Regna & Tnemtneser
I am in a foul mood due to things I cannot talk about here.
I am sad, angry, filled with resentment.
From the time the alarm rings at 4:45am until I hit the pillows at night, everything is hard. Perhaps I DO NOT remember dreams lately because sleep is my only current respite in life.
I have tried to work and exist outside of what I cannot talk about. I have tried to find happiness there. But, every damn time I find that germination of happiness, the damn phone rings and it is some other sh*t about that which I cannot talk about. Then I am trying to deal with that situation, then deal with my sadness, anger, and resentment, then take a nap to try to dissipate the sadness, anger, and resentment, and wake up able to at least function, and perhaps begin to try again to find happiness.... then the damn phone rings again. And, the cycle repeats. Over, and over.
I am just going through the motions of living. I have nothing of humanity left inside me. I look at photographs of earlier life.... previously cherished photographs. I see them now as nothing. They are meaningless. They represent something that never was.
One brief positive. The dog has surgery scheduled in three weeks. The veterinarian does not think the lumps are serious. It feels rather pathetic to me that my "bright spot" in life at the moment is that my dog has to have surgery.
Such is life, I guess.
PipeTobacco
4 Comments:
You are obviously a dedicated caregiver, Professor! It is wonderful that you have a dog who is innocent and gentle and responsive to your care. It is regrettable if there are humanoids in your life who aren't responsive to your care, whether they are family members, cheating students, or whatever. But their lack of responsiveness does not make you less human.
And only you can know when the time may come to say "Enough!" and cut the cord that now binds you to the unresponsive. If your old photographs were now truly "nothing" I suspect you would have let go already of what is still causing you such anger.
Your dog loves you. Your God loves you. Surely there are a handful of other people who love you. That's meaningful, and I hope you can learn to cherish that even in the midst of other pains.
And remember, Professor: Givers need to set limits, because takers rarely do. Self-care is essential, whether it comes in the form of a pipe, or earplugs ensuring a night of undisturbed sleep, or willingness to let a call roll to voicemail if you see it is from a toxic source. Now more than ever, I hope you are being as good to yourself as you try to be to others.
I'm glad that there is mostly good news about the dog. I wish that your one commenter hadn't discouraged you from writing about something that is obviously preying on your mind. Do you have to answer the phone? I'm hoping you can get a break from the situation somehow. Room to breathe.
I am sorry that it is not getting any easier for you. You’ve been in the struggle for quite sometime now. Can you turn off the phone, at least for certain hours? What about getting out of the house for dinner or even just coffee? Hot baths away from distractions can also be a form of temporary escape. I do hope that the road straightens out for you soon.
What Margaret was saying about blogging. You know that you can always start a new one and not invite certain people to participate.
Not pathetic but very sad. I do hope Dog is okay as anticipated, and that you will find many brighter spots in your days.
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