Unfocused

I am more than a bit unfocused today.  I am trying to avoid going to the U as it is "move-in" day for all the kids in all the dorms..... so it is traffic-wise, pure chaos on campus.  Some students wait until tomorrow or Friday, but usually a majority move in today.   

I did run.  I did send out a bunch of "Welcome to 'XXX' Course!" e-mails to all my students... reminding them of what books they need, what to do ahead of the start of class (get books, read syllabus, get a planner, think through their times and plans for outside of class study, exploring our LMS, etc.).  I also reminded them of our building and classroom number and timing of the first class.  I usually do something similar to this TWICE prior to the start of the semester..... the first time for the "eager beaver" types who want to get their ducks in a row well in advance (usually I do that e-mail in mid-to-late July.  The one today is for the majority of students who typically do not look at things until perhaps a few days prior to the start of classes.).  I will also send a similar e-mail to folks again after the first week is completed, letting them know that if they have not yet done "a", "b", "c" etc.... that they are AT SIGNIFICANT RISK for falling behind.... and this would very negatively affect their ultimate grade at the end of the semester.  

But, that is all mundanity.  It is "important" for my sanity though, to try to decrease (it never fully eliminates) the number of students who eventually come to me after missing a few due dates for various assignments.... crying "I did not KNOW about 'XXX' !!!!!" even though they damn well did IF they read any of these three different e-mails.  But, again, even that is just mundanity related to the student experience when you have ~250 students.... there WILL always be a small handful of "headache-inducing" kids who exhibit a considerably "scattered" mindset.  

So, whilst in the midst of the mundanity.... I have been just living in my thoughts and memories of pipes and pipe tobaccos. The flavors and textures of the M58/SWR bowlful in Nevada have been especially at the forefront of my mind probably because of their recent proximity.  If I think hard enough, I can still in some ethereal way still TASTE the beauty of those two blends together.... they formed a truly lovely "culinary" fusion together.   I can, with enough thought, still ethereally feel the comforting massaging of my neurons.  It can be ALMOST like reliving that actual LIVED experience.... but... regrettably it also is NOT the experience.  Sort of a yin-and-yang.... a positive and a negative simultaneously. I also would switch from time-to-time in my mind, to a few of the countless other pipe memories as well... each one sweet as a memory yet also bittersweet as they are only.... a memory.  It is interesting to think of and recall how all those prior bowls of pipe tobacco were each a bit of a celebration, even though not every time did I recognize them as such.... as they were just a part of everyday life.  Perspectives can be interesting in how they may modulate. I do not regret my Nevada adventure in the slightest, but I can attest it has ramped up my PCS score (the system I used to regularly report on) to around a 9 or so... many if not most days since I have returned. Prior to Nevada, my daily PCS score had been hovering around 5-7 depending on the day.  After all this time, I can now at least accept that it is very unlikely I will ever have any extended periods of time with PCS's of 1-3.  It does not seem like a reality I will/would ever experience.  

So, what to do with the rest of my day?  With my low focus, I will very likely keep my head well within the heady pipe tobacco memory "clouds" but I should also do some tangible things.  Perhaps I will continue to work on and finish the tidying of my garage, or perhaps I may try to venture onto campus to do a bit of work with my rodents, flies, and worms.... if I can find a parking spot.  Eventually late in the day, my wife and I have plans to swim.  Tonight for dinner we are having toasted "BLT" sandwiches since it is tomato season for REAL home grown tomatoes from my sister.  As I am not fond of bacon, mine instead should be listed as "TLT" sandwiches, as for me I substitute sliced deli turkey for the bacon my wife enjoys.  

PipeTobacco        

Lab Cleaning

Today is the day I have set aside for cleaning and straightening of my major research lab.  This is going to occur in a few minutes, as I spent a significant part of the morning working with the U's Grant's Officer to work through various aspects of anticipated grant expenditures during the Fall.  I used to enjoy working with the Grant's Officer because she is a really nice person.  But, my enjoyment for these meetings has been dampened a fair amount this last year or so because of a software program called:

WorkDay here is a link to their website.

I think I have written about WorkDay before.... they bill themselves as "...a unified AI platform built to serve your entire organization."  But, it is complete and utter balderdash (I would prefer stronger, more accurate cuss words).  I have yet to meet a person at our U who thinks WorkDay has HELPED improve things related to paperwork issues..... although I suspect there may be a few "higher ups" in U Administration and/or U Finances (who I try to avoid) who probably think this is the "cat's meow" because a) they themselves have to do less work, b) they do not hire as many folks as they used to.... to do these paperwork things, and c) they just enjoy making the real working-folk's (we faculty and staff) lives much more difficult and aggravating.

