Random

 I did.not want to stay in my office any longer, and I didn’t feel like going home…. both seemed too “stifling” regarding work I could do.  

I am in a park and typing on my phone.  So, please excuse any typos. Also, thoughts may be more brief as thumb typing is slower.  

I am trying to feel out the now seemingly real idea that I can retire.  It is both thought provoking and nerve wracking.  

Random thoughts:

1.  It SOUNDS fun in some ways…. but what is fantasy “dreaming” and what can be “reality”.  And, of things that MAY be able to be “real” how do I figure out the “right” realities to aim for?  

2.  I do fear a loss of identity. 

3.  I really have never TRULY looked beyond being a “professor”.

4.  Having taught for 40 years…. what AM I if I do not teach?  

5.  The unstructured, “everything is possible - nothing is set or established” aspect of retirement is more than a bit frightening.  

6.  When to “pull the trigger”?  It could be in one year.  It could be three years.  It could be never.  

7.  The many “pipe dream” thoughts over the years of what I could DREAM to do in retirement…. now have to be examined for feasibility and for what I SHOULD do.  Real decisions are looming.

8.  Family is of course a big concern.  But, the more usual and helpful ideas for decision making of being near grandkids is not an option.  No grandkids will arise in the foreseeable near future and the kids are not in any way settled in a “home” city either currently. So that does not provide any guidance at this time.  

9.  Alzheimer’s scares the living sh*t out of me, now having experienced it with my MIL.  My genetic side of the family has never experienced it before.  It appears to BE fairly common in my wife’s genetic side though.  If my wife were to develop Alzheimer’s….. I cannot fathom how lonely I would feel. 

10. Do I actually have any actual goals to strive for any longer?  Goals and trying my damndest to TRY to meet them shaped damn near every part of my life.  Do I have or can I FIND meaningful goals to strive for?  Or are goals really an illusion… and at my age should I only look at “reality” and give up the “fantasy” of goals and striving and trying?  

11.  How do I “relax”?  This sounds asinine, I know…. but sincerely…. “relaxation” in many ways feels (felt?) like “playing hooky” from the things I should be doing… and in many ways I associate relaxation as a minor, temporary thing that I sometimes would selfishly do…. until guilt or worry about what I SHOULD be doing would drive me back to work.  

12.  Do I have meaning?  I used to believe that my teaching students gave my life meaning and purpose.  And, I can still delude myself that this IS so.  But, is it really?  If no, was it all a farce?  If yes, what meaning will I have after teaching is gone?  

Again, the above is just a jumbled, random spewing of different thoughts I have been having.  

I look back at the above and feel rather stupid.  But, these have been a fair number of my thoughts.  They need to be here for me to examine…. and to allow them to settle OUT of my mind for a while.  

PipeTobacco 

A Lot

There are MANY different thoughts I have been having about retirement.  I have been trying to sort them out in my mind to try to write about what I am thinking (it helps me to get it on “paper”).  I have, however, not yet gotten a “gelled” enough focus to really write in any sort of coherent way.  

I am seeing that there are many positives and many negatives in looking at the reality of retirement.  There are many things I need to think about.  

My prior reality was basically to have frivolous “dreams” of what retirement could be, but truthfully, in many ways I have never seriously thought any of it through….. mostly believing it would not be able to happen and that I would work until I die.  

But, now, I need to do some rather serious thinking.  

The Retiree’s Group was pleasant and fun, but it did divert my attentions away from any coalescing of thoughts….. not sure if that was intentional on my part, or just circumstance.

PipeTobacco 

Retirement

Yesterday my wife and I drove down to the U’s Retirement Folks about 90 minutes away to get an update.  It has had me pondering a lot of things all day today.  

I was primarily cleaning and sorting stuff in the A&P teaching lab in preparation for Fall.  

I have a lot of different thoughts I need to work through about yesterday.  It is rather a lot of different thoughts.  

