Spurious Thoughts

I am still planning on a "comments" post, but today cannot be the day..... I am in too much of a "rambly-jambly" mood to be able to do anything but prattle on about what is randomly swirling about in my neuronal circuitry today.

Part of the reason for "swirling" thoughts is that in the wisdom that only a U Administrator could fathom.... the administrators have deemed this Saturday, right ahead of Final Exam week as the time for the annual "U Extravaganza" which is basically a “dog and pony show” where folks are supposed to goad their students into presenting their work from across the year at a day-long event.  

I have six of my research students who I HAVE goaded attending...... but it’s not like they should instead be studying for..... uh, their FINAL EXAMS. But, neither is it also not like all us faculty are also up to our fuzzy eyebrows in business with the various machinations of doing various types of accounting maneuvers related to grades, and preparing final exams. Additionally, we are trying to schedule out ways to....      ...after exams are administered..... grade, compute, and enter results for the damn things..... AND THEN compute final grades for the semester…. with a deadline newly established by the U of FINAL SEMESTER GRADES due only TWO days after final exam week.  

So, instead of doing the normal "professory" things like preparing the exams, etc.... I am spending most of my time OUTSIDE of my normal lecturing and my normal research and my normal committee work, trying to help my six students navigate the needs and requirements of the "U Extravaganza".   

But.... thinking like the Stoic Philosophers... since there isn't really a helluva lot I can do about it..... I should just let it "go".  I am trying to do just that as best as I can.

I did have a most WONDERFUL dream, however, last night.  I have had this dream before, but it must have been at least 10-15 years since I had a similar dream.  I think somehow all the "accounting" work I have been doing with grades may have stirred up this old dream from the detritus of my mind.  But also, perhaps it was because I was reminiscing in my mind about the old sci-fi program, "The Prisoner" that I feel is perhaps the best (err.... my favorite) science fiction story ever on television.  Much of the dream had a bit of that same sort of surrealism.  

I am not sure if it was a marketing analysis group, or a newspaper conglomerate (hah, newspapers, I miss them), or a group of psychologists, or a group of tobacconists.... but some group hired me (not sure how or IF I even applied) to be a "Taste Tester" sort of reporter for them and sample and write about what appeared to be 200 different pipe tobaccos.  I went into my office, and it was a large, boardroom-like space perhaps 30 feet by 50 feet, with a large table which had a large, stone ashtray on it, and a comfortable office chair nearby.  And, there was a large, cardboard box on the floor near the table.  I opened the box, and inside were my instructions, a large, spiral bound notebook for my writings, and ~200 small pouches of pipe tobaccos, probably enough for roughly three bowls of each type. Each small pouch had a code number printed on the outside.  

I was just starting to read the instructions on how to go about my job, reading about how I was to write opinion essays on each..... when my damn alarm clock (aka my gizmo phone) jolted me awake.  I wish I could have remained asleep to experience much more of that dream.

PipeTobacco

One Important Time

This time of the semester for me is the last week of "big voice" lecturing ahead of Final Exam Week (which is next week).  But, in addition to my usual "big voicing" teaching this week also always entails a lot of monotonous checking, rechecking, and fussing with grades of assignments, of exams, and of various end of the semester projects students are turning in, or are attempting to turn in.  This monotonous work involves many long hours of feeling akin to an accountant.... a job I would never wish upon anyone due to its drudgery.  

I guess I should modify that a bit.... I have known a couple of folks who absolutely RELISH the machinations of being an "accountant".  I modify the above..... therefore.... by more accurately stating that the work of accounting is JUST NOT A JOY for my own particular mindset.... to me it is pure tedium, pure drudgery.  

Except.... back when I allowed myself..... my beautiful, flavorful, invigorating pipes and pipe tobaccos quelled and smoothed out MUCH of this tedium and drudgery.   At this time of the semester, my prior norm would entail my pipe consumption increasing often to close to double a "typical" day.  I so valued the aromatic aromas and flavors swirling about me as I worked, I so very much found gentle solace in the stimulation and flooding of the nicotinic receptors in my hypothalamus, and I so benefited from the mental focus and mental stamina of my pipe tobaccos helping me stay on task during this monotony. 

It is rather too easy these days, to drift off task to damn near ANYTHING else other than this important, but still wholly monotonous, fussy "checking" and "rechecking" and "figuring".  And, perhaps a case in point, is that I felt it was "incredibly critical" for me to come here to post this..... instead of doing the fussing and figuring I should be doing.  :)

If I were a cowboy, I would be trying to lasso my mind back onto task much in the ways a cowboy would lasso a steer.  I will have to try to be a metaphorical cowboy.... or this week will get progressively more challenging.

One final thought.... when my wife experienced her injury just ahead of Valentine's Day.... my schedule, my patterns went into disarray.  I need to wrangle that back into submission too.  I am hoping/thinking that perhaps sometime this week, I will return to having one post a week be again where I try to answer comments I receive.  I like doing that and I have also found it helpful.  

