Brick House Maduro

 

The cigar I sampled on Wednesday was different than my prior types.  Previously, in the time I have been part of the group, I have tried three different cigars.... one only a single time, one three times, and the rest of the time has been spent with the Perdomo cigar I had found to be pleasant.  

But, I felt a need to TRY a different cigar this past Wednesday.  As I drove to the cigar shoppe I already had plans to try to be "daring" and try something new.  But, the reality is that I have had that aspiration most drives to visit the shoppe, but would simply fall back to the Perdomo as it felt safe and comfortable.  

But, this past Wednesday, I stuck to my resolve.  Actually, that is a fib.  As I walked from my vehicle the block or so to the shop, I had began to vacillate in my conviction to be "experimental" and to try something new.  As I stepped inside, I had already changed my mind and was walking to the cabinet/humidor where the Perdomos resided.  Lo-and-behold..... the Perdomo box was EMPTY.  The last one had been sold.  So, the decision was made FOR ME.

It took me ~20 minutes of hemming-and-hawing to finally select the Brick House Maduro I indulged in.  I had no idea what to expect.  

I was very pleasantly surprised.  It was more pipe tobacco like in its creamier texture.  I found that extremely pleasant.  It sported an easy, comfortable draw which was also nice.  Unlike pipe tobaccos, which have a rich, diverse array of flavors, cigars are significantly more muted and often single noted in terms of flavor.  But, this Brick House Maduro, while still limited in flavors and still muted (like every cigar I have had).... it was a bit broader and I could taste a (muted) cocoa flavor and a (muted) nutty flavor which further added to the enjoyment.  The cigar was a larger gauge than I have had before as well.  It was a 6.25 X 60. 

Overall, I think this will become my cigar of choice when I go to the Retiree's Cigar Group... at least until I find they are out-of-stock, and my hand is forced to select another.  But, it was enjoyable.  I am looking forward to being able to be back with the official group come July too.  That will be even better! 

Still..... it is NOT a pipe.  It is PERHAPS the reason while I do not feel at risk for "falling off the wagon" currently by going to the shoppe.  I am not sure.  If I were to have a pipe, I do think the potential to "fall off the wagon" would be very significant.

PipeTobacco

Exhausted

Like the fellow above, but perhaps more so..... I am just exhausted.  It has been a long week of big voicing, and my body is exhausted, my mind is mushier than oatmeal, and my emotions are fully spent and the emotional turmoil is likely the biggest culprit to my exhaustion.

But, I am done TEACHING for the week, and tomorrow can be a day at my desk and in my research lab.  It will still be a helluva lot of work tomorrow, but at least my voice will not be taxed.  

It has been a lot of years, but still, given the right circumstances, I inadvertently can stumble into my old mindset of.....

"Wow, tomorrow is Friday, and I can mosey over to my father-in-laws have a beer or two and a pipe or two or three and unwind from the week with jovial talk and genial company."

It was such a beautiful routine and I miss that friendship so much with my father-in-law.  When reality rears its ugly head after that quoted thought..... the emotional downturn hurts.

I am going to go home tonight and plant some more herbs (basil, parsley, and mint) and some final flowers to fill our crockery.  HOPEFULLY my wife and will I swim in a bit, and I can plant afterwards.  

I will have to write about my cigar yesterday.  It was a different one, and it was what I would say is the most pleasant one I have indulged in.  But, it is NOT the same as a pipe.  And even though there was one friend there and one new guy who was talkative and nice.... it was NOT the same as talking with my father-in-law nor decades before that, my Dad.

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Wildfires & Running

Unfortunately, I had not been paying attention as carefully as I should have regarding the new Canadian Wildfires.  Apparently, yesterday was a bad air quality day in my area, although it was not particularly hazy appearing.  This morning, the haze was far more pronounced and I checked and found that today is also a very poor day atmospherically.  So, I did not run outside in the early morning as was my plan.  I am hoping/planning to run on the indoor track at the U in the early afternoon.  Even though it is not FUN to run on the indoor track (and I do this already during the Winter), it should be a better choice for today.  The "THEORY" is that the air conditioning and other aspects of filtration that occur as part of the overall HVAC system will make the INDOOR air less problematic than the outside air.  I am not sure I actually believe this, but I am going to accept it as HOPEFULLY true so that I should run indoors today.

