One Positive - 21.5

 

I have to say that this weekend, I did get one happy bit of news.... my wife and I weigh ourselves each Sunday morning before breakfast and have done this for well over 20 years now at least.  

Well, I recall sometime back I wrote about how I was dismayed that I had gained roughly 7-8 pounds over what I consider my "ideal" and had it been nagging at me.  I can now say that I am once again set in the dead center of the Body Mass Index (BMI) for my height.  I have lost ~7 pounds.  My BMI is a 21.5 (dead center of the "normal" range).  I weight 165 pounds now (~75kg; ~11.75 stone).  So, I am happy about that.  Even with the 7-8 extra pounds I had been wearing, I was still in the "normal" range... but I was inching into the mid-upper portion of the "normal" range.

However, I tend to feel "best" when I am just a bit lower (I like to be at the 159-160 pound range) because then I have a little bit of "finagling" room.  But, I am happy.  

I have mentioned this before, but sometimes it still surprises me.  But, as I have said, I still "feel" like my former "hefty" self.  Emotionally, I still see myself that way when I look in the mirror.  And, this has been the case during all of the (approaching) 20 years since my transition from a "hefty" fellow (just BARELY under 300 pounds (~136 kg; ~21.5 stone) and with a BMI of 38.5) to a normal BMI.  The emotional baggage of being "hefty" is hard to shake.  I mostly just try to ignore those feelings, but occasionally it is difficult to do so.  

I am a bit excited about a POTENTIAL action on Thursday.  

As you realize, I do very much value being able to go the "Retiree's Cigar Group" on Thursdays.  But, you also know that this semester has me have a class that significantly delays my arrival, so much so that I am sometimes alone or at best there may be 1 or 2 of my friends have stayed beyond the typical time.  

I do miss seeing and talking with ALL the regulars in the "Retiree's Cigar Group".  But... just MAYBE.... this Thursday I will be in luck.  My late class has an EXAM!!!!!  And, while the students can stay as long as they like in the class period to complete their exam, there is a possibility they all may be done EARLY and I may be able to leave EARLIER, and that means I could potentially arrive with more of my friends still at the shop!!!!!

I do not know what to predict this Thursday.  I have had classes where one or two or three students may stay till the bitter end of the class period (boo-hiss).  But, I have sometimes had all folks finish with 30-40 minutes of time remaining in our 90 minute block (fingers crossed).  Having that extra 30-40 minutes to get there would make it likely I'd see at least 90% of the crew.  

I have come to the realization that TUESDAY running is the hardest running I do each week.  This is because it is also the day AFTER a late evening of Band Rehearsal, and Tuesday morning is the day we have for trash and recycling pickup.... and I want to get out as much trash, recyclables, and used cat litter as possible that morning.  Add to this my relatively earlier start time for "big voicing" at the U on Tuesdays.  

I have no plans to CHANGE my running on Tuesdays.  But, it is at least nice to understand why I am usually so "blah" about getting up to run Tuesday mornings.  

PCS - 8.5..... I spent ALL of my run this morning AFTER I finished the rosary (and shamefully some of the time when I would drift away WHILE praying the rosary) imagining smoking my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  I was especially enamored with remembering and recalling the tastes and textures of a rum tinctured and slightly butterscotch infused burley I was especially fond of when I first started at the U.  It may sound truly stupid, but there were a few moments where I felt a bit of a "shivering" type of intensity at the feelings invoked with these memories.  I really could almost actually taste the beautiful flavors upon my tongue.... all the while doing the running loops like a hamster in a wheel.     

Contentedness Score - 7.... feeling ok.  Still looking very forward to stepping off the bus come Saturday, and are these conference talks of my students DONE, but so the "Battle of the Bands" is ALSO DONE too!  Maybe I will splurge and have ANOTHER beer or two on Saturday to celebrate that milestone..... a milestone where things should...... should..... return to "normal" (whatever the hell that is) for a while.  

Practice

 

I am bushed but hopeful.

The research talks of my many researchers will be coming at the end of this week!  All their various talks are ready to go (other than minor typographical error corrections that likely will be noticed as they continue to practice).  