Again, I have NEVER met a person who has a positive thing to say about WorkDay.  It saddens me and makes me just a bit suspicious of my beloved NPR as they have WorkDay commercials regularly now as the damn company has decided to be an NPR sponsor.

* * *

One of the things I was thinking about as I drifted off to sleep last night...... and yes, I was reliving in my mind that exceptional bowlful of M58/SWR again..... was how the whole experience felt so sensorially VIVID.  It may seem very silly, but during my enjoyment of that bowlful, sounds were more musical/lyrical, views were more colorful and vivid, flavors and smells felt more robust, and even tactile sensations felt more substantive.  It was such a beautiful gift.  

* * *

When I ran this morning, I began a new process that I had heard about based upon a story from NPR where they were talking about research findings showing a significant value and benefit of what is called "HIIT" which stands for "High Intensity Interval Training".  I had heard of this approach for a number of years (and when my youngest son was in Cross Country way back in high school, his coach made the team do this type of thing to improve their speeds in the team), but I never thought it may have benefit for me. But this research finding reported that HIIT training as a part of exercise was shown to offer benefits in metabolism and protein production and usage.  Basically HIIT occurs if you push yourself in a series of all-out, short but extreme bursts of effort.  

So, today, as I ran my usual 6.2 miles of late (10 km)...... I purposefully ran my typical pace for the first five miles (~8 km)... but then tried to do "HIIT" during the last 1.2 miles..... basically I would run like a bat out of hell (basically as fast as I possibly could) for about two minutes, then slow to normal pace for about 30 seconds, then speed back up to maximum for another two minutes...... and so on through that remaining 1.2 miles.  

My findings..... yesterday.... wholly normal paced run.... heart rate during run averaged ~125 bpm.

My findings...... today..... in the "normal run" section.... heart rate during the run averaged ~127bpm.

                           today...... in the "HIIT" run period.... heart rate was hitting up to ~155bpm

In theory, this "HIIT" work will help my metabolism and will help me in a variety of other ways, so I am hopeful.  I do not really care if I get "faster".  I am looking for the health/wellness benefits.  My resting heart rate yesterday was 49 bpm, this morning it registered as 48 bpm.  I have also increased work with a BOSU and been adding in "jumps" more regularly... but I will have to explain those two another time.

* * *

I have some battery operated hand tools (circular saw, jig saw, drill, sander, reciprocating saw) that are considered "old" by tools with battery standards.  I resent that connotation, however, as they are only ~ 20 - 25 years old.  But, I had over the last year or two, not used them too often.... mostly because the damnable NiCd batteries have worn out and I was not wanting to investigate getting new batteries.  But, finally, I have done so and low-and-behold they still make these batteries for the tools (Ryobi, 18V system) but the batteries have CHANGED to being two DIFFERENT forms.... option a)  NiMH batteries, and option b) Lithium batteries.  I am trying to learn the ins-and-outs of these two forms to figure out which I should buy.  Any help and advice would be appreciated.   What I have gleaned thus far is that the NiMH are very heavy (like the original NiCd)... BUT they can be charged in my original charger.  They are also cheaper, but their charge does not last as well nor as long as the Lithium and they can potentially still develop a "memory" if you charge them improperly.  The Lithum, by contrast are lighter (than the original NiCd), BUT they require a NEW charger since because my original charger would ruin them in short order.  They are more expensive than the NiMH batteries (and again the added expense of the charger too), but the charge is suggested to last longer.... AND you can (theoretically) charge them and they will maintain that full charge for months until you use them.  So, I am not sure which route to go.... I see benefits with both styles, but not sure which is best for me.   It feels aesthetically kind of strange that NiMH batteries are the same orange/black color that the NiCd batteries were for my tools originally and look "normal" as part of the tool's blue/orange color scheme.... but the Lithium batteries are neon green/black.... which would look "strange" with my blue orange tools.... but that (at least alone) should not be the deciding factor.

PipeTobacco

Cases in Point

In thinking about how retirement may proceed, I have been thinking some about how two of my sisters have retired.  Each is a considerable contrast from the other:

One of my sisters retired, and she and her husband sold their home in the city to buy a home on ~10 acres with two additional out buildings (pole barns).  They are almost assuredly not going to have grandkids as their only child married at a bit of a later age and his wife is older than he is, and both are really near the age border to have kids now.  

