Lackluster

 

I have been away a while.  Not really sure it matters a whole helluva lot anyhow, I guess.  I am still struggling to find a way back to feeling my usual self.  It is difficult.  I believe I am going to try to (the best of my ability) to write smaller thoughts here for a while, as I think that perhaps what I write is too damn verbose and folks do not want to read that much.

So, I am not sure if there is anything much else to say today.  My MIL and SIL are both having new health issues.  A nephew by marriage is going to get married for the THIRD TIME this coming weekend, and I do not relish going to another hootenay-hoedown thing for him and his future wife (who is also getting married for the third time).  His other two marriages ended in divorce when he had affairs.  I suspect the same may transpire here.  

Most everything is still the same:

I run my damnable miles.  10 miles this morning.

I do a bunch of work.

I think very often and fondly about my pipes, and feel like going back to them. 

PipeTobacco

All I Can Do

 

Seemingly an apt title for today, but also arguably the very best (at least MY personal favorite) song ever recorded by the Carpenters. 

I am continuing to try to "pull myself up" by my bootstraps.  I have been working considerably on trying to get through the very harsh aftereffects of the damn olive pit on my TMJ.  Yesterday was a bit better.... the pain only started to form about an hour or so before bedtime.  I wore my bite splint most all of the day other than when I was lecturing.  And, I focused on chewing very gingerly and gently throughout the day in an effort to quell any flare-ups.  It may seem strange, but it is exhausting, thinking about and carefully chewing any food that I eat.  It probably will in the end help to decrease the calories I consume during this span as it gets tiring very quickly.  

In my previous post, there were a few comments I thought I would respond to:

Pat stated...  "I get the sense that simply by your nature you are going to be under stress and feel some sadness whether or not you are enjoying your pipes. But at least with your pipes you would have a tool to ameliorate some of your stress and sadness."

Right now, at this particular time of the year, I believe you are 100% correct about the stress and sadness.  I NEED to find a way to figure out how to quell those feelings and also figure out a way to get them to stop…. so that I can go back to my normal, happier living.  The biggest difficulty is that I have SOME things I CAN control to an extent (some damnable animal use paperwork that I have to finish and submit that just is frustrating and 10x more labor intensive than it needs to be, and with my having scant available time within the scope of my other work to devote to this arduous task, it never is getting done),  and so it continually looms in my mind.  But, I have no energy/ambition/desire to pull an "ALL NIGHTER" without sleep to get the damn work off my plate.  

You are also right that the return to my beloved pipes and pipe tobaccos WOULD ameliorate a fair amount of the stress and sadness.  I have been thinking about that quite a bit.  It seems like a grand idea to me most days.  But, I do tend to also have concerns in my (Freudian) ego and superego on whether to indulge in this context would simply be me "taking the easy way out" if you get my meaning.  What I mean is that I have been searching/contemplating/scheming of ways in which I could successfully engage a careful, well metered return to my pipes on OCCASION.  In reality, if I used "stress" as the benchmark for allowing me to indulge.... hell, I would be smoking my pipes MORE than I did several years ago. :)

The TWO bowls of pipe tobacco I have indulged in since starting the fasting journey were each so beautiful, fulfilling, near perfection.... and also nearly Nirvana for me. I would most like to find a workable pattern that allows this sense of Nirvana.....  but have it occur a damn bit more frequently than twice in six years and 50 days (as of today). 

Margaret stated... "No more olives for you, sir! I understand the stress of get togethers."

I love olives so very much.  Yet, since the first incident occurred, I have been visibly pinching all of my olives before adding them to salads or other foods to assure myself they HAVE BEEN PROPERLY PITTED.  Unfortunately, I think this most recent damnable olive pit was HIDDEN in the bottom of a bottle of a jar of green olives where the olives had been consumed… and all that (I thought) remained in the jar were some loose pimentos that had fallen out of the olive centers. I nonchalantly tossed these errant red pimentos onto my salad without thinking a damnable pit may have been lurking under the bundle of red pimentos.  And, yes, the stress of get togethers when there is the potential for negative outcomes tends to spoil the time.  I was on edge until the day was done.  

 Pam stated... "If your doctor would prescribe a mild tranquilizer for you, your life would be improved immensely. I say this as an anxious person who has successfully moderated my use of tranquilizers for 40 years."

Pam... THANK YOU for the above.  I want to assure you that in NO WAY would I think it a "weakness" to use a tranquilizer (as you suggested as a possible thought in your comment).  I think the use of medications of any sort that are medically prescribed can be and typically are WONDERFUL things.  Also, you mentioned that your advice was unsolicited.... that is not true.  Even though I did not specifically say "Pam... tell me....".... the reason I write here is to try to obtain the ideas and opinions of others.  I very much value your thoughts and ideas and advice.  

