Resolutions

With the advent of the new year beginning at midnight, I though I would simply list some of my resolution for myself in 2025:

• I am going to try for a sixth year of "Running the Year".  I had hemmed and hawed about striving for this again.  I have really lost some of my "zest" for running (but that may be due to other emotions), so I hesitated.  But, I would like to try for one more year. 
• Spending more time with my wife in "play" (like swimming, just having fun, etc.)
• I am resolving to post here six days a week.  Some posts may be small, but the interaction with you is very important to me, and the ability for me to have a place to lay out my harder emotions is also important for me.  As part of this, I also plan to list TWO scores on a post..... a) a score about my feeling of "happiness" (perhaps I will call it my contentedness score), and b) a return of my "Pipe Craving Score" as I do admit that seeing and putting this score WAS helpful for me.  
• I am aiming to enact the AA Serenity Prayer as a way to focus my life more towards feeling and experiencing joy.
• Spending less of my emotional energy budget on things I cannot control, change, or affect.
• Immersing myself more in my Roman Catholic faith, especially in immersing in the Capuchin perspectives.  
• Reincorporate Arm & Chest Weight Strengthening Exercise in my life (lost at the start of Covid)
• Spending more time with my siblings.
• Continuing to enjoy the friendship of the Retiree's Cigar Group.... although there is a worry/issue with timing next semester.
• Finding time more to enjoy music.  
• Find a way to successfully incorporate an occasional pipe in my life.
• Read more fiction.  I spend so much time reading, but not as much is for pleasure as I would like.

A pretty simple list.  Nothing earth-shattering.  But, these things would help me to be happier.

PipeTobacco

P.S. Here is the full "AA Serenity Prayer" that I think has great value for me:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Afloat

 

Just striving to stay afloat during the current times.  Trying to remain even keeled with all the various gatherings and interactions.  Much of it is exhausting as I feel I must walk on eggshells because of the challenges with what I no longer talk about here.  Much of me is waiting for a return to "normalcy".

* * * * *

So, some highlights of bits and pieces of things that have been going on:

• A family group all went and watched the film, "Wicked".  Most folks in the group gave it a resounding "A" grade.  I unfortunately felt differently and gave in a "C+" grade.  From a cinematic and musical perspective, the film was beautiful and lovely.  But, the story itself bothered me in some ways.  1) To my manner of thinking, the KEY to the Wizard of Oz was that it was a child's dream brought forth by the injury she received during the tornado.  And, within that mindset, the folks of "Oz" were REPRESENTASTIONS of REAL folks she knew in her real life.  This film had none of that reference to Dorothy nor any of the real world.  2) Instead, this film lived wholly in Oz and took the characters of Glinda and Elphaba and created a sort of morally ambiguous morality play based upon of all things, human and animal rights.  3) The film made the "good" characters in the original film  ditzy, selfish, and sometimes hiddenly mean spirited people, and portrayed the Elphaba as misunderstood.    Now, I can find having Elphaba being viewed more kindly and sympathetically a VERY GOOD THING.  But, when the film then migrated into the weird territory of "ancient magic" and spells, it quickly grew tiresome to me. 
• My wife and I went to both Christmas Masses this year.  Both were quite beautiful and helpful for us.  
• I have been running as best as I can with places closed because of the various holidays.  The lack of consistency in my running routine and the several times I was forced to get my run in via a treadmill have helped make exercise feel chaotic as well.  
• A different cat and an unexpected but very consistently present guest have also been in the mix, and this has made life difficult for our old dog and her primary caretaker (me).
• The very pleasantly bright spots of this time have been the two Retiree's Cigar Group meetings I have been to each of the past two Thursdays.  They both felt casual, carefree, and relaxing.  

* * * * *

I am trying to discern a way to have a better 2025.  My wife and I will be writing our collective "Hopes & Dreams" like we do every New Year's Eve.  That will be very helpful for us and will help us to better understand and see how we can grow further together in the next year.  

But, for myself, personally, I also have been thinking about how I want to also have this upcoming 2025 feel better "inside my mind' as well.  I had always thought I was reasonably well versed in terms of understanding the harsher aspects of life.... disease, death, the caring for loved ones in that time.  But, naively, I never imagined in my later years, having to wrangle with the chaotically devastating emotions brought up in me through the actions of loved ones I do not talk about here.  In my wildest imagination, I never thought this would be my fate.  The reality is, is that I CANNOT keep living in this turmoil.  I must make changes in 2025 to make things "better" (aka less hurtful) for me.  How?  I am not sure yet, but these are some of the thoughts:

• Make as much of an effort to distance myself from this hurt.  I can only do so much in this regard, but I have to try to do this.
• Try to focus each morning on working to feel a sense of joy about something and use that joy as an anchor to try to keep the hurt from directing me off track.
• Really commit to upper body strengthening.  I have not really been consistent with any weight training since things shut down during Covid.  I think I need to make a concerted, consistent effort to bring that back into my routine in the morning.  
• I know there are other things I need to do as well.  I have to keep working to figure them out.  

PipeTobacco

Comments on Comments - December 18th

Grades are in!  So, today I thought I would respond so some of the comments I have received during the last week before I start working on next semester's syllabi:

AC said:

"It just struck me that what you call grading I always called marking."

