Improved Disposition

With the feelings of deep anxiety I felt yesterday, I worked VERY diligently to try to ignore the anxiety as best as I could and to work as feverishly, and as damn dogged determinedly as I possibly could from the moment I got out of my vehicle at the U, until it was the scheduled time to potentially go to the Retiree's Cigar Group.  

It was challenging to keep the anxiety as OUT of my mind as I could, but I was reasonably successful.  When the time came to potentially head out to the Retiree's Cigar Group, I hemmed and hawed a bit, not really sure if I was up for going or not.  It was rather "touch-and-go" for quite a bit, but ultimately, I decided that I SHOULD head over there, as I doubted it would WORSEN my feelings of anxiety.  So, I took the drive.

On the route there, I ended up stopping at a 7-11 and buying myself a huge fountain drink of Diet Dr. Pepper because I felt incredibly dry and thirsty... even though I had already consumed my equally huge iced coffee and another equally huge ice water already during the morning.  

I arrived at the shop, and it was very much a "Norm at Cheers" sort of moment, much to my surprise.  All the fellows already there ahead of me (which was the whole crew, because I still end up arriving late during the Fall, but only a bit late) hollered out my name in unison......  "Pipe!".   

I have to admit, that the robust greeting actually made me feel awfully damn good.  Truly, it gave me a sense of happiness.

I quickly rummaged around in the humidors for a bit, searching, and ultimately picked up a reasonably budget priced 70x6 house brand Maduro, which was a new cigar to me, paid, grabbed a cigar clipper and a lighter from the communal box of those things the owners keep available and on-hand and went to the circle of lounge chairs and found an open seat, and sat down with my huge fountain drink.

Over the next 2.5 hours I was there, I felt myself RELAX in ways I had not been able to do for many, many, many days.  The discussions were all over the map, some more "serious" some a bit ribald, but all ... simply.... congenial fun. The cigar itself was pleasantly tasty too, and even though it may sound odd, or nearly blasphemous.... the giant Dr. Pepper "paired" perfectly with the cigar as well.   

When I eventually left the shop, I felt so much more my "normal" self than I had in a long time.  In route back towards home, I also stopped at the pool..... briefly showered, and then swam for about half an hour.  Unfortunately, my wife had a scheduled meeting, so she could not join me at the pool, but it was still peaceful and refreshing.

After getting home, and waiting until my wife was able to come home, I worked in my den on the computer and did some more U work.  Then when my wife arrived home, we had a "Taco Feast" which for me meant a huge, heaping, taco salad in a bowl bigger than my head, a bean burrito, and a bean toastada.  

We decided to eat in the family room, and chatted and semi-watched some television.  Again, wholly peaceful.  

When we eventually called it an evening, we went to bed, each of us reading a bit (I was happily more awake at night than I had been for a long time), and then as we turned out the lights, to go to sleep (after a goodnight kiss, of course), I did successfully have enough time to reminisce in my mind about some of my beautiful pipe memories before I drifted off to sleep.  

This second half of my day FELT SO DAMN NORMAL.... and at the same time it felt like pure bliss, and a true blessing to me.  It was SO very nice.

I hope I can maintain this feeling today.

PipeTobacco  

Anxiety

I am not REALLY sure why, but I awoke feeling extremely anxious this morning, and I cannot seem to shake it.  I also went against my own personal edict and last night, I DID NOT set my second alarm (which I have to get up out of bed and walk across the room to turn off).  I relied on my phone alarm.  It was far too easy to hit the "snooze" button and avoid the feelings of anxiety.... and so I ended up getting up too late to run.  The second alarm situation was not what CAUSED my anxiety.  But, unfortunately, it allowed me to more easily avoid getting up and that unfortunately impacted the running I should have done.

So, now I need to try to figure out how to make up those miles.  Perhaps late in the day today, or perhaps I will do extra tomorrow or Saturday.  I am not sure.

