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Sharp Pain

I have been trying to work through it, but this week has been filled with far more sharp, stabbing pains of loss than I have had for several weeks. I can have very reasonable, normal days at work. Some happiness, some business, some good teaching moments, some frustrating university politics. But several times during this week, I would have a strong sense of wanting to... actually planning to... talk with my mother when I got home. It used to be a very common through in my mind... as I left my building at the end of the day... I would think happy thoughts about my family, feeling love for them. And I would often have a funny incident or story I would want to tell Mom when I got home. The thinking of those normal patterns of thought... the same sort of thing I would typically think of most days when I left the U for home... that would cause me to catch my breath and feel a sharp dagger of pain as I realized I would not be able to see Mom when I arrived home.

I miss her smile towards me.
I miss her laugh.
I miss talking with her. We could talk about silly things or serious things and it would be wonderfully deep, enriching conversation. I so miss that.
I miss having her to count on.
I miss helping her.
I miss watching television with her.
I miss her hug.

I miss HER.

I am not sure why the pain has been especially sharp this week. I cannot discern anything that would have made it so.

Part of me wants that sharp sadness to leave. But part of me fears it will then simply leave a void of nothingness. That is worse. It would be as if I lost another piece of her.

PipeTobacco