I always find it interesting how there are varied terms for things in the SAME LANGUAGE in different regions.  Dialectic differences enrich a language.  While I "marking" could technically be used in place of "grading" here, it more likely would be used as a term similar to "editing" or "critiquing" some body of writing... whether or not it was being "graded" or "scored".  

"I was wondering if Scantrons still existed but can't think that there is anything difficult about them. However, they are supposed to save time, not add to it. Could departments not purchase their own?

The actual process of scanning Scantrons is straight forward.  However, some professors are not a) technologically "savvy" and tend to need to "reinvent the wheel" every time they use the machine.... taking ENORMOUS amounts of time as they "figure it out" or b) many are not particularly nuanced in how to get the rather "finicky" machines to run correctly.  Many professors are are not willing nor comfortable in trying to understand how to get the machines to function without jamming, without mis-feeding multiple test sheets at once, and without an understanding of how to fix test sheets that have been crumpled or wrinkled by students while they took the exam (if not fixed, the crumpled or wrinkled sheets cause a myriad of reading problems).  

When I work to scan my larger classes (with 100-125 students at a time), I have a whole routine of how I fuss and fix the documents PRIOR to my even going to the scantron.  I also have a whole (quick) routine on how I check and reset all the electronic and mechanical trouble spots of the scantron reader.  And, finally, I have a specific, precise fashion in which I FEED the scantrons into the scantron reader.  In this fashion, I can be VERY SPEEDY in my scanning efforts with usually great success!  But, as suggested above... many professors are not cognizant or not willing to "become one with the machine" to get it to do your bidding.  And, you end up getting long lines, and a fair amount of vehement cussing from many as a result.  

And... FINALLY.... there is another WHOLE set of issues/problems a lot of professors have in trying to get either paper or electronic copies of the scanned RESULTS and ANALYSES from the machines as well.  I need not elaborate on those, but they are rife for many.

"I have noted before you have detailed dreams down to scents and things."

I do also have some more "vauge" dreams where I cannot recall detail, but they are often quickly forgotten.  A lot of those are more in the "nightmare" category and all I feel or remember upon awaking is the agitation and stress I feel from the experience.   I do, though, very much prefer when I have a move vivid and detailed dreams. Those are the dreams that tend to stick with me more.  

"Are you thin or fat in your dreams? I am young, thin and have hair."

For me, it runs the gambit.  I am often my former heavyweight self in some dreams, but am my normal BMI weight in others.  I have not had a dream of me being a kid age in a very long time.  But, in my dreams these days I am all sorts of ages from my late 20s through my 60s.  It is very interesting to me that my age, body size, beard size, hair/beard color, pipe smoking proclivities all can be varied and mismatched in my dreams.  These parameters do not always conform to the given period/timeframe of the dream.  I even had a dream a few years ago (I do not think I wrote about it here), where I was my current old self, but I was visiting and talking with my parents who were both in their late 40s.  During the dream it seemed perfectly reasonable, but only at awakening did I find it so odd to have a dream where I was old but that my parents were younger than me.

GaP said:

"Regarding the pipe, I'm with Pat on this one. Going by past entries, you seemed more centered when you were melding flame to leaf"

I would agree with you, that my pipe smoking did help me feel far more "centered" in many ways.  Perhaps it was a very effective tool that helped me to "step back" from things to have a broader perspective?  I do not really know.  

Margaret said:

"I think it should be "are.""

I agree with you.  But, I would normally have never written a sentence in that fashion, because of the ambiguity.  I did so in that post, to highlight the varied opinions I know and have heard about such sentence constructs.  

"I rarely did scantron as a French teacher, but it seemed pretty straightforward. Make a key, set that up, then send the tests through. Do I remember details? No, but I thought it was quite amazing. I was used to hand grading EVERYTHING.

It should be that easy.  But, given the mechanics of the machines (20+ years old) and the tendency for many professors to be challenged by anything outside of their cerebral interests (see further what I wrote in reply to AC).... it is often a place of waiting and chaos.  

"Ears are a sore subject for me these days and ear wax was apparently part of my issue. It's gone for now but was clogging up my right ear and making it snap, crackle and pop. My eustachian tubes are still not 100% but they are lots better. It's been a miserable month or so. That's a shame about the lack of discussion regarding the video."

Did you ever discuss with your doctor the possibility of having tempormandibular joint disorder (TMJ Disorder)?  The symptoms are much like my own when I have a TMJ flair-up, including the inflammation of the Eustachian tubes.  I have scarring of my Eustachian tubes from frequent ear infections as a kid, so that further complicates the situation for me too.   And, yes.... ear wax buildup.... is a surprisingly challenging thing when it occurs!

"I don't think of you as stubborn, but as focused and determined. You know who you want to be and work toward that. It's a shame that we can't convince our children to be their best selves, eh? I'm still working on it but it's an up and down and day to day thing. I hope you can get to the Cigar Group; it sounds like you need relaxing time away from your normal routine." 

Thank you!  I much more like the terms focused and determined.  I DO try to force myself towards being the person I should be.  It is tiring at times, however, when I continually come up short of what I should be. 

But, on those days when I really do not want to try to do what I should, I DO have to be very stubborn with myself.  And, occasionally I think my wife might prefer to use the "stubborn" moniker for me too. :)

Pam said:

"Margaret is correct about "are" being the right verb to use."

