Continued Movement Towards Normalcy

Even though I am still extremely busy with lots of extra meetings to help my researchers practice, I am continuing to NOW see and feel a sense of movement towards a return to normalcy for me.... in that I at least have a FEW open holes of time where I HAVE autonomy to do normal things.

I appreciated the encouragement about the pipes from comments yesterday.  It felt happy to at least consider allowing myself to indulge in the beautiful respite.  And in fact, just the considering of doing so added to my actual feelings of joy yesterday.  And, in truth, I almost did allow myself to indulge.   But, ultimately, I did not..... because I felt I did not have a sufficient window of autonomous time to do so..... to be able to extract its joys fully.   But, swimming with my wife was glorious.  And, going to dinner with my wife felt so wonderful too!   

And, with the return to some autonomy, I am also extremely happy to report that NONE of my researchers selected times to meet with me during the normal time I try to in this semester, get to the Retiree's Cigar Group, albeit late.  So, I am buoyed by the prospect that it appears I can try to wedge in that camaraderie tomorrow, and (keeping fingers crossed) there may be at least one or two of my friends who are straggling a bit and I can chat and carouse with them for a while, before heading back to do some evening meetings with the Conference and a few of my researchers.  These meetings, ahead of the start of the conference are all Zoomy meetings, so that is nice too....they feel very containable (or perhaps constrainable would be a better word) and not open ended.

If (as hoped) the meetings and presentations at the actual conference in a couple of days does go well..... I may be so ebulent by the end of the day of a complete return to anticipated normalcy, that I may allow myself to indulge in one..... perhaps TWO IPAs as a celebration.  And, perhaps..... just perhaps.... a beloved pipe.  

PipeTobacco

Wranglin' In

 Almost a sense of euphoria.

I just completed expounding the fifth hour of my extremely large lecturing day.  I also have reached a modicum of success in wrangling in Moby Dick, my nemesis and/or friend... depending on how you view it.  To use another fractured metaphor, I have gotten the noose of my rope around the heifer's neck and wrestled and rustled it to the ground in some semblance of submission. 

After working most every day since Friday until 2am or 3am, I am MORE THAN dead-dog tired,  but, I believe I have reached a point of regaining a small slice of my autonomy.

With all the shifting and shuffling I have done in the last week, but especially since last Friday, my time was not my own.  I moved everything I could to accommodate all my novice researchers (and some less-than-novice researchers too because they also are soon presenting).  This meant that other than my classes, every damn moment was fair game.  And this then necessitated my late nights to 2am or 3am to maintain some level of order in my own, non-lecture work..... grading, writing, reading papers, making exams, etc. And (of course) helping my wife, and cleaning, and taking care of the dog and cat, and getting all manner of chores around the house done as well.  

But other than the remaining 7 or 8 scheduled half hours blocks I have had the researchers sign up for... today, tomorrow, and Thursday.... my autonomy now can inflow back into me and begin to rejuvenate my mushy mind, my achy body, and my warfarin-level of a bruised spirit.

Everything is pretty much as "done" as I can make it in terms of helping the researchers.  Every meeting associated with their final run-throughs is set.  Everything related my Executive Committee work with this regional conference is also set. And, of course all my lectures are set.   Any holes or gaps that now exist in my schedule are NOW MY OWN.... to do damn well what I please.  I believe this return to a start of some normalcy may begin at 5:00pm today.

I believe I will be able to swimming with my wife.

I believe she and I will will be able to go out to eat afterwards.

I believe I may even be able to watch a bit of television tonight.

I also suspect that if I were to grant myself the option to indulge in a pipe this evening, my almost sense of euphoria would likely expand beyond euphoria and in my exhausted beyond measure state... I would find myself splayed across the living room carpet in an exhausted, rather gelatinous, morphological  bliss of a sorts I remember feeling one time, so long ago.  It was in the early afternoon on the day I defended my doctoral dissertation.  I remember how keyed up and exhausted I was culminating in pressures building to a pinnacle at the start of the defense.  When it was done, and I was granted the signatures showing I had succeeded, I could feel the emotions and worries drain out of my exhausted body.  I went back to my apartment, sat on the couch, and filled the bowl of my pipe with non-aromatic Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco (a rugged, long-standing favorite).  As I sat there, smoking, the strength impacted me more than typical because of my shear exhaustion and the long pent-up stresses being released and I sat down upon the carpet... then I laid down upon the carpet, smoking my pipe... and living in the shear experience itself.... allowing my mind to process the events of that day.  It was the pipe helping me to convert the horror and worry of the morning into a blissful regaining of myself ... my autonomy.... after the events had righted themselves at the defense's conclusion.  

