Binocular Vision

As I suspect many of you realize, I like word associations.  I like taking words that have multiple meanings and thinking about and seeing how the multiple meanings may finesse and or shape the potential meaning of a word in a given context.  In some fashion, I am doing that today in this effort.  This effort shall be, however, a rapid-fire typing "throw down" effort without any form of editing during the brief time frame I have. To deliver as much of the nonsense that is percolating in my head onto this electronic paper as possible, I am going to utilize my favorite cobbling method of communication..... bullet points:

• I mentioned Thanksgiving was a rather roughshod affair.  Well.... two factors were especially instrumental in making it a difficult time.... a) my mother-in-law's continued mental decline which means she may at some point sooner than later have to leave her home for a new life in a new location..... something she is vehemently opposed to, and b) the presence and actions during the holiday of the person whom I cannot talk about here.  For me, the deepest pain and anguish of (b) occurred on Sunday, but for my wife, as it takes her a bit of time to process how events and actions make her feel.... she is feeling the lion's share of her own grief, pain and anguish about (b) today.  I have been speaking with her over the phone as much as possible given our schedules. 
  

• In one of my lectures this morning, I was speaking about the embryological origins of the development of the neural ocular system and about the factors that influence eye placement within the skull at a taxonomic level.  In this topic, I often speak of how physiologically and anatomically we have neural pathways and eye placement that allow us to have considerable binocular vision.  This form of vision is what allows us to perceive depth of field (to judge distances).  In this topic, I often bring into discussion the metamorphosis of frog body morphology, as it offers a very tangible way to compare and contrast the variations in body morphology for the development of vision across species.
  

• I just noticed I was prattling on too long about binocular vision, so I will summarize the most interesting part I like to explain to my students..... the general trend is that herbivorous species tend to display a laterally placed eye position and limited binocular vision..... to assist in avoiding predation.... and carnivorous species tend to display an anterior eye placement with extensive binocular vision..... to assist in prey capture.  The frog is a beautiful example for this in that it displays lateral eye placement during its tadpole stage (herbivore at this time) and anterior eye placement in adulthood (carnivorous in adulthood).  That of course is interesting in and of itself.... but the real excitement is to talk through all the details of how cell migration and morphology of the skeletal, urinary, digestive and nervous systems all are shaped by the transition the frog makes from being an aquatic organism to a terrestrial one.  But, I probably should not bore you with that level of detail.

• Sunday evening I began soaking, not one pound, but TWO pounds of dried black beans.  On Monday, I set up BOTH of our crock pots so I could accommodate all the beans..... half in each crock pot.  I make my black beans with a bit of a "Caribbean" sort of flair.   Besides water, I add curry, paprika, ginger, coarse black pepper, allspice, salt, garlic, a bullion cube, and mango (or peaches if I do not have mango).  I let the beans and spices and fruit then cook in the crock pot on low for usually 20 - 24 hours.  They are amazing in flavor and texture.  One crock pot of beans I divided into five smaller samples to freeze for "quick meal" use.  My wife and I will be making nachos tonight for dinner with the other crock pot of beans (and freezing any that are left). 

• It is a true shame that pipes and pipe tobaccos have a) some negative health associations with  indulgence in the duo, and b) currently negative societal opinions about both. For, in a "big-picture" sort of way, I can still state clearly that I see both pipes and pipe tobaccos as a) beautiful, b) artistic, c) nurturing, d) graceful, e) classy, f) friendly, g) familial, h) contemplative, i) fun, j) both simple and exotic concurrently, k) comforting, l) affirming, m) tasty, n) stimulating, o) relaxing, p) quieting, q) invigorating.... and often multiple of the above simultaneously.  

• So.... word association?!?  Well, I was thinking of the simultaneous meanings and uses for "vision" from the biological to the spiritual, and others that exist in-between.  I was also thinking of the Latin origins of "binocular" which of course suggests "two eyes" and how I can and do try to see the world with a variety of "eyes" from the scientific to the religious, to the metaphysical to the philosophical.  And then that stirred a neuron or two in my brain to think about the term "linguistics" as I was writing this today, and I flashed on how the origin of the beautiful word "linguistics" is actually of Latin origin in reference to the tongue, which of course is intimately associated with writing as the tongue is a tool for communication... verbally... and is also an integral aspect of development in amphibian metamorphosis.... and I forgot to mention that in lecture today, but I probably should have.

PipeTobacco

Short Post

 More tomorrow…….

Briefly, however:

1.  Thanksgiving weekend was rather exhausting in some hard and some very busy ways.  

2.  Today became chaos as I was set to give students an exam.  Unfortunately, the exam was not correctly photocopied and well over half of the exams were exams for a different course of mine.  I had to cancel the exam and give a lecture instead (after passing out the exam) off the top of my head without any writing utensils, no pointer, no microphone and no PowerPoint.  I was completely across campus from my office in the big lecture hall.  I ran to a nearby office and begged them to loan me a dry erase marker, and did what I could drawing things out “old school” style.  My voice was quite tired from having to shout through the mask.  

PipeTobacco 

98

 

Today is my Dad's birthday.  If he were alive, he would now be 98 years old.  I miss being able to talk with him.  There are so many cherished memories I have.  But, mostly I like, miss and remember just being around him, both as a young child, and into adulthood.  He was a great guy and a wonderful Dad.  Mesothelioma took away his life, and was induced by the many years he had been exposed to asbestos.  The primary, massive exposures occurred during the years he was a welder working to build a variety of heat-resistant chambers and boilers.  These massive, room-sized structures were lined with asbestos.  I have looked through the scientific literature and the knowledge of the hazards of asbestos were known since the 1920s.  

If I could....

• I would love to have at least a few more hours to talk with him.

• I would love to again smoke at least a few more pipes with him.
  

• I would relish going to eat at least a few more chili dogs with him.    

