Long Time Gone

I am feeling rather "out of sync" in many ways.  Perhaps it is a sign of being old.  Perhaps it is a sign of not always being "gun-ho" and "accepting" of everything changing all the damn time.  Perhaps it is just the exhaustion of my body as I try to continue to teach while having laryngitis.  I do not know. But here are some thoughts I have been having:

• My title to this post was based upon my feeling lost in the modern day in many ways.  Things seem too chaotic, too mindlessly frenetic.  I feel old.  While sleeping a lot this past weekend, I alternated between listing to classical music on NPR, jazz music on NPR, and listening to my C, S, N, & Y channel on Pandora.  The song, Long Time Gone by C, S, & N (no Y) spoke to me. 
• Halloween is quickly approaching.  I do not really like Halloween anymore.  For me, the Halloween demeanor has gotten too grotesque and morbid.  I do not enjoy the gore, the extreme and realistic imagery of blood & guts, or of zombies, or even the morbid, very realistic skeletons etc.  It feels, I do not know.... perhaps disrespectful is the best word I can think of.  Disrespectful to the dead, disrespectful to life.  I do not really understand what I am feeling.  I just know that it feels too much.
• When I was young, Halloween seemed more FESTIVE and not so sinister.  Of course there were "ghosts" but they were rather silly and cute. There were jack-o-lanterns, and black cats, and candy.  Kids dressed as all sorts of things.... cowboys, princesses, super heros, etc.  I do not really remember anyone who had a truly gory costume.  

No longer popular, too, is much of the candy I remember as a kid.  It is not often I see the old staples of "Boston Baked Beans" or "Burnt Peanuts" nor "Zero" candy bars or "Mallocups" or "Necos".  Fortunately, every once in a while I can stumble across one or more of the above, usually in a dusty corner of a dollar store, and it brings back a flood of memories.  The one candy I remember being so common as a candy when I was young was the "Bun" like shown above.  I especially liked getting a Maple one, but was also happy with the vanilla.  It was always a wonderfully sweet treat.  The above candies were ESPECIALLY fun as they differed from the norm (aka Hershey's Snickers, etc).... but they also were unique and tasty and profoundly abundant at Halloween.  

PipeTobacco

Laid Out Flat

 

I so desire communication here, so I am writing.  But I have basically been "laid out flat" since Friday.

Briefly:

• Thursday at the Retiree's Cigar Group was "nice" but I did not get the full relaxation and enjoyment from the afternoon because I was feeling keyed up because my usual Friday is that it is an unstructured day where I can do a helluva lot of writing, grading, and preparing of things for the next week.  But, last Friday I was (very unfortunately) committed to attend an all-damn-day, "educationese" conference at the U.  At the Retiree's Cigar Group, instead of relaxing and enjoying, a sizable chunk of my mind kept whirring on about how to try to get all the sh*t I needed to get done on Friday... done.  
• I worked diligently on my computer Thursday night (again instead of relaxing) to try to get some things done for the next week.  I finally went to bed ~2:00am.
• I ran OUTSIDE to get running earlier than the indoor track would open so I could get to the U earlier than usual so I could spend time in the lab before the damnable "educationese" nonsense started.
• I skipped out of both the "breakfast" meal and the "lunch" meal at the "educationaese" nonsense so I could rush back to my building and talk and work briefly with my research students
• But, I never got caught up.
• My wife and I had a late afternoon appointment to get our flu and covid vaccines.  We did this.
• And.... as in other years, I ended up being LAID OUT FLAT by the vaccines.  I experienced chills/sweats, strong body-wide joint aches, muscle fatigue, a headache, and lots of mucous..... and the symptoms felt stronger than other years, perhaps due to changes to the vaccine.
• I did not move from the bed, other than to go to the bathroom, all day Saturday.
• By Sunday afternoon, I had symptoms lessen somewhat, so I thought all things would be fine and back up to snuff on Monday.... but no, I also started to lose my voice Sunday afternoon.
• I have had laryngitis both Monday and Today (Tuesday).  Monday I powered through as best as I could.... but that probably made the outcome today, where I can barely talk in any regard.  A professor who cannot talk feels awfully damn useless.

