Overview & More

 Not the longest post by any means, today.  But... at least an update:

• Overall, the Easter weekend was acceptable.  The days were overall fine.  I would suggest that the kid I have the anxiety about, behaved acceptably ~80% of the time, and the remaining ~20% was only mild in terms of less than desired actions.  
• So, overall, it was about as successful a time as I could have reasonably hoped for.  As would be expected, the lack of trust/faith that the above would have happened kept me on edge with anxiety through all three days.... but living with the anxiety was far, far better than the potential alternative of having things go very negative.  I would love to have a more joyus, carefree Easter like we used to have 5+ years ago.... but this was better than I feared.  I do keep praying and hoping for a return to trust to occur and I hope that some day it may happen.    

• Now that the above major stressor has passed, I can try to regroup my own thoughts and try to strive forward:
• I want to work to experience an Easter (technically a post-Easter) feeling/mindset of joy and hope for my and my wife's day-to-day.  
• I want to re-establish the positive routines in my life.  With the mix of the foot issues I had (plantar fasciitis associated with gait challenges I developed due to the damn plantar wart I had which took a long time to get rid of), the pressures of preparing the cadre of researchers for their talks a week or so ago, and formidable anxieties of the Easter weekend.... my stamina to maintain the good things I try to do for myself did tend to go "sideways".... I ran less, I had a great deal of worry and important support I provided to my wife during her knee injury, I slept less, I did not maintain as well organized a plan to keep up on grading, test development, and other classroom management.  I am hoping to wrangle all of these items and more back into shape.
• Our last concert season of the year (we do not play in the Summer) is starting rehearsals tonight.  I am hopeful for some fun new music to play. 
• With the continued improvement in my wife's knee due to therapy, I am hopeful she too will be feeling good again too and we can plan more our hopes and dreams for Spring and Summer in more concrete ways.
• I look forward also to Summer when I will be able to again be ON-TIME with the RCG friends.    

• Overall, what I am hoping to foster is a time of calm, tranquil, peaceful day-to-day times with routines re-established in a more predictable fashion to allow for more time to spend in care-free ways with my beautiful wife.  

PipeTobacco

Trying to Shake It Off

I woke up in a bad mood, mostly from nightmares about "scenarios" my mind about what this weekend may entail.  It really has not promoted a happy start to the day.

As I know I cannot KNOW what will transpire this weekend, I need to try to find some way to shake off this mood, which is easier said than done.  But, I will try to immerse myself in work.  It really is the ambiguity about how this weekend will be (either "ok" or horrible) that is fermenting in my mind, hence the reason for the nightmares, I suppose.  

Ultimately it is the lack of trust that hurts and has me on edge.  I do not trust that this kid will behave in a manner that is appropriate.  This kid MIGHT do so, or MIGHT NOT do so.  And, this lack of trust I have has me feel all sorts of emotions about this kid.  I of course love this kid and have always done so, but in the last four or so years, I also have a great deal of anger and resentment and worry and pain and grief.

I am hoping that STATING the above here, will help me "get it out of my head" for a while, like it did earlier in the week (temporarily). 

PipeTobacco

Salt

Getting the opportunity to EXPRESS my anxieties in yesterday's post helped me to at least get the feelings OUT so that I could find a way to push them aside.  This was helpful.  It really does not change that these feelings are real.... and that I will be anxious about the "unknowns" of what may transpire beginning from Friday through Sunday.... but at least I can have today, and Friday (and yesterday too) be ok.  

With my running, I find I must utilize and ultimately sweat out a lot of salt.  Before I started to run (hell, now about 10 years ago), I never added salt to anything.  But, now, I tend to like and sometimes even "crave" salt.  Today, I sprinkled a bit of salt (and a whole helluva lot of pepper) atop of the hard boiled egg I ate. 

My wife has ordered a pair of the plantar fasciitis gizmos I bought... for herself.  She believes some of the residual pain she is feeling may be alleviated by wearing them.  She cannot use mine, because she had to buy a different size/version.... as her feet are "thicker" top to bottom than my rather paddle like feet, and we could not get her foot positioned properly when she tried one of mine.  Variation in feet seem so strange.... my wife wears a rather common, Female Size 9 (US) compared to my much larger Male Size 12 (US).... but the proportion of the top to bottom portion of my foot is rather thin and hers is probably a bit more than twice as thick (top to bottom).  

I am very much looking forward to the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow.  I do hope I will be able to go and I hope at least one or two of my friends will be lagging behind as I will be (as usual this semester) quite late.

The cigar is NOT a pipe.  But, it is a reasonable, enjoyable time to be with friends.  And, I know it is easy to NOT "overindulge" in a cigar (meaning I can easily maintain having just one a week).  I tend to think it would NOT be easy for me to "just one a week" with the far more enticing, beautiful, flavorful, ethereal, and invigorating pipe tobaccos I have.  If only it were so.

