Reframe

 

There is not a whole helluva lot I can do about any of the situations that have been making me feel very sour.  And, as I cannot exist healthily in that emotional state, I am trying to reframe my mind to "ignore" that which I cannot control or change.  That is perhaps the best I can do at the moment.  So much "pop-psychology" suggests that a person must "process" their e-motions.  But, what the hell does that actually mean?  To my manner of thinking, that suggests that I should think about and focus on how to SOLVE these situations.  But, the reality is I CANNOT solve them.  My friend has died.  The person I do not speak of is still being horrible and an idiot. I CANNOT change those things, no matter how long I ruminate over them.  

The best I can muster, I believe, is to ignore them as well as I can, until one or both or additional things rear their ugly heads again and I am FORCED back into the sour state. It is hard to live this way with unresolved crap, and crap that will remain bad.  But, I have no ability to control or shape it.  It is akin to simply waiting for one disaster after another.  But, at least working to ignore things can make the current moment less unpleasant.  

* * * * * 

So, in  my "reframed" mind, I am focusing on what I can do, or have done:

• I ran a FULL 10 miles this morning (~16 km).  This is the first time since my heel issue.  Overall, it was nice to have done it again.  I can still feel some less-than-typical aspects to my gait on that side that had the heel issue.  But, I am hopeful that it will become more limber and less achy with my having a return to a more normal running gait.
• I am going to try very hard to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow.  I am working hard today to try to assure I have no potential conflicts that may pop up. 
• I am going to need to lecture at an accelerated pace today to assure that I can get through the needed materials for one of my classes. For reasons I do not quite understand, I have been getting slower, or perhaps more accurately, too expository in one of my classes and I find I am not getting to where I need to so the kids can take there exam next week as scheduled.  I had to submit the damn exam to the Graphics Center so many weeks ago (new, stupid policy) that I have to get through this material today.  
• I am going to practice some today on my tenor sax.  Music makes me feel happier and more calm. 
• I am going to allow myself to carry around a pacifier (one of my pipes) today.  It may look foolish, but it is comforting to me.
  

PipeTobacco   

Sour

I feel rather sour this morning.

• My friend passed away in hospice yesterday.  I do not know how to write about the feelings I have related to this.
• At 5:30am we were in the midst of a heavy thunderstorm with the prospects of cold, heavy rain all day.  I drove to the nearby track to run indoors.  Unfortunately, some "big-wig" politico rented/requested the space to hold some sort of "rally" and there were crowd gates all around the building, and no one was allowed in for any purpose as they prepared for these asinine "festivities".   I went back home.
• I am angry at the person I no longer write about here.  This person is doing more crap that is frustrating, angering, annoying, and hurtful. That is all I can say.

I do not know why I try every damn day.  It feels pointless.  It probably IS pointless.  I never thought this would be my lot in life at this age.

PipeTobacco

Comments But No Cigar

Well, as expected, I was unable to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group yesterday.  It was a true disappointment for me.  But, if I had not worked to fix all the issues yesterday (and today), it would be utter chaos next week.  So, I did the "right" thing.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that NEXT THURSDAY, I will be able to again go.

Some replies related to a few comments from last week:

AC wrote.....

"I remember you not being happy about not recalling dreams."

That is quite true.  Most of the time I DO NOT recall dreams.... still.  It appears that when I can end up recalling a dream, it is typically when I wake up in the middle of the dream.  I wish I could recall dreams more often.

"Interesting how your ‘profession’ affects your enjoyment of food."

When I first saw your comment and it was in quotes, I misread it as 'your "Professin' " ' which to me had me chuckle, as my professing as a professor does indeed affect my food preferences.  

GaP wrote....

"Al Swearengen so aptly put it in DEADWOOD...They're handing you a bag of sh*t to hold..."

I have heard SO MANY good things about the series, "Deadwood".  Unfortunately I did not have the correct (expensive) cable channels back when it was originally on.  I need to look at what options there are now to view the show.  I would like to see it.  Same idea, truthfully for "The Sopranos" as well.  

Pam J wrote....

"Great dream! I love my dreams, most of the time. I like seeing old friends and family. Hemingway is a fun arrival in your dream world. I’m surprised at the level of detail you were able to capture."