I agree with you (and said so also to Margaret above who also said "are".).  But, with the overly complex sentence I had written in that post (purposefully), I know there would be many folks who would argue about the usage.  Normally, I would NOT have written a sentence like that former one, simply to avoid the potential debate. 

"I think your Thursdays with the smokers serves a very important function for you at this point in your life. Male companionship. Relaxed, informal conversation. In reading your earlier blog entries I was struck by how happy you were on those hunting weekends with a group of friends. Not just happy but blissful. My husband is like you. He operates best when he spends at least a little time every week or month with guys — talking, drinking, smoking sometimes, listening to music, at games, in bars. A small dose goes far. Sounds old fashioned. Maybe it is?"

I find the "Retiree's Cigar Group" to be something to look forward to each week.  It has become quite important for me.  It is a time that is so very different from my day-to-day.  It is admittedly an "unimportant" time, meaning that being there does not accomplish anything of merit, nor is it helping me to be the person I should be.  But, its lack of importance is a great deal of why it feels so valuable to me.  I realize that so much of my life is focused on "doing" and not so much on "being".... if that makes sense.  The Retiree's Cigar Group" with it having no real "expectations" from me is a peaceful, enjoyable place.  

Pat M said:

"Professor, as you've spent decades leading seminars and class discussions, I'm sure you could "steer" the Care & Share post-video discussion back in the direction of the video, yes?"

Yes, you are correct that I COULD steer the discussion back to some sort of focus, but..... as I am not the facilitator, I do not feel I should be intrusive if that way.   And, I guess from a bigger picture perspective, perhaps the facilitator is doing this as a way to promote everyone to feel participatory.  I cannot say.  It is just for me that it is not as much of a learning experience as I would hope. 

"As for your TMJ, perhaps you could replace the bite splint during the daytime with one of your pipes, unlit. Clenching down on a pipe might elevate your mood even while preserving your teeth and jaw." 

I do that very trick with one of my beloved pipes quite often!  And, in times of more mild TMJ symptoms, it is quite effective (and it allows me a more intimate way to relish the beautiful memories of previous pipes as well).  But, when my TMJ is at an EXTREME, it is ineffective, and even my bite guard is of minimal help at that point.  There seems little I can do at those times other than wait it out. 

"I have to respect your choices, but I also have to admit that I'm looking forward to the day when you discover that your particular wagon is greatly over-rated. I trust that it is serving you adequately right now, but I know that when you do hop off the wagon you'll find that you are happier and a lot more comfortable"

Sometimes I truly wonder if all this refraining from my pipes is valuable or not.  In theory it should be helping me to be a healthier version of myself.  But, I do not know.  Maybe I am of an age where it not longer makes a damn bit of difference?  Who is to say?  The various thoughts to re-engage with the beloved hobby of my pipes and pipe tobaccos continual swirls in my mind with other thoughts of staying vigilant and keeping up the "good fight" of refraining.  I really do not know.  It seems that nearly every day is a new lesson for me of the same two opposite questions.  Hopping "off the wagon" sure does, very often, have tremendous appeal.  I would also avoid motion sickness from the wagon. :)

"As for your musings about your former obesity, let me remind you that pipe smoking is correlated with lower weight. Perhaps that truth will help to poke through your stubbornness and encourage you to dangle your toes over the edge of the wagon, even if you aren't yet quite ready to hop off."

My weight, as a hefty person in a normal BMI body, is challenging.... that is very true.  I am especially concerned about the chaotic eating that befalls the holidays.  It is always a struggle.  In the holiday season of Thanksgiving 2023 - January 1st, 2024.... I had gained what had been a fairly routine 5 pounds (2.2 kg) (it seems I had done this most years since my weight loss).  Typically, though, the excess weight would come back off during January.  But, this year, it did NOT go back down completely.  I did go down a pound, but have basically stayed ~4 pounds (1.8kg) heavier in 2024 than I was in 2023.  In the greater scheme of things, perhaps meaningless.  But, to a formerly very hefty person, the retaining does worry me.  And, I am not sure what may transpire this season. 

" As for your grade-grubbing students, I assume you gave them a syllabus at the start of the semester... in which case they should be able to see for themselves whether you've made extra credit available." 

Yes, I have a 10 page syllabus that has ample detail about damn near everything I can think of that I distribute on the First day of class.  I also provide students with a document on the SECOND DAY of class that lists each and every single assignment, test, quiz, writing assignment, etc.... and the DAY IT IS DUE.  The student's LMS also electronically provides similar information in a different format.  

The thing is..... there will always be "grade grubbers" no matter what I will do.  And, (fortunately or unfortunately) I am not a "hard-ass" sort of professor..... otherwise I could just have an auto-reply e-mail of "NO!" go out at this time of year.  I (fortunately or unfortunately) feel it is my responsibility to listen to each student's plead, worry, fear, and respond.  But, it can get exhausting.    

PepperLady said:

"Stuggle is name of the game."

Very sad, but also very true.  But, sometimes in 2024, it seems there is ONLY struggle pretty much every damn minute of every day from the moment my feet hits the pavement until the moment my head hits the pillow.  It does not seem like it was always like this.   

