Neutral

In the image heading this post, the middle line between the numbers and letter represent what is the NEUTRAL position for placement of the gear shift knob on the transmission of a vehicle.  Some younger folks, if there are any that read this, may never have seen such a thing if they are from the U.S.

I am trying to stay emotionally neutral today, and also through the weekend.  It seems "safer" although it also feels rather "empty" as well.  

When a manual transmission vehicle is IN neutral, if the vehicle has a tachometer, it will display the "idling" rotations per minute (rpms) of the engine like in the above.  My trusty, old steed maintains an idle rpm of ~800-850 when I am in neutral.  Most vehicles of this sort will typically have an idle speed of ~1000 rpm, but I have always asked my mechanic (or have done it myself on earlier vehicles) to dial down the idle speed lower so as to conserve fuel.

The idle speed of a vehicle is its point of lowest energy consumption, other than when the engine is off.  In terms of an analogy, my human "idle" speed is where I have very low, minimalistic, emotional energy.  

The vehicle at idle is still "alive" with some consumption of fuel (gasoline ("petrol", for the British)) even though it is far less than at cruising speeds.  But, even though the vehicle at idle consumes... the vehicle at idle does not accomplish... much, if any work... it just consumes energy.  

The vehicle that is shut off.... is akin to being dead.

I am at idle today.  Therefore, I am "alive".  But, at the same time, emotionally I doubt I will get much, if anything done of any merit today.  The energy, the drive, is not there.  I do not want to shut off, that is for certain.  But, being at idle, although it is certainly emotionally "safer"...  feels lazy, feels sloth-like, feels like a wasting of precious time, like a useless consumption of fuel energy (in my case, the conversion of glucose or other food energy molecules into adenosine triphosphate).

I do not LIKE being emotionally neutral.  I do not like feeling lazy, useless, and sloth-like.  I do not like having a day where I do not strive to and hopefully accomplish at least a little something of merit.

I do not know.... but while I idle here in neutral.... perhaps the only thing of minimal merit I will be able to accomplish today is this brief post.  Getting my thoughts, my emotions down here... at least subjectively..... I will try to view that AS an accomplishment.  It feels about all I can muster at neutral.... at idle.

* * * * * 

• Ran only a lazy 5 miles this morning.  But, it was enough to hit the weekly target of at least 50+ miles (80+ km).  
• Trying to get things accomplished at work, but, being in neutral, makes it very difficult to accomplish anything of any real merit.
  
• Pat commented yesterday that my pipes were "palliative" to me.  I very much agree with that idea, and loved the sound and the idea of the alliterative phrase, "palliative pipes".   And, it is also very true.... smoking a pipe never SOLVED any problem.... but smoking a pipe ALMOST always relieved symptoms of a problem to allow better focus and resolution of a problem.  And, it is additionally true... smoking a pipe ALMOST always amplified positives in life as well.  In a simplistic reiteration..... smoking a pipe helped make bad things LESS bad, and smoking a pipe helped make good things EVEN better.
  
• AC mentioned that there are "computer distance" prescription options for visual clarity as well.  I "knew" of that, but had not really envisioned that I may need a third lens beyond my bifocals.  But, it is very logical to think I may.  My wife reminded me that my optic appointment is next Thursday.  I will be sure to ask the clinician for advice on how best to proceed.
• Margaret mentioned the difficulty of losing my church community.  It is indeed difficult.  The one WONDERFUL aspect for me in being Roman Catholic is that our faith is universal across the faith community.  What I mean by this is that I can, and have attended Mass in many different communities.... different towns, different cities, different states, different countries... and yet the EXPERIENCE is universal and is the same.  Yes, there are differences in language, dialect, etc.... BUT, regardless of those minor aspects.... the faith itself is universal.  I mention this idea.... because right now my wife and I are "parish hopping" trying out various nearby Catholic churches to see where we wish to land permanently.  Each experience is beautiful, and allows me to experience my faith.  But, not having an existing HOME parish now.... still deeply feels as a loss.  I miss the folks I would see each and every week.  I miss being a Lector.  I miss being an Usher, I miss being a Eucharistic Layperson, I miss being an occasional, substitute (albeit ancient) Altar Boy.  When we eventually figure out where we will have our HOME parish, I will diligently work to try to be allowed to serve in those ways again.  But, it sometimes takes a while.

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