It was fun to see Ernest Hemingway.  I have been a fan of his work and have also ~50 biographies written about him as well.  In terms of detail.... it is odd.... but I really remember few dreams, unfortunately.  But, if I am woken in the MIDDLE of a dream, I seem to have an ability to remember it.  But, then if it is a "good" dream, it is a bit frustrating as it has not finished. :)  Some, perhaps most of the dreams I recall are rather vague.  Only an occasional dream is vivid in detail for me.

Pat M wrote....

"...maybe you could allow yourself one pipeful of tobacco on any Thursday when you are unable to attend the group? That might be exactly the "miniature vacation" you'll need today in the midst of the stressful repairs."

That would be an excellent alternative, and I would relish that as an option.  But, truthfully, I am not sure if I were to have a (delightful, robust, aromatically diverse, beautifully soothing) pipe in an occasion that was not rigidly structured, precisely regulated, and purposefully planned with an obvious end point..... I am not sure if it would not become a "slippery slope" sort of situation for me.  Would I find ways to then further "not attend" the group?  Would I simply indulge in a pipe at home in this scenario.... and if so, would I become inclined to do so at will?  As I am not sure of my willpower when I do not have rigid enough parameters for a pipe, it makes me rather nervous to do as suggested.... even though it is a wonderful idea.

StreetWriter wrote....

"I think you should treat the Cigar Group as an unbreakable appointment."

I do try to make it as immutable as possible.  But, the weight of these errors of others was significant enough, that I HAD to step in.

"You should tell the others who have been messing up that they damn well better have those things corrected by tomorrow."

Those exact thoughts along with similar language (perhaps even a bit more coarse) were running through my mind all day yesterday as what I would LIKE to have done.  But, I would have felt guilty in doing so.  People do make mistakes.  And, sometimes those mistakes affect others, but I have to try to view such things as a "teachable" moment, and act with as much kindness as I can muster.  I was trying yesterday and today, to try to think more with a Capuchin ethos... at least as much of one as I could attain.  

Margaret wrote....

'Ernest Hemingway was a pipe smoker so he definitely belonged in your dream. I don't like steak either, salmon in restaurants is often of the farmed variety and I don't like a bunch of starchy sides. I would probably order a pork chop like you did or a side salad and some kind of appetizer, if they had those."

Ernest Hemingway is a fellow with whom I have spent a great deal of time reading biographies.  I find his life extremely interesting (for good and bad).  I am not sure why he in particular struck such a chord with me, as I have ~50 biographies about him, as well as all of his works.  I also have a fair interest in two of his contemporaries as well.... John Steinbeck and William Faulkner.... although I have only a subset of each of their works and perhaps 2-3 biographies of each fellow.

"Those glasses plus the beard must make you look very learned,"

It is interesting to me, that because I am truly average at best in all regards, and this includes appearances.... instead of TRYING to model myself after the fashion trends, or in trying to adopt a "GQ" sort of demeanor.... all my life, I have generally focused on....  when having to adopt attire, adopt an "appearance", etc.... I have gravitated towards a rather stereotypical trope of a "professor" even well  before I became one.  To chase after a trend, or a style, or a "cutting edge" appearance always seemed too damn exhausting, and also not possible with my averageness.  So, instead, I have, even as a kid, sort of "leaned in" on the demeanor type of the "absent minded professor".  It was an easy, comfortable fit, and I did not have to worry about trends. And, getting back to the glasses.... I always liked wire rimmed glasses, and also liked the "old shopkeeper" "owlish" sort of look of the round glasses too.  And, as I have aged, it is an even easier, even more comfortable fit.

* * * * *

• I did run 6.2 miles (10 km) in the rain (cold rain) this morning.  I am glad my heel is still pain free. I feel decent enough I may bump up back to my usual next week.  I would be quite happy to be fully back at that level.   
• I never know if folks always see the image I add atop of a post.  As is my inclination, I try in some fashion to have it link appropriately to the post.... but... at least to me, I often have that link be either an "ironic" or "humorous" connection (sometimes the humor may only be apparent to me, I fear).  But, in case you do not recognize the image... it is an EMPTY cigar box...... it was meant to evoke the idea of "no cigar for me" this week.  And the title "Comments But No Cigar" itself was my feeble attempt at a humorous corruption of the "Close But No Cigar" phrase so commonly used. 
  

