Working to Relax

 

I am "working to relax" so-to-speak.  Basically, I am having a workday that I am striving to build around the various principles I gleaned from the guest speaker I heard on Wednesday (and talked about here in yesterday's (Thursday's) post).  I am working to guide my mind to focus more on the tangible, present things I can accomplish, rather than be overwhelmed by the many things I cannot objectively control.  It has been both USEFUL, and rather CALMING to me.  I am not sure if this would be considered a "breakthrough" of sorts for me.... but it has been a pleasant day.  I think this philosophy of the "stoics" may have a lot of merit.... and with practice, perhaps this can develop into more my norm?  

• My wife has left on her journey.  I am hoping it is a really great experience for her.  And.... I am hopeful to hear in our phone call this evening that  she found my little package, has opened it, and is pleased with my small gifts.
• I am going to leave for the shoppe in just a bit.  And, if I find a friend or two there..... wonderful!  But as a backup plan, I have my notebook that I will be able to spend some quality time with in terms of thinking about tasks I hope to engage in over the next few days.  These include a) home tasks I would like to accomplish, b) work tasks I need to organize and plan for how and when to accomplish, c) work through a structure on how/when to start putting together the needed electronica for my accelerated "Summer" course that begins in mid-May, and d) think through a list of items I will want to stop at the pharmacy (Walgreens) to get on my way home after visiting the shoppe.  
• This may be a "pipe dream" in all the different permutations of meaning that the phrase has.... but I am contemplating perhaps going back to the shoppe on Saturday as well.... and considering potentially to have a pipe while I am there.  I tend to think the Saturday clientele is not of a group of fellows who stick around there for any length of time (or so I have heard) and typically are shop-and-go sorts on Saturdays. I figure I could perhaps go and allow myself the chance to sample one pipe upstairs in their nicely windowed space where I could sit and read a book.  I think I could wrangle in my mind this being a special enough, rare occasion (being a "bachelor" for a spell) that it likely would not push me into repetitive behavior.  I would far rather have my wife about, of course.... but I was trying to think of a way to garner some fun in spite of my wife being absent. 
• One of the sure "signs" of Spring that I am pretty sure I can/will do this weekend, is to REMOVE the orange snow stakes from around the driveway and sidewalk.  Here is an image from Home Depot showing what I mean if you are not familiar with snow stakes: 

 

These can be helpful markers in the "way up North" region because often the snow levels get so deep that is difficult, often impossible, to read where the driveway or sidewalk ends and the lawn begins.  These markers guide my path when I shovel snow.  And.... fingers crossed...I am feeling confident enough that we will NOT get any more snow.... or at least not get ENOUGH snow that I would not be able to discern the edges of the sidewalks/driveway.  

• I am also considering washing the walls of the kitchen to be able to hang some new/fresh "artsy" things my wife and I have gotten in the last year........ and I am thinking about doing the same for our master bathroom for some similar "artsy" things w have gotten to spruce up that room a bit as well.  
• Finally, another item I am considering is to try to do an effective "Spring Cleaning" of the basement to allow it to be again more functional a space for me to do my instrument repair hobby work.  

PipeTobacco

Bachelor Status

 

I am going to be a bachelor beginning tomorrow through until Tuesday.  My wife is traveling on a work-related trip and I shall be home to do my normal work and to, of course, tend to our pets.  

In order to spend more time with my wife this evening, I am forgoing the Retiree's Cigar Group this afternoon.  I may go to the cigar shoppe on Friday, possibly.... some of the regulars often go multiple times a week and although not a "scheduled" event, I think there is a potential for me to meet up with at least one or two of them if I plan my Friday correctly.  If I go, it will be interesting to see and feel how a different type of participation feels..... not the more "semi-formal" Retiree's Cigar Group.  

I have been working on a small package to secretly insert into my wife's luggage for her on her journey.  It consists of four cards with hand-written thoughts and ideas of love and encouragement in each, a small 10-line poem for each card that I wrote regarding my love for her and how I look forward to her return, and a small package in which I have two sets of four treats she especially likes.... four chocolate dipped Oreo cookies and four chocolate, hand-dipped caramels.  The hoped for plan is that she will, upon finding the package Friday afternoon..... in the evening each day of the journey, she will be able to spend a bit of time opening and reading a specific card and also its included poem, and enjoy a cookie and chocolate as she winds down from the day.  I am hopeful she will feel a bit more deeply, even though we are apart, my love for her with these small gestures.

Stoicism is an ancient Greek and Roman philosophy designed to foster a good life by maximizing virtue, managing emotions, and focusing solely on what is within our control. It emphasizes four cardinal virtues—Wisdom, Courage, Temperance, and Justice… to attempt to achieve mental tranquility and resilience. 

The Dichotomy of Control: The most crucial principle is differentiating between what we can control (our thoughts, actions, reactions) and what we cannot (external events, other people's opinions, the past).

