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Ship Adrift

Mother's Day had both its good and bad elements. My wife was pleased. My attempt at a new Italian/Hispanic fusion food main course was well received. We went and bought a variety of bagels this morning with four different cream cheeses and had a grand morning following mass.

Yet, I feel very listless, and I feel very much a failure. I seem to only survive and not live. I seem to be buffeted from one task to another, never finding joy in what I do, never getting to a point where I am finished with what is required. I became angry while shopping at the local Target this past evening. I bought a pair of shoes to attempt to renew my vow to exercise regularly again. Yet even as I paid for the damn shoes, I knew there was little chance in hell that I would screw up enough gumption to use them on Monday. Therefore, my mood was very sour.

I miss my mom, especially on this Mother's Day (it is only shortly after midnight on Monday so to me it is still Sunday). Tomorrow morning I shall make the long trip to the opposite side of town to retrieve (?) the flowers I placed on my mother's and grandmother's graves for Mother's Day. I wrote the bracketed question mark because unfortunately there is a high likelihood that one or both of the potted plants will have been swiped by some unscrupulous people who seem to take pleasure in stealing flowers from grave sites. This has been something that has gone on for at least 15 years that I know of. My beautiful mother would become so sad when flowers to my father or to her mother or father would be stolen.

In honor of her, I buy the same exact type of plants that she preferred to leave on the graves. In honor of her I buy flowers for all the people that she brought flowers to as well as to her. If these potted plants are still there on Monday morning, I will bring them home and water and care for them to bring them back (and buy others) to put out on Memorial Day weekend to place on the graves of my mother & father, my grandparents, an aunt, four uncles, and two cousins.

I wish I could feel a sense of order, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of happiness. Yet, life typically feels too overwhelming... and all I feel instead is an ability to scurry from one mandatory task to another, pushing back my desires and hopes and goals.

I do not know what or how what I wrote is pertinent to anything. Perhaps this simply doing what is necessary and forced each day is what everyone does in their life, and I was too naive to know any different. If that is the case, I wish I could go back into my naive dream state where I thought I worked hard but also played hard.

PipeTobacco