Today, it feels I would feel it similarly if I were to venture forth with it.

PipeTobacco

  

Work

I am doing ok.

I have been working pretty much all Friday, Saturday, and Sunday helping my six different novice undergraduates prepare for their upcoming talks, and this work will further continue much of this week.

It is, what it is.  It is valuable for these students, and I truly do like to help them and mentor them in this way.  I even appreciate the "hand-holding" efforts I need for the students in their novice efforts too.  I do serve as a valuable mentor to all my undergraduate and graduate researchers.... and that is a good thing to be.  I often refer to "hand-holding" some, and when I say this, I am more meaning that these particular students NEED EXTRA effort and support beyond typical mentoring... and this is usually more related to their being "novice", meaning it is their FIRST foray into the "real science" world.... not book learning, but now the “hand holding” is needed the first time they attempt to put together a presentation of real work in research leading to the discovery of something new, scientifically…. and the hand holding is needed in regards to preparing them for their FIRST legitimate PRESENTATION.  There is, of course, the whole array of facets of the nuts-and-bolts of science research, but the hand holding moves more beyond that into "sociopolitical concerns", "weaving of a cohesive story" (I tell them they are becoming true story-tellers.... communicators.... in this effort) and "psychological" as well, as they navigate through their worries, concerns, and fears of presenting.

For me, the parts of this mentoring and hand holding effort that I "carp" about, that drains my soul, and make me feel disgruntlement and despair at times.... is NOT the mentoring, nor is it the more intensive "hand-holding".  Instead, it is fully a result of the loss of autonomy I experience at these times.  My schedule is not so much my own during these times, as no matter HOW DILIGENTLY I try to have these undergraduates preplan, and prepare..... 100% of the time, it is inevitable, that schedule changes and timings changes, and unexpected delays... will occur.... sometimes due to the critters we are studying.... sometimes due to the critters who are DOING the research.... and I have to adapt, and open up my own schedule and divert my own needs, times, desires, and hopes during that time.... to HELP THEM and ACCOMODATE these ambiguities.   IT IS THIS LOSS OF AUTONOMY for myself, that dredges up the emotions of sadness, discontent, and rancor that I feel.  And, after these many decades.... I must and need to better accept...... that this IS how the process works.  It always works this way.  

I am thinking after the event this weekend, my life will again restructure to where I do have autonomy, and I fully suspect, like usual, that I will feel a sense of euphoria.... dare I say, longer term…. joy..... at regaining my autonomy.  

I continue to sleep well, with my dreams and memories of pipes, and in memories of my camaraderie with the fellows in the RCG. Dreams do help in the late night.  But, I sure as hell miss my pipes in the daylight.

My wife's physical therapy is seeming to help quite well so far, and I am very pleased that she is regaining considerable mobility.  That, at least, is a very, very, very strong positive.  

PipeTobacco

The Retirement Pipe Dream

Over the course of the last few days, I began to allow myself to daydream of what would be my prescribed fantasy retirement.  Here are bulleted excerpts of what would be my most beloved current dream:

• My wife and I would both be in decent health.
• We would sell our home and move somewhere where the COLDEST it would normally get would be in the dead of Winter perhaps just reaching the point of freezing, but that the "cold" would last perhaps 4-6 weeks at most and we might get occasional dustings of snow, if any.  Beyond that 4-6 week period, the routine temperatures would at lowest be in the 40s (or 50s) and most of the year would probably be somewhere in the 60s - 90s.  
• If we could move to somewhere that was ALWAYS above freezing, that would be a bonus feature.
• We would want to live in a city/town/community that would have at least some diverse, ethnic food.... at minimum there would need to at least be an (Eastern) Indian restaurant.  Other cuisines could vary, but preferred options would especially be great to include Ethiopian, Thai, Japanese, and Mexican or Tex-Mex, and although not "ethnic" a vegan restaurant would also be fun.  I am truly indifferent about Chinese food, although my wife would probably include it as an option as well.... I might be more enthused about Chinese food if it includes Dim Sum.... but even then, I am a bit indifferent.  
• In the best case scenario dream, we would buy an inexpensive 3-bedroom condo on as high a floor as we could comfortably afford.  A two-bedroom would suffice, but three would be better so we could have two rooms for various projects (an office/computer space, and a music/craft space.... one of which could serve as a guest room when needed/desired with either a Murphy bed (ideal) or a fold-out sofa.  
• It would be wonderful/ideal if the parish we migrate to (of course, a Catholic Church) is vibrant and active.... and is nearby where we live (walking distance would be extremely wonderful).  If it is a parish with a Capuchin/Franciscan flavor towards the teachings and philosophy of the RCC faith..... all the more wonderful.  
• It would be absolutely wonderful if the condominium complex had a pool and possibly a small gym/fitness area... but if not... hopefully a nearby community college or other nearby college might have a pool and fitness center we could navigate to easily.  
• Of course, we would want our pet dog and cat with us.... but if they unfortunately pass.... I would (after necessary grieving time) like us to find a young golden-doodle puppy (hopefully medium sized... maybe 30-40 pounds) and a short-haired, orange tabby cat (such as "Morris" from the old cat food commercials).  
• I would like to hope where our condo is, that the community has a community wind band I could join to continue to play my bass clarinet and/or tenor sax.  
• I would like to hope that a nearby college may hire me as an adjunct professor where I could teach ONE A & P course a semester.  Ideally, the size of this course would be CONSIDERABLY smaller than the ~125 students per class I currently teach.
• I would hope there is a tobacco shop nearby in the community.  I would like to envision first incorporating myself into their community to become a sort-of "Cliff" or "Norm" type regular (which one of the two characters I would be more like is anyone's guess.... although I probably lean a bit more "Cliff"-like, regrettably).  Ultimately, it would be a shear delight if the shopkeep might... after some time of getting to know me, might offer me to "man the shop" for a couple of hours a week.  That would be exceedingly fun, I believe.  
• Depending upon our finances, it would be a delight to plan with my wife... a variety of traveling excursions.  I am hoping for possibly going on a cruise (leaning toward the Caribbean region), potentially flying to Europe, traveling to the desert Southwest and/or Mexico
• I would also greatly appreciate if the community we fall into has a large, pleasant, public library and an art museum.... and if both could be in comfortable walking distance from our condo.... that would be a big bonus.  

Hah!  Nothing like wanting perfection, I suppose.  But, hell, what are DREAMS meant to be, if not the best to hope for?  

PipeTobacco

Not as Much Eeyore

 

I am not as much of an "Eeyore" today as I was yesterday.  I am still not "up-to-snuff" where I would like to be emotionally, but I have been able to reason through and accept that I am in the midst of a reliably and damnably emotionally difficult time of the year for me.  The perspective that much of this is ROUTINE at first thought is damn depressing, but it also ends up being a bit of a "comfort" as it were.... in that I can recognize that it SHOULD EVENTUALLY PASS.  

The bad....

• This one meeting that specializes in being a great, first "stepping stone" venue for UNDERGRADUTE students to present research at always falls in March.  And, no matter how hard I try to make this process smoother for ME and for my UNDERGRADUATES who are novices.... it is always the same challenge filled with very late nights of number crunching, hand-holding, and a lot damn work that always happens at the last possible minute.  I get it.  I really do.... it is part and parcel of the undergraduate experience.  They are trying their damndest to get things done appropriately and timely, but all manner of situations regularly befall them to keep it consistently something that needs LOTS OF LAST MINUTE support from me.  I truly love working with them to help them grow, but this array of late-night March days in the last two weeks before the conference saps joy from my soul.  But, I keep trying to focus on how my guidance helps them to become more of whom they want to be.  It is far easier for me with regard to my GRADUATE students, and hell, even for the seasoned undergraduates.   
• The weather.... in my neck of the woods it is usually still typically "horse dung"-like all through this month and even into April in many years.  My body no longer wants nor enjoys the cold, the fight against snow, the bitter winds that chap and chafe my hands, my face.  
• The deaths... when I look back on it, of the historical context of loved ones who have died, and I miss greatly..... I am estimating that at least 50%, perhaps as much as 60% have passed away in the wretched month of March.   The thoughts, the memories of the harshnesses of passing SO FREQUENTLY in this damn month flavor my mind like a bitter pill.

