Retirement?

Today, my wife and I went to a meeting with the fellow who represents the U's Retirement Funding System. It was both a positive and horrifically frightening meeting.  

He advised us to schedule a meeting with one of the "U's Retiree Specialists" so that we can learn about "ins and outs" on how to best organize our retirement.  All sorts of things come into play and I heard a lot of terms that make my head spin like "Required Minimum Divestment" and "Roth Annuities" and a whole helluva lot of other financial jargon.  

The fellow we met with today estimates that we "likely" can retire with a "monthly drawdown" that would match our current needs with excess.  All of this is frightening as hell to me.  

While I think it would be wonderful TO retire..... I absolutely FEAR the idea of becoming destitute.  And, even though it may be foolish to think so.... I have had nightmares and fears of "retiring" and becoming homeless and having to live on the streets.   I think I may have (perhaps too literally) taken my parent's stories of living during the Depression deeply to heart.  

The fellow asked me to imagine something that I thought would be a sort of "splurge" I would like to do, and so I tried to think of one.  Eventually, I thought of one and I told him that I would consider it a massive splurge if I were to buy myself a bright orange Jeep Wrangler........USED.  He laughed, especially at my "used" addendum but said I could "easily" do that in retirement.   

So, I asked this U sponsored fellow if he could recommend a book or two that he thought would in a LEGITIMATE way teach me about the ins and outs OF what to THINK ABOUT in order to retire.  He had two that he thought were well written, accurate, and he added.... "intellectual" as well.  I am HOPING these two books may allay some of my financial fears. 

I have ordered these two books and I and my wife will read them.  We have an initial meeting scheduled in July to meet this so-called "Retiree Specialist"..... and I already scheduled a Fall meeting with our current fellow that I spoke with today.  

It is still well over AT LEAST a full academic year out OR MORE LIKELY LONGER PERHAPS..... but I am now more seriously CONSIDERING the possibility of retirement.  

Besides the fears of financial peril through retirement..... I also have to begin to address and think through my fears of "Who will I be?" after I retire?  I know I do identify VERY strongly with my role as a professor, and I am more than a little worried about WHAT WILL I BE after I am no longer a professor?  Who will I be?  Will I be anything anymore? It scares me in many ways to think of the loss of my identity.  

I do KNOW I need to do a helluva lot of searching and thinking and working through this potential idea of retirement.  It scares me.

PipeTobacco 

A New Attempt

I am trying out a new addition to my exercise routine.

I am still running five days a week like usual, but since my recovery from plantar fasciitis, I have not been hitting 50 miles a week... but instead hovering in the 30 - 36 mile per week category.  But, a lot of the decline was related to my tiring of running loopy loops around the indoor track.  Now that I am back outside, I am hoping to gradually work back up to 50. 

But, I was also thinking about my goals to strengthen my upper body as well.  And, of course some of this I will try to do the "traditional" way by going to the U gym and trying to improve at lifting weights.  I am hoping to incorporate that three days a week.  

However, I also tried out something this morning that I am seeing if it is beneficial.  I have decided that instead of my running occuring Monday through Friday during May and June (the time of my class), I am instead going to run on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Tuesday and Thursday being my class days seems like days I may benefit from not running as I have to yammer so much both of those days.  

But, in order to keep active, I tried this morning to WALK VERY BRISKLY for three miles, while holding a 10 pound (4.5 kg) kettle ball in each hand.  I picked 10 pounds for each hand simply because those were the two kettle balls I had sitting in the basement.  While walking briskly, I did all sorts of movements with my arms..... outward, forward, backward, upward etc.  Even though 10 pounds may be miniscule.... I did feel it in each arm by the time I was done with the walk. If I keep up doing this, I may need to buy a larger pair of kettle balls.  

I am at a loss how to write about my yearning for my pipes any longer.  I feel rather stuck.  I would like to just jump back into them.  But, I also feel hesitant.  It feels awfully tiring to try to think through a way to go back with the "guardrails" I feel would be best.  This morning, before I left, I opened up my pouch of "Three Star Blue" and pinched out a few crumbles of the leaf and put them on my tongue just to try to get a tiny bit of that flavor.  It was not the same as smoking a bowful, very obviously.  But, I wistfully did capture a tiny bit of the raw flavor and the pouch aroma which was better than nothing.  In some ways it was pleasant, but in some ways it felt rather melancholic.  

It was really so nice getting to talk with my friends at the shoppe last week.  I really enjoy that camaraderie.  I do not really know if I will go out there tomorrow or not.  It is going to be so hit-or-miss on whether I find a friend there or not.  

