As Per Usual

 

As per usual, when I miss multiple days of posting, something has usually gone amiss.  I really do not have the physical nor emotional energy to try to explain what has been afoot.  So, for this time, I will simply leave it lay and try to ignore and move on.

Today, I will attempt to answer a few recent comments:

Pat stated (two segments quoted):

"your comments about trust and discussion are fine and laudable, but aren't you omitting (or perhaps just taking for granted or otherwise assuming) a vital preliminary step? If there has been a breach, pushing for an unwanted discussion will only increase the breach. And until there is mutual empathy between you and the person with whom you seek discussion, any "discussion" will be more like two monologues rather than a true discussion."  and then a second part quoted  "If you vulnerably share how YOU are thinking and feeling, that shouldn't put the other person on the defensive, as it's your self-disclosure, not a judgment on them. Then, once you have let the other person know what YOU are thinking and feeling, you should be able to leave it to them to choose any further discussion. If there's mutual empathy, rather than one party desiring to "win" an argument, discussion will flow naturally from that"

The quoted parts were both EXTREMELY valuable and helpful to me.  I do attempt to carefully focus on what my feelings are as opposed to saying things akin to "What YOU did, hurt me."  That idea was something that took A LOT of effort initially when I figured that aspect out several years ago.  But, the idea of leaving it to them for any further discussion as a reflection of mutual empathy..... that is NOT something I had ever thought of.  In my own childhood, it was always EXPECTED that anytime someone felt hurt, the folks around WOULD talk it through and would discuss it until there was a resolution.  I had always thought of that as NORMAL, but with your statement above about "if there is mutual empathy" really struck a chord with me.  It DOES seem that ASSUMED empathy is NOT TO BE ASSUMED.  And, as stupid as it may seem, that is a bit of a revelation for me.  I thank you.

 

AnvilClound stated:

"You think and feel pretty deeply, I think."

Yeah, I guess I am realizing that I do.  And, in many ways it feels like a handicap of sorts.  

 

Margaret stated:

(an excerpt) "...we also need to protect ourselves and our feelings. It's been hard for me over the years to write people off..."  

I think I am similar in that way.  Part of me feels I would be better off being MORE protective and also more readily able to write some folks off.  But, in the same breath, then I experience emotions related to feeling isolated and abandoned (even if I am the one doing it).  It is hard to reason through.

 

Liz Hinds stated:

"Even if all seems well I think one will always hold back a little, just in case."

 I agree with this statement too, and I believe I do that... but being so guarded also in some ways feels so taxing of the limited energy I have.  

 

PipeTobacco 

Trust

 

I do not know where I fall along the continuum about this issue, but I have been thinking some about my feelings/responses related to trust.  In my current manner of thinking, trust can occur in two different ways..... 1) trust can be HAD between people who have some sort of commitment/bond with each other....like with a husband & wife, or a parent & child, or friend-to-friend, etc.  The other type of trust.... 2) is more akin to a form of "faith" that you can have between folks with more limited relationships.... like perhaps between coworker acquaintances, or between you and a service provider individual (like a cashier you see often, or you with your clinician, or similar such interactions). Both types are very important, and often times there can be overlap between the two in terms of the relationships as well.  

I was thinking about trust, as I was (for better or worse) ruminating on some of the relationships I have had that have in some fashion, "gone sour".  And, what I ended up realizing is that in each of those relationships that have "gone sour" what I experienced is a LOSS of feeling that I could TRUST the individual.  

But, then I (again for better or worse) further examined my thoughts and memories on these sour relationships.  And, I realized more fully in my mind that (of course) all relationships CAN potentially involve one or more situations where trust may be breached in some fashion.  BUT.... and this was the key thing I recognized in myself and recognized in regards to my own psyche..... the "sourness" I would feel only would EXIST and PERSIST in my mind.... when the breach of trust WAS NOT associated with some sort of discussion of the issue with the person leading to a recognition of and an apology for the breach of trust.  In cases where this sort of discussion has occurred, the "sourness" would almost immediately dissipate.  