* * * * *

• I ran 10 miles (~16km) every morning so far this week.  
• I had a delightful pipe dream Monday night, and focused on virtually exclusively on my smoking a large bowl of Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco.  It was pretty much just me smoking my pipe, sort of a video "head shot" of me doing so, with a hazy, non-detailed bluish-grey background surrounding me.  The primary sensory modalities at the forefront however, were the vivid tastes and smells of the beautiful Sir Walter Raleigh.  The burly-bourbon flavor was such a rich experience in my dream, bringing back delightful memories.  The other interesting sensation I had in the dream was the feeling of the wrinkles of my forehead and brow relaxing as I indulged in the pipe.  I remember that same exact feeling from so many of my real life pipes over the years. 
• I have every intention of going to the "Retiree's Cigar Group" tomorrow.  Let us hope the weather does not turn rough so that I can go.  

PipeTobacco  

Grading the Grades of Gradation

I am in the midst of grading.  From the standpoint of absolutes, it should be pretty straight forward to grade, for in THEORY answers to questions in science are "right" or "wrong".  Yet, the reality is that science, and education, and hell, COMMUNICATION can be and is (are) all rather relative.  The is/are choice in the prior sentence is a case in point.  Most would say that the correct choice is "is" as the sentence at its core focusing on reality..... which arguably most folks think of as singular.  However, for some there is a thought that the singular "reality" is actually representing multiple facets depending upon perspective (Think of "Allegory of the Cave" for a Platonian perspective on that.) and should be thought of as plural (hence "are").  And still others, some in our English Department, feel a need to purposefully break some rules of grammar constructs and suggest that from a "flow" perspective that the foci of the sentence is "science, education, communication" which is (are.... HA!) plural and deserves "are".  

So, a long-winded way to get to my point..... grading, no matter how "concrete" is actually subjective.  Could my exam questions have used words/terms outside of a typical vocabulary?  You are damn right that they likely have.  I often have had students come up to me in an exam and ask me what "this or that" word means.... and it is not the science term or concept they are being asked about.  It happens so often that I sometimes wonder.  A limited few of the MANY examples of words I can recall students not understanding include:

obliterate, instill, cornucopia, plethora, lavage, bathes (used in regards to "saliva bathes the teeth with enzymes".... I had a student argue with me about that word for 20 minutes one time)

Let me try to steer myself back to my point..... even though many think grading should be absolute, it is really something that needs nuanced gradations to do well.  "Gradation" as a word means:

• a scale or a series of successive changes, stages, or degrees.

• a stage or change in a series of successive degrees.

  "minute gradations of distance"

• a minute change from one shade, tone, or color to another.

  "amorphous shapes in subtle gradations of green and blue" 

So, I do typically give some sort of very modest curve to my courses, and I give a lot of thought to how that curve may pan across the array of students.  

So, in the beautiful, albeit distant past, I used to (somewhat) facetiously tell students that I was going to let their grades "marinate" for a while while I enjoyed a drink or two with my father-in-law as we indulged in  our pipes and conversed on Friday afternoon.  I then said this "marination" process would help me to discern if any sort of "curve" may be warranted for their course.  Some students would grin, others would seem perplexed.  

So, I am battling to get to the step where I can let the grades "marinate" (sadly sans pipe or beer).  I am determined to get there within an hour or so.

* * * * * 

The "Retiree's Cigar Group" was wonderful and pleasant in all regards yesterday!!!  Because of the snow there were fewer fellows than average.... only seven in total.  And, a lot of the talk focused on "snow blowers" and the good and bad attributes each fellow found in his machine.  But, it was just a relaxing, fun, pleasant time.  I picked up the same cigar I had the week prior, a Perdomo Habana.  It was pleasant, but the relaxation and conversation were more so.  I ended up indulging in the cigar until the nub was so short that I was getting nervous about its potential to singe my mustache hairs.  The nub was perhaps an inch and a half  long (perhaps 4 cm) when I tossed it.  The cigar was not a pipe, nor could it ever be as wonderful.  But, it was pleasant, and the camaraderie was great!

I ran my 10 miles (~16km), but did so in the early afternoon today.  I did a later run,because I decided to STAY HOME this morning and to do my grading in my den.  It was nice and very comfortable.  I was wearing sweat pants and a comfortable sweatshirt and baseball cap.  I listened to my wind band instrument channel on Pandora while I worked.  

PipeTobacco

Scantron

Bean counters unfortunately rule.

For at least 40 years the U had an Scantron Office where faculty could turn in scantrons to a person skilled and knowledgeable in the "art" of scanning..... to have the beasts ran through the mechanical processor and analytics produced.  When you would turn in the scantrons, there would be a 24 hour turn around time in the process.  The Office was located in the very center of campus, so it was never more than a 12-15 minute walk for even the most distant classroom locations.  Very, very nice.  

About five years ago, the U saw fit to abolish this person's position and in doing so also closed the Scantron Office saying Faculty could now do their own scanning.  They even gave us the "luxury" of having FOUR different scanning mechanical processors scattered at various locations across campus.  

Unfortunately, some faculty are not particularly mechanically inclined, nor are they necessarily astute at following directions.  These faculty FREQUENTLY jam up the queue at each scanning station because they struggle in figuring the damn beast out.  Certain Departments seem to have an especially high percentage of folks who struggle with the beasts.  I will not name these Departments, but I can say that in my perusal of the situation, the percentage of science and mathematics faculty who struggle with the devices are relatively modest in comparison.  

