Analysis

 

I am trying to force myself into a better mood.  It is not an easy feat at times.  I still feel an onslaught of chaos much of the time because it seems like I am FAR, FAR too busy and do not get much, if ANY "down" time in a given day anymore.  I get up and it is dark.  I get home after dark.  It feels like there are a never ending stream of things I must do and are being asked of me.  I am emotionally drained and physically tired.  I just.... feel as if I am living a robotic life.... just (barely) accomplishing the needed tasks on a given day before I collapse in a heap for a scant few minutes prior to bed before I do the same damn thing the next day.

Yet... at the same time, when I look back on how things were 20-25 years ago.... I am doing the same basic things day-to-day (other than running daily and not pipe smoking (sigh)).  But, it is as if DOING the normal day-to-day work THINGS seems to take a helluva lot longer than it used to.  

But, I really, very truthfully DO NOT think it is because I am slower, nor am I more feeble-minded in my old age.  That may be a logical thought, and I worried about this quite a bit when I started to feel this way (overburdened with limited free time).  But I sincerely do not think I have lost abilities in these ways.  

What I am thinking may be the culprit though, after comparing now to long ago is that the things I DO at work each individually usurp MORE TIME than they used to:

1.  Teaching.... I used to just be able to run to the classroom with chalk in hand, and yammer on at will about the topics I wanted the students to learn.  When inspired, I would have a few transparencies I could project onto a projector screen in the room.  And, when done, I could walk back to my office.  Today.... especially SINCE Covid forced an adoption of all sorts of electronica.... I now have to a) prepare an electronic classroom and fuss around with that, changing dates, adapting electronic assignments, etc., b) I have to have (and adapt and adjust) elaborate PowerPoint slide shows for all my lectures, and since Covid, I have included guided notes for these PowerPoint slide shows which need finessing regularly, and c) I still need to go to the classroom with chalk dry erase markers in hand, and yammer on at will about the topics I want students to learn.

2.  Research.... I used to just be able to run my experiments and teach students how to conduct research, and write grants back in the old days.  Now, there is enormous bureaucracy of university regulatory committees, state committees, and national committees that LAYER on MULTIPLE LAYERS of b*llsh*t paperwork related to having researchers justify every damn thing they do or plan to do in research.  The political hands want to control and regulate and "approve" every step of the process so as to cover their *ss*s because of the litigious nature of our society, so they just pile more and more NON-SCIENTIFIC useless paperwork requirements on us scientists and it impinges drastically on how much science can get done and doubles and triples our workload without any real scientific value. 

3.  Committee Work.... back in the old days, committee meetings seemed to be a helluva lot more focused and most folks, even when disagreements and arguments would inevitably arise.... wanted to work quickly and efficiently to get things done.  These days, most committee meetings consist of useless yammering, schmoozing (if beneficial to someone trying to move up the ladder), and political grand-standing.... with damn little if any work being accomplished.  And, these meetings take far longer than they did in the past.  During Covid.... there was blessed relief by using "Zoom" for meetings.... which gave me the option to turn off my camera and do other things while incessant, unnecessary yammering occurred.  But, at present, "Zoom" meetings are becoming rare again, and now most meetings are held face-to-face again.

4.  ADA students.... there has been a shift in ADA policies at our U which has correlated to an EXPLOSION of new ADA students in our classrooms.  I firmly believe in ADA Policies, so do not think I am not sympathetic to the needs of ADA recognized students.  I have had many very brilliant and successful students with ADA accommodations that I could provide them to help them with their disabilit(ies).  I have done this in many ways for students over the years with visual impairments, hearing impairments, mobility challenges, seizure disorders, and a variety of psychiatric disorders. 

 But, how our U is interpreting some ADA policies of late has me very frustrated.  In particular, our U is now designating some students as being ADA "anxious" and requiring ALL examinations to be in a "quiet", "distraction free", and "individual" space.  This means, according to the U that these students need a unique, separate room with NO objects in them other than a desk (and POSSIBLY a computer).  A WINDOW.... even with a closed blind is considered by the U to be a distraction.  And, because of this U approved accommodation, the student needs to be fully isolated from anyone else.  So, imagine that in a class of ~150 students I have, that perhaps 6 of them acquire the above U approved ADA accommodations.... and so, I have to figure out/find time & space to administer 6 extra exams for every damn exam I give in this class (I give 5 exams across the semester).  That means instead of 5 exams.... I give 30 damn exams in terms of time.  And, with the new "U interpretations" of ADA guidelines, now some students also get approved to have CHEAT SHEETS with them during an exam.  The U-official term for what they say these students can have is "prompt card" and is supposedly the U's interpretation of how to accommodate students with "anxiety induced memory retention" difficulties.  The students who get this accommodation can put damn near anything they want on up to 3 index cards to have with them at an exam according to U policy.  To me, that is a CHEAT SHEET (sigh).  

So, I think from my analysis of the above, that what I can do to try to help me with my own feelings of being very down and overburdened is to spend some time the night before each workday and make a list of the items I need to accomplish that I know about.  I believe it will help me put my day into perspective in a way that may help me either a) resign myself to a long, exhausting day, or b) help me have a "countdown" of sorts to know when I can break free, and/or c) perhaps help me see ways to better combine activities to perhaps eek out some more free time.  

• Ran 11 miles (as usual) this morning.  I know it sounds repetitive and boring to say the same damn distance every day.  But, it is the maximum I can seem to get done when they do  not open until 6:00am.   
• PCS - 7.  I do not know what to do about this either.  This high score has persisted for so long without any vacillations that.... I just do not know.  All I can say is that I MISS MY PIPES.  I wish I had not stopped, even though I know from a wellness perspective it was a wise choice. 
  
• TMJ - best news (of little good news) for today is that YESTERDAY was ALSO completely TMJ Pain Free!  I am still hedging my bets, and not saying it is over.  But, this is the best my jaw has felt in weeks.  It feels NORMAL.  Today, thus far, is also pain free.  
• Last aside.  I am being extremely careful and damn near obsessive when I am eating olives anymore.  Before I put any on my salads, I now chop them up to make sure no damnable pit was accidentally left behind.  I prefer whole olives.  But, I can deal with chopped olives on my salad until there is a time where I can more "leisurely" look through whole olives to ensure no damn pit.  I am also trying to filter out any unpopped kernels when I eat popcorn now.  I have chomped on a few unpopped kernels over the years, and while not as hard as an olive pit, I do not want to risk some sort of torsional movement of my jaws by chomping on a kernel either.