I made an Indian inspired dish in our crockpot this morning.  It is somewhat akin to Chana masala and is chickpea based, but I also add fruit and tomato (technically also a fruit) purees into the mix to add moisture, flavor, and a bit of texture instead of oil.  With the curry spice blend I use, it should be very tasty.  My wife and I will have it over rice and topped with a small scattering of peanuts and raisins for dinner.  I will also have some sort of vegetable (perhaps oven roasted Brussels sprouts) and my typical gigantic salad that is bigger than my head..... made in my daily use, deep dish, 8X8 cake pan filled to the brim.

I am aiming to head to the Cigar Shoppe late this Wednesday afternoon.  Hopefully a friend or two may be there.  Only a few more weeks and I can go back to the official Retiree's Cigar Group on THURSDAYS so I can see everyone!  I have a book I am reading that I will bring with me in case none of my friends are about today.  I am also considering packing a pipe and pouch with me and my possibly indulge in that instead if I am alone and reading.  I am not sure IF I will take a pipe and pouch, though, as I feel pretty confident I can be more measured with a cigar and not have to worry.  I do think/worry that if I were to indulge in the much more delightful, much more longed for pipe instead.... I still am not sure I would maintain my resolve of this once a week event.  A cigar is just a cigar, but a pipe is so much more.... so I am not sure I want to risk being on the precipice of a slippery slope like that.... well, not that I wouldn't WANT TO.... but I am not sure I would want to struggle to maintain the goal of this weekly indulgence after tasting a pipe again. 

The book is "Hidden Valley Road" and it is an interesting biographical work about a family that had numerous children that developed schizophrenia.  The book goes through their family history and how progressively various children developed symptoms.  Researchers have been able to isolate potential genes in the family that appear to be influencing the development of schizophrenia.  Although horribly tragic for the family, their willingness to allow genetic testing has dramatically helped in the research struggle to identify factors related to the development of this horrific neurological disorder.  

There is a one day, mini Jazz Festival today in the nearby downtown.  If it is not too excessively rainy (rain is projected) my wife and I plan to go mosey about hearing music.  

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Mind Numbing, But Voice Saving

Today my students are experiencing their first laboratory practical exam of the course.  They have been nervous wrecks for the last several days in anticipation.  If you have not taken a laboratory practical exam,  it is set out in an immense space where I have 25 different stations.  Each station has four questions, and each station also has some array of body parts, models, tissues, histology slides on microscopes, etc.  Students come into the space and sit at a station.  They have two minutes to answer the four questions, and then en masse everyone in the room gets up and moves to the next station in numerical order.  They then get two minutes to answer the new four questions in front of them.  This continues until each student has had their two minutes at each of the 25 stations.  100 points total for the exam..... each blank on the 100 question exam they write the correct structure/part/tissue etc... they earn a point. If they leave a blank or put an incorrect answer..... no points.  With perhaps ~750 anatomical structures and parts covered thus far in the semester that they are expected to know/learn.... they have a lot of answers that should be within their mind.  

I will begin grading them tomorrow to see how they performed.  It is tedious grading.

I like laboratory practical exam days because my role is simply that of a sentinel (to discourage cheating) and as a timer....... in other words.... on this laboratory practical exam day, I only have big-voice lecture for 3.5 hours instead of 9.5.  But, in some ways it is mind-numbing to be a sentinel and timer.  

I remember long ago as an undergraduate when I experienced one of my own, first laboratory practical exams.  I remember my jolly professor doing the same thing as me, but he was able to smoke his pipe during the administration of the laboratory practical exam.  I remember the aroma was pleasant and oddly comforting during the exam.  

