Better In My Head
I have said on previous occasions that I know that I have a problem with ruminating too damn much about things. I admit it, and I do not like that part of my personality. But, it is sure a helluva lot harder to STOP ruminating than it is to know I should stop ruminating.
- Think deeply about something: "we sat ruminating on the nature of existence".
- (of a ruminant) Chew the cud
This darker rumination stems from fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear of loss, fear of immutable change, fear of not being loved, fear of being alone in life.
But, that darker rumination is all a huge waste of time, a huge waste of my energy, and a huge waste of ME as a person. So, I have to keep fighting against it. I need to battle it with the arsenal I have at hand. Previously, I have used my walking as a part of arsenal. I have used other exercise in my arsenal, and I have frequently used my pipe and pipe tobaccos as part of my arsenal to fight and combat this "dark rumination".
The one aspect of all of the three is that they consume time and effort away from dark rumination. With SOPS V2, unfortunately, a sizeable chunk of my arsenal has been eliminated.
But, I can "pump up" the other two aspects of my arsenal to try to compensate. I did get up again today at 5:00 (actually 4:55am) and forced myself to get on the road and get my body moving on the 5 mile walk. I did force myself to get to the gym and I lifted weights again and again until my arms (and my mind) were exhausted. I ran a mile on the indoor track as well to tire myself (and my mind) out. It seems to have helped. I feel much more like my typical self right now. If I start to feel the "dark rumination" returning, perhaps I will take another stroll, perhaps around the U or something similar. The last several days, I didn't get myself out of bed until about 7:15 or so, and after walking, I was already pushing my time to get to the U, and hence had no time for the gym.
So, while my current situation is still progressing and no decision has been made of yet (and yes, both continue to be positive, and yes, also both will change my family's life forever.... and yes.... if I think about it too much, I start to drift into dark rumination about the anxiety and fear of I have about the loss of control I have when the choice is eventually made (we can never go back to what was before), I am wrestling with my assinie emotions about this, and I am trying and succeeding to a degree, to force myself back into a better mental focus.
Rumination can be good, or it can be downright wretchedly ugly and sinister. It has that "slippery slope" aspect to it.
The other definition of ruminate (to chew the cud) has given me a thought.... I could perhaps start enjoying chewing tobacco in lieu of my pipe on those days that are not SOPS V2 friendly. It has a modicum of appeal even though I have not really ever been much of a chewer. But, I know I am only joking about it, because a) it is not really in keeping with what I would like to accomplish with SOPS. and b) because my wife would be annoyed as heck at me if I started to chew and wanted a spitoon. But, chewing tobacco could be a reasonably human oriented action akin to chewing cud.
Today's (Wednesday's) Goal = 0 bowls
Tuesday's [2/19] Goal = 0 bowls
Actual consumption (Tuesday) = 0 bowls
Walking Day 1613 / SOPS Day 8