PipeTobacco

Stuff

 

Trying to keep my focus and trying to get things off my plate today to attempt to have a smoother weekend.  Some random thoughts:

• One of my Brother-in-Laws (husband of my wife's sister) has had a major milestone birthday occur this week.  He has now officially turned 70.  My wife and I are planning to have him and my SIL over later this afternoon to have a miniature celebration.  We are going to play euchre together for a few games, then go out to dinner.  He is tremendously fond of Snicker candy bars, so in addition to a more traditional birthday gift, we are giving him 70 Snicker candy bars ("Fun Sized" not full sized).  We found four different Snicker varieties available and are mixing them together in a wrapped box.  We also bought him a fun birthday cake (it is the shape of, and is also decorated... to look like a taco) to have as well.   
• I did my running today.  I am working to get back the joy I used to feel from running.  There have been three things that have made running much less than joyful for a while now.  1)  it was a frustratingly slow time to get rid of the damn plantar wart that was on my heel and was painful, and 2) the compensating I did because of the pain of the damn plantar wart caused me to change my gait in a way that ended up starting my plantar fasciitis, and c) ever since I tripped over a piece of gravel late last fall, I have felt a bit nervous/gunshy about running.  When I trip and fall and skin myself up, it is painful, and it gets me to worrying quite a bit about what could happen.  My wife's own issue with her knee has also given me a lot of concern (for her of course, but here... today....  I am meaning I am seeing it in the framework of "What if that happened to me?" as well).  All of the above has made running much more of a chore, and a fearful one as well..... and that is NOT GOOD.  The exercise of running is a) tremendously helpful for my emotional health by dissipating stress, and b) healthful for me as it keeps a lot of my systems healthier than they otherwise would be.  So.... it is an important task for me to turn around my fear and sourness about running back into a joy like it had been.   I am hoping now that I am back outside running, that this may help me again acquire the joy.  
• One of my friends was still at the Retiree's Cigar Group when I arrived very late yesterday.  He is the fellow I think I mentioned before that goes by his nickname of a number instead of his name.  Everyone calls him "23" and he likes it that way.  "23" is the number of his cigar locker at the shoppe.  I do not think he likes his actual name, which is a rather rare, not particularly popular name which was more widely used in the late 1800s.  His wife has stopped in a couple of times and addresses him by his real name, and we all usually are taken a bit aback by this at first, because she is the only one who uses his real name.  He often talks about his time in Vietnam, or about different aspects of the many classic cars he has and relishes (a late 60s Corvette, a classic Mustang, a Rolls Royce, Jaguars (two), or about the challenges he has with trying to do any sort of renovations on his old victorian home because it has been now included in the towns historical district, and the rules for renovation are now extremely stringent.  Relatively recently he had also celebrated his birthday.  He turned 83. 
• Today is one of those days where I am carrying around an empty pipe and having it almost be a "pacifier" of storts for me.  I miss them very much.
•  At a committee meeting this morning, the Chairperson of the Honors Committee startled me a bit.  She is roughly my age, and I have known her for well over 30 years.  Today, at our meeting, when she opened her mouth, I was surprised to see that she now was sporting a mouth full of braces..... with the traditional, old-school rubber bands and all.  I was rather taken aback.  I DO KNOW and realize that folks are NOW often getting braces well into their 40s..... BUT, I had never heard of anyone getting them in their 60s!  In fact, I had once asked my dentist about this perhaps 10-12 years ago when I was a lot younger than now.... and he intimated that it is usually not "recommended" at my age.  Now, whether or not that is true today, I guess I do not know.  Or, perhaps it was also related to and in conjunction with my TMJ... again I do not know.   But, I do know that seeing my friend (the Chair) today with braces had me imagining and wondering.... not that I want to consider them any longer.... but, wondering if I had somehow had them earlier in life, if perhaps they would have diminished my TMJ or even eliminated it?  I will never know.  
• Not sure if many (or any) of my blog readers will know or be able to identify the fellow in the image at the top of this post.  As I always strive to do, I try to have at least an ancillary connection of the image to an aspect of the post.  

PipeTobacco

The Sunshine Day

I am still diligently working to keep those"stoic philosophical" ideas in my head.  Again, basically it is in a nutshell..... try to make decisions with a "cool, calm demeanor" and to promote HAVING a "cool, calm, demeanor"..... FOCUS your limited energies on things you CAN control and exert change in..... and LIMIT or even ELEMINATE your focus on those things that you CANNOT control or exert change in.  

It seems so simple..... but it is NOT really that simple to follow when we are bombarded with stimuli from everywhere all the time.  But, I can report that when I can keep those "rules" in my mind, they DO help me and have been beneficial.  

