I Mentioned

Yesterday, in an angry, upset state, I mentioned to my wife that I would like my sole Christmas gift to be family counseling.  

In reality, I care nothing about gifts.  I have not really "anticipated" a joy of a gift for many, many years.  But, if I could have some meaningful and helpful results from family counseling, that would be better than any gift I could imagine.  

Yet, I really have no notion of what/how counseling may be like or how it would help in our situation.  I do not know if folks would be willing.  

In my mind, I imagine that at least PART of what would transpire in counseling would be that I would be able to carefully verbalize my thoughts and beliefs with regards to our family situation.  I do not know if it would be truly heard or understood.  But, at some level, I want to be able to verbalize it.  

I tend to doubt it will happen. Just another pipe dream, IMO.

PipeTobacco

$4!7 !!! vs Serenity

 

Not really much has changed.  It is still rough.  I am having a very hard time with the situation I am no longer talk about here.

Suffice it to say, I am physically, and EMOTIONALLY very much subpar.  I cannot change anything about what is happening.  I would like to holler, yell, cuss, scream.  I would like to run away and never look back.  It often feels so profoundly hopeless and that affects every waking moment.  I sleep, and as long as I do not have nightmares, I awake refreshed.  But, then reality sets in and I am transformed to feeling immediately sad and upset.  

Yet, there is really nothing I can do about any of it.  I feel voiceless for many reasons.  

So.  What to do?  

There is nothing I can do about IT.  The best I can do is to try to sooth myself, and try to look outside of this pain.  So, that is what I am going to try to focus on and try to do.

In the past, working to do this (sooth myself, look outside the pain) often took huge amounts of energy to accomplish.  I guess in some way that makes sense.  But it was hard to do anything beyond getting to that starting point.  But it is all I can try.  I can try to become better at this, so perhaps I will be able to eke out more time and somehow find a balance.  I never, ever expected my later years to be like this.  I do not have (or HOPEFULLY have not YET acquired) the skills to cope with this successfully.  

I wish I could paraphrase this better, but there was a story I remember hearing from a rabbi about the idea of basically.... yes, we are called to do good, but we cannot ONLY focus on that.  God has given us so many things to enjoy during our time on Earth, that it would be a sin to not experience at least some of them.  Again, this is poorly worded, and it was more impactful in how I had heard it, but this was the gist of the story.  If anyone knows a link to that relatively well-known story, please let me know.  

But, I think I HAVE to learn to behave more in the fashion that this rabbi speaks.  I have to be better at looking beyond what hurts I am experiencing and also not ONLY work to get things done and to help others.  I need to figure out how to ROUTINELY take time to experience things that give me joy again.  

It USED to be that my FAMILY was my JOY.  That is not currently the case.  My WIFE is my JOY, but we do not get to spend as much time together as I would like and as I need.  And, I need more ways to experience and feel joy by doing things I love.... FOR ME.  

Running used to be a joy.  It has not been for the last few months.  I am hoping to make it so again. I do it now..... not from joy.... but simply to try to tire myself out so my hurt and anger are less.  

The Retiree's Cigar Group is currently a joy.  But, when my schedule changes next semester, I will miss out because of timing.  

I am rambling.  I think I will stop for now.  

PipeTobacco

Just/Unjust

It was a sour weekend.  I struggled to pull myself out of the feelings of despair.  My wife was feeling similarly, but not to the depth I was.  We tried to go swimming on Saturday, but had misread the time and arrived just as they were closing.

The three points of the weekend that were "regular" and felt normal were a) Mass on Saturday evening, b) visiting my MIL after Mass to talk and bring her Communion, c) swimming on Sunday.  

On Saturday morning, I forced myself to run some extra miles.  I was hoping to have them clear my mind and help my mood.  They did not do so.  

The Retiree Cigar Group was pleasant last Thursday.  Then Friday happened and it was just beyond rough since.  I struggled to try to find any meaning in getting up to run this morning and also struggled to find any meaning to go to work this morning.  Neither seem important, nor valuable.  I did them because it is "expected" of me to do so.  

As seems logical, my damn TMJ has been acting up in the worst possible ways the last several days.  I am wearing one of my bite splints basically 24/7 at the moment (other than when eating) just to keep the pain and discomfort more manageable.  

Most of the time, all I want to do is sleep.  Yet, that is "great" in terms of a) waisting away my life, and b) even though when I get to sleep, I can usually be blissfully outside of my hurts.... my dreams the last few days would intrusively turn towards the painful emotions, and I would awaken tense and exhausted. 

So.  That is about all there is.

PipeTobacco  

More

More sh*t hitting the fan.

