Pins & Needles
Not really sure what to say. Things have been rough. I feel anxious, and on edge, and always waiting for the "other shoe" to drop, whether it is from work folks who are rude and hurtful, or from that which I do not talk about, or some relative's health issue... it seems my like has again migrated back to me perpetually feeling on edge.... 24 hours a day. It is an abomination.
Unfortunately, there isn't a helluva lot I can really do about any of it:
- I would like to quit. But, that lets the bastards win, as the saying goes. And, I actually truly enjoy teaching and researching. But, those two are are poison.
- I would like to ignore "that which I cannot talk about", but that is not the right thing to do.
- I would like to run away from all the impending death and extreme decline that is happening to relatives, but I cannot abandon them, no matter how much this hurts to go through.
The difficulty at the moment (at the last nearly two weeks) the pain of the above, the anxiety of the above is that it is UNRELENTING. It is from morning till night.... other than when I sleep. Sleep is the most peaceful time I have in life at the moment.
What else?
- I have kept up with my damn miles. At the moment, they are the LAST thing I want to do in the morning, as it pulls me out of the peace of sleep. And, I feel very resentful about not sleeping. But, I know it is essential to run.... to breakdown my damnably sky high stress hormone levels to try to keep even-keeled and the hormones manageable.
- I fall asleep dreaming of smoking my pipes. Just routing my brain into those memories helps me drop off to sleep faster than making "Minute Rice".
- I am not really sure if I gave in at the moment and just went back to my pipes, if even THEY would be enough to manage my stress.... but I would not mind trying and seeing if it would help.
- And, yet, even though I do suspect it would help me to SOME degree, I think going back to them currently would further complicate my life as well. I do not think I could withstand any more complexities at the moment.