Not Really Sure

I am not really sure if it is a good idea to post today or not.  Things are not in a particularly good spot at the moment.  But, I thought if I perhaps made a list quickly of my thoughts that roll around in my head at the moment, it might let me ignore them for a while and become more productive and less exhausted:

1.  The suicide of my friend has stirred up a lot of emotions in me.  The obvious ones are the sense of loss of this person and the sadness especially for his wife and children.

2.  But, experiencing a suicide (at least for me, everyone is different) also reawakened a helluva lot of hurt, anger, and frustration in me.  I figured it might do this as it had done so in the past.  But, it has been emotionally very challenging especially since Monday for me.

3.  Dredged up feelings of significant anger about my own mistreatment by the person I have written about before have welled up inside me.  I cannot stand to be around this person, and yet I have to be as this person is a member of my Department.  Yesterday, there was an online Department Meeting, and this horrendous person was of course there, and this person ACTS all "nice" and "kind" and "supportive" but it is such a damnable lie, for inside this person ONLY looks out for him/herself.  Every damn thing he/she does is to make everything better for him/herself without ANY regard for the thoughts of others.  

4.  I went to another U sponsored Grief Counseling session today, and the one good to realize, but truly pathetic thing I learned (realized) about myself, is that when someone hurts me or damages me in some fashion, my natural reaction is to retreat.  I see that far more clearly in myself now that I was helped to recognize it.  And, I hate and am ashamed of myself for being this way.  I retreat into a damn hole, and try to ignore it or hope the pain and the hurt go away.  

5.  This week, I have felt so angry and so utterly tired.  Part of the "retreat" b*llsh*t I also do is sleep.  I have felt so utterly worn down from these feelings of hurt and anger that I have gone to bed almost as quickly as I get done eating.  Sleep, at least thus far, has been my primary comfort.  

6.  When I applied for and got a job offer about three years ago, it was something I applied for ONLY because of this damn person.  The job was not as nice as I have here (at least pre-this wretch of a person), but I *DID* want to take it to be as far away from this *ssh*le as I could be.  And, since this cretin is here, that other job would have truthfully been a lot better in that regard.  I ultimately did not take the job because I did not want to cause such disruption for my family.  It was at a small U several states away from where I am.

7.  I did switch offices however.  My office (not lab office, regular office for student interaction in teaching), the one I had since I started with at the U many decades ago was only a very few doors away from the office this horrid person received when he/she very unfortunately joined our campus 5 years ago.  When an office opened up last year about as far away from this person as I could hope to get, I jumped at the chance.  

So, 5, 6, & 7 all exemplify how the sh*tty ways I respond to the feelings of anger and distrust I have about this horrendous person are simply to retreat, like a damn coward.  I so hate that I see that in myself now.  

Oh, yes... I *know* the "easy" answer is to "talk it out" with this horrible mass of cytoplasm.  I inherently know this in my mind.  But, equally as much in my mind, I also *know* that this person is incapable of any real understanding of the word "compromise" and that whatever this *ssh*l* wants, he/she will badger, and crab, and TALK INCESSANTLY about it... all day, every day, until he/she wears people out and folks agree with him/her to get him/her to just shut up.  He/she is so thoroughly manipulative and exhausting. 

Other very annoying, hard crap has been going on in other aspects of my life this week too.  Too damn much of it than I want to try to even try get down on this blog.  Just suffice it to say, it has not been a stellar week by any stretch of the imagination.

So, to conclude on a "happier" note:

1.  I have ran outside every day this week.  Nine miles each day like usual.  It is the only way I have had to try to keep my stress somehow manageable.  

2.  My nightly pipe dreams.  Almost every day this week I have had pipe dreams.  And they are so vivid and joyous.

One final thing:

Believe me, when I do say that I have wanted to smoke my pipe all week.  But, the one thing I know (of the very limited crap I know), is that *if* I am ever to pick up a pipe again, I do not want it to be because I am angry, frustrated, or distraught.  When I was heavier, I began to realize that I used to eat (and smoke my pipe) more when I was feeling angry.  One of the most difficult things I had to teach/train myself while I was losing weight was to NOT eat when experiencing negative emotions.  The actual "not reaching" for junk to eat when I was stressed or angry.... in itself initially made me more angry or frustrated.  But, gradually.... over a period of about 2-3 years, I was able to put a clamp on that emotional response.... I do not ever allow myself to eat out of anger anymore.  And, I have used that same tactic with smoking my pipes too.  So, even though I had a lot of cravings to restart smoking my pipes.... I also had the feelings of anger which I had vowed WOULD NOT be my reason to restart something so beautiful.

I wish I had something more valuable to post.  But, this is it.  I have basically just vomited the words onto this page.  No editing.  So, I apologize for incoherence as well. Now, after this 15 minute break, back to more cyborg grading and exam writing ("joy").

PipeTobacco