PipeTobacco

Disappointment Likely

Right now, I am feeling a bit of disappointment because I do not think I will be able to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group this afternoon. Yesterday and today have become quite busy with a number of "repairs" I am needing to do for others who have been messing up.  This includes some adjunct faculty and includes some Departmental student workers.  To "fix" their errors is going to occupy a lot of my time.

I feel somewhat "put upon" by this situation, and I miss the idea of going to the group this afternoon.  It is quite a refreshing and rejuvenating experience outside of my normal day-to-day.  When I go, it feels like a miniature vacation, even though it is only about 2 hours of time at most.  

I am going to try to slough through and see if there is any way I can still squeeze it in, but it is not looking good.

Round

 I am wearing my silver, metal glasses today with the round lenses.  Some folks talk of them as being "John Lennon" glasses, but mine are a bit larger circles than the tiny "John Lennon" type.... I tend to think of them as my "Tevya" glasses:

I absolutely love the play "Fiddler on the Roof" and had a part in the performance of that play way back in high school.  Unfortunately I was not good enough (and didn't sing well enough) to play "Tevya", but I was cast in a much smaller role as "Yussel" the hatter.  Taking part in plays in high school was an extracurricular activity, not a class.  The director of our plays was both the teacher for band and the teacher for choir.  All of our plays were musicals.  Most of the kids who auditioned for and participated in the plays were either in band class (like me) or in choir class.  

I do have to admit that Musical Theater has always had a special place in my heart.   Of the very many plays I like and have seen, my top two favorites are "Fiddler on the Roof" and "Man of LaMancha".  I have to admit I was a little bit sad when I first learned my high school was performing "Man of LaMancha".... but it was two years after I had graduated.  It would have been a very fun play to participate in.  

* * * * *

• Ran another 6.2 miles (10 km) today.  I am building back up and so far, so good!  The spot on my heel is still holding on, however.  So, I am still a bit frustrated about that.... but no pain.  
• I am making a concerted effort to brush off the cobwebs and spruce up my tenor sax skills.  Even though I have been the long-standing bass clarinet player in our band (there are 1 or 2 others as well, depending on if they join a particular series),  there has been a depletion of players for the tenor sax.  I would be happy to step into that role as the parts are often very similar.... but the tenor sax often gets a few additional lines in a song that are even MORE fun than for bass clarinet.  So, if I work at polishing my abilities, I may be offered the chance to either switch (move permanently to tenor sax because of need) or perhaps even more fun "double" (play the tenor sax for a subset of songs where the benefit may be high) and the bass clarinet for others.  
• Still not sure about this Thursday's Retiree's Cigar Group, but I am hoping I can go.
• Yes, pipes and pipe tobaccos HAVE been on my mind.  But, what more can I say about them that I have not already said?  They are beautiful, nearly "magical" tools that offer a delight that words somehow cannot adequately convey.  I still miss them every day.

PipeTobacco   

Texas Roadhouse

 

On Sunday, we went to a restaurant called "Texas Roadhouse".  We went there in celebration of four October birthdays in our family, and one of the birthday folks suggested this place as their preferred location.  

I had never been to this restaurant before, as it is not of the typical food fare I gravitate towards when I do wrench money out of my wallet and "splurge".  It is basically what is called a "steak house".  I perusing the menu, I saw basically seven choices:

1. Some sort of Steak (multiple varieties, forms, and styles... including one called "Road Kill" which was a chopped steak (aka Salsbury Steak)).

2. Some sort of Shrimp thing.

3. Some sort of BBQ Chicken thing.

4. Some sort of BONELESS Pork Chop thing.

5. Some sort of Salmon thing.

6.  Some sort of RIBS thing.

7.  A "Vegetarian" Option of four side-dishes.

I really am not fond of steak.  The "Vegetarian" sides were things like french fries, mashed potatoes, buttered corn, baked potatoes etc.... so not particularly exciting fare to me. I tend to find salmon interesting, but often restaurants that do not focus on fish have salmon that can be akin to shoe leather.  I ABHOR shrimp (I do not eat "bugs" I tell my wife.).  BBQ chicken sounded uninteresting, especially because "BBQ" flavors sounded dull to me that day.  So.... even though I have not had a pork chop in probably at least 20 years or more.... I ordered the boneless pork chop dinner.

