Physical Exertion

It is not a surprise to anyone here that I run as a form of exercise.  A rough estimate that I think is pretty accurate is that I have been running now for closing in on ~12 years.  

I ran initially to see if I COULD do so.  When I was a kid, and rather chunky, I never ran..... because as a kid, I had a fear of failure and a fear of being ridiculed by the "cool" athletic kids.  I did, also, however, greatly ADMIRE folks who DID run.  I was also in AWE of an adult who I knew who ran, and admired his strength and determination to do so.  I always was in awe of folks who could run.  But, I never gave it much thought for me, as I believed it to be impossible.  Even when I lost the massive amount of weight I forced myself to lose (~135 pounds) to reach dead-center BMI, I never even considered running for several years.  

But, when I found I actually did have enough stamina, and enough gumption, and enough stubbornness to be able to run..... I found the IMPORTANT REASON for me to run, was primarily to reduce feelings of stress, day-to-day.   The other effects are mostly what I consider fringe benefits..... bonuses.  

I am eager to go to the Retiree's Cigar Group later today.  I hope it is as enjoyable as I am envisioning.

PipeTobacco 

A Fork in the Road/Routine

I was just thinking about Thanksgiving which is next Thursday, November 27th.  And, I realized that unfortunately, Thanksgiving will result in the cancellation of the Retiree's Cigar Group because the shop closes for Thanksgiving.  

The loss of being with the group on Thursday the 27th is not pleasant.  But, in keeping with my idea of trying to find a positive resolution to something I cannot really regulate or control, I have been thinking.  And, I think I have a nice idea I MAY try:

Since there is NO Retiree's Cigar Group next week, I am thinking that I may purposefully go there one day next week when they are open, when I can.  I am thinking I could go perhaps on Monday  as I have at least a bit of the afternoon available to go as there is not band this upcoming Monday.  I also think it would be a good day as it would be a way for me to celebrate my Dad's 102nd Birthday and remember him.  I am even thinking of bringing a pipe, and having a pipe there and possibly one smaller than usual cigar IF there are any of my friends there on this what will be an atypical day.  The cigar would allow me to buy something (their pipe tobacco is miniscule, and also would be far too moist to smoke immediately).  

At least at the moment, I believe the above could be a workable plan.  We will see if it actually transpires.

PipeTobacco

An Attitude of Gratitude

So, during the considerable thinking I did during the weekend, I RE-RECOGNIZED something I already KNEW, but had somehow lost track of.  This re-recognition, I believe, will be a partial way I can change myself into a person who feels more "alive" and potentially more "content".  I know and understand that this is NOT some deep, philosophical construct and that it is simple (and some might say "polly-annish") logic.  I believe that one important step I can make toward feeling more alive and content is to more consistently develop and attitude of gratitude.   

An attitude of gratitude is a mindset where a person consistently focuses on and appreciates the positive things in their life, whether they are large or small.   And a rather important aspect of this is to strive to reduce dwelling on problems and/or failings as much as is reasonable.  

In many ways, the formation of an attitude of gratitude is a CONSCIOUS choice to recognize positives and to be sure to give them the appropriate "weight" they warrant given that for most (or at least for ME) my failings, my faults, and my problems seem to amplify in my mind.... and I am thinking that at least SOME of the time they are amplifying beyond what is warranted. I have read about this technique before, and I believe it has merit. My hope is that cultivating this attitude can potentially lead me to increases in happiness, optimism, and well-being. 

Some of the things I am going to try to have become a consistent habit for me include:

Conjuring up in my mind, daily appreciation.  I have been trying since Friday to sit for a few minutes before I start to read in bed at night.... and to mentally list at least FIVE things that I am grateful for from the day.  On rough days, it may be quite simple things like having been able to eat nourishing food, or having gotten up in a timely way in the morning.  But, on other days the list can expand and may have many elaborate components.  Reminding myself of anything I can think of that was positive..... makes it less likely I will focus on or at least less likely I will be overcome by negative things that may have occurred.  

I am trying to MORE verbally express gratitude.  Thus far, I have been more specific and more frequent in letting my wife know how and why I so appreciate and love her.  After Mass on Saturday as we were walking out, I specifically thanked my Retiree Cigar Group friend for getting me involved in the group.  I thanked our priest for his especially thought-provoking Homily.  I even thanked my dog for her companionship.   

