I Do Not Know

 

I have been away for a spell.  Not from the U, nor from home.  Just from my blog.  I would have very much liked talking and interacting with all of you, but it has been difficult for me to put any thoughts onto the (electronic) page.  I have been feeling quite blue.  And, in feeling blue, I felt much like a sloth in terms of my energy to do a lot of things, including writing here.  

What defines my current "blue" state?

• a feeling like I am a meek, useless mouse running non-stop on a wheel that represents my life.  This feeling stems mostly from the schedule I have had to adopt for the last 4-5 weeks where I am moving non-stop from 5am when I get up until I can finally sit down and eat dinner, which in these last 4-5 weeks is typically around 8:30pm or 9:00pm.  I do not understand how days are now like this.  This is not sustainable.  
• the damn olive pit.... the one that riled up my TMJ.  My temporomandibular joint WAS severely traumatized by the damnable olive pit.  While FINALLY as of yesterday, I was able to eat across the entire day.... PAIN FREE.... it has been a TERRIBLY HARD bout of pain during this LONG, LONG healing process.  I would say this has been the WORST flare-up of TMJ pain I have experienced because of the intensity of its pain, the LENGTH of the pain remaining, and significant effect it has been having on my eating of foods I like (things that need to be CHEWED). I would get SO DAMN HUNGRY that I would simply chew and eat while in SIGNIFICANT PAIN.  This, while allowing  me to get some calories, did nothing to help my disposition.  And, even though I gave in and ate high fat, soft junk foods on a couple of days.... that did not help much either because each time I did not experience as much TMJ pain, but it also ended making me feel nauseous when I did so, because of the heaviness of this junk food.  And, truth-be-told.... the junk food was NOT satisfying either.   I am just keeping my fingers crossed that the TMJ pain from the damnable olive pit is truly gone.  I am still being very careful though in my chewing to not do any side-to-side motion while chewing.  And, I have found that during this episode it is VERY IMPORTANT for me to be actively and gently chewing food on both sides of my mouth simultaneously.  If I chew a mouthful of food on only on the one side that was not irritated, it causes the irritated side to actually become uncomfortable.  Even pressure on both sides has been the best bet during this recovery.  I am also wearing my bite splint nearly 24-7 EXCEPT when I am lecturing or eating.  I want this pain to stay gone.
• It is the unfortunate anniversary this week of the suicide of my colleague.  This has brought back a lot of memories of death, dying, etc.  And, this has not only been my thoughts about this particular friend.... but also of the other three close U friends of mine who died during the last two years as well.  1 suicide, 2 heart attacks (one following stent surgery), and one where initial incapacitation was due to a stroke but ultimate he died from a medication induced heart attack in the assisted living place he had been moved to.  
• The ice and snow has me worried, even though there is not a helluva lot I can do about it, concerning my kids and their driving.  As a college professor I have had far too many unpleasant experiences over the years where a young adult (student) of mine would drive in an unsafe way for the winter conditions in the decades of my BEING a professor, I would estimate hearing/learning about at least ~250 vehicle accidents involving my young adult students, and of those, there were seven of the accidents where there was catastrophic injury (such as brain damage, paralysis, loss of limbs etc) and five deaths.  My own (biological) kids often act just as flighty and invincible as most of my college students concerning driving, so this time of the year, especially the early part of winter where folks get re-acclimated to driving on snow/ice.... has me feeling a bundle of nerves ready to explode.

 I miss freedom of time.  I miss going to deer camp (deer hunting season started yesterday) and though I really have no interest in bagging a deer because I hardly eat meat, and really do not find venison much to my liking..... I miss the ritual and fun that I experienced for a whole lot of years in going to deer camp and general carousing...... drinking, playing poker, smoking my pipes, laughing, joking around, etc.  Deer camp no longer happens, and stopped a bit before my father-in-law passed away.  Most of the folks who went are gone, or they are incapable to going any longer due to age and decline.  But, damn, I miss it.  

I also miss feeling exuberant about life, about my job, about my hobbies, about anything.  I do not ALWAYS feel blue like I do at the moment.  But.... it has been a LONG time since I have felt that wonderful flush of exuberance about ANYTHING, even things I actually quite like.  

• I have been keeping up with my running during my absence, so no worries in that regard.  I did hit my planned effort of 55 miles (~89 km) for last week and am on track to do so this week... as is my usual.    
• My PCS still hovers at "7".  No one seems to have suggestions on how to fix this situation either.  It seems my new PERMANENT position.  I want to smoke, but I still have to real clue on how to do so without it ending up being more effort, more WORK to maintain "occasional" indulgence.  I think I could rejoin the beautiful hobby/passion to smoke my pipes if I did so at a low enough level that it would feel "safe" to do so.

I don't know.  I just feel like I am blathering on.  I am not sure if I should even publish this or hit "delete" instead.

PipeTobacco