This sister and brother-in-law are true "busy-beaver" types, who rarely if ever stop moving.  So, now in addition to their cottage which they have been constantly puttering with and fixing up and planting for decades.... they are now doing similarly on a bigger scale at their "country home".  And, they have also become ardent gardeners..... and damn good ones as well.... their garden spans ~ 1/2 acre and they have beautifully fenced it in (to keep out deer and rabbits).  And, they have had the most wonderful success in growing their various plants to hang from fences (squash, cucumbers....  that sort of thing) or training the plants to grow with support of various fencing (monster sized tomatoes, etc).  Their garden is as neat as a pin, with never a weed in sight, and the garden is extremely prolific as well.  They report typically spending 3-4 hours in the garden each day during the growing season.  

Another sister of mine has a different approach with her husband.  They have a nice "country-ish" home, which is neat-as-a-pin too.  They are not particularly garden-focused, but do plant pretty flowers around their home each year.  Their major focus is on the grandkids (they have seven).  The spend the majority of their time either helping their kids out with child care, or in going to a continual stream of school activities for the grandkids.  

The above are just a couple of examples.  But, neither is a particularly strong model for me.  Gardening outside in the midday sun several hours a day does not seem like something I would relish (although I love that she shares her ample excess vegetation with us) as my skin burns readily.  I could see myself being a deeply immersed grandpa.... but as I had mentioned, that is not appearing at least in the near time frame.... our kids, themselves, are not even settled in any appreciable way themselves yet.  

So, those two convergent examples do not provide me much in terms of guidance.  I will try to think of other retirees I know and continue to examine.

* * *

My wife and I have been in a flurry of house "dunging" this weekend.  We cleaned out several closets, cabinets and cupboards removing several big, garbage bag size bags to a) donate, or b) dispose of.  I am aiming to work more on tidying up and organizing the garage this afternoon too (so any more errant trash can go out with tomorrow's trash pickup).  

Mass was joyful and helped me to better focus afterwards.  My friend (the one who introduced me to the Retiree's Cigar Group) was there, and while my wife chatted with one of her friends, I chatted with Jim. He did not get to stay long at the group last Thursday, as he had a last minute appointment get scheduled (he was a bit grumpy about it too, only being able to stay at the RCG for roughly ~1/2 hour).  

* * *

It is interesting that since my return from Nevada, virtually every night before I fall into sleep, I am re-remembering the tranquil joy and beauty of the bowlful of M58/SWR I was able to savor in the park.  It remains so vividly sensorial to me.  The textures, flavors, aromas were to me as I imagine a 3-Michelin Star menu tastes to a chef.  And, the gentle nurturing of the mental pathways of my mind brought with the gift of that M58/SWR felt akin to a child on Christmas morning.  

* * *

I am in the process of straightening my outer office in preperation for the start of the new semester.  I need to tidy things, but also clean and organize materials so when the start occurs, I am able to simply "grab-and-go" into my professorial yammering mode.  

PipeTobacco

Random

 I did.not want to stay in my office any longer, and I didn’t feel like going home…. both seemed too “stifling” regarding work I could do.  

I am in a park and typing on my phone.  So, please excuse any typos. Also, thoughts may be more brief as thumb typing is slower.  

I am trying to feel out the now seemingly real idea that I can retire.  It is both thought provoking and nerve wracking.  

Random thoughts:

1.  It SOUNDS fun in some ways…. but what is fantasy “dreaming” and what can be “reality”.  And, of things that MAY be able to be “real” how do I figure out the “right” realities to aim for?  

2.  I do fear a loss of identity. 

3.  I really have never TRULY looked beyond being a “professor”.

4.  Having taught for 40 years…. what AM I if I do not teach?  

5.  The unstructured, “everything is possible - nothing is set or established” aspect of retirement is more than a bit frightening.  

6.  When to “pull the trigger”?  It could be in one year.  It could be three years.  It could be never.  

7.  The many “pipe dream” thoughts over the years of what I could DREAM to do in retirement…. now have to be examined for feasibility and for what I SHOULD do.  Real decisions are looming.

8.  Family is of course a big concern.  But, the more usual and helpful ideas for decision making of being near grandkids is not an option.  No grandkids will arise in the foreseeable near future and the kids are not in any way settled in a “home” city either currently. So that does not provide any guidance at this time.  

9.  Alzheimer’s scares the living sh*t out of me, now having experienced it with my MIL.  My genetic side of the family has never experienced it before.  It appears to BE fairly common in my wife’s genetic side though.  If my wife were to develop Alzheimer’s….. I cannot fathom how lonely I would feel. 

10. Do I actually have any actual goals to strive for any longer?  Goals and trying my damndest to TRY to meet them shaped damn near every part of my life.  Do I have or can I FIND meaningful goals to strive for?  Or are goals really an illusion… and at my age should I only look at “reality” and give up the “fantasy” of goals and striving and trying?  