So..... what does that mean?  For me, the above helps me better understand the relationships I have had that have "soured".  In the ones I can bring to mind, each HAD involved a breach of TRUST for me that then never resulted in any sort of discussion nor resolution.  The former very good friend at work that I have spoken of represents a perfect example of my feelings of loss of trust.  Also the acquaintance level co-worker that I have spoken of is another perfect example of this loss of trust.  And, regrettably, the sour relationship (currently more of a minimal, surface level relationship) I have with the one kid I do not talk about here any longer.... is also sour because of the unresolved breach of trust.  

And, what does that mean for ME?  The realization of what I wrote in the above for me..... seems rather meaningful.  I think this commonality I see in these sour relationships..... the LACK OF TRUST I feel in these individuals along with the the LACK OF DISCUSSION for apology or resolution.... has me thinking about my responses.  

Trust is a very important/critical issue for me.  I realize that in my psychological makeup that if trust is lost and never resolved.....I am quite fearful/gun-shy to let that person back into my life.  I am often to a point of trying my best to avoid that person.  I do not really know if that is a good thing to do.... but I DO KNOW it is what I typically DO in that sort of situation.  

Another facet of the trust issue I realize about in those sour cases, is that in EACH case, I have TRIED on multiple occasions and in a variety of different ways.... to FOSTER a discussion about the issue after it occurred.  And, this would not be just in the heat of the moment, but in each case I can think of, at other times as well for a fairly good time frame following the event (usually over the course of a few weeks).  The avoidance or unwillingness or outright refusal to discuss the situation further would after some time become a tipping point for me, and I would then feel the hardened sense of loss of trust that then has persisted in these relationships.  

I am not sure what my goal is in spelling all this out today.  Perhaps the above is something others find awfully obvious.  But, seeing those associations across the sour relationships I have experienced was rather revealing to me.  It gives me pause, and I am trying to reason through in my mind if a) this is a normal, perhaps good, protective mechanism for me to have, b) perhaps could I be too rigid in my expectations of trust and/or apology/resolution and I need to change/adapt, or c) have I figured out a way to now understand these sour relationships in a way that allows me to more easily "put them aside"?  

I do not know.

*****

The travel to the Cigar Shoppe on Wednesday was very nice.  Only one friend was there when I arrived..... it was Frank.  So, even though I did have a pipe and pouch with me, I instead indulged in a cigar while talking with Frank.  I cannot fully explain how transitional and wonderful going to the Cigar Shoppe to meet up with a friend or friends is to me.  Just like every other time I have gone (other than the very early times where I was worried about whether I would "fit in" with the group).... I usually arrive with a lot of feelings of weight of work on my shoulders.... even if it has been a great workday.  But, inevitably, by the time I leave the Shoppe 2-3 hours later.... I feel so peaceful and relaxed..... and it inevitably feels that life has fallen back into proper order.  I feel happy.  

* * * * *

• Running has been progressing well.  
• I am keeping on track so far with my Summer course.  I am actually a whole chapter ahead of my usual pace (I have been trying to be ahead purposefully, to not have the worries about hitting the typical target points for exams..... it gives me a bit of breathing room).
• I may potentially be going to travel to Puerto Rico to present some of my research findings at a conference.  I have never been to that island before, and the potential of being able to go there is pretty exciting for me!  I have always envisioned it to be an exotic, fascinating place to visit.  I hope that I am able to go.  
• In the pocket of my jacket that I wore to the Cigar Shoppe, I had a beautiful, extra-large bowled, full-bent Dr. Grabow pipe that has always been a long standing favorite of mine because it always functioned perfectly every bowlful.  And, I had my pouch filled with gentle crumbles of cube-cut Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco.  The non-aromatic, cube-cut Sir Walter Raleigh is always a beautiful smoking tobacco, and it has just a hint of bourbon that is added to the recipe for a tiny hint of flavor. I would really have enjoyed the pipe and those delightful flavors.  

PipeTobacco 

Well

 

Things went well for my students at the science conference they presented at this past Monday!  I was pleased.  Each group showed strong presentation skills, and they each were very good at explaining our research work relative to the particular research experiment they worked on.  We had one group present on our rodent findings, one group present on our fruit fly findings, and a third group reporting on our longevity work (a dual fruit fly and nematode study).  Audience members were interested in our findings and their interest invigorated the students to feel even more motivation about their work.  

