Still Debating, Still Stressed, Still Sad
The situation I spoke of on Valentine's Day that was about how my wife and I were having difficulty with a very important decision.... it is still going on. I dislike the time this is taking greatly. My wife and I both feel very edgy and stressed about it. Fortunately, since she loves me and I love her, we are both still able to treat each other kindly even in amidst the stress. She is so wonderful and kind to me. The several times during this weekend when I would cry in sadness and sorrow, she would hug me and help me to feel less scared. The times when I was able to laugh this past weekend, she was there with me enjoying the time.
When I was crying the deep, despondent sobs I a few times this weekend, she would hug me tightly and wipe away my tears. When she noticed that the tears had made my beard wet, she brought a towel to me and gently rubbed my beard dry.
While we still try to make this decision (and again, both of them could be potentially very good), I know she will continue to be my friend, my love, my confidant, my companion, my sweetheart, my person, my reason for trying to be as good of a person as I can be.
She understands how hard it is for me to embrace change. She understands how risk aversive I am. She understands how I fear I am not a good "steward" with my life. She understands how I am, and also knows how I want to be. She also knows for me that I have trouble accepting the idea that *either* decision will be fine. I keep thinking that one has to be better for us than the other, but I cannot figure out which one. The fear of picking the wrong decision is what is so weighty on my mind.
I hate and despise myself sometimes. Sometimes I think I might understand why, but in reality, most of the time I do not have any idea why I feel that way. I do not know how else to state this bit of information. When I despise and hate myself, I typically feel like crawling into bed and not moving for days. I have not actually crawled into bed and not moved for days, but it is what I FEEL like doing. Instead, I FORCE myself out of bed and try to force myself to adopt as "normal" a daily routine as I can. I have felt like staying in bed and not moving for days now. I have had a very difficult time getting up at my normal 5am. Much of the time, I do not end up getting up until 7:15, and by then I have really screwed up most of my day, which only adds to my stress, sadness and self-loathing. I think I till try to put extra effort into FORCING myself out of bed at 5am again. I usually feel happier when I do. However, when that alarm goes off at 5, and I wake up from a sleep that is usually NOT full of fear, and remember all my anxieties, I so desperately want to drift off again into that sleep. It is a conundrum. To begin to feel better, I think I need to force myself to get up, but that is easier said than done, when I feel such anxiety upon awakening.
One of my wife's sibling had to go into surgery on Saturday for an emergency procedure. It seems to have gone well, and she may discharged today. A spouse of a co-worker passed away on Sunday. He was a wonderful fellow. I was just at his birthday celebration a few months ago. He was only 65. It is so very sad to contemplate. He gave me many pointers about running, as he knew I have been trying to figure out how to become a pseudo-runner during the last 2 years. He was a very good runner. He died of cancer.
Today's (Tuesday's) Goal = 0 bowls
Monday's [2/18] Goal = 0 bowls
Actual consumption (Monday) = 0 bowls
Walking Day 1612 / SOPS Day7