New Inner Dialogue

I am on a slippery slope at the moment, but I am trying to keep my balance.  The yearnings I have for a pipe are very very powerful at the moment.  The yearnings are quite challenging to resist... much more so than they have been in quite a long time.

I think the stresses I am feeling are the likely culprit (grief, my wife being away, the added responsibilities while she is away, etc.).  I think some sleep deprivation is also contributing to the mix (I have been averaging about 4 hours a night the last few days).  I have taking to carrying around a pipe with me like a pacifier.... not filling it with tobacco, and not smoking it.

What I am trying to do is NOT make any change in behavior (in other words, continue to refrain from smoking a pipe) at least until after the stresses have abated and life returns to a degree of what I call normalcy.  To make a decision on this matter before that time would, for me, be rash.... and while I want to be rash at the moment, I know that if I wait, whatever decision I make will be better.

Here is a glimpse of my inner dialogue for the last few days:

Self:  "You refrained from smoking your pipe now for seven months."
 .

Other Self:  "Yes, I did!  I am surprised and happy about this!"
 .

Self:  Yeah, good job!
 .

Other Self:  "Yeah, it was not something I thought I could do."
 .

Self:  "So, now that you proved you could do it.... lets go back to smoking a pipe."
 .

Other Self: "Uh, well…."
.

Self: "It is perfectly "ok" now, you proved you could do it!"
 .

Other Self: "You are correct, but I have really been trying to make this "quitting" be my new normal."
 .

Self: "Ugh.   But, is that realistic?  NEVER AGAIN?!?!?"
.

Other Self:  "I feel sad to think of NEVER having another pipe."
 .

Self:  "What is the point in that?"
 .

Other Self: "The point is supposedly to be healthier.  It is one way I can TRY to be healthier to potentially live longer and be with my family.
 .

Self:  "Bah."
 .

Other Self:  "Yes, I agree… 'Bah' … but...."
 .

Self:  "A pipe would be very pleasurable and enjoyable, wouldn't it?"
 .

Other Self: "Yes, I fully agree with that statement."
.

Self:  "ONE wouldn't really hurt, now, would it? 
 . 

Other Self:  "Hmmm....." 
 .

Self:  "Let's do it!"
.

Other Self: "Ugh.  I really should not."
 .

Self: "Come on.  Let's just have ONE bowlful."
 .

Other Self:  "No, I better not.  It took a helluva long time to get this far.
 .

Self: "What for?  Does it really matter?"
.

Other Self:  "I do not know if it REALLY matters.  But I have to keep trying to think that it does."
 .

Self: "That is just foolish hyperbole!
  .

Other Self:  "Probably."
 .

Self:  "You are a schmuck."
 .

Other Self:  "Yeah, 'probably' to that too." 

This same basic conversation roils around in my mind regularly for the last few days now.  It is tiring.

PipeTobacco

Hitting the Wall

A confluence of crap is swirling around me during the last several days.  A relative has died on my wife's side of the family.  She has had to leave for several days to help with that situation.  I have not been sleeping well, and my tending to duties here in the homestead has increased about two-fold due to her absence.  I am feeling lonely and utterly exhausted.  I so very much want to smoke my pipes.  I keep trying to tell myself that my feelings are due to the chaos of the moment and that I should resist and keep refraining.  But, I truthfully do not know if I will.

PipeTobacco

A Meandering List

My mind has been moving in a variety of non-tangential ways during the last week.  My linear focus is almost non-existant.  So, here is a list highlighting a smattering of things I have had pass through my mind to a large enough extent that I recall them at the moment:

1.  Running felt quite good this week.  During the week before this, I had felt quite a bit of lethargy and often did not want to run at all (even though I forced myself to do so).  This week felt a lot better.  I was not always "bright eyed and bushy tailed" about running at 5:00am, but I did feel quite committed to the task, and after getting started each morning, it *did* become enjoyable after about the first mile. 

