Life has (knock on wood) seemed to settle into an even-keel once again. The illnesses that had happened, the horrors of the last few weeks have seemed to quiet down for a while, so I am feeling a bit more calm.

As a man of science, a man with a logical predisposition, with the stereotypical grey beard, pipe, and wire-rimmed glasses... the whole nine yards, I typically am not a superstitious sort of individual. However, I cannot help but feel a myriad of superstition and dread etc about my family's well-being. Perhaps it is because the family members are those I truly care about on an emotional, not only scientific/logical perspective. Or perhaps it is because unlike most aspects of my logical/scientific life, the health and well being of my family is something I have only limited control in regulating. But, regardless, I do live in a state of worry, concern, often fear, and sometimes dread in waiting for the "next shoe to drop".... meaning I live in a state of preparedness for the next malady or illness to rear its ugly head upon my family.

I have come to realize that this sense of foreboding or worry has been a very strong motivator and an active part of my life for decades, if not my entire life. And when I think about it, I am always reminded about the old adage "A coward dies a thousand deaths, while a valiant (brave) man dies but once." I think it is a very wise and true saying. The fear and the worry about illness or death to members of my family is akin to living in pain constantly and it is similar to the pain I have experienced at the death of a loved one. So, it is true, that if I could learn to not worry about the future of my family's health, I could save myself much pain. However, in the same vein, as a father, husband, son, etc, it is part of my duty as a caring man to tend to these needs and issues in my family. And, at the same time, I have this thought also coursing through the back of my mind that if I *do not* or *stop* worrying about my family's health issues, then I am also setting the stage for fate or destiny or God's wrath or something else to take over and say, "Well, you do not care enough, so I am going besiege your family with more hurt!".

It is a horrible conundrum of emotions I feel. I truly do not see a way out of this sort of mindset... each option can easily feed back into the other so no matter which route I take, I feel as if I end up losing emotionally.

This is where my mind is at today.

PipeTobacco