Blue

The election results are, IMO, quite unfortunate for the U.S. and globally.

 I voted for Harris/Walz.  

This REALLY should have been an easy election for the Democrats to win.  Both Harris and Walz are good, caring people with intelligence.

I have what I believe is a very legitimate theory to explain WHY Harris/Walz did not ultimately win.  I am hoping in the next day or two to try to write out why I think the outcome is as it is.  Yesterday, I mentioned how I really "didn't care" who would win anymore.  I still voted for Harris/Walz because I felt it was intellectually the right and correct choice.  That statement of "didn't care" was a bit of hyperbole.... but also did spoke of some true feelings as well.  I will have more ideas to share on this in the next couple of days, I think. 

PipeTobacco

Just Down

I am just really down.

It is so hard to force myself to do the things I need to do lately.'

Last Thursday was VERY pleasant at the Retiree's Cigar Group.  One bright spot in an otherwise gloomy time.

The person I no longer write about was in rare form Saturday, and it colored my Saturday, my Sunday, and into now.

My secretary screwed up one version of one of my exams I gave yesterday.  I was not able to catch it since she did not have the exams ready until about 10 minutes before class.  This class has about 150 students, with five versions.  One version had many, many mistakes (including two questions labeled as #43).  Instead of the work I needed to do yesterday afternoon, I had to spend the hours figuring out what the hell she did to this exam so I could create a new, separate answer key for grading so this subset of the class would be graded fairly.  It was annoying and not what I wanted to do.  And, she had this exam for over THREE WEEKS to prepare.  This new secretary (she has been here 3 years) leaves a lot to be desired.  I miss my old friendly secretary who was very meticulous.  She retired three years ago.  

I voted this morning.  I honestly do not care anymore who wins.  I just want the election to be over.  But, of course it will not be over for months and months no matter who wins.  I cannot bear to watch news any longer because it is just too much stupid politics.  I cannot listen to my friendly NPR because it is ALL damn politics.  

PipeTobacco

Reframe

 

There is not a whole helluva lot I can do about any of the situations that have been making me feel very sour.  And, as I cannot exist healthily in that emotional state, I am trying to reframe my mind to "ignore" that which I cannot control or change.  That is perhaps the best I can do at the moment.  So much "pop-psychology" suggests that a person must "process" their e-motions.  But, what the hell does that actually mean?  To my manner of thinking, that suggests that I should think about and focus on how to SOLVE these situations.  But, the reality is I CANNOT solve them.  My friend has died.  The person I do not speak of is still being horrible and an idiot. I CANNOT change those things, no matter how long I ruminate over them.  

The best I can muster, I believe, is to ignore them as well as I can, until one or both or additional things rear their ugly heads again and I am FORCED back into the sour state. It is hard to live this way with unresolved crap, and crap that will remain bad.  But, I have no ability to control or shape it.  It is akin to simply waiting for one disaster after another.  But, at least working to ignore things can make the current moment less unpleasant.  

* * * * * 

So, in  my "reframed" mind, I am focusing on what I can do, or have done:

• I ran a FULL 10 miles this morning (~16 km).  This is the first time since my heel issue.  Overall, it was nice to have done it again.  I can still feel some less-than-typical aspects to my gait on that side that had the heel issue.  But, I am hopeful that it will become more limber and less achy with my having a return to a more normal running gait.
• I am going to try very hard to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow.  I am working hard today to try to assure I have no potential conflicts that may pop up. 
• I am going to need to lecture at an accelerated pace today to assure that I can get through the needed materials for one of my classes. For reasons I do not quite understand, I have been getting slower, or perhaps more accurately, too expository in one of my classes and I find I am not getting to where I need to so the kids can take there exam next week as scheduled.  I had to submit the damn exam to the Graphics Center so many weeks ago (new, stupid policy) that I have to get through this material today.  
• I am going to practice some today on my tenor sax.  Music makes me feel happier and more calm. 
• I am going to allow myself to carry around a pacifier (one of my pipes) today.  It may look foolish, but it is comforting to me.
  

PipeTobacco   

Sour

I feel rather sour this morning.

• My friend passed away in hospice yesterday.  I do not know how to write about the feelings I have related to this.
• At 5:30am we were in the midst of a heavy thunderstorm with the prospects of cold, heavy rain all day.  I drove to the nearby track to run indoors.  Unfortunately, some "big-wig" politico rented/requested the space to hold some sort of "rally" and there were crowd gates all around the building, and no one was allowed in for any purpose as they prepared for these asinine "festivities".   I went back home.
• I am angry at the person I no longer write about here.  This person is doing more crap that is frustrating, angering, annoying, and hurtful. That is all I can say.

