Not Much

 

I do not have much to say at the moment.  

I ran 14.2 miles (~23 km) on Monday (Memorial Day).

I ran 6.2 miles (10 km) this morning (Tuesday).  It was all I had time for after getting up too damn late.

We brought the plants back from the cemetery last night.  None were stolen.  

PipeTobacco

Almonds

 

• I am sitting here for a few minutes as I eat some of my lunch.  In the morning, I typically have some Greek yogurt of some sort, and perhaps about 10 almonds... in addition to my other morning foods (cut fruit, fiber cereal, a banana).  But, for some reason, I did not see the little bag of almonds this morning, but I found them as I began to eat lunch items..... now.  Almonds feel rather "decadent" for me, as they are relatively high fat (and I try to eat as low fat as possible), but I figure the fat in 10 almonds a day is not overly burdensome.  

• More drama about that which I do not talk about.  That is about all I am going to say, I guess.

• I ran 14.2 miles (~23 km) this morning so that I could finish the needed minimum of 50 miles (~80 km) for the week.  I am glad it is done.  It was a hard week for me for running with the combination of two very early and long teaching days...... which were interspersed with unpleasant emotional days. 

• Sometimes I feel quite lonely.  I dearly love my wife.... but sometimes she focuses far more on what others want her to do rather than what we want to do as a couple, or what collectively we want to do as a family.  

• Yesterday evening, I was sitting down in the late evening with her hoping to discuss what we wanted to do today and through the Memorial Day weekend.  Typically we will purchase flowers for our deceased relatives and take them to the cemetery. And, we typically also purchase our vegetables for our garden and plant our garden.  

• So, as we sat down, instead of planning out our time together..... she started talking about how she (and we) need to go to her Mom's house and cart around furniture and pack boxes because she has her siblings pressuring her to do this so her Mom's house can be put on the market.  In my wife's mind, she was thinking of doing this all weekend long.  Neither of her siblings, nor their spouses are physically capable (due to illnesses) to do any of this..... but they want it done NOW.  And, as usual, my wife responds by trying to do this..... regardless of what our plans were or what they usually would be.  I told her I was way too tired to spend the entirety of this holiday weekend over there cleaning and sorting and being a pack mule moving things.

• She also had an engagement to go to breakfast with a friend of hers this morning, and because my sister-in-law's husband left yesterday to go on some trip to see some sort of NASCAR race this weekend, my wife feels that she needs to be over at her sister's house (all the way across town) to make sure she is "ok".  

• In a way, the above may be a few things..... a) this is how my wife TYPICALLY acts when she is pressured by others..... coworkers, folks at home, various relatives near and far, and that which we do not talk about here as well..... b) this may be a "coping" mechanism she employs to not have to "deal" with that which I no longer mention. 

 

So, as is growing more common.... I am just left out in the wind with no options but to a) either go along with the plan my wife has adopted, or b) go my own way.  Both options make me feel alone.  But, I have decided to try to simply have as peaceful a weekend as I can.  When my wife is home, we can talk and do our normal things.  But, I am not planning on waiting around nor am I planning on going across town every day either.  I will just try to do my own things. I may or may not go get the flowers and vegetables, and I may or may not go plant the garden.  I will just do what I feel I can do, moment to moment.   I will likely still feel just as lonely, but I won't have the sense of frustration.  

 

PipeTobacco

 

 

 

Mega

 

Hah..... it is only a true pipe dream that the image above represents.  I have NOT won the "Mega Millions" lottery.  I would like to do so, of course.... but I do not typically gamble.  I perhaps buy a random "Mega Millions" ticket once or twice a year.... so I have a stimulus to "dream big".  

My "mega" is in reference to my being "mega-tired".  It was a very "professorial voice" heavy day.  And, six of the nine hours happened to be in a room where my "professorial voice" speaking had to be extra-ordinarily loud.... because the U was fussing around with some aspect of the heating and cooling system in the building I was teaching in.... and the room I was in was continually filled with a VERY LOUD wind noise from the ducts in the floor and ceiling during the entire time. So, in order to be heard..... I had to talk LOUDER and more animated...... so students could "get" and hopefully understand what I was talking about.  

The other three hours were in one of the big lecture halls.... so I have to be especially "big voiced" there too..... to fill the hall.  So, my voice is damn tuckered out.  

It would be extremely wonderful, terrifically lovely, and just such a "throw back" to the wonderful days of yore, those wonderful, earlier times.... for me to have an ice cold beer (or two) and a pipe (or two or three) after the amount of effort I have performed on the various professorial stages I "pontificated" from very loudly today.  

But, of course, sadly.... that is not my current modus operandi. 

* * * * *

• I was able to get 8 miles in this morning.  I was glad for at least that amount.  It was hard getting my feet on the ground this morning.  I wanted to sleep.
• Tomorrow will likely be me spending time working on a laboratory practical examination I need to develop.
• Other than the above, I am just my boring, robot-self. 

PipeTobacco 

   

RUN..... Hopefully

 

I came to work at 7:00am this morning.  I had planned to run outside this morning (starting around 6:00am because I did not have classes at the U).  But, before I headed out, I took our dog out to do her "thing".  

And.... it was damn windy...... REALLY damn windy.  I looked on my weather app and found that winds were going to vary between 20-25 miles per hour (~30-40kph) for most of the day.  

I was not "up" to running a long, long run outside with that kind of wind.  So, I came to the U early and graded the needed tests and other work.  I am now going to try to run on the track indoors.  It is not very enjoyable, but it will help me keep my miles where they need to be.  

That is about it.  I feel tired and sad.  No real use in thinking or imagining much of anything at the moment.  I am in the "robot" zone.  I feel that I am just a damn robot.  I just do things to keep things going.  I am a cog.  That is it.

PipeTobacco

Errant

 

Thank you again for the comments:

Pat:  You are correct in many ways with what you write.  It is difficult, however, when the individual is an offspring.  The other confound is that very unfortunately, my wife and I have had different parenting styles with this individual..... much to my chagrin for a whole lot of years.  In my opinion, my wife has been far more lax and "coddling" of this individual than I have been. Unfortunately, this leads this person to now be rather manipulative and rather bullying to my wife. I do not stand for this and tell the individual so.  It results in my being perceived as a hard ass.  This person rarely if ever talks with me because it is well known that I will not tolerate the behavior.  My wife unfortunately continually tries to appease the individual and the cycle begins again.  

Margaret:  Thank you.  You understand the difficult conundrum well, sad to say.... for I wish no one would experience it.

DMP:  It is always interesting to me to think of how what you say is so true.  There were so few Catholic Churches in the Southern United States that it does make sense that their already widespread distance means few if any end up closing.  