In regards to my taking a tranquilizer or hell, most any medication is something I am unsure about regarding MY OWN potential weaknesses in doing so.  Let me explain:

1.  I do not (as of yet) taken any medications in a continual fashion.  I have, of course, had a round of antibiotics a few times over the years, and I have on occasion taken some sort of over-the-counter remedy.  But, I do not have any long term prescriptions from my doctor.  Chronic prescription medication consumption does worry me a bit, because of potential side effects.  I know that the probability is high that someday my doctor will TELL ME that I must start to take "this" or "that" medicine.....but it does make me nervous to imagine doing so.

2.  I DO consume a few various multi-vitamin and mineral supplements each day.  I do this only because I am not always certain if I adequately meet these needs with my diet.  I started this LONG ago when I was working on changing my BMI..... fearing that while in weight loss, there was a potential for me to not obtain the necessary vitamins and minerals as I strived to reduce caloric intake. 

3.  Another concern for me is if a medication is neurally active in some fashion.... my worry is.... what if I LIKE the damn thing too much?   Is that a path that would be a struggle for me to for me to navigate?  Sincerely, I do not really know how to answer that question.

I believe across my lifespan, I know of three neurally active substances I have consumed.  The results were variable:

A.  Pipe Tobacco.... hell, everyone knows and understands that I love and relish pipe tobacco.  I loved and relished pipe tobacco long before I smoked my first bowlful.  And, smoking my first pipe-full only CONFIRMED what I thought.... that pipe smoking to me was utter bliss and Nirvana.  That idea is as true today as it ever has been. Even though I have been away from it for so long now, its appeal does not change.  For whatever REASON pipe tobacco and pipe smoking is damn near magical for me.

B.  Alcohol...  having a drink or two (or sometimes three) is enjoyable.  But, truth be told, it is enjoyable to me rather sporadically.  These days I typically may indulge in a one or two beers a month.  But... also very, very truthful.... alcohol used to be more enjoyable.... when I enjoyed it as a WAY TO ENHANCE how wonderful my pipe and pipe tobacco was!  I can still remember so well, when I would go over to my FILs on many Fridays across decades, and we would sit, and have a drink or two while we talked.  There were several times over the years when I would very purposefully not indulge in a pipe the morning before I went to visit my FIL.... because I was looking forward to the beautiful intensity of that first pipe after I had drank a beer (or other alcoholic beverage) a bit earlier.  It is difficult to describe... but the best I can say is that what truly enjoyed about a drink was MOSTLY how it made the beauty of my pipe enhanced.

C.  Following a dental procedure where some of my gum had to be removed by cutting and cauterizing (it had overgrown due to movement of my below the gum surface, impacted wisdom tooth, and I had ended up chomping on it with my back molars, causing bleeding, infection, inflammation, etc), my dentist gave me a few pain pills that at the time, I didn't give much thought to them.  I took them for the three days following the procedure.  Nothing noteworthy.  Only a year or two later did the headlines start to sprout up about "Oxycontin" and I looked around for the empty bottle.  Sure enough that is what my dentist prescribed for me. But, it did not bother me in the slightest.  

So, while my foray into Oxycontin seemed wholly uneventful, and my drinking mode is modest a worst.  The passion I have for pipe tobacco makes me a bit worried that if another neurally active medication were to be something I end up really liking.... would that simply be a new stress to have to work through?  I do not know. 

The whole lyrics of the song "All I Can Do" are listed below.  I think this is lyrically and musically a very strong song.  It expresses emotions I can definitely relate to:

Yesterday, I thought you'd stay, I thought you'd see things my way
But now I see my hope may be dead
I should have known when you said I was the one that you wanted
Wanting meant nothing more than today

All I can do is cry over you and hope you return someday
All I can do is cry over you ever since you've gone away

Every road that I follow leaves me with no tomorrow
I need someone to show me the way

All I can do is cry over you and hope you return someday
All I can do is cry over you ever since you've gone away

 

PipeTobacco

Vent

 

The old "bootstraps" approach is NOT working.  I have been trying to work myself out of my sorrows, but I have not been successful.  It is the same old sh*t that has been problematic for a while:

1.  My TMJ Disorder has been so, so damn annoying and hard to deal with.  I believe an errant chomp with my teeth onto an olive pit about two or three weeks ago likely bruised my bursa on right side of the tempormandibular joint.  The pain, the swelling, the discomfort.... and the radiating pain into my ear..... just about are going to be the end of me.  I did this same damn thing (even, perhaps if I recall, due to a damn olive pit as well) perhaps a year or so ago.  