I am also ACCEPTING that I ruminate and I do not think I will ever be able to master NOT ruminating.  But, INSTEAD of ruminating on things that HURT, I am trying to muster an ability to ruminate about positive thoughts and positive emotions I experience.  

I am also TRYING to develop an attitude where I can acknowledge I do some positive things.  I have been trying to reawaken an appreciation for things I do that can be identified as positives for others.  I have been thinking about how my effort in teaching is helping students reach their career aspirations, how my carefulness in care for my dog has allowed her to be quite robust and healthy at 13 years of age.  

Thus far, my efforts in the above have been able to shape my days and nights to be more peaceful.  And, for me that is very positive.  

I do not think the above represents ALL the work I need to do, by any means.  But, as an attempt to improve.... I feel the trajectory HAS moved in a better direction.  

PipeTobacco

Bootstraps Again

 

I have spent considerable time since last Thursday's post thinking about and trying to determine a course of action to "fix what ails me".  And, as I have determined in the past but then fail to follow is that I need to figure out a way to "pick myself up by my bootstraps" as the colloquialism goes.  

So, that is what I have been thinking about engaging during the weekend and into this week.  I will be trying to put down on paper (blog paper... aka... HERE) my ideas, goals, and thoughts.  I hope that it will work and it will be a productive venture.

PipeTobacco

I Do Not Know

 I am struggling a lot emotionally.  Feelings of inadequacy and of being a failure, feelings of disappointment about the conference, feelings of still not getting enough DONE and being constantly on edge with looming deadlines.  My phone situation (still fixing some smaller things), and the conference challenges usurped the precious little energy reserve I had.  

It is hard that my mind is constantly seeing things I should and need to DO, but my body and my emotions want to do nothing.  

Somehow I have to figure a way to push and fight through this and find contentedness and peace.  I do not know where or how I will find the energy to push and fight, however.

PipeTobacco

I have to fight through this.    

Time

I have spent numerous hours both on Monday and Tuesday, attempting to talk with various folks on the phone related to the conference I was set to travel to this Friday.  Airlines, hotels, and the conference folks themselves were all contacted and talked with.  

Ultimately, the ambiguities of travel to and from the California destination due to the governmental shutdown have forced me to cancel my in-person presence.  While I do sincerely regret not getting to visit Southern California (especially at this time of year), and while I had been thinking and anticipating all the enjoyable food and weather and adventure experiences I had hoped for (including a very pleasant sounding pipe shop), for my own sanity, and for my own reduction in anxiety..... this was the better decision.  

I truly dreaded the idea of TRYING to get TO and TRYING to get HOME from this travel.  What I have read and seen is a nightmare of LONG, LONG, LONG delays, crowding, huge amounts of cancellations impacting many, many flights and impacting a minimum of at least 100,000 passengers.  The stress would have made the experience untenable.  

So, it is a bit of bittersweet acceptance that this is the better option.

PipeTobacco

Cat & Mouse

 

As an old professor, I do not relish, nor do I want to be involved in political wrangling that is now affecting me in the current cat and mouse game our politicians are perpetrating.  It is causing me a significant amount of anxiety.  

As I spoke of this past Saturday, I have a research conference I am set to present at where I am scheduled to leave on Friday.  The potential flight cancellations and delays that may arise going to.... but ESPECIALLY returning from this conference have me on edge.  I would love to spend a few days in California, but the undecided potential flight issues have me dreading each and every step of this process.  I am filled with anxiety about not getting back to the U in a timely fashion.  I am worried about the care of my dog if I am delayed.  I am dreading the potential of living in airports for who knows how long.  

The "best" case scenario at the moment for my mental and emotional health would be if the airline I am on would make some sort of damn decisions further out than when you arrive at the damn airport.  If I could find out and demonstrate that one or more of my flights is cancelled, I could then cancel hotel accommodations, and flight options (I think) and potentially present virtually (I think).  In this scenario, I would then not have to be filled with anxiety all this week and through the conference.  And, in this scenario, I would not have to eat the costs of missing days in the hotel, would not have to worry about getting back to the U in a timely fashion, would not have to worry about my dog.  

This political wrangling is far different from a weather related delay.  Weather related issues are "accepted" by my grant and also by my U.  But, political mumbo-jumbo would not be.  I do not want to eat these costs, nor do I want to spend several days roaming around airports only to likely also miss the scheduled times of my talks.

I am frustrated and do not know where to turn at the moment.  