If I do go, I will try to finish up "Hidden Valley Road" (the book about schizophrenia).  I had been thinking I was going to relish my newest book which was "reported" to be a biography about Erik Satie... the French composer from the late 1800s into the 1900s.  I have been relistening to many of his works, and thought I would look for a biography about him.  But, when the book I chose arrived, it was what apparently was perhaps a "vanity" press publisher... because the book was not really any sort of biography.... but instead had about a page of Wikipedia-esque "biography" material and the remaining ~170 pages were little sentence fragments of the AUTHOR (not Satie) on his opinions of some of the phrases of a small subset of satie's work.  Yet, there was no table of contents, no index, no citations.  I typically hold ALL books in high regard... but this was just a poor joke of a work..... as much as I would hate to admit it..... I would not even give a damn if this "book" fell into the hands of Guy Montag*.

PipeTobacco

 * I presume most will get my alluded to symbolism, but if not I will reveal it tomorrow.  

Tomorrow it Begins Again

 

Two important dates (and one valuable "milestone") have occurred since I last wrote:

1.  The birthday occurred of my niece who committed suicide in 1994.  She would have been 49 years old now if she had continued living.  That event still impacts us in ways easy to see, but also in ways that are more nuanced and even more harshly in quiet, less recognizable ways.

2.  It was Mother's Day.  My wife and I took a long drive accompanied by our youngest son to visit the town of our one daughter who is in graduate school.  We ate lunch at a Pakistani restaurant and walked about the college town a bit.  

3.  The important "milestone" is that I was able to deliver the files for all six of my researcher's posters to the Graphics Office before noon last Friday so that they can (hopefully) be printed in time for the big conference in about a week.

* * * 

Tomorrow is the start of the 1st Summer session at the U.  I have a cadre of only 50 students (plus 11 who want to get in but are only on the wait list, but the U admin would not allow me to earn that much "bonus" pay by having another section).  The U is rather "anti" teaching in the Summer sessions because it involves what they refer to as "bonus" pay and they do not wish to spend the money.  C'est la vie. Or perhaps since I studied it more, I should say, "So ist das Leben" in German, or perhaps "Talis es vita." if I am in more of a Latin mood.

Not much else to report.  I feel lackadaisical and unmotivated.  I have been working from home today, as I just did not want to go to the U.  I did write a new PowerPoint that I will use with my new cadre of students to try to explain to them from class #1 on methods on how they should work with wisdom, care, and EFFICIENCY on learning the ~1000 anatomical structures (most in Latin) they are being tasked with knowing as part of their laboratory experience.   Try as I might over these last several decades, there are always a cluster of students who (no matter the presentation style) think they know "better" ways to accomplish this hefty task, and it takes them a few sessions before they realize the error of their ways.... and they then struggle to try to catch back up.  I am hopeful that this new PowerPoint which has a lot of graphic imagery will (fingers crossed) hopefully make the cluster of strugglers (those that initially do not heed my advice) a bit smaller.  

I have still been daydreaming about pipes and pipe tobaccos.  Yet, while I want to rejoin into the beautiful activity, the how to do so successfully stays just beyond my ability to currently grasp.  I wish I could figure out a legitimate plan, and I need to figure out a legitimate plan.  With the abbreviated course session this semester, it blows completely out of the water for these several weeks, the ability to attend (even extremely late) the Retiree's Cigar Group.  I am thinking, however, that last early Summer, I did have a modicum of success seeing a few of the guys if I were to go on Wednesday, early afternoon.  I am considering that again during this time, as it is good to see them.  I probably should have put it on the list above, but last Thursday, because I had NO classes at all.... I WAS able to attend the Retiree's Cigar Group and I was even able to be ON TIME, and everyone was there.  It was extremely pleasant talking with EVERY one of the regulars!  It had been a damn long time.  I had not seen several of them in months.  We spent our time catching up and just chatting.  It was wonderful.

Yet, tomorrow never knows what will transpire.  It is always a surprise. And, yes, I would list Tomorrow Never Knows in the top five of my favorite Beatles songs.   

PipeTobacco 

Presentations Galore

Today is a day of more feverish working on developing presentations with my researchers.  This is a great meeting for them to go to and present at.... but at this time of the year, it is rather tiresome for this old professor.  Not because I do not like to help them.  Not because it is a bad meeting.  But, just because I am exhausted from concluding the last semester, and I would REALLY prefer to have a couple of days "off" where I can do what I damn well please.  

