Friday Thoughts
A bit of background before I begin talking (at least in metaphors) about the suicide probably on Monday....
Unfortunately, this is not the only suicide or suicide attempt of a person I know to have occurred in my life. Very unfortunately, these are the background statistics of friends or relatives I have known who have committed or attempted suicide:
1. Relative - committed suicide with medication overdose.
2. Relative - committed suicide with gun.
3. Relative - attempted suicide with medication overdose.
4. Friend - committed suicide with gun.
5. Relative - attempted suicide with medication overdose.
6. Friend - committed suicide with gun.
Dammit. Until I actually wrote it all out, I was not even cognizant of how many of these horrors that have affected me and my family. Just the sheer number alone is very taxing to look at.
It is no wonder to me, when I look at the above, that I now better understand how I have promoted and supported suicide prevention organizations over the course of my life, and how I am also so much in favor of very, very tight gun control policies overall, but especially for handguns.
Enough of this topic for today.
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Hit the trail for my run at 5:03am. Not as much wind today which was really nice. Ran the 9 miles quickly and was able to get cyborging by 7:15am.
I have a goal of trying to finish writing two exams (final exams) today for two of my courses. I also want to try to videotape the last two lectures I have yet to provide for the students. If I can get all these things done, and it goes smoothly, I may be able to NOT cyborg on Saturday and can participate more in decorating the house for Christmas, and maybe only do a little touch-up cyborging on Sunday.
Better yet, if I can get all the above done at least sometime during the weekend.... then on MONDAY, I should theoretically be able to spend the whole damn day cyborging ONLY about grading papers, assignments, and exams!!!!!! That would constitute a wonderful cyborg day for me.
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Last night, while sleeping, I had quite a vivid dream, that was a bit different than the way a lot of my dreams are organized. Usually, when I remember a dream, it is laid out or set out in the pattern of a linear sort of novel or film. It is very typically really only about one particular event. But, last night, my dream was more like watching an old-school Kodachrome slide show. The dream itself was a series of what felt like brief snippets of video film, perhaps 3 seconds or so each, of a huge array of different points in my life. And, it was indeed a pipe smoking dream too. The odd thing was that each of these little "videos" were of ME.... so I was seeing myself in the video, and was frequently interacting with any number of folks. Each video capture me briefly smoking my pipe, and then it was onto another brief video. There was no pattern temporally or any sort of identifiable pattern I could discern. Time periods would shift backwards and forwards, and it just basically occurred for what seemed like a good hour or so. It felt like I saw 1,000 images. And, the other oddity was that there was no sound either.
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Well, I guess this is it for now, I took a quick break, but I need to stay focused if I am potentially to attain a "No-Cyborg Saturday". Last night I started a crock-pot dish of dried beans that I added a lot of great spice to. They should be nice and tender by this evening, and we are going to have an evening meal of NACHOS today! I am looking forward to it!
PipeTobacco
6 Comments:
That list is a jaw-dropper. I can't think of anyone in my sphere.
I've been reading for a while about your struggles and your strong-willed persistence through so many troubles. And I guess it falls to me to be the one to tell you from personal experience: you'll be so much happier when you finally return to your pipes and tobaccos. How do I know this? One of the happiest days in my life came a couple of years ago when, after nearly four decades pretending to be a non/ex-smoker, I returned to my beloved pipes and tobaccos. I was a pipe smoker from college days into my thirties, but gave in to social pressure and stopped for nearly 40 years. The yearnings to return never stopped, but I learned to manage them. And then, one day, I realized that I was being FOOLISH trying to please people by pretending to be someone/something I wasn't. I was living a lie.
You are on a journey that neither I nor anyone else can take for you, and for the moment I understand your need to see yourself as someone who can be happy without your pipes and tobaccos. I respect that, and I don't mean to rush your journey, but I do feel for you, since I know how wonderful it felt to return to my pipes and tobaccos, and how much, once I returned, I wished I had never left them.
Be well in your journey, PipeTobacco! I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well as I light a bowl of Virginia burley laced with just a touch of Latakia and Perique!
"Unknown" makes comments that remind me a lot of the old friend I have mentioned before. He gave up his pipes something like 30 years ago, and has already decided that if his wife predeceases him he'll go right back to his pipes. He abstains because he loves his wife more than he loves his pipes, but he feels that his pipes are so much a part of him that he isn't quite whole without them and wishes he could go back without hurting a loved one. I'm glad that you at least have your happy dreams where you can enjoy the vivid and living memory of a pastime that you obviously still value!
Professor...
I'm with the first poster on the pipes matter. (UNKNOWN) Every time you write about a pipe-craving, it seems that there is a piece of you missing. A piece that wants to be integrated with your psyche. Just my opinion. This is from a person trying to learn the "gentle art" and finding it to be as arcane and interesting as any field of intricate knowledge. There is a legacy and history behind the practice. And I feel I'm learning that as well as trying to master the mechanics of it. I usually end up smoking once a week or so...sometimes once a month. I usually time with my postings on the You Tube Pipe Community. I've met many folks and made many friendships during the course of learning this meditative art. In part, I became aware of your blog during the barest beginnings of this process about ten years ago. When I returned to see if you were still posting, I was happy to see that you still were but a little sad that you had given up the melding of flame and tobacco. It was so much a part of what you were and what you posted about. Regardless of your decision with this, I will keep checking in...You've become a constant in a very unstable world, Professor. Your struggles and travails sort of become OURS because you're taking the time to share them...get them off your chest...and in that way, I hope we're helping to carry the load for you in some small way. Keep the faith, Professor. You're one of the good ones. Remember this when things get tough. All the best...Gary
you need to stop dwelling on the suicides and get busy with being grateful being alive in the era of the pandemic.
I'm happy to see you were able to make time to visit us in this virtual community.
So sorry for the heavy load of losses by suicide. Of those that I have known, I've never been able to shake the "unfinished nature" of the relationships.
Hope your discipline guides you to free time to engage in Christmas decorating. It is like stepping into a time flow that drifts back to earliest memories and those in our lives.It's always special.
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