And, they are tasked with doing a whole helluva lot of practice before scheduling a "Dress Rehearsal" with me over the next three days.  They hopefully will be smooth, eloquent, and be able to weave a beautiful story of their work for the "Dress Rehearsal" ahead of their real presentations.  But, that may be a "pipe dream" of sorts.  They are all feeling nervous, so I suspect for at least a few, the "Dress Rehearsal" will reveal their need to KNOW exactly what they plan to say before they say it and they will have to scramble to practice and practice and practice if they are NOT up to snuff.  

Come the end of these research talks, I am thinking I will have a celebratory beer or two in the evening when I eventually traverse the land back to home.  Yet, I cannot become too celebratory, as the next day, I have to take a very early morning bus trip with my band as the scheduled "Battle of the Bands" is set halfway across the state and our group is set to play sometime that day.    This is a yearly event where community bands from across the state come together to play across the day and be evaluated by band professionals (usually College of Music Faculty).  They give each community band a critique of how they can further improved.  Our conductor is nervous as hell (as he usually is) and we have one more (likely fire-and-brimstone style) rehearsal tonight to practice our program of songs.  

Last Thursday, I ended up getting to the "Retiree's Cigar Group" regrettably late, but one friend was there, so for a part of the time that was very nice.  The remainder of the time, I spent editing student talks.

I got up late this morning and only was able to run 7.7 miles before I had to stop and get ready to go to the U.  

PCS - 8.... pipes still call to me each and every day.  Their nurturing of my mind is something I miss terribly.

Contentedness Score - 7.5.... the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight!  

PipeTobacco

Slug

 

I actually think slugs are exceptionally cool creatures.  Snails are more akin to slugs who are RVing, so they are pretty cool as well.... but I find working with (non-human, animal) slugs to be quite fun.  I do not do research with them, but in one of the labs I teach in my ethology course, I have the students work with slug behavior in a maze learning experience, and I also lecture about the physiology of snail mucin (the material that makes the the "slug slime" of the beast).  It is helpful for the locomotor behavior of the beast and it can be used in defense by the slug.  In some species, the mucous secreted also has chemical agents that make the fluid rather antimicrobial and in some cases also a mild anesthetic.  I also like to mention (much to the horror of some of the students) that snail mucin is actually incorporated into some commercially beauty products (cosmetics, shampoos) and some medical salves.  

But, today I am not so fond of the (human) slugs in one of my research groups.  They have not yet gotten me their data in the form of an Excel file so that I can produce graphs for them of their data.  This means I am at a (nervous) standstill.  

I am already at the peak of excitedness imagining going to the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow!  Unfortunately, my schedule means I will be very late, but I am hoping, with weather looking ok, that I WILL get there in time to have at least 2-3 stragglers remain so they can chat with me for a while.  It is an incredibly peaceful and relaxing experience, and I so look forward to it.  

Presuming I can work like hell this Friday, I should be able to catch back up on things I have let slide (grading) while fixing the kids' research graphs so much of the last two weeks.  On Friday my wife and I are planning on going to a play, and on Saturday there is a TUBA CONCERT (yes, I am serious) that I very much want to attend. As you know, I relish the low instruments (my own bass clarinet, contra alto clarinet, contrabass clarinet, tenor sax, baritone sax, euphonium, tuba).... and when I read of an actual TUBA Concert, I knew it was for me.  I am not sure if my wife is ACTUALLY interested or is just humoring my eccentricities.... but she is willingly coming with me to this as well. 

PipeTobacco

PCS - 8.5... I know this may sound awful.... but I have done this a couple of times.  When I get into some certain lecture topics that  are SO easy (I guess I mean for me, not the students) I sometimes can get into a bit of an "autopilot" mode where I am animated and gesturing about and lecturing like usual.... but I can slip into a bit of a daydream as well.  Well in today's lecture about basic comparative brain circuitry and my rather elaborate diagramming and discussion of the zebra finch higher vocal center (a brain region that in male finches is the telencephalonic region of circuitry for development of their elaborate song production), I was in the midst of a daydream about smoking a bowlful of cube cut, Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco.  I wasn't really "seeing" it as I was looking at the students as I talked, but I was emotionally feeling it in my mind as was recalling that ingrained, repetitive pattern of drawing from the stem of my pipe. 

Contentedness Score... a 7, which I consider pretty damn good for how hectic life still is at this moment.  I might even have listed a 7.5 if I was not weighted down by the (human) slugs I spoke of.  

Snow and Computer

Just a brief post because I have been unable to sit to write anything meaningful (if I ever do, anyway).....