Also unfortunately one of the four mechanical processors is on the fritz.  AND, one is not accessible now as the building in which it is housed is currently closed due to remodeling and structural improvements.  

Finally, it is FINALS WEEK, so the use rates of the damnable machines is at a peak.  With the two processors diametrically on opposite sides of campus, and each with long lines of woebegone professors each looking like they are being driven to drink because of the difficulty in getting scores accomplished so they can be added to the across semester grades students have earned.  

I HAVE graded all the written portions of the exams and papers required of my ~225 students, but I still have the scantron scores to obtain.  The lines never seem to diminish.  Perhaps I will come back in the middle of the night to see if the lines are gone.  

I am in the middle of administering my last exam of the semester (it too is scantron).  If I were to get into the daytime queue and wait..... with ~225 scans across all my classes and  11 different VERSIONS of exams (in the bigger classes I have different versions of the same exam to avoid "wandering eyes").  So my having 11 different scan jobs would not make me a popular person a the scanning station currently.

* * * * * 

I think I am going to try to go to the Retiree's Cigar Group.  I hope it is fun.  It is awfully damn cold today, having dropped to a current temperature of 10 degrees F (negative12 degrees C).  

I ran my 10 miles this morning (~16 km).  

Tonight my wife and I are planning to have TACOS!  Always a delicious meal!

I am hoping we can again go swimming today too!

No pipe dreams last night (sigh).  But, my TMJ pain is still regressing further!!!

PipeTobacco

Ceruminous Glands

I believe all of recognize that our ear will produce earwax.  Most folks do not think about earwax often, if at all.  Yet, your trusty physiologist (cough) does so..... regularly..... for TWO REASONS:

1.  Earwax is a subject that is a mildly important topic in teaching anatomy & physiology.  Generally, there are two chapters where earwax gets mentioned..... in the Integumentary System (the system of our skin) and in the Nervous System (in the chapter of the neurobiology of the Special Senses).  

In the Integumentary System I mention how earwax is produced by ceruminous glands that evolutionarily derive from and are modified sweat glands.  The actual sticky/pasty earwax most of us produce is a mixture of the fluids produced by the ceruminous glands mixed with oils from our sebaceous glands..... both of which are within our external auditory canal.  Some folks have a more "flaky" grey/white earwax which has less sebaceous oil within it.

In the Nervous System I again talk about ear wax in its role as a protectant for the external auditory canal and the tympanic membrane ("eardrum")  It serves several roles here in terms of lubrication, trapping particulates and enhancing the microbial barriers in this region to lessen the chance of infectious beasts (bacteria and viruses) from getting into the middle or inner ear regions.  

2.  However, there is a second reason I often think about earwax..... TMJ Disorder.  The temporomandibular joint I so often refer to associated with my TMJ Disorder results from a myriad of different actions that can negatively impact the temporomandibular joint, including:

Grinding of the teeth

Bruxing of the teeth

Too aggressive mastication (chewing)

But, also ANYTHING that can cause inflammation to arise in the joint..... including inflammation in tissues surround the joint.  This is why I am writing about this today.....

My TMJ has been a significant pain in the posterior again for the last several days.  To try to alleviate the situation, there are so many things I do/try to do. Of course I begin by extending the wearing of my bite splint to virtually all day and night other than when I am lecturing or eating.  I try to chew more "gingerly" as well.  And, I usually take some form on NSAID (my choice is asprin as it has lower potential to result in liver challenges or kidney challenges than Tylenol or Motrin or other NSAIDS of that sort).  

But, sometimes none of the above helps me transition out of a TMJ Disorder pain cycle.  Then I will try cleaning out my auditory canal.  I try to not do this too often as I end up using a weak solution of hydrogen peroxide in very warm water in which I use an rubber ear bulb to lavage the canal.  It is not good to do this routinely, but in the cases where there is build-up of excessive earwax, this can help to dislodge the earwax.  

Well, I was desperate for relief and lavaged my auditory canal late last night and fortunately a HUGE blob of excessive earwax was flushed out!!!  I could already sense a decline in discomfort.  I then will typically drip in a few drops of isopropyl (rubbing) alcohol into the canal as well.   

So, today I feel considerably better.  The pain and swelling is not GONE, but it is greatly reducing and I have hope that I will be back up to snuff in a few days.  Excessive earwax can become lodged against the tympanic membrane resulting in discomfort and inflammation of the region of the face by the affected auditory canal.... and lead to inflammation in the region of the temporomandibular joint.  

* * * * *
I ran my 10 miles (~16 km) this morning.  

Last night I had a beautiful dream that was a "mishmash" and was not based on a memory.  In my dream, I was probably age-wise, in my early 30s by how my beard and mustache were colored, but my beard and mustache were of the "big" variety I now sport.  Back in my early 30s I was more fussy and meticulous and kept my beard and mustache "professorially" short (about maximum of 1 inch).  And, it was a beautiful, cloudy Summer day and I was sitting at the rocky shore of a lake that had nearly up to the edge of the waterfront, towering and beautiful pine trees.  The "juniperish" scent of the pine forrest was beautiful and strong.  And, I was relaxing in a lounge chair (one of those webbed, outdoor chairs with the three sections so I could elevate my feet as well.  I had one of my old film cameras in my lap (strangely enough, it was my Russian SLR (which I have never used, I just thought it was "cool") that I bought maybe only 5-10 years ago from a thrift shop when I happened to stumble upon it).   I was smoking my pipe, and it was filled with the delightful Iwan Ries "Three Star Blue" blend that I had first tried only a very few years ago.  So, the dream was a mish-mash of ages and times all incongruent with each other.  But, the intensity and robustness of the flavors and feelings of the "Three Star Blue" were so vivid and rich and sensorially invigorating to each and every neuron of my body.  It was so very, very pleasant.  

