Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone.

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Suicide is Hard

Suicide is something that affects a family forever.  It never goes away.  It does not change.  It shapes survivors in ways that they do not want to be shaped.  It hurts those you love.

Twenty five years ago, my family experienced a suicide.  We have never been the same.  I miss how we were.

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Stumbled Upon This

I stumbled upon the above image while looking around a bit on-line.  It is a fellow who is holding a variety of tobacco leaves that he had grown in his home garden and was currently in the midst of harvesting, drying and curing the leaves. 

For a few years, I had contemplated taking a try at growing some tobacco in my home garden, or more likely due to their having a larger yard and larger garden space, the home garden of my in-laws.  My father-in-law and I talked about and discussed this a few times, and we had a firm plan to buy some seed and plant it early indoors in the Spring before transplanting it into the garden for the Summer sun.   We unfortunately made that plan a few months before he died.  It would have been fun to try. 

With my having given up my pipes closing in upon two years ago.... this is one dream that has FIGURATIVELY gone up in smoke. 

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Raspberry

A rasp is coarse form of file used for coarsely shaping wood or other material. Typically a hand tool, it consists of a generally tapered rectangular, round, or half-round sectioned bar made of steel  of with distinct, individually cut teeth.

 The raspberry is the edible fruit of a multitude of plant species in the genus Rubus of the rose family.  Raspberries are perennials with woody stems.  The shape and texture of their fruit gives us the reason why they are called RASPberries.

Sometimes, when I am aggravated, it feels to me as if someone is using rasp on me and trying to grind me away into nothingness. 

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Flu Shot?

I am not sure what is going on, but I am not in the best of spirits at the moment.  I feel cranky, upset, moody, hurt emotionally, tired and annoyed.  The last few days have not been great.... I have had to work through ~200 student's grades.... and have had about 35 - 40 e-mails to reply to from students who were not pleased with the grade they had earned.  My wife is fairly obsessed with focus about phones at the moment and she keeps pushing at me in ways I do not want to be pushed, so we had a bit of an argument about that.  I also received my flu vaccine a few days ago, so I may be having a bit of a reaction to that as my immune responses build up and the t-cells and b-cells proliferate.  The band I play in had its final concert of the season and usually afterwards we go out and have a drink or two.  But, I just went home after the concert as I was too grumpy and aggravated about phones to go.  I was so aggravated and uptight last night that after I got home, I skipped dinner and went to bed, as my stomach was in knots from being hurt and frustrated.

Well, that is my current state of affairs.  About the only "good" thing is that on Monday I *did* run my damn 10K (6.2 miles) and today I did the usual 5 miles.   Today, especially was a difficult one for me in terms of running.   I *did not* want to run this morning.  My body was emotionally spent.  I was hungry.  I was angry.  But, I did force myself to do the whole damn thing.

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Surprise Saturday Post

Although it is not my usual behavior to post on a Saturday, today is an exception.  It is an exception because it is the date of a milestone of sorts.  It has been now 22 months since I began abstaining from my beloved pipes and pipe tobaccos.

I *should* be feeling exuberant and ebullient about having accomplished such a task.  I feel that way with running milestones I reach.  I *could* take pride and satisfaction in testing myself to go beyond what I thought were limits in myself.  I do feel pride and satisfaction in my successful weight loss.

But, truth be told... deep inside, the best I am able to muster about this “accomplishment” is indifference.  And, feeling indifferent does often take a lot of work and energy.  This is because to this day, I often do not feel indifferent.... I feel loss.

Yet, at the very same time... I can wrangle my mind into seeing me from an “outsider’s perspective” meaning I can see in my mind’s eye how suggesting I “feel loss” may readily appear as if I am overdramatizing, or being melancholic.... believe me.... for those of you who think this..... I know, and I can understand how it may legitimately appear that way.

Loss though, seems deep inside my mind, to be a truthful and collective  rendering of the sensations and emotions that roil through the wiring.   And, I often wonder if this is as good as it “gets” for this sort of endeavor, or if I persevere, will a time someday arrive where I will be relishing the increasing temporal milestones?

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Procrasting Donkey Submission

There is a poetry site called Procrastinating Donkey that is written by Jenny-O that I enjoy reading.   Even though I am not a poet by any sense of the word, I decided to try to write a poem based upon her weekly prompt.  This week it was "Phone".  Here is my attempt:

ODE TO THE PHONE

Within the life of humans,
communication is key.

To live a life unfettered,
it is not of ONE, but WE.

The phone, it is a tool,
that we can use and can rule.