I am still feeling awfully behind.  I got a scientific poster one of my researchers is going to present at a conference this weekend.... to the U's graphics center later than I should have because of the crap on Friday.... so I am also nervous if they will be able to get the damn thing printed in time for the student to head out of state. 

I just want to sleep, and I want to sleep to get well. But too many things are pulling at me. I am utterly exhausted.

PipeTobacco

Do Not

I am trying to scribble these thoughts down before I head to class:

Do not get me wrong.... I greatly, greatly appreciate, enjoy, and relish going to the Retiree's Cigar Group. It is the one especially peaceful, quieting (mentally), yet raucous (filled with joking and laughter) thing I get to do each week.  I look forward to it every week.  I look forward to going tomorrow!  

But.... it is NOT a pipe.

But.... also do not get me wrong..... I enjoy indulging in a cigar at the Retiree's Cigar Group. It is fun.  The cigar does add to the peaceful, quieting, yet invigorating feelings of the event.

But... it is NOT a pipe.

I do not "crave" a cigar. I have never actually “craved” having a cigar.

I DO crave my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  Every day.  Every day,  I still have a longing to have one.  Every day.

It does undulate some.  That was the whole purpose of my PCS my "pipe craving score" that I had done relatively faithfully for a spell.  With the "zero" to "ten" scale, I can say I do not believe I have ever reported or felt a ZERO.  Never.  

This week the PCS has screeched upward with a tremendously sharp incline. Whether it is the Fall temperatures reminding me of the beauty of the many pipe tobaccos in my various stashes, or perhaps a neural circuit was fired as a suggestion of how to cope from this weekend's hardships, or perhaps the melancholy of my thoughts of my dog have re-ushered into my memories how for so many YEARS it had been my norm to sit out there on the back porch with her, my pipe in hand as I observed the day.   

Regardless.... the desire, the yearning, the "craving" now is damn near a PCS of 10.  I would say it is at 9.5.  

A pipe is a pipe and is not a cigar.

I do not UNDERSTAND the difference.  BUT, it is real, it is true.  I have KNOWLEDGE of the difference.  But, no understanding.

PipeTobacco

 

Melancholy

 

I am feeling rather melancholy today.  I woke up that way. It has made me feel rather "fragile" emotionally.

It was only 30 degrees F ( -1 degree C) outside, and I did not want to bundle up, so I decided to go to the indoor track to do hamster loops this morning.  I had quite a bit of worry at the track, for I was imagining tripping and falling while running.  I did persevere and did the full 10 miles (~16 km) like usual, but I was especially diligently focusing on making sure I ran with very consciously picking up my feet fully and NOT letting my toes "dip" in any way.  Most of the times I have tripped previously have been when I caught the toe of my shoe on a rock or obstruction or something similar.

While running, I did pray the rosary and listened to Mass Music.  One of my favorite Mass Hymns came up in two different versions on my Pandora today.  The song is Marty Haugen's "Shepherd Me O God"

Shepherd Me O God (Haugen)

This song always has me re-realize how I so much need to move beyond my own selfishness and be so much more the servant I am meant to be.  

Another thing that has me feeling quite a bit of melancholy this morning, was while taking my dog out to allow her to eat breakfast and also complete her morning constitutional (go to the bathroom).  

