The Thoughts of a Frumpy Professor

............................................ ............................................ A blog devoted to the ramblings of a small town, middle aged college professor as he experiences life and all its strange variances.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Still Debating, Still Stressed, Still Sad



The situation I spoke of on Valentine's Day that was about how my wife and I were having difficulty with a very important decision.... it is still going on.  I dislike the time this is taking greatly.  My wife and I both feel very edgy and stressed about it.  Fortunately, since she loves me and I love her, we are both still able to treat each other kindly even in amidst the stress.  She is so wonderful and kind to me.  The several times during this weekend when I would cry in sadness and sorrow, she would hug me and help me to feel less scared.  The times when I was able to laugh this past weekend, she was there with me enjoying the time.

When I was crying the deep, despondent sobs I a few times this weekend, she would hug me tightly and wipe away my tears.  When she noticed that the tears had made my beard wet, she brought a towel to me and gently rubbed my beard dry.   

While we still try to make this decision (and again, both of them could be potentially very good), I know she will continue to be my friend, my love, my confidant, my companion, my sweetheart, my person, my reason for trying to be as good of a person as I can be. 

She understands how hard it is for me to embrace change.  She understands how risk aversive I am.  She understands how I fear I am not a good "steward" with my life.  She understands how I am, and also knows how I want to be.  She also knows for me that I have trouble accepting the idea that *either* decision will be fine.  I keep thinking that one has to be better for us than the other, but I cannot figure out which one.  The fear of picking the wrong decision is what is so weighty on my mind. 

********************************************

I hate and despise myself sometimes.  Sometimes I think I might understand why, but in reality, most of the time I do not have any idea why I feel that way.  I do not know how else to state this bit of information.  When I despise and hate myself, I typically feel like crawling into bed and not moving for days.  I have not actually crawled into bed and not moved for days, but it is what I FEEL like doing.  Instead, I FORCE myself out of bed and try to force myself to adopt as "normal" a daily routine as I can.  I have felt like staying in bed and not moving for days now.   I have had a very difficult time getting up at my normal 5am.  Much of the time, I do not end up getting up until 7:15, and by then I have really screwed up most of my day, which only adds to my stress, sadness and self-loathing.  I think I till try to put extra effort into FORCING myself out of bed at 5am again.  I usually feel happier when I do.  However, when that alarm goes off at 5, and I wake up from a sleep that is usually NOT full of fear, and remember all my anxieties, I so desperately want to drift off again into that sleep.  It is a conundrum.  To begin to feel better, I think I need to force myself to get up, but that is easier said than done, when I feel such anxiety upon awakening.  

********************************************

One of my wife's sibling had to go into surgery on Saturday for an emergency procedure.  It seems to have gone well, and she may discharged today.  A spouse of a co-worker passed away on Sunday.  He was a wonderful fellow.  I was just at his birthday celebration a few months ago.  He was only 65.    It is so very sad to contemplate.  He gave me many pointers about running, as he knew I have been trying to figure out how to become a pseudo-runner during the last 2 years.    He was a very good runner.  He died of cancer. 

PipeTobacco

Today's (Tuesday's) Goal = 0 bowls   

Monday's [2/18] Goal = 0 bowls
Actual consumption (Monday) = 0 bowls


Walking Day 1612 / SOPS Day7




21 Comments:

Blogger Aquarians Love To Fuck said...

Partake of pharmaceuticals Herr Professor - at least until you are 'over the hump'.

The Physician in me fears for you.
The psychopath in me cares not.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger thimscool said...

For heaven's sake, just get the sex change operation!




Just kidding. I dunno why you're so wound around... by now surely you have recognized that opportunity cost is part of any bargain. Just make your choice and take heart than in another universe there is a Pipe Smoking Professor that made the other choice, and he is happier than you are.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger Aquarians Love To Fuck said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger billy pilgrim said...

i'll open the bidding at $2.00 for the true story behind the tears.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger thimscool said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger Leslie said...

You guys are heartless!

