I am trying very hard to not be so pessimistic. I am trying very hard to not lose my focus of trying to see the positive, to live a positive life, to be happy.
It is a huge task. Sometimes, actually much of the time, I feel overwhelmed by life. In a logical sense I can see that I have nothing to dread by the most mundane, day-to-day tasks, but in the same breath I can easily say I am overwhelmed. A few examples:
1. I need to prepare a research talk for a conference I am going to later in July. Yet, the idea of putting the talk together, and the PowerPoint presentation that needs to accompany it is almost beyond what I can fathom. It seems like a form of torture, and I seem willing to do just about damn near anything to avoid working on it.
2. I and my wife are both wanting to do an extensive decluttering/cleaning of our home. I can say that I would be very relieved to have about 50% of the material in our home removed to make it more breathable and open. Yet, the thought of trying to sort through things, the idea of trying to pick up and arrange things seems so very overwhelming to me that I feel aggitated even just contemplating the idea.
3. My wife and I have wanted to have the carpets replaced in our home for several years now. In fact, we have decided we would like the carpeting to be replaced with hardwood flooring. Yet, the notion of even trying to prepare for such an invasion by workers to remove the carpeting let alone put in the new flooring makes me cringe and shudder.
Even the task of writing these emotions down has been daunting and exhausting. I very literally would like to go home right now and crawl into bed and sleep. It seems the only thing that helps me feel calm and relaxed and not so sad, is to sleep. I think I could almost sleep around the clock.
This is not normal. I know that. I am trying to fix it. I am trying to force myself into a better frame of mind. I am trying to not be so doom-and-gloom.
The above are but three itesm of the many I work on every day, and most all of them have the same net effect... they make me tired and want to sleep. The thought of doing much if anything seems to be beyond what I can bear.
Even writing this post has been accomplished only by shear will and determination.
Life is hard for me right now.