Out, of "It"

Rough weekend.  

Long days of little rest.

Festivities do not ensue,

 due to the grind.

Pace embittered.

Nowhere is comfortable nest.

Chaos infiltrates the hue,

all is like brine.

 

 PipeTobacco

Still Struggling

I am making *slow* , but consistent progress towards getting back into a routine.  I wish I could get it to occur more rapidly, however.  

• I still have 8 miles to run to hit 55 miles this week.  I am thinking the weather will be acceptable tomorrow to be safe in running outside. It should be roughly 35 degrees (~1.6 C) tomorrow morning when I will try to run.  
• I have caught up in everything in 3 of my 5 classes.  The fourth class should be relatively simple to catch up on, but the fifth one needs a whole helluva lot of work and effort.  That class is unfortunately keeping my stress levels high.
• I wrote upcoming exams that are needed for 2 of the 3 classes that need an exam soon.  The third class's exam is for the troublesome class in the bullet above.  

I hate not recalling any of my dreams these last few months. I wish I could figure a way out to fix that.  I am hoping I can RELAX a little bit by later this afternoon because my wife and I had PLANS to go to a concert (a trio of piano, brass, and woodwind).  I am hoping my wife will still want to go, and I am also hoping that I can shake off the stress I feel so that I can enjoy the concert.  I have contemplated drinking a shot of whisky or perhaps a glass of wine (I *think* we have both of them in the house somewhere, I do not think we have any beer, or that would be another option.) before going to the concert to help me in my effort to relax.  But, I am not sure if that feels like a legitimate action for me to take.  

In a rather sadly ironic way, all the stress at the moment has prevented me from having much, if any, time to daydream about my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  Even when I go to bed at night, I have not been reading and fall asleep immediately without time to even daydream then.   I miss daydreaming about them in ways similar to my missing smoking them.The physiological stress I am feeling currently is NOT something I would want anyone to experience long term.  I must find a way back to a centered life.   

PipeTobacco

Struggling & Recovering

 

The dual challenges of a) helping all my research students from morning to night all last week, and b) the breakdown of my treadmill have kept me in a state of perpetual motion ever since:

1.  Spending nearly every waking moment with helping to prepare the students last week means I did little to no grading/or preparing lectures/or preparing exams/or preparing labs last week...... for this week....... and so I have been very much trying to play catch-up all this week.  It is exhausting cutting everything so close to deadline right now, that is ramps up my stress.  

2.  Running has been a royal chore (meaning a "PITA") as well.  My routines are all discombobulated.  I up and immediately dress in exercise clothes, take out the dog, bring her back in and grab my lunch box, and my gym bag containing my work clothes and drive to the U to get there about 10 minutes before the indoor track opens.  I have been fortunate enough to on the four days so far this week..... had three of those days where I was the only soul on the indoor track for an hour or so.... so NO MASK.  One day I had only 15 minutes before someone else showed.  I had to run with the mask on when that person came.  Which is VERY DIFFICULT.  

3.  Unfortunately, an HOUR is not enough time to complete my typical 11 mile (18km) run.... but by the time an hour has passed, there is usually enough hazy light from the upcoming sunrise that I feel safe enough (meaning I will SEE the pavement well enough to (fingers crossed) NOT trip and fall) venturing outside onto the campus sidewalks to finish up the remaining miles.  I just hope it does not snow any more this season (sadly, it is likely only a pipe dream, we will likely have snow well into April). I am behind my normal standard for the week thus far.  I SHOULD be at ~44 miles (~70km) to feel comfortable in reaching my 55 mile (89 km) goal for the week.  Unfortunately, after my run this morning, I am currently only at 38 miles (61 km).

4.  Unfortunately, added to the above challenges, my wife and I had volunteered (a few weeks ago) to each be a "facilitator" at a discussion session/meeting held in our parish on Tuesday evening.  That meant on Tuesday, I got up at around 4:45am and did not get home until 9:30pm.

