The Retirement Pipe Dream

Over the course of the last few days, I began to allow myself to daydream of what would be my prescribed fantasy retirement.  Here are bulleted excerpts of what would be my most beloved current dream:

• My wife and I would both be in decent health.
• We would sell our home and move somewhere where the COLDEST it would normally get would be in the dead of Winter perhaps just reaching the point of freezing, but that the "cold" would last perhaps 4-6 weeks at most and we might get occasional dustings of snow, if any.  Beyond that 4-6 week period, the routine temperatures would at lowest be in the 40s (or 50s) and most of the year would probably be somewhere in the 60s - 90s.  
• If we could move to somewhere that was ALWAYS above freezing, that would be a bonus feature.
• We would want to live in a city/town/community that would have at least some diverse, ethnic food.... at minimum there would need to at least be an (Eastern) Indian restaurant.  Other cuisines could vary, but preferred options would especially be great to include Ethiopian, Thai, Japanese, and Mexican or Tex-Mex, and although not "ethnic" a vegan restaurant would also be fun.  I am truly indifferent about Chinese food, although my wife would probably include it as an option as well.... I might be more enthused about Chinese food if it includes Dim Sum.... but even then, I am a bit indifferent.  
• In the best case scenario dream, we would buy an inexpensive 3-bedroom condo on as high a floor as we could comfortably afford.  A two-bedroom would suffice, but three would be better so we could have two rooms for various projects (an office/computer space, and a music/craft space.... one of which could serve as a guest room when needed/desired with either a Murphy bed (ideal) or a fold-out sofa.  
• It would be wonderful/ideal if the parish we migrate to (of course, a Catholic Church) is vibrant and active.... and is nearby where we live (walking distance would be extremely wonderful).  If it is a parish with a Capuchin/Franciscan flavor towards the teachings and philosophy of the RCC faith..... all the more wonderful.  
• It would be absolutely wonderful if the condominium complex had a pool and possibly a small gym/fitness area... but if not... hopefully a nearby community college or other nearby college might have a pool and fitness center we could navigate to easily.  
• Of course, we would want our pet dog and cat with us.... but if they unfortunately pass.... I would (after necessary grieving time) like us to find a young golden-doodle puppy (hopefully medium sized... maybe 30-40 pounds) and a short-haired, orange tabby cat (such as "Morris" from the old cat food commercials).  
• I would like to hope where our condo is, that the community has a community wind band I could join to continue to play my bass clarinet and/or tenor sax.  
• I would like to hope that a nearby college may hire me as an adjunct professor where I could teach ONE A & P course a semester.  Ideally, the size of this course would be CONSIDERABLY smaller than the ~125 students per class I currently teach.
• I would hope there is a tobacco shop nearby in the community.  I would like to envision first incorporating myself into their community to become a sort-of "Cliff" or "Norm" type regular (which one of the two characters I would be more like is anyone's guess.... although I probably lean a bit more "Cliff"-like, regrettably).  Ultimately, it would be a shear delight if the shopkeep might... after some time of getting to know me, might offer me to "man the shop" for a couple of hours a week.  That would be exceedingly fun, I believe.  
• Depending upon our finances, it would be a delight to plan with my wife... a variety of traveling excursions.  I am hoping for possibly going on a cruise (leaning toward the Caribbean region), potentially flying to Europe, traveling to the desert Southwest and/or Mexico
• I would also greatly appreciate if the community we fall into has a large, pleasant, public library and an art museum.... and if both could be in comfortable walking distance from our condo.... that would be a big bonus.  

Hah!  Nothing like wanting perfection, I suppose.  But, hell, what are DREAMS meant to be, if not the best to hope for?  

PipeTobacco

Not as Much Eeyore

 

I am not as much of an "Eeyore" today as I was yesterday.  I am still not "up-to-snuff" where I would like to be emotionally, but I have been able to reason through and accept that I am in the midst of a reliably and damnably emotionally difficult time of the year for me.  The perspective that much of this is ROUTINE at first thought is damn depressing, but it also ends up being a bit of a "comfort" as it were.... in that I can recognize that it SHOULD EVENTUALLY PASS.  

The bad....