The day was quite long, however, as their talks/presentations ended up being spread out across the whole day of the conference.  This meant I did not have any time for play (as in going to the pipe shop I had contemplated).  Even though I regretted not being able to go, I needed to be there for them as for most of them, it was a big "first" professional presentation.  

Yesterday was a rather grueling 9.5 hours of "big voicing" teaching.  And, it was made more grueling because one of the students in the class had a medical emergency.  In the middle of class she fainted and fell from her chair to the floor.  This alarmed everyone, but especially the folks around her.  By the time I reached her at her side of the classroom, she was awake and alert again.  But instead of getting her up and back to her seat, I had her continue to sit on the floor, and asked her to rest her back against the wall.  Her hands and feet were somewhat twitchy, and she was very pale.  From my brief examination of her, I was ~95% confident she was dehydrated.  But, out of concern and safety, I called the U Public Safety, and a law enforcement officer and an ambulance were dispatched.  As is typical U policy, she was evaluated and then taken by ambulance to the nearby hospital.  

This morning, the student wrote to me and explained to me that she was given through intravenous drip, an entire bag of Ringers Solution (basically a physiological saline with a few additional ions) and that she was diagnosed as being dehydrated (as I had surmised).  She said she felt great now and would be back in class tomorrow. 

I ran 10 miles this morning (~16km) and am now writing three different letters of recommendation I have recently been asked to write for three students.  I have to tend to my rats, and I have to put together a couple of purchase documents for some proposed materials I need to request (one set documents for laboratory materials for my embryology course..... and one set of documents for my research lab).  I need to get these done right away as our U has a new, obnoxious system for purchasing and acquisitions that all the support staff hates like hell and they become grumps if you ask them to help you with the process.  

I also just received word from my oldest daughter, that her cat has had to stay at the veterinarian for a while longer than anticipated this morning due to a minimally invasive procedure. But, this was unexpected, and she had to get to work.  So, now, I am going to need to traipse across town to pick up the cat from the vet and deliver it around midday.  

I am still bound and determined, though, that I get to go to the Cigar Shoppe this afternoon.  I have been feeling a LOT of desire for a pipe lately.  VERY STRONG desire, probably in the 9 or so PCS range.  I am thinking, but not sure.... that when I go there sometime this afternoon..... if there are any of my friends there, I will have a cigar as per usual.  But, perhaps if I happen to get there and none of my friends are there, I may (maybe) will go to the upper floor room and read.... and if none of my friends are there, I may potentially have a pipe instead.  As Freud said, "a cigar is (just) a cigar".  It is not a pipe.  We will see how it goes.  Part of me is already imagining it being a bit of a "slippery slope" to have a pipe instead of a cigar, but it is what I would prefer..... so "Why not?"...... or perhaps that is exactly why NOT to do it.  

But, I will see what ends up transpiring.

PipeTobacco

Various Varicosities

 

"Varicosities" is a collective term applied to what we commonly call "varicose veins".  From what I have been told, they can be somewhat uncomfortable and often feel rather itchy in folks that have them.  People can have them in a temporary fashion (such as many women experience them abdominally and in the upper leg region during the later stages of trimester three of a pregnancy), or they can be long-term and persistent.  

In my family, my Dad had considerable varicosities in his legs.  He did not complain about them much but did say they were quite itchy.  My mother did not experience any varicosities.  In us kids, I have one sister who has very significant varicosities much like my Dad had, but the rest of us are varicosity free (well, one other sister had temporary gestational varicosities).  

Even though it was a bit ahead of time in the semester, I was thinking a bit about one of my lectures about cardiovascular physiology, and was reminded about how I do talk about varicosities fairly extensively.  One of my favorite stories associated with that topic is about how cashiers (like in a grocery store check-out line) have had thick, rubbery mats in their cashier's booth since roughly the early 1970s.  Because a cashier is on his/her feet for the entirety of his/her shift in a relatively stationary pose, cashiers used to be very prone to developing persistent varicosities.  But researchers discovered that UNEVENLY surfaced rubbery mats in a cashier booth would force the cashier to keep shifting his/her weight back-and-forth during the workday and the muscular contractions of the legs would be sufficient in most cases to prevent the development of varicosities from long-term standing.  This is because the leg muscle contraction would push against the veins in the legs, helping them get blood more easily back to the heart, instead of having blood pool in the veins (leading to varicosities).  So, since the 1970s, cashier booths almost always have a thick, uneven, rubbery mat in them... not to be "cushiony" but instead to force the cashier to shift his/her weight back-and-forth.  

