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Nebulous Meanderings

I am feeling rather out of sync and out of sorts today:

1. We had a sudden return of sub freezing temperatures, and this has discouraged me from walking outside again. I need to force myself into walking in the cold, as once I get used to it again, it is nice.

2. My wife, who always grows sleepy before I do, is having a challenge (due to the shorter day length, I suspect) staying awake beyond 9pm these days. Again, I know it is a part of her nature and that this time of year it is especially prominent as it grows dark around 5pm. But, I think I am feeling this dichotomy of sleep-wake cycles more profoundly this year, because in previous years when my wife would be unable to stay awake, I would have my Mom to talk with during the evening. It feels very lonely at night. I have been trying to get to bed earlier to try to adjust to my wife's schedule (last night I went to bed at the incredibly early time (for me)of 11:30pm), but I typically toss and turn and am restless and unable to fall asleep until my more typical time of 1:00am.

3. The grief support group that meets once a month at the library had a meeting this past Tuesday about the "Loss of a Parent". I attended this meeting, and there are many thoughts rolling around in my head about this session. I am not quite yet ready to put them down on paper here, but that is my plan in the next several days.

4. I am working my way through a book I checked out of the library that is about the life of a man who attempted on three seperate occasions while in his 70s, to set sail across the Atlantic Ocean in a small 11 foot boat. I will write the title down and post about it as I delve into the story more. But, as of this time, the adventure seems far different than I had been hoping for. He seems almost "off his rocker" in terms of how he attempts these adventures. I was anticipating something more methodical and adventuresome.

5. The problem with "Andrew" also is something I have thought about these last several days. As he has vowed to not read this blog nor answer e-mails, I suspect nothing will improve. It is discouraging. He apparently does not want or desire comments that have substance, as he called my comments "harping". If this conflict is ever resolved, I plan to only offer the self-help, "Oprah-esque" type comments of "Wow! That is fab!" or "Gee, you 'got it goin' on'!" he seems to be favoring and desiring these days.

6. I went to the pipe shop yesterday on my way home from the University. There was a beautiful walnut grained, half-bent Dublin style pipe that caught my attention. It is exceptionally beautiful with curves in all the right places, a pleasantly large bowl, and a silky smooth finish. Especially noticable was the broad stem (mouthpiece)that I always find more enjoyable clenching between my teeth (rather than the more common, narrow stem). To top it all off, it was also very modestly priced. I almost purchased said pipe, but I hesitated because I am still not sure what my heart and mind are guiding me to do. Should I continue with my hobby, or should I purposefully refrain? That is another topic of debate in my cortex. Part of me suggests it should be a birthday present to myself, but another side of me says no.

7. With my upcoming birthday, and with the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays just around the corner, I am wondering what these events will be like without my beautiful Mother present physically. These will be the first of this trio of holidays, and from all that I have read about the psychology of grief, it could be a time of significant emotional turmoil. I know that it may be difficult, but I also know that it may not need to be difficult. I am just not sure what to anticipate within myself.

8. I feel like I am drifting and am simply buffeted by the winds into whatever direction they choose for me. I much prefered the sense of taking charge of my life and my day that I had fostered during the latter part of the summer and first half of the Fall Semester. If I want to recapture that, though, I need to figure out how to cope with the changing conditions (those listed above and others) more successfully.

PipeTobacco