Unknown:  You have many similar thoughts as Pat.  And, they are also very valid.  It is unfortunately difficult to manage when your spouse who is also half of the "team" is on a different page than you.  And, try as I might.... my spouse's resolve and actions change moment-to-moment in this regard.  Sometimes she wants to take a more prescribed, consistent approach like I lobby for, and then the next minute she changes her mind and actions.  

* * * * * 

• Only 6.2 miles this morning (10 km).... overslept like I should not have.  It is frustrating.
• My teaching voice is very, very tired now.  
• I have been trying to see if my wife will want to swim now that I am done for the day.  I have not heard back yet.  If she does not want to go, I think I NEED to still go... even though it will be by myself.  
• I am still wishing for a pipe.  Yet, there seems to be nothing really to say.

PipeTobacco 

 

Dal

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words to me after Friday's post.  I am still emotionally not where I want to be. But, I am not sure if that is even possible at this time.  But, I want to assure you that your kindnesses to me did help a great deal:

Pat:  I can understand how just simply ending my pipe fast could be viewed in a way as akin to a priest being released from his vows.  I have thought about that, believe me.  I am just not sure if I simply gave up and went back to them..... if I would feel the beautiful joy of my pipes and pipe tobaccos again, or if I would just feel guilt, shame, and worry.  The Chicago experience was sublime and damn near perfect.... I did feel joy, did feel all the pleasure of the pipe smoking experience, and I felt no guilt, no shame, and no worry.  It was everything I would like in my pipe smoking.

Margaret:  I am glad that you believe me to be a good person.   I believe I do TRY to be a good person.  But, I also do think I mostly fall short of what I should be.  It is a feeling I always have....but sometimes I am able to shove it into a corner, "out-of-sight" so-to-speak so I do not think about it.  

Anvilcloud:  I do try to be productive.... as one way to attempt to do as much good as I can.  I wish I could feel a sense that I was able to be productive enough to be helpful.  Your birdbath photos were a true bright spot in my day and I thank you for them. 

Pam:  I do not think your comment was rude at all.  I think there is a possibility I may have some form of depression.  But, then again, I am not sure if I would be classified as such.  And yet, the harder question is.... if I have some form of depression, is it situational (based on very sh*tty things that are happening) or is it a more organic (internal) depression?  Depending upon if it is situational or organic, the potential treatment options could vary.  

Peppy:  Thank you.  I have thought about therapy at times.  The one biggest challenge against therapy for me is finding TIME.  I struggle with finding time for a whole helluva lot of things I want or should do.  

* * * * *

So, the weekend was an emotional roller-coaster.  Both for me and for my wife.  My wife especially, has been having a hard time with the potential closure of our Parish Church.  She grew up there.  I am sad as well, but for me,  I worry more about the scattering of our family of parishioners.  The potential loss of our community is what saddens me.   

But, added to that, we had a celebration of sorts where we invited all our available kids to go with us to eat at an Indian Restaurant near us that has brought back their lunch buffet during the last month.  Like virtually all restaurants during Covid, buffets and salad bars were verbotten.  But now that the situation has stabilized,  some places are bringing back buffets and salad bars.  My wife and I were excited to have the Indian Buffet return. I was especially excited to have their Chana masala (curried chickpeas), their Palak Paneer (a spinach dish), and their amazingly aromatic and beautifully textured Dal (lentils).  Their butter chicken was especially wonderful too.  

At the Buffet, things were going well, and we had good conversation.  Until, the end, that is.  Near the time when most of us were getting close to finishing our meal, the person I try to no longer talk about here became a, for want of a better term..... the usual "crab ass" this person regularly becomes and starts complaining about "Are we going to get out of here, yet?"  The attitude, the demeanor.... the sh*tty facial expressions..... just turned our meal into simply indigestion.  I bit my lip because I was (and still am) angry about this attitude.  

My wife's typically response to the above crap going on from the person we no longer talk about here.... is to sleep.  She slept for about 3 hours in the late afternoon.  I laid with her for the first half hour or so, but I did not want to have trouble falling asleep last night, so I got up and did some cleaning.  It was not really the Sunday I had hoped for.  

• I ran 15 miles (~24 km) this morning.  The run was "ok" overall.  I did not really WANT to run 15 miles this morning.  I did so, to try to give myself a bit of leeway this week for running outside is a challenge on Tuesday and Thursday when I have to be to the U BEFORE 8:00am.  In order to get in enough miles, I have to try to get as many as I can because Tuesday and Thursday mornings have been so "iffy" in terms of the mileage I get.  
• A distant cousin of my wife's side of the family passed away during last week.  They had the visitation and funeral early on Sunday.  I found that rather odd.  I had never attended a Sunday funeral before. 

PipeTobacco 

Cerulean

 

I am not in a great mood.  Nothing is actually "wrong" per say..... but nothing feels interesting, exciting, pleasant, nor relaxing.  I feel sheer exhaustion, and I feel blue (cerulean):

• Ran 6.2 miles (10 km) to reach my 50 miles in a week (~80.5 km), weekly goal.  Typically, I would feel AT LEAST a sense of relief that I accomplished this goal... on Friday and would have two days "off" from running.  But, today, I do not seem to care.
• Had a Department Meeting about assessment.  Nothing horrible happened.  But, the three hours of that meeting DRAINED my soul of any sense of purpose, goals, hopes, dreams.  It was three hours of discussions about how to assess our majors.  There were more opinions, more ideas from every direction imaginable.... it seemed there were more ideas than the number of atoms in the universe.
• In this meeting, there was no sequential thought.  There was no cohesion.  There were no insights.  There were no conclusions.  There were no decisions.  There was just folks spewing out words... words of chaos, like a thirty minute discussion/debate over the terms "learning objectives" and "learning outcomes" where the "discussion" undulated back and forth at least half a dozen times on whether those two terms were "the same thing" or if they were "obviously, distinctly different 'concepts'".  To my manner of thinking they are both terms of "1984-esque" double-speak nonsense and neither has any merit or use in anything meaningful regarding education.  Both are simply jargon-style words designed to create work that is unnecessary and unfruitful for getting students to learn.... and both are simply terms that play into the fallacy that professors need to objectify and justify any thing they attempt to teach in the classroom.  But, "learning objectives" and "learning outcomes" were just two of the MANY OTHER nonsense terms bandied about across the three hours of torture.
• I am stuck in a no-win situation with regards to pipes too, I have come to realize.  I want to smoke my pipes.  But, I also know that if I simply did so today... say here at work, or at home perhaps on the back porch.... that I would not have the glee, would not have the joy, would not have the pleasantness envelope me.  Instead, all I would feel is guilt, and worry, and shame.  Shame for not doing what I said I would do.  Worry for what would be next? Guilt for not being the truthful person who follows through on things that I strive to be.  It would be a so, so very different.... and also a hard experience, and why the hell would I want that?  It would not be like it was in Chicago.  Somehow there, I was able to recapture that joy, that feeling of self, that feeling of my identity... without worry, without shame, without guilt. It was truly magical.  I felt 30 years younger.  But, I can sense that would not be how I would feel if I were to have a pipe today.  
• Our diocese, like most dioceses nationwide (and globally) is experiencing a priest shortage.  In our diocese, the powers-that-be have dealt with this shortage by combing some parishes and closing others.  There is a very strong potential that my parish may be shuttered due to the shortage.  This is the parish my wife has known her whole life, and it is the parish I moved to and joined when I married her.  If the closure does occur, it will be devastating for my wife.  It will hurt me greatly, with the scattering of decades known friends across to other parishes in the community.  If it closes, the sense of family loss will be strong.   
• I SHOULD be working hard on getting more of my class materials ready for next week.  But, I do not want to.  I SHOULD be cleaning and organizing my laboratory, but I do not want to.  I SHOULD write e-mails, paper letters, and letters of recommendation I need to do, but I do not want to. I SHOULD be working on cleaning the garage, and cleaning the basement, but I do not want to. I SHOULD be trying to be a better person.  I SHOULD be kinder. I SHOULD be more caring.  I SHOULD be more patient.  I SHOULD be stronger emotionally and physically than I am.  I SHOULD be a better father, better husband, better sibling, better friend, better teacher.  I SHOULD be millions of things I am not.
  