• I would very much enjoy having at least one more long, car ride with him.  He was one of the most steady and patient drivers I have ever had the pleasure to be in a vehicle with. 

PipeTobacco

Cannot

 

I cannot stay in this perpetual state of cycles into anger and resentment.  It is not physically or emotionally healthy for me to feel the way I have been feeling.   It is FAR, FAR easier, however..... to KNOW that I have to change this in some fashion...... than it is to ACTUALLY change this in some fashion.  

But, I am going to work to find a way to not be so terribly buffeted by actions that accost me and hurt me and anger me so.  I would like for the sh*tty crap to just disappear, but those actions are not in my control, but are in the control of the individual I cannot talk about. So, I must work on changing me.

* * * * * 

When I first, just moments ago,  stated the above..... "I must work on changing me."  I had an initial surge of resentment.   I have to admit that sometimes, when things are hurtful like they currently are..... that I feel quite a bit of resentment in having to change MYSELF to accommodate (or at least deal with) the horrible and hurtful behavior of others.  But.... even though my first thought is about how I resent having to do this change..... I have to keep in mind that my changing WILL benefit me in terms of hopefully lowering my stress. I have to try to keep looking at my changing as a way to improve my health and wellness.  

* * * * * 

Other thoughts:

• My wife and I are thinking of trying to find an indoor pool somewhere that may be open during this weekend.  Our normal pool is temporarily closed for several weeks for repair and to be refreshened.  We both have been greatly missing our swims.  I hope we may find one somewhere not too far away.

•  I have been thinking quite frequently about pipes and pipe tobaccos again.  Even though not a "dream"..... the other day, while DAYDREAMING (not sleep dreaming), my mind wandered to remembering and thinking about the beautiful, traditional pipe shop that is roughly an hour away from here.  I was remembering the many lazy afternoons I have spent peacefully there, exploring and sampling and purchasing various leaf, pipe and other accoutrements.  These memories feel as if from another era, unfortunately.  The era was much more tranquil, friendly, sunshiny, and vivid than the way much of 2020 and 2021 feel.  
  

• I have been rummaging through some of my pipe tobaccos and have pulled out two to use as a sort of "potpourri"... one in my home office, and the other in my U office.  I try to not keep the pouch each pipe tobacco is in open long, however, as I do not want to flavors and odors to wane in the leaf. 
  

• I paced myself to run very fast and very hard this morning, and listened to 15 Catholic Hymns on Pandora and then listened to yesterday's Capuchin Daily Mass.  By the time I worked through those, I had completed 12 miles of running for the day.  

• Last thought..... I am apparently too damn old to learn the tricks of Excel.  Even though I do USE Excel in several facets of my work..... it is NEVER a program I look forward to opening.  To me, the logic train needed to get it to do any of the things I need is NOT intuitive, and even though I can muddy through it.....eventually...... it ALWAYS feels akin to trying to speak and use a language that I have had perhaps one year of high school instruction in.  
  

PipeTobacco

Regna & Tnemtneser

I am in a foul mood due to things I cannot talk about here.

I am sad, angry, filled with resentment.

From the time the alarm rings at 4:45am until I hit the pillows at night, everything is hard. Perhaps I DO NOT remember dreams lately because sleep is my only current respite in life.

I have tried to work and exist outside of what I cannot talk about.  I have tried to find happiness there.  But, every damn time I find that germination of happiness, the damn phone rings and it is some other sh*t about that which I cannot talk about.  Then I am trying to deal with that situation, then deal with my sadness, anger, and resentment, then take a nap to try to dissipate the sadness, anger, and resentment, and wake up able to at least function, and perhaps begin to try again to find happiness.... then the damn phone rings again. And, the cycle repeats.  Over, and over.

I am just going through the motions of living.  I have nothing of humanity left inside me.  I look at photographs of earlier life.... previously cherished photographs.  I see them now as nothing.  They are meaningless.  They represent something that never was.

One brief positive.  The dog has surgery scheduled in three weeks.  The veterinarian does not think the lumps are serious.  It feels rather pathetic to me that my "bright spot" in life at the moment is that my dog has to have surgery.

Such is life, I guess.

PipeTobacco

Worry & Fret

• I am trying to stay focused on class work and on working through writing questions to compile for the final examinations coming up in a few weeks.  

• I am working on the two research applications for the Research Review Board.  I would *like* to try to submit them both today, although that may only be a pipe dream.
  

• There is a nationally known saxophonist who has been invited to campus by the Music Department and is providing a technique workshop for music majors this afternoon.  I talked to one of my friends/colleagues in the Music Department and was given the "ok" to also attend this workshop (because I like to play saxophone).

 

• I ran 10.3 miles this morning.  
• I listened to Thursday's Capuchin Monastery Morning Mass.   

 

• But, mostly, I have been feeling worry and have been fretting about the upcoming appointment for my dog late this afternoon. I hope it will turn out well.  

 

• Also, even though I have STILL not had any dreams that I have remembered in several weeks, and that of course also means no pipe related dreams in these same several weeks.  Within a few minutes of awakening, I did find that I am having significant cravings for smoking my pipe.  It has been a bit of time since I felt the sort of yearning/craving desire to smoke my pipes.  I do not mean I was lacking an INTEREST in smoking my pipes, as that is something I have perpetually.  But, it has been a few days since I had the appreciable yearning/craving type of desire.  In terms of my PCS (Pipe Craving Score) that I sometimes use to indicate the intensity of the cravings, it would be around a "7" today.   
  

Varied Thoughts

 

First, thank you to AC who sent me the image above.  It is cute!

A veritable whirlwind of thoughts for today.... in no particular sequence or pattern: 

• Ran 10.2 miles this morning.  I tried really hard to PUSH myself into exhaustion, and I ended up doing so with an average per mile pace of 8:23/mile (16.4km at 5:13/km). 
  