We had a large amount of snow that happened Saturday through to Sunday and  while we made it to Mass on Saturday, most all weekend my time was spent either a) on the computer doing analysis to help my research students prepare their talks or I was snow shoveling.  

I did help my wife with dinner, however... Frittata, (with lots of vegetables and an Ethiopian style curry seasoning), lots of other vegetables, and my requisite salad that is bigger than my head. 

I am exceedingly bushed this Tuesday morning.   My secretary messed up the printing of my exams for students, so I am lecturing ahead on the fly instead.  That is exhausting.  

I daydream and night-dream about pipes and pipe tobaccos.  And, I also keep imagining the act of being able to go to the "Retiree's Cigar Group" this Thursday.  

Running like usual.  Band last night was squeezed in.  But, very little else but work when I come home.  I am a true cyborg at this point.  

The end of this mad work schedule is in sight.  I am hoping before Thursday when I head to the "Retiree's Cigar Group" I will have everything as done as I can damn well do for my students and it is then on them to PRACTICE and PRACTICE their talks.  They will have about 1.5 weeks to bring their talks up to snuff..... so they need to practice.

PipeTobacco

More Snow

Over today and tomorrow, we are anticipated (again, taken with the rather salty caveat that our television weather-folk tend towards hyperbole, exaggeration and wild speculation) to acquire ~10 inches (~25cm) of new fluffy, white stuff.  We shall see how much time I ultimately have to spend pushing snow around today and tomorrow.  

I am still thinking deeply about what to do as a way to become more attuned to the way my faith directs me to live through my Lenten journey.  I want to work to become the better person I can and should be.  Admittedly, I TRY to figure out my failings and TRY to figure out ways to become better as a human across the entire year..... as I should.  But, the Lenten journey offers me the more coalesced, more focused opportunity and time to try with more energy to become what I should be.

So, what of my many shortcomings would be the most important to focus upon?  Here are things I know:

1.  I am lazy.  I can and do push myself to do things.  But, left to my own desires, I am inherently lazy.

2.  I am unfocused.  It takes me considerable energy to train my mind towards a task.

3.  I do not love sufficiently.  In my mind and in my heart, my emotions roil and boil and are wholly effusive.  Yet, I am very often too tired, too afraid, too exhausted, or too timid to express my love as effervescently as I should be able to do.  Whether this is to my wife, to my kids, to my dog or cat, or in a friendship way to my friends, my co-workers (most of them) or students (most of them).... I FEEL love deeply, but I am not as successful at expressing that love through words nor actions.  

4.  I live in fear.  I believe I end up wasting considerable time in a state of fear.  I fear for my family, I fear about a sense of incompleteness in my relationships (due to my lack of effort), I feel fear about my work, I feel fear about my health, I fear not being able to retire, and yet I also fear retiring, I fear being pointless, and I fear having and continuing to waste my life, or at least not maximizing the life and the opportunities within it I have been given.

The above are the primary thoughts I search through as I try to create my Lenten path this year.  I have recently acquired the "app" (I dislike that term, I would prefer everyone simply say "application") called "Hoopla" so I can check out books electronically from my city's library and read them on my Kindle.  I am searching through a number of Capuchin theology texts to select one that I hope may be helpful to guide me as I continue to try to determine my path.  When I eventually select the primary text (hopefully this weekend), I will try to report on what I find from its pages.  

In the notion of having one of my hoped for three Lenten aspirations be to learn from either refraining from the "Retiree's Cigar Group" or  through refraining from ABSTAINING from my pipes and pipe tobaccos.... I can see strong merits for potential growth in either approach... but I also see a variety of risks... risks mostly in my own limited fortitude.  I fear I would lose the young, perhaps fragile friendships I have formed with the "Retiree's Cigar Group" fellows if I purposefully refrain from attending.  Regarding my pipes, I fear I would not focus on growth, but instead on hedonistic enjoyment if I were to refrain from abstaining from my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  Would I truly focus on GROWTH and not on hedonism if I did so?

I do know that for today, my focus will be on further refinement of the talks my researcher students will be making soon.  I do know my focus will also be on grading the many papers, exams and other ephemera that have already been submitted by students and await my red pen.  I need to keep a focus on being directive in my grading and comments, but also kind.  I need to work to guide them and not just "judge" their efforts.  I have noticed that without a pipe clamped between my chompers as I scribble with my red pen, I do always have to concentrate more on maintaining that directive, yet kind focus.    