Tomorrow will hopefully be a great day”Retiree’s Group” meeting.  But, then in the early evening I also have a Parish Council Meeting.  

PipeTobacco 

Maybe Another 5K?

My youngest son was trying to get me to run a relatively close by race that is a 5K Run (3.1 miles) with him in the middle of October.  I think I will probably do it.  But, while I run AT LEAST that distance (usually double that distance of late (~6.2 miles), and it used to be triple that distance (9 or 10 miles) until I had the plantar wart/plantar fasciitis challenge a while back) every weekday and many Saturdays.... the thought of running in the presence people..... especially of "REAL" runners makes me feel uncomfortable and rather out-of-place.  When I run, I run solo.

It may be rather stupid of me to feel this way, as I know the 5K Run is for anyone who wants to do it.  But, in my gut (and mind) I still feel like the "portly" fellow I used to be (hell, approaching 20 years ago now).  It is a mindset of "shame" and "embarrassment" and of being a "failure".  And, while I do not and would not want ANYONE to feel that way about themselves whatever their body shape may be..... FOR ME it is a difficult thing to shake off those old, negative feeling about myself..... I still do feel them.  

Another facet about it that is hard for me to get out of my head is that I am just an "old, slovenly duffer" who really is not a runner.  I have been running for ~12 years now..... but I feel out of place with all the "cool folks" who project an athletic "je ne sais quoi" of "real" runners at these sorts of things. I have NO discernable flair, nor charm, nor grace when running.   Yes, I do run, but in my MIND, I see myself more akin to a lumbering old coot, who probably looks like he just staggered out of the drunk tank from an episode of Gunsmoke... or perhaps even worse.... looks as hyperkinetic and herky-jerky as Don Knotts when he would portray Barnie Fife on the "Andy Griffith Show".  Then, if I think deeper..... and think about the fact that I indulge in a cigar once a week at the "Retiree's Cigar Group" and hell, I had a pipe (that was beyond amazing) just a while ago too.... I feel even more fraudulent to call myself a "runner".  

So, I probably WILL sign up for this run.... before the deadline approaches in a couple of weeks so I can get a t-shirt.  I will do this when my son and I can do so together on the computer.  But, the RUN itself will very possibly be less of an effort than will be the mental wrestling I will be doing with myself leading up the the day of the race.  Very possibly that mental wrestling will ultimately be more taxing than the run itself.   Believe me, I do KNOW these thoughts are STUPID.  But, I also do know I will and do feel them and do not know of any way to turn them "off".  

But, if I do the race, I will get a race t-shirt as a sort of "trophy".  That fact may help keep me wrestling THROUGH all these negative thoughts and actually do the damn race.    

PipeTobacco 

The Leave 10 (Final One)

I am sure you will be happy to know this will be my final "The Leave X" post and I will be "returning to regularly scheduled programing" after this point.  Here, I have decided to wrap up the adventure with a smattering of odds-and-ends that were not key players in the trip, but are still (in my mind at least) worth my jotting down to remember:

• It was so VERY pleasant to see my beloved pup upon returning home.  I had so worried about her.  It gave me a lot of joy to see her wagging tail.
• As you may recall, INSECTS are definitely not my "thing".  I especially hate ants..... but truth be told... other than fruit flies and honeybees which I do (have) (currently for fruit flies (or have previously in terms of bees)) work(ed) with.... I generally do  not like insects.  So IMMEDIATELY upon return home, the first thing I did (and always do upon return) is to put our luggage out on the front porch.  I then brought out two garbage bags and began to sort... one for dirty clothes that need washing, and a second for clothes that are clean and do not need washing. The dirty clothes are immediately put into the washing machine (or if there is more than one load, kept in the garbage bag on the front porch until available space is in the machine).  The clean clothes are shaken, hard.... multiple times... OUTSIDE in case an errant insect might be lurking... and once I feel (reasonably) confident there are no pests,  they are returned to their closets/drawers.  Returning toiletries are then inspected and when deemed "safe" are returned into the bathroom. Gifts, do-dads, trinkets, etc. are then inspected and sorted and when deemed "safe" are brought into the house.  Work related items (computer, papers, conference books etc) are inspected and sorted and when deemed "safe" then put into the trunks of the appropriate vehicle(s).  Then the actual luggage is taken down to the end of the driveway and while open, each is shaken like hell to try to dislodge any potential critters and then returned open to the front porch for a day or two.
• Now, the reality is I do not EVER recall staying in ANY place that had NOTICIBLE insects in our rooms.... but I feel the above is a good added safety measure to TRY to not have migrated any errant insect from some distant place into our abode.  
• Then, a very nice, cleansing shower is the next order of the moment.
  

