Practice

 

Purposeful efforts to steer my mind away from rumination about hurts and stubbornly fixed-focus on the "professsory" tasks I alluded to yesterday..... is NOT an easy task.  I am finding it takes considerable effort on my part to do so.  I guess that is to be expected, as it has been an ingrained pattern of mine for decades.  I DO FIRMLY believe that if I can master and wrangle more purposeful control over this fashion of thinking.... I WILL be able to experience a) more happiness, and b) have a more EXPERIENTIAL life..... both of which I realize I sincerely desire.  

In comments yesterday, my friend, AC alluded to the paradox of trying to control our minds WITH our minds.  I agree it is a rather confounding paradox.  Yet, it seems truthfully the only tools we have to attempt this task.  

If I am able to go (late) to the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow, and if there is at least a straggler or two remaining when I arrive... I believe I WILL feel that feel that wonderful sense of being part of an EXPERIENTIAL life that I so crave.  Part of me is hoping/considering trying to assess and analyze the experience as a means to better understand WHY and HOW it occurs so I may potentially be more easily able to replicate this in other aspects of day-to-day life.  Yet, in the same breath I also can see how the plan to assess and analyze the experience may in itself be ludicrous to attempt, and may in some fashion prevent the experiential aspect from occurring.    

In an ex post facto fashion I can identify the relived memories of pipes I have enjoyed in the past as sort of an "imaginary experiential" life as these memories help me cascade into sleep at night.  As a sleep tool, I think these memories are quite helpful.  But, they do not substitute for current experiential life.  

While it is true that both of the more easily identified experiential events (or memories) I mention are associated with indulgence in tobacco, in my opinion that is simply an artifact of my experiences across my lifespan.  I am by NO MEANS only trying to live experientially in the manner of pipes (or cigars)... I want to more fully live experientially in as many day-to-day things as I can muster and learn to have experientially.  

PipeTobacco

Sword Edge Conundrum

 

Thoughts can often be like a double-edged sword for a professor.

A major aspect of our job IS to think... a lot.

But as the last week & a half has helped me to BETTER realize, thinking can (at least for me) be problematic.  This latest challenge I have faced.... relating to the mean, inappropriate, and unkind actions of a problematic person to me at work.... has helped me to better UNDERSTAND how MUCH TIME I spend in thinking.... and more specifically how much time over the last week and a half I spent thinking, rethinking, ruminating about, and working through my thoughts, feelings, and hurts resulting from this person.  And, I have began to realize how much of a damn waste of time that is.  

I was so completely enveloped in my thoughts that I missed EXPERIENCES.  For example, during the last week and a half, the transition of the outdoor foliage from brown twigs into newly emerging leaves had begun, and I had not even noticed it until this morning while running outside.  Many leaves were well past just starting to emerge, and I missed that beautiful transition (although much growth still remains for the leaves).  

* * * * * 

I came to the realization that I DO NOT LIKE having so much of my time being engulfed in thoughts... primarily "thoughts" related to work, or "thoughts" related to challenging family members, or "thoughts" related to the unpleasant things in this world (politics for example).  Life is too damn short to have so much of my precious time engulfed in these things.

BUT.... I am also realizing it is DIFFICULT for me to not fall into these sorts of thought patterns.  Being a scientist, I also was concerned perhaps my ways of thinking reflected a pathology of one sort or another.  I briefly spent time working through clinical characteristics of several psychological maladies......obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder.  And...... another bit of a "double-edged sword" was that I found, while I (like most folks) will likely identify with a few symptoms of each of the above conditions from time-to-time, but (fortunately) none of what I experience comes even near the threshold for clinical diagnosis for any of the above.  

This now has me thinking it is perhaps more of a "risk factor" of my profession.  And with/if that being the case, that suggests I can work to retrain my behavior and patterns to NOT overthink things.... or at least substantially reduce overthinking.  

* * * * *

That is the "task" I am now working on for myself. Namely, to be more tangibly aware of my thoughts and my moods, and when I am in a "negative" space in terms of focusing on a hurt, or an unreasonable expectation of others (work OR family)..... I am working to reshape my thoughts to a) something I appreciate and/or love, or b) to being experiencing something more tangibly real.  

There are so many ways I can do the "a" and "b" above.  It is basically to try to change my thoughts to either positive thoughts or actions.  I think it will be WORK to get my mind to initially do this as I have had so many decades now of "professory-ness" level thoughts of..... analyze, analyze, dissect, dissect, formulate, formulate......that it will require willpower to break the cycle to have a more peaceful mind.  

Interestingly enough, I became cognizant of this "peaceful mind" goal when I was thinking last night of how so very DIFFERENT going and being at the Retiree's Cigar Group was for me.  When I am able to go, now especially since I am am considered "one of the group".... when I am there... the time there is SO very wholly EXPERIENTIAL and so not rumination and thinking and analyzing.  And, I so very easily slip into the fully experiential mindset while there..... it was revealing to me.  This realization has put the Retiree's Cigar Group's importance to me even more so.  And, I believe I can and will find ways to become less "thinker" and more "experiencer" in life now that I am more cognizant of what I had been doing and realizing it is not how I wish to live.

