More Randomized Thoughts

 

More random thoughts today, as my mind is all over the map:

• While growing up, and when our kids were young, I always envisioned the Holidays as my wife and I became older.... as becoming more of a fun, relaxing time where family would gather and things would be peaceful and calm, and that we could host gatherings and have kids and grandkids visit and then at the end of the day, folks would go home and my wife and I would peacefully tidy up and enjoy each other's company doing so.  
• The above is unlikely to occur anytime soon if ever.  And, when I (unfortunately) allow myself to think about this, I become sad.
• Mostly what I anticipate for this holiday is my trying as best as I am able.... to manage my own stress.  Basically, what typically transpires is a chaotic mess of stressors from a number of sides.... our kids.... our relatives.... our friends.... where we have various "expectations" we are meant to navigate and do.  My wife has a strong tendency to want to meet all of these expectations.... and most of all.... this leads to continual altering and changing of plans, shifting of duties, shifting of responsibilities.  This constant adjusting and modifying plans keeps me on edge in addition to the other edgy things occurring.  
  
• When what I want to do is rest and to be peaceful and contented, and what actually transpires instead is simply getting things done to "get through it"..... it can be exhausting to my mind and spirit.
• Today (31 years ago) is the evening my niece swallowed a bottle of her parent's high blood pressure medication.  One of her siblings went into her bedroom and awoke her and she was rushed to the hospital and given charcoal and medications to induce vomiting.  She did vomit out much of the medication and was talking with people.  Unfortunately, enough of the hypertensive medication had worked through her system, that overnight her heart stopped and she could not be revived.  She passed away 31 years ago on what would be tomorrow.  If alive, she would now be 48 years old. 
• I still have the present I had bought and wrapped for her stored somewhere.  I had wrapped it the evening before and had packed it into my trusty Rabbit (along with many other presents) the evening before all this transpired.  I lived farther away than at a more distant city I taught at for one year.  I had been so looking forward to Christmas with family that year, as it was only six months earlier that my Dad had passed away in this same year, and I needed to feel the bonding with everyone.  Christmas was not, of course, anything like I had been imagining.  Her funeral, funeral Mass, and her burial were our reality.
• I am just trying to just push through to get to the other side.  It sounds awfully damn pitiful and stupidly maudlin... but I am mainly now looking forward to having the new semester start.... and allowing things to return to a relative sense of normalcy.... even with the work related challenges.  
• Only a small handful of folks were at the Retiree's Cigar Group.  It was enjoyable.  But, I could not really rally and get myself into a sense of "exuberance" or "joy".  I am glad to have gone, but it did not help foster the peace nor tranquility I had hoped.  
• Today I am working to try to get my critters settled away so I only have sporadic U visits to them during the next week or so.  
• I ran (only 5 miles (~8km)) and lifted some weights this morning.  I have started out with a light load that I think I will try to maintain until the start of the year.... to allow my arm and chest muscles used to the added work being expected of them.  At the start of the year, I will work to gradually increase the load bearing levels I am lifting. 
• I look at my pipes, in the various places I have them.  I have the requisite pipe-smoking Santa statue by the round pipe rack in my home office like usual.  I have the Santa hat atop of the glass lid of the pipe tobacco canister in the center of my round pipe rack like usual as well.   But right now, even they seem sad to me.  Only when I drift off to sleep remembering the wonderful times with the many folks I miss, remembering the wonderful times with some folks as they used to be, and remembering the wonderful times with my pipes, am I feeling a calmness.  

PipeTobacco

Out....

One of the things I have come to realize during the last day or two, even though I should damn well already know this.... is that.....

• In order for me to NOT feel "edgy" and "out-of-sorts" I need to have a game plan that I follow each day.
• Now, hold on.... yesterday I said I WANTED UNSTRUCTURED TIME, UNPLANNED TIME
• Yes, I did.... but I meant it more that what I want is to KNOW what I NEED to accomplish in a given day..... so I can get it DONE.... and THEN I can have the rest of the day be flexible and free and UNSTRUCTURED.
• This is why I gravitate towards doing my exercise first thing in the morning.... to get something important and hard OFF MY PLATE.
• This is why I have managed to have the vast majority of my classes be scheduled for as early as I can in the day, so that I can accomplish that needed work.... and then it is OFF MY PLATE.  

So, with the above ideas in mind, it is far more understandable to me how and why I felt ornery and out-of-sorts with myself the last few days.  I did not follow the above.... I DID NOT get required things off my plate as quickly as I could..... instead, I hemmed and hawed and delayed doing many of the required things..... and this left them LOOMING in my mind until I eventually got them done.  But, the LOOMING nature of it was exhausting to me!

So, even though I WANT MORE UNSTRUCTURED TIME..... I have to realize that to GET UNSTRUCTURED TIME in a way that feels wonderful.... I have to better think through and PLAN to get the essentials off my plate first.

Seems OBVIOUS.... but after grades were submitted, I just sort of meandered.... and yet still had things that needed to be done.... and that had me feeling edgy all the time because I delayed getting things done so I could RELAX.

So, I am now off to go to a candy shop for some things needed for Christmas..... including filberts in the shell.  None of the grocery stores around here have filberts in the shell this year, and I do not know why.  But, as soon as I buy two pounds of these hazelnuts.... and also some of their specialty candies (for my wife).... I will be heading over to the Retiree's Cigar Group!