  Some other odds and ends of the trip itself:

• It is common to be "badgered" upon arrival (especially in the big city we were in) by the Concierge's Assistant to sign up for a "special offer".  We have never done this in the past, but, the promise of a free pair of tickets to a show (typically costing ~$200 for the two of us), had my wife and I decide to try it out.  
• The reality is, I KNEW to get the tickets, there would be a very "HARD SELL" session to buy into some sort of "time share" situation associated with the conglomerate hotel.  But, I also know that I CAN be STUBBORN AS HELL about getting talked into sales pitches.  
• So, we scheduled the very earliest "sell session" at the very earliest time we could and went.  We saw the presentation, which was to buy timeshare in "luxury hotels globally" for a set price.  I will not elaborate on the details other than their original pitch was for us to spend "$154,000" (plus a yearly into perpetuity $3500 "maintenance fee") for the privilege of these spaces.  My answer through each of the four different tiers of salespeople who came to hard sell us was a variation on "Well, it does sound wonderful, but I really do not feel comfortable acting rashly nor on the spur of the moment.  May I get some literature from you... so that I may contemplate this for several days and get back with you?"  My wife, who is much easier to convince, promised me as we navigated, that she wanted me to handle this whole task... because she knows she is a somewhat easy "mark" for salespeople.  Eventually, the fourth salesperson (a supposed "head honcho" in the company.... but he had a "peachfuzz" scruff of beard on his young face) had us down to a deal of approximately "$15,000" plus (roughly) a ~$1,000 maintenance fee for nearly the same product. My reply was the same refrain as listed above. Finally, they gave up..... BUT we DID get our gift!  One evening we were able to see "Mrs. Doubtfire - The Musical" at one of the venues.  My wife and I were debating between that show or watching Penn and Teller.  We felt a musical would be more enjoyable, and it was very good.  But... I do not think I would purposefully try the adventure of this type of "hard sell" tactic again.... it was very tiresome.  I unfortunately know they promise the moon and the stars.... but their realities are vastly different.  And, I do not like to spend money unwisely.
• I think there must not be too many folks in Nevada who sport a bigger, bushy beard like mine is currently.  Over the course of the trip, I truthfully had ~15-18 different folks COMPLEMENT me on my beard in one way or another.  Most were just a "Great beard!" kind of comment.  But, three of the more noteworthy of the comments included, "You're Rockin' a Great Santa!", and a second fellow who had a dark beard that was shorter wanted to "fist bump" me as he called me "Beard Bro!", and late one evening when we were walking back, a young kid (perhaps ~20 or 21) came up and hugged me saying he "wanted to have a beard like that someday".  Overall it was rather odd, but flattering. 
• One evening, because of the heat, we did not feel like traipsing about, and decided to eat and relax in our hotel room and then swim in the late evening.  On that evening, there was a wonderful (and by appearances, brand new) pizza place nearby our hotel that we decided to try.  They specialized in sourdough pizzas that were baked in a fire-oven.  It was also here that in addition to the extremely delightful pizza (with lots of whole, fresh basil leaves on top), my wife had a most gorgeous and enormous "house" salad that was an amazing sort of "chef's salad"...  and I was able to have a delightfully amazing and enormous arugula salad!  I really love arugula, but have never had a salad with ALL the greens consisting OF ONLY arugula.  It was absolutely amazing. We SO enjoyed the place.... that two days later, when it took us too much time to get TO the venue for "Mrs. Doubtfire" to have dinner before hand.... we decided to again have the exact same pizza and salads as a very late night dinner when we eventually ambled home from "Mrs. Doubtfire".   