• Listened to Daily Mass from yesterday from the Capuchin Monastery while I ran. As I mentioned before, I typically listen/watch these Mass and other Service tapings a day after they occur as their live presentation is during times when I am working at the U. So, today I listened to the Wednesday Daily Mass. 

• As a second part of my run, I listened to the Capuchin's "Blessing of the Sick" service they hold every Wednesday afternoon. They have begun videotaping this as well, and it has been helpful to me.  It was interesting to me that the discussion after the readings at this service were VERY MUCH focused on the same ideas I wrote about yesterday.... basically the ideas of not ruminating on the past, not fearing and worrying about the future, but instead living in the present.  I found the timing of this being the focus for this service yesterday, and my own similar blog post yesterday being so similar was quite comforting to me.  

• I had a Parish Council Meeting scheduled for this evening.  Surprisingly, Father A.,  just a few minutes ago had his secretary write to us that the meeting was cancelled due to having no new business.  Even though I willingly serve as Parish Council President, I was delighted to have the meeting cancelled as it gives me some more free time.  Truth-be-told.... most of the time, the amount of information and decisions that need to be made at Parish Council could be handled in either 15 minutes in-person, or actually even more easily by an e-mail.  But, usually the meetings go on for around two hours, as a fair number of the folks on the council are more interested in socializing and just talking.  Since I talk/lecture for a living, lots of idle chit-chat at the end of the day is not usually my favorite activity.  

• I am in the midst of writing two new applications to the U's Research Review Board.  This activity is not exciting because the board consists of only two scientists.  Then there is one statistician and the rest are folks who are often science "unfocused" and often science "uninterested".  It is a requirement that we have several folks from the non-U "community" as part of this board.  The statistician is a bit challenging to deal with because this fellow absolutely loves and adores and craves "statistical creativity" in his life.  He regularly nit-picks and obsesses over extremely small minutia in terms of statistical analysis of projects.  This makes some sense as it is his passion in life.  But, the difficulty is that in my particular research specialty in biology the statistical tests used and desired as rather quite standardized.  And, deviations from the standard statistical methodologies is frowned upon in my field.  So, I get a bit caught between a rock and a hard place at times.... the fellow whom I have to convince at the U to approve my statistics..... craves for me to make them more complex and exotic, whereas the discipline where my research hopefully gets presented/published, does not like deviations from standard methods unless there is an important reason to do so.  And, the non-science focused folks from the community.... they come up with all sorts of half-baked questions and opinions that are typical in the anti-science crowds.... and it is a true pain in the posterior to deal with them. 

• I am taking my dog to the veterinarian tomorrow.  As I mentioned before, this appointment was one I tried to get quite a number of weeks ago, but this is the earliest they had an available slot.  She has a worrisome bump that has developed near her scapula on her right side.  I am *HOPING* it is a cyst or perhaps a benign fatty tumor.... both of which are fairly easy to treat surgically.  I am trying to not think of the other potential, more sinister maladies it may mean.  If I am fortunate that it is a cyst or a benign fatty tumor.... I am hoping the veterinarian will allow us to schedule both the removal of the bump AND a teeth cleaning at the same time.  I get a bit nervous about my dog going under anesthesia often.  And, I would far rather have her be under anesthesia this one time, rather than have two separate occurrences.

• If I can get out of the U before it gets dark, I should probably try to do some lingering yard work I need to accomplish both in preparation for winter and for hopefully having a pleasant day sometime next week where I can put up Christmas lights outdoors so they will be ready to turn on beginning December 1st. 
  

• I am carrying around a pipe again with me today.  I have even been spending a fair amount of my time at the computer, with the stem clenched between my teeth.  It is comforting.  It feels akin to a pacifier.  

 

PipeTobacco

Hitting My Head on a Brick Wall

Sometimes.... truthfully I should probably say OFTEN..... and, believe me, do not know why..... but, there are times I am so utterly damn imbecilic, idiotic, and just plain dumb that it is difficult to realize how I have survived all these years. 

If only I had over drank enough liquor through the years to have had myself classified as an alcoholic.... perhaps THEN the message WOULD have made itself more abundantly clear to me. 

In Alcoholics Anonymous  there is the oft quoted portion of their "Serenity Prayer" that reads:

"... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference...."

 How this pertains to me, especially today:

• I KNOW and can IDENTIFY the things that I CANNOT CHANGE...... but the problem is that knowing and identifying does NOT keep me from thinking about, and ruminating over all these damnable things all the damn day long.

• I believe I have at least some small amount of courage in my visage that would allow me to change things that I can.
  

• And, I feel relatively wise enough to know the difference in the above two facets of the prayer.
  

So, what is the issue?  Hmm.  Well, the issue is that for a while now, and I am not sure how long this particular "while" has been...... it likely has been for the last four months since all manner of sh*t has been going on with my one kid that I no longer write about here.  I have felt perpetually anxious, always stressed, indubitably tired, and melancholically subdued.... that I have damn well forgotten what it is like to have a NORMAL day.  

Well.... today..... for a period of about three hours..... somehow, someway..... I apparently didn't think about the b*llsh*t going on, or I forgot about the b*llsh*t, or at least I did not ruminate about the damn b*llsh*t.  I was able to fully immerse in my "teaching zone" where I was talking and working with students..... and I felt........... wait for it.......

HAPPY!!!!!  I even laughed out loud during a part of class!

Damn.  I had so missed that feeling.

The reality is that I know damn well that if I can get "out of my own head" about the sh*t that worries or hurts or stresses me, I can still often feel happy, and feel a sense of joy.  But..... it is so not my default nature to leave things be..... I ruminate a LOT.  

And, do not get me wrong.... ruminating.... is and can be a valuable tool for decision making, for creativity, for trying to develop new thoughts, and for finding purpose.  But... NOT EVERYTHING BENEFITS FROM BEING RUMINATED OVER.  Some crap.... it is best to just let it "go" as best as you can.  