PipeTobacco

Cage

This past weekend was a wonderful respite and return to normalcy.  So peaceful and so relaxing.

Sadly, as much as I have tried to avoid these feelings, I am in a current state where I feel as if I am in a cage, a prison.  I feel quite abundant anxiety.

I am feeling anxiety due to the "unknowns" about this upcoming Easter weekend.  The unknowns revolve around how our one kid may "shape" things.  I just do not trust how this one kid of ours will behave.  It could be acceptable, or it could be horrible.  And, this not having trust, nor confidence, nor faith in how this kid may behave has ramped up my anxiety.  

I had tried to "ignore" the upcoming holiday, but my wife is now consistently talking about, and fussing about, and planing the "festivities" as it were, for this holiday.  So, this constant chatter keeps the feelings of anxiety at the forefront of my mind.  

I truly wish it were the Monday after Easter, so all this would be in the past.  

As I am certain some will suggest the "exclusion" of the kid who is unpredictable.  But, that is easier said than done, as my WIFE wants us to ALL be together... including various in-laws which further increases my anxiety about the situation.  So, there is this dichotomy between us.  Who am I to deny my wife what she would want?  But, she also does not consider the potential outcomes.  I unfortunately fear the majority of the outcomes I can envision.

Yet,  I acquiesce fully to my wife, as in a perfect world, I too would us to all happily be together. 

But, the lack of trust, lack of confidence about a positive or happy outcome, nor any faith that the time will have joy.... it just makes my anxiety skyrocket.  

I have hated holidays, birthdays and the like for the last four years for just this reason.  Not being able to trust.... is just excruciating.  I keep trying to tamp down the anxiety, but I fear it will increase through the week.  I wish it were Monday morning after Easter.

PipeTobacco 

Continued Movement Towards Normalcy

Even though I am still extremely busy with lots of extra meetings to help my researchers practice, I am continuing to NOW see and feel a sense of movement towards a return to normalcy for me.... in that I at least have a FEW open holes of time where I HAVE autonomy to do normal things.

I appreciated the encouragement about the pipes from comments yesterday.  It felt happy to at least consider allowing myself to indulge in the beautiful respite.  And in fact, just the considering of doing so added to my actual feelings of joy yesterday.  And, in truth, I almost did allow myself to indulge.   But, ultimately, I did not..... because I felt I did not have a sufficient window of autonomous time to do so..... to be able to extract its joys fully.   But, swimming with my wife was glorious.  And, going to dinner with my wife felt so wonderful too!   

And, with the return to some autonomy, I am also extremely happy to report that NONE of my researchers selected times to meet with me during the normal time I try to in this semester, get to the Retiree's Cigar Group, albeit late.  So, I am buoyed by the prospect that it appears I can try to wedge in that camaraderie tomorrow, and (keeping fingers crossed) there may be at least one or two of my friends who are straggling a bit and I can chat and carouse with them for a while, before heading back to do some evening meetings with the Conference and a few of my researchers.  These meetings, ahead of the start of the conference are all Zoomy meetings, so that is nice too....they feel very containable (or perhaps constrainable would be a better word) and not open ended.

If (as hoped) the meetings and presentations at the actual conference in a couple of days does go well..... I may be so ebulent by the end of the day of a complete return to anticipated normalcy, that I may allow myself to indulge in one..... perhaps TWO IPAs as a celebration.  And, perhaps..... just perhaps.... a beloved pipe.  

PipeTobacco

Wranglin' In

 Almost a sense of euphoria.

I just completed expounding the fifth hour of my extremely large lecturing day.  I also have reached a modicum of success in wrangling in Moby Dick, my nemesis and/or friend... depending on how you view it.  To use another fractured metaphor, I have gotten the noose of my rope around the heifer's neck and wrestled and rustled it to the ground in some semblance of submission. 

After working most every day since Friday until 2am or 3am, I am MORE THAN dead-dog tired,  but, I believe I have reached a point of regaining a small slice of my autonomy.

With all the shifting and shuffling I have done in the last week, but especially since last Friday, my time was not my own.  I moved everything I could to accommodate all my novice researchers (and some less-than-novice researchers too because they also are soon presenting).  This meant that other than my classes, every damn moment was fair game.  And this then necessitated my late nights to 2am or 3am to maintain some level of order in my own, non-lecture work..... grading, writing, reading papers, making exams, etc. And (of course) helping my wife, and cleaning, and taking care of the dog and cat, and getting all manner of chores around the house done as well.  