PipeTobacco

Concerns

An unusual (for me) Saturday post.  But, I am doing so in a few moments in between other computer work as I sit here in my home office trying to figure things out and catch back up on a lot of things.

A variety of concerns are items I am trying to figure out and deal with:

1. Still working on getting phone contacts set up.  It is very time consuming.

2. The other items on my phone that are difficult involve some of my "fun" aspects as well.  The new phone had required me to download the browser I had used before when accessing blogs for everyone... and unfortunately, the bookmarks are gone, so I am trying to establish them again.  Some are easier as I can go to comments and see the person's links to their own blog, but in some instances, the comment does not lead back to an indication of the person's blog.  It means I am not able to contact all people yet.  I am trying to fix this.

3.  A new, politically driven, worry has now also popped up, that is too ambiguous to even know how to deal with at the moment.  With the new political shut-down development causing a 10% reduction in airline flights..... and with my having had long-term plans to travel to and present research at a conference in California..... with plans to leave late next week..... I am in an awful conundrum:

    a.  I have no idea YET if my flights will be affected/cancelled/altered on the trip TO the conference.

    b.  I have even WORSE worry about if my RETURN flights will be affected/cancelled/altered on my return HOME from the conference.  

The issues related to the above concerns are i) my travel times are quite TIGHT for layover flights in both directions, and delays may make me miss connecting flights, ii) the number of days I have for the conference WITHOUT impacting my U work are also tight.... and I am fearful that if there are problems on the RETURN flights, I may have issues relating to classes and other work at the U, iii) as the way these things work.... I have to pay up front for conference registration, flights, hotel accommodations out-of-pocket.... and then submit receipts for reimbursement from my grant funds after the fact.  But, if ultimately flights are cancelled (or worse, very delayed), and hotel accommodations are not used or incompletely used (by delay), it may be financially impactful as well.  The conference block of accommodations had a cancellation cut-off of about 1 month ago.  I have no idea if/how I may be stuck for costs and fees if I have delayed or cancelled flights for the hotel accommodations.  I have no idea how delayed flights/cancelled flights may play out either.... may I get refunds or only ticket vouchers?  And, depending on how all the above works out.... this determines what I may or may not be able to submit for actual reimbursement from my grants.  I cannot seek reimbursement from my grants for days I am not using a hotel even if I am unable to stay there if there are delays and I may still be on the hook for paying for them.  The same is also true about the flight costs.... if I were to be given vouchers but the conference is not attended, I am not able to be reimbursed for the flights... and instead have to eat the costs.  It is all very worrisome and disconcerting.  

So, there are many items I am trying to figure out besides my NORMAL U work and at the same time try to have some semblance of a non-work life.  It is keeping me rather exhausted, and I am still recovering from my laryngitis to a degree.  

Thursday and Friday of this week were very busy with trying to catch-up on things that had been displaced/delayed due to the peak of my illness and the destruction of my phone, but on Thursday, I forced myself to go to the Retiree's Cigar Group.  Unfortunately, it was not particularly successful.  I was rather too keyed-up about "things I should be doing" and about the new on that day announcements about the impending 10% flight reductions to actually be able to successfully work myself into the state of relaxation at the Retiree's Cigar Group that I had such a desire to obtain.  I still felt edgy and worried when I eventually left, and my mind did not feel any real sense of relaxation.  

During a few days during the prior week when I was exceptionally sick with the laryngitis and when my phone was initially destroyed, I DID NOT run.  For better or worse I could not muster up the ability to force myself to do so.  But, during this week, I have forced myself back into the regular running even as I was still recovering and still dealing with the phone.  I am not sure if running was helpful or not.  But, I am at least relieved I did it.  But, it was not able to help  me reduce the feelings of stress.  

PipeTobacco

Damn Fruit

I am still working many long hours with the fruit people to try to get the replacement phone functional and up to snuff.  Unfortunately, for reasons I do not understand, but likely due to what the vehicle did that ran over my phone, while the apps I had are still in the fruit cloud they each need to be individually downloaded again by me and I have to re-log in officially with each one which requires whatever the password was previously.  So, in effect, for all these apps, I have go through each apps method of password recovery and resetting.  It is extremely time consuming.  And, while my contacts did return BY PHONE NUMBER, the name of who belongs to that phone number did NOT return.  This too is a nightmare in terms of trying to figure out who folks are related to these numbers, and it will likely be something I am working through for the next week or more.

It is not enjoyable.  Slowly, however, I am getting (I hope) things back into some order of some sort.