Sadly, of course, that would not be permitted today.  Although, until I set aside my own beloved pipes, I would smoke them in my research laboratory and my offices.  I still have pipes and tobaccos in both  locations.  

PipeTobacco

Phones

 As you may recall, I have a tendency to be somewhat "grumbly" about electronic gizmos. While I can admit there are SOME benefits of various electronic gizmos.... I very OFTEN feel they are unneeded, unwanted, warden-like "task-masters" and control too much of modern life.  

Well, not because I wanted to..... I now have a new phone.  I am getting used to the contraption today.  It is a current iPhone (16 Pro).  It is replacing the iPhone 10 I had previously.  The impetus for the change was because my wife (who is MUCH MORE gizmo friendly than me) broke her iPhone 10.  And, she NEEDED a new phone.  Cost-wise there was no difference between replacing her phone and replacing both our phones.... so as to keep us within the same technology realm, I ended up getting a new gizmo too.  Somehow, ALSO as part of the deal, we EACH now ADDITIONALLY have received an iPad.... and our phone bill is ~$30 lower a month to boot.  Even though I suspect there is some inevitable "swindly" aspect to these upgrades.... I have purposefully worked with my mind to "let it go" and just accept this is what we have adopted/adapted to now.  Yesterday, when we acquired all these new beasts, I begged my wife to please allow us a few day reprieve before we have to unbox and figure out how to set up and deal with the iPads.  My mind was already over-saturated with gizmo overload.  I am hoping to postpone the "unboxing" of those new iPad gizmos until hopefully Saturday, at least... so I can recover from the current headaches first.  Neither of us have ever had an iPad. 

Today, I am scrambling around to various U locations to have folks help me get my damnable "authentication" paradigm up to snuff on the new gizmo phone.  Perhaps about 5-6 years ago now, our U adopted a mandatory multi-point authentication system for accessing any aspect of a U electronic gizmo or even accessing the U Internet portal by ANY gizmo.  SUPPOSEDLY this is done to "assure" our electronic safety, but I tend towards thinking that is pure balderdash and it is for some sort of U legalese designed to absolve them of anything for anything as per usual.  

So, I am getting the new phone gizmo setup.  Last night, my focus was on making sure I could pair my new gizmo phone with my "ancient" (in the eyes of my son who donated it to me many long, long years ago as it was too "clunky" for his "needs) gizmo watch so I could have it record mileage and heartrate on my run this morning.  I also had to pair my gizmo phone to my gizmo headphones since iPhone still refuses to bring back a nice, normal headphone jack to their phone gizmos.  

I ran a pleasant 8.3 (~13.3 km) miles this morning. 

I am hoping to get a haircut and beard and mustache trim early this afternoon.  I am looking rather wooly-booly at the moment.... as is our dog.... and I took her into her groomer this morning on my way to the U so she too can get trimmed (and bathed.... fortunately, the haircut place does not bathe me).  We will both look trimmed up and tidy.... though I did remind and request from the groomer that (as usual) she will please keep our dog's beard and mustache still big and fluffy (they cut her fur down one time... so her snout made her look like a mouse, so I remind/mention the request every time since that incident 7-8 years ago).  With my beard and mustache gently smoothed out just a bit, but keeping it big as well, we will continue to be a matching set. :)

During my run this morning, my mind was not well focused.  I kept alternating between four things..... a) I worked hard to focus on praying the roasary, which I was fortunate to complete a full five decades by the time my run was finished, b) thoughts about this Wednesday's foray to the Cigar Shoppe, and my looking forward to it, c) thoughts about a favorite Peterson pipe I stumbled across on Saturday in my desk drawer at home and how it enticed me, and d) about one of my kids who is starting a new graduate program and her search for an apartment in that city.