To allow communication,
and to even promote puns.

But, for some, the phone,
is not a tool, but a bone.

A bone of strife and contention,
when it has an Internet connection,

And is used instead to eliminate
communication with a nearby friend or mate.

In this way, it can be,
that a phone may help,

to communicate, or instead to obfuscate.

*  *  *  *  *

Yes, I know.... not particularly good.   But.... it was kind of fun to try.

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Sir Walter Raleigh

Even though the above is a modern can (the earlier style ones were even more attractive), the above image shows Sir Walter Raleigh Pipe Tobacco... the pipe tobacco that my father smoked probably 95% of the time..... and it was the brand of pipe tobacco I first "borrowed" a bit of to learn the beauty of pipe smoking.  

It is truly beautiful in all regards.  

I miss it.  But, hell, I miss Prince Albert as well, and I miss the more exotic "fancy" varieties I have indulged in from various nicer pipe shops as well.   

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Cookie Monster

I have a trememdous fondness for traditional Christmas Cookies.  By this I mean the tender, soft, pliable sugar cookie (sometimes with a bit of lemon) that has a thick slathering of frosting on it as well as other decorations.

My wife is not particularly into home made cookies much these days.   If she makes any cookies around the holidays, they are usually pre-made, bake-able cookies.  Unfortunately, this time of the year at the U is sadly far too hectic and busy for me to waddle and wade through home-made cookie baking myself.

But.... there is ONE PLACE.... one of the venues the community band I am a member of plays at.... this one venue.... always gives us a treat of plates of home made Christmas Cookies to eat after we perform.  And, they are so damn delicious, that even though I know better, most years I eat three or sometimes even four of them while I am there.

Do not get me wrong.... a lot of the venues we play at do provide us refreshments of one sort or another after we perform.  But most places offer us pre-made cookies, or donuts, or other such things.

This one, wonderful, venue gives us HOME MADE cookies.  

So, so, so very good!  We played there this past Monday.   The memories of each of the four cookies I ate.... their delicate textures and robust flavors still linger in my cortical architecture in such delightful ways.   I will continue to remember them fondly.

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Nigel Bruce

Even though there are variations in the portrayal of Dr. Watson in the "Sherlock Holmes" series of books and films and television programs.... I have always felt a kinship, even when I was a young kid watching the films with Nigel Bruce's version of Dr. Watson. 

Some "purists" feel that Bruce's portrayal "diminish" the intellectual nature of Doyle's rendering of Watson.  However, I vehemently disagree. 

I believe Bruce's character of Watson, was in fact, exceedingly intelligent, but more important than his intelligence was his demeanor.... Bruce's portrayal was of the kindest, gentlest, most gentlemanly Dr. Watson of the entire lot.  Some folks highlight the idea that Bruce's "Watson" was a befuddled sort, and was silly.   Again, I disagree.   He may have appeared a bit "out of focus" at times, but I find that to be endearing, and a general characteristic seen in a great many kind individuals.  I also do not think he was "silly" per-say..... instead, I feel his behaviors and actions that some would classify as "silly" were more akin to a form of "self-deprecating" humor. 

For me, as I kid, I had the Bruce-version of Dr. Watson as an inspirational figure for me to attempt to be like as I matured.  There were others who influenced me similarly..... Sebastian Cabot, Paul Brinegar, and others.  

In some ways, I *do* feel my personality *is* a bit like Bruce's "Watson".... at least I like to think so.

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Half Marathon

A half marathon is 13.1 miles (21.1 km) in length.   As we get closer to the end of 2019, I find that I have been able to successfully run AT LEAST one 6.2 mile (10 km) run each week.   And, in fact, instead of at least one, I have often ran two, three or four 6.2 mile runs each week.

So, I am still on track to hit my goal.... at least one 6.2 mile run each week for a year.

If I do this through December 31st, I am going to make myself a t-shirt that says:

"52+ 10Ks in 2019!" and it will be my "trophy" for accomplishing this goal.

With the number of 6.2 miles I have been doing each week, my weekly mileage has inched upwards as well:

I used to aim to hit as a minimum, 28 miles (45 km) in a week.   But, I have been typically surpassing that.  My average the last several weeks has been closer to 33-34 miles (53-54 km) per week.

BUT, now I have been thinking about 2020.   I am not sure if I could do it.  But, I am contemplating this as my goal:

1.  I would like to run at least one Half Marathon (13. 1 miles (21.1 km) in one effort) each month in 2020 during my normal daily runs.

