Confusion
Feeling a sense of confusion about a variety of things this morning. They are in total giving me a sense of anxiety and discomfort:
- On Wednesday, I played "hooky" and did not go to the U. I did work at home in my office so that was acceptable, I guess. Then I went with my wife to an afternoon movie. We saw "Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny". We both thought it was a wonderful film. It was very much in keeping with the others of the series, and it was exciting and entertaining. Harrison Ford as a retiree from teaching touched me as I had always enjoyed the animated style of the Indiana Jones character in and outside the classroom. I have to admit there were parts of the film where I cried.
- On Thursday, there was a reduced price afternoon showing of the 2015 animated film, "Home" and my wife and I went to see it as well, as we had so greatly enjoyed it when it came out. Again, we both loved the film. I again cried during several parts of this funny, yet poignant film.
- Thursday evening, we went to a relative's retirement party. The fellow who retired is five years younger than I am. I drank two bottles of beer at this party. I wanted a pipe, but of course that was not in the cards.
- Running.... Wednesday, 10.5 miles (~17 km), Thursday, 9.5 miles (~15 km), and today, Friday.... 6.2 miles (10 km) to finish the week at 50+ miles (80+ km).
- I am feeling out-of-sorts I believe, because of the emotions I felt from the two films. The emotions were a mixture of sorts.... a delightful sense of feeling "care-free" and "happy" about the sheer frivolousness and enjoyment of simply going to a movie.... and "melancholic" as well in several aspects of the films that both rang true to life in different fashions. The Indiana Jones movie.... even with all its excitement, its action, its bravado.... it was also a "swan-song" film of sorts for the character of Indian Jones, and in probable truth, for Harrison Ford as well. In the Home movie, the main character, "Oh" was a "Don Quixote" type character who despite the numerous hardships he faced in day-to-day life and also socially.... persevered trying to do what was right, and when he found his old beliefs to be incorrect, he was able to change.
- I do not like nor trust the American systems of retirement. I have known folks who have retired in their late 40s and I have known folks who have not retired and they are in their late 70s. The way the American system operates is so fractured and dependent upon so, so many variables, many of which are difficult to control or predict. It makes the whole process seem fraught with peril and worry. Our rather sh*tty health care system definitely does not help matters either.
- I used to regularly feel rather "care-free" and "hopeful" about life, about the future, about my part in it all. I used to have a lot of spontaneous moments of joy. Now-a-days, I am less externally emotional. Some things that used to give me considerable joy, have fallen away. A case in point is that I used to relish and love and embrace the study of historical figures of interest. I have at various points in my life immersed deeply into the biographical history of various folks...... Hemingway, Faulkner, Steinbeck, Melville, Skinner, Lorenz, Pasteur, Tinbergen, Darwin, William Conrad, and many, many others. But, that joy, that sense of interest has all but left me. I am not sure why. I can occasionally, with a lot of effort, scrounge up a bit of that spark and interest, but the spark dies out rather quickly and I let it drift away.
- Currently, often other than in the classroom, where I can get "fired-up" and feel rather "dynamic" most of my time is spent in a state of "neutrality" that is existing....but not "thriving" in the ways that life used to feel. I do not know if this is a result of aging, or a result of the hardships faced in the last few years (the many deaths of folks, the challenges within that which I no longer talk about, or the various other changes at work, at home, at church, etc).
- And, I am not sure what happened to my friend's comment here either. Pat had left a substantial comment for me on the previous post..... but before I could contemplate it enough for a reply, it disappeared. And, it disappeared without a "removed by author" statement as well, which was also very perplexing to me as I thought that always happened. So, I give Pat my apology in that I have no idea what happened to the comment.
- What more can I say about my pipes? I see them before me, here in my office. I would like to befriend them, and they me. Would the 45 minute barrier to the pipe shop be sufficient for me to moderately indulge on rare occasion, or would my old stomping grounds be too much of a siren's call to me?
- On NPR this morning, there was a story about "Ice Box Cakes". I think it has likely been 25 years since I was at a party where someone had made one of these. Now, I have a hankering for one.
5 Comments:
How peculiar? I didn't delete my comment, but it's gone. Let me see if I can give you a much briefer recap of what I wrote.
My thought was that you seem happy with the prospect of enjoying a pipe or two every three months or so. You can handle the longings if you know they'll be satisfied within three months. On the other hand, you are clearly not satisfied with the idea of NEVER smoking a pipe ever again. So, you really ought to give the three-month interval a try. If it works, that's great... but if it's not, and you need to smoke your pipes more often, you would even be happier going back to daily pipes rather than NEVER having another pipe. So, a trip to the pipe shop sounds like a very good idea.
And from all you've written here, I have to think that a good bit of your loss of spontaneous joy has something to do with the strains of abstaining from your pipes. You are expending a lot of energy pretending to be someone you are not. Your pipes would bring back a lot of the "spark" and "joy" to your life, it seems. You managed to "thrive" with your pipes in hand, and you could do so again.
Meanwhile, with all your stresses, I wonder whether you have treated yourself recently to one of your over-the-top cranium-sized salads full of garbanzos and other yummy vegetables? Surely you can give yourself permission to enjoy one of those, yes? Maybe even with an indulgent ranch dressing drizzled on top?
i think that at least some of us get more sentimental and emotional as we age. We are more deeply touched by scenes or happenings that once passed by almost unnoticed. At least I think so. Or something like that.
My cousin and I was having a conversation and we were talking about retirement.
She worked as hard as her husband and since he was teacher and her as hairdresser. He getting quite a bit more than she will recieve.
Coffee is on and stay safe.
I'm sorry you aren't finding the same joy in life. You have a lot on your plate with work and students and the problem you don't talk about. I'm sure it is all weighing you down. I hope with the summer vacation you will find time to rediscover your joy.
I've definitely become more emotional with age but also, after seeing and experiencing so much, I have my eyes wide open. It's often difficult to remain joyous and hopeful when frightening reality stares us in the face. I worry for my children and grandchildren.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home