PipeTobacco  

As Per Usual

 

As per usual, when I miss multiple days of posting, something has usually gone amiss.  I really do not have the physical nor emotional energy to try to explain what has been afoot.  So, for this time, I will simply leave it lay and try to ignore and move on.

Today, I will attempt to answer a few recent comments:

Pat stated (two segments quoted):

"your comments about trust and discussion are fine and laudable, but aren't you omitting (or perhaps just taking for granted or otherwise assuming) a vital preliminary step? If there has been a breach, pushing for an unwanted discussion will only increase the breach. And until there is mutual empathy between you and the person with whom you seek discussion, any "discussion" will be more like two monologues rather than a true discussion."  and then a second part quoted  "If you vulnerably share how YOU are thinking and feeling, that shouldn't put the other person on the defensive, as it's your self-disclosure, not a judgment on them. Then, once you have let the other person know what YOU are thinking and feeling, you should be able to leave it to them to choose any further discussion. If there's mutual empathy, rather than one party desiring to "win" an argument, discussion will flow naturally from that"

The quoted parts were both EXTREMELY valuable and helpful to me.  I do attempt to carefully focus on what my feelings are as opposed to saying things akin to "What YOU did, hurt me."  That idea was something that took A LOT of effort initially when I figured that aspect out several years ago.  But, the idea of leaving it to them for any further discussion as a reflection of mutual empathy..... that is NOT something I had ever thought of.  In my own childhood, it was always EXPECTED that anytime someone felt hurt, the folks around WOULD talk it through and would discuss it until there was a resolution.  I had always thought of that as NORMAL, but with your statement above about "if there is mutual empathy" really struck a chord with me.  It DOES seem that ASSUMED empathy is NOT TO BE ASSUMED.  And, as stupid as it may seem, that is a bit of a revelation for me.  I thank you.

 

AnvilClound stated:

"You think and feel pretty deeply, I think."

Yeah, I guess I am realizing that I do.  And, in many ways it feels like a handicap of sorts.  

 

Margaret stated:

(an excerpt) "...we also need to protect ourselves and our feelings. It's been hard for me over the years to write people off..."  

I think I am similar in that way.  Part of me feels I would be better off being MORE protective and also more readily able to write some folks off.  But, in the same breath, then I experience emotions related to feeling isolated and abandoned (even if I am the one doing it).  It is hard to reason through.

 

Liz Hinds stated:

"Even if all seems well I think one will always hold back a little, just in case."

 I agree with this statement too, and I believe I do that... but being so guarded also in some ways feels so taxing of the limited energy I have.  

 

PipeTobacco 

Trust

 

I do not know where I fall along the continuum about this issue, but I have been thinking some about my feelings/responses related to trust.  In my current manner of thinking, trust can occur in two different ways..... 1) trust can be HAD between people who have some sort of commitment/bond with each other....like with a husband & wife, or a parent & child, or friend-to-friend, etc.  The other type of trust.... 2) is more akin to a form of "faith" that you can have between folks with more limited relationships.... like perhaps between coworker acquaintances, or between you and a service provider individual (like a cashier you see often, or you with your clinician, or similar such interactions). Both types are very important, and often times there can be overlap between the two in terms of the relationships as well.  

I was thinking about trust, as I was (for better or worse) ruminating on some of the relationships I have had that have in some fashion, "gone sour".  And, what I ended up realizing is that in each of those relationships that have "gone sour" what I experienced is a LOSS of feeling that I could TRUST the individual.  

But, then I (again for better or worse) further examined my thoughts and memories on these sour relationships.  And, I realized more fully in my mind that (of course) all relationships CAN potentially involve one or more situations where trust may be breached in some fashion.  BUT.... and this was the key thing I recognized in myself and recognized in regards to my own psyche..... the "sourness" I would feel only would EXIST and PERSIST in my mind.... when the breach of trust WAS NOT associated with some sort of discussion of the issue with the person leading to a recognition of and an apology for the breach of trust.  In cases where this sort of discussion has occurred, the "sourness" would almost immediately dissipate.  