My bite guard situation the other day is a bit of a "partially successful" case in point.  I have to admit the experience left me exhausted, and that 3:30am bedtime made the next day rough to navigate in many ways.  BUT.... I think I handled the (temporary) LOSS of my bite guard BETTER than I have on the few other occasions where it has occurred over the decades.  I had to do a helluva lot of running around, but instead of getting flustered and frustrated to the point where I would literally begin to sob (if you do not have TMJ, you would  not really understand the impact of not having your bite guard.... it CAN be that emotional) and end up losing all mental focus..... I instead channeled my mind into remaining as calm as I could muster, and kept carefully searching (and searching and searching and searching) all the different potential areas I had been across the day.  Keeping the focus on what I COULD do (search) to help, and working to ignore the things I could not control (What if it was GONE?  What if the dog had eaten it?  What if it fell out of my pocket in some random place during all the journey of the day?) helped me.  

* * * 

I am looking forward to hopefully finding some friends at the tail-end of the Retiree's Cigar Group today.  But, even if they had left before I am able to get there, I have more of my "Hidden Valley Road" book to read as a backup.  

* * *

From  a "stoic philosophical" perspective, I am trying to think through in my mind, my pipe smoking.  I am not sure where all my thoughts fit, however.  I tend to THINK I should be able to control and make decisions on potentially returning to pipes in a way that is within a framework that feels occasional and appropriate.  But, in some other ways, I am wondering if perhaps the sheer joy I have with pipes and pipe tobaccos is perhaps something I cannot exert any sort of meaningful control over?  If the latter is the case, perhaps there is no hope of me returning to them in a truly managed sense?  Yet, I am not really sure.  When I get more time, I will have to reason through it more to try to figure it out.

* * *

I have also been giving A LOT more thought towards retirement.  Not that it is eminent.  But, I am starting to realize that I have considerable worries, anxieties, and concerns about this sort of major transition in life.  I am thinking I may start to try to categorize and write out these thoughts, perhaps once or twice a week here, so I can better try to work through them.  I am hoping that by doing so, I may be able to transition to retirement in a happy, good way.

PipeTobacco  

Jargon Overload

 

Yesterday's bite guard post prompted questions revolving around "Why not just have a backup of the "good" bite guard?"

It WOULD SEEM that would be an EASY solution.  Unfortunately, it is not the case.  The production of a bite guard is regrettably more ART than science.  The beasts are hand made, and EVEN if you were to have two made from the same dentition mold.... there are major differences in how functional they ARE after they are created (I tried that by one time having TWO made at once from the same mold).  

With each one hand made, the primary contact points between the lower teeth and the bite plate's undersurface are always unique, and this leads each bite guard to have its own benefits, and also its own problems.  

Added to this situation is that every dentist I have had does NOT produce his/her own bite guards, but instead has them produced in some regional outsource establishment..... further reducing the uniformity of how the touch surfaces for the teeth are going to be made.... each dentist "communicates" ideas of how to make the beast....to the place that actually makes them.... so there are many different people involved, each with their own "interpretations" of any notes, guidance, etc.  

The final conundrum... is that dentists frequently tend to be "cookbook" style clinicians.  For the most part, they follow a taxonomic key, er, a prescribed path from beginning to end on how things should be done and ultimately are done.  I have tried diligently, during at least the last 7-8 bite splints I have had made, to coax, encourage, suggest, and even plead with the dentist to have the splint made in ways that I recognize would most benefit my own TMJ experiences.  The parameters that would most help me include:

1.  Having the bite guard be EXTRA THICK to keep me from as easily clenching my teeth while sleeping.  My one bite guard that my dog ate, was ACCIDENTLY made roughly 2.5 times as thick than typical.... and at the time, the dentist apologized, and this was before I recognized its benefits.... I said it was ok, and that I would try it out.... and it was helpful.  But, it was an accident I have never been able to convince a dentist to specifically request from the outsource place since.

2.  Having the primary pressures of my bite while wearing the guard.....  be on my incisors (front teeth,top and bottom).... this alleviates my major issues of CLENCHING my teeth (my molars in particular) while sleeping.  The clenching I do is a major aspect of the joint pain that I will awaken with many/most mornings.  Every bite guard I have had made other than the "perfect" one my dog ate was made rather FLAT across the entirety of the dentition pattern...... permitting easy CLENCHING.  

3.  Part of the reason for desiring points of initial contact between my upper and lower incisors is due to my atypical dentition pattern where I have a natural overbite of my upper incisors in front of my lower incisors (normal dentition has them meet and contact when the molars touch, preventing the clenching to a large extent).  This is why I have evolved in the last couple of years of using what I coin a "bite sock" as well.  The "bite sock" is a literal sock (I have five pair of new crew socks I bought for this purpose (10 total)). that I fold and knot together in such a way that it has a small, albeit thick region that I literally hold in my mouth to create points of contact between my upper and lower incisors.... and to prevent CLENCHING.  As long as I hold the sock between my teeth while sleeping, it is a tremendous help.  But I often spit out the sock while sleeping, and then I start clenching, even with the "best" remaining bite guard I have... with the inherent negative results.  

So, my long windedness above is meant to try to explain that unfortunately no two bite guards are the same, even if it was wished they could be.  