But, I feel anxious as hell, and this does not bode well for a pleasant day.  I had/have plans to go to the Retiree's Cigar Group, but I am not sure if going in this anxious state would be fruitful.  One the one hand, perhaps going would help me TO relax (that would be the hope).  But, with how I am feeling at the moment, I am not sure if that would be the case..... and it could simply be a "nothing" experience if I cannot shake these anxious feelings.  

PipeTobacco

Still Zooming....

I am still having to zoom through more things than can be reasonably expected from a normal work day.  But, some small glimmers of hope are starting to appear:

• I am giving some exams this week, and I get a reprieve from "big voicing" lecturers a bit in two of my classes.  And, other than having to monitor for "roving eyes" continually, it is a calming bit of time.
• I even was able to daydream a bit while proctoring the first exam today.  I am not sure if I did so INTENTIONALLY or if I lapsed into the daydream because I am very tired, but either way, it was pleasant.  For about five minutes or so, I was in a vivid daydream about smoking Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco in my favorite, old Peterson pipe.  A student's water bottle clattered from her desk during the exam which disrupted the daydream and brought my attention back to watching for "roving eyes".  
• My wife has promised me that we are going to be able to swim today.  
• And, I THINK (hope/pray) that I will be able to simply "shut down" my mind and relax on the couch with my wife by 9:00pm this evening and may even watch a bit of news or a program on the tv,  

If the final two do happen, it will be a great day!

PipeTobacco

Still Plugging...

I am striving to return to daily posting.  I will do my best. 

I still do not have a LOT of time, but.... I can feel that it is reaching a cusp and may (hopefully) start to decline some.  

Bullets:

• I had horrible nightmares on Saturday night and also on Sunday night.  So, on Sunday and this morning, I had very poor sleep and I awoke exhausted, tired, and grumpy.  Both nights, it was the same person I was having nightmares about... the former "friend" at work who has been so hurtful and mean.  Other problems also occurred in the nightmares as well, all work related things (one somewhat interestingly strange was that I had a student in my A&P Laboratory dancing around, rather inappropriately on one of the lab benches, causing chaos for the other students in the class).  
• I pounded out my miles this morning, trying and hoping to shed the anger, frustration and feelings of hurt I was feeling from the nightmares.  The running tired me out enough that I was not as upset.
• I am hoping my wife will be able to go swimming.... I would love to swim at the end of the day before I go to band.  
• I have been trying to think of memories of my pipes (or even of some of the better Retiree Cigar Meetings) as I fall asleep.  But, I have not actually DONE SO in quite a long time.  I am so exhausted by the time I lay down for bed, I am instantly asleep.  Sometimes I cannot even remember fully getting under the covers..... I fall asleep so instantly.  That does not feel particularly good to be that tired.

PipeTobacco 

Darkness

My mood and my emotions have been in a very dark place the last while.  I am tending to see (or perhaps re-realize?) that a significant factor (perhaps not the only one) in the "darkness" I am feeling relates to being in a timeframe where I lose much of my own sense of a "feeling of autonomy".  And, what I believe is the major culprit in this loss of autonomy is regarding my having a sense of having some sort of control over my time.  The last few weeks have been mostly moving from one task to the next, with each movement to a new task being done because of that task's required deadline and timing.  This has literally been pretty much my life for the last few weeks from the moment my feet hit the floor until I can collapse in bed.

Having every moment of my waking hours being regulated and shaped by deadline after deadline after deadline is just zapping the energy out of me and draining my spirit.  

Even the THREE things I have forced myself to MAINTAIN during this time, because they traditionally are joys and emotionally helpful to me have been feeling "pressurized" and in some ways just ADDING to my loss of autonomy.  And, for these good things to do that, makes no damn sense:

1.  Running - I have continued to run.  I do so because I am glad I can do so.  I do so because it is a healthy activity.  And, I do so because it is the best way that I can find to decrease stress.  BUT... in the last few weeks, it has been simply a chore that I grind out.  I grind it out because IN ORDER to be able to FIND TIME to run, I have to get up so damn early that it is dark outside (I use a headlamp) in order to get this done before I then have to hustle my *ss further to get ready to get to the U and begin to hit all those deadlines.