• I feel emotionally dead inside.  I feel nothing I do is of value.  I feel no sense of purpose.  I feel no understanding of how to be.  

But... what is there to do about it?  Not a damn thing.  All I can do is to try as best as I can to carry on.  Right now is very unpleasant.  It is exhausting.  I just have to keep trying to push through.  Eventually, perhaps, it will let up and I can feel and sense a metaphorical sunshine again.  But, it is very difficult to believe this, sometimes.

PipeTobacco  

Done Yammering

 

 

I am finally done yammering in my loud, professorial voice through the weekend!  Yea-ha!  Do not get me wrong... I absolutely love teaching.  But.... the 8:00am - 5:30pm nearly non-stop stretch of big voice speaking..... is damn tiring.  Luckily it only happens once a year during this accelerated Summer session.  During the normal parts of the year, I do just as much of my yammering.... but it is spaced out differently in a way that is not as "intensive."  

A couple of small highlights of my yammering today revolved around:

1.  A description of the physiological factors revolving around the  growth and development of the five layers of the epidermis.  

2.  A lecture about the evolutionary origins of mammalian fur, with emphasis on different types of fur by texture and anatomy, mechanisms behind coloration of fur.... and an emphasis on reminding folks that humans ARE mammals and that we are fur covered (hair... is fur)... and a discussion about the rudimentary hair (vellum hair) that covers much of the human body (and the elephant body).  And, I even discussed how folks with "male pattern baldness" (both men and women can have this), actually STILL have a full scalp of hair.... just of the vellum type.  

3.  A discussion/lecture about our physiological understanding of why humans exhibit a range of different melanin levels worldwide.  

The above are a few of the highlights of my lectures.  I talked about many other things as well.  

• I was able to only get in 7 miles (~11 km) this morning.  I was a lazy lout and did not get up when I should have and needed to.... in order to get in the mileage I had determined I should have ran this morning.  I had to push my time to get in 7 miles.... and I arrived at my classroom only 4 minutes before class was to start. 
• I am getting frustrated at myself for NOT being able to get up when I determine I need to.  The last few weeks, I have been resisting obeying my alarm clocks and sometimes stay in bed anywhere from 30 - 60 more minutes than I should.  It is a very poor and foolish choice on my part. 
• I am giving up on my PCS score for a while.  It seems to not be helping me to better understand my situation.  I had hoped that I would learn how to be a better, more careful, reliable person through the use of the PCS score.
• One bright spot.... it seems my dreams ARE being better remembered by me lately.  My latest dream was another beautiful pipe dream, and in this dream, I was a very young self.... probably ~16 years old.  It was a hot, scorching, and incredibly humid Summer day.  I was sitting/laying on a platform that had been part of a treehouse... the walls of the treehouse were down, but the platform I had built was still high up in the tree.  I was lounging up there, and was reading for the first time, one of my favorite science fiction books..... "Brave New World" by Huxley.  I could hear a lot of cicadas all around.  I could smell the intensity of the growing woods in some fashion... the heat seemed to make all the plants more "robust".  In the dream I watched myself reading that amazing book, and smoking a number of bowls of Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco while reading.  Smoking my pipe while reading enhanced my imagination, and I could envision a film of the images in the book splay through my mind as I read.  It was a magical afternoon.... with a broadening of my mind... and reliving that as a dream..... just so pleasant. The pipe truly enhanced every moment of my reading experience of this.... one of the most amazing works I have ever read.  
  

 PipeTobacco    

Miscellaneous Grumblings

 I apologize.... I am not feeling overly "cheerful" this morning.  So.... it is going to be just a bunch of grumblings:

