.All Rolled Into One
I am angry. I am sad. I feel like crying. I feel like taking some object and smashing it into a thousand little pieces.
I am feeling the way I do because:
1. I have some business (four items) that I need to take care of concerning my mother's estate. I do not want to do them and every time I try it gets me emotionally in turmoil.
2. The arrival of the "mini-me" who is younger, athletic, and better looking is fast approaching. I hate and despise all the members in my Department who voted to hire him.
3. I do not want to teach class in the morning. I am fed up with the nine hours of talking and fussing with them every Tuesday and Thursday. In addition, I have an added four hours every Tuesday for the other damn class I am teaching which I also do not want to do. That is 13 hours straight of teaching on Tuesday and nine hours on Thursday.
4. I am sick and tired of doing projects around the home, but if I stop, things stay the same or simply get more chaotic. It is too damn overwhelming.
5. I am tired that no matter where I am, it seems people are always needing me to help them. This too is utterly daunting and overwhelming and makes me irritable.
6. I am so damn sick and tired of the members of my Department who find it "great" to give me all sorts of busy work, paper-pushing b*llsh*t work "for the good of the department", but when I want to have a particular schedule or a particular goal or space of my own, I am not being "reasonable". It is such a damn, two-faced bunch of b*stards that I work with that sometimes I seethe with rage at the thought of interacting with them.
7. I am so tired of working and working and working, to try to solve the needs of everyone when no one gives a damn about me.
8. I am p*ss*ed as hell at the constant barrage of people invading my own timetable and disrupting every waking hour.
9. I do not understand why things have to be this way.
10. I am angry that people think it is "ok" to take the flowers people bring to the grave sites of their loved ones.
11. I am appalled at the various people I try to rely on who are so damn slow as molasses, but if I am not INSTANTANEOUS in my efforts I get badgered. The molasses folk include auto mechanics, dentists, workers at the DMV, administration at the U, accrediting bodies for Departments for which I teach service courses for, people who set unreasonable deadlines, and the list goes on and on.
I want to crawl into a hole and stay there. No, that is what I feel I want to do to protect myself. What I would like is to feel relaxed, feel happy, feel content, and feel successful in what I do. I have been working to implement all the items I have talked about and have tried to shy away from all the negativity. But unfortunately, today was one of those days where it was utterly impossible.