2.  Work has been better.  Do not get me wrong, I do love TEACHING my classes.  I do enjoy my RESEARCH.  But, as you know from a lot of my posts over the last few years, there are a set of folks that I have to deal with at the Department and University level who are truly obnoxious, mean-spirited, and hurtful.  A little over a week ago I geared myself up and sat down and had a firm, yet not angry or emotional talk about precisely what I NEEDED to have happen with regards to the biggest of the issues I have with these folks.  I was firm, non-emotional, and persistent.  I *believe* I was heard and understood.... especially about my being determined to not allow these folks to take advantage of me.  We shall she eventually how this progresses.  But, it felt successful.

3.  I have been playing music (saxophone, clarinet, bass clarinet) more often than I have in a few years during the last few weeks.  It is very helpful for my own mental health and wellness (as is my running).

4.  I have been swimming quite frequently and many times my wife will accompany me as well.  It has been a great way to relax after a workday or just a busy day in general.  Going there with my wife almost feels like going on a "date" or having a special "event" to be at with her.  The swimming feels like a sort of "destination" place to go that helps me feel I have more to life than just work at the U and work at home.... which it sometimes feels like.

5.  Pipes... such a strange and funny thing.  There are a fair number of days where I do not really give my pipes and smoking my pipes much thought.  But, there are other days where I feel interested in them, and they sound appealing.  If I were to estimate the occurrence... I would say that in a given week, 3-4 days are without much thought of a pipe and 3-4 days currently have me finding the idea of a pipe generally appealing.  BUT... probably once or perhaps occasionally twice a week, I still have a day (or an afternoon or evening) where I feel an extremely strong DESIRE to smoke a pipe, and the desire for a pipe will permeate most all of my thoughts for several hours.  There have been a few times where I have had these very, very strong desires almost get the better of me.  Thus far, though, I have been able to avoid falling off the wagon.... even though doing so on those occasions seems utterly beautiful, extremely desirable and vividly thought-provoking.  Sometimes, I think it may be impossible to resist the call.  I have thus far, now for 7 months, but on those days.... I just do not know.

6.  I am getting pretty damn good at making a wide range of delicious bean dishes using dry beans.  For a long time, I had occasionally tried to make good dishes starting with dried beans, but did not have much success.  The problem was I was never patient enough.  I have finally found a fool-proof method to get the DRY beans cooked in such a fashion that I can make some damn wonderful creations.  I like this, because, truth-be-told... dishes made with dried beans as a starting point (when done successfully) always taste a helluva lot better than using canned or frozen varieties. 

Well, there is a smattering of my varied thoughts.

PipeTobacco

Ditto, But More

Just to state for the record.... I work with some people who are true jerks and they hurt my feelings quite a bit.  But, that said, I am tired of focusing on that and want to think about something else. 

So, the "more"....

I am looking forward to a pleasant, peaceful, relaxing weekend with my family.  I want that wonderful feeling of togetherness that we can sometimes obtain even just in doing rather mundane things.  It is my hope for this weekend.  I am not sure what we may end up doing, but I am hoping for at least some of the following:

Swimming
Good Food
a Good Movie, Play, or Concert
Harvesting more from the Garden
Mass

In addition, I hope and plan to keep up with my normal exercise (running) and keep refraining from my pipes (I have had a lot of cravings again this week after a relatively quiet week the week before). 

It would nice to have a few FUN surprises too.  Perhaps that will happen. 

PipeTobacco

Irritating

There are several folks that I work with that are irritating to me.  They are not irritating because they have quirky behavior, even though they do.  They are not irritating because they believe they are brilliant, even though they think that.  They are not irritating because they have different opinions and ideas than I do, even though their ideas are often different.

What is irritating about a specific small subset of the folks that I work with is that they seem (act) wholly unconcerned about being kind and gentle with others.  It is such an odd thing.... this subgroup of folks really displays NONE of the kindness or gentleness I am used to associating with in much of the rest of my life. 