2.  Easter actually felt more like stress than a joyful day.  Having the kids over along with relatives is not longer the casual fun it used to be.  Instead, I just feel a sense of dread and anxiety because of the one I no longer mention here.... and what this person may spout off about.  And, conversely, some of the relatives may casually say something that could also cause this person to spout off.  I would far rather meet with the various relatives OUTSIDE of meeting with "the person I no longer talk about".  It would be a lot less stressful for me.  But, unfortunately, I do not really get to decide unilaterally.  My wife wants everyone to get along and be happy, so she always hopes for the best and always wants EVERYONE together.  And, she was RIGHT... nothing horrible happened THIS TIME.  But, that did not mean I did not have extreme stress and anxiety about the possibility.... all day.  

The only thing I actually want to do lately is lay with my wife on the bed and have her hold me or I hold her.  I feel I could sleep for weeks/months.  

I did all my damn usual things, like always.... stomped my feet through all the damn miles this morning, thought about my pipes and pipe tobaccos like always.  

PipeTobacco 

Nothing

 

I haven't got anything particularly novel to say at the moment.  I am tired from lecturing all day. We are going to a potluck at our new Parish ahead of going to Holy Thursday Mass this evening.  In theory, I do not need to go into work tomorrow and can potentially just work from home which would be helpful.  

I ran this morning like I always do.  I will hopefully run tomorrow morning and if I run the set number of (~10 miles) I will have reached my mandatory 50 miles a week (~80 km), and can have the weekend off.

I have gone to band and the new music we are playing has promise.  It is a "water" themed program for Spring according to our conductor.  One piece, which will be a challenge has virtually the entire part for my instrument for this song in the highest part of the upper register of my instrument.  Normally, the upper register is only occasionally utilized in parts for the bass clarinet, because as the name suggests, it is a low, deep toned instrument.   Much of the piece is near or at the C5 range  whereas most bass clarinet music focuses primarily on its beautiful, rich, low register more akin to the C2 range.  It will be a challenge. 

But, what I spend most of "daydreaming" hours thinking about are:

• Beautiful memories of my pipes and pipe tobaccos. I have so many different renderings of joyful memories, olfactory, gustatory, and visually that I can pull from.  I can almost taste the imagined flavors, almost smell the earthy leaf, and I can visualize (in my mind's eye) the beautifully thick, chalky grey texture to the smoke itself.  
• Imagined future travel that could permit me an indulgence in a real world sampling of the beautiful leaf in one of my pipes.  I have lately been imagining the indulgence specifically with a large bowled, full-bent, fishtail Peterson.  I also keep focusing in my mind's eye of the delight of peering into the bowl of the pipe during that first light, seeing the yellow flame from my Zippo be drawn into the bowl, igniting the leaf and seeing the combustion begin where each crumble begins to transition into a beautiful red ember. 
  
• The hoped for soon-to-be (hopefully) adventure to the cigar "club" the fellow at our Parish has invited me to attend.  I have likely 5 more work Thursdays before I have a day of break on Thursday.  I have been imagining the experience as simple contentment and camaraderie.  
•  

PipeTobacco

Hashtags

 

I am going to do some exploration to attempt to better understand "hashtags" which are NOT a shredded potato dish, nor is it the 70's era terminology for especially potent marijuana (since I have never had marijuana, I have no idea what "regular" versus "potent" may be in that regard).  

No, the "hashtag" idea I am interested trying to figure out references the "#" symbol that sits atop of the "3" on the standard (US standard) keyboard.  And, more specifically, how this little symbol when tied to some word, words, or array of letters is often found cluttering up the bottom of various Internet posts, social media posts, blog posts, and the like.  

I have SEEN these "hashtag" things for many years, but for the most part I tried to ignore them.  I clicked on one once, and it took me somewhere (I do not remember where the hell it was) that was chaotically not useful to me.  I am guessing they must link to some sort of aggregate database of some sort, probably of what folks may DEEM to be related ideas, but I am not sure.  

So, I have done the following to try to elicit help in understanding:

1.  I asked my wife.  (She didn't have any more clue to the answer than I did.)

2.  I sent a text to one of my kids who is especially "electronic" focused.  I have not yet received a reply.  Probably not until perhaps later tonight, I suspect.  

