Modest Updates

No, I am not wearing more clothes (a joke.. about the title of this post).

(again.... continuing my thoughts that I could not fully flesh out Monday and Tuesday due to work related needs)

So, back to Mass last Saturday, our priest in his Homily was talking about the role and use and value of silence in helping one to really hear (be it faith, or purpose, or contentedness, or most any positive you can think of) and this really rang as true to me (hah, even my attempt at a descriptive colloquialism references noise (sigh)).  The homily inspired me in several ways I am attempting to enact to help me re-FIND my calmer "center".  Some changes, hell... most of the changes.... are modest, but I believe they can and will be helpful.  Interestingly, they also were also envisioned by me to begin this morning.... it just took me this long to get to the point to reveal them here as I enact them:

• I am taking a prescribed, atypical approach to eating for the remainder of this week (Wednesday through Saturday).  My goal is to "de-emphasize" my fixation on foods because I have been feeling rather sluggish and "overstuffed" with eating during the last few weeks.  This has crept up on me without recognizing this.  There really has not been a change in my healthy eating, but I am finding that what I am eating is more just something to DO and not something to APPRECIATE and ENJOY.    So, during this period I am going to NOT eat any food from waking until dinner (as a "cleanser" of sorts) and at dinner, I am to have a simpler, ~1/2 sized portion of my typical dinner.  Both the "simpler" and smaller version is to help me better appreciate foods more, and to appreciate foods in less elaborate forms. And, I will also allow myself a ~1/2 sized bowl of gently salted popcorn.  I believe this four day "semi-fast" will reset my enjoyment and appreciation of food when I resume unrestricted food consumption on Sunday.  I have done something similar to this once or twice in the past and have found that I can usually obtain a persistently greater appreciation and enjoyment of food and also a greater awareness of my feelings of "fullness" which also tends to lead me to consume somewhat smaller portions as well.
• I am taking a prescribed, alternative approach to beverages as well.  I am allowing myself one morning iced coffee.  But, where typically I make my large iced coffee either fully caffeinated or 1/2 caffeinated and 1/2 decaffeinated....  and occasionally add flavorants (sugar free hazelnut, sugar free caramel, sugar free vanilla, etc).... during this period I will purposefully only have decaffeinated iced coffee and always during this period have NO added flavorings.  And, in terms of my very favorite diet Dr. Pepper, I will, during this time, allow myself only one diet Dr. Pepper in the evening.  Everything else I drink will be iced water.  By limiting my "flavored" drinks across the day to a beginning plain iced coffee and ending with a diet Dr. Pepper..... most of my fluid intake will be water.  I believe this will help "reawaken" my appreciation of the flavors inherent in my beverages and not be simply "seeking" any of the various flavors I like to experience across the day.  It will be a "cleansing" of my palate to a degree.  And, when I return to more varied beverages on Sunday I will be more cognizant of the full range of the flavors of my beverages.  
• And, my damn gizmo phone..... UNFORTUNATELY, I cannot simply cast my phone aside (like in many ways I would like to do).  With the damnable multifactor authentication (MFA), I am regretably STUCK with having to carry the damn thing around with me everywhere at the U.  But, what I am beginning today.... and this is HOPEFULLY LONG TERM (not ending on Sunday like the above other items).... my "unrestricted" gizmo phone use will ONLY be for two items...... a) damnable MFA needs, since I have no alternative and have to use this, and b) Pandora music when I am running.  ALL OTHER USE (e-mail, social media things, Internet exploration, etc) will be restricted to FOUR, ten-minute periods of the day).  Obviously, though, I will still use the gizmo phone as a PHONE to talk to folks on.... but I do not do that particularly often, and my wife is my primary phone friend.   I am also trying to have my wife help me figure out how to TURN OFF most of the damnable "dings" and "beeps" and "boops" the gizmo phone is constantly making.  I am hoping by the weekend to have sounds restricted to a) a phone ringtone that is specific for my wife, and b) a phone ringtone for any other phone call..... NO OTHER SOUNDS.  That would be the way I would like my damn gizmo phone to behave for me.  I do not NEED to hear any of the other nonsense, and I think those SOUNDS are especially problematic in terms of creating in me that dopamanergic cycling that I so want to shut down.  

With the above I think I will be able to better HEAR the silence around me and will have a greater appreciation of a lot of facets of life.  

PipeTobacco

Continuation

From where I left off yesterday....