* * *

My title today was in reference to what I had planned to write about a bit... which is what appears to be a new RISE in the use of "jargon".  Perhaps it is just my perception, but to me, it feels far more "1984-ish" today (Orwellian 1984, I mean) both politically, but also in terms of LANGUAGE than it has in a couple of decades.  The breaking point that really brought this to my attention is of all things.... NPR!  NPR is my major source of news, and I have been a regular listener for, hell, at least four decades if not closer to five decades.  Over the years, more and more "commercial" pronouncements have crept into NPR to compensate for inadequate funding.  These are not normal "jingle-jangly" commercials like on normal television and radio, but more akin to "public service-style" announcements usually with some monotone fellow or lady reading a name of a "donor" with a stock list of the company's goals and aspirations.  

Over the last few weeks I have grown annoyed at two companies in particular with the PSA-like commercials on NPR.... one is for WorkDay.... the horrific program my U's HR Department adopted about 1.5 years ago that has been a nightmare for anyone not in the inner circle of HR jargon.  The way our U utilizes this wretched program has folks across campus use WorkDay to submit all manner of purchase requests, travel requests, reimbursement requests etc through this system.  But the system is a heirarchical MAZE of hundreds of dropdown menus with each menu having a dozen or more vague "categories" through which a request may be "properly" routed.  

The issue is that these menu choices are ambiguous and there is no clarity of how to navigate this process.  In each and every case I know of from at least 15 or so faculty I have talked with.... EVERY DAMN TIME we try to submit some request through WorkDay.... it gets sent back needing to be redone because the routing menu's specific dropdown categories were not correctly selected to route things where they are supposed to go.  Perhaps this is some sort of "savings" for HR folks... but for every person not in HR who has to use this damnable program..... WorkDay..... INCREASES the amount of work we need to do..... every damn time.

Then, also on NPR is another PSA-like commercial for some other program (I have avoided learning (or at least remembering) the program or business name of this one) that is constably yammering about some slew of nonsense with phrases like "supply chain" "side chain ergonomics" and to increase "stabilization parameters" of a whole array of nonsensicial things.  It was driving me batty to try to parse through the jargon to attempt to make sense of it..... instead, when I hear that particular announcement start, I try to tune out.... or change the radio dial to a different NPR channel.  

***

I have been feeling a strong elevation of my sense of loss about my pipes.  I had the very sincere plan to try to indulge in a bowl last Saturday during  my extra trip to the shoppe due to my "bachelor status", but you may remember Gus' son was there and he gave me one of his Dad's cigar, so I worked through that instead.  

That "near miss" opportunity.... perhaps was for the best emotionally.  I am not sure.  Part of what I find is so different (besides the robust beauty and charms of pipe tobaccos) between a pipe and a cigar may be confusing for many to understand.  When I laid down my pipes 8 years ago (other than the THREE glorious times where I was able to allow myself the joy of one due to a special, prescribed occasion), I had never really been any sort of regular indulger in cigars.  

When my friend from Mass first invited me to the Retiree's Cigar Group.... I did so with a specific mindset.... with my lack of a routine or a developed pattern of indulging in cigars..... I created a framework that felt "safe" in how I could allow myself to have a cigar with minimal risk.  It would always be a) at the shoppe, b) usually only ONCE a week, and c) I would be more "purposeful" in the activity.... wholly concentrating on the experience while idulging, rather than just having it be a "routine" that just happened.    

The above served me well, for it helped me establish thes sort of occasional pattern where I feel comfortable having an occasional cigar without much worry.   But.... for the pipe.... it is a very different story:

1.  I MUCH MORE significantly enjoy and appreciate pipes and pipe tobaccos compared to a cigar.  

2.  I have a beautiful, multiple decade relationship and patterning structure of how I indulged in my beloved pipes.... and it was never "occasional" and... was pretty much based upon the idea of a pattern of....  "whenever the mood struck"..... which would be often.

3.  With the above two items.... in each of the  beautiful three times I did allow myself to enjoy a pipe in these last 8 years.... I could very easily feel (and did feel) the strong pull to simply permit myself to gently slide back into the beautiful, decades-long pattern I had innately and naturally developed in my earlier life.  I find that worrisome, as I am not sure if I have a strong enough fortitude of will to wrangle that passion consistently into just an occasional pattern. 

4.  So, the pattern I have ADOPTED and LEARNED as normal.....  in indulging in a cigar is a comfortable, occasional one.... and it feels both comfortable as a pattern, and easy to not drift away from.

5.  But, I am not sure if I could retrain an old dog (me) to a RELIABLE pattern of an occasional pipe in this same way.  With the decades long "free-form" pattern as my normal..... I am not sure if I could successfully retrain my mind to accept this occasional route in a reliable way.... or would I simply cascade back to my "free-form" indulgence?  My comfortable, "free-form" pattern of so long may not be able to be converted to "occasional".

Enough yammering today.  I have to get some work done.

