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Suicide
Today is a wretched milestone. 17 years ago today, my niece, who was 17 at the time, committed suicide by swallowing a handful of beta-blocker, hypertensive medication that belonged to one of her parents. She would now be 34 years old if she had not done that asinine act.
She was a wonderful, academically smart, beautiful young lady. She had been accepted at the college she had desired and was planning on becoming a high school teacher. She even had a significant amount of scholarship money that she had obtained as well as backup support in the form of grants and loans if needed.
Why did she do it? She was awoken shortly after taking the damn pills, and then went to the emergency room where her stomach was pumped. She was lucid and talking for much of the time. Unfortunately, enough of the drug entered her system that she went into cardiac arrest and was unable to be revived.
I do not know why I am even thinking about this now. For the first year or so after her passing, it was exceptionally hard. She had been the niece I was the closest to in terms of personality. I was filled with rage, anger, and despair. I am not sure how a person is *supposed* to deal with a suicide, never having had one occur in my family previously. I also am not sure what is the *best* way to handle the issue in order to "move on". For me, I simply have learned to shut down and compartmentalize the rage, anger, and despair into some sort of box which I bury deep somewhere inside myself.
Today is the first day in quite a while that I have actually THOUGHT ABOUT her, and purposefully tried to REMEMBER who she was before that day. For the most part, I do not think about her or the 17 years she spent on Earth, because to do so brings back the numerous happy times and happy memories of who she had been. That may sound good, but then the rage and pain return because no matter how I try, there is no longer any way to remember just those good times. The suicide itself is the overwhelming event that has now defined each and every aspect of her life.
Thinking about her today causes significant pain. I had forgotten how harsh that pain was. In my mind's eye, I replay over and over in my mind her younger sister (who was 13 at the time) as she cried and wept and screamed at her sister as she was dying on the hospital bed in the intensive care unit to "wake up", to "come back", to "not leave".
As it is, I am writing now with tears streaming down my cheeks into my beard. This is stupid. It is foolish, it is a waste of time for me to write this sh*t. It is a waste of time for me to think about this sh*t.
PipeTobacco
4 Comments:
Actually I do not think it is ever a waste of time to remember a loved one. Good or bad, our memories are all we have of those we have left behind. It is so easy to remember the good times, but often better for our souls I think to remember the bad times and deal with them as they emerge. Shoving them into some box does not make them go away.
I do feel your pain as I am still trying myself to come to grips with the death of one of my nieces also. She died in her sleep this past summer. Questions of suicide or accident twirled around. As it turned out once the final report came out, it was an interaction of two medications that caused her death not an overdose.
Regardless Professor, you have my best wishes and hope that at some point you can forgive her and be grateful for her being part of your life.
Some souls just can't deal with this rock and decide to move on. I think it's okay to honor their wish to do so and just remember them as you loved them.
Laurel Ann's sister snuffed herself out, a number of members of my extended family have.
This is not an easy planet to live on, and then you die anyway, they've just been getting a lot more rest than we have.
And they don't have to deal with wars and pay taxes. :-)
peace.
Is it any better when they're taken away as versus deciding to end it all?
The kid sister would have been 39. I've given up asking why.
Some things have no answers.
Actually I do not think it is ever a waste of time to remember a loved one. Good or bad, our memories are all we have of those we have left behind. It is so easy to remember the good times, but often better for our souls I think to remember the bad times and deal with them as they emerge. Shoving them into some box does not make them go away. I do feel your pain as I am still trying myself to come to grips with the death of one of my nieces also. She died in her sleep this past summer. Questions of suicide or accident twirled around. As it turned out once the final report came out, it was an interaction of two medications that caused her death not an overdose. Regardless Professor, you have my best wishes and hope that at some point you can forgive her and be grateful for her being part of your life.
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