PipeTobacco

All Sorts of Hurdles

Unfortunately, getting and reactivating a replacement phone has more hurdles than I could ever imagine.  My wife chose for us the style of phone.... long, long ago, that is named after a piece of fruit.  This company puts a huge number of blockages in the way of being able to fix a situation like mine.  A few of these:

1.  My "fruit ID".  Probably because I am old, I do not constantly mess around with and fuss with my phone.  I do not constantly search for new and better apps, nor do I visit the fruit app store unless I have to, nor do I find it jolly good fun to search around all things "fruit" and fuss and mess around.  So, inadvertently, some time over the last decade or so, I probably had to change the password to get some sort of app for authentication.  But, unfortunately, I had no damn idea what that new password was. So, I had to go through a "new password" algorithm since the destroyed phone could not receive texts from the fruit store.  This meant the fruit store put me in "lockdown" for 5 days while they investigated things and I could not do anything.

2.  At midnight yesterday, the fruit store sent me a text telling me to change my password.  Which I did, immediately.

3.   I have been on the U phone all day, now trying to get ready for activating the new phone when it eventually arrives.  

That is about all I can write at the moment.

PipeTobacco

Just the Facts

After my last post, last week.... I ran into several troubling items.  I am just listing the facts here, as I do not have the energy to try to describe things.  As the week progresses, I will likely expand more.... unless I end up finding it easier to simply try to forget these items and "move on":

1.  My "ill feelings" that I thought were from my vaccines apparently were not from the vaccines (or at least MOST of the "ill feelings" were not from the vaccines). I must have caught the local "bug" that has been all over the place at the U within a day or two before getting the vaccines. I was hugely ill all last week from the time I wrote my last post.  Besides fever/sweats/chills being rampant, I had a sore throat that was not bad, but it caused unstoppable fits of coughing... while trying to sleep.  I could not lay flat, and most of the rest of the week I was downstairs sitting upright and not sleeping much if at all (I do not seem to have much ability to sleep sitting upright).  The worst of it was the most horrendous case of laryngitis I have ever experienced.  I could not speak at all until just a little bit Saturday night.  

2.  The laryngitis destroyed much of my ability to teach Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  I was beyond sick and sore and ill, but I struggled through TRYING to teach as best as I could but it was not very good at all.  

3.  On Wednesday, I went to the doctor and was prescribed an antibiotic and two other medicines to help reduce night coughing and to try to quell the laryngitis.  

4  But, on the way home, I stopped to by myself a Diet Dr. Pepper fountain drink to try to sooth my throat.  The absolute IDIOT that I am, I stupidly put my phone on top of my car as I navigated around to put the drink into the cup holder.  I drove off.  A ways away, I heard some chatter on my roof and saw my phone fly off the back through the rear view mirror.  I stopped as quickly as I could and went back.

5.  But, unfortunately the phone had been run over by another vehicle and was destroyed.

6.  It has been a nightmare ever since at the U as the U has "multifactor authentication" to access ANY computer or ANY electronic door lock. Multifactor Authenication is set up with a person's PHONE to be a second, third, or fourth tool in identifying a person before you are granted access.  I no longer had a phone and could not get anywhere or do anything.

7.  Trying to work with IT on campus on a regular telephone was nearly impossible with my laryngitis. They could not hear/understand me.  I had no stamina, no energy.  

8.  I had to do more running around to get permissions and jury-rigged work arounds all the rest of the week, and I was so, so very sick at the same time.  But, I could not access anything, even from home that was U related without the "Multifactor Authentication".  

9.  The whole situation emotionally took its toll on me.  At this point, I do not want to even try to write about my feelings during the last several days.  Just suffice it to say they were not good. 

10.  From the insurance claims, I MIGHT have a replacement phone by Tuesday.  But who knows?  

The above sounds so stupid and so foolish.  And, I know and understand that these are things that can happen.  But, when they are added onto the already extreme stress I have been experiencing the last two months or so.... it felt more than I could bear.  

I am more settled and resigned today, and being able to talk a bit (quietly) has also helped.  But, even though it seems stupid, and simply "just things that happened", they really threw me for a loop.  I should be able to "laugh" at these stupid things, perhaps.  And, perhaps that is so.  But, the above things crushed me. 

That is about it for now.  Going back to just trying to fix all the messes that have arisen from this.

If the phone issue can be fixed tomorrow, perhaps I will be able to swing back up.

PipeTobacco