Unfortunately, that is not the case, as we are under the gun to get our presentations submitted to our graphics office as these presentations THIS TIME are in the form of scientific posters and the graphics center at the U has rather specific, rigid deadlines on how long it take to get the damn things printed.  

I have a (at least to me) funny story I am hoping to bring to you in a day or two.  It is of a long ago memory of my youth.  I was talking about it with a friend the other day, not having thought about it in a long time.  I hope, when I get it down here, it may provide you a chuckle or two.  

I do MISS my pipes.  I miss them all the time.  But, when I am excessively busy, like at the moment, they had always been a soothing, calming friend and help spur me on to continue my work quest.  I miss my friendly pipes.

I am hoping to swim with my wife later, if I can get enough done here.  And, I am hoping/thinking it may be able to be a Taco Tuesday this evening if I am not too tired to make them.  

PipeTobacco

Monday

 

Well..... I submitted all ~230 course grades this morning, after having them “marinate" a bit when I finished them up Sunday afternoon.  Those were grades spread out between my five courses (and three independent study courses.... which I had for 7 students).  When I say "marinate" I am letting the grades rest a bit as I contemplate/debate whether to add any sort of modest final curve to the course.  

I would have liked to have had my grades in sooner, but I had three errant grades missing for one of my A&P classes where I have lab instructors who work with me to teach some of the laboratory sections.  I teach all the kids in lecture, and depending upon the semester, some of the students in the laboratory for this course as well.  But, especially in Fall and Winter semesters, I tend to have a small cadre of laboratory instructors work with me.  And, unfortunately, they can be somewhat notorious for a) being slow to get grading finished, and b) sometimes MISSING a few grades when they finally do send grades to me.  This time, it was a mix of both.  I needed to contact THREE lab instructors about missing scores for a total of 4 students.  

It used to be that the time of "marination" of grades was something I very much looked forward to, because for many, many years.... my routine for "marinating" grades was to.... when I computed the final scores and had them all written down in the grade book, I would skedattle off the U campus and head across town to visit with my father in-law, where we would have a drink or two or so, and smoke our pipes and chat and talk away the afternoon.  Sometimes we would do some work out in his workshop (pole barn) as well.  I would always regale to him a variety of the more "interesting" of the various student stories I had acquired during the last few weeks of the semester.  Very, very pleasant memories from those days!  

Yesterday, my wife and I and two of our kids met up to go to the theater, as they were showing a "50th" Anniversary showing of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".  To me, it is a movie BEST experienced in the actual movie theater, so I thought it would be very enjoyable.  It was only the third time I saw it in the theater.

I have always loved watching movies. But, different periods of my life had different genres of movies become my favorites.  During the 70s and 80s I tended to especially appreciate "politically" focused and "romantic comedy" style movies... a few that come to mind, "Getting Straight", "The Way We Were",  "For Pete's Sake", "China Syndrome", "Yentl" and others of that ilk.  It was not until the late 80s and into the early 1990's that a particular type of comedy became a big focus for me..... and inevitably they were of the "absurdist" comedy type... but even then it was of a subgenre of "absurdism" that delighted me.  "MP The Holy Grail" was one of those types of what I call "communication absurdism" comedies.  

Monty Python was a great film for me to see.  It is wholly an "absurdist" comedy.... and one component often of the type of "absurdist" comedy that especially tickles my fancy is that there is a protagonist who, no matter how hard he tries, fails to communicate effectively to others in the film.  And, to make it even more profoundly funny for me is when the protagonist actually DOES communicate effectively, but the communication is not accurately perceived by the other characters.  

Over the years, there have been many films with this sort of communication MIScommunication style of absurdist comedy.  A few of my favorites include:

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (Graham Chapman, John Cleese, etc.)

"House Sitter" (Steve Martin & Goldie Hawn)

"What About Bob? (Richard Dreyfuss & Bill Murray)

"The God's Must Be Crazy" 

"Groundhog Day" (Bill Murray & Andie MacDowell)

I had better go and get to working on some of the presentations for the upcoming conference that I have six sets of researchers going to in a couple of weeks.  

But, before I go, I just realized that today is May 4th.  Most folks think of today as "Star Wars Day".... but in my mind, now that I realized today was May 4th.... the two things I think about and remember are a) it is now the sad, 56th Anniversary of the Kent State University Shootings, and b) it was on this date, 56 years ago that the happy event of my oldest niece being born also occurred.  