• Last evening, my wife had to undergo a "Sleep Study".  This necessitated her driving to a nearby town, and staying there overnight with wires attached all over her body (especially her head and face).  Medical folks are suspicious because of her BMI, her Type 2 Diabetes, her neuropathy, and her snoring that she may have sleep apnea.  As a physiologist..... I think there is a 98+% chance she has sleep apnea, and I have suggested this to her for the better part of a decade.  
• While I am supportive of her finally being assessed.... it was lonely and boring last evening.
• I tried to make the best of it....... I unfroze and heated up a container of our "Tofu Curry" and had it with rice...... and a big bowl of mixed vegetables (roughly a pound's worth (~1/2 kg)).... and a salad bigger than my head.  
• I also had a huge bowl (~ 12 inches across by 8 inches deep) of popcorn (air popped).  I also decided... because I was a "bachelor" for the evening to drink a beer.  In the refrigerator, I found we had several bottles of an IPA we had purchased around the Halloween and Thanksgiving time periods... so we would have some beer on hand for guests through the various October, November, December, and January holidays.  
• While the IPA tasted quite wonderful.... it was an unwise choice.... its flavor and the gentle relaxation of the spirits of it hearkened back an array of memories of spending time with my father-in-law..... AND stirred up quite robust feelings and desires to have one, two, three.... or more pipes.  I had to actually struggle quite significantly with myself to resist the urge to go to my den and grab a pipe and one of the pouches of pipe tobacco. 
• I watched an episode of my 1960s television favorite, Mannix .  As always, the detective drama was fun and interesting.  And, I greatly enjoyed seeing in pristine shape all the beautiful vehicles of that era.  And, there was quite a fair amount of folks smoking in the episode.... including one fellow with a pipe.  
• Instead of struggling to keep from smoking my pipes, I simply went to bed early.  I read a bit more in the Harry Bosch novel I am currently working through.  The link I provided is about the character, but ignore the photograph of the fellow there who is the actor who played Harry Bosch in the television series.... he is no Harry Bosch.  The television series is an underwhelming imitation of the character in the book.  Harry Bosch has the "traditional" police-man style mustache as well, which that actor chose to not adopt in his attempt to portray the iconic Harry Bosch.
• Because I was so damn lazy yesterday and slept too long so that I could not get hardly any miles in... I made damn sure I got up early this morning.  I had three alarms set (wind up clock, electric alarm clock, and my phone alarm.  And, I made sure two of the three would force me to get up out of bed and purposely need walk a fair distance....to turn the damn things off.  
• To atone for my sloth-like limited running yesterday, I forced my tired, old body to run 15 miles (~24 km) this morning.  I was up early enough that I had to wear my spotlight for the first hour as well to try to avoid sidewalk and path hazards.  
• When I got to work, I had to argue with the folks in the U Bookstore and also write a few very pointed e-mails because I have been dealing with a horrendous issue with them regarding my students.  The damn bookstore did not order enough copies of one of the textbooks for my course that students need.... and the damn U Bookstore is the sole source for this book.  With the accelerated Spring/Summer semester, students who were unable to get this book are already falling behind.   In a rather "detailed" fashion, I told the bookstore that they needed to immediately call the book publisher and PAY the extra fees to have the publisher ship around a dozen copies of the book OVERNIGHT to them so the students would not be further disadvantaged.  We shall see how that goes this afternoon.  I may have to forward the correspondence to others in the U community to get a response.... not sure yet.  
• The part that riles me up about the bookstore is that I have told them IN ADVANCE.... many months in advance, and repeated several times in the last several weeks about how this book is essential and they needed the maximum number of these books because the class would fill completely.  But of course, the damn bookstore DID NOT do this.
• PCS = not sure I should even report this anymore.  
• I want to smoke a pipe.  I am very tired of NOT smoking a pipe.

PipeTobacco

Tired

 

Today was a big dissection lab in two of my sections.   People enjoyed the experience but it was exhausting.  

I am tired out from all the lecturing and "labbing" I did.

I awoke late and was only able to get in 6.2 miles  (10 km) before I had to go to work.  I was frustrated with myself for oversleeping and was feeling quite annoyed with myself.  

Unfortunately, another meeting at 6:30pm tonight.  Not a regular thing, but a "special event" meeting.  I am very tired.  

PCS - no score.  The thought of a pipe sounds exquisite, but I have no damn way to figure out how to get there safely, other than traveling to a distant land (like the Chicago Trip).  It is disheartening.  I still want to kick myself for my stupidity in regards to Des Moines.

PipeTobacco

Hooves & Apatow

Working hard on a variety of tasks.  Lab related things, class related things, and more.  

• I ran 17.3 miles today (~28 km).  
• I actually had planned to only run 14 miles (~22 km), but..... when I left off to hoof out my miles, I did like I ALWAYS do.... I left the back door of the garage UNLOCKED.... because carrying keys is not easy nor comfortable to do while running.  My wife knows this.  
• Unfortunately, my wife took out our dog before she left (She NEVER does this normally, but did so today.  Usually, I take our dog out after I return from my run.).  She was not thinking and locked the door, took the dog back into the house, and then left for the day.  
• I finished up my 14 miles, stretched outside, and then proceeded to the backdoor to.... of course.... find it locked!  I grumbled a varied assortment of cuss words under my breath.  
• There was no way in hell for me to get into the house.  I was going to also miss a damn meeting a the U.  I immediately TEXTED my wife that she needed to come home to unlock the door she had locked on me.  I purposefully texted so I would NOT TALK with her where she would then hear the grumpiness in my voice.
• I then texted the folks I was supposed to meet with and told them that I was locked out of the house and would not make the meeting. They chuckled (in text).  I could understand why they laughed.... but I was not amused at that moment.   
• I was feeling annoyed and grumpy, but I did not want to have this develop into something it did not need to be.... so then I texted my wife that I was going to run some additional miles since I was waiting to get in the house.  I then asked her to please text me when she had unlocked the door.  
• So, I ended up running an additional 3.3 miles (17.3 total; ~28km).  By the time I got back, I had RAN the annoyance and grumpiness out of my system.... and my wife was not there, as she went back to work.  
• So, I saved us from  a grumpy encounter that need not happen.  

We went to see a play this past Saturday night.  It was called "First Date" and so we were expecting a "romantic comedy" sort of production.  Which it was..... BUT.... UNFORTUNATELY.... in the "current/trendy/"annoying" style of a popular film maker/director who IN MY OPINION, ruined comedic movies and romantic comedy movies in particular..... Judd Apatow.  

Judd Apatow has produced many, many popular films..... but the major takeaway I get from films of his that I have (unfortunately) seen is that he is a HUGE fan of "gross humor", "coarse humor", "graphic sex humor" which TO ME is tiring, not enjoyable, and in my opinion, detracts from story telling.  You may know some of his films and may have seen some.  Here are a few I have unfortunately seen:

"Forty Year Old Virgin"

"Knocked Up"  I actually DID NOT see this one, the title was too off-putting for me to even consider.

"This is 40"

"Trainwreck"

So, you get the idea..... unfortunately this "First Date" play was written in the same coarse, gross, graphic fashion as a Judd Apatow film.  Even though there were a few glimmers of fun aspects of the play, overall my wife and I were both very disappointed, as was apparently the rest of the audience, most of whom were grey-hairs like me and my wife.  There was nary a hint of giving any sort of standing ovation at the end.... a rarity with live theater in my neck of the woods.  The play was rather too coarse and off-putting. 

As you can recognize.... I do not consider Judd Apatow to be a valuable film maker.  I have learned that if I hear his name involved in a film... I should avoid it like the plague.  And, please do not suggest I am just an "old fuddy-duddy".... even though I am old...and admittedly frumpy.... that is not the issue.  I believe films can be a whole helluva lot better than what Apatow puts out.  I actually think some of the stories and plots of the above four films have merit... and COULD make valuable movies.... but I think the heavy handed coarse, graphic, and just plain nasty "humor" makes any actually interesting ideas of a story/plot dissipate.   

• PCS = strange at the moment..... I would say my score is ~7.... but it is a very gnawing, deep seven.  
  