So..... 

1. The idea is to know when to ruminate and when to not ruminate.
2. Recognize that some very powerful and hard b*llsh*t..... even if very painful..... does not benefit from ruminating about.
3. Recognize the important (and perhaps even a bit selfish) need I have to FEEL times of happiness.  Feeling even just a few moments of it can make and can shape much of the rest of a day.
4. Implementing the above three items...... will not be second nature to me.... but I feel I need to succeed at the above three and figure out how to have the above BE my "modus operandi".

* * * * *

Other odds and ends for today:

• Ran 10.1 miles.  Was out the door to head to the U by 7:15.  My knee still has a little bit of ligament strain-type pain on the upper surface ligaments of my patella for a few hours after a run.  For a while, after the initial injury occurred, I could tell that my ligaments would become somewhat inflamed due to the repetitive motion of running.  These ligaments had been strained in my fall, and they were healing and repairing.  But, NOT USING a repairing joint's ligaments while healing is problematic because the healed tissue tends to be considerably shorter and very tight across the joint.  Through my running and AMPLE, SLOW stretching after running, the continued healing of the injury now means my pain has reduced to only the upper surface ligaments.   Continuing to be careful and patient, with additional working to slowly stretch the ligaments back out to their full length and capacity should help my knee revert to being fully pain free. 
  

• No absent-minded reaching for a pipe to smoke today.  Instead, I fidgeted and fussed with a pipe I decided to carry in my sport-coat pocket instead.  I have to admit, fidgeting with my pipe much of the day was pleasant.  I do also have to admit that fidgeting so much with my pipe today DID make me feel a stronger desire to fill the bowl with some beautiful aromatic pipe tobacco as well.  I am not sure, but I may be skating a bit on a knife's edge at the moment.  But, I think I can remain steadfast.

• My wife put in the crockpot this morning, my most FAVORITE of the crockpot recipes she makes..... "Chick Chile".   It is a pleasantly spicy white chile, and this variation is made with chickpeas instead of chicken (in case one of our vegetarian kids stops by... otherwise we could have made it with chicken).  But.... to me.... either version is a PURE DELIGHT!  I am going to likely stuff myself to the gills. 
  

• I am not taking a damn thing home with me to work on from the U tonight.  I do not feel the need for having "homework" tonight.  I am thinking about making this a rule I try to engage in at least a few days a week.

PipeTobacco 

 

Retrograde

 Today was a really odd day.  I felt utterly unprepared for U work, but there was no real need to feel that way.  Both my lecture and lab courses were straight forward, and my lecture went quite smoothly, where I was focusing on discussing and describing the embryonic development of the neural tube as it divides and differentiates into the adult central nervous system (brain and spinal cord).  

I also had NUMEROUS autonomic reflexes where I would reach into my jacket pocket, shirt pocket, or onto my desk in a way to grab my pipe as if I were to pick it up for smoking as I had done for so much of my life.  It is strange to have these happen, as it has been so long since I have had those semi-rote actions be a part of my day-to-day activities.  And, it wasn’t as if I were having especially strong yearnings to smoke my pipes.  I mean….. it was not a deep yearning desire.  I admit I still always would be interested and like to smoke my pipes.  That does not seem to ever change.  But, these pipe reaching patterns just returned out of the blue so to speak while I am just doing my normal work today.  

Such a strangely odd day overall.  

PipeTobacco 

1 Year

During the weekend, the 1 year Anniversary of the suicide of my colleague/friend occurred.  There is not much I can say, other than I miss him.  And, I still feel the loss of his life quite acutely.

PipeTobacco 

Cyborging Away

Today was reasonably pleasant as far as a workday goes:

• Ran my 10 miles (~16 km) this morning... on the treadmill.... as it was raining very heavily with high winds (~15mph (~24kph)) and was only about 38 degrees F (~3 C).  I watched TWO different Capuchin Daily Masses while I ran (I had one extra that I had not been able to watch/listen to earlier in the week.  The Capuchin brothers and priests are such remarkable people.  I learn so much from them and find inspiration in their good work and kindness.  The Chapel where they videotape their Masses from, which is next to their Monastery is also beautiful both in terms of its simplicity and in terms of the beauty of it as well.  

 

• Depending on the day and musician availability, the Daily Masses at the Chapel may have a pianist with a violinist, soprano saxophonist and two vocalists....  or there may be a simple guitarist.... or sometimes a husband and wife guitarist and flutist.... or sometimes a young college student who plays a quiet and pleasant alto saxophone.... or sometimes when no musician is available, the priest will sing "a capella".   Today, the husband and wife duo (guitarist and flutist) played for both Masses I watched.  All the music is good from all the efforts.... but this husband and wife duo... I tend to especially appreciate because they are not professional players by any stretch.... but their sincere earnestness is so imbued and refreshing in their playing and singing. Even though this is not them, the link HERE is of the especially beautiful Mass hymn they played that captivated me.  I am thinking about trying to find the sheet music to play on my own.  
  

 

• I had absolutely no need to go to the U and could work from my office at home!  I had grown to really appreciate the quiet and the flexibility of working from my home office during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic, and it was a very relaxing day of cyborging on a lot of tasks that I needed to do for my classes and for writing work.  

 

• I also was able to contact the book rep of a new book publisher who has taken over the publication and sale of a text I use for one of my classes next semester.  She was able get me situated in terms of getting THEIR version of the textbook, and more importantly.... she was able to get me set up for electronic access to the instructor ancillaries.  This is critically important and valuable for me to help in the organization and alignment of my lectures, assignments, and other minutia related to my revising my "stuff" to fit the new edition of the textbook.  