3.  I am NOW asking you, my blog friends to give me your knowledge of the "hashtag" with specific reference to why and how you would use them in something you READ, and also how and why you would use them associated with something you would WRITE.  

4.  Finally, I am also going to (likely tomorrow) after I amass the opinions and ideas of folks of whom I value their opinion (the above three groups), I will then (again, likely tomorrow) take that information and explore the Internet for the "global" view on hastags. 

Why, you may ask am I doing this?  Well, I am CONSIDERING.... NOT FOR CERTAIN ... but CONSIDERING.... creating a blog, or instagram site or facebook site that can serve as a type of community outreach for scientific research that I find meaningful and impactful.  Over the years, I have highlighted to my students about the dichotomy between what scientists know and discover, versus how the general public learns (if at all) about this work and consumes the information (if possible) in a way that meaningful and impactful for the broader aspects of society.  

I thought that by putting some sort of platform together to highlight in general terms, some of the more important new work related to my broad field, could be a helpful way for me to engage more in community service.   

* * *

• We did get the full damn 7 inches of snow on Friday.  But, it warmed up enough immediately after that it ended up melting off the driveway by the end of the day Saturday.  And by Monday, all the snow melted away.  
• I have still been struggling with a lot of sadness.  I keep telling myself it is just "March" and it should dissipate soon.  But, my mind is so swirling at times with memories of those I miss, both those that have passed away, and others who have drifted away.
• Running is still a CHORE at the moment.  I am awfully damn tired of ~100 loops every morning, dodging around folks who walk in the running lane even though they are not supposed to.  It will (hopefully) feel fun and exciting again when (soon, I hope) I can easily venture outside for my runs in the early morning again. 
• I have even been feeling SAD about my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  Typically, over these years of abstaining from their friendship and comfort..... I would feel senses of LONGING, DESIRE, CRAVINGS.... for their nourishment.  But, while those feelings remain, I also am now experiencing a SADNESS about them.  It is hard to explain.  I feel, perhaps locked into a corner, not having any real way to "succeed" regarding them. I cannot forget them and be "over it".  I cannot simply return full-time to them and "indulge raucously".  I cannot find any sort of middle ground that seems viable either. It SEEMS that there is no identifiable way to work or strive to make my lot regarding my pipes and pipe tobaccos BETTER that it currently is, and that being locked in a position that is not really comfortable is what I think has added the feelings of sadness.  

PipeTobacco   

I Do Not Know

We are predicted to receive potentially SEVEN INCHES (~18 cm) of SNOW between late tonight and  Friday morning.  (sigh)

The idea of  such a snowstorm makes my mind feel quite gloomy at this time of year.  The other mind spinning weather prediction is that on MONDAY, we will have a high temperature of 55 degrees F (+13 C).

There is ONE bright spot however..... it caused the cancellation of our Department Meeting!

One other bright spot that may seem strange, but has happened occasionally.... walking across campus on the way back to my lab after finishing my "big voicing" for the day.... some unknown fellow walking in the other opposite direction gave me a "thumbs up" symbol and then said, "That's a GREAT beard!" 

I will likely be able to work from home tomorrow (another plus), and have only one online meeting to attend.

* * * * * 

I do not have a helluva lot of new news.  I ran.  I HOPE to easily find a way to run tomorrow to complete my 50 miles (~80km) for the week.  

Lately, my mind feels less and less willing to go through the laborious thought processes to keep focused on why I put down my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  My mind even has been growing less willing to think and reason through a possible plan for measured, only very occasional indulgence in my beloved pipes and pipe tobaccos.  For whatever the current whim of my mind is, it seems simply too taxing to continue and I feel like just sliding back into whichever frequency of unfettered indulgence in my pipes and pipe tobaccos would equilibriate to. I have been thinking about throwing in the towel quite a bit lately.

PipeTobacco  

Tuesday into Wednesday

I am not sure if it is stress or a "24 hour bug" or what the hell it was, but YESTERDAY was horrible and horrendous from the moment the damn alarm clock rang.  I did not want to run, I did not want to go to the U, I did not want to do anything but stay in bed.  My body ached, my TMJ was flaring, my mind was mushy, my thoughts were "doom-and-gloom", my body had no energy, I felt edgy, I had a scratchy throat, and my soul felt empty. 

Everything was a monumental struggle.  But, I did FORCE myself to run, hoping it would knock some sense into me. It tired me out a bit, so emotions were not so ready to "boil-over".    I FORCED myself to teach, which was the last thing I wanted, especially a long, long 5 hours of "big voice" lecturing.... and especially the LONG, LABORIOUS, TEDIOUS topic I had specifically in my endocrinology (comparative thyroid function across major chordate and vertebrate taxa.... which is boring as hell, difficult to remember, and rather extremely disjointed... it has theoretical "value and importance" but it is not a specific subject I particularly find "invigorating" to talk about as it is rather dry).  My other two classes were of more exciting topics, for damn sure.