• I had a "long form" dream that I actually remembered Saturday night into Sunday morning.  But, it was almost "science fiction-esque".  
• In my dream, I was in a rather stereotypical, brightly lit, completely white room with all white "60s era" style sci-fi type furniture.  I was seated at a long, white counter that had a conveyor belt within it.  A computer generated voice would occasionally ask me a question (sort of like HAL in "2001 A Space Odyssey" or the Drones in "Silent Running"). 
• I sat there at the counter in my current age and look.  The conveyor belt turned on, and from my left, in rolled a tray on the conveyor belt containing a pipe, a package of pipe tobacco, a lighter and a small ashtray (clear glass).  The conveyor belt stopped as the small tray was directly in front of me.  
• Sort of like a Pavlovian dog, I suppose, I could feel the saliva build in my mouth as I picked up the pipe and the pouch.  I could also feel (somehow) that my brain was being scanned by the aliens I could not see.  I (of course) filled the pipe with the beautiful brown tobacco leaf, and I used the lighter to ignite the bowl.  After about 10 minutes of contentedly smoking the pipe, a harsh bell rang, and somehow I knew to place the bowl of the pipe into the ashtray.  The conveyor belt then started again, and a glass of ice water (with many perfectly clear, exactly cube-shaped ice cubes) rolled before me.  I drank the water. Again, I could feel the scan of my brain by the aliens who I could not see. The water was refreshing.  After about 10 minutes more, the harsh bell sounded again, and I knew to place my glass of water down.  Then another tray rolled in with another pipe, pouch, lighter, ashtray.  I again in a Pavlovian way filled this pipe with leaf, and smoked again.   The pattern of pipe and water went through probably at least a dozen trials before I woke out of my dream because I needed to go to the bathroom.  
• The dream was EXTREMELY vivid.  I can still sense the textures and flavors of that whole experience.  I was not nervous about the "aliens" nor was I worried in any fashion.  I was just there, in that space.  It was pleasant.  

That is about all the time I can afford today.

PipeTobacco

Dichotomy

 

Brief today.......

• Ran 9.4 miles (~15 km) this morning.  The "stormcloud" of my mind when I awoke was focused on the hurt I and my wife felt about the drama I no longer talk about here.  However, I hoofed and pounded my body as fast and hard as I could during this run.  It was beautiful outside.  I kept trying to steer my mind into thoughts that could turn around my mindset.  I prayed the rosary, I listened to music, I thought about pipes, I looked at the beauty around me on the trails.  I dissipated SOME of my anger and hurt.  But, not all of it.  I had hoped I could get rid of all of it.
• I told my wife yesterday as we were discussing the hell I cannot talk about.... that I do not know why I am even trying to stay away from smoking my pipes.  What good is it doing me?  She was taken aback by my statement.  I think she feels similarly however, and that is why she is not even trying to do anything to control her diabetes other than her growing list of medications.  
• I have been working diligently today to get all that I could possibly get accomplished for next week's classes done.  I have turned in an exam to my secretary, I have ALL lectures up to snuff, I have written to my students a) guiding them on how to succeed now that they have a full week under their belts, I have graded and recorded the first assignment they turned in yesterday.  

PipeTobacco
 

Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk

 

Hah!  As is usual, I have talked and talked all the day long.  This is typical for my Summer schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I talk so much, that although I am tired as hell, I actually feel quite good.... and am so geared up I could continue to yammer on and on.  But, of course, so that I do not get hoarse.... I will now be far less talkative and far, far more quietly spoken for the rest of the evening.  

Teaching IS invigorating to me.  I truly enjoy teaching.  I truly enjoy my research.  I truly enjoy most of my non-Departmental service work.  The only thing I dislike about my job are a few of the folks in my Department who are rather unpleasant.  But, lately..... most of the time..... I have been successful in ignoring those individuals.  

• Because of my early start time for lecture, I only was able to get in 7.9 miles (~13 km) before I had to call it quits or risk getting to the U late.  I foolishly let myself oversleep and did not hit the pavement until 5:40am.  I tried my damnedest to get in AT LEAST 8.5 miles ( ~14 km) this morning by pushing hard as hell..... but I failed.  Truthfully, I had PLANNED to try to get in 10 miles when I set my alarm last night before bed.  But, my damn oversleeping prevented that.  
• Last night was difficult.  More unpleasant drama related to that which I do not speak about here transpired.  It was so rough, I ended up throwing out half of my dinner, as the drama ensued in the middle of dinner.  I have vowed to no longer "stress eat" which I used to do when I was very heavy.  So, in keeping with that mindset.... because I was so hurt, and angry, and stressed, I had to throw it away.  Both my and my wife's sleep was significantly altered after the torturous confrontation.   It resulted in my wife being unable to sleep, and it resulted in me being so despondent that I went to bed at the unheard of time of 9:30.   I am sure my oversleeping this morning also was a result of my not really looking forward to waking up and recalling the sh*t that transpired last night.  My wife and I both commiserated this morning about how rough it was, but also both agreed that for our own well being, we were going to try to not dwell on it.... as it does no good.  
• Regarding teaching today..... I am thankful for the teaching also as a distraction from the above.  
• I am keeping my fingers crossed that my wife will be able to go swimming with me in a few minutes.  
• I would like to have a pipe.  But, that is nothing new.  I always want to have a pipe.  PCS = 6.... probably a tad lower than yesterday just because my voice is tired.  

PipeTobacco

Mush

Unfortunately, my title is NOT about my very favorite breakfast foods (oatmeal, or similarly "mushy" cereals like Cream of Wheat, Cream of Rice, Malt-O-Meal, Coco-Wheats, Creamed Bran, or simply ANY cereal allowed to sit long enough in milk to get pleasantly soggy).  Soggy cereals are SO delicious and mouth-watering to me.  

What my title IS about, instead, is the feeling of my old mind and my old body at the moment.  Although I had no teaching responsibilities today, I still did a helluva lot of work:

1)  I ran a second 1/2 Marathon for the week, this morning.  I actually ran 13.5 miles (just shy of 22 km) this morning.  I hoofed out the door at 6:03am.  But, as I may have mentioned (not sure), I am transitioning back to outside running.  I use muscles differently running outside in the fresh air than on the track.  So, I am rather stiff and sore from the altered style of running.  I probably will be sore all week.  My legs feel like mush.

2)  I am mushy in the brain as well.  I have spent about 4.5 hours very carefully editing and critiquing the thesis for one of my research students.  It is a mind-numbing process that I am (unfortunately?) pretty damn good at..... even though my horrendous grammar and syntax here likely makes you a non-believer.  But.... it is true.  I am rather good at editing, good at smoothing language, good at converting sentences into more meaningful "scientific" statements, and good at grammar.  Please know... I am NOT that way here.  Sometimes I become quite chagrined at the atrocious way I write here sometimes.... but I consider this a place to write "off the cuff" sorts of ideas.... limited to no editing needed.  But... EDITING IS EXHAUSTING!  IT IS MIND NUMBING!  IT MAKES MY EYES TIRED TOO!

