Disgruntled

 

I am feeling disgruntled and out of sorts this morning.  I had "dreams" last night about the relationship with that which I no longer talk about here.  It left me awake this morning feeling sad, exhausted, not wanting to do anything.  The situation is so fractured, and it is nothing like how I envisioned this relationship would be.  

My wife and I have spent many hours discussing this situation, and yet, we both are very disheartened.  It seems as if there is nothing to be done about it, except perhaps the passage of time may lead to a shift in perspectives of the situation of the individual not discussed.  But, as it stands now, it hurts both our hearts.  Much of the time now, we can simply go on with day-to-day lives and bypass or not dwell on this situation.  But, when my "dreams" decided otherwise last night, I am now in a mental and emotional state that is very difficult to shrug off or get out of.  

+ + +

• Ran my 10 miles (~16km) this morning, hoping that the running would pound the sadness into submission for the day, but to no avail.  
• A Facebook post on my wife's account showed some of our friends enjoying carving pumpkins with their adult kids.  It made me feel melancholy. 
• One of my daughters is preparing for an extended trip abroad this upcoming Summer.  It will be an amazing experience for her.  She will be traveling to a few countries in Asia, and I am excited for her for being able to go on this adventure as she navigates aspects of her career goals.  She will, I am sure, be amazed at how the immersion into other cultures will help her to grow and become even more cognizant of  global issues and cultural morays.  
• No happy pipe thoughts have been able to permeate my mind this morning.  I will keep trying to use those thoughts, if I can conjure them up, to help shift my mood.... hopefully.
  

PipeTobacco
 

The Shining

 

 

"The Shining" is a horror movie filmed in the late 1970s and originally shown at movie theaters beginning in 1980.  It was a film by Stanley Kubrick (pictured above).  His films are adaptations of novels or short stories, but can span a number of genres and are known for intense attention to detail, innovative cinematography, and extensive set design.

Kubrick's films almost always focus upon expressions of an inner struggle, examined from different perspectives, and Kubrick liked to equate his films to popular music, in that whatever the background of the individual, his films (like popular music) can be effectively appreciated by a "semi-truck driver" or a "medical doctor"  because emotions and subconscious are similar across everyone.  He believed that the subconscious emotional reaction experienced by audiences was far more powerful in the film medium than in any other traditional verbal form, and this was one of the reasons why he often relied on long periods in his films without dialogue, placing emphasis on images and sound.

Well, our local theater was having a "Flashback" showing of the film, "The Shining" and my wife and I decided to attend.  Neither of us had ever seen the film, because neither of us actually likes "traditional" horror films of this ilk.  But, we thought.... well, the film was made 43 years ago.... so, perhaps it is something we should see, just to say that we had.  It had many famous performers in lead roles too.... Jack Nicholson,  Shelly Duvall, Scatman Crothers.... so that suggested it was potentially good as well.  

So.....

• My wife and I were both rather confused by the extremely disjointed plot, and several significant incongruencies in the storyline.  
• It was far more gory and graphic than I had anticipated.  Again, I never had purposefully chosen to see a "slasher" type movie EVER.  What I have seen in most previews of more current films of this ilk had me know definitely that I did not want to see them.  But, in my old age, I had naively reasoned that, hell, movies from the 70s, 60s and earlier were NEVER as graphic in my recollection, as are most films (even PG-13 films) today.  
• My wife was so disinterested that she nodded off to sleep several times in the film.  
• I did not sleep through the film, for while the gore was not appreciated, and the storyline was unbelieveably fractured, incoherent, and yet simplistic.... I have to admit that the CINEMATOGRAPHY was very interesting.  ALL aspects of the film were beautifully FILMED, and the sets were captivating to view, whether it was a simple bathroom or a storage locker, or an outdoor scene.  Kubrick seemed to take enormous care in the details of the settings in which he filmed.  The movie itself was foolish and rather unpleasant.... but every single image was shot in a creative, thoughtful, meaningful way.   Each actor was filmed in a way that was extremely personal and intimate.  Each scene was vivid and detailed. Each IMAGE of the film was of such detail, that I think damn near every frame in the film could be printed as a hangable work of still art or portraiture.  
  