PipeTobacco

Miscellanea

 

• I still feel rather cruddy physically.  My extensive stretching to alleviate my heel discomfort has diminished that probably 95% which is good, but the new stretching has ultimately resulted in my lower back (latissimus dorsi muscle) to be very sore and tender now.  I believe that long term this will all work out as the tightening of the back muscle was probably due to the heel pain, and working through one aspect is bound to make the other compensatory muscles ache as you work to correct things.  But, it is tiring.  The back pain was extreme yesterday, but I added some extra back stretches, and it is perhaps 70% less this morning.  I have been reducing my running during this time to only ~5 miles a day (~8 km).  
• I am trying to keep a "stiff upper lip" these days, but I am feeling very much drained.  Just some basics include:
• The not feeling up to snuff due to my heel/back.
• Later this week, it will be the 31st Anniversary of when my young niece committed suicide.  It is shocking to think that she would be 48 years old now if she had chosen to live.
• The exhaustion of a difficult semester still is weighing more heavily on my mood than is the relief that grades are submitted and in. 
• My wife waits until now to do a lot of last minute Christmas shopping.  And, this means sometime in the next few days there will be a wrapping "party".  I can wrap presents VERY beautifully.  But, I am just not WANTING to wrap anything.  But, if I do not, I will disappoint.  So, I am not looking forward to spending much of a day wrapping, and then cleaning up the mess.
  
• The tragic murders of Rob & Michelle Reiner by their kid also has darkened my mood and spirits.  Obviously I do not know any of the personally, but I did admire Rob's work, and the horror of what appears to have occured is difficult.
• I have not gotten as far as I had hoped in planning and editing things for the next semester of classes, so I have that to do as well.  
• What I guess I WANT.... is 2-3 days of NO tasks/work, NO scheduled events, NO duties, NO anything planned, required, needing my attention.  And, I know it will not happen.  
• The one PLANNED event that I do hope goes well is tomorrow's Retiree's Cigar Group.  I keep thinking of that 2-3 hour reprieve.  
• The title for this post (and the image) are intertwined.  I am posting just a few random bullet points, hence the "miscellanea", but also it is a very interesting album that came across my Pandora recently.  It is by a fellow named Luigi Zito.  A snippet of the song of  his harpsichord focused music can be heard here. 

PipeTobacco 

Attempting & Tempting

Brief thoughts for today:

• I am TRYING to tie up a lot of loose ends regarding grading, and submitting grades.
• I am TRYING to clean and tidy my U Offices.  They look like my rats have taken up residence here, and I need to bring back order.
• I am similarly TRYING to clean and tidy my research labs.  Replicate the rat analogy above here as well.
• I feel very stiff and sore.  I have not ran yet today, and am planning on TRYING to run at the U track when I close up in my offices and labs today.
• I think I need to do weight training to help build tone.  I keep telling myself this, but I keep avoiding it.  I need to change this.
• Even though it only Tuesday, I have been anticipating and imagining all day while working.... going to the Retiree's Cigar Group this Thursday.  I think the end of the semester grind has me looking even more forward to having that prescribed time to "let things go" for a bit.  This has become such a valuable form of friendship, peacefulness, and relaxation.  It is so unlike the rest of my day-to-day that it is a very refreshing reprieve.  
• I have too damn much paper all about me.  I WANT to simply chuck all of it and start fresh.  But, amongst the mountains of paper accumulated across this semester, I am sure there several things I NEED to save.  But, that makes it all the more slow-going and very much a grind.... having to look at each and every single damn piece of paper.  And, yes, I KNOW I should "put everything in its damn place" every time so I do not have this sort of struggle.  But, with the speed by which everything tends to need to be done at this place, I always accumulate piles (mountains) of paper. And, with the way the U electronica is going, that is NO FASTER nor any easier.  
• Ever since my Dad's 102nd.... and the glorious pipe I allowed myself to indulge in.... my memories as I fall to sleep have been more focused upon my very youthful pipe adventures.  Last night I was remembering the Summertime reading I did while lounging on the relic of a treehouse.... mostly just a platform by that time.  I remember taking a big jug of water with ice, my pipe and pipe tobacco, and my library checked-out copy of Huxley's "Brave New World".  Being up on the platform (perhaps ~15 - 20 feet up), I was densely in the canopy layer of those woods.  After I settled in to read and smoke my pipe, things would become rather quiet on my end, and I remember seeing a lot more directly the birds and squirrels interreacting with each other in the canopy.  I was remembering well, the softness of the flavors of the Prince Albert pipe tobacco I had surreptitiously "borrowed" from my Dad's big pound tub of the gentle leaf that was always in the kitchen cupboard, usually alongside a similar pound tub of Sir Walter Raleigh as well.  It was a beautiful Summer afternoon immersing myself in the gentle, but rich pipe tobacco and also the enlightening words of Huxley.  Such an amazing book. Beyond its rich story (a dystopian style of story, if you have not read this work), there was a rather detailed account of developmental biology as well.  I believe that work helped shape me to have the interest and passion I have for an embryological/early development focus for much of my research.  

Damn, I am not actually being brief, am I?  I will halt it here for today.  I admire the man, but I guess I could never say my writing style is "Hemingway-esque" could I?  

PipeTobacco  

Comments on Comments from 12/08 - 12/14

I am collecting some comments from last week and seeing if my new method IS actually successful like my Saturday sample.  And, yes, the image above would need an "n" in it to even be remotely humorous.. but it was what I could find.  Keeping my finger's crossed that this looks normal: 

AC stated:

“I was still using the overhead projector a lot in 2001 when I retired.”