So, overall, it was a pleasantly productive workday.  I have also had fairly strong desire for smoking my pipe today.... BUT... not a YEARNING, or a feeling of NEED.   Just a beautifully pleasant desire.... that felt actually nurturing and even "wholesome" if that makes any sense.  If I were/am to rejoin the beautiful pipe smoking avocation, I would like the mood/feeling to be exactly like how it felt today..... just a beautiful thing to do.  No baggage.  

 

PipeTobacco

Presbyopia

 

I sent the notice to the student who cheated that she regrettably earned a "0" for this exam. I also explained how no grade is worth the loss of one's integrity and that also using the Disability Services Office as a mechanism to do this denigrates the importance and value of the Disability Services Office for students who truly do have need for specialized accommodations.  We shall see what transpires further.

* * * * * 

I am carrying around a lovely pipe with me again today.  I feel I need the modest comfort it provides to me.  It is almost akin to having a pacifier, I guess.  But, today, experiencing just those ever so tiny, ghostly hints of the pipe tobacco I had indulged in with this pipe is making me feel some level of comfort.  I do also have to admit it is revving up my deep desire to begin smoking again, so perhaps it is a double edged sword of sorts.  But, I really need the modest comfort today, I truly do.

* * * * * 

The etiology of the healing of my battered body is interesting to me:

1.  Immediately after the fall and tumble, I lay sprawled on the parking lot pavement assessing the pain, specifically thinking through a)  Did I hit my head? (no), b) Did I slam down on one or both knees? (both), c) Although the pain is fierce in my right knee, is it a bone or ligament that has been broken or torn?  (It took me a few minutes to assess... I had to let the pain subside a bit before I tried to move my leg without putting any weight bearing force on it..... but ultimately.... I figured out that no bones were broken and no ligaments were torn.)  I basically paid no attention to my elbow, figuring it was just scrapped up.  

2.  I had ran about 4 miles when I tripped and fell.  When I finally got up, and was done cursing on the bench for a bit, I started to run the final 6 or so miles after the fall, I started out somewhat gingerly as my knee was still feeling a lot of pain, but over the first additional mile, the pain began to dissipate and I was back up to nearly my normal speed of running  (roughly 7 mph (11.5 kph)) by the time I hit the next mile.  When I was finished with the 10 total miles, my leg felt 95% normal.  But I knew that was an illusion.  

3.  By the time I arrived at the U, my knee was feeling a bit achy and stiff.  I took one asprin.  My knee remained achy and stiff the rest of the day, but I expected that.  

4.  Tuesday was the worst.  As I predicted it would, my knee became a bit swollen by Monday evening.  Again, I anticipated it.... but the swelling was far less than the swelling I had occur in my knee when I had a similar damnable tripping accident  at the latter part of Spring.  But, upon awakening the swelling was still there, so I started slowly on my run.... and in fact because of the severe frost and the potential for slippery spots, I chose to run on the abominable treadmill.  I slowly worked up to normal speed and completed the 10 miles (~16 km) and at that time my knee felt fine.  But, again, I know how this goes.... by the time I arrived at the U, the stiffness and ache had returned and were stronger than on Monday... especially when climbing flights of stairs.

5.  Today.... pretty much the same..... sore and slightly swollen this morning, but after running my 10 miles, I felt fine.  And, now as the day has progressed, only a small amount of the stiffness and ache has returned.  I predict on Friday that any pain or discomfort will be minimal and by Saturday I will not notice anything amiss.... other than kneeling when at Mass.  That often takes 2-3 weeks to before it is not uncomfortable.  There is something about the pressure points when kneeling that seems to perfectly align with where I strike my patella (knee caps) when I do fall.     

* * * * *

I was thinking about television sitcoms today.  Not sure why.  While I have watched MANY sitcoms over the course of my life, and there are MANY enjoyable ones.... there are THREE sitcoms that I would consider the best ones to elicit uproarious laughter from me:

"I Love Lucy" - the immortal classic.  Even today, nearly 70 years later, damn near every episode will cause me laugh-out-loud sorts of laughter.  

"The Dick Van Dyke Show" - too wonderful beyond words.  Featuring to distinctly different environments both equally uproariously funny to me....  a)  the home life, with Mary Tyler Moore (in her most amazing beauty) portraying Dick's wife, and b) the office life, with Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie..... two comedians worth their weight in gold. 

"Seinfeld" - the perfect absurdist comedy.  Even though only a neophyte 30 years old.... I do not think there is a single episode (sans the Finale) that will not have me rolling on the floor with laughter.  

Again, do not get me wrong.... there are a lot of good comedies I have watched over the years that I LIKE..... but none are of the quality of "I Love Lucy", "The Dick Van Dyke Show", nor "Seinfeld". These three would receive an "A" from me.  

 A few others off the top of my head that I have liked (and would probably rank a "B" grade include:

1. Make Room for Daddy (probably a "B+")

2.  Father Knows Best

3.  Leave it to Beaver

4.  The Patty Duke Show

5.  Green Acres (probably a "B+")

6.  That Girl

7.  Family Affair (mostly for the delight of watching Sebastian Cabot)

8.  The Lucy Show  (probably a "B+")

9.  The Lucille Ball Show

10.  Brady Bunch

11.  Partridge Family

12.  Mary Tyler Moore Show  (probably a "B+")

13.  Sanford & Son

14.  All in the Family

15.  Chico and the Man

16.  Maude

17.  Rhoda

18.  Alf

19.  The Cosby Show

20.  Big Bang Theory (probably a "B+")

Of course, I have seen many other sitcoms as well.... but most others were, to me, average, at best.  (Perhaps a "C" or "D" grade).    

I would like to hear what you think of my list... and would like to hear what you think are the best situation comedies.  

PipeTobacco

Ugh.

Cheating on an exam is an reprehensible thing.  The loss of a person's integrity by cheating is just atrocious beyond measure.  No damn grade is worth the loss of a person's integrity.  