So..... what does that mean?  For me, the above helps me better understand the relationships I have had that have "soured".  In the ones I can bring to mind, each HAD involved a breach of TRUST for me that then never resulted in any sort of discussion nor resolution.  The former very good friend at work that I have spoken of represents a perfect example of my feelings of loss of trust.  Also the acquaintance level co-worker that I have spoken of is another perfect example of this loss of trust.  And, regrettably, the sour relationship (currently more of a minimal, surface level relationship) I have with the one kid I do not talk about here any longer.... is also sour because of the unresolved breach of trust.  

And, what does that mean for ME?  The realization of what I wrote in the above for me..... seems rather meaningful.  I think this commonality I see in these sour relationships..... the LACK OF TRUST I feel in these individuals along with the the LACK OF DISCUSSION for apology or resolution.... has me thinking about my responses.  

Trust is a very important/critical issue for me.  I realize that in my psychological makeup that if trust is lost and never resolved.....I am quite fearful/gun-shy to let that person back into my life.  I am often to a point of trying my best to avoid that person.  I do not really know if that is a good thing to do.... but I DO KNOW it is what I typically DO in that sort of situation.  

Another facet of the trust issue I realize about in those sour cases, is that in EACH case, I have TRIED on multiple occasions and in a variety of different ways.... to FOSTER a discussion about the issue after it occurred.  And, this would not be just in the heat of the moment, but in each case I can think of, at other times as well for a fairly good time frame following the event (usually over the course of a few weeks).  The avoidance or unwillingness or outright refusal to discuss the situation further would after some time become a tipping point for me, and I would then feel the hardened sense of loss of trust that then has persisted in these relationships.  

I am not sure what my goal is in spelling all this out today.  Perhaps the above is something others find awfully obvious.  But, seeing those associations across the sour relationships I have experienced was rather revealing to me.  It gives me pause, and I am trying to reason through in my mind if a) this is a normal, perhaps good, protective mechanism for me to have, b) perhaps could I be too rigid in my expectations of trust and/or apology/resolution and I need to change/adapt, or c) have I figured out a way to now understand these sour relationships in a way that allows me to more easily "put them aside"?  

I do not know.

*****

The travel to the Cigar Shoppe on Wednesday was very nice.  Only one friend was there when I arrived..... it was Frank.  So, even though I did have a pipe and pouch with me, I instead indulged in a cigar while talking with Frank.  I cannot fully explain how transitional and wonderful going to the Cigar Shoppe to meet up with a friend or friends is to me.  Just like every other time I have gone (other than the very early times where I was worried about whether I would "fit in" with the group).... I usually arrive with a lot of feelings of weight of work on my shoulders.... even if it has been a great workday.  But, inevitably, by the time I leave the Shoppe 2-3 hours later.... I feel so peaceful and relaxed..... and it inevitably feels that life has fallen back into proper order.  I feel happy.  

* * * * *

• Running has been progressing well.  
• I am keeping on track so far with my Summer course.  I am actually a whole chapter ahead of my usual pace (I have been trying to be ahead purposefully, to not have the worries about hitting the typical target points for exams..... it gives me a bit of breathing room).
• I may potentially be going to travel to Puerto Rico to present some of my research findings at a conference.  I have never been to that island before, and the potential of being able to go there is pretty exciting for me!  I have always envisioned it to be an exotic, fascinating place to visit.  I hope that I am able to go.  
• In the pocket of my jacket that I wore to the Cigar Shoppe, I had a beautiful, extra-large bowled, full-bent Dr. Grabow pipe that has always been a long standing favorite of mine because it always functioned perfectly every bowlful.  And, I had my pouch filled with gentle crumbles of cube-cut Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco.  The non-aromatic, cube-cut Sir Walter Raleigh is always a beautiful smoking tobacco, and it has just a hint of bourbon that is added to the recipe for a tiny hint of flavor. I would really have enjoyed the pipe and those delightful flavors.  

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