I believe it was around 2006 when I actually started to make PowerPoint slides for use in lectures.  Part of it was that the U did not have reliable projector systems in many rooms I ended up being assigned to until around that time, and the “workaround” they gave folks for those rooms is that they could check-out (from the library) a tall (old-school movie projector style) cart with a computer and projector on it that you would have to wheel from the library to whatever the hell the building and room you had to teach in was located.  Then you had to set it all up, then take it down and wheel it back to the library afterwards.  That did not seem to “enhance” my workload, so I kept the acetates until my usual classrooms were up to snuff.  

“Snow and exams are a problem. My granddaughter has another exam tomorrow when it will snow, and she has a long drive into the city to get there.”

It is always a worry for those students who commute.  I worry about the percentage who do commute in the Winter, because they are young and still rather novice drivers by-and-large.  And, as I often mention in my neuroscience class, human “decision-making” myelination of the cortex of the brain does not fully form until around 25-28 years of age.... so their decision making processes may not always be the best.  Myelin is a covering that some neurons have that shapes how rapidly the neuron conducts messages.

“The part about talking less and less as the group grows more and more is most definitely me.”

Hahah!  You and me both.  I tend to find the greatest comfort in casual chatting/conversing when there are only one or two others I am talking with.  But, I still feel reasonably talkative and comfortable up to five or so others.  Larger than that..... I have a very strong tendency to say little (without forcing myself) and simply listen.

GaP stated:

“For what it's worth...I agree with Pat M. 100%. You are a pipe smoker. It's part of you. It makes you a better, more "complete" person. Why would you resist that? The world needs more Frumpy Pipe Smoking Professors, Professor. Tweed blazers carrying the aroma of pipe tobacco, offices and studies with some excellent room-note. That's part and parcel of being a pipe man Professor.”

I did indeed have that role for many, many years.  I have been considering returning quite a bit since the pipe I had on my Dad’s 102nd birthday.  BUT, I do not like NOT doing what I say I will do., and I said I would lay down my pipes.   Yet, I also do not like being rash in decisions, and hence I am weighing options as best as I can.  I also do worry more than a little bit that if I were to fully return, and then sometime wish again to refrain that I may not have enough resolve to do so.  It was difficult enough the first time.

Margaret stated:

“That grading process sounds clunky and time-consuming. We went from an easy system called EasyGradePro to an expensive but NOT user friendly one that I can't think of the name of. Except that I hated it. Glad the Cigar Group went so well--5 is an ideal number for chatting.”

It is indeed clunky.  In some ways I suspect that may PARTIALLY be purposeful.  I think some profs might just “willy-nilly” assign grades very rapidly (and likely have considerable errors) if they could enter grades rapidly and easily.  The clunky nature of the U’s current system is partially due to cheapness, and partially due I believe to forcing the profs to be cognizant and methodical at this time of the year where most profs (myself included) are ready for a break.

“Pat makes excellent points about boundaries, the pipes and accepting limitations. I think you judge yourself too harshly; striving to become a better person doesn't mean that you're not a wonderful person to start with. Or that you're selfish.”

Thank you for suggesting I judge myself too harshly.  I tend more toward the mindset that I do not judge myself harshly enough and should be more purposeful and more dedicated in my actions.  I think I readily see my many failings and they gnaw and gnaw at me.  But, sometimes I have a tendency to find ways to ignore them.

“I hope the snow isn't too disruptive. We're having a massive amount of rain which is causing havoc in some areas. Right now it's not raining and I should be out there walking instead of sitting inside with the cat!”

From the news reports I have seen, it sounds horrendous in your region!  I have checked your blog many times, just to look for a reassuring post that things are still going ok for you amidst all this chaotic weather.  

“Feast or famine! I have the opposite problem. We're in an atmospheric river right now so I could be growing mold from the moisture. How thoughtful to send the finals kits to your kids. My younger daughter's university had one that parents could buy and I did that a couple years. I'm sorry about your daughter losing her position. I think there will be more and more of that. My older daughter was on a year by year contract at her college which probably would have disappeared. Although she hates her job in state government, at least it's relatively secure. Maybe?”

Fortunately, my graduate school daughter has taken the situation well, after a day of reflection.  She feels reasonably confident that in the next semester her position will be safer as she will have enough “senority” in the role due to other graduate students expected to defend in the next semester she is unlikely to be at risk.  

Pam J stated:

But the most revealing and interesting reaction from FProf is this one: “I have to also admit that it stung to read and recognize the above AS true.” Stung? It almost sounds like FProf thinks he can, with hard work, defy aging. But he’s a scientist, he understands biology. Perplexing.”

Hah.... I can understand your sentiment.  But, by saying it “stung” I was more talking about how the lowered abilities I have make me feel less valuable, less helpful, etc.  I do understand the biology of aging, but at the same time I have a (common to many) hope I can stave it off not forever, BUT perhaps longer than average through hard work... and/or be one of the statistical “outliers” that has a much, much more gradual onset.  Statistics and probability definitely suggest that is a pipe dream... but at the same time, I still on occasion buy a Lotto ticket.... thinking just MAYBE... I could be the one! 