Additionally, I had been reading and hearing MORE reports about the significant role that gizmo "smartphones" can have as "dopamine pumps" providing constant, unpredictable rewards that trigger dopamine release in the brain's reward circuit, specifically the nucleus accumbens.  These gizmo phones in many ways are akin to the lever pressing bars of traditional Skinner Boxes for rats.  

The nucleus accumbens is a key brain region acting as a reverberating circuit designed to facilitate motivation, primarily by regulating reward processing, reinforcement learning, and goal-directed behaviors. It processes pleasurable stimuli and is heavily implicated in addiction, motivation, and Pavlovian learning.

Now, do not get me wrong, dopamine is a critical, important neurochemical. Dopaminergic neurons all over the central nervous system are going to release and/or respond to dopamine, acting as a chemical messenger in the brain for movement, reward, motivation, and cognition as well as what I mentioned more specifically for just the nucleus accumbens.  

But, unfortunately, the "Skinner Box-like" qualities of the gizmo "smartphone" creates an addictive, compulsive loop associated with the nucleus accumbens where users can become habituated to frequently check devices for "hits," leading to reduced impulse control, and decreased overall baseline dopamine levels.  This in turn can lead to the development of increased anxiety or depression.

So, here is the rub..... I, without realizing, have over time (especially the last year to year and a half), become like a Skinner rat myself.  It was NOT intentional.  BUT, the U actually facilitated this happening to me.  Here is how:

Damnable MULTIFACTOR AUTHENTICATION is a huge factor in this transformation for me.  If you are not familiar with multifactor authentication (MFA), it is a gizmo system many places (including the U) have activated that REQUIRE you to have multiple "ways" to "prove" who you are to computers, electronic door locks, shared printers, classroom podiums, and a whole helluva lot more. This extends what you have to do to get into a system beyond typing in a password (although this is still step number 1).  The most common method of multifactor authentication at the U involves typing one OR more codes into an app on your gizmo phone.  These codes are relayed to you when you try to use one of the devices listed above, and you only have between 15 and 30 seconds to enter the damn code(s) or you get locked out for a period of time before you can try again.  In the classroom this can be debilitating if you MISS the Pavlovian “ding” of the MFA or are too slow in responding to its demands because you are then locked out of the podium’s projector system (to show slides) until the reset happens and you have to try again.  This has changed my behavior to CONSTANTLY having my damn gizmo phone at arms length at ALL times.  I used to not care where or when I had my phone, and mostly ignored the damn thing.  

Now that I am a "slave" of sorts to the multifactor authentication gods, this lead sneakily into my often thinking "Well, hell, since my phone is here, since it is open, I might as well look at some things." Additionally, now that I have my phone with me at every minute of the day, I hear every ding and beep it makes, further "guiding" me to pick it up to see what the hell just happened. 

And, I despise this impact of required gizmo phone attachment. 

Hell, I am NOT opposed to dopamine per se.  The nicotine in my beloved pipe tobaccos also stimulate SOME specific dopaminergic circuits.... but, beautiful pipe tobacco provides a more nuanced and beautiful impact than simply punching the nucleus accumbens.  Pipe tobacco is a wholly different beast.

So, I am developing/activating a plan of sorts,  But, I am out of time again, and have to run to a final exam.  More (probably) tomorrow.  

PipeTobacco

Awakenings of a Sort

It has been a rather enlightening past few days, and I am still sorting through a lot of the ideas this has stimulated in my mind.  A synopsis of some of the experiences, ideas, information I have had/received:

