Thoughts
At Mass yesterday, part of the Gospel reading included the following:
"Hear then the parable of the sower.
The seed sown on the path is the one
who hears the word of the kingdom without understanding it,
and the evil one comes and steals away
what was sown in his heart.
The seed sown on rocky ground
is the one who hears the word and receives it at once with joy.
But he has no root and lasts only for a time.
When some tribulation or persecution comes because of the word,
he immediately falls away.
The seed sown among thorns is the one who hears the word,
but then worldly anxiety and the lure of riches choke the word
and it bears no fruit.
But the seed sown on rich soil
is the one who hears the word and understands it,
who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold."
I am always very chagrined at myself when I am reminded of the above reading. It always reminds me and puts back into focus my MANY failings as a person. I firmly believe my role here on Earth is to be of service to others. But, far, far too often, I am hedonistically selfish and not focused on my role in life as I should be.
In thinking about the above, I find that far, far too often, I am like a soil on rocky ground. I can see and recognize the (seeds) service I should do, but that my focus is short-lived and quickly I revert back into selfishness and the seeds perish. Other times, I realize I am like a soil that is filled with weeds and thorns that distracts me and diverts my attention from the (seeds) service I should do and the weeds and thorns occupy my limited time instead of allowing me to focus and strive towards the service I should foster in myself.
The rocky soil is akin to my own failure to follow through with the goals of service I have. My lack of follow-through on so many things every day has me ashamed of myself.
The weeds and thorns, the distractions... should be something I CAN overlook, but I do not. I waste my time on past hurts, I waste my time listening to the shear nonsense that is politics today. I waste my time selfishly not doing what I SHOULD do. I am lazy.
I need to be better. I need to be a stronger person. I need to keep my focus on service. I must TRY HARDER to become a better person. I cannot just keep failing.... I need to force myself to become the better person I can be.
* * * * *
- The air quality index was poor again today due to the Canadian wildfires. The haze was very heavy and thick yesterday and this morning. So, I had to hoof out my miles indoors. I ran 11.2 miles (~18km) on the indoor track.
- I am trying to jump in deeply today and this week to organize, repair, and refine my teaching laboratory space for my Fall embryology course. I can provide a better experience for these students if I were to tweak and modify a few things.
- I am hoping to also begin some serious organization and planning of one of my research labs in preparation of a few new research studies we want to formally begin this Fall.
- I am also still working on trying to declutter spaces in our home. I have read several studies that suggest a decluttered home (or work) environment can for many folks, foster a sense of emotional and mental calmness. I firmly believe that is true for me. My wife and I have been trying to do this especially during the last few weeks. I am hoping to corral a vehicle-load of items to take to the local donation center this afternoon. It is a strenuous task as we both tend to have a natural inclination to save things that "might be useful in the future".
- In one of the pockets of the "cargo shorts" I am wearing today (no classes, so I can be more casual), I have one of my Dad's pipes. This one happens to be a simple, but wonderful 1/4 bend Dr. Grabow. Dr. Grabow pipes are inexpensive, "workhorse" pipes, and they were very frequently the pipe my Dad would use during more hectic workdays. Even though it has been over 5 1/2 years since I have smoked this pipe of my Dad's, I can still identify the remnants of the beautifully plain scent of Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco I would smoke in it. I have several other Dr. Grabow pipes, of course, but I wanted to carry around with me my Dad's pipe today. I am also still attempting to work through if I can trust my own judgement and willpower about potentially traversing down as a "special occasion" to the pipe shop I spoke of.
5 Comments:
I could hear myself saying all those charges you brought against yourself. I tell myself I must be kinder to me and you must be kinder to you too. I don't believe either of us is quite as bad as we tell ourselves. I do think 'should' ought to be removed from our vocabularies.
And remember Paul had the same problems.
A meditation for you, Professor...
Which option is more selfish and hedonistic?
1) To humbly honor your family heritage and the person it made of you, including the appropriate use of your pipes and tobaccos?
2) To pridefully break from your heritage, thinking that you have a better way and can justifiably and beneficially cut yourself off from not just your own past, but from your heritage of pipe smokers?
Maybe I am misreading you, and your abstinence is in fact an expression of humility. But from what you've written on this blog, I often perceive a lot of "self will" (pride) tied up in your abstinence, and a lot of humility when you write about your connection to pipe smoking and your heritage. If you want to be a better person, but doing so requires you to maintain the emotional and physical equilibrium that only your pipes can provide, perhaps you can even see a return (whether quarterly or even daily) to your pipes as part of your discovering the "better person" within yourself.
You are a dedicated teacher, a loving spouse and a caring parent. I wouldn't call those selfish at all, PT! We can all focus on becoming better and reaching out more while acknowledging our positives.
We are all just human and pulled in many directions, especially in modern society. You, and most of us, try our best most of the time.
None of us perfect.
Coffee is on, and stay safe.
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