So... the above two items make me feel very oozy and mushy MENTALLY and PHYSICALLY.   I am trying to convince my wife to go swimming later this afternoon so I can (not swim, but) walk backwards in a lane of the pool for quite a while.  The coolness of the pool water is immensely refreshing, and purposefully walking backwards lets me use my leg muscles in the opposite way I do when running.... which helps them to relax and become more limber.  It also works well with my wife.... when I can convince her to go, she will walk (forward) with me and we can easily talk and chat while we share a lane..... walking back and forth, back and forth. 

PCS = 7.  In many ways, editing itself kept reminding me of my beloved pipes and array of pleasantly potent and flavorful pipe tobaccos.  Until I made the fateful decision to set aside my beautiful pipes, having a pipe, or two, or three while editing was truly a tool that helped me with focus, helped me nourish my neurons, and relaxed my spirit during this intensive activity.  

PipeTobacco  

 

Tired

 

Mega-big lecture voice since 8:00am until now (5:25pm).  I am utterly exhausted.  But, it is to be expected on the first day of the semester in Summer.  It has been like that for me for decades this time of year.  It smooths out after things get underway after a few sessions.  But, on the first day..... non-stop talking..... and LOUD, PROFESSORIAL talking.... with me trying to be as animated and intensive as possible to get the points across about how to work to be successful in these courses.

Because of the early start time of my U courses in Summer, I have more trouble getting my miles in.  I was only able to get in 7 miles this morning (~11 km) before I had to call it quits for the day so I would have enough time to get presentable for class.  

PCS = a "trifercated" score.   8 = During my run and getting ready and going to the U.  3 = During the non-stop talking in class today.  I still had some fleeting thoughts of my pipe, as they would drift in as I was prattling on about other things occasionally.  Now that I am done for the day, PCS is back to probably an 8.5.  

This is about all I can write now.  I am too tired to think of anything interesting.

PipeTobacco

Half Marathon Outside!

I did an OUTDOOR half marathon today!  I actually ran a total of 13.3 miles (~21.5 km).  It felt very nice being outside running again.  I do know I will be sore as hell tomorrow.  I usually am sore for a few days when I transition to a new running venue.  In the late Fall when I migrate inside, there is a bit of learning curve as running on the track (or treadmill) uses muscles a bit differently.  And, in the Spring when I venture back outside, there is that same sort of learning curve as I re-acclimate to outside running.  Mostly it is, I believe, from a change in stride length (I have a longer stride length out-of-doors), and also a different cadence.  

Getting my Summer class up-to-snuff.  I feel I am ready to dive in tomorrow morning.  My Summer schedule for decades has been to teach intensively on Tuesdays and Thursdays (basically from 8:00am until 5:30pm) with only ~2 or perhaps occasionally 3 - 15 minute breaks.   It is a different type of effort, for sure.  But, it is the pattern I inherited so many decades ago from my predecessor.  And, it does work.  It is nice having the M/W/F unscheduled time.  

• Had some significant frustrations with the subject I no longer discuss here during the weekend.  It put a huge damper on Sunday.
• Went to Mass on Saturday this past weekend because I was scheduled to help distribute Eucharist at that Mass.  When I arrived, the scheduled Lay Lector came over and asked if I would be willing to take over with reading the 1st and 2nd readings and Intentions at Mass for her as she had a sore knee (she is in her late 80s), so I did.  I also ended up being the altar server as the scheduled person did not show up.  It was a bit chaotic overall.  
• PCS = 8.  I have been in a perpetual mood of thinking about smoking my pipes.  I had two very pleasant dreams (that I partially recall) about smoking my pipes.  And, as odd as it sounds, after I finished praying the Rosary while I ran, I had a fair amount of time left in my run, and I spent pretty much all of it lost in thoughts and memories of pipes and pipe tobaccos I would like to smoke again.  I think the failure I had in Des Moines has been affecting me more than I realized.  That, or perhaps I am maybe just struggling to remain standing on a very slippery slope that perhaps I created for myself with the beautiful Chicago experience.  I do not really know.  

PipeTobacco

Nargile

 

I mentioned a while ago that I had been thinking about a trip I took to Austin, TX.  In looking back on it, it was a trip from what was actually 25 years ago (it did not seem that long ago).  This particular trip was a research related trip where I was presenting some of my data, and it occurred in the middle of the Summer.  

Austin, Texas is a very interesting town.  Of course, there is the University (UT Austin) where I spent much of my time at, since the meeting was hosted there.  But, Austin, for those in the know.... is a town that is very atypical for Texas.  It is a quite liberal, more forward thinking sort of town than are many of the stereotypes for Texas that many have.  

It was also a very "typical" sort of college town in many ways as well.  It was quite fun and enjoyable to meander around through town and around the outskirts of campus visiting all sorts of fun places.  

On one of the evenings at the conference, I and a few acquaintance-level friends (none of my closest friends ended up going to this meeting that year) went out to eat in the late afternoon.  We ended up finding a relatively small Turkish Restaurant (cannot unfortunately recall the name of the place).  I am not sure if all the foods they had were fully Turkish cuisine, or were a blend of traditional Turkish dishes and also other Mediterranean type dishes..... but, the food was excellent.  I especially remember how delicious a bulgar wheat salad I had there was.  I also ate a very delicious doner sandwhich.  Doner sandwhiches are something like in some ways.... a Greek gyro.  The Doner I ordered had spicy lamb on it and a whole array of vegetables.  The bread was a bit more rough-textured and rather "pita" like as opposed to the typically softer gyro style I am more familiar with for that sort of sandwhich.... but it was wonderful!

After we finished our meal, the other folks with me were interested in perusing a bit of "college bar hopping".  While I am not opposed to doing that on occasion, I was far more intrigued by the fact that this restaurant also offered nargile..... sometimes called a hookah as well.  I had never had the opportunity to experience that.  There were a number of gentlemen in a few different areas both inside the resturaunt and outside on their patio, who were smoking a shared nargaile at their table while they drank coffee, sometimes ate, and were often playing some sort of game like checkers, chess, or dominos.  

So, I told the folks I was with that I was going to stay a bit more, and that I would try to find them later.  They told me the general direction they were planning on progressing.  After we paid for our meals, the friends left, and I asked the fellow who was serving us dinner, if I could order/try a nargile.  As I am not Turkish, he raised his eyebrow a bit at me when I made my request, but he said sure. All of the fellows at the nargile tables appeared to be Turkish. He took me over to one of the tables where there was a nargile not being used, it was along a wall and the chairs were softer cushions,  almost akin to beanbag chairs.  He then showed me a list of the available types of sheesha (I gleaned quickly that this was the different types of Turkish tobaccos for the nargile they carried).  Since I had no knowledge of different types, I asked him to bring me what was most popular.  