PipeTobacco

Addendum.... I almost forgot to mention..... I also was able to attend yesterday, the Retiree's Cigar Group..... like I also did (and think I mentioned at the time) last week as well.  Both days were great. Yesterday was an extremely pleasant, fun time talking with the guys.   I am quite glad my friend from Mass got me involved with the group.    

The Leave 9

With out flight CANCELLED, which neither my wife nor I have ever experienced before, we did not really know what to do.... nor what would happen with our luggage.   We were exhausted and devastated. 

So, we decided to go to the ticket counter, but the one at the gate had closed for the night. Ultimately we were directed to go to the actual ticket area where you CHECK IN upon getting to the airport to take your flight.  This meant we had left the "TSA" approved zone.

We ended up standing in a line for roughly two hours and we were told that the first guaranteed flight we could get onto would be THREE DAYS LATER as all the other flights were FULLY BOOKED.   We asked to be put on "STANDBY" for any of the earlier flights.  And, because this was a "weather related delay/cancellation" the airline did not have to offer a hotel room or anything...... and they DID NOT do so.  We also asked about our luggage, and were told that IF we were to take a flight with this airline, the bags would continue on their way with that flight.  However, if we were to try some other airline or some other way to get home, we would have to file a release form to get our luggage, which typically would take ~24 hours (or so they said).  

We were exhausted, but had no idea what to do.  We thought, perhaps we could rent a car and drive the many hours home...... it would at least be a helluva lot shorter than three days.  

But, when we tried to get a rental car..... because the chaos at Chicago O'Hare had been percolating all day long.... there was NOT a single car available in the vicinity to rent, nor any available hotel accommodations near the airport.  

To top it off, besides the huge number of folks in the airport.... because we left the "TSA Approved Zone".... while we were in line, the TSA CLOSED for the night, and would not reopen until 4:00am.  We were stuck in the entry zone to Chicago O'Hare.  That area is comprised of HARD linoleum-style flooring.... not even the thin business carpeting that blankets most areas that are not walkways in the TSA Approved Zone.  

We milled around and around until we could find one open seat (a stool, not a chair), and my wife sat on it, and tried the charger on the table by the stool (for her phone), but it did not function.  I took the phone and cord, and walked around until I could find and sit by a wall plug, which was right next to a vending machine and plugged her phone in and sat on the floor.  After about an half an hour, her phone had enough charge to be in the green zone, so I unplugged it and went back to her.  She had leaned her head onto the table and was trying to rest as she sat on the stool.  I really did not care anymore, and I ended up laying on the floor next to her, using my backpack as a "sort of" pillow, tipped my hat across my eyes to obscure the fluorescent lighting, and tried to rest/sleep. 

I had my alarm set for 4am.  When it clattered, my wife and I got up and proceeded to carry our stuff down the very long distance to the entry point for TSA checking.  We got into line (there were perhaps ~150 people ahead of us), and the TSA folks were rather slow to get started, putting up barriers, starting and restarting machines, all sorts of general early morning work they have to do BEFORE letting people in to be scanned and evaluated.

Eventually, we worked our way back INTO the TSA Approved Zone of Chicago O'Hare, and then we began to try to find the first gate that had a flight to our region that was with our airline.  When we got to that gate, we had to work to make sure that we WERE on the standby list.  And then we waited.

This first standby flight did not pan out.  We could not get on.

Same thing with the second flight.  It ended up letting TWO people on, but we were not at the top two of the queue.  