5.  Also unfortunately, on Wednesday, we had been scheduled several weeks ago to make and serve the meal this week at our Lenten Soup Supper.  This is an even that happens at the parish that occurs every Wednesday during Lent. So, my wife and I made a huge vat of chicken noodle soup and a huge vat of tomato bisque soup.  I gently spiced the soups as well because a lot of the folks at our parish tend to be plain "meat & potato" sorts who tend to think regular black pepper is a pretty damn exotic spice.  So, Wednesday also was a 4:45am day, with again getting home ~9:30pm.  

6.  Tomorrow looks potentially rough too.  I have three meetings that have overlap with each other tomorrow, so no real breaks for me. 

7.  Also, the track and outdoor running..... coming about so abruptly..... is making me awfully damn sore.  Do not get me wrong.... running outside is WONDERFUL, but typically I make a somewhat "gradual" transition each weather season..... WINTER vs ANYTHING ELSE.  The gradual transition is helpful, because in treadmill running you use your leg muscles somewhat differently when you run on that belt compared to the more natural running style that happens outside.  If you have to switch abruptly, you get a significant rise in muscle soreness and muscle aches.  And, because I had to switch very abruptly because of the damn treadmill failure, my leg muscles, especially the gastrocnemius, the soleus and my quadriceps femoris all are achy, sore, and my feet feel as if they are encased in lead.  With this abrupt change, I anticipate that feeling this level of soreness will likely begin to dissipate within the next day or two and potentially will be over perhaps by the middle of next week...... at least I sure as hell hope so.  

I hope I can get my life back in order soon.  I currently feel like a gerbil running on one of those wheels..... perpetually.... never stopping.  It is exhausting.  

PipeTobacco  

Whatever

I have been gone a week.  What transpired?

• All last week I worked from morning till typically 9pm (other than on Monday) with helping my research students prepare for their talks. It was exhausting and while many did eventually do an exceptional job, it was like pulling teeth at times.  Very painful and laborious. When they arrived at the meeting, the day before, I had them do a final run-through with me on Zoom. That too was exhausting.

• When I hit the 9 mile mark last Monday, the damn treadmill stopped working.... this time it may be the motor.  I have had no time to examine whether it is truly dead, or if I can coax the damn thing back into life.  But, with snow and ice much of the week, it my efforts to hit 55 miles for the week awfully damn difficult and added quite a bit of additional stress to the week.

• Running as follows.... Monday, 9 miles before the damn machine broke. In the evening, I got home from the U around 6pm, and the trail had melted so that it appeared clear.  So I forced myself to run an additional 6 miles.... but it started to snow heavily during the run, and by the time I hit mile 6 it was starting to get slippery.  The snow continued overnight. Tuesday, no running.... too icy and too busy with helping the students.  Wednesday, enough of a thaw occurred that I forced myself to run 15 miles (24km) outside.  It was 35 degrees (1.5C), but windy as hell.  But, I forced myself to run that many.  Thursday, even though I was really horribly sore from my first and second outdoor runs in around 3 months, I forced myself to run another 10 miles (16km) outside.  It was still around 35 degrees and still windy as hell.  Friday, I was at the meeting all day so I could do no running whatsoever.  I was so dead tired by the time I returned home around 7 and it was too dark to run outside.... and it had snowed again anyway.  Saturday, because I was desperate, I took a chance, and went to the U gym..... at the very earliest moment it opened, and went to the indoor track.  I was hoping that there would not be anyone there at that very early hour.  For the first hour-and-a-half, I was lucky, and no one was there, so I could run without a damn mask.  After 90 minutes, someone else came in and I had to struggle to run the rest of the miles with a mask on.  It was really hard to do.  But, I completed 15 damn miles on Saturday.  So, I got in all 55 miles.  This past week has been the hardest, most unpleasant running week I have ever experienced.  

• In theory the weather report says it will be almost 40 this afternoon, so I am going to plan to run as much as I can in the afternoon.  Afternoon running is hard for me, but, until it is warmer and lighter in the morning, I am not finding it safe.