11.  How do I “relax”?  This sounds asinine, I know…. but sincerely…. “relaxation” in many ways feels (felt?) like “playing hooky” from the things I should be doing… and in many ways I associate relaxation as a minor, temporary thing that I sometimes would selfishly do…. until guilt or worry about what I SHOULD be doing would drive me back to work.  

12.  Do I have meaning?  I used to believe that my teaching students gave my life meaning and purpose.  And, I can still delude myself that this IS so.  But, is it really?  If no, was it all a farce?  If yes, what meaning will I have after teaching is gone?  

Again, the above is just a jumbled, random spewing of different thoughts I have been having.  

I look back at the above and feel rather stupid.  But, these have been a fair number of my thoughts.  They need to be here for me to examine…. and to allow them to settle OUT of my mind for a while.  

PipeTobacco 

A Lot

There are MANY different thoughts I have been having about retirement.  I have been trying to sort them out in my mind to try to write about what I am thinking (it helps me to get it on “paper”).  I have, however, not yet gotten a “gelled” enough focus to really write in any sort of coherent way.  

I am seeing that there are many positives and many negatives in looking at the reality of retirement.  There are many things I need to think about.  

My prior reality was basically to have frivolous “dreams” of what retirement could be, but truthfully, in many ways I have never seriously thought any of it through….. mostly believing it would not be able to happen and that I would work until I die.  

But, now, I need to do some rather serious thinking.  

The Retiree’s Group was pleasant and fun, but it did divert my attentions away from any coalescing of thoughts….. not sure if that was intentional on my part, or just circumstance.

PipeTobacco 

Retirement

Yesterday my wife and I drove down to the U’s Retirement Folks about 90 minutes away to get an update.  It has had me pondering a lot of things all day today.  

I was primarily cleaning and sorting stuff in the A&P teaching lab in preparation for Fall.  

I have a lot of different thoughts I need to work through about yesterday.  It is rather a lot of different thoughts.  

Tomorrow will hopefully be a great day”Retiree’s Group” meeting.  But, then in the early evening I also have a Parish Council Meeting.  

PipeTobacco 

Maybe Another 5K?

My youngest son was trying to get me to run a relatively close by race that is a 5K Run (3.1 miles) with him in the middle of October.  I think I will probably do it.  But, while I run AT LEAST that distance (usually double that distance of late (~6.2 miles), and it used to be triple that distance (9 or 10 miles) until I had the plantar wart/plantar fasciitis challenge a while back) every weekday and many Saturdays.... the thought of running in the presence people..... especially of "REAL" runners makes me feel uncomfortable and rather out-of-place.  When I run, I run solo.

It may be rather stupid of me to feel this way, as I know the 5K Run is for anyone who wants to do it.  But, in my gut (and mind) I still feel like the "portly" fellow I used to be (hell, approaching 20 years ago now).  It is a mindset of "shame" and "embarrassment" and of being a "failure".  And, while I do not and would not want ANYONE to feel that way about themselves whatever their body shape may be..... FOR ME it is a difficult thing to shake off those old, negative feeling about myself..... I still do feel them.  

Another facet about it that is hard for me to get out of my head is that I am just an "old, slovenly duffer" who really is not a runner.  I have been running for ~12 years now..... but I feel out of place with all the "cool folks" who project an athletic "je ne sais quoi" of "real" runners at these sorts of things. I have NO discernable flair, nor charm, nor grace when running.   Yes, I do run, but in my MIND, I see myself more akin to a lumbering old coot, who probably looks like he just staggered out of the drunk tank from an episode of Gunsmoke... or perhaps even worse.... looks as hyperkinetic and herky-jerky as Don Knotts when he would portray Barnie Fife on the "Andy Griffith Show".  Then, if I think deeper..... and think about the fact that I indulge in a cigar once a week at the "Retiree's Cigar Group" and hell, I had a pipe (that was beyond amazing) just a while ago too.... I feel even more fraudulent to call myself a "runner".  

So, I probably WILL sign up for this run.... before the deadline approaches in a couple of weeks so I can get a t-shirt.  I will do this when my son and I can do so together on the computer.  But, the RUN itself will very possibly be less of an effort than will be the mental wrestling I will be doing with myself leading up the the day of the race.  Very possibly that mental wrestling will ultimately be more taxing than the run itself.   Believe me, I do KNOW these thoughts are STUPID.  But, I also do know I will and do feel them and do not know of any way to turn them "off".  

But, if I do the race, I will get a race t-shirt as a sort of "trophy".  That fact may help keep me wrestling THROUGH all these negative thoughts and actually do the damn race.    

PipeTobacco