That is about it for today.  I have lots more to say (as usual) but I need to do work and get prepared to let thinking "go away" as best as I can when I leave the U today.  My primary foci to be away from "overthinking" has been a) this morning... where I listened to and experienced two daily Masses on my phone while I ran, and b) this evening I am hoping to focus much more experiencally with my favorite person in the entire world, my wife.  I am planning especially to a) not bring work gripes home to talk about, but to instead b) relish the beautiful time we can be in each other's company this evening.......preparing dinner, relaxing, and chatting.  We are even planning to swim this afternoon.  None of this is atypical for us in the evening.... but I think for ME, with a greater AWARENESS of and APPRECIATION for the actual EXPERIENCE of being with her.... if I can keep my mind in that experiential realm.... it will be far, far more delightful. 

PipeTobacco   

Just Struggling

 

I am just struggling to keep up with things.  Unfortunately, one of the people who has been a thorn in my side at work again did more to hurt me and I have been dealing with the sadness of that.  This person was quite mean, unkind, and harsh with me on Tuesday of last week.  I have also been struggling to get through the semester's work along with preparing students for a smaller, regional meeting I have four research groups presenting their findings at in the middle of May.

I was at the most LOW of my emotional turmoil on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of last week.  With kindness, and an understanding ear from my wife, I have been able to recover enough to carry on.  But, I can say that I am enormously sad and frustrated and hurt still.  But, it does me no damn good to dwell on things.  Most of my energy is going to trying to keep the dark thoughts of gloom out of my mind as much as I can.

The one pleasant item I FORCED myself to do this morning, was to run outside for the first time in several months.  I really did not want to run, and I did not want to run outside either.  But, I knew it could help me drive out some level of that sadness.  So, I FORCED myself to do this.  I was able to listen to Mass while I ran. The homily spoke of forgiving one's enemies.  I know and understand I must do that.  But, with my wounds so fresh, it is hard.  But, I must embrace forgiveness as my goal. 

PipeTobacco

Ins and Outs

 

It is still a rough go of it in several ways at the moment.

• My HOME Internet is now DOWN and I cannot work from home at all.  Apparently there is some sort of "update" that occurred and our equipment is now so outdated that it no longer functions.  The folks sent out a new box but then (in a sinister sort of way) also informed me that "about 1/2 the time" the self set-up DOES NOT WORK and a technician has to be brought in.  I did not like that idea as I was already annoyed at trying to set this up myself (it requires some sort of phone app to assist in set-up as well, which I did not have, so when I acquired it, it TOO required some sort of setup beyond my pay-grade and confidence).  So, I instead insisted that I receive a scheduled appointment with one of their technicians to come to my home.  Apparently, a whole helluva lot of other folks in my region are doing the same thing, as the FIRST appointment I could acquire is one week from today.... next Friday.  And, I made this appointment on Tuesday of this week.  In theory I could still try to do this switch out myself.... BUT, the reason I do not is that the TELEVISION aspect of our service is still functional.... but if I were to have problems with the setup of the new box, we would lose our television service AS WELL as the Internet.  That would be even worse, so that is why I am very hesitant to try.
• Some sort of U system bug is also occurring on campus, further hindering work.  It is not as bad now as I last reported, but the damn Internet at the U sporadically "goes out" several times a day, and folks (including me) lose work, if teaching, we have to reboot the system (takes quite a good 10 minutes to do) to re-establish links to the projector systems.  So, it has been aggravating.  I suspect the culprit may be whatever this "update" was that occurred apparently last weekend or on Monday of this week.... has messed with a lot of the older U equipment too.
• So, with the slower lecturing I did while in the midst of laryngitis, and the sporadic rebooting I need to do while lecturing.... I am behind in lecturing.  That is not a good feeling.
• I was actually so very tense and aggravated yesterday, that I had basically decided I should not go to the Retiree's Cigar Group...... first, I was scrounging after class to try to make up some of the things I have been having difficulties with in my own writing and other work.... so I would be EVEN LATER than usual, second, I was in a rather sour mood overall from the various "brick walls" I would keep hitting that kept me from getting my work accomplished that NEEDED to be done.
• But.... after another Internet hiccup at the U, I basically said "to hell with it" and I went to the group meeting.  And, I am extremely glad I went.  It ended up being the most congenial, relaxing thing I was able to do all week long!  One of my friends was leaving (I actually ran into him on the sidewalk as I was walking to the shop.), and he decided to turn around and come back in to talk.  And, two other fellows from the group were straggling behind as well.  The friendship (and the cigar both) quieted my mood and by the time I left, I was feeling more "hopeful" and less aggravated.  