Pat stated:

“It's not that "accepting limitations" means trying less or working less, Professor. It's that the things you work hard on, or try hard at, will change as we age. For instance, you are likely at a point in your life where working hard to be a great mentor will yield more fruitful results than working hard to be a great innovator. With age, you may be less able to serve by living heavy boxes, but you may be more able to serve by organizing the content of those boxes. And after decades growing more deeply familiar with your field of study, you may be far better prepared to synthesize understandings across the breadth of your discipline than to dig deep for new data in one narrow sub-discipline. I didn't mean to suggest "Don't keep trying to work harder" -- I meant to suggest that you try to figure out where your hard work will yield the greatest payoff in combination with your current experiences and circumstances. Does that make sense, Professor?”

What you say makes strong sense.... as your comments always do.  An aspect of the above that is challenging to me, however, is my strong enjoyment of routine.  I like the way I have done things, and I would like to continue doing things in that way.  It may seem odd, that while I DO also like adapting to add new things and new approaches, and new paths...... ADD is an important word for me to emphasize.... my mind typically things of NEW tasks, NEW roles, NEW foci as being ADD-ONS and not replacements or substitutions.  But.... physically and mentally that is impossible, because we are all constrained by the same 24 hours each day.  But, it is also true that I do not relish “letting go” of what I have as a routine..... usually without an internal struggle (fight). 

 

Peppylady stated:

“Snow Cones reminds me of fairs.”

So true.  I can remember back to the first snow cone I had, at four, almost five years old.  The vivid color, the intense flavor, the rough coldness on an otherwise hot day..... it felt so..... much “MORE” than other things... I remember that first slushy, intense mouthful.  Fairs have a tendency to have many things like that.... sort of more vivid than day-to-day life.  

Testing A Cut-and-Paste Method (Hopefully Improved)

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.... unless it is from a cloud in central Madrid, then it falls mainly on the asphalt.

PipeTobacco

Thank You!

I am appreciative for all the words of wisdom and suggestions on how I may still employ the easier commenting technique, but have it look "normal" (or as normal as any of the stuff I do may be)!  I will be practicing and trying out the suggestions until I find the one that works and is easy enough for my befuddled brain to remember.  I feel hopeful that I will have a viable solution!

But, I am not able to do much fiddling with computer things of that sort today.  Today has been and will be a full day of number crunching and fussing and fidgeting with grades.  With the use of the U's LMS ("Learning Management System.... aka the gizmo-ey electronic storage site/pseudo classroom) each of my courses has.... grades are stored and housed within what... in a general way... amounts to an Excel file.   Excel is NOT my forte, but I manage.

Historically, we have had a U sponsored LMS for courses for perhaps 15 years now.  I ignored the LMSs I had for the first 3-4 years, not seeing much value in them.  In some ways this turned out to be fortunate, as our U swapped out LMS systems after the first three years and adopted a new system.  The original one was called "Blackboard" which I believe still exists, and the current one is called "Canvas".  By not using the LMS for those first 3-4 years, I fortunately did not have TWO different learning curves as both LMS types were reported to me (by colleagues) to be quite different from each other.   

And, for the next ~6 years (the first six years I began using the LMS), all I did was STORE files on the site for student access.  90+% of what I stored were simply my PowerPoint slides.  

Hell.... this is a brief aside I had to put in here..... I did not really use PowerPoint for a long time either.  When I came into U teaching 40+ years ago..... we had CHALKBOARDS and CHALK..... and if we WERE "gizmo-ey" inclined, folks would "tart up" their lectures additionally with an overhead projector allowing them to show images drawn on acetate sheets!

But, the reality of PowerPoint being beneficial to ME as a teacher.... eventually became something I was cognizant of.... when I finally realized that if I used PowerPoint for the images I wanted to show.... these images would NOT get all mixed-up and out-of-order like the hundreds of laminates (acetates) I would carry around with me from class-to-class. As I went from topic to topic, I would change laminates perhaps a dozen times or more in a class lecture, and I had a habit of tossing them rather casually aside after I talked about something.... and then would have spend a helluva long time putting them back in order (usually I ended up doing this only a few days before the start of the next semester I taught that class in).

But.... with COVID.... I was forced to FULLY adopt the LMS when the only way to teach was THROUGH THE LMS when face-to-face classes were not permitted.  Learning to navigate the system of this LMS helped me to find some valuable aspects even beyond simple storage.  And, even though I do not "like" spreadsheets.... having that system.... instead of the paper gradebook I was used to.... actually decreased some work and also ends up "forcing" me to input grades more regularly instead of having them laying all about my office to "get to later".  

So.... to shorten this up a bit.... I am spending most of this day fussing with my LMS's "Excel-like" system to make sure things are copasetic with the student's scores from the entirety of the semester (average of ~50 entries per student.... across all 225+ students).  Once I have the scores managed, I can then begin the process of transferring the points each student has earned across the semester into another program that I like a lot (but is ~30 years old) that lets me manipulate far more readily than the LMS's "Excel-like" program.... a whole host of things... including putting students in rank order, creating more esthetically readable and interpretable print-outs.  This then allows me to then eventually determine a students FINAL GRADE in the class.  And then FINALLY, I can transfer these grades into the U's official system (which until Covid) had to be reported on physical, paper scantron sheets to the Registrar.... but now has become its own electronic system that is non-compatible with the U's chosen LMS.  

* * * * *

Upped my miles again this morning.  I am glad the pain is staying at bay.