Virtue is the Sole Good: The Stoics believed that virtue (living according to reason and nature) is the only true good, while vice is the only evil.

Rational Emotional Regulation: Stoics believe emotions like anger are irrational reactions to judgments, which should be managed through calm, reasoned thought.

I had not thought about this rather "stoic/Hericlitus" form of philosophy in quite a number of years.  But, I was at a talk on campus yesterday that was of a speaker (neuroscience focused) brought to campus who had as his focus, the discussion of how to experience change in one's self, you first needed to identify clearly the emotions you are feeling and categorize them into emotions related to things you have no ability to control or regulate, versus those that you CAN exert some control over.  So, for instance, the impact globally of climate change is not something you as an individual can truthfully change.... so in the "stoic" philosophy you should work to ignore the emotions (fear, worry, etc) of this global change because it is so large, and you as one person cannot change this "big picture" problem.... it is only fruitless energy wasted to dwell upon.  Yet, what the stoics would instead guide and suggest  would be to instead focus on what you CAN control, and in a mindset of calmness and rationality.... make the local, change(s) you can and devote your energies towards that effort (for instance, decrease the use of plastics, use less fuel, keep the winter thermostat lower).  

As is much of philosophy, it is a bunch of "mind games" but in many ways these can be useful.  The speaker suggested that mental happiness and clarity can be substantially improved by following this sort of guidance by the "stoic" philosophers.  And, in hearing this again, it rang as rather true and valuable for my mind.  

In some regards, it is akin to the "Serenity Prayer" that folks who are in AA attempt to use as a guide..... in a nutshell..... know what you can change, and work on that.  

PipeTobacco 

Visitation

I have written a few times about my Uncle Chester (Uncle Chet).  He was a very favorite Uncle of mine, along with my Uncle Kasper.  They both had passed away decades ago. 

Late in the day on Monday, I found out that my cousin.... Uncle Chet's son-in-law had passed away.  I do not know technically how most folks would name this person.... my actual cousin by blood in this relationship is my Uncle Chet's daughter.  However, in my family the spouses of blood relatives also acquire the same designation.... so I do consider this fellow, the husband of my blood cousin, is also my cousin (although it is by marriage).  I have known him my whole life.  He was my cousin's high school sweetheart at the Catholic school both attended.

My wife and I went to his visitation at the funeral home last evening.  Although the situation was very sad, there was also considerable pleasantness in seeing more distant relatives I have not seen in quite a while.  

My Uncle Chet and his wife (my aunt by marriage, Aunt Clementine) tried very hard to have a large family.  They ultimately went through seven pregnancies, but unfortunately my aunt had a very difficult time in childbirth, and six of the seven children were not able to successfully be born.  I believe my Aunt experienced what is now called "labor dystocia"..... a form of difficulty in cervical dilation. that caused these unfortunate results.  It was only their last pregnancy that was able to have the child birthed successfully.... my cousin.... the person who just lost her husband.  The pregnancies all occurred from the late 1930s through her birth in the late 1940s.  Today, there are medications a woman can receive to help with dilation, and there is of course the very common usage of cesarian section surgery.  Neither of these were options for my Uncle and Aunt at their time of pregnancies

PipeTobacco.  

Overview & More

 Not the longest post by any means, today.  But... at least an update:

• Overall, the Easter weekend was acceptable.  The days were overall fine.  I would suggest that the kid I have the anxiety about, behaved acceptably ~80% of the time, and the remaining ~20% was only mild in terms of less than desired actions.  
• So, overall, it was about as successful a time as I could have reasonably hoped for.  As would be expected, the lack of trust/faith that the above would have happened kept me on edge with anxiety through all three days.... but living with the anxiety was far, far better than the potential alternative of having things go very negative.  I would love to have a more joyus, carefree Easter like we used to have 5+ years ago.... but this was better than I feared.  I do keep praying and hoping for a return to trust to occur and I hope that some day it may happen.    

• Now that the above major stressor has passed, I can try to regroup my own thoughts and try to strive forward:
• I want to work to experience an Easter (technically a post-Easter) feeling/mindset of joy and hope for my and my wife's day-to-day.  
• I want to re-establish the positive routines in my life.  With the mix of the foot issues I had (plantar fasciitis associated with gait challenges I developed due to the damn plantar wart I had which took a long time to get rid of), the pressures of preparing the cadre of researchers for their talks a week or so ago, and formidable anxieties of the Easter weekend.... my stamina to maintain the good things I try to do for myself did tend to go "sideways".... I ran less, I had a great deal of worry and important support I provided to my wife during her knee injury, I slept less, I did not maintain as well organized a plan to keep up on grading, test development, and other classroom management.  I am hoping to wrangle all of these items and more back into shape.
• Our last concert season of the year (we do not play in the Summer) is starting rehearsals tonight.  I am hopeful for some fun new music to play. 
• With the continued improvement in my wife's knee due to therapy, I am hopeful she too will be feeling good again too and we can plan more our hopes and dreams for Spring and Summer in more concrete ways.
• I look forward also to Summer when I will be able to again be ON-TIME with the RCG friends.    