PipeTobacco

Exhausted

 

I am rather exhausted this morning as I stayed up (not by desire) until ~3:30am last night.   The issue, was that I had spent a fair amount of time cleaning yesterday and getting things out for the trash (pickup is today for both regular trash and recyclables in my neighborhood).  

I was feeling really good about the cleaning I did, and about having had a good band rehearsal as well.  I had made myself a turkey sandwich on rye (with spicy mustard and guacamole), my usual salad that is bigger than my head, and some mixed vegetables.  And, with my wife away, I watched two episodes of Cannon (William Conrad is the primary actor.... great show).  

Then I prepared for heading to bed.

BUT....

I could not find my bite guard!

It may sound preposterous for folks who do not have TMJ.... that the loss/misplacement of a bite guard can cause HUGE distress.  But, it can and does.  I have five different bite guards (and have chewed through a dozen more over the years), but EACH BITE GUARD IS DIFFERENT from each other.  Some work well, some not as successfully.

Long time readers may have read (a few times) when I reported how several years ago, my dog DESTROED (chewed into bits and ate) the very best bite guard I ever had.  With that bite guard, I had stable, pain free jaws for several years until the dog ate it.  

It was very hard after the loss of that bite guard.... the others in my collection did not do anywhere near as good a job, and I would have sporadic episodes of pain and discomfort.  

Finally, now in the present, I have been using one particular bite guard that is stable enough in terms of performance that I only have an occasional flare-up in the condition.  It is my current, prized bite guard.  

AND..... I could not find it.  

This sent me into a panic.... Did I throw it away while cleaning?  Is it sitting somewhere where the DOG MIGHT FIND IT and eat it?  Did it drop out of my pocket during my travels and it could be who the hell knows where?!?!  

I searched and searched until 1:30am around the house.... looking everywhere I could think of SEVERAL times.  Each pass through the house ratched up my anxiety.  

I was just planning on pulling out all the bags of trash in our trash bin, to dig and sort through them.... when I had a thought.... MIGHT I HAVE LEFT IT ON MY DESK AT THE U?  I was not sure, but I was remembering that I had started talking with my wife (on the phone) at my desk and may have taken it out to speak with her.  

My mind percolated that idea for a while, and eventually I thought.... I HAVE to go there and see if I can locate it.  

So, I drove to the U and got there around ~2:00am.  

NO BITE GUARD on any of my desks nor in my lab.  I was utterly defeated, beyond tired, and filled with anxiety.  I needed this bite guard.  I was angry, worried, and dead-dog tired.  

I got back home ~2:45am, and took all the trash bags out onto the front porch and turned on the front light so I could begin the process of sorting through all the garbage.  But, it sounded so horrible, I thought I would look around the house ONE MORE TIME.

Amazingly, I DID find the damn thing!  It was in our master bathroom.... it had fallen behind a seashell statue that we have on the windowsill.  It must have fallen out of my pocket while I was cleaning and tidying up the bathroom and it fell just perfectly behind the shell statue that I could not see anything until I moved the shell itself.

I was so thankful and relieved.

I went outside and returned the trash bags to the garbage can. And then I washed up, brushed my teeth (and brushed my bite guard), and went to bed..... 3:30am.

PipeTobacco

Addendum:  I also dreamed ("nightmared") last night...... I was picking through seemingly hundreds of garbage bags, searching and searching for my bite guard.  I am sure that added to my exhaustion upon awakening.   

Office Hour Writing Break

It was a rather busy morning, so I did not write when I first arrived, but am now in the middle of an office hour, and no one is visiting me, so I am free to write for a bit.  I had just returned from a class where I was discussing and describing various physiological aspects of metamorphic change that can occur in some species.  A few brief highlights since they are still running circuits in my mind include:

• In the transition from tadpole to frog, titers of the hormone Triiodothyronine (the active form of Thyroxine) shape the metamorphic steps. 
• Very interesting and environmentally relevant changes in physiology occur in this metamorphosis:
• eye migration occurs from the laterally placed eyes on the tadpole to anteriorly placed eyes in the adult
• the above can occur because the skull of the tadpole is cartilagenous.  The skull does not ossify until after eye migration occurs in the adult
• the tadpole has a herbivorous diet whereas the adult is a carnivore 
•  the different diets shape the gastrointestinal structures differently... namely the tadpole has a very long, spirally coiled intestinal system needed to digest vegetation, whereas the adult has a shorter intestinal system typical of organisms that are carnivores
• gills regress and lung formation occurs
• Elimination of cellular wastes changes too..... the tadpole, being aquatic, eleminates wastes as ammonia, whereas the adult, having transitioned to being terrestrial has had enzyme systems develop during metamorphosis that convert cellular wastes to urea.  The benefit of urea for terrestrial organisms is that it is a more "water conserving" way of getting rid of cellular wastes than is ammonia which only aquatic animals employ as they do not experience water stress in the way terrestrial animals do.   
• Well, I am sure the above is boring as hell for most folks, so I will stop now, and not talk about the other things I described physiologically regarding Cecropia Moth and Fruit Fly metamophosis.  