The above churn in my mind and weaken my spirit so regularly this time of year, I would think I would more readily recognize this pattern.  But, every year, it captures me off-guard.  

I am just trying to ACCEPT getting through this month is hard, and to try to focus on better times that will hopefully come.  It is my fate and my lot at the moment, and yet at least trying to focus beyond it to a future happier time is my effort at the moment.  

The one "relatively" consistent positive I have mostly maintained is going to the Retiree's Cigar Group each Thursday.  I have persisted in working to the best of my ability to not allow things to infiltrate that and have me push it aside.  Yes, I am OFTEN late (necessity ~1/2 the year because of teaching schedule), sometimes extremely late..... but I have only MISSED going a few times (during the crisis parts of my wife's knee challenge).  

My maintenance of going to the Retiree's Cigar Group is a positive, I believe for me.  While I have an awfully close to ABSOLUTE consistency with attending Mass (I do not believe I have missed any weekly Mass nor Feast Day Mass since Covid closures, and I believe it was several years before Covid that I missed a Mass due to extreme illness), the Retiree's Cigar Group is NOT of a REAL importance in my life like Mass truly is.... but the RCG is a MEANINGFUL experience for me, and when I do not go, I do feel the loss.  

So, I am hopeful that I will again go today..... I hope so.

And, I am better coping with and resigned to the harshness that is going to continue for another week... with the help of me focusing on the potential for a better future.

PipeTobacco

Tired

This has been a very emotionally exhausting morning.  Nothing new (in a bad OR good way) has happened.  I am just feeling emotionally overwhelmed by most everything. I do not want to do ANYTHING other than sleep, where I can have dreams and memories of good things.

It may be the time of the semester, or it may be the time of the year (March is the month where a sizable majority of deaths of family and friends has occurred over the years..... my Dad, my Mom, several uncles and aunts, pets, at least three friends.).  I do not want to work today.  I feel spent up and used regarding teaching today. The same, if not more is how I feel about research today.

But, if/when I eventually do retire, who am I then?  I do not really know.  It frightens me.  Will I have any identity?  Who am I now, though?  Does it matter if I transition from nothing to a retired nothing?  

This is about all I can muster up to write today.

PipeTobacco

Brown Fedora

I am sporting a new, brown fedora today.  It goes rather well with my very similarly colored corduroy sport coat this morning.   I only wear fedoras during very cold weather as they "feel" wintery to my manner of thinking.  I have two other brown fedoras, but each is a variation of a mild plaid color.  The one shown is solid in color, and I have looked for one for a while.  It especially reminds me of a cherished uncle of mine. My Uncle Chester was a shorter fellow, perhaps 5' 6", but he always seemed "larger-than-life" to me.  I also thought he had an exceptionally great first name (His full name was the rather cool sounding….. Chester, even though we typically called him “Uncle Chet”).  And   I remember as a young kid, he would ALWAYS wear hats, and very frequently they would be fedoras, often with a tiny tuft of a feather in the band.  He also sported a bushy mustache.  

My fedora does not have a feather, though, because it seems somewhat superfluous in this day-and-age..... but hell, most would think a fedora is rather superfluous anyway.... but I digress. 

In more pleasant weather, I typically wear to most places a snap-brimmed cap.  Or, when I feel very casual, I may wear a baseball cap.  

My uncle was also a pipe smoker like most of the males in my heritage.  Wearing my new fedora today,, I can almost sense the whiskey infused pipe tobacco he tended to prefer.  I miss him and his colorful stories.  He had a wry, pleasantly bombastic personality, and he was in many regards an additional father figure for me.  

I would very much like to write A LOT today, and relive pleasant times and pleasant memories.  But, I am under the gun with a whole helluva lot of deadlines looming, and I need to try to work through some of them to reduce stress as best as a I can.

PipeTobacco