2.  I would like to enter and complete one, actual "official" Half Marathon race in 2020.

And, I would like as my prizes...... a) a t-shirt from the race for my trophy, b) a sticker like this that I could get after the official race and put on my vehicle to signify I completed a half-marathon, and c) a home made t-shirt at the end of 2020 stating "12+ Half Marathons in 2020!" or something similar.

I really do not know if I am up for this challenge or not.   Part of me would like it as my goal.  Part of me feels it is only a pipe dream.   Part of me worries I will fail.

I wonder if I will adopt this for 2020?  I figure that I am getting so damn old that if I do not do it now.... I likely could never do it.

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Roil

Well.  I did not really feel like trying to sort this all out the last several days.  I am not sure if I wish to today either, but I figure I will take a stab at it:

I remained indecisive when I drove the 45 minute drive over to the cemetery on my Father's birthday.  I had one of his pipes with me, and my pouch of pipe tobacco and lighter.  As it is that time of year, by the time I went over there, it was already starting to encroach upon dusk.

At the cemetery I sat and talked, and reminisced and had images of my father in my mind.


I did not smoke my/his pipe while there.


*  *  *  *  *

I did not smoke my pipe.   Not because I did not want to.   I was eagerly thinking about it for quite a few days, thinking it would be very nice to do.

I did not smoke my pipe.  And, I have been feeling disgruntled about it since that date.  Do not get me wrong.... I haven't been sitting around every day with these thoughts on my mind.   I did the normal things I always have to do.  But, I must state that when I would allow my thoughts to turn to pipes, I would be annoyed..... at myself.

I ended up deciding to NOT smoke my pipe at the cemetery because.... I could not do so without feeling selfish.  I have to admit to myself that my reasons for wanting to smoke a pipe at the grave site IN PART was out of a sense of tradition, and out of a sense of honoring and thinking about my father.   But, I ALSO have to admit that part of my desire to do so was my own selfish interest and desire to smoke the pipe for ME.  Perhaps that could be considered "normal" but realizing that about myself had me feel annoyed at myself, ashamed at myself, and rather p*ss*d off at myself for my inner weakness and self centered focus.

So, in order to try to salvage something from the situation, and to try to fix or at least not succumb to my own selfishness.... I told myself and forced myself to choose to NOT smoke the pipe. And, so, after sitting and thinking more about my father, and talking out loud to my father..... I ended up getting up, and simply traveling home in my truck.

*  *  *  *  *

But, I still, when I think about it, feel aggravated.... at myself... and at the situation. And, truthfully, I am also mad that I did not get to smoke my pipe.  It has taken me a while, but I do admit, that my anger/grumpiness at this situation is sort of like a young kid having a childish "tantrum".  In my mind, I was having a "trantrum" about this situation.   I did not visibly act out with family or friends (fortunately), but INSIDE I felt like I was having a tantrum whenever I would think about pipes.  Stupid.... yes..... but it was my reality.

*  *  *  *  *

For the most part, I believe I have finally let those negative emotions about that situation/decision "go".  I feel.   Even though it is exhausting to try to sort out and write this all down... I believe this will help me keep the negative emotions at bay. 

I still want to smoke a pipe.   I still think about doing so.  But, I at least can take heart that I did not use my father's birthdate as an excuse to indulge selfishly in a pipe because of my desires. 

Still... it is strange..... I would very much like to find a way to smoke a pipe at the grave site on my father's birthday... but I would need it ti be with a pure mindset of honoring him.  And, if I were to ever find the right way to indulge my innate desire for a pipe on an occasional basis, it would not bother me in the slightest that the indulgence was purely selfish and purely for me.  But the mixing of those two divergent motivations made neither motivation feel legitimate. 

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Perspective

Perspective sometimes takes time to develop. 

Perspective point #1:  I have not posted recently because I was have some significant internal conflicts relating to my pipes and also to my father's birthday.  It has taken me a while to sort through my ideas.   I am going to attempt a (likely lengthy), free-form expression of what I have been thinking about when I take a bit of time to write after my run tomorrow morning.  So, it is likely you will (if desired) be able to read more about my thoughts on this subject then. 

Perspective point #2:  I was listening to NPR yesterday when I could, to the large array of speakers at the Hearings on Impeachment.  I could not, and cannot believe how purposefully obfuscating the Republican speakers were.  It was so disheartening.  You, I, and every person on the planet outside of the foolish "Trump Base" knows that if even 1/20th (5%) of what Donald Trump has done were to have instead been done by a non-Republican president of any ilk..... every one of the Republican speakers yesterday would be bellowing about impeaching the person.

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