Let us see......

• I take that back.... one more (BRIEF, I PROMISE) thing..... as an example..... humans would.... without their kidneys recycling water, be estimated to need to expel ~100 GALLONS of water a day to shed wastes via ammonia.  However, the average adult expresses only ~1.5 liters of urine in a given day..... this highlights how efficient our kidney's are are recycling water and concentrating waste products as a terrestrial animal.  

Now onto other things....

• Friday was a wonderful time at the shoppe.  Unfortunately, none of my friends were there.... there were a few folks I did not know, but they did not seem focused on conversing.   But, I went to the second floor's windowed area and read more of my "Hidden Valley Road" book, which is about a family who had 6 of twelve kids develop schizophrenia in the 1970s.... and how their situation helped researchers identify heritable components of the condition.  
• I also traversed the lands again on Saturday to go to the shoppe.  I had brought my pipe, and was not sure if I would enjoy it there or not..... but when I arrived a friend who is somewhat sporadically there WAS there, and this fellow (who is ~70) had only a few weeks ago lost his Dad, who was ALSO a sporadic regular at the shoppe.  I had met his Dad a handful of times because when he came, he always tried to come when the Retiree's Cigar Group would meet on Thursdays.  He was 96 when he passed away.  I had last seen him at the end of February.  
• Well, this friend, who's father had passed, offered me one of his Dad's cigars, so I could not refuse.  It was a fancy, pressed Perdomo Reserved, 10th Anniversary edition.  Gus (the Dad) was especially fond of them.

I am greatly looking forward to my wife returning tomorrow!  It has been boring without her.  We have "face-timed" a bit on the gizmo phone.... but it is not the same.  She has been very happy with my small gifts that I secretly stowed in her luggage.  She especially liked the hand dipped caramels, remarking how soft and creamy each center has been.  

I better do some actual work, so I should head out.

PipeTobacco

Working to Relax

 

I am "working to relax" so-to-speak.  Basically, I am having a workday that I am striving to build around the various principles I gleaned from the guest speaker I heard on Wednesday (and talked about here in yesterday's (Thursday's) post).  I am working to guide my mind to focus more on the tangible, present things I can accomplish, rather than be overwhelmed by the many things I cannot objectively control.  It has been both USEFUL, and rather CALMING to me.  I am not sure if this would be considered a "breakthrough" of sorts for me.... but it has been a pleasant day.  I think this philosophy of the "stoics" may have a lot of merit.... and with practice, perhaps this can develop into more my norm?  

• My wife has left on her journey.  I am hoping it is a really great experience for her.  And.... I am hopeful to hear in our phone call this evening that  she found my little package, has opened it, and is pleased with my small gifts.
• I am going to leave for the shoppe in just a bit.  And, if I find a friend or two there..... wonderful!  But as a backup plan, I have my notebook that I will be able to spend some quality time with in terms of thinking about tasks I hope to engage in over the next few days.  These include a) home tasks I would like to accomplish, b) work tasks I need to organize and plan for how and when to accomplish, c) work through a structure on how/when to start putting together the needed electronica for my accelerated "Summer" course that begins in mid-May, and d) think through a list of items I will want to stop at the pharmacy (Walgreens) to get on my way home after visiting the shoppe.  
• This may be a "pipe dream" in all the different permutations of meaning that the phrase has.... but I am contemplating perhaps going back to the shoppe on Saturday as well.... and considering potentially to have a pipe while I am there.  I tend to think the Saturday clientele is not of a group of fellows who stick around there for any length of time (or so I have heard) and typically are shop-and-go sorts on Saturdays. I figure I could perhaps go and allow myself the chance to sample one pipe upstairs in their nicely windowed space where I could sit and read a book.  I think I could wrangle in my mind this being a special enough, rare occasion (being a "bachelor" for a spell) that it likely would not push me into repetitive behavior.  I would far rather have my wife about, of course.... but I was trying to think of a way to garner some fun in spite of my wife being absent. 
• One of the sure "signs" of Spring that I am pretty sure I can/will do this weekend, is to REMOVE the orange snow stakes from around the driveway and sidewalk.  Here is an image from Home Depot showing what I mean if you are not familiar with snow stakes: 

 

These can be helpful markers in the "way up North" region because often the snow levels get so deep that is difficult, often impossible, to read where the driveway or sidewalk ends and the lawn begins.  These markers guide my path when I shovel snow.  And.... fingers crossed...I am feeling confident enough that we will NOT get any more snow.... or at least not get ENOUGH snow that I would not be able to discern the edges of the sidewalks/driveway.  

• I am also considering washing the walls of the kitchen to be able to hang some new/fresh "artsy" things my wife and I have gotten in the last year........ and I am thinking about doing the same for our master bathroom for some similar "artsy" things w have gotten to spruce up that room a bit as well.  
• Finally, another item I am considering is to try to do an effective "Spring Cleaning" of the basement to allow it to be again more functional a space for me to do my instrument repair hobby work.  