• Overall, my wife gave the film an "F" grade.  I have to say my grade is rather bifurcated..... as an entertaining story, I too would give it an "F" grade.  But VISUALLY, I would give the film a grade of "A"..... so I rounded out the grade as a "C" overall. 
• The other aspect of the film I have to mention..... I did not remember much about the ads for this film back when it was released in 1980.  The one and only thing I did remember was Jack Nicholson poking his maniacal face through a splintered door. When thinking about watching this film, I reasoned with myself.... perhaps it is more of a psychological thriller?  NO.  It is not.
• Until I was ~1/4 into watching the film in the theater, did I see a scene that I had forgotten all about that WAS plastered over television commercials for the movie back in 1980.  Had I remembered this damnably annoying scene from these commercials..... I would have remembered why I stayed away from the film in 1980..... it was the scene in the film featuring the young son of the couple (Nicholson and Duvall were husband and wife).... and the scene involved this young son (perhaps 6 years old), wiggling his finger over and over and using the croaking voice that sounded like a frog.... kept saying "redrum, redrum, redrum....." over and over and over again.  I despised that commercial the many times it ran in 1980.  If I had remembered this was the film that featured that obnoxious "redrum" scene... I would never have gone to the theater to watch this.  

+ + + 

• Ran 10 miles (~16 km) at the indoor track.  It was very cold this morning again (~40 F / ~4.5 C).
• We are practicing Holiday music in my community band now, in preparation for the Holiday season.  It is always especially enjoyable to play this time of year.  
• There was NOT a single pipe smoker portrayed in "The Shining".  That alone further supports it being an obnoxious film.  Films before probably 1985, frequently showed at least one character who was a pipe smoker. 
•  Although I proclaimed last week that I "need to determine some sort of middle ground" regarding abstaining from or smoking my pipes.... I have made absolutely no headway in that regard.  Having an occasional pipe when I travel somewhere seems to work SAFELY and EFFECTIVELY (even though I only had one experience doing this).  But, the interval of time between trips is annoying and seem insufficient.  And, the missed opportunity still gnaws at me too.  

PipeTobacco

Sex

 

Sex has been an especially big focus in a couple of my classes this week.  I will not go into great detail here, but a few of the highlights include:

• In one class I needed to discuss and describe the three primary forms of human orgasm and their physiological roles in reproduction.  These forms are ejaculation (male), clitoral (female), and vaginocervical (female).  

• I also was describing in great detail the chemotaxic and thermotaxic cues within the female reproductive architectures and how these cues are critical roadmaps that guide the masses of undulating spermatazoa the great distance to where they may compete to potentially fertilize an ova. 

• I also described how in typical human female internal reproductive anatomy, the distance from where spermatazoa are initially released to the point where a potential ova may be found to fertilize..... is a CONSIDERABLE distance.  In calculations relating the size of a single spermatazoa to that of the size of an adult human...... the spermatazoa would need to travel the equivalent distance of a human running a 5K (3.1 mile) road race in order to reach the ova.   The spermatazoa are greatly assisted in this race if the female experiences a vaginocervical orgasm.

• In a different class I was talking about the reproductive behavior called amplexus.  This is the mode of reproductive behavior displayed by many amphibia.  In this class I talked about the early historical figures who attempted to study these behaviors in frogs in the late Renaissance period, and the surprising (and often humorous) methods they employed to do so.  Frogs reproduce by external fertilzation.  Basically, a male frog climbs atop of a gravid female filled with eggs..... and he will literally squeeze her abdomen, whereby she will release a sticky stream of eggs much like what happens when you squeeze a tube of toothpaste.  The male simply releases his spermatazoa over the top of these eggs as they are streaming out from the female.

• In a third class, I was discussing and describing aspects of rodent reproductive behavior.  I was especially needing to focus on male rodent intromissive behavior (a behavior that stimulates a female rodent to release more eggs) and on lordosis behavior (a behavior that indicates the willingness of a female rodent to engage in reproduction.... and how it is shaped by the endocrine stage of her ovulatory cycle.