• On Thursday, late afternoon, after I finished my last "big voicing" lecture of the semester, I headed to the shoppe as my routine for Thursday.  It was so late in the afternoon, that I did not think I would be fortunate enough to find any of my friends there.  I was correct.  But, I did enjoy whiling away some time there.  I indulged in a house brand cigar I had never had previously and read more of my "Hidden Valley Road" book.  I had also brought with me a binder with copies of my introductory course documents (syllabi, etc) from my May course of last year, so I could work through (with pen) updates to the documents and especially date changes.   It was incredibly peaceful, sitting in a comfortable chair upstairs, by an open, sunny window... with it being ~60 degrees.  Although the cigar was NOT a pipe, and was not the shear beauty of a pipe... it was pleasant, and the work and reading I did felt centering and relaxing.  I felt wonderfully peaceful and relaxed as I sat, accomplished work, and read the captivating book.  It felt so "normal" of a way to feel.  It is how I often did feel much of the time, years ago..... most days.  
• I left roughly ~3 hours later to meet with my wife for a swim and we had a delightful time, and then went home to fix dinner.  The entirety of the evening also felt calming, centering, and very relaxing.  Just wonderful.
• Friday was a busy day, but I divided my time to having half of my work day be at the U and half be at home in my office.  The business, however, was NOT aggravating nor taxing.  It was just simply work, and work that I needed to get done.  Again, it was tranquil and not taxing.  
• On Friday evening we drove and met up with two of my sisters and their husbands and went to dinner together at a specialty pizza joint we all tend to appreciate.  We try to get together once every month or so just to socialize together... just the six of us.  The pizza was good, and special as always.  And, they had Two Hearted IPA on tap, which I was happy about.  
• Saturday was the "U Extravaganza" and it was a great experience too....my six researchers all did a very nice, professional job with their presentations, and it was enjoyable walking around seeing what kids from different professors and different departments have been up to.  I admit I felt a bit of "small talk" overload, as it is not my forte, but it did feel good there.  
• Then...... my wife and I went to Mass on Saturday night.  And, this is were I heard, within part of our priest's Homily, ideas that gelled with me and resonated very, deeply and strongly.  More of that in a moment.
  

Over the last several weeks/ couple of months, I have been mentioning here and feeling/experiencing a shear sense of a) exhaustion, b) a seemingly endless number of tasks that were impending or were even past due, c) a sense of being a hamster endlessly running on a wheel, and d) a rather pronounced feeling of anxiety and sometimes even dread upon awakening each morning.  

Additionally, I had been reading and hearing MORE reports about the....

(unfortunately, I was interrupted with work things..... so I will have to publish here as incomplete and take up more tomorrow)

PipeTobacco 
 

Spurious Thoughts

I am still planning on a "comments" post, but today cannot be the day..... I am in too much of a "rambly-jambly" mood to be able to do anything but prattle on about what is randomly swirling about in my neuronal circuitry today.

Part of the reason for "swirling" thoughts is that in the wisdom that only a U Administrator could fathom.... the administrators have deemed this Saturday, right ahead of Final Exam week as the time for the annual "U Extravaganza" which is basically a “dog and pony show” where folks are supposed to goad their students into presenting their work from across the year at a day-long event.  

I have six of my research students who I HAVE goaded attending...... but it’s not like they should instead be studying for..... uh, their FINAL EXAMS. But, neither is it also not like all us faculty are also up to our fuzzy eyebrows in business with the various machinations of doing various types of accounting maneuvers related to grades, and preparing final exams. Additionally, we are trying to schedule out ways to....      ...after exams are administered..... grade, compute, and enter results for the damn things..... AND THEN compute final grades for the semester…. with a deadline newly established by the U of FINAL SEMESTER GRADES due only TWO days after final exam week.  

So, instead of doing the normal "professory" things like preparing the exams, etc.... I am spending most of my time OUTSIDE of my normal lecturing and my normal research and my normal committee work, trying to help my six students navigate the needs and requirements of the "U Extravaganza".   

But.... thinking like the Stoic Philosophers... since there isn't really a helluva lot I can do about it..... I should just let it "go".  I am trying to do just that as best as I can.

I did have a most WONDERFUL dream, however, last night.  I have had this dream before, but it must have been at least 10-15 years since I had a similar dream.  I think somehow all the "accounting" work I have been doing with grades may have stirred up this old dream from the detritus of my mind.  But also, perhaps it was because I was reminiscing in my mind about the old sci-fi program, "The Prisoner" that I feel is perhaps the best (err.... my favorite) science fiction story ever on television.  Much of the dream had a bit of that same sort of surrealism.  

I am not sure if it was a marketing analysis group, or a newspaper conglomerate (hah, newspapers, I miss them), or a group of psychologists, or a group of tobacconists.... but some group hired me (not sure how or IF I even applied) to be a "Taste Tester" sort of reporter for them and sample and write about what appeared to be 200 different pipe tobaccos.  I went into my office, and it was a large, boardroom-like space perhaps 30 feet by 50 feet, with a large table which had a large, stone ashtray on it, and a comfortable office chair nearby.  And, there was a large, cardboard box on the floor near the table.  I opened the box, and inside were my instructions, a large, spiral bound notebook for my writings, and ~200 small pouches of pipe tobaccos, probably enough for roughly three bowls of each type. Each small pouch had a code number printed on the outside.  

I was just starting to read the instructions on how to go about my job, reading about how I was to write opinion essays on each..... when my damn alarm clock (aka my gizmo phone) jolted me awake.  I wish I could have remained asleep to experience much more of that dream.