PipeTobacco

Friday Thoughts

My mind is filled with various thoughts this morning:

• Even though it was very cold this morning (we had significant frost overnight, lows around 32 F (0 C), it was pleasant running this morning (only 6.2 miles (10 km)).  It felt fresh and pleasant to be outside.  I saw roughly a dozen rabbits during my route.  Listening to my Pandora channel focused on Mass Music, and praying the rosary helped center my mind, even though it took a bit of effort to get focused.  
• My food, beverage, and social media "declining balance" efforts have been fruitful.  I have not felt hungry, but I do notice a more beautiful and greater appreciation for my food at dinner.  I have found it pleasant to be drinking significantly more of my fluid intake as iced water..... I notice more how wonderful plain water is and I also have appreciated the flavorful bitterness of my coffee and have become more cognizant of the diverse, pleasing flavors of my one Diet Dr. Pepper as well.  And, my limited, prescribed observation of social media has had several benefits.... a) I feel I have more time in the day, b) I enjoy more, the brief times I am on social media, c) I feel more focused generally, d) and I feel calmer.
• I still have plans to work through for after the end of this "declining balance" effort where I return to a NEW "normal".  Namely, I need to better define how that NEW "normal will look.  Additionally, I need to still accomplish a few items.... namely a) having my wife help me get the beeps, bings, boops, and other obnoxious noises of my gizmo phone down to a more limited range of those that I WANT, b) I have to have my wife help me figure out how I can see the "usage" statistics of my gizmo phone.... currently I receive every Sunday a simple message saying my average use per day and how it changed from the previous week.  But, I have at times stumbled across a more detailed analysis that I think could be helpful for me.... but I have no damn idea where it is or how to access it.  I suspect my wife will be able to show me and I will practice a pattern to get there a few times so I can embed this process in my mind.  
• What may my NEW "normal" be?  I am thinking a) I do want to return to having my beautiful, high fiber cereal and my fruit next week.  They are enjoyable and healthy.  But, I am not sure yet what other components of my "Food Eaten at the U" will be.  Typically in addition to the cereal and fruit (grapes, blueberries, blackberries and banana are the usual)..... I have also typically had a yogurt, a pair of hard boiled eggs (or equivalent), an English Muffin or a toast, and as a treat, some freeze dried fruit in the afternoon.  But, I am not sure of what of those I really need or will maintain..... b) I am thinking I will continue my new beverage routine of much more iced water.
• I went to the Retiree's Cigar Group yesterday, but I figured I would NOT find any of my friends.  I had to go even later than my current typical lateness due to the extended length of my last final exam.  And, strangely (perhaps due to the cold, rainy weather?) when I arrived, I was the only person (besides the shopkeep) in the place.  I went up to the second floor, thinking of doing more editing work on my syllabi and other documents for the upcoming class, but instead decided to indulge and read more of my "Hidden Valley Road" book.  It is quite fascinating.  I indulged in a 7 X 60 dark Habaneros house cigar.  Very pleasant.
• Afterwards I met my wife for swimming.  The water was warmer than usual (very pleasant).  
• We had "tacos" for dinner..... mine in a more modified form than usual.... still the taco salad bigger than my head, still the two burritos, etc..... but I consciously made them more simple, and had a shift in the relative volumes of "vegetation"... especially MORE lettuce on all of it.  And, I had them all vegetarian as well..... this disappointed my dog as she is used to my sharing the very limited amounts of chicken I typically have (usually, probably 1-2 ounces spread across the whole thing).  Interestingly, the lack of chicken, the very significant decline in sauces (no guac or avocado, no sour cream, no cheese.... and more limited salsa) actually was pleasant in having me be more aware of the flavors of the beans and vegetables.... and much more aware of the various TEXTURES than I had been being cognizant of during the last several weeks.  
• I also have been giving a lot more thought to my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  You have seen me write about them often, but even the relatively frequent writings I have about them do not really match how often I think of them, how often I reminisce about them, how I do miss them.  You see what would be more akin to the "tip of the iceberg" of my contemplations of them.  With my fairly successful maintenance of a philosophically "stoic" mindset these last few weeks, and with the fairly successful "declining balance" efforts of this week... maybe I am in a state of mind where perhaps I CAN discern a good path back to my pipes and pipe tobaccos?  I am sure, at least, that I want to revisit the possibility with what feels now, like a fresher, clearer perspective. 
• Students in my anatomy and physiology class surprised me yesterday by giving me a gift of appreciation.  It tickled me, and gave me great joy at having apparently been an inspiring enough teacher, that they felt motivated to do this, unnecessary, atypical, but appreciated gesture.   
• I really need to stop here today, and get to more number crunching.  