The "BONELESS" aspect of the dish was perhaps the clincher for me, as a biologist, I do not like eating meat with bones within the food.  In meat with the bone "in" style, I tend to focus on (even if I try to NOT focus on) the types of bones I can see/identify within the morphology of the beast, I notice (and identify) the various sinews (tissues like tendons), blood vessels, and with the bone "in" I also end up identifying specifically which muscle group I have for consumption as well.  These (seemingly for me impossible to squelch) thoughts towards identifying and examining anatomical structures, recalling their names, and their known physiologies tend to detract from my enjoying the items as FOOD.  

So, I was overjoyed when the BONELESS pork chops WERE boneless, and had no visible sinews or other structural elements present and simply appeared as FOOD.  They tasted pretty good, and came with a heavy peppercorn sauce as well, which was VERY tasty.  The meal came with two side dishes.  I simply picked the two sides with the lowest calorie (fat gram) counts.  

* * * * *

Other items:

• Ran today, and I ran HARD.  I only ran 6.2 miles (10 km) but it is good in terms of my building back up my mileage.  
• My heel does not hurt (knock on wood).  I am still wearing the salicyclic patches to try to get the last little cornified remnant to pop off soon.  With a lack of pain, I should be able to build back up to my normal distance relatively easily... I hope.  
• I am not sure if I can go to the Retiree's Cigar Group this Thursday, but I am hoping I can go.  I realize the camaraderie is very valuable to me and I do seem to be accepted.  The cigar "ticket price" for admission is also "ok" too.  It is not a pipe, but it is nice.
• I spent a lot of the weekend working on things for my research students.  My wife was spending time with her sister (my SIL was one of the birthday folks).  I missed my wife, but with my SIL's health so ambiguous (the dialysis, the Diabetes, the foot issues, the circulatory issues) that I knew it was REALLY important for my wife to get to spend as much quality time as possible with my SIL.  
• On this past Friday, we did go to my SIL's house and played euchre with her and her husband.  We always end up having a fun time.  My SIL made a really good, tart lemon, no-bake cheesecake.  I also indulged in two"Two-Hearted River IPAs" which were very pleasant.
• I had an incredibly full and robust dream about my pipes Saturday evening.  But it was interesting in that it was not a remembrance of a real event per se, but instead an amalgam of some real and many unreal (but pleasing) items....

1. I was perhaps in my late 30s-early 40s (so quite a spell ago), and I had only just a very small patch of grey on one side of my beard a little bit smaller than the size of a dime by my chin.
2. I was actively smoking a number of bowls of Sir Walter Raleigh cube-cut pipe tobacco, rather serially in one of my full-bent Petersons while I was writing something or other in a yellow legal pad.  The Sir Walter Raleigh was so nourishing to my mind as I was working and writing.  I could feel it massage and coax and guide each neuron in my mind.  I was wearing a rather traditional, solid, light-blue button-down, long-sleeved shirt and button down collar.  I had the sleeves rolled up. A rare instance of me not wearing a hat too. 
3. I most assuredly DID NOT need a separate pair of glasses for reading like I do now, and simply wore my regular strongly myopic pair while working.  It was nice NOT having the two pair.

So, the above three were pretty realistic aspects of my dream.  Now I outline the obviously unreal aspects of the dream.

1.  But, the desk I was at was huge, and ROUND in shape, even though it had drawers on either side of me.  It was perhaps 10 feet wide.
2.  I did not have ANY sort of beverage (nada.... no water, tea, soda, beer, etc).  This is perhaps the least realistic aspect of the dream, as for at least 40 years, I have been diligent about having some sort of fluid with me at all times. 
3. And, so I am sitting there working (writing), smoking my pipe.  The room itself is bright, but hazy white, with little to no definition other than the desk and the items on my desk.  
4. Then I hear a knock on some door I cannot actually see, and then in walks ERNEST HEMINGWAY !  He shakes my hand and starts to sit down to talk. I was flabbergasted, but very excited for the opportunity.

Unfortunately, I then woke up from the dream.  I think this is perhaps why it seemed so vivid, as it was not at any sort of conclusion.  It would have been nice to continue in that dream for longer.