I am reasonably good at rooting out cheating, and because of the care I take in making my exams and their many "versions" I have not had many cases of cheating over my many decades of teaching.  But, a new form of cheating appears to have arisen.

At the U, there is a "Disability Services" office where students can be evaluated for "conditions" that that fall under some sort of legislation that would allow the student special test accommodations (like taking an exam in a quiet room, read aloud exams,  extra time on exams, etc.) .... anyone in education knows the litany of potential accommodations that may occur.  

Well, I had a student who just recently (half way through the semester) qualified for accommodations in the Disability Services office.  She "earned" the option of both an isolated, quiet space and time extension (due to a potential "Attention Deficit Disorder").   But, apparently this student did not know the U's Disability Services office will video record the student during the exam.  While taking her exam, she pulled out and was using her cell phone to look up answers. I was notified by the office this morning.

The gall of this is appalling.  

PipeTobacco

BAM!

 

It all took about 1-2 seconds from start to finish.

I was out running at 4:45am, and with the overcast sky, it was pitch black out.  I know to be careful on the sidewalks, and so I ended up getting to the trail safely.  The trail also, is pitch black at this time of morning.  So, as is my pattern, I ran the two or so miles down the trail and then I worked my way into a very large parking lot that when I run its circumference is roughly 1/2 mile of distance.  Parking lots are not particularly fun to run it.... but at this time of year.... they have one very, very valuable thing.... they are lit with parking lot lamps.  

So, I thought I was free and clear.... I was in the lighted parking lot and could run a bunch of vacuous circles to get in my distance.  I hit mile 4, when....... BAM!   I tumbled forward and landed on my knees and elbows.

Damn, it hurt like hell!  I cursed so, so many, many words I normally do not say.  I became angry again at God for this fall, and also for all the crap I have been going through as of late.  

The parking lot had recently been repaved.  There was one small area where a wooden post had been planted in the parking lot long, long ago.  This post had been sawn off quite a while ago, but because it is wood, it swelled up a bit (perhaps an inch or so above the rest of the parking lot surface).   Until the repaving, it was easy to spot because it was wood colored.  But, in the repaving, it became black like the rest of the asphalt, and I somehow did not see it when I was running... but my damn toe caught the edge of it, causing my tumble.   

I got up, sat on a nearby bench and cursed for another 10 minutes or so until most of the immediate pain in my knee subsided.  Then I got up, and finished the remaining six miles I needed to stay on track.  

My right knee is a bit swollen, both knees are scabbed, and both of my elbows are scabbed as well.

I VERY MUCH would like to have a pipe for solace right now.  Stupid, yes... but it is what I would like.

PipeTobacco   

All Souls Day

 

Even though "All Souls Day" officially occurred on November 1st..... as is also the custom in our Parish... during the Sunday Mass, following Intercessions we will read the names of all in our Parish who have died between November 1st of the previous year until today.  And, after each name is read, we have a close relative of the deceased light a large votive candle during this part of the Mass to remember the departed family member.  

We had 33 people pass away in this last year from our Parish, which is a relatively small Catholic Parish..  That is significantly more than most years.  Many of the people passed away from Covid-19.  It was especially heartbreaking to see one parishioner who lost three siblings at different times across the year.  And, equally harsh was when one younger family came three different times as well to light a candle as they  also lost three different loved ones.  

* * * * * 

• I have been thinking a lot about the many years of getting ready to head to "deer camp" with my father-in-law during this time of the year.  The camaraderie, fun, drinking, card playing, and of course ample pipe smoking were always a beautiful highlight of Fall.  Even though I only half-heartedly went out actually hunting.... since I do not personally like venison.... I did help many successful hunters in our camp over the years in the cleaning and quartering of their deer.... and they were quite impressed with my skills (as an animal oriented biologist, I have quite careful, clean, and accurate dissection skills).   They would often eventually also want to share venison or venison sausage with me later on.  I would accept their gifts, and my wife would eat some of the sausage, but I would mostly give it to other relatives.  

 

• I am having to drive my wife to her special optometry appointment later today.  She has to have a special examination due to her significant diabetes.  It is always a worrisome time.  She is set to have her eyes become extremely dilated so they can quite intimately examine her retina.  Last year, she had some worrisome bleeding in her retina which fortunately resolved after a few weeks, but she has not been doing much if anything to try to help/potentially stabilize and even potentially reverse her diabetes... so it could be rough today.  I do not know how to help her become motivated to do the things she can to help her diabetes.  A lot of her resistance is due to her upbringing which was very traditional "meat-and-potatoes" with lots of fat and sweets.  But, part of it is also her reaction to the stresses she too is facing about the issue I cannot write about. She has been equally as hurt and stressed about the situation as I have.  Her sister who is older and even less compliant has some significant visual issues and circulatory issues and I am very fearful my wife is heading down the same path.  

• I sometimes imagine "worst case scenarios" when I think about future events.... in order to have some ability to feel at least a bit "prepared" if things go to hell.  But, I try to not think about retirement sometimes because I am too fearful my wife may not make it, and may become either incapacitated or may develop dementia (sadly this seems to run in her family).  

 

• Covid-19 has seemed to really affect veterinarians.... perhaps due to many folks adopting pets they never had before.  My beloved pooch has developed a rather firm bump near her shoulder blade and it is worrisome to me.  I called at the middle of October about this to made an appointment to bring her in, and the EARLIEST they could schedule me was November 19th.  I get nervous about her as well and think this wait is excessive, but what can I do?  

I seem a bit stymied at how to try to work to further reduce my stress.  Running 10-11 miles a day is essential and has been helping of course, as I have said many times.  Yet, sometimes the stress just seems to keep piling on with no avenue to abate it lately.   My current running shoes have over 1000 miles (1600km) on them, and I probably should be finding time to purchase a replacement pair.  It feels like I have very likely pounded the soles utterly flat.  