Our dog is used to eating her main dog food meals OUTSIDE and has done so her whole life, as long, long ago I had read of this being part of a technique to more successfully potty train a puppy.   The basic idea was to give the puppy its food outside nearby (NOT IN)  the place where the puppy would also be desired to "go potty".  So, for her whole life, she has eaten her food with me sitting beside her on the back porch at her breakfast and at her dinner, and then she could go meander off (on her string) into the backyard to accomplish her bathroom needs.  She has a string (cable) attached to her collar because (especially in the early morning and the evening (which are her feeding times), we often have many wild creatures meander through our yard..... many opossum, deer, skunks, woodchucks, and even a fox on a few occasions.  She (like most dogs, or at least most dogs I have had in my lifetime), will spy the "intruder" and chase after it like a bat-out-of hell barking cacophonously.  But, the string (cable) prevents her from reaching the "intruder" who is inevitably near the fence of our yard.  Our dog is a bit odd though.... most dogs want to be aggressive and chase the intruder away.  Our dog instead...... goes absolutely frenetic because she is EXCITED and presuming the creature to be a new friend.  As she runs out on her string to the "invader" her tail is wagging so furiously that it seems she would wiggle out of her skin, she is so happy and excited... and barking.   

So, why have I been melancholy?  It is because I was thinking again about how my beloved dog is now 13 years old.  I had actually thought she might be older, but I found her initial papers from her first visit to our Veterinarian.  But, 13 is quite old for most dogs, including my beloved Wheaton terrier.   I recognize my time with her is limited, and when I think of how soon that "limited" may become "none", it makes me incredibly sad.  Even just writing about it now is bringing tears to my eyes.  I mean, she is still a vibrant, 34 pounds of fluff, energy, and enthusiasm, but I unfortunately know the reality of her age.  I have had nightmares of finding her in the morning....  having passed while sleeping on our bed with us. I have had nightmares where she suddenly begins to howl in pain and agony, and in the nightmare as I am rushing her as fast as I can in my truck to the vet... I am sobbing in agony as I just "know" there will be nothing that can be done and the vet will recommend she be "put down".  

PipeTobacco

Amazon Cloud; Pins & Needles

 

Part A:

Professors across the U are in chaos! 

The global "Amazon Cloud" debacle has wreaked havoc for many today at the U.  Our school's designated LMS (Learning Management System..... aka the "gizmo, electronic classroom") is inextricably tied by some linkages to the Amazon Cloud even though it is NOT an Amazon product.  Many professors across the U have ALL of their classroom paraphernalia electronically embedded into this LMS and cannot access a damn thing.  

And, a sizable chunk of the profs have their paraphernalia ONLY within the LMS.  They are "sh*t-outta-luck" and have cancelled many classes.  I too have my paraphernalia on my LMS.... but being the old-school curmudgeonly pack-rat that I am....  I was able to scramble around this morning and found a couple of tucked away flash drives that had copies of my PowerPoints on them.  So, I was good-to-go in my typical fashion.

In one lecture, I talked about the growth and development of the dentition pattern of we humans, and then I compared and contrasted our omnivorous dentition pattern with that of classic herbivore dentition patterns and carnivore dentition patterns eventually leading to a discussion of the development of the structure of teeth broadly, but then with a fun added focus of describing the rather unique rodent dentition pattern where they have perpetually growing incisor teeth through their lives due to specializations of their ameloblast cells.  

Part B:

Today feels so much more peaceful and "normal" (whatever the hell that may be) than the last several days.  October is a challenging month because there are a MULTITUDE of own nuclear family, other close family, and friends who have birthdays in this month.  From a technical standpoint of human gestation, this suggests strongly a logical and sizable upsurge in practitioners of complete reproductive physiology between New Year's Day and Valentine's Day.

My wife relishes hosting these birthday celebrations.  So, we did.

The celebrations include the intermingling of ALL SORTS OF FOLKS, who I normally get along with fine.... INDIVIDUALLY.  But, in the cadre of folks, there are points of long-standing rancor and contention so the worry of the potential of one or more of these folks stepping back into a rancorous encounter is always an undercurrent of MY emotions.  And, also, being family, the person I no longer write about here was also present in an extended fashion.  That ratched up my stress levels as well.  This person was provided guidance by me and my wife of requested decorum.  This person ended up following said guidance at roughly the ~70% level.  70% was NOT where I wanted it to be.  But, it was better than I feared it would be.  Still, living through the long array of "festivities" across Saturday was NOT in any way "relaxing" for me, as every moment was spent feeling uncomfortable and also fearing of the seemingly endless number of potential tornados that could erupt amongst the participants.  