But other than the remaining 7 or 8 scheduled half hours blocks I have had the researchers sign up for... today, tomorrow, and Thursday.... my autonomy now can inflow back into me and begin to rejuvenate my mushy mind, my achy body, and my warfarin-level of a bruised spirit.

Everything is pretty much as "done" as I can make it in terms of helping the researchers.  Every meeting associated with their final run-throughs is set.  Everything related my Executive Committee work with this regional conference is also set. And, of course all my lectures are set.   Any holes or gaps that now exist in my schedule are NOW MY OWN.... to do damn well what I please.  I believe this return to a start of some normalcy may begin at 5:00pm today.

I believe I will be able to swimming with my wife.

I believe she and I will will be able to go out to eat afterwards.

I believe I may even be able to watch a bit of television tonight.

I also suspect that if I were to grant myself the option to indulge in a pipe this evening, my almost sense of euphoria would likely expand beyond euphoria and in my exhausted beyond measure state... I would find myself splayed across the living room carpet in an exhausted, rather gelatinous, morphological  bliss of a sorts I remember feeling one time, so long ago.  It was in the early afternoon on the day I defended my doctoral dissertation.  I remember how keyed up and exhausted I was culminating in pressures building to a pinnacle at the start of the defense.  When it was done, and I was granted the signatures showing I had succeeded, I could feel the emotions and worries drain out of my exhausted body.  I went back to my apartment, sat on the couch, and filled the bowl of my pipe with non-aromatic Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco (a rugged, long-standing favorite).  As I sat there, smoking, the strength impacted me more than typical because of my shear exhaustion and the long pent-up stresses being released and I sat down upon the carpet... then I laid down upon the carpet, smoking my pipe... and living in the shear experience itself.... allowing my mind to process the events of that day.  It was the pipe helping me to convert the horror and worry of the morning into a blissful regaining of myself ... my autonomy.... after the events had righted themselves at the defense's conclusion.  

Today, it feels I would feel it similarly if I were to venture forth with it.

PipeTobacco

  

Work

I am doing ok.

I have been working pretty much all Friday, Saturday, and Sunday helping my six different novice undergraduates prepare for their upcoming talks, and this work will further continue much of this week.

It is, what it is.  It is valuable for these students, and I truly do like to help them and mentor them in this way.  I even appreciate the "hand-holding" efforts I need for the students in their novice efforts too.  I do serve as a valuable mentor to all my undergraduate and graduate researchers.... and that is a good thing to be.  I often refer to "hand-holding" some, and when I say this, I am more meaning that these particular students NEED EXTRA effort and support beyond typical mentoring... and this is usually more related to their being "novice", meaning it is their FIRST foray into the "real science" world.... not book learning, but now the “hand holding” is needed the first time they attempt to put together a presentation of real work in research leading to the discovery of something new, scientifically…. and the hand holding is needed in regards to preparing them for their FIRST legitimate PRESENTATION.  There is, of course, the whole array of facets of the nuts-and-bolts of science research, but the hand holding moves more beyond that into "sociopolitical concerns", "weaving of a cohesive story" (I tell them they are becoming true story-tellers.... communicators.... in this effort) and "psychological" as well, as they navigate through their worries, concerns, and fears of presenting.

For me, the parts of this mentoring and hand holding effort that I "carp" about, that drains my soul, and make me feel disgruntlement and despair at times.... is NOT the mentoring, nor is it the more intensive "hand-holding".  Instead, it is fully a result of the loss of autonomy I experience at these times.  My schedule is not so much my own during these times, as no matter HOW DILIGENTLY I try to have these undergraduates preplan, and prepare..... 100% of the time, it is inevitable, that schedule changes and timings changes, and unexpected delays... will occur.... sometimes due to the critters we are studying.... sometimes due to the critters who are DOING the research.... and I have to adapt, and open up my own schedule and divert my own needs, times, desires, and hopes during that time.... to HELP THEM and ACCOMODATE these ambiguities.   IT IS THIS LOSS OF AUTONOMY for myself, that dredges up the emotions of sadness, discontent, and rancor that I feel.  And, after these many decades.... I must and need to better accept...... that this IS how the process works.  It always works this way.  

I am thinking after the event this weekend, my life will again restructure to where I do have autonomy, and I fully suspect, like usual, that I will feel a sense of euphoria.... dare I say, longer term…. joy..... at regaining my autonomy.  

I continue to sleep well, with my dreams and memories of pipes, and in memories of my camaraderie with the fellows in the RCG. Dreams do help in the late night.  But, I sure as hell miss my pipes in the daylight.

My wife's physical therapy is seeming to help quite well so far, and I am very pleased that she is regaining considerable mobility.  That, at least, is a very, very, very strong positive.  

PipeTobacco