After I returned home, I showered and gussied up a bit to head to Holy Thursday dinner at our Parish.  It was a potluck and we brought a crockpot of our macaroni and cheese.  It was a very relaxing and enjoyable dinner.  At our table, we were pleased to have a special visitor as well.  A young nun from Mexico was visiting our Diocese and she ended up being invited by our priest to join the dinner.  She was kind, gentle, and very pleasant.  Even though her own English was extremely limited, she had a friend with her who helped us with talking with her by being a translator for all of us back-and-forth. 

Running has been relatively smooth this week.  It has been a bit of an effort to get back upward in my miles after my illness, but I am thinking next week may (hopefully) back up to snuff fully in terms of mileage.  This morning I ran 8 miles (~13 km).  

With no Internet at home, I likely will need to come to the U during the weekend, even with its spotty Internet of late.  

PipeTobacco

Internet Issues

The U has been having horrible Internet issues all day.  I am posting this via my phone, and oddly even cellular service in our region is abnormally bad (only two “bars”).  

Not sure if the two are related, but it has been difficult to get much done today.  

Writing a post on my phone is not ideal.  But, it is what I can do at the moment.  

I ran 7.5 miles today.  

PipeTobacco 

Improvement

 

My voice is at ~90% of normal now.  I am quite relieved.  I started to feel better on Saturday morning after this new batch of antibiotics started to kick in.  I feel behind, but I actually feel HOPEFUL as well.  If I bust my butt and try like hell to catch up on the many things that I let slide when I was sicker than a dog.... I may be able to get to a "normal" again in a few days.  I feel in the cusp of the "Fair-Good" range and hope it keeps edging upward.

Last week, I felt SO damn sick, I DID NOT RUN.  That two was a double edged sword.  I felt a) I would lose my hard worked for ability to run, b) I now have a worry about trying to reach my run-the-year goal, c) and even though it was foolish, I was also worried my weight would balloon upward.  

On Saturday, when I started to feel better, I ran a small, 3 mile (5 km) run.  It felt good, although it also felt difficult.  I was able to convince my wife to go swimming on Sunday as well, which felt very good.  

I had missed Mass (on April 6th) because I was so damn sick.  I felt guilty about that and sad.  But, I was able to go back to Mass this past weekend and it helped me as well.  

I am HOPING these are all good signs.  I ran this morning, but only 7 miles (~11.25 km).  I did have a hard time getting out of bed this morning, so I did not have much time to run.  So that was part of why I ran so little.  But, I do admit I was exhausted when I was done as well. 

I have, I believe, 5 more days in terms of of taking these antibiotics. I hope I keep feeling better after they are finished.  

I am HOPING also to now be able to go (late) to the Retiree's Cigar Group this Thursday.  That too would help me feel more back to my normal self as well.  As Thursday is Holy Thursday, it will be a tight day as we have Holy Thursday Mass in the early evening as well.  

PipeTobacco 

I Need to Vent

 

I just need to get it out here.... and then it will help me to just deal with the day better:

• I am annoyed that I still have virtually no voice.  I hardly uttered a word yesterday (luckily I had an exam in one class, and told folks in lab what they needed to do but that for the rest of the class I told them I was going to be quiet, and in my seminar, I told the kids I was not going to talk a lot (and I did not).  
• I am not looking forward to BIG VOICING today in the big lecture hall again. Tuesday and Thursday are the days I do these BIG VOICE classes.  One of the three has an exam, so that is a blessing, but the other two I have somehow get it done.
• I am sad about my laryngitis AND about afternoon U commitments that keep me from going (albeit late) to the Retiree's Cigar Group.  It is something I so look forward to doing.
• I am sick of Winter.  It snowed a bit this morning.  Yes, it was not much.... but it helped my mood to further plummet.
• Part of what is going on is that it is that "crunch period" of being both the approaching end of the semester, and the approaching end of the traditional academic year.  I do continue to work in the Spring and Summer semesters of course, but in terms of TRADITIONAL school year efforts this May is the TRADITIONAL end of a "normal" academic year (officially in terms of money it is June 30th, but in terms of courses, it is May 10th..... the next semesters (Spring & Summer are "catch up" or "get ahead" semesters for the undergraduates students and there are only perhaps ~10% of the number of courses that occur in the Fall and Winter).  And, in this "crunch period" every manner of damn presentation event, public speaking events, Honors Program events, etc all coalesce into the same three week period which is happening now.  I have four of those items occupying my evenings this week and next week already scheduled.... and I am dead tired already, and cannot speak.

There.  I crabbed about all the things making it hard for me at the moment.  Now, hopefully I can let them go and just turn into a robot today, and get the sh*t done.  I have enough crap to do for three people.... it is damn hard for one one lone, old, sick-feeling, crabby me.

PipeTobacco