Tonight there is another "Care & Share" meeting at our Parish.  Last week's video was thought provoking.  I wrote about it in the workbook we have.  Perhaps I will make a post about it here.  However, last week's DISCUSSION following the video quickly veered away from the religious/philosophical impact and meaning of the video instead into a discussion of someone's discussion of her ASD and another's discussion of their frustration at a store they were shopping at earlier in the day.  And, a third person spent the discussion time talking about how her grandkids had visited the prior weekend.   And, by "quickly veered away" I am estimating it may have perhaps been ~214 milliseconds after the video concluded and the instructor/guide suggested groups would want to begin the thought/discussion questions in the accompanying workbook.  But, my wife and I are heading there again..... and I will at least enjoy the video.  :)

Dinner tonight will be a turkey sandwich on heavily seeded pumpernickel bread, tomato soup, mixed vegetables, and a salad bigger than my head.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that my wife and I may be able to also go swimming prior to "Care & Share".  

PipeTobacco 

  

Inflammatory Responses

 

It has been less than a stellar day.  I awoke very grumpy (about the usual things I do not talk about, which were the focus of my "dreams" last night).  I also feel a bit "swollen" but not in any specific sense other than my TMJ is acting up (probably from significant clenching and grinding during my sleep).  So, I feel tired physically and unfocused and sad emotionally.  

But, I have been trying to "shake it off".  I pounded out my 10 miles (~16 km).  Other than my high fiber cereal this morning, I have been fasting and only trying to consume a lot of fluids.  We had our Department's Christmas Meal, which also had its ups and downs.  I did not want to eat, so I took a few "treats" on a plate and will share them with my wife this evening.  I brought a pesto pasta salad to share at this meal, which is a very large "potluck".  

It is difficult feeling so unfocused.  I really do not want to do anything.  But, I need to keep trudging.  I am writing a bunch of abstracts for a future meeting that I am goading my undergraduate researchers to present at.  The due date for submitting the abstracts is pretty soon.  Finals are ongoing and a plethora of students are coming to my door wanting to "discuss" their grade (because they are not performing as they think they "always do" in every other class).  They also consistently inquire about the possibility of "extra credit" that they could potentially have (!?!?!?!).  With ~230 students this semester in my classes, there is a whole lot of kvetching by them this time of year.

* * * * *

I really would enjoy a pipe right now.  But that is, of course, not possible because I do not have a plan to know how to do so without "falling off the wagon".

I really would enjoy an IPA or two, but I do not need the calories at this time of year for it is already rather damn hard for my formerly fatso self to maintain my normal BMI at this time of the year.  It is interesting to me that I get occasional comments about being "skinny" these days, but my psyche still feels like the fat person I had always been.  Even though I am approaching what is about 16 years of a normal BMI (a revelation to me as well, because it does not seem that long ago).

I am looking forward to the hoped for possibility of being in the "Retiree's Cigar Group" this week, but that is not until Thursday, and who knows what trials and tribulations may occur to thwart that.  

* * * * *
I can be stubborn when I need to be.  At least I can be stubborn to myself, when push-comes-to-shove.

PipeTobacco

Just Trying

I did brave the snowy roads (they were fine for a "seasoned" snow traveler like myself, but it was still a bit risky as a lot of folks, especially younger folks were not yet quite ready nor properly skilled in their snow vehicular navigation).  I did see a few vehicles in ditches, and saw one vehicle cantilever rather awkwardly on the roadway as the fellow struggled to regain control of his beast.  

But, because I was both foolish and brave simultaneously.... I was able to attend the "Retiree's Cigar Group" meeting, and it was extremely pleasant.  

The talk was all over the map.  Lots of humor (a bit of it on the blue side), lots of kvetching, lots of talking, reminiscing, visiting, etc.  It was enjoyable and very relaxing.  

As is my normal, I start off rather quiet (recall, I was called out on that initially).  But, they have grown to recognize that is just me.  The group was at about a dozen or so fellows when I got there.  And, for my natural inclination, I DO tend to be quiet in that large size of a group. But, it did not matter.  And, it was enjoyable to quietly listen to the stories.  

As time went on, the group size began to decrease as it always does.  Folks leave for a lot of reasons.... some have various appointments to get to (medical, dental, etc), some are meeting family or friends somewhere.  One fellow has an afternoon "gig" as a part-time Walmart greeter in retirement.  But it ebbs and flows each week.  If I am able to stay into the mid-range of the meeting with my own schedule, the group usually dwindles down to a handful of folks, and then I feel more "talkative".  

Folks were asking me a lot of about endocrinology yesterday, as a few of them had some ailments related to the system.  

Overall a very nice time!  Oh, and the cigar I tried was a Perdomo Habano Connecticut.  It was pleasant and added to the relaxation.

