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Reply to Lady Elaine

I am not sure what caused her rancor, but in some way my thoughts irritated Lady Elaine to such an extent that she responded with this comment to my last essay:

So....What makes you believe that this other gentleman has not been also praying to God on a daily(hourly basis) to grant him THIS job...perhaps he has family who rely on him and this is the way he will care for them? I am perplexed why you would think that something as specific as "preventing person X from getting Y job" would be something as a Christian you would ask God to do? All the angst you are sufferring is very very selfish. God does not exist to make sure that your work environment is suitable and pleasing for you...I think there are larger issues here that She needs to look after. You are correct in saying that you should be focusing on your family life, and how to become a better father/husband. That should be your first priority. That would be a prayer worthy of God's intersession. I have enjoyed reading your musings in the past, but this latest river of agony is too selfish and self centered to be taken seriously. Its like a little boy asking God to please bring him the only red bicycle in the store, because his friend also wants one. You have a blessed career. You have tenure..you cant be fired, your bills will be paid, you will not become homeless, and no one is preventing you from researching what you wish. For 99.9% of the world, your situation would be heaven. basically, what I am saying is stop whining, get real, put your big boy coat on and deal with it. No one..especially GOD owes you anything. Perhaps you should start off on a relationship with God by thanking HIM for all your blessings instead of whining that you want HIM to interced so that someone else does not get a job...

My comments:

1. I never wished ill will on this possible hire. I have stated several times I do not feel he is the best person for this position. I have also stated that I hope for God to grant him a better job at another U that he will like more. I do not think his coming to my U would be in either of our best interests... he and I would be competing for students, for resources, and for teaching loads in ways that DO NOT EXIST between any other members of the Department. I do not think his taking this job would be fair to HIM nor to ME.

2. Whether you would understand my pain would depend upon if you had ever experienced playing "second fiddle" to someone for an EXTENDED period of time, not because you are not qualified... but because you are not the "cool, trendy" one. It is a devastating feeling and demoralizes a person and causes them to doubt their own self-worth. The hire of this possible individual would set me up for such a scenario for the remainder of my work life. And, again, until you have lived in the shadow of someone who shines for reasons outside of the work effort, it is difficult for you to understand. This "second fiddle" aspect is something I faced during most of my childhood, and the thought of returning to that is difficult at best.

3. My writings here have been ways for me to express my feelings about life. As it stands, my emotions have been in a good deal of turmoil for quite a spell... roughly two years now. What I write about is of late mostly about the feelings I have of my own limits, my own fears, my difficulties facing the myriad of changes that have happened to me as of late.

4. If I had my druthers, I would want to have some emotional stability for an extended period of time. I would like to not have fear, or worry, or grief for just a while, so that my body and my mind can relax and recover from what has been difficult for me for a long while.

So, in a nutshell, I have tried to restructure my relationship with God. I am trying to talk openly to Him and have Him hear me. If I am to find peace and purpose again, it will only be through His help and guidance.

I pray to you, O God, to keep me and my family safe. I pray to you to look into my heart and see how emotionally drained I am. I leave it in your hands to of course do your will. But, please, please, I beg you to look out for me. I feel so fragile and vulnerable, and adrift. I cry every day because I miss so much... my mother, my father, my aunts and uncles, my niece who committed suicide, I miss feeling confident and "speical" in my work, I miss feeling confident I can make a difference with my life. I miss having a vision of the road I wish to travel in life. I miss feeling positive about life. I miss myself.

You know my hopes, O Lord. Please consider my requests as you make your decisions.

PipeTobacco