PipeTobacco

Fall Hunger

 

I am currently in a state of mind where I want to eat constantly. I fully understand why I am in this state at the moment, but it does not really make it any easier. 

There are several facets to my UTTERLY RAVENOUS, NEARLY INSATIABLE APPETITE currently: 

1.  I have always been a "big eater".  This is why around ~21 years ago I weighed my largest at ~290 pounds (~132 kg ; ~21 stone).  I now work to maintain my weight between 160-165 pounds (~73 kg ; ~11.5 stone), and have been successful in doing so for many, many years.  

2.  Biologically, when you live in a Northern environment, the Fall transition to colder temperatures induces a drive to eat more in most animals.  It is akin to the idea of putting on a layer of "fat" to help during the harsh and fast approaching Winter.  

3.  Current emotional stressors in my family (in the realm of those I mentioned I cannot talk about) also psychologically encourage me to "stress eat" which had always been a "coping" mechanism I used when experiencing high stress throughout most of my life. To purposefully retrain myself to NOT STRESS EAT was perhaps one of the hardest tasks I have had to learn in my whole experience working to have a normal BMI.  And, even though I am far, far better at NOT stress eating than I have ever been in the earlier part of my life..... it is still very damn hard to avoid when I am heavily emotionally stressed, especially emotional stressors concerning family.  I am still trying to persevere to the best of my abilities, but I have to admit some failures in this regard.  Two days ago, for instance, I ate half of a fairly large bag of roasted, cinnamon & sugar coated pecans my wife had purchased although I wasn't really hungry.  Yesterday, I ate a small bag of "trail mix" containing peanuts, M&Ms, raisins, cashews even though I wasn't really hungry.   

4.  Halloween Candy is another stressor currently.   We had relatively fewer "trick-or-treaters" this year than usual due to rather harsh weather.... which means we had MORE than the usual amount of left over candy.  I try to avoid eating this candy, and typically even bag it up and ask my wife to hide it where I will not know where it is, so she can access it when she wants, but I cannot.  But, I have to admit I have eaten perhaps 6 "Fun Size" mini candy bars since Halloween even though I wasn't really hungry. 

So.... FOOD is a challenge for me currently.  But I have tried to take some actions to help me as well:

1.  The primary way I am working to help me, is that I KNOW I need/require the act of eating/chewing TO help me reduce stress.... but if I eat only when hungry, and eat only healthy foods, there would not be any real problem.... even if I eat a lot of food.  

2.  My typical daily salad these days is usually a heaping mountain of salad that is housed in an 8X8 inch glass cake baking pan.  The total amount of dressing I typically put on a salad of that proportion is perhaps 1-3 teaspoons.  I am fortunate in not really liking a heavy application of dressing.  

3.  My daily intake of air-popped popcorn these days is also huge. We have a huge, round bottomed, stainless steel bowl that is ~14 inches in diameter and I fill that with air-popped popcorn most evenings these days.  

4.  My already considerable fluid intake is further enhanced.  Most days, I will now drink about ~200 ounces of fluids (coffee, water, some diet pop) a day.   

5.  The above helps me to eat normal sized portions of the regular foods I eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

If I can just wrangle in the few slip-ups and not let them happen again, I should be ok.  But, the family stress... the timing of the year, and my especially strong weakness for both nuts and for chocolate candy.... have made it quite challenging.  The one bright spot is that my one OTHER (third) major food weakness..... PIZZA... has not been around in our house lately, so that has not created the horrible trifecta of food temptations for  me. Those three items..... nuts, chocolate candy, and pizza.... those are the three food items I have never yet been able to develop a consistent ability to eat in normal portions.  If I see these items around the house, I tend to over indulge. 

PipeTobacco 

 

Overslept

Sadly, I have accidentally overslept this morning and it has made considerable challenges for my day.

I did not yet run, and will have to find some time to fit it in later in the late afternoon.

Oversleeping also skewed my timing today for a lot of different class related projects I had been planning to work on BEFORE class.

I have several groups of high school students coming to campus on Friday and I am supposed to provide them a "gee-whiz" lab tour.  Unfortunately, I have to figure that out as well today. 

I am already exhausted and want to go back to bed.  It will be a rough day, I fear.

PipeTobacco

2,345+

Thus far, as of today, I have ran 2,345+ miles this year (I like the 2.3.4.5 number..... when I finished my 10 miles today, I had completed 2,349 miles (~3,780 km)).   Nothing Earth shattering of course, but not too damn shabby for an old guy like me.

* * * * * 

Trying to stay as emotionally "even-keel" as possible.  I will try to do this by simply keeping my nose to the grindstone so-to-speak.... just doing the work I need to, doing the other tasks I need to, and trying to not think a lot about things.  I am not sure if it is always the best strategy, but I think it is a reasonable one for me today.  

* * * * * 

I tried to listen/watch the Capuchin Daily Mass this morning, but there was some sort of glitch in the system and I could not get the Mass to play.  I hope this is not an indication of any sort of plan to stop recording these Masses, as they have been wonderful for me.  Instead, I listened to the Catholic Music Channel I created on Pandora.  

* * * * * 

I am carrying a 1/4 bend Dr. Grabow Grand Duke pipe in the pocket of my sport coat today while I traipse around to my various lectures and other tasks.  It has been a few months since I carried a pipe with me.  It just felt like a comfort of sorts to have it with me today.  

PipeTobacco

Not As....

In regards to the situation that has me and my family in an emotional state of gloom, there has been one very small "brighter" spot that occurred yesterday that has made the situation just a small shade less horrible.  I am still spending virtually all of my time trying to help change/fix the situation, but also have to work to not become further hurt in the process.

 * * * * *

Bulleted list of varied thoughts:

• I ran a shorter distance this morning, only 10 miles (~16km).  I ended up waking up a later than intended, and did not start running until about 6:20am.  This later awakening has made all day feel rushed and chaotic.
  