It was not until late in the midafternoon on Sunday that the person I no longer write about left.  By that time, I was so exhausted from the mixture of stresses from the festivities day plus anger, resentment, frustration,, and worry that I had bubble up like a prematurely opened pressure cooker in me most of the time from Friday through the departure Sunday midafternoon.... I was not particularly functional Sunday evening.  

I would have liked a nice, stiff drink.  But, that is not really a good option the evening before a school day, and as my wife is pretty much a tee-totaler, drinking alone is dull.  

PipeTobacco

Playing "Hookey"

My wife and I went to see an afternoon movie yesterday.  In some mild fashion, I was "playing hookey" to a degree.  My normal work pattern on Tuesday afternoons is to do a whole helluva lot of computer work for my classes, and to also try to fit in some time with my creatures as well.  But, as I was reasonably caught up on most things and I could shift my needed work to later in the day.... that is what I did.  

Our region has lately become a veritable desert regarding interesting films.  Damn near all the films that are playing at the nearby cineplexes are mostly horror films, comic book films, or anime.  It is rather discouraging.  So, when an actual film that was about people, and was also devoid of CGI nonsense..... it captured our interest.  The film was NOT an Oscar contender with deep philosophical insights.... but beggars cannot be choosers.... and it met the criteria of NOT being a horror film, NOT being a comic book film, NOT being a chaotic CGI-riddled fantasy film, and it WAS about semi-realistic people.  We went to see a film called "Roofman" which was what could be called a "docu-drama".  It was about a true life story (fictionalized with actors) of a fellow who at a psychological level had some form of an impulse control disorder.... but it was never specified as such.... only that he did some actions out of desperation that typically folks would not do.  But, conversely he was also very smart, and hyper aware of his environment, and could easily problem-solve various situations quite readily.  

Basically the story was about how he lost his wife and family due to his impulse control challenges (he could not keep a traditional job, yet he would constantly want to be overspending) and his way to "fix" the situation was to begin to "kindly" and "carefully" without hurting people..... rob fast food restaurants by stealthily cutting holes in their roof, and hiding out inside until an early crew arrived in the morning on the day the profits of the restaurant were to be taken out of the mechanized safe to be shipped to the bank.  He eventually was caught (not from his method, but from his act of kindness to one of the early crew members on one robbery).  He was sentenced to a very long prison term, but with his powers of observation, devised a way to escape, and started a similar situation as with the fast food resturaunts.... but this time he lived in a "Toys-R-Us" for what turned out to be several months, to avoid detection before he could devise a way to escape to an unidentified country that would not extradite him back to the U.S.  

The above is as much of a synopsis as I can briefly give, and I do not give away the ending of the story either, in case you decide to see this film.  

The film was quite interesting from a psychological perspective, and was also interesting as an emotional drama.  I am glad my wife and I were able to do this.  We had not caught an afternoon movie like this in a few years now.  It always feels rather fun to be able to "steal away" with each other for an unexpected,  kind of "bonus date" with her.  

After the film, I went back to the U and worked on the things I would have otherwise done in the early afternoon.... before heading home for the evening.  

* * * * *

I have ran my 10 miles each day OUTSIDE this week so far, and it has been nice.  Temperatures in the early morning were a relatively "balmy" 45-48 degrees F (~7-9 degrees C) each morning so I could run in shorts and a sweatshirt and gloves with relative comfort.  Outside, weather permitting, is always more enjoyable than hamster loops.  