• I normally love when Daylight Savings Time starts, but having it have started yesterday just added another stressor..... sunrise is now an hour later.  Before I realized Sunday was the start of Daylight Savings Time, I was thinking if I planned everything just right, I could start to go on the trail at daybreak (Saturday, this was around 6:00am, now it is 7:00am because of DST).  But, starting at 7:00 does not give me enough time, even if I hustle, to get to the U on time.  I would have had enough time at 6:00am, but it is now once again completely dark.  Cold and dark are a bad mix for me.

 So, nothing enjoyable or fun in the past week.  I admit to feeling ornery and out-of-sorts.  I am hoping for a calmer, more predictable week... without added hassles.  Somehow, I doubt by dream will come true.

PipeTobacco 

Ich bin Unmotiviert

 

Ash Wednesday Mass was quite helpful for me.  The homily helped me to feel more confident in my biggest goal for Lent, to work hard on being truly forgiving of the two folks who hurt me so very deeply. I have a tremendous amount of work to do in this regard, because even though I had on a few occasions.... thought I have made progress towards forgiveness.... I have still relatively easily fallen back into my own deep seated hurt, anger, and distrust for both of them.  It seems most of my prior work in this regard has been mostly to find ways to ignore them (temporarily) and I was mistaking my better emotional state during those times as me becoming successful at forgiving them.  But, ignoring is not the same as forgiving.  I need to figure out how to truly forgive them, not only because it is the right thing to do philosophically and spiritually.... but it is also important for me to forgive them for my own emotional and physical well being.  

Lent is traditionally thought of as a time of "giving something up".  This has often equated with giving up something you like and want.  But, in a bigger, deeper way, what should be the focus for Lent is to find something deep within you that is wrong, and to work to give up that "wrongness" in order to become more of the good self you would want to be.  

I have other Lenten goals/hopes I am trying to establish as well, but they are still rather nebulous in my mind.   But, I do hope to talk about them as the ideas gel more in the next few days.  In the Lenten homily I was strongly reminded of taking this journey with a PURPOSE.  And, the idea of having my efforts and my actions have PURPOSE is important to me.  

Also, I have been thinking about my pipe journey as well.  I feel it is valuable for me to perhaps re-frame my pipe smoking and also re-frame my "quitting" that I began on Lent four years and two weeks ago:

1.  I am no longer thinking of myself as "quitting" or "having quit" smoking a pipe.  To me, to "quit" something... connotes a sense of leaving and exiling the something.  I do not see my actions over the last four years as actually doing that.  

2.  Instead, I think it is now time to view myself as a pipe smoker who simply is currently not indulging.  It might be semantics, but it feels more accurate. Others here have even sometimes suggested the above to me in comments.  And, I do agree this way of defining myself wears more accurately upon my shoulders.  

3.  I do feel there were some aspects of my pipe journey that needed my effort to "quit".  For instance, I do feel it was good/appropriate for me to have "quit" pipe smoking when frustrated and to have "quit" pipe smoking when feeling angry.  And, perhaps also it was good/appropriate to have "quit" pipe smoking when hurt or sad.   In each of those emotional states, I would often reach for one of my pipes and pipe tobaccos to attempt to sooth or quell my emotions.  Yet, I do know that at least for "frustration" and for "anger" my pipe was not actually helpful (nor was it hurtful though) in resolving those difficult emotions.  I am not as sure if my pipe was helpful or only neutral during times of sadness.  

4.  With my re-framing of my effort as my being a pipe smoker who is currently refraining.... instead of a person who has "quit" pipe smoking, this may help me better determine how to and in which way to proceed on this journey.  

* * * * *

• 11. 1 miles this morning.  
• Still a helluva lot of work to do to get the research students up to snuff.  
• My skin feels so, so very dry.  That is a hard part of Winter.  My face especially, feels so very dry... at least around especially my eyes.  But, also very dry around my nose and forehead.  The furry-faced parts feel normal... probably because the skin underneath is buffeted a bit from the harsh weather.  