Fortunately I do not have any varicosities.  But, I DO have very prominent arteries and veins that are noticeable under the surface of my skin.  I have always had them, but they became even more prominent when I lost weight long ago.  My hands and my feet especially show a very prominent and strong arborization of vessels.  I have been told by a variety of clinicians that I would be an easy "delight" to obtain a blood draw from if that ever became needed, because my veins are so easy to see (and feel). 

Thursday's teaching was QUITE busy, but overall rather fun.  I am still relishing the memory of going to the Cigar Shop on Wednesday because I was delighted to have "Clif" and "Norm" to talk with..... even though it was not Thursday.  That has me feeling hope that it will pleasant each week until I can really rejoin the Retiree's Cigar Group at the start of July.  Because the fellows know I am not yet retired, I have jokingly told them that I am actually in their "Apprenticeship Program" so that I can learn to become a good retiree.  

In the glove box of my vehicle, I have ALWAYS kept an older, "less special"  pipe, and a small pouch of pipe tobacco (I do not really like that phrase... what I am meaning more is that the pipe is not a pristine, "perfect" specimen.... instead it is a well-worn, well-loved pipe that is sturdy and strong, but not needing a lot of care).  I hadn't thought about this pipe in a while, but on the way home from the U yesterday, I dug it out of the glove box and was looking at it and remembering many of the enjoyable times I had indulged in my pipe tobaccos with it.  I fiddled with it all the way home on the drive and gripped it between my teeth a fair amount of time too.  I could even taste a a gentle, very pleasing remnant/residue of a particularly pleasant vanilla tinctured burley I have always especially liked...  on the stem.  It was extremely pleasant to have while driving home.  It had me yearning to readopt my old, daily ritual of enjoying a pleasant pipe whilst I drove home each evening in my trusty steed.  That ritual was such a beautiful transition from work to home.  It in many ways helped me to "reset" my mind and focus each evening. 

PipeTobacco  

10 Minute Break

I only have a 10 minute break for today's 9.5 hours of "big voicing" so I thought while I gobbled down some cereal, I would briefly write:

• I could only get it 6.2 miles (10km) this morning, because I have to get up so damn early to be able to then clean up, get dressed, and drive to the U to start my 8:00am class.  
• The foray to the cigar shop was a great success yesterday (Wednesday) afternoon!  Two of my friends were there, so it was very nice!  I kind of think these two are akin to Norm and Cliff on Cheers..... there nearly every day.  So, while I would like to go to the "formal" Thursday group.... during this interval of the accelerated course,  a Wednesday foray will seemingly work!
  
•  Back to the class!