* * * * * 

Even though I am not overly fond of my "gizmo" phone.... I have unfortunately/fortunately (a somewhat double-edged sword) found it fun and enjoyable to have bookmarked in my phone's web browser a few different well stocked pipe stores where they have absolutely beautiful images of the various pipes they are selling.  When I have a few moments waiting in line, or having to wait for someone, I find myself scrolling through the beautiful images.  I have resisted becoming overly enamored with my damn phone, but now I sadly/happily (double edged sword again) reach for it often just to look at the beautiful images.  I am mildly frustrated at myself for falling into this rabbit hole of sorts... and I may have to eventually take some sort of action to try to curtail it.  But, right now I am enjoying the scrolling through pipe images.

* * * * *

 This evening is TACO WEDNESDAY!!!!  I am already eagerly awaiting making the beyond large sized taco salad that is bigger than my head, my two overstuffed burritos, and my two piled high tostadas!  A veritable feast!

PipeTobacco

Comments on Comments 10/13

 

Comments to recent comments received:

AC

You seemed to do very well with the preps and all. I can't wrap worth a ding dang darn. Gift bags were a wonderful thing when they came along.

Even though I do not care a fig about wrapping and things for myself, and really, neither does my wife.... I feel a NEED to make her gifts as beautiful as I can. I started this as a poor graduate student where I tried to wrap all the gifts I gave to friends and family as beautifully as I could to try to compensate for the humbleness of the gift.

Uni food must be very different than it was in my ancient days.

These days, U food is quite delicious and diverse!  Students are more persnickety than in our day.  The typical U cafeteria has to cater to a whole range of whims and dietary trends.  It actually is IMO more fun than going to most restaurants as there is more diversity.  

I understand about old objects. My friend has a version of the camera that my mother had back then. It was the first that I used. I have hinted that I would like it, but he has not taken the bait.

I agree completely.  I have one of my father's cameras from the early 1950s and treasure it. I also have a fun, albeit clunky USSR era SLR that I think is fun to display too. 

If you are going to dream about ill health, you might as well go whole hog.

The dream was terrifying in all regards, and yet each of the illnesses was something I had worried about at one time or another recently.  The dream mish-mashed them all together.

Impressive. You completed all of those tasks and then found time to complete one more — to write about it. You must be able to churn out the words efficiently.

When I put my mind to it, I can "speed write" as I am good at typing (these days, it is supposed to be called "keyboarding" I suppose....but I still say "typing').  When I speed type, however, I cannot always vouch for my grammar or spelling.  So, that is a worry. 

Linda's Relaxing Lair

That old clock is gorgeous.

It is.  I remember watching in anticipation many, many different times as a little kid of 3 or 4 when it would draw close to an "o'clock" time where the bird would pop out.  I would get so very excited.  I am trying to find a duplicate.

I dream almost every night. I will be 69 on October 27th. I remember my dreams when I awaken, some are good some not so good.

I believe I DO dream every night.  But, I only sporadically recall my dreams.  

I wish you good health and happiness.

Thank you so much!!!!  

Margaret

I'm very impressed with the efforts you make to give your wife a festive birthday. I too love cards but I haven't impressed that enough on my family (or John). I can easily forgo gifts and balloons but I love cards or notes and enjoy CAKE.

CAKE is my go to for certain!  I mostly would love as my gifts… the unattainable gift of extra time with my wife.  Life is too damn busy these days, and I do not know how to get off the whirlwind ride without getting hurt by the departure.

Escaping the U.S. Is tempting! I don't know about Poland though. I have friends who live in the U.K., Spain and France and could see myself in any of those places. But I would never leave my family and friends, so that's a problem. :) I too love tapas style meals; I enjoy trying a wide variety of dishes so small servings are the way to go.

I daydream about all sorts of different places to live.  I do love where I live now.... other than I am so much less fond of winter than I used to be.  I presume it is due to age and perhaps also a remnant of becoming a normal BMI.  I feel cold much of the time even in the Summer, I sometimes feel cold.