I have been working from home this morning until now, as my dog had a "spa" day (grooming appointment) and I was her chauffer to and from the gala event.  I must say she did turn out very cute, and the groomer added a festive, Holiday, kerchief to her neck.... using a fabric showing bears, Christmas Trees and reindeers.  

After my last final exam yesterday, I quickly scanned the exam and then took my steed across town so I could attend the Retiree's Cigar Group.  Because of all the snow we had, it was again a bit of a smaller group (5 of us total)..... but it was wonderful, calming, and very mentally refreshing!  

I am now going to pack up my things and head to the U so I can double check a few grades, then eventually print out some of the grading documents I have created and then work with my rats if time permits.

PipeTobacco

Disappointed....

It appears that my cut-and-paste method of being able to reply to comments unfortunately leaves some sort of damnable code in that makes the post regrettably challenging to read.  This is quite disappointing to me, as I am not sure how to go about fixing that.  I may try to figure out some sort of work around if I can.... because commenting in the fashion I tried yesterday WAS considerably easier for me than the previous method I had been using.  Perhaps folks may have additional suggestions with the following new knowledge of how I worked through commenting yesterday:

1.  I was able to take the Blogger access to comments (which is within the Blogger system as a "page" perhaps it would be called) and then work with them very easily in a Word document.  Yes, even though I prefer working with WordPerfect (the first processor type I learned on decades ago, and the one I still think is far superior), I now mainly use damnable Word as it is considered the "standard" now at the U (you may read "standard" as the "cheapest option" which is why I think the U made it the processor to use across campus now). 

2.  After writing out my responses to the comments, I simply cut-and-pasted the result into a post.

3.  But, unfortunately, it appears ODDLY bracketed in white space on the traditional version of my blog which makes it difficult for some folks to read.  So, the traditional website of the blog looks really ODD for people, yet even more odd... the version of my blog that shows on my phone, things look normal however..... so I have no clue what is going on.  

4.  I am thinking that perhaps there is some weird Word code that comes with the cut-and-paste effort that I have no damn idea how to find and/or remove.

* * * * *

Well, in order to allow my wife to get to work on time yesterday, and to allow myself both time to get to work as well, I had to shovel and snow plow (or plough if you like the older-style variant.... which I *DO* actually like, myself) the driveway before heading to the U.  But, the snow kept falling, so after the U, I ended up having to shovel and snow plow (plough) again.  This, in addition to running, and in addition to the chaos of students regarding the final exam and their ability or lack of ability to get in on time.... made me awfully damn tired last night.  

Even though my wife and I had Taco Night last night (with my usual "bigger than my head" ultra-giant taco salad, two burritos, and two tostadas).... I regrettably nodded off part way through eating.  We were eating (by choice because we were both exhausted) on the couch while watching television which we occasionally will do if it has been a long day and dinner is later than desired.  My wife nudged me awake, and I got up, and roamed around the house a bit, trying to wake myself up more so that I could spend the time with my wife and to also be able to finish eating.  

Fortunately, that roaming did enough good, that I was able to finish dinner and also remain awake for the evening to spend time with my wife before bed.

PipeTobacco 

Thoughts Related to Comments from Pat

I got up early to get to the indoor track as early as I could.  The snow is substantial, but as the track is close, I slowly was able to get my trusty steed there and back.  Now, as I await news about U activities, I will write my post more early....

I have decided today to try a new approach to responding to comments.  I will see how this goes.  My plan is to work to have replies to comments occur again in a weekly post like I had started.  I dropped off on that a bit because it was cumbersome to try to cut and paste replies in the (only, rather inefficient) form I knew of previously.  But, I am trying a new method to more easily collect comments which is directly through Blogger (which I did not know I could easily do until I stumbled upon the technique I am trying today.  If it goes well, it will facilitate my being able to more easily and readily formulating a comments post.  We shall see if this post works in the way I hope (and does not have odd formatting, font colors etc. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this works and is readable!

I am trying this out using a comment that Pat provided to me, that I had been thinking about many times since it was first posted.  

Pat Commented (in reference to my "Pulling Myself Up By My Bootstraps" post:

None of my business, but I'll offer my own quick list of suggestions drawn from what I've read you posting here:

1. Re-engage your pipes as an ongoing support system.

I have been seriously considering this.  The pipe I did allow myself at my Dad's 102nd birthday was in so many ways rather indescribable in the significant contentedness and wholeness it evoked in me.  But, as I suspect most of you realize, I am not a man who tends to act particularly spontaneously, nor "spur-of-the-moment" on many things.  I tend a bit towards deliberation and careful consideration.  I have been spending time weighing the pros and cons mentally as I see them.  I am still working through this process.  

2. Set boundaries in your relationships at the University and at home. Recognize that other people's issues should not be allowed to affect your equilibrium.

Since the "Bootstraps" post, I have been working more on identifying to myself what my "boundaries" are currently, and what I want them to be both at work and at home.  I have been, I believe, making a bit of progress (along with my focus on thoughts of gratitude as well).  I think during the semester break, I may write out (perhaps here or perhaps in a printable list I can keep at my desk) a more detailed and specific set of these boundaries I wish to establish/maintain.  

3. Acknowledge, accept, and maybe even embrace your limitations. The contributions we can make at age 70 are neither better nor worse than the contributions we can make at age 40, but they may look very different, and that's not only inevitable; it's OK.