PipeTobacco

Fiber Cereal

• I am in my office eating my high fiber cereal (with blueberries and a bit of grape nuts as well) that has been soaking for perhaps two hours so it is nice and soft.
• I ran a strong 10 miles this morning (~16km).  It was helpful.  
• Later this morning I will eat my bowl of grapefruit and grapes.  
• Yesterday was the first class of the new semester.  In this semester, I spend 9.5 hours straight on two days a week (it is an accelerated class and there are enough students to also have two laboratory sections).  50 students total, with about 10 on a wait-list because I cannot overload the class due to lab regulations.
• As it was the first day of the semester, I talked the whole damn day.... in my "professorial voice" as well.  I was beyond tired.
• Unfortunately, our Parish's "Care-Share" study group changed the day it is meeting now to Tuesdays at 7:00pm.  My wife REALLY enjoys going, and so we went.  I always enjoy the videos, which are focused and rather linear in presentation.  But the mandatory group discussion afterwards is difficult for me... and was even more so in my state of exhaustion after "big voicing" all day.  Please do not get me wrong.... I like the people.... but as I have said before.... the ability of the group discussion to be focused (such as ABOUT THE VIDEO WE WATCHED) is nil.... I think the tiny brain of a gnat would have more ability to focus than the collective group.  It is very, very challenging for me, especially when I am exhausted and famished (not enough time to eat..... barely enough time to get to the "Care-Share" after leaving the U as it is.  I did nibble on ONE small "Fun Sized" candy bar that they had a big bowl of for snacks, but honestly, candy like that on an empty stomach only makes me feel a bit queasy and a) I also still worry about eating badly in that it may cause my BMI to creep out of the "normal" zone, and b) I still struggle to NOT eat in these types of situations to just "bide time".... that is an old habit I had used and was ingrained in me for decades.... and when I was working hard to lose weight all that long time ago, the "eating mindlessly in social situations.... to bide time" was one of the biggest struggles I had (and forced) myself to break.  It still IS hard when I am am feeling "trapped" in social situations where I find myself feeling tired, bored, or impatient.   
• Because of the new schedule in this accelerated semester, there is no way I can be at the Retiree's Cigar Group on Thursdays..... not even late as I would at best get there about 6:30pm..... no good at all.  So, today, I am going to try out seeing what it may be like on Wednesdays at the normal meeting time.  I believe a couple of the regulars at the Retiree's Cigar Group do go to the shop most days to just hang out and talk.  So, I am thinking now that my Wednesday early afternoon is free for the next several weeks, I will go (at least today) to see if that may work and I might find a friend or two to chat with.  
• Come July, however, I will be VERY HAPPILY able to go back to the Retiree's Cigar Group and SHOULD be able to be there at a normal time on Thursdays for the next six months!  
• My students are going to present there research talks this upcoming Monday.  I will have to make an appearance too, and this meeting, being a regional one, is only about three hours away, driving.  Not that I want to drive for six hours on my Monday.  But, I should make an appearance.  I was contemplating that after I make my appearance, there is a tobacconist in THAT city I have not visited for more than a decade.  I have been rolling around in my mind that just MAYBE, I could go visit there and have a pipe while I am there.  Part of me is really drawn to the idea.  I have been happily imagining doing so for more than a week now.  Yet, I am admittedly nervous as well.  I keep imagining I am taking more and more steps on a slippery slope.  If I think about it too long, I already feel guilty about going to the Retiree's Cigar Group.... even though I also can conjure up in my mind that it is important TO go for the friendship I obtain.... and the cigar is just a part of the experience... at least in my theory.  But, in thinking about and wanting to go have a pipe at this other place.... feels almost like a wanton disregard for the "slippery slope" and perhaps is just my mind wishing to be hedonistic. So, I am not sure what I will ultimately do.
• Speaking of this research meeting, a few of my students have just arrived to practice with me an ask questions.  So, I had better end it here.

PipeTobacco

Thursday Was Nice

Going to the Retiree's Cigar Group ON TIME for the first time in MANY weeks was really a very nice time.  Everyone who is a regular (except one person) was there, and it was extremely relaxing, peaceful, fun, and felt very experiential (I use the term "experiential" to mean it feels like an experience.... something pleasant.... not simply a task or work.).  I ended up indulging in a Perdomo Habano, and it too was pleasing to my palate and my mind.  

My wife had a work related task Thursday evening, so even though I would rather be enjoying her company..... I felt rather refreshed from the afternoon.... I went swimming, then I went home, tidied up the kitchen a bit, made a small, lime-flavored desert for us to share when she eventually came home.... AND then willingly went to my den and worked more on some of my student's presentations for their upcoming talks at the regional meeting happening soon.  

Today, I have ran already, so that is nice.  I am gearing up for a hoped for, final push on getting these presentations up-to-snuff.  I am hoping I may be able to go swimming WITH my wife this afternoon.  I still feel trepidation about the weekend, but am hoping it will go well.  