PipeTobacco

Bachelor Status

 

I am going to be a bachelor beginning tomorrow through until Tuesday.  My wife is traveling on a work-related trip and I shall be home to do my normal work and to, of course, tend to our pets.  

In order to spend more time with my wife this evening, I am forgoing the Retiree's Cigar Group this afternoon.  I may go to the cigar shoppe on Friday, possibly.... some of the regulars often go multiple times a week and although not a "scheduled" event, I think there is a potential for me to meet up with at least one or two of them if I plan my Friday correctly.  If I go, it will be interesting to see and feel how a different type of participation feels..... not the more "semi-formal" Retiree's Cigar Group.  

I have been working on a small package to secretly insert into my wife's luggage for her on her journey.  It consists of four cards with hand-written thoughts and ideas of love and encouragement in each, a small 10-line poem for each card that I wrote regarding my love for her and how I look forward to her return, and a small package in which I have two sets of four treats she especially likes.... four chocolate dipped Oreo cookies and four chocolate, hand-dipped caramels.  The hoped for plan is that she will, upon finding the package Friday afternoon..... in the evening each day of the journey, she will be able to spend a bit of time opening and reading a specific card and also its included poem, and enjoy a cookie and chocolate as she winds down from the day.  I am hopeful she will feel a bit more deeply, even though we are apart, my love for her with these small gestures.

Stoicism is an ancient Greek and Roman philosophy designed to foster a good life by maximizing virtue, managing emotions, and focusing solely on what is within our control. It emphasizes four cardinal virtues—Wisdom, Courage, Temperance, and Justice… to attempt to achieve mental tranquility and resilience. 

The Dichotomy of Control: The most crucial principle is differentiating between what we can control (our thoughts, actions, reactions) and what we cannot (external events, other people's opinions, the past).

Virtue is the Sole Good: The Stoics believed that virtue (living according to reason and nature) is the only true good, while vice is the only evil.

Rational Emotional Regulation: Stoics believe emotions like anger are irrational reactions to judgments, which should be managed through calm, reasoned thought.

I had not thought about this rather "stoic/Hericlitus" form of philosophy in quite a number of years.  But, I was at a talk on campus yesterday that was of a speaker (neuroscience focused) brought to campus who had as his focus, the discussion of how to experience change in one's self, you first needed to identify clearly the emotions you are feeling and categorize them into emotions related to things you have no ability to control or regulate, versus those that you CAN exert some control over.  So, for instance, the impact globally of climate change is not something you as an individual can truthfully change.... so in the "stoic" philosophy you should work to ignore the emotions (fear, worry, etc) of this global change because it is so large, and you as one person cannot change this "big picture" problem.... it is only fruitless energy wasted to dwell upon.  Yet, what the stoics would instead guide and suggest  would be to instead focus on what you CAN control, and in a mindset of calmness and rationality.... make the local, change(s) you can and devote your energies towards that effort (for instance, decrease the use of plastics, use less fuel, keep the winter thermostat lower).  

As is much of philosophy, it is a bunch of "mind games" but in many ways these can be useful.  The speaker suggested that mental happiness and clarity can be substantially improved by following this sort of guidance by the "stoic" philosophers.  And, in hearing this again, it rang as rather true and valuable for my mind.  

In some regards, it is akin to the "Serenity Prayer" that folks who are in AA attempt to use as a guide..... in a nutshell..... know what you can change, and work on that.  

PipeTobacco 

Visitation

I have written a few times about my Uncle Chester (Uncle Chet).  He was a very favorite Uncle of mine, along with my Uncle Kasper.  They both had passed away decades ago. 

Late in the day on Monday, I found out that my cousin.... Uncle Chet's son-in-law had passed away.  I do not know technically how most folks would name this person.... my actual cousin by blood in this relationship is my Uncle Chet's daughter.  However, in my family the spouses of blood relatives also acquire the same designation.... so I do consider this fellow, the husband of my blood cousin, is also my cousin (although it is by marriage).  I have known him my whole life.  He was my cousin's high school sweetheart at the Catholic school both attended.

My wife and I went to his visitation at the funeral home last evening.  Although the situation was very sad, there was also considerable pleasantness in seeing more distant relatives I have not seen in quite a while.  

My Uncle Chet and his wife (my aunt by marriage, Aunt Clementine) tried very hard to have a large family.  They ultimately went through seven pregnancies, but unfortunately my aunt had a very difficult time in childbirth, and six of the seven children were not able to successfully be born.  I believe my Aunt experienced what is now called "labor dystocia"..... a form of difficulty in cervical dilation. that caused these unfortunate results.  It was only their last pregnancy that was able to have the child birthed successfully.... my cousin.... the person who just lost her husband.  The pregnancies all occurred from the late 1930s through her birth in the late 1940s.  Today, there are medications a woman can receive to help with dilation, and there is of course the very common usage of cesarian section surgery.  Neither of these were options for my Uncle and Aunt at their time of pregnancies

PipeTobacco.  