Although I recognize and believe the above comment is TRUE.... I have to also admit that it stung to read and recognize the above AS true.  At this point, I can FORCE myself to acknowledge limitations.  Accepting and embracing them..... I have to admit I am struggling with these two ideas.  I have always believed and felt that if I would work awfully damn hard, and if I would push aside the protests of my mind or body.... I could become the better person I believe I should be.  Having having been a researcher and in having taught in the college classroom for some 40+ years now, I recognize that my role holistically is that of being a servant.  And, yet, AS a servant, I can so readily see that I fail so very often at work (and hell, at home with family and friends too) that the idea of accepting or embracing limitations that in effect suggest I could... try less, I could...work less on trying to improve, I could...  work less to serve.... feels wrong, feels like I am being selfish (more than I already am).  

4. Recognize that in order to be as "other-directed" as your faith and conscience compel you to be, you must balance that with appropriate self-care. Even Jesus Christ took "me time" when He needed to recharge after engaging with the crowds. It's not "selfish" to enjoy a pipe, go for a jog, play an instrument, or sit quietly and reflect, as these inward foci should help give you the calm and focus to re-engage afterward with the busyness around you.

I think the above is quite significant for me to try to keep in the front of my mind.  I remember when I was a young kid and was in one of my Catechism classes, and the our instructor (a nun) told us about and guided us to think about considering a vocation to become a priest or as a nun.  I took this to heart, and thought about it frequently to try to discern if it would be a good path for me. I remember going to the libraries I had access to (the public library, my public school, and the parish library) and checking out a number of books over the years on the lives of priests, books about becoming a priest, various aspects of Catholic religious life (monastic living, etc).  Ultimately, by the time I reached my early teens, I had to accept that life as a priest would not be a good choice for me.  I felt it would be too isolating and too lonely for my personality.  But, although it took a while longer to figure out HOW, I knew that I felt committed to having a role of service.  For a while, I strongly considered a career in medicine, but ultimately I moved away from that aspiration as well, for even though my grades in college would have allowed me to attend, after shadowing medical staff (and veterinary staff as well) I realized that my personality was not well suited for medicine, for I feared I would not be able to shake off at the end of the day, the hurts, pain, and sorrows of my patients... it would become emotionally overwhelming.  But, this realization that medicine was not a good psychological fit for me, helped me to find teaching and research, which IS a good fit for my personality.... and I still have the capability to be a servant to others.     

5. Accentuate the positive. You can't repair every broken or problematic relationship in your personal or professional life. But you can recognize that you are making a happy difference for the better as you engage with certain people and projects. Lean into those, and find ways to let the joy they bring spill over into the unavoidably icky activities that must take some of your time.

It is interesting that the above part of Pat's comment corresponded in a very similar way to the post I wrote right around the same time, about my trying to adopt more of an attitude of having gratitude.  I have been continuing to work on this, with at night before sleep, I briefly give thanks for at least five things I can think about and recall during the day that were positive experiences.  When I get up to run each morning, instead of dwelling on my aches and pains.... I have been trying to imagine three positive things I can accomplish in the day... beyond work, that can either a) help me find a way to show someone kindness or love, or b) help me to feel happiness.  

6. Again, re-engage with your beloved pipes. You aren't some 20-year-old who could reasonably make the choice never to take up pipe-smoking. You are a pipe-smoker with a particular history that makes you one, and when you fight agains that reality you are just wasting energy that could better be expended on so many other facets of your life.

I am quite seriously considering this, as I mentioned above.  And even though I suspect many would think this would be as easy as just grabbing a pipe, a pouch and my lighter.... I do not tend to act hastily.  I do have to reason out IF this might actually BE the right path for me to adopt and that doing so is something I can commit to, long-term.    I do not like being perceived as "inconsistent" where..... I do not do what I say I will do.  I try very hard to be consistent in my thoughts and actions.  I want folks to count on me (and my actions) as being reliable.  

Hopefully this post will look normal in my blog... and if so, I can adopt this much easier method to reply to comments in future posts!

PipeTobacco

Sno Kone

Even though it may sound strange at this time of year (we are expecting somewhere between 3 - 8 inches ( 7 - 20 cm) of snow in the next 36 hours or so.... my thoughts this morning happened to be on Sno Kones.  Why?  

Well, two reasons actually...... a) I love snow cones, and b) relatively close to our home, there is a home that I pass by every day going to the U, that has parked in their driveway, a Sno Kone food truck.  It always makes me smile.  

The family has this food truck as a small home business they operate by taking the truck to various events around town.  It is always a treat to see them out and about.  They even come to the U campus once a year (early Fall).   Any time I am fortunate enough to see them stopped and set up.... I will get a snow cone.  They are one of my favorite treats!  The green one above, in LIME is my ultimate favorite.  Sadly, lime is not as common as it used to be.... and when it is not available, I then get my second favorite, which is CHERRY.  