 

PipeTobacco

  

Low Focus

 I am feeling extremely unfocused today, although I am fighting and struggling to get things I need to get done, accomplished.  My thoughts have been drifting more to thinking about my friend in hospice, and into the very dark rabbit hole of thinking about the meaninglessness of pretty much everything we do.  Thinking too hard on how useless, pointless, and meaningless any effort or any work we try to do in any facet of our lives..... is a truly soul-crushing mindset to be in.  Her being in hospice also has me remembering more deeply the deaths of so many loved family members and friends, and has had me re-experiencing the grief from these losses.  Not really anything else I can say about any of the above.... but it is damn hard to be in this mindset.  I have not yet figured out a way to push out of this thought pattern today.

Yesterday, I DID end up going to the Retiree's Cigar Group.  There were enough of the fellows who are super-talkative, that I could be my rather quiet self without worry.  It was a very pleasant way to spend part of the afternoon.  There, I was able to get out of my mind for a while and just relaxed.  I randomly picked a cigar this week, and did so because the band was interesting.  It was a simple grey and white band with a slight blue line outlining some of the letters.  I knew nothing about this cigar, but because the band matched the colors of our house (white with grey trim and a blue door), that is why I selected it.  Surprisingly, it turned out to be the most enjoyable of the cigars I had experienced in this Retiree's Cigar Group. It was still not a pipe.  But, it had more "nuance" than the others I had.  

And, I did also run, lift weights, and swim later in the day.  My swim, unfortunately, was a solo mission as my wife had a work-related dinner to attend last night.  

I have so much I need to DO, but so little energy to fight the entropy that is my mind at the moment.  

PipeTobacco

Early

 

I did not feel like running this morning, and therefore, to TRY to stay productive, I went to the U early.  I am hoping to get many things accomplished especially in regards to the new research projects for my researchers.  I am not highly motivated, but I am trying to force myself through the sloth-like attitude and do what I need to do in an efficient fashion.  

My emotions are rather difficult to manage right now, as I learned yesterday that a close friend from graduate school has now entered hospice.  She has had to go through a huge array of health issues in the last six years or so.  Yet, at the same time, it had seemed that her battle had been stable.  This news has me feeling a sense of loss, and also has me thinking back across to our roughly 40 year friendship.  I have been recalling a lot of dusty memories of graduate school.

I am in a 50-50 mode concerning the Retiree's Cigar Group today.  A part of me wants to go.  But, another part of me feels a) the long drive is not appealing, b) I am not sure if my general mood would be conducive to having it be a relaxing experience, and c) I feel that perhaps I should instead just plow forward with more work.

I DO have definitive plans, however, to at the end of the day (either after work, or after the Retiree's Cigar Group) to get in a run..... and possibly some weights work, and hopefully a swim.  I am trying to keep up my momentum as I return to running.  I am still below the mileage I want in a week, and my heel is still healing (it is pain free, but has a deeply red, irritated looking region roughly the size of a quarter,  so it is still a work in progress).... but I am back to daily running. I am trying to start a consistent pattern of weight training as well (my goal is three times a week for this).  

So.... back to work, I guess.  

PipeTobacco

Wednesday

Wednesday is always a busy day this semester.  It is my longest day in regards to lecturing.  More frost again this morning.  This is now the fifth day of frost.  I am even considering turning on the furnace at home today as it is hovering close to 60 F (~15 C) inside now and that is very cold feeling especially in the morning. It feels somewhat "wimpy" to do so, however.  

I pulled out one of my heavier, tweedier sport coats to wear today.  I do not think I had worn it since perhaps last March.  When I reached the U, I was trying to slide my phone into the jacket pocket when I realized there was one of my beautiful pipes in the pocket.  I likely had been carrying it around as a "pacifier" of sorts back in March to quell my yearnings.  Today, finding it unexpectedly in my pocket, actually intensified a bit my already (omnipresent) yearnings for a pipe.  But, at least I can fiddle with it a bit throughout the day.  

I ran (pain free) 5 miles yesterday, and another 5 miles today.  That is a dramatic improvement.  I am hoping to be back up to my normal soon.  I hope the last of the damn corn/wart thing will "pop out" soon and it will all be DONE.  