Overview & More

 Not the longest post by any means, today.  But... at least an update:

• Overall, the Easter weekend was acceptable.  The days were overall fine.  I would suggest that the kid I have the anxiety about, behaved acceptably ~80% of the time, and the remaining ~20% was only mild in terms of less than desired actions.  
• So, overall, it was about as successful a time as I could have reasonably hoped for.  As would be expected, the lack of trust/faith that the above would have happened kept me on edge with anxiety through all three days.... but living with the anxiety was far, far better than the potential alternative of having things go very negative.  I would love to have a more joyus, carefree Easter like we used to have 5+ years ago.... but this was better than I feared.  I do keep praying and hoping for a return to trust to occur and I hope that some day it may happen.    

• Now that the above major stressor has passed, I can try to regroup my own thoughts and try to strive forward:
• I want to work to experience an Easter (technically a post-Easter) feeling/mindset of joy and hope for my and my wife's day-to-day.  
• I want to re-establish the positive routines in my life.  With the mix of the foot issues I had (plantar fasciitis associated with gait challenges I developed due to the damn plantar wart I had which took a long time to get rid of), the pressures of preparing the cadre of researchers for their talks a week or so ago, and formidable anxieties of the Easter weekend.... my stamina to maintain the good things I try to do for myself did tend to go "sideways".... I ran less, I had a great deal of worry and important support I provided to my wife during her knee injury, I slept less, I did not maintain as well organized a plan to keep up on grading, test development, and other classroom management.  I am hoping to wrangle all of these items and more back into shape.
• Our last concert season of the year (we do not play in the Summer) is starting rehearsals tonight.  I am hopeful for some fun new music to play. 
• With the continued improvement in my wife's knee due to therapy, I am hopeful she too will be feeling good again too and we can plan more our hopes and dreams for Spring and Summer in more concrete ways.
• I look forward also to Summer when I will be able to again be ON-TIME with the RCG friends.    

• Overall, what I am hoping to foster is a time of calm, tranquil, peaceful day-to-day times with routines re-established in a more predictable fashion to allow for more time to spend in care-free ways with my beautiful wife.  

PipeTobacco

Trying to Shake It Off

I woke up in a bad mood, mostly from nightmares about "scenarios" my mind about what this weekend may entail.  It really has not promoted a happy start to the day.

As I know I cannot KNOW what will transpire this weekend, I need to try to find some way to shake off this mood, which is easier said than done.  But, I will try to immerse myself in work.  It really is the ambiguity about how this weekend will be (either "ok" or horrible) that is fermenting in my mind, hence the reason for the nightmares, I suppose.  

Ultimately it is the lack of trust that hurts and has me on edge.  I do not trust that this kid will behave in a manner that is appropriate.  This kid MIGHT do so, or MIGHT NOT do so.  And, this lack of trust I have has me feel all sorts of emotions about this kid.  I of course love this kid and have always done so, but in the last four or so years, I also have a great deal of anger and resentment and worry and pain and grief.

I am hoping that STATING the above here, will help me "get it out of my head" for a while, like it did earlier in the week (temporarily). 

PipeTobacco

Salt

Getting the opportunity to EXPRESS my anxieties in yesterday's post helped me to at least get the feelings OUT so that I could find a way to push them aside.  This was helpful.  It really does not change that these feelings are real.... and that I will be anxious about the "unknowns" of what may transpire beginning from Friday through Sunday.... but at least I can have today, and Friday (and yesterday too) be ok.  

With my running, I find I must utilize and ultimately sweat out a lot of salt.  Before I started to run (hell, now about 10 years ago), I never added salt to anything.  But, now, I tend to like and sometimes even "crave" salt.  Today, I sprinkled a bit of salt (and a whole helluva lot of pepper) atop of the hard boiled egg I ate. 

My wife has ordered a pair of the plantar fasciitis gizmos I bought... for herself.  She believes some of the residual pain she is feeling may be alleviated by wearing them.  She cannot use mine, because she had to buy a different size/version.... as her feet are "thicker" top to bottom than my rather paddle like feet, and we could not get her foot positioned properly when she tried one of mine.  Variation in feet seem so strange.... my wife wears a rather common, Female Size 9 (US) compared to my much larger Male Size 12 (US).... but the proportion of the top to bottom portion of my foot is rather thin and hers is probably a bit more than twice as thick (top to bottom).  

I am very much looking forward to the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow.  I do hope I will be able to go and I hope at least one or two of my friends will be lagging behind as I will be (as usual this semester) quite late.

The cigar is NOT a pipe.  But, it is a reasonable, enjoyable time to be with friends.  And, I know it is easy to NOT "overindulge" in a cigar (meaning I can easily maintain having just one a week).  I tend to think it would NOT be easy for me to "just one a week" with the far more enticing, beautiful, flavorful, ethereal, and invigorating pipe tobaccos I have.  If only it were so.

PipeTobacco