Now, of course, people all have their good and bad days, that is granted.  But, in most aspects of my life, folks tend to have at the forefront of their minds the idea of treating others kindly and gently.... even if you disagree with them.  It is something I had been guided in from my childhood, and I suspect MOST folks received similar upbringing.  To me, it is a fairly fundamental aspect of life, and it is a helpful/useful aspect of living in a society. 

I have worked with some of these folks for decades, but that lack of empathy or care so frequently catches me off guard.  In the latest examples of this, there was nothing specifically associated in their efforts that affected me.  Instead, it was how they were talking about and treating someone else.  But, their actions and their words.... so, so unkind. 

Even though it is perplexing to me, perhaps I am better off NOT having a better understanding of that sort of mindset.  It is such a harsh approach to life. 

PipeTobacco

Sorry

I am going to start off by apologizing on three accounts:

1.  I apologize for being away for quite a while.  I have been in a rough emotional place and because of the difficult emotions I had a complete loss of energy or resolve to write.

2.  I apologize for what is likely to be a still sour mood when I get to the body of my text below.  I am forcing myself to push through my emotions and lethargy in an effort to try to change my mood.  This is the only way I know to try to get back to the place I would rather be... feeling calm, comfortable,  positive, hopeful, and hell... maybe even jovial.  But in forcing myself back into the saddle, working to pull myself up by my bootstraps, I will also have to work through my feelings.  This blog helps me go get those feelings out in a way that is tangible to me, and I have found it helps me to somewhat "leg go" of some of these feelings.

3.  I apologize to commenters for a *big* error on my part....  I realized a couple of days ago that I had MANY comments to some of my writings here that had not shown up in the comments.  I stumbled upon them looking around my Blogger work-site and I realize (and now recall) that a year or two ago, I made some sort of setting change that changed comments to allow free commenting for the first week after a blog entry was posted, but after that point, the comments became moderated.  I did this way back when because I was having some difficulty with some spam/ad commenters posting and posting and posting on my older entries (you know the kind of comments.... "Buy viagra cheap!" and "Great prices on (insert nonsense here)!!!!"   When I first set this moderation up, it would notify me by e-mail when I had a comment that needed moderating.  But, apparently with some changes at Blogger, this stopped because I had not received any notices for quite a while.  And, so, here is the real issue.... I *missed* seeing some of YOUR comments... ones that I REALLY DO APPRECIATE and WANT TO READ!  I am sorry.  I have worked to get them to publish now.  And, now that the spam comments seem to have gone away... I am going to work to figure out how to get rid of the moderation setting again (it takes me a while to figure this stuff out). 

*     *     *     *     *

I have been feeling really low emotionally for the last few weeks.  I have felt sadness in the loss of time and I feel the emotions of loss of time with family and with friends.  I am feeling the loss of Summer, even though it is technically the Summer season still, for a lot of us, there is a palpable transition that occurs near and around Labor Day... and I am feeling that change rather acutely this year.  I am also feeling emotional about some documents that got wet in my house due to a damn, leaking waterline.  Nothing was fully destroyed, but some photos and other momento documents did sustain some damage and it was emotionally hard for me.  I have always felt a strong need to protect these photos and documents, and I feel like a failure for not doing so.  I also feel a sense of sadness about my not doing *enough* to try to keep friendships and relationships strong.  I have this nagging feeling almost every day lately about not working hard enough or long enough to make sure that the people who I love and who are my friends (including you readers) *know* of my appreciation and care for them.  I feel intensely thoughts of my being lazy, weak, unfocused, and not diligent enough in what I should do.  And, I have been thinking about my pipes a lot as well.  Sometimes I will sit and stare at them for quite a while, thinking.  Also, my TMJ Disorder has been acting up like hell and I need to work at trying to alleviate that. I miss the bite splint the dog chewed up, very much. 

I believe starting writing again is a first step I can take to get out of this hell hole of being locked inside my mind with all the harsh, sad thoughts that have been swirling around inside. 

PipeTobacco