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42 Days

It has been 42 long days... a total of 6 weeks now, since my beloved mother has been alive. I must admit that life has found a "new normal". But that "new normal" is one that feels so much less than I had before. Yesterday, I went to the restaurant that my mother and I had frequented for so many years and ate dinner with my sister and her son. It was nice, but, I had really wanted to talk more deeply about Mom... about HER value to me. I felt it was not the right time because my nephew would have felt out of place. After the meal, I went by myself to the cemetery and placed a flower and a note on Her grave. It is still so cold here (below freezing last evening, with a biting wind), I did not stay more than a few minutes. Here is what the note said:

Mom:

I want you to know how much I miss your physical presence. I want you to know how greatly I miss our being able to talk together.

I miss the day-to-day interactions we were able to have as a family.

We all miss you greatly. J. and T. both miss you and R. and I especially miss your loving presence with them.

We love you greatly, and our lives are less without you.

Please know how deeply I miss you.

Please know how much I wish I could have been able to fix your illness.

Your love means so much to me.

Please try to have God allow you to give me a vivid sign I will understand to know that you are safe and happy in heaven.

- Your Son

* * * * *

At the Grief Support Group meeting I went to on Tuesday, the topic was "Grieving in Your Own Way". The meeting was good and was helpful... mostly because the descriptions of and the great diversity of ways in which typical, acceptable grieving occur matched the wide scope of my own heartache. I also found that I have been doing many of the things that are suggested to help in healing:

1. Take life "easier". I have culled out many of my typical responsibilities and commitments and focused more on family and on my grief.

2. Let the grief "flow". I do not often try to hold back or ignore my feelings of sorrow and grief, and that is apparently a good thing for healing.

3. Share your grief with family. I do this, especially with my wife, who has been wonderful in helping me feel safe and comfortable in sharing my sorrow.

4. Write about your grief. As the few of you who remain readers know, I have been using my blog as a space to write about my emotions and it has proven helpful.

* * * * *

Now that I have basically shot my readership to hell because of the morose nature of my posts, it may not really matter what I do or say here because very few people stop by anymore. I can understand why they do not stop... grief is hard... but at the same time, I feel a bit lonely because I had hoped more of you readers would have been able to stick with me through this process. But, again, I DO understand.

For those of you who have continued to share with me by reading of my thoughts, I sincerely, deeply thank you.

* * * * *

I think I may try to go visit my elderly father-in-law this afternoon.