During much of the stressful times in the last few weeks, I did NOT experience any dreams, or if I did, they were more nightmares (that I do not want to relive).  But, last night I had an especially vivid and pleasing dream, which made me quite happy upon awakening.  In the dream, I was somehow in Germany, and it was a pleasant Summer day.  I was in a nice, shady park, and had just sat down and was eating a German sausage in a bun (probably not even a real/legitimate German food, but more what I imagined to be so), was drinking a large, frothy beer (in a glass mug), both of which I had purchased from a food vendor nearby (even the mug, which I was asked to return when finished).  Also in a stereotypically silly and unlikely fashion, in the park, they were having a tuba and clarinet concert I was happily listening to.  After finishing the sausage and about 1/3 of the mug of beer, I pulled out my pipe, and filled it with pipe tobacco (it was oddly some imaginary German brand I must have "picked up" prior to the start of my dream).  As I ignited my pipe, it was surprisingly and vividly robust  and quite beautiful.  In the dream, I felt so fully, the sights, sounds, and flavors of everything and felt so content.

PipeTobacco 

Wanting "Jakoś to będzie’ "

 

I had been reading a bit and came across a concept that I have borrowed some quotes from that article below:

"In Poland, the concept of ‘Jakoś to będzie’ is acting without worrying about the consequences. It’s reaching for the impossible. It’s taking risks, and not being afraid. Literally, the phrase means ‘things will work out in the end’ – but it’s so much more than that. Rather than sitting around and hoping things will work out by themselves, 'Jakoś to będzie' is acting without worrying about the consequences. It’s reaching for the impossible. It’s taking risks, and not being afraid.  It is a concept that seems to make sense to me, and it is perhaps the perfect philosophy for tough times.

Happiness Polish-style is getting out of that comfort zone. It’s doing something that doesn’t seem to make sense simply for the sake of going against the tide. It’s striving for change."

My wife has Polish heritage, and the (now closed) Parish we went to for Mass ever since we were married is rich in Polish tradition.  One very nice fellow I knew from our Parish was from Poland and he and his family had been held in one of the Concentration Camps when he was a young boy before immigrating to the US after World War II.  I remember him saying the above phase, and now reading about it again brought back good memories.  He was a wonderful person.  He passed away about 10 or so years ago.  Even though our Parish closed, my wife and I are still often in contact with he and his wife's kids and grandkids.  

I ran again this morning.  It was good, but I am tired.

I am off to the Retiree's Cigar Group later today.  I hope it goes well.

This upcoming weekend is already getting me nervous as there are several family related activities that are happening and the potential is there for a rough go of it.  I am hoping things run smoothly but we shall see.  While I plan to write tomorrow (Friday) too, I am just mostly hoping that come Monday, things may be more calm in a more prolonged fashion.   

PipeTobacco

 

 

Trying to Find Calming Waters

 

Things are still difficult, and I am still feeling considerably on edge much of the time, but I am back to continuing to seek more "calming waters" and to try to manage all this stress with hopes that it will eventually dissipate and I can feel back to "normal" ..... hoping this is not some sort of NEW normal.

I ran outside today, and that was helpful.  It was extremely sunny (rare here), and I was a bit concerned it might have been hard for my eyes, but I wore a pair of prescription sunglasses and tried to not run directly into the sun, so it went ok.  

I believe I have my new class that starts next week, up-to-snuff electronically.  There probably are a whole helluva lot of date typos, so that may be a hassle, but in the greetings e-mail I sent out to students I informed them that during the first week or so of class they may get updated versions of things if I find errors.  So, my bases are covered, even though I have to find the time to look through things again with a fine-toothed comb.  

In this week off between classes, I should (fingers crossed) be able to go to the Retiree's Cigar Group at the appropriate time and see everyone.  That should be very nice.... I hope.  I will probably get some ribbing from some for being away, but hopefully I will be able to just take it in stride.   And, perhaps it will JUST be fun and enjoyable. Who knows?

Unfortunately, this is about all the time I have to write, as I am still knee deep in the process of building presentations for the presenting students.  I hope perhaps to get it done today (again, fingers crossed) so I can let that stressor go as well.  

PipeTobacco 

Very Hard

 

It was a very hard weekend.  