• Overall, what I am hoping to foster is a time of calm, tranquil, peaceful day-to-day times with routines re-established in a more predictable fashion to allow for more time to spend in care-free ways with my beautiful wife.  

PipeTobacco

Trying to Shake It Off

I woke up in a bad mood, mostly from nightmares about "scenarios" my mind about what this weekend may entail.  It really has not promoted a happy start to the day.

As I know I cannot KNOW what will transpire this weekend, I need to try to find some way to shake off this mood, which is easier said than done.  But, I will try to immerse myself in work.  It really is the ambiguity about how this weekend will be (either "ok" or horrible) that is fermenting in my mind, hence the reason for the nightmares, I suppose.  

Ultimately it is the lack of trust that hurts and has me on edge.  I do not trust that this kid will behave in a manner that is appropriate.  This kid MIGHT do so, or MIGHT NOT do so.  And, this lack of trust I have has me feel all sorts of emotions about this kid.  I of course love this kid and have always done so, but in the last four or so years, I also have a great deal of anger and resentment and worry and pain and grief.

I am hoping that STATING the above here, will help me "get it out of my head" for a while, like it did earlier in the week (temporarily). 

PipeTobacco

Salt

Getting the opportunity to EXPRESS my anxieties in yesterday's post helped me to at least get the feelings OUT so that I could find a way to push them aside.  This was helpful.  It really does not change that these feelings are real.... and that I will be anxious about the "unknowns" of what may transpire beginning from Friday through Sunday.... but at least I can have today, and Friday (and yesterday too) be ok.  

With my running, I find I must utilize and ultimately sweat out a lot of salt.  Before I started to run (hell, now about 10 years ago), I never added salt to anything.  But, now, I tend to like and sometimes even "crave" salt.  Today, I sprinkled a bit of salt (and a whole helluva lot of pepper) atop of the hard boiled egg I ate. 

My wife has ordered a pair of the plantar fasciitis gizmos I bought... for herself.  She believes some of the residual pain she is feeling may be alleviated by wearing them.  She cannot use mine, because she had to buy a different size/version.... as her feet are "thicker" top to bottom than my rather paddle like feet, and we could not get her foot positioned properly when she tried one of mine.  Variation in feet seem so strange.... my wife wears a rather common, Female Size 9 (US) compared to my much larger Male Size 12 (US).... but the proportion of the top to bottom portion of my foot is rather thin and hers is probably a bit more than twice as thick (top to bottom).  

I am very much looking forward to the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow.  I do hope I will be able to go and I hope at least one or two of my friends will be lagging behind as I will be (as usual this semester) quite late.

The cigar is NOT a pipe.  But, it is a reasonable, enjoyable time to be with friends.  And, I know it is easy to NOT "overindulge" in a cigar (meaning I can easily maintain having just one a week).  I tend to think it would NOT be easy for me to "just one a week" with the far more enticing, beautiful, flavorful, ethereal, and invigorating pipe tobaccos I have.  If only it were so.

PipeTobacco

Cage

This past weekend was a wonderful respite and return to normalcy.  So peaceful and so relaxing.

Sadly, as much as I have tried to avoid these feelings, I am in a current state where I feel as if I am in a cage, a prison.  I feel quite abundant anxiety.

I am feeling anxiety due to the "unknowns" about this upcoming Easter weekend.  The unknowns revolve around how our one kid may "shape" things.  I just do not trust how this one kid of ours will behave.  It could be acceptable, or it could be horrible.  And, this not having trust, nor confidence, nor faith in how this kid may behave has ramped up my anxiety.  

I had tried to "ignore" the upcoming holiday, but my wife is now consistently talking about, and fussing about, and planing the "festivities" as it were, for this holiday.  So, this constant chatter keeps the feelings of anxiety at the forefront of my mind.  

I truly wish it were the Monday after Easter, so all this would be in the past.  

As I am certain some will suggest the "exclusion" of the kid who is unpredictable.  But, that is easier said than done, as my WIFE wants us to ALL be together... including various in-laws which further increases my anxiety about the situation.  So, there is this dichotomy between us.  Who am I to deny my wife what she would want?  But, she also does not consider the potential outcomes.  I unfortunately fear the majority of the outcomes I can envision.

Yet,  I acquiesce fully to my wife, as in a perfect world, I too would us to all happily be together. 

But, the lack of trust, lack of confidence about a positive or happy outcome, nor any faith that the time will have joy.... it just makes my anxiety skyrocket.  

I have hated holidays, birthdays and the like for the last four years for just this reason.  Not being able to trust.... is just excruciating.  I keep trying to tamp down the anxiety, but I fear it will increase through the week.  I wish it were Monday morning after Easter.

PipeTobacco