Some days, I just do not care anymore.

I never imagined my life would become like this.  I thought all the love I gave, all the work I have done, all the effort I have put forth... would at least allow my later years to be relatively peaceful and moderately consistent.  But, this point in my life feels like I am living in the Chernobyl exclusion zone. 

The thing I no longer talk about is at the forefront, but asinine work things are also into play. And, the anniversary of my colleague committing suicide also occurred, and a j*ck*ss in the Department who did not like the fellow made a rather flippant comment about the fellow that rankled me.

And, to top it off.... I have to attend a mandatory luncheon today.... and eat sh*t I do not want to eat (or look like an imbecile by not eating).  And, I did not run this morning as I was being an idiot and trying to avoid getting up to start this "glorious" day I have ahead.  

The only thing I am looking forward to is going to bed this evening.  The fellow's apparent mood in the image above is rather exuberant and jovial compared to my mindset at the moment.

PipeTobacco 

Cold Rain

 

It is a cold and very rainy 41 degrees (~5 Celcius).  And, it is not expected to change temperature-wise, nor rain-wise all day.   It is 9:30am, and it is still quite limited in light outside due to the heavy cloud cover.  

I did not feel like running outside in this current weather, although I probably should have done so to “toughen up” my resolve.    Instead, at 6:00am,  I went to the indoor track nearby and hoofed out my 10 miles (~16 km) in a zillion-and-a-half loops.  I listened to my Catholic Mass Music Channel on Pandora as I ran and prayed the rosary.  

Currently, in my front Office, I am eating a bowl of cold, cut fruit (cantaloupe, apples, and grapes this morning).  I have just finished eating my bowl of very high fiber cereal.  With the quantity of the cereal I eat (about 1.5 "servings" as listed on the label) I get about 25 grams of fiber from that alone,  plus all the other fiber I eat during the day.  I strive to be well above the recommended daily intake of fiber each day.  Fiber has significant benefit for gastrointestinal health, and growing evidence also suggests it stabilizes micrbiota ecosystems in the gut as well.  

I am planning/hoping to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group this afternoon.  It should be an interesting change in some ways, with it being so dark, cloudy, and rainy. The place, being in an older building in that city's downtown, it has many large picture windows.  The dark, cloudy rain will add an interesting ambiance, I suspect.  It does sound like an enjoyable, albeit rather hedonistic way to spend the afternoon.  

I am still contemplating how to best pursue my remembrance of my Dad's 101st Birthday.  All the ideas I wrote about yesterday are still "on the table".  I still have time to reason it through in my mind, which is good.  I do not relish having to make a "rash" decision.  In my imagination, I do LIKE the idea of both having a pipe at the cemetery and still going to the Retiree's Cigar Group that week.  But my conscience has me debating whether indulging my "id" in that way is wise.   

PipeTobacco

101

 

Soon, in the latter part of November will be my Dad's Birthday.  If he were still living, he would be turning 101 years old.  Last year, on his 100th Birthday, I broke my pipe fast and went to visit the cemetery where he is buried.  It was a valuable time for me.  I sat and talked to him and smoked a beautiful bowlful of Iwan Ries "Three Star Blue" pipe tobacco while there.  

I am starting to contemplate how to approach this, his 101st Birthday.  Originally, I was thinking I would most assuredly want to smoke my pipe and had been contemplating smoking a pipe at the "Retiree's Cigar Group" on the date that was closest to his Birthday.  I am not sure if that will be my plan or not.  In some ways I think it would be appropriate and fitting to do so there, but at the same time, it is also really not a "pipe gathering" and I would potentially feel "out of step" or at least quite conspicuous in deviating from the group's routine.  And, the day of the group is not actually on my Dad's actual Birthday.  But, I am still considering this.

Alternatively, I was considering a type of repeat with last year, in my going out to the cemetery, and taking a folding chair, and quietly spending time there (even though it will likely be very cold, perhaps below freezing) and again smoking my pipe and chatting with my Dad.

If I do go to the cemetery as described above, I would also want to decide beforehand if it would be appropriate or not to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group that week as well.  I do enjoy the Group a lot.  But, perhaps having both a pipe AND a cigar in the same week could be a bit worrisome in terms of that potential "slippery slope" I keep worrying about.  I have to try to reason through this a bit more.  Technically and "emotionally" the pipe and cigar are two wholly different beasts.  The pipe is sublime and infinitely superior  in ways that I am unable to cognitively describe.  The cigar is pleasant, and the Group's company is delightful, but the cigar is in no way equivalent to a pipe.  Yet, both ARE tobacco... so there lies the conundrum of sorts.  