PipeTobacco

One Important Time

This time of the semester for me is the last week of "big voice" lecturing ahead of Final Exam Week (which is next week).  But, in addition to my usual "big voicing" teaching this week also always entails a lot of monotonous checking, rechecking, and fussing with grades of assignments, of exams, and of various end of the semester projects students are turning in, or are attempting to turn in.  This monotonous work involves many long hours of feeling akin to an accountant.... a job I would never wish upon anyone due to its drudgery.  

I guess I should modify that a bit.... I have known a couple of folks who absolutely RELISH the machinations of being an "accountant".  I modify the above..... therefore.... by more accurately stating that the work of accounting is JUST NOT A JOY for my own particular mindset.... to me it is pure tedium, pure drudgery.  

Except.... back when I allowed myself..... my beautiful, flavorful, invigorating pipes and pipe tobaccos quelled and smoothed out MUCH of this tedium and drudgery.   At this time of the semester, my prior norm would entail my pipe consumption increasing often to close to double a "typical" day.  I so valued the aromatic aromas and flavors swirling about me as I worked, I so very much found gentle solace in the stimulation and flooding of the nicotinic receptors in my hypothalamus, and I so benefited from the mental focus and mental stamina of my pipe tobaccos helping me stay on task during this monotony. 

It is rather too easy these days, to drift off task to damn near ANYTHING else other than this important, but still wholly monotonous, fussy "checking" and "rechecking" and "figuring".  And, perhaps a case in point, is that I felt it was "incredibly critical" for me to come here to post this..... instead of doing the fussing and figuring I should be doing.  :)

If I were a cowboy, I would be trying to lasso my mind back onto task much in the ways a cowboy would lasso a steer.  I will have to try to be a metaphorical cowboy.... or this week will get progressively more challenging.

One final thought.... when my wife experienced her injury just ahead of Valentine's Day.... my schedule, my patterns went into disarray.  I need to wrangle that back into submission too.  I am hoping/thinking that perhaps sometime this week, I will return to having one post a week be again where I try to answer comments I receive.  I like doing that and I have also found it helpful.  

PipeTobacco

Stuff

 

Trying to keep my focus and trying to get things off my plate today to attempt to have a smoother weekend.  Some random thoughts:

• One of my Brother-in-Laws (husband of my wife's sister) has had a major milestone birthday occur this week.  He has now officially turned 70.  My wife and I are planning to have him and my SIL over later this afternoon to have a miniature celebration.  We are going to play euchre together for a few games, then go out to dinner.  He is tremendously fond of Snicker candy bars, so in addition to a more traditional birthday gift, we are giving him 70 Snicker candy bars ("Fun Sized" not full sized).  We found four different Snicker varieties available and are mixing them together in a wrapped box.  We also bought him a fun birthday cake (it is the shape of, and is also decorated... to look like a taco) to have as well.   
• I did my running today.  I am working to get back the joy I used to feel from running.  There have been three things that have made running much less than joyful for a while now.  1)  it was a frustratingly slow time to get rid of the damn plantar wart that was on my heel and was painful, and 2) the compensating I did because of the pain of the damn plantar wart caused me to change my gait in a way that ended up starting my plantar fasciitis, and c) ever since I tripped over a piece of gravel late last fall, I have felt a bit nervous/gunshy about running.  When I trip and fall and skin myself up, it is painful, and it gets me to worrying quite a bit about what could happen.  My wife's own issue with her knee has also given me a lot of concern (for her of course, but here... today....  I am meaning I am seeing it in the framework of "What if that happened to me?" as well).  All of the above has made running much more of a chore, and a fearful one as well..... and that is NOT GOOD.  The exercise of running is a) tremendously helpful for my emotional health by dissipating stress, and b) healthful for me as it keeps a lot of my systems healthier than they otherwise would be.  So.... it is an important task for me to turn around my fear and sourness about running back into a joy like it had been.   I am hoping now that I am back outside running, that this may help me again acquire the joy.  
• One of my friends was still at the Retiree's Cigar Group when I arrived very late yesterday.  He is the fellow I think I mentioned before that goes by his nickname of a number instead of his name.  Everyone calls him "23" and he likes it that way.  "23" is the number of his cigar locker at the shoppe.  I do not think he likes his actual name, which is a rather rare, not particularly popular name which was more widely used in the late 1800s.  His wife has stopped in a couple of times and addresses him by his real name, and we all usually are taken a bit aback by this at first, because she is the only one who uses his real name.  He often talks about his time in Vietnam, or about different aspects of the many classic cars he has and relishes (a late 60s Corvette, a classic Mustang, a Rolls Royce, Jaguars (two), or about the challenges he has with trying to do any sort of renovations on his old victorian home because it has been now included in the towns historical district, and the rules for renovation are now extremely stringent.  Relatively recently he had also celebrated his birthday.  He turned 83. 
• Today is one of those days where I am carrying around an empty pipe and having it almost be a "pacifier" of storts for me.  I miss them very much.
•  At a committee meeting this morning, the Chairperson of the Honors Committee startled me a bit.  She is roughly my age, and I have known her for well over 30 years.  Today, at our meeting, when she opened her mouth, I was surprised to see that she now was sporting a mouth full of braces..... with the traditional, old-school rubber bands and all.  I was rather taken aback.  I DO KNOW and realize that folks are NOW often getting braces well into their 40s..... BUT, I had never heard of anyone getting them in their 60s!  In fact, I had once asked my dentist about this perhaps 10-12 years ago when I was a lot younger than now.... and he intimated that it is usually not "recommended" at my age.  Now, whether or not that is true today, I guess I do not know.  Or, perhaps it was also related to and in conjunction with my TMJ... again I do not know.   But, I do know that seeing my friend (the Chair) today with braces had me imagining and wondering.... not that I want to consider them any longer.... but, wondering if I had somehow had them earlier in life, if perhaps they would have diminished my TMJ or even eliminated it?  I will never know.  
• Not sure if many (or any) of my blog readers will know or be able to identify the fellow in the image at the top of this post.  As I always strive to do, I try to have at least an ancillary connection of the image to an aspect of the post.  

