Drink, Drank...

I feel a lot like drinking today.  I am thinking I shall do so later this afternoon.

PipeTobacco

2412

Today is the 2412nd day in a row I have at least walked 5 miles outside. 

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Too Much Emotion?

I sometimes wonder if I feel my emotions too intensely?  Even though I try to keep a calm, even-keeled demeanor on the outside, inside I am often filled with turmoil.  Right now, I am DEEPLY hurt by a person who I thought was a very good friend of mine at work.  I have not spoken to this person since Friday morning. 

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The Plan

The plan for me today is that once I get enough work done here to keep me above water, I am going to go visit my elderly father-in-law for some much desired conversation, libations, and pipes.  It should be a grand time, and I am very much looking forward to it. 

PipeTobacco

Safe Journey to a Friend

A friend of mine who many of you know here from the Internet, Billy (BBC), will be away from the Internet world for a while, perhaps days, weeks, or even months.  He is embarking upon a journey that should renew his spirit and we can look forward to his return to the Internet and more writings on his blog, Spirit Doings.  While it will be sad to have him away for a while, I do very sincerely look forward to his return, and anticipate a wide array of great tales about his adventures.

Safe travels, BBC!

PipeTobacco

Tired

For some reason today, I feel especially tired.  Not so much physically, even though yesterday I forced myself to jog three miles non-stop.  But, instead, I feel mentally tired.  I think part of it is the time of the semester.  Part of it is the lack of a "real" Spring Break week for me this semester (I spent the week working even harder than usual helping students prepare for a national meeting). 

All I know is that I am feeling pretty damn wore out mentally. 

Also, even though I plan to write about it more in the morning, I need to note how my friend, BBC, will be absent for a spell.  He is planning the start of a journey that will keep him away from the Internet for a while.  I hope that the time away is brief, for I enjoy his perspective, his humor, and his insights. 

PipeTobacco

Sunday

As Billy Pilgrim said on Friday's post, I should reply more to my comments and I shall endeavor to do so as I renew my writing efforts.  

We actually had weather in the 60s today, which was wonderful and pretty damn amazing.  I actually took two walks today.  My morning walk with my dog at 5 am and another one at about 3:30 pm. There were a lot of folks out at 3:30.  

Today was a pretty decent day.  

PipeTobacco

Readings at Mass

From the Gospel reading this weekend:

Thomas, called Didymus, one of the Twelve,
was not with them when Jesus came.
So the other disciples said to him, “We have seen the Lord.”
But he said to them,
“Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands
and put my finger into the nailmarks
and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

I need to work at not being a doubter in life.  It does me no good to doubt or question things.  I would be better off just going with the flow and not struggling as I do.  Why am I like Thomas, always doubting, always questioning, always fearing?

PipeTobacco

Friday

Today has been a bit up and down for me in regards to emotions.  I have been fighting the negative feelings and trying to stay focused on working hard and on doing what I should do.  I did get a fair amount of work done and feel close to feeling caught up on things.  But, that of course may be only a pipe dream.  But, I was a real worker bee today.

I want to switch to feeling good and content all the time.  It is an uphill battle, but I am persevering. 

My elderly in-laws are out of town today, so I will not be going there to talk, have a pipe and have a few libations with my elderly father-in-law.  It would be nice, but alas it is not to be today. 

PipeTobacco

Who Am I?

I took an on-line quiz a while ago and here are the findings:

I often feel tired or have low-energy
I find myself getting angry, irritated, restless, or frustrated easily
I think I’ve lost my sense of humor
I often feel ashamed
I lose my temper easily
I get into a lot of arguments
I have lost interest in people and things I used to enjoy
I feel isolated
I often feel completely overwhelmed by life
I often feel guilty,
I often feel that no one cares about me
I often feel that my life is meaningless
I frequently feel sad, emotionally empty, or just can’t bring myself to care about things
I sometimes cry for no reason
I think about death frequently
I have trouble concentrating or remembering things
I have trouble making decisions or choices

The above are obviously not good.  I very much dislike who I am and how I am at the moment.  The above are NOT the way I wanted to become.  I hate this.  I detest this.

