.
Challenging

Thank you all for your most recent comments. Especially those pertaining to "SuperPuppy" who will be arriving at any moment. The clock ticks the harsh "click" every second that passes as his arrival draws near. In my mind it sounds as if a timer for the explosion of a bomb that will destroy all that I have known.

I went to visit my father and mother's grave yesterday evening. There is a term in psychology called "Lack of Affect" which refers to a blank expression that some patients will show due to a mental illness that prevents them from displaying the typical facial expressions due to the activities of life. For me, I feel an emotional "Lack of Affect" at the moment. Perhaps the lack of ability to feel and perceive happiness is a byproduct of my strong internal desire to shield myself the horrors of the grief and sadness over the losses I have experienced in the last few years and of the loss of self I fear will begin to happen in just a brief while with "SuperPuppy". Perhaps I am destined to be forever more in a neutral purgatory of non-emotion for my own safety and protection. The grief of the prior losses and the grief over the impending loss of self may be too much for my gentle psyche to bear without crumbling into death much like pine needles when they fall from the tree will grow brown, brittle and eventually revert to dust.

I am still forcing myself to exercise each morning, although it is nearly torturous for me as I do not want to do the activity. I have decided to forgo my morning coffee and my pipe today (until I leave this evening) as well to attempt to grow and become better and stronger in some way.

PipeTobacco