* * * * *

I just realized that with this being my father's upcoming 101st Birthday, that it is interesting to note that he was part of the 101st Airborne Division in World War II.  He was part of the Invasion of Normandy, and this is where he was injured in battle (shot) and earned a purple heart.  Although his war experiences were almost never discussed, and therefore my experience of him is just as my Dad.... I do have his medals framed in my home.   

PipeTobacco

Trying Again

Today, I am STARTING ON GOOGLE and not in FireFox, the usual browser I do most things with.  So, the post SHOULD post uneventfully.

BRIEF synopsis of yesterdays initial reply about comments related to the election.  Very abbreviated.... as I am rather tired of having politics be my focus.... since I cannot really do a damn thing about them anyhow:

• IMO, the slide of a portion of the blue collar folks in the "Blue Wall" states of Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, (and Ohio)... began in the utterly horrendous Reagan era.  Reagan did more to destroy the livelihood of the middle class in the "Blue Wall" than just about anyone.  He busted unions which lead to the sharp, SHARP decline in Steel and Automobile jobs in the "Blue Wall".  Unfortunately, Reagan.... who was equally as incoherent in communication as DJT is now.... had some sort of sinister "pied piper" ability to (with his SOUND BITES) get all manner of middle class folks to adore and love him.... all the while he screwed them over.  
• Again, my postulate is that for a helluva lot of blue collar folks, SOUND BITES are all they focus on (because perhaps of day-to-day life being too hectic, or lack of focus, or in terms of only mild interest in examining the machinations of politics).  So, Reagan's SOUND BITES started to cleave away some of the blue collar folks because his SOUND BITES sounded funny, cutesy, patriotic, etc.  even though his policies decimated the middle class.  
• But, the Democrats did not do a whole helluva lot better, especially in the 90s.  Bill Clinton, who may have done a variety of good things.... sure screwed over a lot of the declining middle class in the "Blue Wall" during his tenure by supporting NAFTA and GATT.  He STARTED the Democratic Party's change to basically IGNORING the blue collar folks broadly, but especially in the "Blue Wall" states.  With NAFTA and GATT, a lot of blue collar folks slid further down the economic ladder and as a result felt declining loyalty to the Democratic Party.  
• The ignoring for the most part, the blue collar "Blue Wall" folks by the Democratic Party... who HAD BEEN traditionally the biggest, most ardent parts of the Democratic Party in the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s....  THAT IS THE ROOT CAUSE FOR WHAT WE HAVE TODAY.
• The ONLY victories the Democratic Party has had in the 2000s have been Obama and Biden.  Obama was able to win because HE had tremendous charisma, and a message of INCLUSION FOR EVERYONE that drew a lot of the blue collar folks back temporarily.  Gore, Hillary Clinton, and Harris.... all WONDERFUL political leaders... LOST.... not because of any failing of their work or ability.... but because each of them accepted and anticipated blue collar support without courting the blue collar folks to help them feel included.  Biden (barely) squeezed out a win, because of his association with Obama AND Biden's own very pro support of blue collar folks that was very evident from his work from the 1970s.  
  

* * * * *

Now to more normal, and for me, more enjoyable things:

• My running shoes are shot.  But, I hate them anyhow.  They are the newest model of the brand I have ran in for all my running.  But this latest design has a purposeful "high heel" design that is suppossed to train runners to "run on their front foot" and not their heels (a "trendy" new concept).  But, I hate it.  This design makes me feel like I am falling forward all the time, and I believe it has been ultimately the reason for my tripping and falling.  So, I tossed them aside after ~1,500 miles and pulled older, earlier model shoes that had ~1,600 miles and tried to run with them.  They have a more flat foot & heel design.  And, it felt SO MUCH BETTER, even though these shoes were shot-to-hell also.  So.... I have now searched and found a model of the shoe that is NOT the current model, but the previous model.  My own earlier model shoe was of a variety TWO model cycles ago.  I am hoping this new pair of shoes of the in-between model is of the flat foot & heel design..... I will see after they arrive and I can try them on.  
• My time last week at the Retiree's Cigar Group was WONDERFUL!  I indulged in an Arturo Fuente Robusto cigar and it was delightfully creamy, smooth, and flavorful.  I think it was perhaps the best cigar I have ever had.  Do not get me wrong.... it was NOT a pipe, and any pipe would surpass its beauty.  But, it was very nice.  And the camaraderie was very relaxing and enjoyable.  

PipeTobacco

Damn

I did it again.  I have this issue where Firefox will not accept images in Blogger, so I switch over to Google to put in images and write there.  But, if I do not delete what I started with Firefox, it deletes the whole damn thing.  So.... unfortunately, the pleasant, longer post I actually had for "2+ Regular" did not post and now it is lost for eternity.  

