Just to show you how the post I wrote on "cool guy syndrome" relates to a very useless part of my inner psyche, here is something that happened to me yesterday:

In the community band I participate in, I have been the sole bass clarinetist for several years. Yesterday, this young woman (with a perky expression, and a "cool demeanor" comes to join our group and she is also a bass clarinetist. Even though I did not change facial expression, my inner psyche was already "grumbling under his breath" about this intrusion by a "cool person". I told my inner psyche to be reasonable and to relax.

Within a few moments of beginning practice (which tonight was sight reading of new music as we are starting a new series for winter) I could tell that this young woman was an exceptionally good player. My inner psyche quickly started ranting in my mind.....

Well, the group does not need me anymore.

I might as well quit playing for the band.

It is embarrassing to be this horrible at sight reading in comparison to this young woman.

I am just a "poseur" and not a real musician at all..... why do I even try?

Maybe I will just pack up and leave during the break.

Her bass clarinet is far nicer and of a higher quality than mine.

She is talking with other "cool people" in the group already. She and the "cool" baritone sax player are gabbing together a mile-a-minute already.

How can she play this brand new music so perfectly already whereas I struggle and sound like a parrot with bronchitis when I site read?

I am worthless.



Now, please keep in mind that I *did not * SAY any of those things, nor did I outwardly act in or on any of those ways. My exterior facade was pretty much as it usually is.... my furry face and my glasses give me a somewhat owlish/professorial appearance..... but.... and this is the KEY MESSAGE.... I was in turmoil inside. I felt grumpy, I felt unvalued, I felt like a DORK.

Luckily, over the years I have learned to ignore or at least push aside those feelings of inadequacy for a while as I simply observe. That is what I did last night as well. What I found out is...

1. This young woman just graduated from college with a B.A. in performing arts (in December) with the bass clarinet as her primary instrument. Now it made sense.... she is of course an EXCELLENT player as it is her career passion. She has spent her college career working on becoming her very best on this instrument.

2. She was so chatty with the baritone sax player because she knew him from high school. They were friends who had not seen eachother for 3 or so years.

3. She was so very good at sight reading not only because of her talent but because she had gone to the school where our conductor has his teaching job and had played virtually all this music before!

I did not learn any of the three above items until after we played our last song of the evening... a completely new (unopened, just purchased) score that not even the director had seen before. As we played through the piece, I noticed that the young woman made a few mistakes (not as many as me, but several none-the-less) and it allowed me to relax a bit and to push back the feelings my inner psyche was shouting in my mind. It was only then... during the last few minutes of rehearsal that I found out the above three items.

So... the moral of the story....... is that I was successful in combating my inner psyche, but only by the "skin of my teeth". I was able to figure out the situation and become comfortable with it and to shed the overwhelming sense of inadequacy and failure that my inner psyche was helping me to experience.

BUT.... THE PROBLEM IS.... that I think, want, and believe I should be able to find a way to make my inner psyche NOT respond in that manner. Why is it that I immediately feel inadequate or worthless or "uncool" in these sorts of situations? Why is it that I cannot completely view myself as simply another person with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else? Why do I end up wasting SO MUCH ENERGY (mental, physical and spiritual) on these feelings conjured up my inner psyche?

That example sums it up in a nutshell.... that is what I feel and experience regularly and call it the "cool guy syndrome". It is my nerdy, geeky, dorky way of responding to those (virtually everyone) I believe are "more cool" than I am.

I think that this response (which feels innate but I hope is learned and can be unlearned) is the biggest waste of my time and that is why it is my resolution to try to figure out a way to get rid of this sort of feeling/response in 2004.

PipeTobacco