2.  Retiree's Cigar Group - I have gone, but during these weeks it has been somewhat of a STRUGGLE to do so because of all the other damn deadlines I have throughout the day.  It does not feel as "freeing", nor as "fun", nor as "relaxing" when getting to the shop (in a neighboring town) itself means I have to feel pressure of a) getting enough of my morning deadlines accomplished at the U so that I CAN leave briefly to go to the group, and b) that the guys meet at a SPECIFIC time (while logical) also in these last couple of weeks feels in some ways just like another damn deadline I have to meet.

3.  Mass - I love going to Mass, and it is tremendously important to me.  BUT, in the last couple of weeks, having to meet the timing to get to Mass has been rankling at me.  It feels like another deadline.  And, with the requirement (set by Parish Committee) that volunteers (like I am) have to be at church 20 minutes BEFORE Mass starts (for mumbo-jumbo nonsense).... just adds more pressure that just continually grates at my already frustrated mind.  

So.  I know I need to fix the above.  And by fixing the above, I mean I have to fix ME.  I am going to try my damndest to eek out some time this weekend to figure out at least some ways to get at least SOME of my own time autonomy back.  My life CANNOT continue to simply be jumping through hoop after hoop struggling to go from one task and rushing off to get to the next task and its damnable deadline.... day after day after day.  I cannot just be a robot completing tasks every moment of the day.  It just cannot stay like this.

PipeTobacco

S T R U G G L E

I am not trying to be a "baby" about things, but it is a truly difficult challenge at the moment.  Emotionally, I am reasonably "ok"..... not jovial and joyus.... but "ok".  But it has been a semester that has been SO MUCH MORE BUSY than usual, that I am just trying to keep my head above water.  

So, I apologize about not writing much at the moment.  I keep ANTICIPATING that I will get back to a less frenetic pace, but it seems to not happen.  

There are so many thoughts and emotions I do want to write about as getting them down here helps me to sort through things.  I do hope to free up some time soon.... I am feeling I am wearing out.  This pace is not really sustainable.  Perhaps after the research meeting where I am sending three groups to this weekend occurs, perhaps, PERHAPS then I will feel less like a tired hamster on a perpetually running treadmill that I do not know how to stop.

PipeTobacco

Succinct

 

I regret that this has to be a very brief (succinct) post, but it is all I can do at the moment:

Things are still extraordinarily topsy-turvy in my parts at the moment.  I have many negatives occuring and a few positives, and I am taking a moment during a few minutes of happiness (I just got out of class and had a great teaching experience with the students) to write here (albeit briefly).  I am facing a number of looming deadlines for research presentations. I am dealing with sadness still about the former friend, that I am trying to figure out how to shake, or better yet how to deal with.  I fell yesterday while running and massively scraped myself up (knee is the worst culprit), and am dealing with the pain and discomfort of that (sore as hell, and bandaged up on my leg and arm).  There was a small stone that was embedded in a newly paved road that stuck up about two inches, that I did not notice.... and it was FIRMLY embeded, and my shoe caught on it causing me to tumble. The night before I tripped, I also had a rare, sleepless night, which only complicated and muddied my ability to think.  Luckly, I did NOT hit my face or head this time so that is a positive.  Due to the looming presentation deadlines and my achy body, I did not run this morning (I am rather ashamed at myself about this), but instead have been at the U since 6:00am working on these presentations.  Immediately after writing this, I am going back to the presentations until my next class.  

Rest assured (hopefully, anyhow) I am holding on and hope/pray/believe (have faith) that I may be on the cusp of this rough patch and may crest in a day or two to cascade back into what I deme as "normalcy".  I sure as hell hope so.  

PipeTobacco