PipeTobacco

The Sunshine Day

I am still diligently working to keep those"stoic philosophical" ideas in my head.  Again, basically it is in a nutshell..... try to make decisions with a "cool, calm demeanor" and to promote HAVING a "cool, calm, demeanor"..... FOCUS your limited energies on things you CAN control and exert change in..... and LIMIT or even ELEMINATE your focus on those things that you CANNOT control or exert change in.  

It seems so simple..... but it is NOT really that simple to follow when we are bombarded with stimuli from everywhere all the time.  But, I can report that when I can keep those "rules" in my mind, they DO help me and have been beneficial.  

My bite guard situation the other day is a bit of a "partially successful" case in point.  I have to admit the experience left me exhausted, and that 3:30am bedtime made the next day rough to navigate in many ways.  BUT.... I think I handled the (temporary) LOSS of my bite guard BETTER than I have on the few other occasions where it has occurred over the decades.  I had to do a helluva lot of running around, but instead of getting flustered and frustrated to the point where I would literally begin to sob (if you do not have TMJ, you would  not really understand the impact of not having your bite guard.... it CAN be that emotional) and end up losing all mental focus..... I instead channeled my mind into remaining as calm as I could muster, and kept carefully searching (and searching and searching and searching) all the different potential areas I had been across the day.  Keeping the focus on what I COULD do (search) to help, and working to ignore the things I could not control (What if it was GONE?  What if the dog had eaten it?  What if it fell out of my pocket in some random place during all the journey of the day?) helped me.  

* * * 

I am looking forward to hopefully finding some friends at the tail-end of the Retiree's Cigar Group today.  But, even if they had left before I am able to get there, I have more of my "Hidden Valley Road" book to read as a backup.  

* * *

From  a "stoic philosophical" perspective, I am trying to think through in my mind, my pipe smoking.  I am not sure where all my thoughts fit, however.  I tend to THINK I should be able to control and make decisions on potentially returning to pipes in a way that is within a framework that feels occasional and appropriate.  But, in some other ways, I am wondering if perhaps the sheer joy I have with pipes and pipe tobaccos is perhaps something I cannot exert any sort of meaningful control over?  If the latter is the case, perhaps there is no hope of me returning to them in a truly managed sense?  Yet, I am not really sure.  When I get more time, I will have to reason through it more to try to figure it out.

* * *

I have also been giving A LOT more thought towards retirement.  Not that it is eminent.  But, I am starting to realize that I have considerable worries, anxieties, and concerns about this sort of major transition in life.  I am thinking I may start to try to categorize and write out these thoughts, perhaps once or twice a week here, so I can better try to work through them.  I am hoping that by doing so, I may be able to transition to retirement in a happy, good way.

PipeTobacco