I have to screw up the energy and courage and stick-to-it-iveness  to fight back against this b*llsh*t.  I have to treat the above assinine thoughts and feelings like an enemy that needs to be annihilated.  It seems impossible to do, but I have to fight back against those feelings so I can feel content and at peace again.  I miss who I used to be.  I want to be him again.

PipeTobacco

treat

I frequently feel tired or have low-energy

I find myself getting angry, irritated, restless, or frustrated easily

I think I’ve lost my sense of humor

I find myself spending a lot of time at work as a way of avoiding doing other things

I drink too much or abuse drugs or prescription medication

I take unnecessary risks (such as driving too fast, extreme sports, or unprotected sex)

I often feel ashamed

I don’t take good care of myself or go to the health care provider even when I know there’s something wrong

I lose my temper easily or have been verbally or physically abusive to someone close to me

I get into a lot of arguments

I have a history of broken relationships

I can’t seem to stay at a job more than a year

I have lost interest in people and things I used to enjoy (such as work, activities, friendships, and sex)

I have sleep problems (either falling asleep, getting up early and not being able to get back to sleep, or oversleeping)

I feel isolated and avoid spending time with family and friends

I often feel completely overwhelmed by life

I often feel guilty, that no one cares about me, or that life is worthless

I have lost a lot of weight recently without trying

I am frequently late to work, school, or appointments

I frequently feel sad, emotionally empty, or just can’t bring myself to care about things

I sometimes cry for no reason

I think about death or killing myself

I have trouble concentrating or remembering things

I have trouble making decisions or choices

People describe me as cold or aloof

I have few or no close friends

My children are afraid of me

I have frequent headaches, chronic pain, or stomach trouble that doesn’t seem to ever go away and doesn’t respond to ordinary treatment.

- See more at: http://www.toughtimessd.org/get-informed/symptoms#sthash.u64Kzd8k.dpuf

frequently feel tired or have low-energy

I find myself getting angry, irritated, restless, or frustrated easily

I think I’ve lost my sense of humor

I find myself spending a lot of time at work as a way of avoiding doing other things

I drink too much or abuse drugs or prescription medication

I take unnecessary risks (such as driving too fast, extreme sports, or unprotected sex)

I often feel ashamed

I don’t take good care of myself or go to the health care provider even when I know there’s something wrong

I lose my temper easily or have been verbally or physically abusive to someone close to me

I get into a lot of arguments

I have a history of broken relationships

I can’t seem to stay at a job more than a year

I have lost interest in people and things I used to enjoy (such as work, activities, friendships, and sex)

I have sleep problems (either falling asleep, getting up early and not being able to get back to sleep, or oversleeping)

I feel isolated and avoid spending time with family and friends

I often feel completely overwhelmed by life

I often feel guilty, that no one cares about me, or that life is worthless

I have lost a lot of weight recently without trying

I am frequently late to work, school, or appointments

I frequently feel sad, emotionally empty, or just can’t bring myself to care about things

I sometimes cry for no reason

I think about death or killing myself

I have trouble concentrating or remembering things

I have trouble making decisions or choices

People describe me as cold or aloof

I have few or no close friends

My children are afraid of me

I have frequent headaches, chronic pain, or stomach trouble that doesn’t seem to ever go away and doesn’t respond to ordinary treatment.

- See more at: http://www.toughtimessd.org/get-informed/symptoms#sthash.u64Kzd8k.dpuf

frequently feel tired or have low-energy

I find myself getting angry, irritated, restless, or frustrated easily

I think I’ve lost my sense of humor

I find myself spending a lot of time at work as a way of avoiding doing other things

I drink too much or abuse drugs or prescription medication

I take unnecessary risks (such as driving too fast, extreme sports, or unprotected sex)

I often feel ashamed

I don’t take good care of myself or go to the health care provider even when I know there’s something wrong

I lose my temper easily or have been verbally or physically abusive to someone close to me

I get into a lot of arguments

I have a history of broken relationships

I can’t seem to stay at a job more than a year

I have lost interest in people and things I used to enjoy (such as work, activities, friendships, and sex)

I have sleep problems (either falling asleep, getting up early and not being able to get back to sleep, or oversleeping)

I feel isolated and avoid spending time with family and friends

I often feel completely overwhelmed by life

I often feel guilty, that no one cares about me, or that life is worthless

I have lost a lot of weight recently without trying

I am frequently late to work, school, or appointments

I frequently feel sad, emotionally empty, or just can’t bring myself to care about things

I sometimes cry for no reason

I think about death or killing myself

I have trouble concentrating or remembering things

I have trouble making decisions or choices

People describe me as cold or aloof

I have few or no close friends

My children are afraid of me

I have frequent headaches, chronic pain, or stomach trouble that doesn’t seem to ever go away and doesn’t respond to ordinary treatment.