I do not know why I try every damn day.  It feels pointless.  It probably IS pointless.  I never thought this would be my lot in life at this age.

PipeTobacco

Comments But No Cigar

Well, as expected, I was unable to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group yesterday.  It was a true disappointment for me.  But, if I had not worked to fix all the issues yesterday (and today), it would be utter chaos next week.  So, I did the "right" thing.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that NEXT THURSDAY, I will be able to again go.

Some replies related to a few comments from last week:

AC wrote.....

"I remember you not being happy about not recalling dreams."

That is quite true.  Most of the time I DO NOT recall dreams.... still.  It appears that when I can end up recalling a dream, it is typically when I wake up in the middle of the dream.  I wish I could recall dreams more often.

"Interesting how your ‘profession’ affects your enjoyment of food."

When I first saw your comment and it was in quotes, I misread it as 'your "Professin' " ' which to me had me chuckle, as my professing as a professor does indeed affect my food preferences.  

GaP wrote....

"Al Swearengen so aptly put it in DEADWOOD...They're handing you a bag of sh*t to hold..."

I have heard SO MANY good things about the series, "Deadwood".  Unfortunately I did not have the correct (expensive) cable channels back when it was originally on.  I need to look at what options there are now to view the show.  I would like to see it.  Same idea, truthfully for "The Sopranos" as well.  

Pam J wrote....

"Great dream! I love my dreams, most of the time. I like seeing old friends and family. Hemingway is a fun arrival in your dream world. I’m surprised at the level of detail you were able to capture."

It was fun to see Ernest Hemingway.  I have been a fan of his work and have also ~50 biographies written about him as well.  In terms of detail.... it is odd.... but I really remember few dreams, unfortunately.  But, if I am woken in the MIDDLE of a dream, I seem to have an ability to remember it.  But, then if it is a "good" dream, it is a bit frustrating as it has not finished. :)  Some, perhaps most of the dreams I recall are rather vague.  Only an occasional dream is vivid in detail for me.

Pat M wrote....

"...maybe you could allow yourself one pipeful of tobacco on any Thursday when you are unable to attend the group? That might be exactly the "miniature vacation" you'll need today in the midst of the stressful repairs."

That would be an excellent alternative, and I would relish that as an option.  But, truthfully, I am not sure if I were to have a (delightful, robust, aromatically diverse, beautifully soothing) pipe in an occasion that was not rigidly structured, precisely regulated, and purposefully planned with an obvious end point..... I am not sure if it would not become a "slippery slope" sort of situation for me.  Would I find ways to then further "not attend" the group?  Would I simply indulge in a pipe at home in this scenario.... and if so, would I become inclined to do so at will?  As I am not sure of my willpower when I do not have rigid enough parameters for a pipe, it makes me rather nervous to do as suggested.... even though it is a wonderful idea.

StreetWriter wrote....

"I think you should treat the Cigar Group as an unbreakable appointment."

I do try to make it as immutable as possible.  But, the weight of these errors of others was significant enough, that I HAD to step in.

"You should tell the others who have been messing up that they damn well better have those things corrected by tomorrow."

Those exact thoughts along with similar language (perhaps even a bit more coarse) were running through my mind all day yesterday as what I would LIKE to have done.  But, I would have felt guilty in doing so.  People do make mistakes.  And, sometimes those mistakes affect others, but I have to try to view such things as a "teachable" moment, and act with as much kindness as I can muster.  I was trying yesterday and today, to try to think more with a Capuchin ethos... at least as much of one as I could attain.  

Margaret wrote....

'Ernest Hemingway was a pipe smoker so he definitely belonged in your dream. I don't like steak either, salmon in restaurants is often of the farmed variety and I don't like a bunch of starchy sides. I would probably order a pork chop like you did or a side salad and some kind of appetizer, if they had those."

Ernest Hemingway is a fellow with whom I have spent a great deal of time reading biographies.  I find his life extremely interesting (for good and bad).  I am not sure why he in particular struck such a chord with me, as I have ~50 biographies about him, as well as all of his works.  I also have a fair interest in two of his contemporaries as well.... John Steinbeck and William Faulkner.... although I have only a subset of each of their works and perhaps 2-3 biographies of each fellow.