I do not know if this was an idea for a story that I read, or if it was one of a variety of "sci-fi" plot lines I have actually developed myself over the years.... but I was thinking about this story idea and how enjoyable it could be..... IF our life WAS predestined, it would be potential to have a known flow diagram of what each day of our lives would be.  In my thoughts on this story construct, I imagined how, if it were possible, I would organize the experiencing of these days of my life.  In my mind, I envisioned receiving some sort of "guide" from an "overseer" (perhaps God, or perhaps something else) that would list all the days of your life with a 1-10 ranking of how you would perceive and experience that day, with "1" being a horrific day and "10" being a wonderful day.  In my mind, other than my death day, which I would put at the end of the string of all my days, I would aggregate and order my days in order so that I could live through first all the "1s" and then all the "2s" so that as I experienced all my days, they would get progressively brighter and happier, at least until my death day. 

I was reminded of the above story outline this morning as I was imagining in my head the very pleasant idea of being able to relive some of the especially happy moments.  Today, I was envisioning in my mind the idea of being able to relive several, very happy, very contented, very casual days in the mid-1970s.  I was reflecting on how carefree, and calming, and damn fun days were, especially in my mind today, in roughly the 1975 & 1976 years.  In many ways, there always seemed to be exciting things happening, time seemed rather limitless, and pretty much most days were carefree and joyful.  

PipeTobacco  

Sounds and Symbols

 

Yesterday, we had the last public concert of our Fall Series.  We had many very enjoyable songs to play in this series.  One in particular that I will miss is one that was very much new to me.   Clare Grundman wrote this song in the 1950s based upon excerpts of several 1800s songs, but we specifically played Robert Longfield's band arrangement of  Grundman's song..... "Kentucky-1800".  The bass clarinet part was an especially fun and enjoyable one for me to play with a lot of sonorous and well-rounded sounds required that used the deepest part of my instrument's register.   

Next week we begin rehearsals for our Christmas Series.  Our first public performance will be about a week before Thanksgiving. I am hoping for some very fun parts to play.

I do appreciate all the thoughts and ideas about how I should just smoke my pipe at the Retiree's Cigar Group.....just because I would like to.  In many ways you may be correct, and perhaps your comments will help to nudge me in that direction.  Currently, though, I (perhaps stupidly) feel I am too much of a "newbie" to the group to "brazenly" do something outside of the group's routine.  I like feeling comfortable and like fitting in.  I know it may sound foolish.  But, at least at the moment, it seems like I would feel out-of-place in deviating from the group's routine.  I shall think about it more, however, but i am not sure the symbolism of deviating from the group's routine would be stressful.

PipeTobacco

Roly-Poly

The "Roly-Poly" I speak of is more properly called a "Sow Bug" or even MORE properly called Porcellio scaber.  This specific species is the smaller of two organisms commonly called a "Roly-Poly".  The common name is for obvious reasons relating to its behavioral posture under certain environmental pressures.  Porcellio scaber, the species I am most familiar with... is much smaller (perhaps 0.5 cm) than the larger species Armadillidium vulgare which looks rather similar but can grow over an inch in length (2.54 cm).  

Even though I did a helluva lot this weekend, truthfully... I wanted to be like the above roly-poly, and would have rather stayed curled up in bed the whole weekend long.

Two factors that occured on Friday were major factors in my wanting to sleep away the entirety of the weekend:

1.  The "two dots" I received.  Because my efforts last week with the salcyclic acid were very effective in removing much of the deep, heavy callous on my heel (due to running).... this time, the "two dots" I received from the "foot dude" (my new moniker for him) actually began to exert some definitive influence..... the small area covered by the two dots became quite swollen, VERY painful to stand on, and I could feel it doing "stuff" there even when I was not standing on my foot.  I believe this is what the "food dude" was thinking would have happened the last time, where the dot had minimal effect.  However, with my heel VERY, VERY painful to stand upon, I did not want to do anything other than lounge in bed. I limped around all weekend, even with my softest sneakers.

2.  As I had already planned, this past Friday I (and my wife also) received our new variant Covid vaccine and this year's Flu vaccine.  Surprisingly, I did not feel much this time after these injections on Friday, nor on Saturday morning.  However, by Saturday afternoon... I was almost "out for the count".  At Mass on Saturday, I had the focus and attention span of a gnat who had consumed 4 espressos.  

So, what did I do this weekend?  A whole helluva lot (at least for my "condition")... not in chronological order:

1.  Mass

2.  Visited my Mother-In-Law with my wife

3.  Worked as an "actor" of sorts at a simulation that was being held for a Community Action Group's "In-Service",  An "in-service" may not be the right word, as it is a word usually used by teachers about outside-of-classroom educational experiences teachers get to have.  But it is in the same sort of vein, but for folks in this Community Action Group.  It was a simulation for them to learn more about what it was like to live at/near poverty.