• This one meeting that specializes in being a great, first "stepping stone" venue for UNDERGRADUTE students to present research at always falls in March.  And, no matter how hard I try to make this process smoother for ME and for my UNDERGRADUATES who are novices.... it is always the same challenge filled with very late nights of number crunching, hand-holding, and a lot damn work that always happens at the last possible minute.  I get it.  I really do.... it is part and parcel of the undergraduate experience.  They are trying their damndest to get things done appropriately and timely, but all manner of situations regularly befall them to keep it consistently something that needs LOTS OF LAST MINUTE support from me.  I truly love working with them to help them grow, but this array of late-night March days in the last two weeks before the conference saps joy from my soul.  But, I keep trying to focus on how my guidance helps them to become more of whom they want to be.  It is far easier for me with regard to my GRADUATE students, and hell, even for the seasoned undergraduates.   
• The weather.... in my neck of the woods it is usually still typically "horse dung"-like all through this month and even into April in many years.  My body no longer wants nor enjoys the cold, the fight against snow, the bitter winds that chap and chafe my hands, my face.  
• The deaths... when I look back on it, of the historical context of loved ones who have died, and I miss greatly..... I am estimating that at least 50%, perhaps as much as 60% have passed away in the wretched month of March.   The thoughts, the memories of the harshnesses of passing SO FREQUENTLY in this damn month flavor my mind like a bitter pill.

The above churn in my mind and weaken my spirit so regularly this time of year, I would think I would more readily recognize this pattern.  But, every year, it captures me off-guard.  

I am just trying to ACCEPT getting through this month is hard, and to try to focus on better times that will hopefully come.  It is my fate and my lot at the moment, and yet at least trying to focus beyond it to a future happier time is my effort at the moment.  

The one "relatively" consistent positive I have mostly maintained is going to the Retiree's Cigar Group each Thursday.  I have persisted in working to the best of my ability to not allow things to infiltrate that and have me push it aside.  Yes, I am OFTEN late (necessity ~1/2 the year because of teaching schedule), sometimes extremely late..... but I have only MISSED going a few times (during the crisis parts of my wife's knee challenge).  

My maintenance of going to the Retiree's Cigar Group is a positive, I believe for me.  While I have an awfully close to ABSOLUTE consistency with attending Mass (I do not believe I have missed any weekly Mass nor Feast Day Mass since Covid closures, and I believe it was several years before Covid that I missed a Mass due to extreme illness), the Retiree's Cigar Group is NOT of a REAL importance in my life like Mass truly is.... but the RCG is a MEANINGFUL experience for me, and when I do not go, I do feel the loss.  

So, I am hopeful that I will again go today..... I hope so.

And, I am better coping with and resigned to the harshness that is going to continue for another week... with the help of me focusing on the potential for a better future.

PipeTobacco

Tired

This has been a very emotionally exhausting morning.  Nothing new (in a bad OR good way) has happened.  I am just feeling emotionally overwhelmed by most everything. I do not want to do ANYTHING other than sleep, where I can have dreams and memories of good things.

It may be the time of the semester, or it may be the time of the year (March is the month where a sizable majority of deaths of family and friends has occurred over the years..... my Dad, my Mom, several uncles and aunts, pets, at least three friends.).  I do not want to work today.  I feel spent up and used regarding teaching today. The same, if not more is how I feel about research today.

But, if/when I eventually do retire, who am I then?  I do not really know.  It frightens me.  Will I have any identity?  Who am I now, though?  Does it matter if I transition from nothing to a retired nothing?  

This is about all I can muster up to write today.

PipeTobacco

Brown Fedora

I am sporting a new, brown fedora today.  It goes rather well with my very similarly colored corduroy sport coat this morning.   I only wear fedoras during very cold weather as they "feel" wintery to my manner of thinking.  I have two other brown fedoras, but each is a variation of a mild plaid color.  The one shown is solid in color, and I have looked for one for a while.  It especially reminds me of a cherished uncle of mine. My Uncle Chester was a shorter fellow, perhaps 5' 6", but he always seemed "larger-than-life" to me.  I also thought he had an exceptionally great first name (His full name was the rather cool sounding….. Chester, even though we typically called him “Uncle Chet”).  And   I remember as a young kid, he would ALWAYS wear hats, and very frequently they would be fedoras, often with a tiny tuft of a feather in the band.  He also sported a bushy mustache.  

My fedora does not have a feather, though, because it seems somewhat superfluous in this day-and-age..... but hell, most would think a fedora is rather superfluous anyway.... but I digress. 

In more pleasant weather, I typically wear to most places a snap-brimmed cap.  Or, when I feel very casual, I may wear a baseball cap.  

My uncle was also a pipe smoker like most of the males in my heritage.  Wearing my new fedora today,, I can almost sense the whiskey infused pipe tobacco he tended to prefer.  I miss him and his colorful stories.  He had a wry, pleasantly bombastic personality, and he was in many regards an additional father figure for me.  

I would very much like to write A LOT today, and relive pleasant times and pleasant memories.  But, I am under the gun with a whole helluva lot of deadlines looming, and I need to try to work through some of them to reduce stress as best as a I can.