• I ran another 3.1 miles this morning.... so far, so good.  No additional heel pain!  And, the current discomfort level of my heel remains at a low "2".  
• With all the snow expected, and with at least the forecast suggesting there may be persistent, lesser amounts of snow beyond Wednesday evening into Thursday as well.... I am worrying a bit that it may be difficult or impossible to go the Retiree's Cigar Group on Thursday.  That would make me rather sad.  I do very much enjoy and look forward to that event each week. 
• I also worry a little bit that on Wednesday and Thursday either a) the U may close if the snow is bad enough, or b) even if the U remains open, some students may not be able to get to the U to take their final exams.  However, I DO have contingency plans for this if need be.  I have electronic versions of my finals available that I can have students take through our "gizmo-ey" LMS ("Learning Management System".... aka the electronic classroom we get for each class) and it uses an electronic proctoring monitoring system as well.  But, it does involve a bit of setup if it becomes needed.  
• As I sit here at my U inner office desk, I am looking out the window at the (currently, gently) falling snow.  I have a beautiful pouch of vanilla tinctured burley leaf open near my keyboard as a sort of "Potpourri" to brighten my mood a bit with its enticing odorant molecules that tingle and stimulate beautifully my olfactory receptors.  
• I happened to stumble across something in Blogger today, that I had never noticed before.  I can access ALL of my comments within the actual Blogger system, and not (as I had always been doing) only within a post.  This is a really nice find.  
• If the snow holds out (at least if it is not TOO rough), my wife and I may again go eat at the main "read BIG" cafeteria at the U for dinner.  It is always fun and diverse in terms of food.... and students find it interesting/entertaining/and perhaps odd to see their old prof roaming around in the cafeteria with them.  It is likely the last time my wife and I can do this until next year at in the new semester.  

PipeTobacco   

Spinning Dreidel or Whirling Dervish

 

I am not sure which is the more apt analogy..... the spinning of the dreidel, which is a gently spinning toy, or a whirling dervish which is a dancer who spins in ever more frantic circles..... but.... spinning is the key concept today.  I have been spinning around do so, so many different things that I have a difficult time focusing.  

I am going to try to list in no particular order, a bulleted list of the many things have have been part of my last several days..... some great, some good, some neutral, some bad:

• I BELIEVE most of my challenges physically poor sleep, not feeling particularly up-to-snuff, dry skin, itchiness, lethargy, various aches-and-pains...... are all stemming from my body adjusting and getting "used" to the WINTER.  Winter tends to be quite dry, arid, and cold (except DURING snow storms) here.  Another aspect adding to the dryness is our furnace.  Our home is extremely dry during the Winter.  (By the way.... I HAVE considered having a humidifier of some sort.... but know far, far too many people in my region who do use a humidifier and have either localized development of mold in their homes or considerable mold develop in their homes.  My wife and I do not want to encourage any sort of mold growth, so we feel a humidifier is not for us.)
• To further help my sleep, I have started a new cycle of using a "bite sock" again, in addition to my bite guard.  It seems to be helping me sleep more restfully because it decreases further my clenching my teeth.  But, the "bite sock" does not prove effective LONG TERM, because after a while, it can cause challenges too.  So, I have to alternate between using it and forgoing it.  But, I currently am in a "bite sock" usage cycle.
• Running ended up being a significant challenge last week.  I ran the first few days just fine.  But, one EVENING, I noticed I was feeling stiff, and my right foot felt like it was "drooping" when I would walk.  By "drooping" I do not mean I could NOT lift or move it.....I mean that my GAIT had changed so that I was walking on that foot with the front of my foot striking before my heel..... definitely NOT my normal walking/running gait.  The next morning, the "droop" was even more pronounced.... AND the MEDIAL aspect of my right heel was extremely painful when I would put even modest load bearing weight upon it.  It turns out I had developed a different form of Plantar Fasciitis.  
• For the next several days, I focused on incorporating additional stretches, and also several NEW stretches to alleviate what was in effect a very inflamed heel tendon... on the BOTTOM of the heel (not the Achillies).   With rest and with considerable, slow stretching, the pain and discomfort have regressed from an 8 out of 10 to a 1 out of 10.  I was even able to slowly run 3.1 miles (5km) this morning.  I am hoping to be back at my normal miles by the end of the week.
• My wife has been very busy with work.  I have been very busy with work.  We are both rushing around most of the day.  It feels sad, because she is the one I want to spend MORE time with.... not less, like is happening at this time of year.
• One of my kids ended up losing a teaching position (adjunct) she had for next semester.  The loss was due to budget cuts at the university she is attending for graduate school.  The budget cuts are reflective of government funding challenges due to the current administration, due to the downturn in the economy, and reflective of many undergraduates taking fewer credits due to the economy.  She is extremely sad, and my wife and I needed to talk with her quite a bit to help her recognize she was not at "fault".  Unfortunately, adjunct positions are typically viewed as "expendable" when needed economically.  
• Oh, the Retiree's Cigar Group was a true bright spot for me last Thursday!  A smaller group came, which actually ends up having me be more talkative (folks who are mostly introverts tend to talk less as group size increases)...... and the afternoon was truly relaxing and fun.  It was NOT the same as having a pipe.  BUT, it was a great deal of fun.  
• I spent a huge amount of time on the computer, grading.  I spent a huge amount of time on my phone..... fixing the multitude of student contacts I lost, and I spent a huge amount of time writing and reworking my syllabi for next semestser's classes.  And, I did a lot of work updating my gizmo "Learning Management Systems" for next semester (the electronic storage classrooms we have to use at the U).  
• My wife and I put together "Final Exam Week Care Kits" for each of the two kids who are still in school, and mailed it out to them.  We put together some candy, some other treats (like trail mix), some fancier instant coffees (from Starbucks), and a few other goodies plus a card with a note.
• Due to the desert-like Winter air, I have once again started going to sleep with hand cream covered hands with gloves on top.  I have to wash my hands so much, that that in the winter, the chapping of my hands is difficult to control if I do not do this.  If I do not do this, I get very painful cracks in the skin.  I also feel considerable dryness on the parts of my face that are not furry (forehead, upper-upper cheeks, and around my eyes)... so I put lotion on those exposed areas of my face at night before bed as well.  