Grades are due for my 200+ students.  The new semester (accelerated pace) starts in less than a week and so I have to have those materials (electronic, paper, etc) all ready.  Problems arose with the family member I do not speak about here but they have been really damn hard. My MIL was experiencing weakness and much greater dementia when we visited Saturday evening.  I was very concerned. I am struggling to get talks together for the four research teams presenting at the regional conference in about two weeks.  

I am getting inundated by many e-mails (perhaps ~35) of the 200+ students this semester, whining about there grade prospects and asking for "extra credit or "anything"" that can help them get the grade they want versus the grade they have earned.  Three of these e-mails were from students (especially notoriously bad students) who attempt to "PUSH" at me with statements akin to "....well, you didn't reply to all my previous e-mails" (there was ONE prior e-mail asking me to open up 15 different electronic assignments for her and I ignored it as she had NO REASON other than her choosing to not do them at the appropriate  time....and it CLEARLY STATES in my syllabus, and I say it aloud at least four times during the first week of the semester..... I DO NOT REOPEN ELECTRONIC ASSIGNMENTS) or "...I think it is unfair you asked this, and this assignment of us." (they are easy to earn points if the student does them and end up helping ~95% of students course grade).  Both of these students are REPEATING the course as they failed the first time.

When (the fortunately VERY, VERY FEW) students attempt "bullying" tactics like the two above..... it makes my blood boil, and I would LIKE to reply back to them in a "fire and brimstone" or at least "snide and snotty" fashion telling them basically to go to hell.  But, that would be both unkind and wrong.... and also damn foolish on my part.  So, I have let my e-motions about that simmer and cool down before a write a brief, terse reply explaining that their "request" is not possible.  I am glad the VAST MAJORITY of students are not like this, but the two or three that can be are memorable.  

In the above, I actually WILL reopen assignments for students who have a LEGITIMATE reason (like a medical issue or a death in the family..... BUT NOT because they forgot or didn't want to do the damn thing at the time it was due.  These electronic assignments are only worth perhaps 2-3 points each (in a class with over 1000 points to earn) and are a pain in the ass to open up for individual students, often taking 10-15 minutes for each student.    

Trying very hard to focus NOT on ruminating was easier said than done this weekend.  I was emotionally at my end.  I cried a lot.  When I could, I slept a lot.  On Sunday, I had a splitting headache like with my TMJ acting up.... but more than usual.  It was all along the right side of my face, eye and upper skull.  My right eye was feeling extremely light sensitive.  I felt like I was having a panic attack.  My wife thinks I may have experienced a migrane as these were similar to the symptoms she has experienced when she has had a migraine.  I slept and cried, on-and-off for about 2-3 hours on Sunday afternoon.  When I got up, the light sensitivity had decreased some, and so had the headache.  But, I was still emotionally and physically completely exhausted.    

Fortunately it was heavily cloudy outside and I wore sunglasses.  My wife and I went across town to the cemetery (where my parents are and my FIL (my wife's dad)).  We went there specifically to clean the headstone of an elderly friend of ours who lives (now) about 3 hours away from the cemetery.  She is almost 90 and is in frail health.  She had always been faithful about bringing flowers to her Mom and Dad's gravestone..... and with Mother's Day coming up, and with her very likely not being able to come to the cemetery due to her health at the moment.... we went out to the cemetery with a flowering plant we bought for her Mom's headstone for Mother's Day.  We did this so we could take a photograph, and then print it and send it to her, so she would see that we did this for her so she would know her Mom did receive flowers.  Because of the harsh weather (still frost sometimes at night) we took the flowers back home with us so they would not freeze and will bring them back the day before Mother's Day to leave there (and I will be bringing a plant for my own Mom as well).  

On Thursday, I did go to the "Retiree's Cigar Group" but because I was even later than usual, none of the group was there.  I tried to read my book (I am re-reading Huxley's "Brave New World" at the moment.) but my heart and mind wasn't into reading. .  I was also ahead of the evening crowd, so I had the place to myself.  My mind kept going into rumination, but I kept trying to steer my focus onto my phone or at least onto the cigar.  But.... overall it was not as wonderful as usual.  

I am sorry for my own whining.  But, I need this place to be able to try to express when I feel, good or bad.... to help me.  

PipeTobacco