My wife and I will attend Mass this late afternoon, because we anticipate it may be more difficult to get to Mass on Sunday morning.  I am hoping that the homily strikes a strong chord with me to help me shape my path. 

My efforts at upper body strengthening have gone by the wayside to large extent.  I have seemingly lost the time I had thought I had for this effort in the myriad of other work tasks I feel behind in.  Perhaps that should be a second, Lenten focus?  I think it is important... but not to become an "Arnold Schwarzenegger" type, which I could never become.  But, instead, I believe that building more tone and strength in this way would allow me a greater chance of maintaining strength to do work as I continue to age, and I would like this work to include volunteering work I hope becomes a more sizable effort I engage in during my retirement.  I would like to become a bigger presence at helping at Soup Kitchens for the poor, and for work with "Meals on Wheels" and similar such programs for the needy, housebound, etc.  I think that would be an excellent focus for my retirement years.

PipeTobacco   

   

Upcoming Lenten Journey

Fortunately, I have a bit more time to think and plan for what I would like to strive for in my Lenten journey this year.  Ash Wednesday is considerably later this year (March) than the last few years (February).  However, I am rather all over the map in regards to what I should do at this time.  

A Lenten Fast in my Catholic faith incorporates the following concepts:

A primary goal of fasting during Lent is to repent, or turn away from sin, and to prepare for Easter. Fasting is a traditional way to signify sorrow for transgressions and to express humility for failures. It is a way to discipline the body and train the mind and increase understanding of faith. 

Components of a Lenten fast include:

Repentance - feeling sorrow and the offering of reparation for failures to be good and kind. 

Self-control - displaying the ability to make good and kind choices. 

Prayer - fasting can facilitate prayerfulness and contemplation.

In reality, the ideas of a Lenten journey are to become better as a person, become more prepared for Easter, and to (arguably in an exceedingly small way) model and shape one's life to attempt to model the fasting of Christ.

* * * * 

With the above, I can literally chose from a near infinite number of options in which I could work to try to become a better person, become a kinder, more caring individual, and lose at least some of my many, many failings.

Two ideas have been mentioned here that do each have merit for me to consider adopting.  Yet each is rather in conflict with each other in some fashion.  These two ideas revolve around my persistent thoughts about my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  In the now seven full years in which I have abstained from my pipes and pipe tobaccos (sans my Dad's 100th birthday), I initially entered into my effort to abstain with the full belief that as time passed, the desires for, the memories of, and the interest in my pipes and pipe tobaccos would dissipate.  That has proven to be inaccurate.  I now believe that regardless of whether I smoke my pipes or not, I will very likely continue to desire, continue to have memories of, and continue to have deep interest in my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  So, with that in mind, three different ideas have been suggested (or thought of):

1.  Pat suggested that perhaps I would benefit from a Lenten fasting from ABSTAINING from my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  

And, in my mind, this seems delightful to consider.  It is almost akin to a "Get out of jail free" card in Monopoly to my mind.  I could dive back into the journey I have missed.  As was suggested, though, if I view it in the light than I am fasting from abstaining in order to better understand my attachments to the pipes and pipe tobaccos... that could be a good thing.  But, in the same vein, if I were to do this, but not really follow through in the focus on examination, thought, and understanding of  the "whys?" I could very easily fall into gluttony and hedonism as my focus with fasting from abstaining.  I think it could be a rather narrow tightrope to balance upon.

2.  Another suggestion is that I could instead fast from the "Retiree's Cigar Group" during Lent.  

In this mode, I would, I guess, be focusing on introspection of my motives for smoking a pipe.... in an environment devoid of the influence of the weekly cigar indulged in with the group.  And, I can see potential merit in this as well.  Yet, I had that sort of environment for years PRIOR to starting to attend the "Retiree's Cigar Group" and during that time the findings of my introspection were, at best chaotic, and at worst unsuccessful.  Perhaps the thought is now that I have been indulging in a cigar weekly that to abstain would in some way perhaps replicate my original period of abstaining from my pipes and if so, this may offer me new insights.  

* * * * *

Yet, in idea #1 (fasting from abstaining) I do think there is a very real risk that a) I would simply fall into a very easy sense of gluttony and hedonism and would wallow as happily there as a pig does in mud, or b) even if I would strive to begin abstaining again at Easter, would I have literally "fallen off the wagon" and not be able to return?  I do not know if I would chose to return to the state of abstinence.  It was quite difficult that first time.  Perhaps it would be even more difficult a second time?  