  

• I have created a new channel in my Pandora that focuses on music from the Catholic Church.  It has been pleasant and helpful to me,  and I listen to it most days while running and praying the rosary. 

 

• I miss swimming.

 

• I am very thankful that I NOW FINALLY have a wireless microphone (that I purchased) and have received permission (and instructions on how) to use it in the big lecture halls for the two largest of my classes.  This microphone has helped save my voice.  The long, laborious instructions are NEEDED to successfully bypass the myriad of firewalls, and other electronic security features that the lecture hall computer system has to prevent any "tampering" with it.... including adding other devices.  Every lecture when I am done for the day, and shut down the computer in the lecture hall, the computer goes into a "reset" so that the next day when I am in there, I need to take another 10 minutes going through the instructions to get the microphone to work again.  But it is worth it.  Getting the permission and instructions took far longer than really needed, but I am glad to have this option now instead of having to shout with all my might to be heard across the entirety of the big lecture hall while wearing a mask.

 

• I miss playing in my community band.  When practice and the concerts moved inside a few weeks ago, I had to make the carefully thought-through decision to refrain from participating... due to Covid-19 issues.  Because of my wife's risk factors, I cannot take the chance of practicing in a large group indoors and/or performing inside because I would be mask-less and being among a large number of other unmasked wind instrument players all huffing and puffing.  It simply feels like doing so would be tempting fate.  My wife and I are both vaccinated and both just recently also received our booster vaccine, but the risk to my wife in terms of coming down with Covid-19, and the risk to our family and our livelihood if *I* were to become incapacitated by Covid-19... force my hand in this situation. 

• I made a giant tub of my favorite chard and chickpea side dish yesterday.  It is a relatively easy dish for me, that I actually made up because it sounded like it would be tasty.  I was inspired to make SOMETHING a couple of years ago when I had Swiss chard lying around and no idea how to make use of it.  For this recipe I use canned chickpeas, and I heat 3-5 cans in the microwave for about 15 minutes so they are soft and tender.  Then in a large skillet, I saute (without oil) 1-2 cups of chopped onions and caramelize them so they are deeply brown.  Then I add about 1 cup of bell pepper and saute further until the peppers are tender and slightly caramelized. I then add 2-3 cloves of minced garlic, a teaspoon or so of coarse black pepper and some salt.  At that point, I drain the microwaved chickpeas and add them to the skillet.  Finally, I add around 4-5 cups of finely chopped Swiss chard to the skillet, cover, and simmer until the chard has wilted a bit.  That is it.... and it is great right out of the skillet, warm.  But, it is even better when it is ice cold from the refrigerator.  So, I store it in a large, tight-lidded container in the refrigerator and have some each day as a side-dish to supplement whatever else is planned for dinner.... all week long.   It is healthy, fat-free, delicious, and rather lightly seasoned so I can eat it with nearly any other rigorously spiced food of my choosing and it complements it well. 
  

• Last week, I found a pipe of mine that had gone missing a few years ago.  Somehow I had placed it in a little cubby-hole area deep in the back of a back room area of my research lab.  This small back room serves a dual purpose.  Part of this space is filled with file cabinets of a variety of journal articles amassed through the years.  But the other part of the room is also somewhat of a workroom of sorts for building gizmos I sometimes try to construct as a result of various different "eureka" moments of "insight" I have on how to measure or conduct some sort of rodent test that seems new or novel.  I suspect by the location of the cubby-hole where I found my errant pipe, it was placed there while I was probably drilling or sanding some contraption I had made, and I absent-mindedly left it there.  I had long wondered where this pipe was, because it is a wonderful smoker with a nice, sturdy, larger-chambered bowl and a comfortably wide stem.  It is not "beautiful" by most folk's standards... for the bowl is beat up a bit from rather heavy, but casual use.   And, the stem has a fair amount of teeth marks from being clenched between my choppers for a lot of years.  But....  it is a beautiful "work-horse" pipe to me.  I am glad I found it.  When I first found it, I gently sniffed the bowl, which had a partially smoked loading of pipe tobacco in it... and I immediately recognized it was filled with simple, non-aromatic Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco... a classic favorite.  I am glad I found this old friend.  
  

PipeTobacco  

Sort of An Update

I am concerned, angry, hurt, devastated, demoralized, deeply sad, and feel quite despondent.  The cause is due to that which I can no longer speak about here because it causes some to comment negatively, so I feel stymied about what to do/say here because the situation consumes all of my thoughts at the moment. 

* * * * *

So, what have I been doing?

1.  Running.  I have been running like hell.  It is the primary avenue I have to ATTEMPT to lower somewhat the stress and hurt that I feel.  I started my November 1/2 Marathon Run at 4:45am this morning (ran a total of 13.7 miles... 22km) and it was damn cold too (36 degrees... ~2C).

2.  Sleeping.  Whenever I can, I try to sleep, because USUALLY my mind can drift away from the pain of the situation.  Not always, because sometimes it leads to nightmares about it.  But, on some days, I either have no dreams and am away.... or I have dreams that are of normal things... both of which are a relief.

3.  Working.  Although work can and does provide its own hassles at times.  It does sometimes also force/allow me to get my mind elsewhere than the difficulty... which is a relief.

4.  Eating.  A bit of a double-edged sword, but I am eating a lot more out of stress.  But, I am doing my damnedest to overeat by eating only the healthiest non-fat, low calorie foods as possible.   The extra eating means my salad is twice its already huge size, my unbuttered air popped popcorn is twice its size, and every raw or steamed vegetable I eat is twice its size or more compared to normal.  The act of eating helps to diminish stress to a degree, but it is hard also because my wife is doing similarly.... but is eating a large array of junk foods to cope, which I emotionally WANT to do too, but I cannot if I want to remain at a normal BMI and not return the ~135 pounds back on my body.

That is about it.

PipeTobacco