"Those glasses plus the beard must make you look very learned,"

It is interesting to me, that because I am truly average at best in all regards, and this includes appearances.... instead of TRYING to model myself after the fashion trends, or in trying to adopt a "GQ" sort of demeanor.... all my life, I have generally focused on....  when having to adopt attire, adopt an "appearance", etc.... I have gravitated towards a rather stereotypical trope of a "professor" even well  before I became one.  To chase after a trend, or a style, or a "cutting edge" appearance always seemed too damn exhausting, and also not possible with my averageness.  So, instead, I have, even as a kid, sort of "leaned in" on the demeanor type of the "absent minded professor".  It was an easy, comfortable fit, and I did not have to worry about trends. And, getting back to the glasses.... I always liked wire rimmed glasses, and also liked the "old shopkeeper" "owlish" sort of look of the round glasses too.  And, as I have aged, it is an even easier, even more comfortable fit.

* * * * *

• I did run 6.2 miles (10 km) in the rain (cold rain) this morning.  I am glad my heel is still pain free. I feel decent enough I may bump up back to my usual next week.  I would be quite happy to be fully back at that level.   
• I never know if folks always see the image I add atop of a post.  As is my inclination, I try in some fashion to have it link appropriately to the post.... but... at least to me, I often have that link be either an "ironic" or "humorous" connection (sometimes the humor may only be apparent to me, I fear).  But, in case you do not recognize the image... it is an EMPTY cigar box...... it was meant to evoke the idea of "no cigar for me" this week.  And the title "Comments But No Cigar" itself was my feeble attempt at a humorous corruption of the "Close But No Cigar" phrase so commonly used. 
  

PipeTobacco

Disappointment Likely

Right now, I am feeling a bit of disappointment because I do not think I will be able to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group this afternoon. Yesterday and today have become quite busy with a number of "repairs" I am needing to do for others who have been messing up.  This includes some adjunct faculty and includes some Departmental student workers.  To "fix" their errors is going to occupy a lot of my time.

I feel somewhat "put upon" by this situation, and I miss the idea of going to the group this afternoon.  It is quite a refreshing and rejuvenating experience outside of my normal day-to-day.  When I go, it feels like a miniature vacation, even though it is only about 2 hours of time at most.  

I am going to try to slough through and see if there is any way I can still squeeze it in, but it is not looking good.

Round

 I am wearing my silver, metal glasses today with the round lenses.  Some folks talk of them as being "John Lennon" glasses, but mine are a bit larger circles than the tiny "John Lennon" type.... I tend to think of them as my "Tevya" glasses:

I absolutely love the play "Fiddler on the Roof" and had a part in the performance of that play way back in high school.  Unfortunately I was not good enough (and didn't sing well enough) to play "Tevya", but I was cast in a much smaller role as "Yussel" the hatter.  Taking part in plays in high school was an extracurricular activity, not a class.  The director of our plays was both the teacher for band and the teacher for choir.  All of our plays were musicals.  Most of the kids who auditioned for and participated in the plays were either in band class (like me) or in choir class.  

I do have to admit that Musical Theater has always had a special place in my heart.   Of the very many plays I like and have seen, my top two favorites are "Fiddler on the Roof" and "Man of LaMancha".  I have to admit I was a little bit sad when I first learned my high school was performing "Man of LaMancha".... but it was two years after I had graduated.  It would have been a very fun play to participate in.  

* * * * *

• Ran another 6.2 miles (10 km) today.  I am building back up and so far, so good!  The spot on my heel is still holding on, however.  So, I am still a bit frustrated about that.... but no pain.  
• I am making a concerted effort to brush off the cobwebs and spruce up my tenor sax skills.  Even though I have been the long-standing bass clarinet player in our band (there are 1 or 2 others as well, depending on if they join a particular series),  there has been a depletion of players for the tenor sax.  I would be happy to step into that role as the parts are often very similar.... but the tenor sax often gets a few additional lines in a song that are even MORE fun than for bass clarinet.  So, if I work at polishing my abilities, I may be offered the chance to either switch (move permanently to tenor sax because of need) or perhaps even more fun "double" (play the tenor sax for a subset of songs where the benefit may be high) and the bass clarinet for others.  
• Still not sure about this Thursday's Retiree's Cigar Group, but I am hoping I can go.
• Yes, pipes and pipe tobaccos HAVE been on my mind.  But, what more can I say about them that I have not already said?  They are beautiful, nearly "magical" tools that offer a delight that words somehow cannot adequately convey.  I still miss them every day.

PipeTobacco