This morning, I slept in a bit later than I probably should have.  But, it felt so comfortable to have only a completely UNSCHEDULED day of work ahead.... meaning, I did not have to meet any particular, damnable timelines, and could work at my own pace and one the projects of my own choosing based upon what seemed best.  So, I hit the track at 6:33am and hoofed out my 10 miles (~16 km).  The running is feeling much more like it used to..... enjoyable.  I think the shoes are magical, and my purposeful attempt to focus on goals and values instead of just being at the "beck-and-call" of whomever is having the latest "crisis" has helped.  

Last evening, while I was waiting  a bit for my wife so we could proceed with making dinner, I spent some time perusing of my favorite on-line pipe shops that sells both new pipes and estate pipes ("estate" is the fancy term used for "used" in pipe circles).  The site has absolutely beautiful images of all its pipes, and it is akin to being in an art gallery while simply perusing my phone.  Aesthetically, I can definitely enjoy and appreciate some of the more ornate and some rather "out there" pipes that people have carved, whittled, or otherwise made.  They are almost inevitably beautiful to look at.  Even though my own pipe proclivities have always been towards the TRADITIONAL shapes, usually especially the larger bowled pipes in these traditional shapes..... I can very much enjoy seeing the fine craftsmanship of some of the more exotic specimens. I did see a similar "estate" pipe to the one at the top of this post that intrigued me greatly with its comfortably appealing shape (for me (meaning not exotic)). It is a definite "looker" in my opinion.... again in a traditional fashion.  I looked again at the site this morning for the estate pipe..... and I fully admit I had a very "itchy" ordering finger, but (fortunately or unfortunately, you can choose your preferred opinion) it was already sold......gone.  

I also looked at the delightful pipe tobaccos at this retailer as well while I was at their site.  They did have a new blend they were offering for the holidays that was purported to express hints of nutmeg, clove, and honey.  It seemed like a very intriguing blend to me.  It sounded exceptionally tasty and delightful.  The flavors were ensconced in a blend of leaves that was primarily burley (of course, my favorite) with some Virginias in it as well.  My ordering finger was mightily tempted to order a few ounces or more.  But, I was "good" and refrained.  But, its potential flavors still ring incessantly in my mind.  

I am planning to put up the Christmas tree this weekend.  I am feeling rather minimalist though in terms of decorating.  I think my wife if feeling similarly.   

PipeTobacco 

Love & Kindness

Again, the above is NOT me, nor my wife, but I did like the image quite a bit.  I do love my wife so very much.  I am fortunate she loves me.  I try to find many ways to express my love to her.  

Yesterday, my wife and I went to a "Care & Share" meeting.  That is the what I have labeled these meetings which are ostensibly meant to be "Adult Catechism" in our Parish.  As it is now Advent, we have a series of four "Care & Share" meetings where we watch a video put on by various folks involved in Catholic doctrine and teachings, and then we are supposed to discuss points of the video using a textbook which poses discussion questions.  And,  the videos and textbook ARE quite nice and have been informative.  But, unfortunately, the folks in this group do not really have much in the way of "focus" on the textbook, and instead within minutes, the discussion devolves into folks simply chatting about family and friends and work, etc.  It becomes a veritable "social hour" minus beer.

And, I have resigned myself to the above.  I do like being part of the group.  But, I WOULD really like to DISCUSS and DISSECT OUT MEANING from the videos we watch and from the questions posed.  I guess it is the academic in me, but the experience is not the educational learning experience I had initially hoped for way back when my wife and I had first started going to these in the new Parish.... but.... I do try to spend time OUTSIDE of the "Care & Share" meeting to work through the workbook.... but it feels..... a bit "blah" to do so.

We also had a bigger snowfall than was predicted yesterday (about 3 inches, ~7.5cm).  So, I am at the U, but am waiting to see how the roads appear by this afternoon to see if it would be appropriate for me to still cavort to the nearby (but distant) town to the "Retiree's Cigar Group.... or if that would be foolhardy.  I do hope I can go.

PipeTobacco

Cooler

We have had a 10 degree or so drop in temperatures the last several days so that the high temperatures we are now experiencing each day are below freezing.  Pretty typical, actually.... perhaps a bit later than usual due to global warming.  But, it is a period of acclimation for certain.  It takes me usually a week or two of persistent cold to acclimate.  

Now, I WOULD LIKE to be as cool as the fellow in the image I have posted.  But, not cool in the temperature sense, but cool in the "essence" sense.  But, that will never be..... I am just my frumpy self.  And, I guess that is fine as well.

I saw a quote yesterday that I appreciated and am trying to keep in my mind.  I do not know who spoke it, but it has meaning for me:

"In six months you will have..... six months of excuses.... or you will have six months of progress.  The choice is yours."  

 Food for thought that I need to keep in mind.

I ran my 10 miles (indoor track, a helluva lot of loops) (~16km) at the start time of 6:03am this morning.  It DOES feel so much more positive of an experience with my new shoes.... I do think I have to look for another pair online before all the old style are completely gone (if they are not gone already).  The "new style" I had had been running in was horrible (see yesterday's post).  

I am in the crunch phase of the semester with more than a zillion projects coming in from my plethora of students.  I am feverishly writing exams and trying to get them to the Graphics Center.  I am grading, and researching ad nauseum.  