Modest Updates

No, I am not wearing more clothes (a joke.. about the title of this post).

(again.... continuing my thoughts that I could not fully flesh out Monday and Tuesday due to work related needs)

So, back to Mass last Saturday, our priest in his Homily was talking about the role and use and value of silence in helping one to really hear (be it faith, or purpose, or contentedness, or most any positive you can think of) and this really rang as true to me (hah, even my attempt at a descriptive colloquialism references noise (sigh)).  The homily inspired me in several ways I am attempting to enact to help me re-FIND my calmer "center".  Some changes, hell... most of the changes.... are modest, but I believe they can and will be helpful.  Interestingly, they also were also envisioned by me to begin this morning.... it just took me this long to get to the point to reveal them here as I enact them:

• I am taking a prescribed, atypical approach to eating for the remainder of this week (Wednesday through Saturday).  My goal is to "de-emphasize" my fixation on foods because I have been feeling rather sluggish and "overstuffed" with eating during the last few weeks.  This has crept up on me without recognizing this.  There really has not been a change in my healthy eating, but I am finding that what I am eating is more just something to DO and not something to APPRECIATE and ENJOY.    So, during this period I am going to NOT eat any food from waking until dinner (as a "cleanser" of sorts) and at dinner, I am to have a simpler, ~1/2 sized portion of my typical dinner.  Both the "simpler" and smaller version is to help me better appreciate foods more, and to appreciate foods in less elaborate forms. And, I will also allow myself a ~1/2 sized bowl of gently salted popcorn.  I believe this four day "semi-fast" will reset my enjoyment and appreciation of food when I resume unrestricted food consumption on Sunday.  I have done something similar to this once or twice in the past and have found that I can usually obtain a persistently greater appreciation and enjoyment of food and also a greater awareness of my feelings of "fullness" which also tends to lead me to consume somewhat smaller portions as well.
• I am taking a prescribed, alternative approach to beverages as well.  I am allowing myself one morning iced coffee.  But, where typically I make my large iced coffee either fully caffeinated or 1/2 caffeinated and 1/2 decaffeinated....  and occasionally add flavorants (sugar free hazelnut, sugar free caramel, sugar free vanilla, etc).... during this period I will purposefully only have decaffeinated iced coffee and always during this period have NO added flavorings.  And, in terms of my very favorite diet Dr. Pepper, I will, during this time, allow myself only one diet Dr. Pepper in the evening.  Everything else I drink will be iced water.  By limiting my "flavored" drinks across the day to a beginning plain iced coffee and ending with a diet Dr. Pepper..... most of my fluid intake will be water.  I believe this will help "reawaken" my appreciation of the flavors inherent in my beverages and not be simply "seeking" any of the various flavors I like to experience across the day.  It will be a "cleansing" of my palate to a degree.  And, when I return to more varied beverages on Sunday I will be more cognizant of the full range of the flavors of my beverages.  
• And, my damn gizmo phone..... UNFORTUNATELY, I cannot simply cast my phone aside (like in many ways I would like to do).  With the damnable multifactor authentication (MFA), I am regretably STUCK with having to carry the damn thing around with me everywhere at the U.  But, what I am beginning today.... and this is HOPEFULLY LONG TERM (not ending on Sunday like the above other items).... my "unrestricted" gizmo phone use will ONLY be for two items...... a) damnable MFA needs, since I have no alternative and have to use this, and b) Pandora music when I am running.  ALL OTHER USE (e-mail, social media things, Internet exploration, etc) will be restricted to FOUR, ten-minute periods of the day).  Obviously, though, I will still use the gizmo phone as a PHONE to talk to folks on.... but I do not do that particularly often, and my wife is my primary phone friend.   I am also trying to have my wife help me figure out how to TURN OFF most of the damnable "dings" and "beeps" and "boops" the gizmo phone is constantly making.  I am hoping by the weekend to have sounds restricted to a) a phone ringtone that is specific for my wife, and b) a phone ringtone for any other phone call..... NO OTHER SOUNDS.  That would be the way I would like my damn gizmo phone to behave for me.  I do not NEED to hear any of the other nonsense, and I think those SOUNDS are especially problematic in terms of creating in me that dopamanergic cycling that I so want to shut down.  

With the above I think I will be able to better HEAR the silence around me and will have a greater appreciation of a lot of facets of life.  

PipeTobacco