After a bit, he came out with a clay bowl that he affixed atop of the nargile that had the Turkish tobacco in it.  The bowl was covered by foil upon which he then placed hot coals upon.  This was the traditional way that men from that region indulged in the nargile.  It was extremely flavorful.  And as a pipe smoker, I did not find it difficult to navigate at all.  It produced a different "texture" of smoke than I was familiar with from my pipe, but it was wholly pleasant. It was pleasantly relaxing too.  And, I was enjoying it greatly.  

Perhaps 15-20 minutes or so later, as I was still relaxing with the nargile, a thin, older gentleman came out from the kitchen area.  He did not speak any English, and unfortunately I do not know Turkish.  I am not certain, but I think he may have been the father of the owner of the restaurant.  He came over and nodded at me.  I smiled and nodded back.  Then he went over to another table, and brought a box of chess pieces and a nozzle with him and nodded at me again.  I had not realized it at first, but he was asking to join me at my table for a game of chess.  I nodded again. 

I was a bit nervous at first.  I am NOT a great chess player by any means.  In fact, I am probably more of a chess "stumbler" as I know well the MOVES of the pieces, but I never really envision a strategy to attack and defeat my opponent.  I usually just meander around the board much of the time.   The rather meager number of times I have won at chess makes a win seem almost happenstance. 

The older gentleman sat down, uncapped an unused side-arm on the nargile and attached his nozzle to it.  And then he opened the box of chess pieces, placing them on the checkerboard that was imbued in the tabletop.  The box also contained a small clock.  I had seen timed chess before, but had never participated in timed chess.  

As the first game progressed, I found I LIKED timed chess.... partially because I could not really spend time "overthinking" moves, and partially because the time limit made any stupid move I made.... not QUITE as stupid feeling, because I could tell myself I only had a little time to decide. :)  

Near the end of the first game, the older fellow hollered something in his native tongue back towards the kitchen, and the same server came out, this time with a pot of deep, dark Turkish coffee...  and he also  exchanged the bowl on our nargile, giving us a NEW bowlful of Turkish tobacco.  This one had a different (somewhat deeper) flavor than the first.  It too was very good.  Perhaps a bit stronger, and it had a hint of anise flavoring to it.  Very enjoyable and again quite pleasantly relaxing.  

We ended up playing a total of three games of timed chess.  I lost all three, but in one game I think I did reasonably well.  It was a wonderful way to spend time after dinner.  Even though we could not communicate with words, we enjoyed each other's company and enjoyed our games.  I was getting up to get ready to leave and I took out my wallet and motioned at the nargile in a way that suggested I wanted to pay the bill.  He waved his hand at me and shook his head, smiled and and then bowed forward just a bit.   

I thanked him.  And I slowly walked back towards campus to my room.

PipeTobacco   

A Sweet Memory

 

Yesterday evening, I consumed the last slice of the Dark Chocolate Orange my wife had given to me on Easter morning.  She has given me a Dark Chocolate Orange every year at Easter for our whole married life.  I appreciate her kindness in doing this.

When I was a very young kid (perhaps ~4 years old or so when I first remember this), I recall my Mom receiving a similar chocolate orange from my Dad at Easter.  From that earliest age that I can recall, when my Mom ate a thin, delicate slice of that candy, a very warm, joyful, and happy smile spread across her face.  I remember being either four or five and asking my Mom for a slice of this candy.  

When she gave me a piece, I tried it, and really DID NOT like it at all.  I, like most, very much liked chocolate at that young age.  And, I was anticipating the sort of taste I was used to from the candies I had experienced, like a Hershey Bar, or a Nestle Crunch Bar.  

But the Dark Chocolate Orange was.... as the name suggests.... made from DARK chocolate.  Most young kids I know even to this day dislike dark chocolate because to them it often tastes bitter.  Additionally.... the Dark Chocolate Orange.... again as the name suggests... was also infused with orange flavor as well.  Oranges were one of the very few fruits I disliked as a kid.  It was not so much the "flavor" of an orange that I did not like, but I did not like how eating an orange made my teeth feel..... odd and "funny".  

That negative "feeling" I felt from eating an actual orange seemed logical to attribute to the acidity of the fruit itself.... but.... it is actually something different.  Because, I relish eating other acidic citrus fruits..... grapefruit especially, but also limes, and lemons and even tangerines.  Even to this day, while I do now eat oranges, I still am not fond of the something in them that still makes my teeth feel "funny".   When I do eat oranges today, I almost inevitably brush my teeth shortly afterwards.  

So... back to the Dark Chocolate Orange.... when I tried the slice my Mom gave to my very young self, I was hit by a "double whammy" of flavors I disliked.... the "dark" aspect and the "orange" aspect..... both seemed "yucky" and I spit out the chocolate and did not want any more.  My Mom was a bit amused at my reaction.

But, I always DID love to see that special sort of especially joyful smile on my Mom's face when she would eat a slice of her Dark Chocolate Orange.  Her smile made me feel happy too.   

Although over the intervening years, I would occasionally try a slice of my Mom's Dark Chocolate Orange at Easter-time, I never actually liked it.  It was not until I was first in college and was feeling rather homesick that the Dark Chocolate Orange became something I enjoyed.  This was during the Fall Semester of my Freshman year.  Being away from home was NOT something I really ever WANTED.  But, I knew college was IMPORTANT and was something I needed to do.  But, it was difficult... not academically... but emotionally.  One afternoon when I was finished with classes for the day, I rode my bicycle into town and went to the local pharmacy to pick up a few things.... some pencils of a brand I especially liked, more notebook paper, a pouch of Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco, and some potato chips. Nearing the cash register, I saw a display of Dark Chocolate Oranges that were being put out in preparation for the holidays (stores seem to have these chocolate oranges around twice each year.... during the Thanksgiving/Christmas time frame, and also around the Easter timeframe).  

I impulsively grabbed a Dark Chocolate Orange and added it to the pile of the other things I was purchasing.  Back at the dorm, I took a slice of the chocolate and ate it.  Its flavors brought to my mind images of my Mom smiling in that joyful way, and in a small way it helped to decrease a bit, my feeling of homesickness.  I have been eating them at holidays ever since.  They remind me of home and happiness.  

Before we were married, when I was dating my (future) wife, I gave her a Dark Chocolate Orange at Christmas, and I explained to her the above story.  She was touched by the story and has bought me a Dark Chocolate Orange each year since.  I have continued to give her a Dark Chocolate Orange at Christmas.  

For me, the candy now tastes fully sweet and delectable and I look forward to its unique flavor.  But, the memories the taste of the candy invokes in me are actually the far more significant value.  And, eventually, when my beloved Mom passed away in 2007, the Dark Chocolate Orange my wife gave me at Easter that year (Easter was ~ 5 weeks after my Mom's passing) felt especially meaningful.  My emotions were still extremely raw and all over the map.  But, the taste of the first slice on my tongue helped to shape my emotions a bit more to focus on that happy memory of the gentle, joyful smile that would spread across my Mom's face when she tasted the candy herself.   