But, I am so very much looking forward to the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow afternoon.  It is akin to an oasis in many ways.  I hope that is how it is tomorrow.  In some ways it still surprises me.... as you know, I do indulge in a cigar while there.  And, it is an enjoyable experience, do not get me wrong.  But, it is NOT a pipe filled with pipe tobacco.  There is no real comparison.  In some ways, perhaps, this is of benefit to me for I have not and do not anticipate developing any sort of unbridled "passion" for a cigar like I deeply have, and likely will always have for a pipe and pipe tobacco.  The cigar is an interesting, entertaining, yet rather superfluous event.  I enjoy it when I have that option, but it really is nothing more.   But, it is indeed fun and enjoyable to enjoy a cigar while talking, chatting, and kvetching with the "retirees".   

The pipe filled with pipe tobacco, by contrast, is a passion, a true "artistic" experience.  It seems in some ways to be both odd and even "foolish" to have the two diametrically different views on what is.... at a very basic level, the "same" thing.... a leaf of a plant.  I find the dichotomy rather interesting.  I still YEARN for a pipe, and the memories of the many beautiful adventures I have had while smoking a pipe continue to help me feel tranquil and peaceful as I fall asleep each night.  In some ways, I think this dichotomy is what makes it more challenging for me to find a "safe" way to try to re-incorporate a very occasional pipe into my life.  I am not particularly confident in my resolve to do so in a "measured" way unless it is something I can rigidly regulate and control.  I do think without prescribed "stop-gaps" and "rules" if I were to indulge in a pipe, I would so very easily slide back into my preferred pattern of indulging at will in the beloved hobby.

Fortunately, on the ride into the U this morning, while the roads had a full coating of snow, the temperatures were such that there were really no slippery spots of concern.  This is good, for the students do not need the hassel of getting their "snow feet" (their getting used to walking/driving in snow) during this crunch period.  When a glaze of icy road and sidewalk conditions occur at this time of the year, there is an inevitable spike in injuries (falling on the sidewalk) and fender benders in the student population.  It appears that at least today it will still be smooth sailing for them.

PipeTobacco   

Well...

I made it through Thanksgiving.  It was not horrible.  Things broadly with what I do not mention are again back to being... simply nebulous, frustrating, sad, and disheartening..... which is to say... it is a tremendous improvement over what it had been like recently.

I am making a concerted effort to TRY to the best of my ability, to not focus all my time and energy on this situation.  It does me no good. It exhausts and hurts me, and who the hell knows how much time I have left to try to have a life?  This is the approach I have been trying to foster in myself since perhaps Saturday.  It has helped to make things LESS unpleasant.

* * * * *

I have tried to retune my focus on my running.  I am again consistently hoofing out the 10 miles (~16 km) each morning.  After the "corn/callous/plantar wart"  thing (never got a clear answer which it was from the foot doctor, he said they are all treated the same anyhow), I was struggling to get myself back up to my normal miles.  I really in many ways didn't give a damn anymore.  But, I am working to turn that around again.  Both yesterday and today's run has felt enjoyable.  

A part of what is helping with my running is that I broke down and bought a new pair of the damnably expensive running shoes.  The prior pair..... I absolutely hated.  They were version #21 of the brand of shoe I run in, and in version #21 they made some obnoxious changes to the heel of the shoe so it always felt like I was leaning too far FORWARD when I ran, and I could not land comfortably on my heel, but instead landed on the ball of my front foot.  Supposedly, this is a "new trend" in running and a lot of shoes are being made this way.  But, I HATE IT.  It feels worrisome and I keep thinking that it is making it more likely I will stumble and fall with those damn shoes. I have hoofed out well over 1,400 miles (~2,250 km) on those horrendous shoes... and I still HATE them, so I thought I could "deserve" a new pair.

So, how did I fix this?  Well, I did a fairly exhaustive Internet search (and it took QUITE a while) to find a pair of  the previous version (#20) of the shoe in my clod-hopper size (12.5 US, 47 EU).  I found ONE pair, and they were gray and orange.  When they arrived, it was like a night and day difference.  I could again comfortably land on my HEEL and run normally and did not feel like I was always falling forward.  I do not know what to do in the future though.  I should see if I can find another of the #20 version in my clod-hopper size and stow it away.  Either that, or I will next have to try to find another type of running shoe altogether, which is daunting.  These are the brand I started using (way back when it was version #9, I think) and never had any problems with my feet.  It was very challenging to find an old version #20 as they have been discontinued for at least a year, and my foot size also is not helpful in that regard.... not an abundant size.  It appears the lion's share of male shoes produced are in the size 7 - size 10 range, which must be where most folks's size falls, I guess.  

I was too "beat-up" emotionally to do anything on my Dad's 101st birthday.  I regret not having gone to the cemetery, but I was just not able to wrangle up the energy to go.  The blissful enticement of a pipe was not even enough on that day to get me out of my emotional torpor.  I regret missing that opportunity for a pipe as well. 

Yet, now that I am FORCING myself once again back into a state of normalcy.... I admit to looking forward to (hopefully) being able to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group this Thursday.  With last Thursday being Thanksgiving, there was no meeting that day, so it seems like it has been a very long time. I look forward to the camaraderie.  It is interesting that I now feel fully accepted into the group, which is very nice.  

So many end of the semester things need to be accomplished.  I should try to get back to focused work.

PipeTobacco