PipeTobacco 

Stuff Stuffed

 

Just taking a few moments to write here and try to eat a bit before I rush downstairs to inject ~three dozen chicken eggs for a classroom laboratory experience late in the week.  I will use bullet points to try to keep myself more succinct:

• Very, very happily, even though my wife was only able to have TWO physical therapy sessions last week (she is scheduled for three a week, and with availability at the therapy center rather limited, last week a third one was not available).... she reports that the therapy DOES feel positive and helpful for her!  I believe she has been able to secure three spots each week for future weeks, so that is good as well.  
• I am SO stuffed with things to do, that if I try to look at the big picture, it makes my head spin.  I have to play catch-up on a lot of things that were pushed aside while caring for my wife when she was immobile, I have the "normal" research and teaching of any typical week, and I have in roughly two weeks, a cadre of UNDERGRAD, NEOPHYTE researchers who are going to be making their first "big splash" into the world of science by giving talks of their research.  These neophytes need considerable "hand holding" as they work through building their talks, experiencing the jitters and occasional meltdowns they are prone to as this is often their first time "on stage" etc.  
• Running, which has been an agonizing chore of late, but I damn-doggedly FORCE myself to do it.... is about the only think neutralizing some stress.  But, when the alarm clatters at 4:55am, I do admit to cursing under my breath as I force myself out of bed to dress in the running clothes.  
• Pipes.... as is always the case, and is likely to be forever true.... my thoughts and memories of the many, many absolutely beautiful, luxuriously tranquil pipes I have enjoyed over the decades help me to quiet my mind every evening to help me to sleep.  Even though it sounds silly, I am beginning to earnestly think that, somehow..... for me.... and perhaps me alone..... pipes and pipe tobaccos are in some fashion..... yes it sounds foolish.... but in some fashion are MAGICAL for me, or my physiology, or something.  It seems more and more true to me, and not hyperbole.
• After having missed a couple of sessions at the Retiree's Cigar Group, I am hopeful that THIS WEEK, I will be able to return.  The return, of course, at this time of academic year, however, is still LATE.... but I am hopeful there may be one or two stragglers from the group there to commiserate with.  If not, I plan to bring the new novel I am reading.

I could talk (write) a whole helluva lot more, as it feels good to release some of these thoughts to paper (well, electronic "paper"... but you know what I mean) and get them out of my head for a while.  But, I have a date with some chicks I have to attend to.

PipeTobacco

Wiped Out

I am regrettably feeling wholly wiped out and it is only 9:30am.  It is more emotional rather than physical, even though I do not feel up-to-snuff physically either (sore muscles, TMJ, very itchy, dry skin from winter).  

I know a lot of the emotional malaise is just part of the recovery from the month-long anxiety about my wife.  She has been doing well in physical therapy, though, so that is good.  So much worry, stress, and anxiety occurred during that month-long process that we both squelched, that now that she is on the road to mend, as the stress dissipates and we work to resume normal day-to-day life.... we both feel more exhausted.  In many ways, the stress forces a "reset" where we have to pick up a lot of pieces of a disrupted routine and work to re-establish them..... which can be exhausting when you have to try to "catch up" on things that did not get done.  

We had a "teaser" of Spring on Sunday and Monday with temperatures in the 50s.  But, last night, temperatures plunged back down to gloomy winter and we had thunderstorms and ice storms.  Our region also had quarter sized hail around 11pm last night, and this morning, ice covered everything.  Fortunately, it was only a little less than 1/4 inch of ice, so it will likely break and melt apart today as we are anticipated to at least get up to 37-38 degrees.  

I feel very old today.  I feel very worn out.  I need to figure out a way to turn around my mindset.  It is, however, hard to figure out how to do this some days..... and today it feels like an exceptionally daunting task.  

PipeTobacco

Trying to Return to "Normal"

Lots of things have been "slid around" and shifted and pushed aside the last four weeks for me to try to help my wife as best as I could.  With things returning to some semblance of "normal" I need to try to wrangle back into place all the things I have been supposed to be doing and may have been doing to some degree, but am lagging in where I SHOULD BE regarding work, regarding home tasks, regarding most everything in normal day-to-day events.  

So, I am trying to rustle these things back into place.  It is tiring to do, and I feel the weight of my needing to do these things.  I stayed up until around 2am last night working on research related items for my research students who are gearing up for a big meeting several of them will be presenting at at the end of the month.  

Today, I am hoping to get my lectures back into shape so I can be on the normal trajectory by the end of the week.  I am trying to write up exams to get them to the secretary for production by graphics in the next day or so.  

Unfortunately, we have a public concert tonight, and while I normally enjoy such things, it is at the moment, just a task to complete so I can check it of my very long list of things I need to do.

I am hoping my wife's physical therapy goes well, and that they encourage her to continue swimming with me..... if that is recommended, I am hoping to squeeze in some swimming with my wife before heading to the concert. 

PipeTobacco