I will have to try again tomorrow. (sigh)

PipeTobacco

2 + Regular

 

Why We Unfortunatley Do Not Have Harris, IMO

I tend to not like writing or discussing politics much.  I tend to do so in a rather limited way.  Today will be an (unfortunate?) exception:

So..... I have hemmed and hawed a bit about sitting down to write this.  Part of me thought it really did not matter any longer what my opinion was about why Harris/Walz lost the election..... unfortunately DJT is the upcoming President regardless of my opinion.  But, part of me feels it is valuable for me to get these ideas out of my head, so I am going to do so via bullet points:

• First..... Harris/Walz was a GREAT team and I very much like both Harris and Walz.  They would have been very good leaders of the nation.
• I also very firmly believe that Harris and Harris/Walz BOTH did a great job in getting their important messages out.  In other words.... I think the Harris/Walz campaign was VERY GOOD. 
• I truthfully DO NOT think the Harris/Walz campaign did anything wrong.

 

• I believe the Democratic Party prevented Harris/Walz from attaining victory BECAUSE the Democratic Party has alienated a portion of the population who HAD BEEN steadfast Democrats for decades.   These alienated folks are of a sizable enough percentage of the voters that this unfortunately shifted the vote (especially in the former "Blue Wall" states) to DJT and away from the Harris/Walz team.
  
• The Democratic Party has alienated an important percentage of folks that we often call the Blue Collar Workforce. 

 

•  Here is what the Democratic Party does not do well..... it DOES NOT ADEQUATELY PROMOTE MESSAGES OF INCLUSION to Blue Collar folks in the right way.  
• Being a Blue Collar worker is damn hard much of the time.  Blue Collar folks do not tend to have a huge amount of time nor inclination for a lot of introspection.  Hell, in the modern world, not having a lot of time for introspection is something EVERYONE lacks.... but it affects the Blue Collar folks even more as many do not have a strong INCLINATION towards introspection in their day-to-day life
• What little INCLUSIVE messages the Democratic Party has given to Blue Collar folks has typically been in the form of long-winded essays (perhaps like this post itself), where it takes a long time to get to the heart of the matter.
• Most Blue Collar folks focus on SOUND BITES.  And most of the SOUND BITE messages from the Democratic Party over the last 20 years has been focused on the smaller groups of folks who also very legitimately want, need, and find a home in the Democratic Party..... the extreme poor, the abused groups of all sorts, etc.  These smaller groups are what the Democratic Party has rallied around (justly) to assure they are included.   And that is GREAT.
• But, having the LION'S SHARE of the Democratic Party's focus and the Democratic Party's SOUNDBITES be about only those smaller groups.... it opened the window of opportunity for DJT to exploit the feelings the Blue Collar folks felt about being left behind or ignored in favor of other groups..... and with DJT's proclivity for ONLY speaking in a word salad of SOUND BITES, he was able to attract a large enough percentage of Blue Collar folks to his camp..... even though as we can recognize, the SOUND BITES DJT throws out, are typically the polar opposite of what becomes the Republican Party's real effort.     

 

• Yet, there is, IMO, still more. The Democratic Party's emphasis on VERY LEGITIMATE AND VERY REALISTIC foci on the rights of the various groups in the last 20 years that have needed extra help in support of their causes..... the "Me Too" movement for highlighting sexual abuse, the various "LGBTQ+" causes for acquiring very legitimate rights, and the "Defund the Police" movement to force accountability of our nation's law enforcement and legal systems...... while EACH is critically valuable and important..... each of those also inadvertently had aspects of their efforts that without meaning to, became thought of as being ANTI-the core Blue Collar base of the Democratic Party because of the way the SOUND BITES came to be heard.
• Blue Collar men, for instance, would regularly hear SOUND BITES that were suggesting "all men" were bad, or that all "police" were bad.  
• Blue Collar folks male and female would often hear that because they had or wanted to have a relatively traditional family unit, and they may ascribe to a traditional faith.... that they were bad.
• Again, these are the SOUND BITES that have been heard.... often in times of anger or protest.... and they are very INCOMPLETE representations (and in fact, typically distortions) of the more elaborate/complete messages meant by the smaller groups.  The deeper, more elaborate messages of the groups I mention above (Me Too, LGBTQ+, Defund the Police, and others as well) are ALL very legitimate, are ALL very important, and are ALL important parts of the Democratic Party.  DO NOT GET ME WRONG in my support of them.
• BUT.... the deeper, more elaborate messages ARE NOT what a sizable percentage of Blue Collar folks had the time nor inclination to wade through.  Instead, they took in and heard the SOUND BITES... and the SOUND BITES could be easily perceived as suggesting.... "YOU DO NOT MATTER TO THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY".  That is the sound bite message many of the Blue Collar folks heard.... and it is IMO a major factor in why they went and voted RED instead of BLUE.  The RED messages (their SOUND BITES only) felt inclusive to the Blue Collar folks.... and even though the RED deeper, more elaborate impacts would be horrible, that was not the focus the Blue Collar folks had... the SOUND BITE messages sounded great.... and sounded like the RED party WANTED THEM

