New Inner Dialogue
I am on a slippery slope at the moment, but I am trying to keep my balance. The yearnings I have for a pipe are very very powerful at the moment. The yearnings are quite challenging to resist... much more so than they have been in quite a long time.
I think the stresses I am feeling are the likely culprit (grief, my wife being away, the added responsibilities while she is away, etc.). I think some sleep deprivation is also contributing to the mix (I have been averaging about 4 hours a night the last few days). I have taking to carrying around a pipe with me like a pacifier.... not filling it with tobacco, and not smoking it.
What I am trying to do is NOT make any change in behavior (in other words, continue to refrain from smoking a pipe) at least until after the stresses have abated and life returns to a degree of what I call normalcy. To make a decision on this matter before that time would, for me, be rash.... and while I want to be rash at the moment, I know that if I wait, whatever decision I make will be better.
Here is a glimpse of my inner dialogue for the last few days:
Self: "You refrained from smoking your pipe now for seven months."
.
.
Other Self:
"Yes, I did! I am surprised
and happy about this!"
.
.
Self: Yeah, good job!
.
.
Other Self: "Yeah, it
was not something I thought I could do."
.
.
Self: "So, now that you proved you could do it.... lets go back to smoking a pipe."
.
.
.
Self: "It is perfectly "ok" now, you proved you could do it!"
.
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Other Self: "You are correct, but I have really been trying to make this "quitting" be my new normal."
.
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Self: "Ugh.
But, is that realistic? NEVER AGAIN?!?!?"
.
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Other Self: "I feel sad to think of NEVER
having another pipe."
.
.
Self: "What is
the point in that?"
.
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Other Self: "The point is supposedly to be healthier. It is one way I can TRY to be healthier to potentially live longer and be with my family.
.
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Self:
"Bah."
.
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Other Self:
"Yes, I agree… 'Bah' … but...."
.
.
Self: "A pipe
would be very pleasurable and enjoyable, wouldn't it?"
.
.
Other Self: "Yes, I fully agree with that statement."
.
.
Self: "ONE
wouldn't really hurt, now, would it?
.
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Other Self:
"Hmmm....."
.
.
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Other Self: "Ugh.
I really should not."
.
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Self: "Come on.
Let's just have ONE bowlful."
.
.
Other Self: "No,
I better not. It took a helluva long
time to get this far.
.
.
Self: "What for?
Does it really matter?"
.
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Other Self: "I
do not know if it REALLY matters. But I have to keep trying to think that it does."
.
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Self: "That is just foolish hyperbole!
.
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Other Self: "Probably."
.
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Self: "You are a schmuck."
.
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Other Self: "Yeah, 'probably' to that too."
This same basic conversation roils around in my mind regularly for the last few days now. It is tiring.
PipeTobacco
10 Comments:
Whatever else is true, 4 hours sleep is not enough unless you are most unusual.
I agree. My normal is between 6 & 7 hours.
Lack of sleep is probably the thing that stresses me most. It makes every single other thing worse.
I hope the stress abates soon.
Thoughts that go round and round in your head are so damaging. I'm a bit obsessive at the moment and it's not good.
Well done on resisting but i agree with the others - try and get some more sleep.
Surely you are making a wise decision by resolving not to indulge in a pipe until your wife is back home and you know that the immediate stressors are behind you. That decision is indeed laudable, and speaks well of your willpower.
Reading your "inner dialogue," though, I hope I am not too bold in suggesting that I see something missing. Yes, for as long as you continue to abstain from your pipe, you can claim one sort of victory. However, you make it clear that this "victory" comes with a terrible price as far as your basic contentment. But have you ever learned truly to be content in any of your circumstances? If you are destined to be an unhappy ex-smoker or an unhappy pipe-smoker, I suppose you might as well pair your unhappiness with abstinence, for the good of your physical health.
However, is it possible that you can claim a victory even if you take up your pipes again? In the last seven months, you have learned much about your resolve and willpower, but also about just how much your pipes mean to you. That self-knowledge will be priceless if others put you on the defensive about your pipe-smoking. You don't need me to remind you that while smoking a pipe is of course some degree of health risk, it is (1) not nearly as dangerous as cigarette smoking, and is (2) an objective health benefit as far as your subjective emotional state, which may carry over into the physical.
If you do take up your pipes again, though, I wonder whether you might want to control your smoking by establishing some new routine or ritual? If you want to enjoy your pipes but don't want to carry them around all day, do you have some special space -- maybe a chair, or maybe a room? -- that you can set aside as your "pipe space"? That way, even if the cravings come to you at some undesired time, you could stave them off with the knowledge that you will indulge when you can be in your special pipe place,.
Please don't get me wrong -- I'm not trying to be the angel on your shoulder whispering "Enjoy the good thing God has given you!" in opposition to the devils who whisper "Suffer! Abstain!" However, I might be the only poster here who sees merit in either choice that you might make, so I feel a bit emboldened to speak up in favor of your pipes, should you decide no longer to abstain once your wife returns home and you can objectively step away from the stressors that are now tempting you. If you return to your pipes, it should be as a victory now that you know yourself better, not as a defeat brought about by short-term stresses. Either way, good luck with it all!
Negative and postive voice. that what I call it.
Coffee is on
when my self talks to my other self the way your self talks to your other self, i tell it to shut the frig up! (except i really curse)
keep hanging in there!!
go buy yourself a really nice toy as a reward for the 7 months of not smoking.
i'm saving up for a japanese sex robot.
What's a little puff now and then? Blaze it up man.
Haven't been to your blog in years. I kind of missed you.
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