4.  Went shopping to a dollar store in the town where the simulation was held to try to find budget vanilla and hazelnut coffee syrups (no luck, but we had found it there LAST YEAR at this time).

5.  Went swimming once.... thinking it might make me feel better.... as I was having a fever, and would feel alternatively hot and cold much of yesterday afternoon.  The water DID help, and it seemed to help me feel more homeostatic in terms of temperature.

The above is really not a whole helluva lot, I know.  But, it WAS quite a bit for how rough I was feeling. 

* * * * *

An in-person friend who reads here but never comments..... sadly, I do not get many comments at all.... asked me:

"You haven't written about your pipes in quite a while.  What's up with that?" he stated.

I wasn't really sure how to respond.  So I was kind of evasive, or perhaps "dismissive" is the better word.  So, I will try to reason it out here:

• Part of me isn't really sure what to write about them anymore.  I still miss them.  I still think about time every day.  I still have dreams about smoking my pipes, or have dreams of memories when I was smoking my pipes.  Folks likey get tired of hearing this. 
• Part of me thought that by not writing about my pipes and pipe tobaccos that it would perhaps decrease my interest, decrease my desire for them.  That has NOT happened.
• As you know, the damn foot has thrown me for a loop in many ways.  One HUGE way is that it has caused me to FAIL at reaching my 50 mile (~80 km) running goal each of the last 2 weeks.  I had never failed in my 50 mile goal each week since I established the damn goal very nearly 5 years ago.  This failure is difficult.  It makes me doubt a lot of my abilities to set and accomplish goals.
• I have mostly been going to the Retiree's Cigar Group.  I missed two Thursdays due to being extraordinarily busy with work and with my damn foot.  The camaraderie is very, very pleasant.  I am feeling more and more a part of the group.  Being in the group IS a very good thing.  I have had a cigar each time I do go.  The cigars are "nice" overall.  But the cigars are for the most part, forgettable, albeit expensive. 
• I am still thinking I may indulge in a single pipe at the Retiree's Cigar Group when it is the closest Thursday to my dad's 101st birthday in November.  I think it would be "ok" to do so.  But, at the same time.... I have NEVER seen a single patron of that shop EVER be a pipe smoker, nor have I EVER seen anyone (other than me) glance at their rather minor pipe tobacco and pipe collection.  But, this place really is NOT a pipe place.  So, even though I may still force myself near my Dad's birthday, I am tending to doubt I would ever regularly enjoy a pipe there.  I would feel rather too conspicuous.  I would feel "outside".  I would feel "pushy".  Cigars are this place's (and these guy's) "thing".    I think, though, the friendship will keep me going there.  
  

Guess the above is all I can write for today.

PipeTobacco 

 

TWO New Dots

 

I have been feeling rather grumpy, tired, forlorn, and just basically forcing myself through the day lately.  It is a challenge.  I do not want it to be like this, and I know if I persevere, it will improve eventually.  But, I feel very tired.  I feel uninspired.  I feel like a sloth.  

So, some news I had missed reporting:

• Yesterday, the vast majority of the corn/wart thing on my heel popped out as I removed the latest bandaid after having treated it with salicylic acid.   The pain was GONE!  Well, other than the muscle pain in my foot from not having walked heel-to-toe for a while.... soreness from forcing myself to do so.

Back to today:

• So, today, I went to the foot doctor.  It was an 8:00am appointment.  I could not cancel yesterday after the corn/wart popped out without incurring a penalty since it was not a full 24 hours.  I also figured it would potentially be good for him to see it.  However, I was not enthused about telling him that I had used the salicylic acid and had not just let his little "dot" do something for the whole of the two weeks. 
• So I told him.  He was nonplussed. He said he could see I had done so.  In his examination of the "crater" where the corn/wart was, he started to trim and I could feel his scalpel blade hit rougher, more dense edges during his trimming work, which to me suggested there was still some bits of remnant corn/wart material still. 
• He then told me exactly that.... that it appeared that there was still a little bit left that still needed to come out.  
• He then proceeded to apply TWO dots of his material to the spot (deep in the crater zone).  He also suggested that I could continue to use the salicylic acid, but that I should probably do so only every other day.  
• Now that the majority of the damn thing is out, and now that the very heavy callous on my heel (from the pounding of running) has been worked through (BY THE SALICYCLIC ACID) to get out the majority of the damn thing.... now.... 6 hours after the application of the TWO dots of his material, I can actually feel it working and doing something (hopefully helpful) within the crater.  
• The area he applied the TWO dots to now is painful again.... but in a way that I suspect is a POSITIVE sort of pain because it feels like the remnant, undesired corn/wart tissues may be dissolving.  
• As I am supposed to wash my foot 8 hours after application of these TWO dots (I had to do this in the same way after the ONE dot from the previous appointment), I suspect I may see some positive results when I clean there.  

So, overall I am hopeful this may have been a useful visit.  I am hopeful that it may be completely gone soon.  And, with the extensive additional stretching I am now doing, I think that is helping as well.  

PipeTobacco  

MORE Stretching

I cannot recall if I mentioned this before, but because of the "doctor's" one little drop of an acid doing little to no good after the first day to my heel, I have now taken to putting my own salicylic acid to the damnable area to attempt to accelerate the process (or truthfully.... lack of any appreciable progress after day 1).  The area is now softend (on my very heavily calloused heel, and I can see the circle encompassing the entirety of the damnable corn/wart/whatever that has to come out.  The skin around the central core is now whitish in color and soft.  If things continue as anticipated, sometime in the future (hopefully before having to go see the "doctor" again on Friday), the damable thing will pop out like it did for the previous one I had way back when I was a young, early-stage, wet-behind-the ears graduate student so many decades ago.

Because spot and neighboring tissue is softened somewhat by the salicylic acid, I have LESS (by no means NOT zero) pain while walking.  So, I can tolerate normal shoes for short periods of time (started today).  I also decided I could not wait any longer, so I FORCED myself to run this morning.  It felt emotionally good to run even though my damn heel was painful due to the damn spot.  But, I hoofed out 5 miles (~8km), which while not my usual.... was better than the damnable ZERO I had been doing because of the pain.  

The biggest thing I focused on and focus on most of the day, is to walk (or run) very "heel-to-toe" which is my NORMAL GAIT.  For the last couple of weeks as the pain grew more intense with the spot, I had began babying my heel and walking more on the "balls" of my feet (the front part by the toe box).  This change in gait also caused havoc to my lower leg muscles as a result and that further added to my discomfort.  So, all weekend long, I had been engaging in triple, sometimes quadruple the amount of stretching I normally do with my legs, each day.  It has been helpful, and I think it is also a part of the REDUCTION (not elimination) of pain.  

I feel like being grumpy toward the "doctor" on Friday.  He should have froze the damn thing off and it would already be done.  I do not know what my mindset will be on Friday, so I am not sure how it will go.  He likely may be annoyed that I have been putting the salicylic acid on the spot.  If I did not, he could likely continue his foolish "one drop of acid" approach every two weeks through 2027 and I could help him make the last payments on his damn boat mortgage.  If he gives me hell about it, however, it may break the dam in terms of my response(s) back to him.  

PipeTobacco 

A Bit

Even though I DO sort of WANT to BITE someone/something out of frustration, that is not the reason for the title.  I am feeling a little bit less pain and discomfort.

I did NOT run this morning out of fear to make the condition worse.  With my usual khakis, sport-coat, tie, and flat brim hat, I am sporting big, BRIGHT WHITE sneakers that are cushiony and soft for my feet.  I look foolish, but it is allowing me ambulate with less pain.

I am still sad and frustrated at this situation.

PipeTobacco

Discomfort

I forced myself to run today.  But, I only ran 5 miles (~8km).  The damn thing hurts like hell.  I am TRYING to force myself to walk and run normally, as I had noticed that my favoring the damn spot on the heel had made me tend to walk on the ball of my foot and that is in itself causing my achillies to tighten and that too is painful.  

I am not happy at this current state.  I wish I would have gone somewhere else to have had it frozen and it would have fallen out by now, or figured out something else.

The pain in walking and running also inadvertently causes me to grit my teeth, and so my TMJ is also acting up... which already was on edge because of the damn dental cleaning I had yesterday.

PipeTobacco