With my rather rambling post, I think you can sense I have minimal motivation to do my U work.  Hence the title I gave my post (in German).  

PipeTobacco

 

Ash Wednesday - Lent

 

Today is Ash Wednesday.  It is an important time for reflection and atonement for me.  But, first, some basic bullet points:

• I am beyond overjoyed and relieved that my dog is back to her old self and is feeling fully up to snuff!
• I ran 13.1 miles (~21.1km) this morning to complete my 1/2 Marathon Run for March.  
• I had a really enjoyable day teaching.  In the lab class I was having the students explore early avian embryology using chicken eggs.  In one of the lectures, I was discussing some of the biochemical factors guiding organogenesis in vertebrates.  And in my other lecture today, I was discussing and describing the role of the vaginocervical orgasm in helping to draw spermatozoa through the cervix towards the entryway into the Fallopian tube to promote successful fertilization.  

After I leave the U today, my wife and I are going to attend evening Ash Wednesday Mass.  Even though I realize I am a terrible and unworthy person who does many wrong things in life, I find significant comfort that within the focus I can more easily muster through participating in a Lenten journey.... I can try to work to become the nicer, kinder, more gentle and more loving person I SHOULD be, but so very frequently fail to be.  

In terms of my primary Lenten vow for this season:  I believe I need to focus once again on forgiving the two folks who hurt me.  I believe I SHOULD be able to forgive them, and in so doing, move beyond the anger that still will bubble up in me regarding my experiences with them.  I NEED to become able to forgive them.  I think it is my primary call this season to establish in me.  

I have some additional secondary vows I am also thinking I need to adopt as well.  I have to think through them more before I can successfully describe them here.  

I know I have the comic somewhere.... I cut a copy of it from our Diocesan weekly newspaper perhaps 35 years ago.  It is a gentle comic of kids playing.... and because this was a Catholic focused newspaper near the start of Lent..... the kids were playing a form of "dress up" where they were imitating Ash Wednesday Mass.  I remember the humor and delight I had saw in the comic when I realized that the young kid who was being the "priest" at this "play Mass" was using one of his Dad's neckties as an artful facsimile of of the priest's vestment stole.  And, here is the rub (pun intended).... the kid "priest" was distributing ashes to the other kids (who were being "parishioners") .  His vessel containing the ashes he used.... was one of his father's pipes... specifically the vessel was the bowl of the pipe containing the spent pipe tobacco ashes being used as the "play" ashes for their "pretend mass".  

I have always found that comic delightful in so many ways.  I wish I had found it this morning when I looked.  It may sound silly or uninspired in some ways.  But to a Catholic pipe smoking fellow, it has always tickled my humor. 

PipeTobacco

Surprise Evening Post

 I am so relieved…. I came home around 2 pm.  Our dog was still lethargic but wagged her tail at me upon my return.  

Two hours later she was up to snuff and acting like her old self!!!!’  I am so glad!  I felt so utterly keyed up…. Still… that I have had a glass of wine.  She is back to her old self and I am very relieved and happy!!!!!!  I am strangely feeling a bit tipsy from one glass of wine !  I felt so, so very agitated….the wine has helped.  I feel a bit bad about it, but seriously, the relief I feel now is worth it as far as I am concerned.  Everything seems “ok” now.  I cannot state fully how relieved I feel.  The wine has made me crave a pipe quite strongly….. not sure if I will indulge, but I think I can refrain…. Just out of happiness.  

I felt locked into a prison I could not avoid when I drove to the U today, but I feel far more “ok” now.   Maybe it can be a pleasant evening!!!!!!!

PipeTobacco 

Dog

Yesterday afternoon I took our dog in for her vaccinations.  She lost her energy and vitality and was very quiet (not her usual self).  I slept on the living room couch with her last night.  My wife is staying with her today, and I am heading home as quickly as I can.  I am hoping she is just sore and tired like I was for a day after my Covid injections.  

PipeTobacco