I am not sure if it was the single aspirin I took at ~ 9:30am yesterday kicking in, or just being done with "big voice" lecturing for the day, but I felt a bit "better" and relieved at the end of lecturing.  Yet, I was so damned dogged tired, unfocused, and TMJ achy still, that I really did not accomplish much at my computer afterwards, even though I have a LOT of writing to do that remains on my plate.  

By 5:00pm, I could not do any more and called it quits for the day.  My wife came by to pick me up (leaving my stead at the U that she would drop me back to later) so we could travel to the pool together and swim and talk.  Actually "SWIM" is a bit of a misnomer. When I am with my wife, I do not swim per-say, but instead we both water-walk in one of the lanes.  She walks in a forward direction back-and-forth in the lane, and I walk backwards in the same lane so I can face her and we can talk together more easily.  My wife prefers walking forward as it is a major form of her exercise to try to help regulate her blood glucose.  I actually quite like walking backwards as it has my use my leg and torso muscles in the opposite fashion to how I do so while running and ends up being an added component to my "stretching" routine to keep my leg muscles more limber and from shortening and painfully tightening as can happen to folks who run without stretching (an aside, I DO traditional stretches at the conclusion of my run each day as well, because of the very important need to do so, but walking backwards further enhances the stretching results, I find). 

Immersing in the pool, the chatting, and the being able to be just "normal" (not "on" as in work, not "big voicing" as in work, not focusing on just getting crap "done" as in work) felt so wonderful.  The coolness of the water against my body was refreshing.  The talking was fun and casual.  By the time we got out of the pool, I felt CLOSE to my "normal" self.  

This morning, I again awoke with the same dread.  Fortunately, no TMJ pain, however.  I have been forcing myself through the same routine as yesterday.  Fortunately the "big voice" lecturing (3.5 hours today) was over more interesting topics in both classes. I am hoping we can swing swimming again this afternoon after my graduate seminar ends today.  It may be hard to fit in as we have a "care-and-share" event at our new Parish this evening.  It is part of the Lenten Season activities.  Sometimes they are very good, sometimes they cantilever off track precipitously so that they are just folks yammering about unrelated topics.  I am hoping for a very good event this evening.  It is SUPPOSED to be about a presentation of Catholic Missionaries who organize groups to travel to different areas worldwide where they will spend time working in service to the community.  From my understanding, their current focus is for some folks in a small village in a country in Africa (I apologize, I cannot remember which country at the moment) where the Mission and volunteers are working to rebuild their school and other parts of the village that were destroyed, I believe, due to some form of weather related cause.  My wife and I have talked about trying to serve in one of these ways for the last few years.  We are both thinking it would be something that would be valuable and helpful for us to do.  We HOPEFULLY will learn more about this tonight.  

* * * * *

I still think part of my malaise is related to it being the damnable month of March.  Today is the official, first full day of Spring, and I was sadly awoken to fresh, new snow covering everything, and temperatures around 25 degrees (-4C)  and dark skies that only brightened at sunrise to a dark, ashen grey. I keep trying to push away the many thoughts of "gloom".  

At night, I have been (as usual, I guess) allowing my mind to wander where it will go.  But, I have found that I have had to try to be more "directive" to my mind of late, for I easily can fall into "gloom" thoughts of the deaths of the the many loved ones I have had on my mind, or into thoughts and worries about the "one I no longer mention here" who is contemplating some rather poor options again which is causing both my wife and me a great deal of concern and feelings of failure.  So, to not get stuck in one of those circles of sadness thoughts, I have been forcing my mind (as best as I can) when going off to sleep, to imagine or remember one of the following three:

1.  Me simply resting in a nice, wooded park on a Summer day.... my back resting against the trunk of a big oak tree, while I quietly scan off into the distance while smoking one of my large bowled, full bent briar pipes filled with a half-and-half mixture of "Three Star Blend" and Prince Albert. 

2.  Me and my father-in-law sitting out in his back yard outdoor lounging chairs in the middle of Summer, laughing, chatting, drinking a tall whiskey and coke (his favorite Summer drink) and smoking our pipes together.

or

3.  Me actually visiting the cigar lounge and talking with folks about just "stuff" and finding and enjoying a cigar in a quiet, casual afternoon.  

PipeTobacco