- See more at: http://www.toughtimessd.org/get-informed/symptoms#sthash.u64Kzd8k.dpuf

How? How to Be A Better Person?

I very sincerely and very truly want to be a better person.  Yet, one challenge is that there are so damn many things about myself that need fixing:

1.  I smoke a pipe.
2.  I get annoyed at people too easily at times.
3.  I sometimes am short tempered.
4.  I do not do enough to help others.
5.  I do not use my time efficiently to get more done.
6.  I am lazy.
7.  I frequently fail at doing things I set my mind to doing.
8.  I more and more often am feeling like "I don't give a damn" about anything. 
9.  I often feel things are hopeless, when I should know they are not, and that is a part of my piss-poor attitude. 
10.  I am a slob lately.  My office, my lab... both are disheveled and messy as hell.  I have for the last several weeks gone almost 10 days between intervals when I shave the neckline of my beard... which is not a good thing as it is rather beyond what could be kindly coined "heavy growth" by the time I do end up shaving the neckline. 

This is just a short list.  I could and should probably list another 100 or more things.  But right now I am feeling #8.... basically I don't really give a damn if I list anything else right now.  It is a really piss poor attitude and I am pretty damn tired of it.  But, it is currently where I am at.  And, I am at a loss on how to begin to change it.

PipeTobacco

Easter

Today is Easter Sunday, and in observation of that special day, I am going to simply state how I appreciate all of my readers and commenters.  I know I am fortunate to have you here.  I will be working diligently to become a better person in the next year.  I have so very many failings, but I know that if I work harder and more vigorously, I can improve and become a better person. 

PipeTobacco

Reading... What Am I? Pizza Dough, or Whole Wheat Bread?

From the Mass Readings for today:

Do you not know that a little yeast leavens all the dough?
Clear out the old yeast,
so that you may become a fresh batch of dough,
inasmuch as you are unleavened.
For our paschal lamb, Christ, has been sacrificed.
Therefore, let us celebrate the feast,
not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness,
but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.

If I take this analogy to heart, am I going to be a lazy ass, fool.... being akin to unleaven bread?  Will I simply keep smoking my pipe because it is easier than stopping?  Or will I aspire (rise) to a new way of being.  Am I tough enough?  Am I smart enough.

I do not know.

PipeTobacco

Good Friday

With today being good Friday, I had (many weeks ago) envisioned myself being in the same sort of frame of mind I was last Good Friday, where I had just completed 6 weeks of smoking my pipe ONLY once or twice on a Friday after having a few drinks, but NO OTHER TIME during the week.   I had hoped that would be the start of a new pattern in my life, but unfortunately following Lent it was short lived. 

Well, my plan to fast this Lent never took off the ground.  I am still smoking my pipe like usual.  But, I seriously think I should change this.  But, I very literally do not seem to have the gumption, guts, or willingness to make a go of it. 

The fact that I am so damn lazy and unwilling to work to accomplish quitting or going back to only 1 or 2 pipes while drinking is something I feel is rather pathetic and I am not proud of. 

I will see if I can come up with some way to do it.

PipeTobacco

Changing?

I saw a student at the U the other day, and he was standing outside one of the buildings, smoking a cigarette.  I was surprised at myself because my immediate thought was "Geez, that kid should not do that, and he should  not be so stupid."

That thought surprised me.  For all my life, I have not had a negative thought towards people smoking if that is what they choose to do.  To have that thought occur truly did surprise me.  I have been thinking about it on-and-off ever since.  When I have been smoking my pipe, I realize, I have been thinking of myself as a stupid fool and idiot also, at least for the last several months.

I am thinking I do want to quit smoking a pipe for good.  I have not done so.  Now, how to reconcile what I want to do with what I actually do.

PipeTobacco