•  So, I think the BLUE WALL STATE'S gave the election to DJT because enough of the Blue Collar folks in those states felt alienated by the Democratic Party.  These folks migrated to the Republicans because their SOUND BITES felt inclusive to them.  
• I think this ignoring and taking for granted the Blue Collar folks has been an ongoing issue since at least 2000.  
• I think this resulted in Al Gore losing in 2000.  
• I think this resulted in Hillary Clinton losing in 2016.
• I think this resulted in Kamala Harris losing in 2024.
• I believe Barack Obama was able to avoid losing for this Blue Collar reason because his campaign was televised far more widely and his SOUND BITES rang always of universal inclusivity for everyone.
  
• I believe Biden was able to win (barely) because a) he had some positive effect of "coat-tails" from being Obama's VP, and b) I think Biden also was old enough, that a percentage of many Blue Collar folks recognized his long-term historic support of Blue Collar folks since the early 1970s, and c) I feel Biden was also helped by how the craziness of the DJT years were still being FELT by the Blue Collar Folks.... and this swayed a few back temporarily to the Democratic Party.   

•  So.... to conclude.... I am a Democrat.  I believe in their goals and objectives.  I think Harris/Walz was a great team.  They tried damn hard, but in their limited few months…. they could not convince Blue Collar folks who have had a lot of negative soind bites thrown at them the last 20 years by their Democratic Party…. there was not enough time to overcome those 20 years of messages.  The  Democratic Party does, IMO, a piss-poor job of being as inclusive in their COMMUNICATION to ALL likely members of the Democratic Party as they should be.  They should be spouting just as many SOUND BITES about the important needs of and their goals to help the Blue Collar folks as they have been successfully doing for other groups.  If they had kept the Blue Collar folks feeling a part of the Democratic Party... the election win would have been easy.

Very interestingly.... much of what I had been thinking and trying to write out in the above..... was pretty damn similar to what Bernie Sanders actually published yesterday.  I have always admired Bernie Sanders.  I would have really liked to have our society have a term or two where Bernie Sanders would have been President.

PipeTobacco

Blue

The election results are, IMO, quite unfortunate for the U.S. and globally.

 I voted for Harris/Walz.  

This REALLY should have been an easy election for the Democrats to win.  Both Harris and Walz are good, caring people with intelligence.

I have what I believe is a very legitimate theory to explain WHY Harris/Walz did not ultimately win.  I am hoping in the next day or two to try to write out why I think the outcome is as it is.  Yesterday, I mentioned how I really "didn't care" who would win anymore.  I still voted for Harris/Walz because I felt it was intellectually the right and correct choice.  That statement of "didn't care" was a bit of hyperbole.... but also did spoke of some true feelings as well.  I will have more ideas to share on this in the next couple of days, I think. 

PipeTobacco

Just Down

I am just really down.

It is so hard to force myself to do the things I need to do lately.'

Last Thursday was VERY pleasant at the Retiree's Cigar Group.  One bright spot in an otherwise gloomy time.

The person I no longer write about was in rare form Saturday, and it colored my Saturday, my Sunday, and into now.

My secretary screwed up one version of one of my exams I gave yesterday.  I was not able to catch it since she did not have the exams ready until about 10 minutes before class.  This class has about 150 students, with five versions.  One version had many, many mistakes (including two questions labeled as #43).  Instead of the work I needed to do yesterday afternoon, I had to spend the hours figuring out what the hell she did to this exam so I could create a new, separate answer key for grading so this subset of the class would be graded fairly.  It was annoying and not what I wanted to do.  And, she had this exam for over THREE WEEKS to prepare.  This new secretary (she has been here 3 years) leaves a lot to be desired.  I miss my old friendly secretary who was very meticulous.  She retired three years ago.  

I voted this morning.  I honestly do not care anymore who wins.  I just want the election to be over.  But, of course it will not be over for months and months no matter who wins.  I cannot bear to watch news any longer because it is just too much stupid politics.  I cannot listen to my friendly NPR because it is ALL damn politics.  

PipeTobacco