That is about all the time I can spend writing at the moment.  

PipeTobacco

Sleep Issues - Thoughts?

I have come to realize that I would like to fix something I have grown aware of regarding my sleep.  I am not sure if this is common or not, so I would really appreciate comments from everyone regarding this:

1. It is very common for me to awaken to my clanging alarms, and feel very tired.  Part of this may be that I do not get enough sleep, I realize that.  However, even if I do get a variety of days of full sleep, I still feel similarly when I awaken.
2. I do not believe I have sleep apnea.  I do not snore.  My wife attests to this. My wife has sleep apnea so we do recognize (at least her) symptoms.  
3.  My wife reports that I either sleep a) without moving at all, and she sometimes gets worried that she cannot "tell if I am alive" because I sleep so deeply/non-movingly..... or sometimes b) I sleep with lots of rolling around and moving around much of the night.  But..... there seems to be no correlation between either sleep pattern and whether or not I feel very tired in the morning.  I always do.
4. I often feel SORE when I wake up in the morning.  This is often in my shoulders, and only occasionally in my hips.  
5. But.... I have grown accustomed to knowing that I can feel back up to snuff if a) I go running right away in the morning (even if I do not want to, I often do so.... just to feel better and more alert), or b) I am awake for an hour or two and perhaps have some water or coffee.  
6. My TMJ does not seem to correlate either regarding sleep.  Some days I awaken with TMJ symptoms, sometimes not.  But, I always feel tired.  

The thing that is hard for me to understand though, is that after I am up and about (in some method like in #5), I do then tend to feel normal, feel alert, and feel awake and not tired.  

But.... I keep thinking that I should AWAKEN feeling refreshed, feeling rested, and feeling good.  But... that does not really happen.  I have to force myself to get up... and force myself to do things and then eventually I feel awake, feel "rested" and feel "good" or at least "normal".  

This is not really NEW.  I think I have felt this way much of adulthood.  I can recognize this as being a way I have felt for AT LEAST a good dozen years for certain, but probably longer.   I am just kind of beginning to REALIZE how I feel upon awakening, and I am now cognizant that I would want this to be different, and I am not sure if what I feel is "normal" or not as well. 

Any thoughts?  Any ideas?  

PipeTobacco

  

Zapped Energy

We dropped to a temperature of only 6 degrees this morning (~ -14 C).  I am not ready, nor am I acclimated yet to the cold.  So, this temperature drop has been challenging.  The cold makes me enormously tired.

I have grown much less fond of cold since I obtained a normal BMI.  I have also liked cold less as I have grown older.  I need to combat this somehow, as it is cold like this for damn near half the year.  I am not sure how, but I need to figure out a new, successful way to EMBRACE the cold.  I need an outdoor hobby that will make me WANT to be out in the cold.  I have ice fished, but it is not something I would ever anticipate I could muster enough "passion" to do.... to have it become a true hobby or avocation.  The same is true of Cross Country Skiing.  I have done it, and I find it reasonably fun on groomed trails, but groomed trails are not really a "thing" in my region any longer.  The VERY FEW cross country skiers I hear about these days, are all into BREAKING TRAILS.  That does not really interest me.  

You would be amazed (or actually.... perhaps NOT amazed) at how much my imagination has been reliving the beautiful pipe I was able to indulge in one rather long week ago now. 

PipeTobacco

Blustry & Cold

Today I went to the track to do my many hamster loops on the indoor track.  The snow that we had received Saturday into Sunday was wet and heavy and we did get about 6 inches total.  I was very busy digging us out.  But, it was a "warmer" feeling day of around 30 degrees F ( -1 C) on Sunday, and the wind was close to zero, so not too bad at all.  But, this morning, as I drove to the track, it felt significantly more harsh.  Though the temperature was 19 degrees F ( - 7 C), it FELT far more frigid and bitter.  The wind had picked up considerably, so that likely was a part of it, but unlike yesterday, where you could feel the moisture, this morning, the humidity must have declined considerably, as it felt damn near desert-like.  

I only ran 8 miles this morning (~13 km), as I was needing to hurry to try to get to the U as soon as possible.  A lot of deadlines this week, so I have to keep on my toes.  But, I was able to work through the entirety of the rosary and even listened to several of my favorite Mass songs as I ran.  

During the long, Thanksgiving period, I must admit the dreams I have had have ramped up in their "pipe-y-ness".  It must have been Friday night into Saturday, but I remember dreaming and reliving the pipe I had at this shop last Tuesday.  The dream itself was occurring interestingly enough in a somewhat "slow-motion" fashion.  Every detail of the experience seemed "more" in the dream, akin in a way to having a heftier "gravitas" if that makes sense.  It was a delightful dream to live within while it was occurring.  And, last night, I had a dream that seemed to be a replay of the visit I had to Iwan Reis back a few years ago when I had purchased the "Three Star Blue".  In the dream I was chatting with the fellow behind the counter, and sampling my first bowlful of that lovely leaf while looking at the beautifully large array of pipes Iwan Reis has on display.  

I need to get back to work, after this brief break.

PipeTobacco