And, in idea #2 (fasting from the "Retiree's Cigar Group), I would feel especially a sense of loss of the friendships I have made.  When I went there yesterday, there was only one fellow from the group there, and because I was especially late, he was only able to stay about 15 minutes.  I did chat with the owner a bit as well, but then I went to the upstairs loft and quietly read by a brightly lit window for another hour and a half.  Even that little bit of friendship time felt enriching to me. And, yes, the cigar was entertaining as well.  It was not a pipe, and a pipe would be several logarithmic levels more enticing and wonderful.... but the cigar was nice.  But, perhaps it is the WHOLE of the experience that has the significance.  The "Retiree's Cigar Group" seems in some way to be a mechanism to get me to "slow down" if you know what I mean.  When I left late in the late afternoon, I felt exceedingly relaxed, and more "present" in myself than I know how to adequately put into words.    

* * * * *

So, while the above two seem to each have merit as possibilities, both have considerable worrisome aspects to me as well.  They are still both options for this upcoming Lent, but I am also beginning to try to look more broadly as well for other things that could form part of my Lenten journey this year.  I have sometimes in last Lents attempted and strove for up to three different foci.  I am not sure if I have the energy for that many challenging foci or not this year, but it is an option.

PipeTobacco

PCS - 7

Contentedness Score - 5

Makes You Go "Hmm?"

Well, the predicted 12 inch (~30cm) snowstorm did not come to fruition.  Instead, we received roughly, only ~6.5 inches (~15-16cm) of the fluffy stuff. 

I had thought that perhaps that WOULD be the SWEET SPOT of perhaps just enough snow for the U to close.  

NO.

Although EVERY OTHER institute of higher learning in the region DID CLOSE...... a community college ~5 miles away from the U, another community college about 30 miles from the U, a smaller U about 35 miles away from the U, a vocational school ~10 miles away from the U..... and EVERY K-12 school in the vicinity... and they notified their students and worker folks by 11pm last night..... 

my U...... notified us at 6:45am this morning.... that they would have a "2-hour delay" which meant that the U would not open until 10:00am. 

On Thursdays, my classes START at 10:00am.  So, no difference in my workday.... other than I do not have any preparation time before the classes begin.  

This news (and its late delivery) was just a TAD frustrating.

So, what did I do?  

Well, I got up.... I could not get to run as the Community Center's Track was closed until the afternoon to allow for snow removal in their parking lot.  I pottied the dog, made my coffee, and bundled up in my snow gear to go shovel and plow the driveway so I could get out.  

But, noise ordinances do not permit loud noise prior to 8:00am in my region.  So, I had to wait a bit.  I did QUIETLY hand shovel sidewalks, porches, and also shoveled snow away from the garage doors.  And, then at 8:01am, I fired up my infernal snow beast and began the long pathways of many, many back and forth travels up and down our driveway to push & blow the snow away.  With the orientation of our house and with the heaviness of the snow and the height of the drifts, the driveway typically requires TWO complete cleans.... the first to move a sizable majority of the snow, and a second pass through to be actually showing the surface near the concrete. 

I raced through the two cleanings as fast as I could.  Disrobed from all my snow gear, and then cleaned up a bit (washing face, brushing hair, beard, and mustache), tossed on a little Old Spice (well, technically a store brand, less expensive version... and yes, it is an old bottle I have had for at least 15 years... I am not sure if Old Spice (or its facsimile) is available anymore) since I did not have time to shower, dressed and drove (slowly due to poor roads) to the U.   

* * * * * *

• I will have to make up running miles.  Perhaps I can run more tomorrow, or I can push miles into Saturday even though I like having the weekends off from running.  
• Because the U has me working, I am damn well going to try my very best to traverse (carefully) to the shop.  I do not know if anyone will be there from the "Retiree's Cigar Group" or not.  But, I still want to try.  I will bring a book, in case I am alone.

PipeTobacco

PCS - 9 - I had always been my pattern to have a pipe as a reward after doing a good job on snow removal.  Even after all the years I have refrained, the loss of that reward is something I really notice.

Contentment Score - 5 - now that I complained a bit (in the above) about the U, I feel a bit better... much better than I did at 6:45am this morning.  It is just another day..... but with a few added hassels.