The third flight, very late in the late afternoon/early evening.... I was actually rather "out of it" mentally by that time, but I could see from the electronic readout that we were THIRD and FOURTH in line for standby on this flight.... it was not a good feeling.   But, suddenly one standby person's name turned green on the list..... and that fellow was accepted about 20 minutes before boarding, then a second one about 10 minutes before boarding.  Then nothing.... further, until boarding began.

As people started to board, suddenly on the overhead monitor... BOTH my and my wife's name suddenly turned GREEN!!!!!  I actually started to cry literal tears of joy.  

It took a long while for boarding, but it was so wonderful to each have a seat.  We eventually took off, completed this leg of the flight, arrived at the airport...... and OUR LUGGAGE made it too!!!!  We eventually got out of our home airport and found my wife's car, and we drove the ~50 minutes home.

This was by far, the most difficult and challenging flight I have ever taken, but finally... we were home.

PipeTobacco

The Leave 8

My wife is not particularly fond of air travel.  And, with the way airports have gotten, especially with the claustrophobic and sardine style seating, but also with regards to the heightened security since TSA became necessary in 2001.... I tend to feel that flying may get you THERE a bit faster, but you will actually be more tired and exhausted than other means of travel.  

Our flights home (we had connecting flights), unfortunately did not go smoothly. Our connecting flight was from Chicago O'Hare.  Chicago O'Hare is, of course, one of the largest HUBS in the US and handles ~2,500 flights EACH DAY.  

On the day of our returning home, unfortunately very rough, stormy weather was traveling through the Chicago region.  And, these storms lasted a good portion of the day, and included very harsh thunderstorms, high winds, and even the threat of tornados (I think the only tornado to touch down, though ended up being in Mid-Wisconsin.... but then again, I was not really privy to news during this time, so there may have been many others within the Midwest on that day.)

With such weather, at an airport handling ~2,500 flights EACH DAY, this can and does lead to a whole helluva lot of chaos.  Here is how it transpired for us:

1.  We arrived at the Nevada airport 2.5 hours before our VERY early morning flight scheduled to leave around ~7:00am-ish (and my wife is very firm about arriving well ahead of the 2 hour ahead suggestion so it was VERY early), worked through check-in, TSA stuff, and were sitting near our gate for about 2 hours.... before notification was given over the loudspeaker system that our flight was "delayed" by an hour due to conditions in Chicago.  

2.  The one hour "delay" then moved to two hours.... then to three.  Ultimately, we then boarded the plane and then taxied towards the runway....... and then before being given clearance to "take off", we STOPPED.... and waited roughly an hour.... before we were informed that due to the chaos at Chicago, our "landing spot and time" and been transferred to some OTHER flight that too had been considerably delayed.... and we taxied back to the Nevada terminal.  

3.  After about 14 hours from our start of airporting.... we did receive new clearance that our flight could be accepted, and ultimately we left sometime boarded again roughly around 7:30pm to fly to Chicago.  My wife and I cheered, and happily boarded the plane.... and cheered further when we receivd a text (well, my WIFE received the text) from our airline, saying that our second leg flight TO HOME had also been delayed all day long and that it was now scheduled to take off from CHICAGO to home at ~1:00 am (which is of course the next morning after midnight).  

4.  We were truly overjoyed at the thought of getting back home, even though it would be perhaps somewhere possibly between 3 am and 5 am in the morning.

5.  So, as our phones were shut off, we were EXHAUSTED from airport sitting.... but also optimistic about getting home.

6.  Our plane landed in Chicago roughly around ~12:30am and we were anxiously getting prepared to hoof as fast as we could to whatever damn gate we would ultimately be assigned to.  

7.  Upon landing while taxi-ing into our gate my wife turned her phone back on...... and a text appeared.... due to logistical issues, our connecting flight had been officially CANCELLED... and we were urged to see the ticket counter to rebook a flight.

We were devastated, and then as we disembarked into the terminal..... it was like a scene from Soylent Green....... literally thousands of folks were stranded at Chicago O'Hare.  

PipeTobacco