I would love your Taco Wednesdays! Taco salad is a favorite of mine. Are cigar smokers anti-pipe? It doesn't seem like they would be, especially given the circumstances.

Taco days are always a joy because I make them so healthy.... and LARGE that it feels wonderfully filling and has damn near no fat at all the way I make things.... so no "guilt" either for me in terms of being rather "gluttonous" on those days.  No, the cigar fellows are not anti-pipe, and several of them have occasionally smoked a pipe over the years, they have told me .  But never so fat at the RCG.  But, I also have an innate need to "fit in" so, doing something "out of the ordinary" ESPECIALLY in a group setting..... is not typically enjoyable to me.  And, since the major goal of being at the Retiree's Cigar Group is to RELAX and to have fun with my new friends there.... I do that most readily by following the group dynamic.... a cigar.

It's hard to shake off emotions from our vivid or disturbing dreams, even if we don't remember them that well. I hope you enjoy the Cigar Group and get a chance to swim. Also, get some REST! You push yourself very hard, my friend.

I do feel ALL WEEK LONG that I need more rest.  Yet, on the weekend when I can "splurge" and awaken whenever I feel like it, I typically only sleep until 6:30am, and then I want to get up.  I do not think I push MYSELF, but more that I am BEING pushed into getting all this done.  It is hard to explain.... I will have to think more about that.

Tasks versus experiences describes the grind too well. It does seem like every day/week has a list of stressful things to get done. It doesn't feel joyful or rewarding.

Exactly!  A task.... feels like being PUT UPON.  An experience does not.  I have been thinking a bit since writing that last week if PERHAPS there might be away I could "trick" my mind into viewing these tasks as actual "experiences".  It may likely only be a pipe dream, but I have been trying to think through if I could somehow do that.

Pat

One of the tasks you mention is:

Wrote a draft of a presentation for a talk that is going to be ultimately given by a young undergraduate of mine next week.

Could you elaborate a bit on this? Are students no longer expected to do and to present their own work? I can't imagine any of my professors giving me drafts for any talks I was expected to present. 

I guess, in some ways I misspoke.... or perhaps truncated what I meant is more accurate.  

With the UNDERGRADUATE students I do research with (a completely different story with graduate students), when one of these students reaches the level of data collecting success where they can be a presenter of a research talk at one of the smaller meetings...... I always give them a sample copy of a prior talk given on some relatively close research from our past as a "template" and tell them to build me one of their work.

But, what I typically get back from a FIRST TIME undergraduate trying to put together a talk is (not trying to be mean) rather atrocious.  When they get their effort to me, I end up ultimately doing TWO things..... a) doing a critique of their talk pointing out many areas for improvement, and b) more 
"behind the scenes" I typically correct and write out a decent version of their talk.  This is what I did last Friday.  Sometimes it is very time consuming.... having to fix Excel files (which I hate anyway) to conform to more uniformity in graphs), having to rewrite titles and figure headings to conform to standard practice rather than vernacular, and adding and subtracting details that are redundant or spurious (depending on the situation).  When they eventually get me their "corrected" version from my critique, it is often 60-70% better than the original, and so I take the decent version I wrote, and when needed, insert my versions of a paragraph or slide or etc next to theirs.... when needed into their newer draft they submitted to me.  Then as they practice their presentation, ultimately it is their choice which version to use and which is "better" and when they practice in front of me, I ask them to explain the "whys" of whatever choice they made.  

The above is rather long and drawn out..... but is a better representation of what I do overall.  But, my clean rewrite that I provide to them to contrast things I still think they have that are weak is a way for them to compare and contrast and grow.   I ONLY do this though, for the first time, brand-new undergraduate presenter. It tends to be the best way I have found for the undergraduate to grow wise enough to SEE how a research talk should be. If they stick around to present additional, future research with me, they are then a helluva lot better from what they learned in this first experience and do not need the same level of hand holding.  

PipeTobacco