Let the record show I was not the reason for comment moderation.

Cheer up, P-Frump, life is short and no one likes a wet beard!

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger billy pilgrim said...

i'm not going to bid against myself.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger thimscool said...

All right I bid 5 bucks!

Who get's the pot when the Professor lets us all in on the secret? I volunteer.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger BBC said...

I have no idea what this change is that you face. Or why you would fear it, or whatever.

That cancer sure gets around, I'm surprised it hasn't gotten me yet.

Great job on the walking and no smoking.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger BBC said...

I'm getting to the age to where I'm considering drinking tea instead of beer at the bar, the decision is really fucking stressing me out, hahahaha.

No it's not....

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger billy pilgrim said...

I CAN HELP.

seriously, i can help.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger Beth said...

Professor, I've said this before: please ask your doctor for an antidepressant. This post so clearly shows that you are depressed, and while you are functional, you could be seeing things far more clearly and optimistically than you are now. When all you can see is the negative side to two positive choices, you need help. Please, please see a therapist for a while and get on some medication, at least short-term. Making a choice between two positive things should not cause you such grief.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger Leslie said...

Hugs not Big Pharma drugs, P-Frump! You will never get off those nasty prescription meds and 90% of the "depressed" folks that shoot up movie theatres and schools are on these so-called antidepressants.

You might wanna smoke some hash though. Opium, if you can get it. It might make you cut back on the tobacco intake plus you'd feel way less stressed.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger harry said...

I wonder if Beth has ever smoked a joint or a gram or two of the old Lebanese or Moraccan or Afgani ?

Crack cocaine is safer than the crop of monkey tranqs prescribed by " mental health" quacks.

Good luck finding some real hashish; maybe pilgrims zipperheads can hook you up with the opium.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger thimscool said...

ALTF can get whatever you want.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger harry said...

" ...no one likes a wet beard! "

priceless !!!

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger Beth said...

While I'm certainly of the 'better living through chemistry' age, I choose my doctors carefully...prescription drug addiction is not anything I ever aspired to. (Nor, for that matter, addiction of any sort, although I know something about that.) I still think that antidepressants used carefully for short-term depression is better than opium or crack cocaine, ferpetesake. And the joint will make you feel fiiinnnneee in the moment, but doesn't help deal with the underlying depression. Therapy does work.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger AgSweep said...

I am rather decision adverse myself. It helps me to think about the decision as a puzzle like a rubics cube in my hands which I can turn and examine from every angle. I twist and turn it until I am satisfied I understand the question. I can then approximate the answers.Then I worry over those for a while. But at some point you have to acknowledge that you've thought of all you can. Pick the one your gut tells you to. And let go of the thought that you can accurately predict the consequences of any decision, it just can't be done. We can never know what tomorrow brings. Often times what starts out seeming like a horrible decision, a veritable disaster, turns into not such a disaster after all. You've already identified the important parts, it doesn't matter what you choose, your wife and you will face it together, deal with it, process it, live it.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger BBC said...

Well, Beth, the best advice I ever got from a doctor was, "Bite the bullet." While he drew fluid out of my knee without a pain killer.

And I'm reminded of something a man that is married to a shrink said, "Every shrink needs a shrink." Based on my experiences and discussions with them I can fully agree on his statement.

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger skinny minny said...

I don't believe I have ever commented on here before BUT feel I really must. while I have suffered my whole life with depression and so far have dealt with it sans drugs (well, at least prescription drugs or illegal drugs) I am not anti drug and have thought about short term use to help get beyond the wall I can not seem to blast away right now. SO from that point of view, you need to get some help for your depression be it talk therapy, group therapy, drug therapy or a combo of the three...you are a witty intelligent man who deserves to be happy and content

Tuesday, 19 February, 2013  
Blogger austere said...

Hi PT.
I really don't know what has happened.
But I know you can handle it.

When did you last see sunshine? Yes please, I'd seriously like to know.

Wednesday, 20 February, 2013  

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