I Believe I Need To....

In thinking about how to get out of the mood I am in, I have decided that I need to try to plan into my day or week some of the things I wish to work towards becoming in my life.  As a way to start this out, I want to list some of the things I have been contemplating and wanting to work towards:

1.  Getting rid of my smoking a pipe for good.

2.  Spending more time having FUN with my wife, and not just doing the day-to-day activities that need to be done.

3.  Writing creative fiction regularly.

4.  Working at learning to play more successfully either the Guitar or the Ukulele. 

5.  Getting back into a band/orchestra to play my clarinets/saxaphones.

6.  Working at work to envision and plan my leaving being the damn Department Chair and how I want to restructure my work life at the U.

Those will be my foci,

PipeTobacco

Trying to Start 2018 Better

It has been a while since my last post.  But, in many ways things are pretty much the same as they have been since about the end of October.... rough.  But, as with many things, one can grow used to hardship and uncertainty.  I am of a mindset where I am trying to again "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and carry on and try to do good things for folks and to try to be content. 

My elderly father-in-law is not improving.  He is now in a nursing home where he is able to receive physical therapy.  However, it appears that he has given up and does not want to try to recover.  Physically he does not have any fatal illnesses.... most notably no critical heart issues nor cancer.  He has the potential to work to gain back his strength, but he does not appear to want to do so.  He has grown weak from his hospital stay and has not been eating much (because he does not like the food), which makes him continue to grow weaker.  I believe he is depressed.  I believe he just does not want to try.  It is very sad.  I unfortunately believe now that he will not work to try and return to strength and that he will pass away in the next month or two.  It both saddens me and frustrates me greatly.  I wish he would try, because if he would try, he would have ~90% chance to be back to his former self.  He is also refusing medication that could help quell his apparent depression and my mother-in-law is not pushing for him (as I believe she should) to take this medication.  I have not been able to figure out any way to help.  My wife is feeling the pain of this greatly and it is extremely difficult for her and she is often emotionally on edge.  I too feel very sad about how things have gone in this regard and I keep trying to figure out a way to "fix" this, but there is really no where for me to help that I can see. 

I am still running my 28 miles a week.  During the time off between the semesters at the U, it is a little bit more of a struggle to fit in the run, but I have been managing.  Many places where I have been able to run indoors are closed during this time of year, so I have had to be more creative to figure it out.  I am determined to keep being consistent however, even when I do not want to.  So, I keep figuring out some way to get the exercise in. 

I think this will be my post for now.  I will begin to outline some of my ideas for my future and my efforts to pull myself back out of the abyss. 

PipeTobacco

Well, things are perlerry mich the same.  My FIL is still ill with apsis again and mayo have a surgery fit fluid around the pericardial sac. I am still doing mu running and still trying to do the work I. Res to do.  I am working to find some joy.  I feel downtrodden about so much.  But, I am trying to find a way out/.

Post Toasties

I am sitting on the back porch, watching the dog, pipe in hand after completing my five mile run, and I feel contemplative, but part of me wants to avoid contemplation.  I feel emotionally more average than I have in several weeks, but I am not the contented, happy person I wish to be either.

During this time since before Thanksgiving, I felt a low that was so harsh.  I wanted to run and hide and not be out or do anything or work at anything.  I was scared, tired, distraught, and very, very feeling utterly alone and unable to cope.  During this time, I still did all that I was supposed to do.  I took care of my family, I worked, I ran, I tried to do what was needed of me.  But, it was so utterly hard.  It seemed every thing was a huge chore.  The only reprieve I had was sleep.  And, sleep was filled with nightmares, or if there were NO nightmares, the moment I awoke, the clenching of my stomach and the rise in stress hormones made waking a harsh, almost unbearable time as well.

My FIL is in rehab.  He is doing "ok" but he needs to try harder to get stronger.  He basically does what he is told but no additional effort to try to get better.  So, I do not know what will become of him yet.  He is weak at the moment.

I really do not know how or where to proceed.  It is better being in a "nothing" state of mind, but that is not what I want for my days.  But, I am afraid to hope or to plan.  I am still exhausted just getting done what has to be done.  There are two more hard weeks left of the semester.  But then, during my break, I fully anticipate a couple of dozen crises will probably happen to spoil my limited time away from the U.

Life goes on, I guess.

PipeTobacco

Middle

I am not crying all the time anymore.  I am simply existing in a nebulous state.  It is an improvement. I wish I felt joy. But I will accept lack of emotion as much more of a relief than what I had been feeling.

PipeTobacco