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So Many Thoughts, So Much Fear

I cannot bear to live my life in fear any longer. The hurt and fear and sadness is overwhelming. I miss feeling alive. I feel like a hunted mouse cowering in the corner waiting until the claws of my predator ensnare me and puncture my body with their sharp, stinging, curved lancets.

I am not a horrid wretch. I am not an evil man. I am not beyond redemption. I am not vile scum. Yet, I am in terror. I am lost. I am isolated. There is no comfort. There is no quiet.

For part of the evening today, I felt hopeful. Hopeful that God is hearing my prayers, is hearing my fear. I felt for a time that He was there. I hoped He would help me. Perhaps, I thought, perhaps God will grant that fellow another, better job at some other university and he will turn down our offer. I sit, and I wait.

Yet, the comfort did not remain. As I quieted down for the evening, the fears and the grief flooded back, pushing hard against my torso, making breathing laborious. I try to again focus my thoughts toward God. I need comfort, I need peace. I need the end of this stress. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling intact. I miss feeling like I had a role.

Cowering and trembling is my current state. I cannot wail anymore in my head, "Why did they do that to me?" I cannot bear to ponder again, "Why do they not see me as valuable?" To realize my insignificance to them causes me to lament with deep shame. What have I done? Where is my life?

Trying to wrestle my mind back into thoughts of giving this to God, I worry if I am failing... flailing in an attempt toward something I can never master... accepting that I am nothing, that I cannot control anything, that I cannot be anything.

God, please help me. I cannot do more. I need You to carry this burden for me. I am smothering, whithering, losing hope, losing my vision. I need You.

I searched for help in my communication with God. The following are prayers I will try to keep saying, in hope that God WILL hear me and WILL help me. Please, God, let it be so. Please, let it be so:

A Prayer for Peace of Mind

(By Saint Francis Xavier Cabrini)

FORTIFY me with the grace of Your Holy Spirit
and give Your peace to my soul
that I may be free from all needless anxiety, solicitude and worry.

Help me to desire always that which is pleasing and acceptable to You
so that Your will may be my will.

Amen


Prayer to Saint Joseph for Success in Work

Glorious St. Joseph,
model of all those who are devoted to labour,
obtain for me the grace to work conscientiously,
putting the call of duty above my many sins;
to work with thankfulness and joy,
considering it an honour to employ and develop,
by means of labour,
the gifts received from God;
to work with order,
peace, prudence and patience,
never surrendering to weariness or difficulties;
to work, above all,
with purity of intention,
and with detachment from self,
having always death before my eyes
and the account which I must render of time lost,
of talents wasted,
of good omitted,
of vain complacency in success
so fatal to the work of God.
All for Jesus,
all for Mary,
all after thy example,
O Patriarch Joseph.
Such shall be my motto in life and death.

Amen.


Prayer for Strength to Forgive

Faultless Lord, enduring death for me,
You have consummated the debt of my sins:
Your sacrifice of forgiveness was absolute!
Grant me the strength to also forgive others,
To excuse their transgressions against me.
So I may truly reflect this spiritual fruit,
Obliterate any persistent feelings of malice.
Let each trespass end as a closing chapter,
My continuing on the road of righteousness.
Forgive my sins as I aspire to forgive others.
You are truly archetypical of forgiveness.
You are a most forgiving Lord!

Amen


Please keep me safe, God. Please keep me safe. Please do not think my failures to keep my focus on you, and my failure to consistently be able to let go of my worries to you mean I do not care, nor that I do not try. I have tried and continue to try. I have been trying to learn and to see what You want from me and for me. And while I have improved, I am still a failure. But, please, still protect me.

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