Every year, I savor each slice of my Dark Chocolate Orange, and relish how it stimulates in me such a beautiful memory.  

* * * * *

• Ran 10 miles this morning (~16 km). Felt a bit tired and sluggish while running.
  
• PCS = 7.  I am carrying around my Butz-Choquin in my shirt pocket today.  It just feels like I need the tactile sense of it.  Normally, I would stow it in my sportcoat pocket... but since I am not teaching today, I am not wearing a sportcoat.  Just a shirt (sans tie) for me at the U.  

PipeTobacco

What Used to Be

 

 

With grades being finalized and submitted, I am now continuing to work on preparing materials for the start of Spring Semester, which begins this coming Monday.  

Several times during the last few days, I felt a fair amount of meloncholy about how the end of the semester grading and submitting used to be. It was a ritual for decades for at the conclusion of grading, I would head over to my in-laws to have a few drinks with my father-in-law and smoke pipes together.  

As most of you already know, that drinks and pipes ritual was fairly common across the year on a variety of Fridays, but the end of the Semester times were EXTRA special. It felt often like our conversations were even more ribald, fun, and engaging, our beverages more thirst-quenching and relaxing, and our pipes were even more nourishing, robust and nirvana-like.  

I miss that. A lot.

* * * * * 

This morning I received an e-mail from a very grumpy student.  She was suggesting quite strenuously that I was unfair in giving her a C+ as her final grade.  I carefully outlined how all of her scores were in the mediocre range, and that she had several tests where she earned "D" grades.  I also told her that her original final grade would have been a "C"...  had I not, out of the generousness of my heart, decided to apply a slight curve to everyone's final score in the course, which actually was the reason I gave her a C+.... she just barely scooted into that range with my added curve.  

The above is what I told her..... I did not add the plethora of other comments I had WANTED to add.... many of which would have involved several cuss words more vehement than I typically use.....  and I also wanted to indicate that perhaps if she followed directions (which she did not do most of the semester, if she had used the tools I provided for the class (she missed a number of assignments), attended more than 50% of the lectures (I would estimate she probably attended maybe 1/3 of lectures), and if she studied...... she could have done a helluva lot better.  But... I kept it calm.  

* * * * * 

• Only ran 10 miles (~16km) this morning because of a stupid assessment (note the first three letters of the previous word are very appropriate for the goals of that kind of meeting) meeting to "evaluate" our Department.  I did not have enough time to do more.
• PCS = 9.  It is exhausting to want a pipe.  No, I actually mean it is exhausting to keep refraining from a pipe when I want to have one. I still am angry at myself for missing my golden ticket opportunity in Des Moines.  I very much want to smoke my Butz-Choquin pipe now that I have found it again after I was afraid I lost it.
  

PipeTobacco

Feverishly

 

I am taking a brief break from feverishly grading final exams, papers, and posters to post here for today.  With time relatively scant, it shall be bulleted lists:

• Forced myself to run a bit over a half marathon (ran 13.3 miles (~21.5 km)) this morning.  For three reasons.... first, I have been rather slovenly and slothy all Winter in my not doing many longer runs, second, to force myself to get back to doing a longer run regularly, and third, with this week being busy as hell.  
• This week is a jumbled cornucopia of all sorts of U "doings" (final grades, graduation ceremonies, needing to get my Spring class materials up-to-snuff, doing final proof reading on several of my student's theses before they get sent to the bindery, and a whole helluva lot more that I probably have not thought of) plus I have a concert tonight and I also have volunteered to role-play (act) in a poverty simulation for a group of community folks needing CEUs/"In-Service" Credits later this week.  
• In the poverty simulation, the participants experience a simulation that is meant to model a few months of living at or below the poverty level.  The experience takes several hours.  The role that I have in this simulation is that of a local Pawn Broker.  A lot of the folks participating in this simulation end up being desperately short on cash early into the simulation and many seek to try to sell their possessions to me at my Pawn Shop.  My role is to (obviously) act like a real Pawn Broker, and so much of the time a) I am offering the folks substantially less for their items than they want/need, b) I am really more focused on "my wants/needs" than the customers, c) I am a bit "shady" in several ways, and d) I spend much of my time…. wasting their limited time to do things, because I will talk their heads off about damn near anything that comes to my mind instead of focusing on their situation.  I dress up in the shabbiest and most bright, glaring and garish suit-coat/shirt/tie/hat combo I can find and wear ratty looking jeans, brush out my beard and 'stashe to look rather disheveled.  Because space and time are limited, my Pawn Shop is just a table in the big hall we run the simulation, but I adorn my garish ensemble with all sorts of "bling" where I attach watches to my suit-coat, wear all sorts of garish rings, etc.  It is a helluva lot of fun to be able to act so out of character.  But, truthfully it serves a bigger purpose.  All of us who volunteer have roles that span across the various agencies/services across the community that people at or near poverty have to struggle with day-to-day.  Some other roles of folks giving the simulation include bankers, utilities services, school, landlords, hospital workers, police, mortgage lenders, etc.  These community folks who partake in this simulation actually do have a bit of an "awakening" about how damn hard, and how harsh it is for people who live at that edge of poverty.  After they go through the simulation, there is a "debriefing" session afterwards where we get to ask them about the feelings they experienced.  And, I am actually quite proud to say that we have had some good success over the years in awakening even some of the staunchest anti-government folks (typically Republicans) who hate our societal safety net..... to actually learn and realize how hard it is for folks living at or near poverty.  I am happy I was asked to get involved in this about a dozen years ago, and I get to participate in 3-4 of these simulations for all sorts of folks each year. My role is fun, and I feel I am contributing to helping folks learn.  
  
• PCS =  7.5.  I was thinking during the weekend about how perhaps my higher PCS score might be on-going and attributable to my nightly ritual of... after I finish talking and snuggling with my wife or after I finish reading in bed at night... I will imagine in my mind a beautiful pipe smoking memory.  I started doing this because I felt sad at the loss of remembering my dreams much of the time, but I also found the imagining and remembering of beautiful pipe smoking memories relaxed me and allowed me to easily drop off into sleep.  But.... perhaps that is why my PCS has been remaining so high for the last few months.  So, on Saturday, I purposefully tried to not think about any pipe smoking memories as I drifted off to sleep.  But, unfortunately,  the other things I would think about did NOT help me to fall asleep... and I was laying awake for a helluva long time.  After about an hour or so, I gave up.  I allowed myself to relive in my imagination a beautiful pipe smoking memory again.... and I fell asleep contentedly in just a few minutes.  So... not sure how to interpret that.  But...?

 Back to grading!

PipeTobacco