Aggitated
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Feeling agitated. Trying to work on calming myself down. Not really externally.... Externally, I display a "mask" of normalcy, where I can appear my regular self, albeit probably a bit "tired" looking. However, internally, I feel awash in emotions, stressors, anger, resentment, and anxiety. I am trying all the techniques I know to dissipate these feelings. I ran 11 miles (~18km) this morning before heading to the U to teach. Yesterday, I ran 14.1 miles (~23km). I am trying to flush out the stress hormones in my body by drinking huge amounts of water. I am trying slow, deep breathing exercises. It is difficult to keep up the facade. Eventually, though, I know I will end up moving towards feeling calmer.
If it happened to be 1,561 days ago, I would be vigorously smoking my pipe to try to help settle my nerves. Today marks the 1,560th day I have refrained from my beloved pipes and pipe tobaccos. Honestly, I do not know if they would actually help today. But.... I equally do know they would not hurt. In some ways, my pipes and pipe tobaccos provided a more "fun" way to practice slow, deep-breathing exercises, I guess. It does sound so inviting to have a pipe right now.
Another thought for coping I had was if I felt like this in the late afternoon, I wouldn't be opposed to having a few stiff drinks. The two problems with that approach are a) drinking isn't fun without a drinking buddy, and b) drinking isn't any fun without a pipe.
Another thought of method to cope is to go to sleep. Even if the sleep would be tumultuous, it would be a way to be "away" from the emotional turbulence I am feeling in the awake state. Yet, a full day teaching at the U beckons and sleep is not an option either.
My only viable option currently is to live with it, and to wait it out.
This is not my favorite day.
PipeTobacco
4 Comments:
Perhaps your time with students may help you restore some calm and focus? With your full attention devoted to the teaching task, perhaps the causes of your agitation will drop from your mind and let you find an equilibrium, at least for a while? Then, with that behind you, you'll know whether to treat yourself to a drink, a pipe, a nap, or whatever seems most comforting after an agitating and probably tiring day. Take care of yourself, Professor!
I'm sorry you're feeling so agitated. I get that way sometimes too and usually go for a brisk walk with music. It sounds like you're using all (most) of your favorite strategies to calm down. Sometimes it just takes time.
Professor, only you can know whether the last 1,560 days have given you as much joy as the pipe-filled decades before those days. And if you are thinking that by abstaining you will increase the quantity of your days, only you can know whether that is more important than the quality of your days -- whether a day of abstention can bring you as much joy and comfort as a day with your pipes.
Only you can know. And only you can know whether a pipe would actually help you cope with your feelings of agitation. But your colorful writing sure seems to drop some big hints to your readers.
Tough times theese days. So sorry for what is going on. Your CDC post was also disturbing.
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