+ + +

For as long as I could stay awake last night, while drifting off to sleep, I relived every beautiful moment I could recall from the Chicago trip where I was able to visit Iwan Ries and was able to indulge in the exceptional bowlful of Three Star Blue pipe tobacco.  Even just the exquisite memories of that experience gave me a feeling of contentment.  The actual experience itself was in many ways beyond measure.  I can still see in my mind the flame being drawn into the bowl of the brown crumbles of tobacco leaf, and I can almost still taste the rich flavors of the smoke from that bowlful. I can remember the gentle and pleasant way the nicotine relaxed my thoughts.  These thoughts were beautiful, and I quickly cascaded into slumber for the night. Reliving that experience in my mind is so beautiful.  Remembering that this, with variations of pipe and leaf, used to be a daily occurrence for me for decades had me feeling both appreciative of each of the thousands of bowlfuls, but also melancholy at the drought of such experiences presently. I need to determine some sort of middle ground.

I wish I had a reason to plan a trip to Chicago.  I still get aggravated at myself for the lost opportunity I had for a hoped for similar sense of joy when I was in Des Moines.  

+ + +

• 10 indoor miles this morning (~16km).  Inside, because it was raining heavily, even though the temperatures were warm.
• I cannot recall if I have ever described my bug/shrimp story here.  Perhaps I will attempt to do so sometime soon.
• There is a really nice Jazz Performance occurring tonight. I had known about it, but had thought it was on Friday.  My wife and I were planning to go on Friday.  But, I am not sure if we will be able to swing going tonight instead or not.  Both of us are usually dead-dog tired on Thursday evenings.  
• We both (my wife and I) have vowed to swim later this afternoon.  But, we are both taking a "wait-and-see" attitude about whether we may go to the Jazz Performance.  
• Michael Connelly has a new novel coming out.... which makes me glad.  But, I will have to wait a while for either a) the paperback to come out, or b) wait until the used hardcover market for this book grows enough to have a significant drop in price for used copies.
• I have to get working with my rodents the remainder of this afternoon.  So that is it for me today.
• I have been reading a tome of sorts that is a biography of William Conrad.  It is an interesting book, but it is also of a book of a rather "self-published" variety and the grammatical and layout errors that crop up can be distracting (when they occur) and disconcerting (when several occur nearby each other).   
  

PipeTobacco  

 

Broccoli

 

As you may know, I really like analogies.

 

 

Yesterday, to illustrate a point I was making about my enjoyment of pipe tobacco, I stated that I would willingly forgo the fun, but unessential nicotine in smoking pipe tobacco..... if there was a way to have pipe tobacco smoking be health-risk free.  It is, of course, just a flight of fancy, as a) it would be impossible to make smoking health-risk free, and b) nicotine is not the reason pipe tobacco smoking is unhealthy.  But.... now to the analogy:

I really LIKE to eat broccoli.  I eat A LOT of broccoli.  Not everyone likes broccoli.  In fact, a sizable number of folks DISLIKE broccoli, and may even be repulsed by broccoli.  

One common way to serve and eat broccoli is "broccoli & cheese".  Broccoli & Cheese is quite tasty.  I have eaten it that way many times.  Yet, I very seldom eat Broccoli & Cheese these days.  Cheese (at least the cheese usually used in broccoli & cheese) typically has a LOT of fat, which is not conducive to by BMI goals.  

But.... I still eat A LOT of broccoli.  The lack of the cheese sauce is of very minimal importance to me.  I just really LIKE broccoli.   

+ + + 

So, in yesterday's post... I am stating unequivocally that I REALLY enjoy the act of smoking pipe tobacco and tobacco pipes.  The actual aspects of smoking pipe tobacco are such, that I would readily give up the nicotine (the tasty "cheese") to be able to simply smoke pipe tobacco anytime I desire.  

But, where my analogy goes awry is that  unadorned broccoli is healthy.  Pipe tobacco (even if nicotine could be removed) would still unfortunately be dangerous.  

+ + + 

Pat's comments yesterday, however, about the 1960s era report by the Surgeon General are very valid considerations as well.  I actually have a paper copy of the report that I garnered several years ago by Interlibrary Loan.  It does indeed show a modest improvement in longevity of pipe smokers compared to non-smokers.  This would suggest pipe smoking may not be harmful due to the variety of ways that Pat has succinctly outlined.  

I DO think about that report quite often.  And, for a number of years I actually did keep those data at the forefront of my mind as the beginnings of worry about my love affair with the pipe and pipe tobaccos started to creep into my psyche a few years ago. 

So...... today, in 2023..... I still find myself on a wobbly teeter-totter of sorts.... with no real directionality or focus.  Nearly 100% of each day I would LIKE to be smoking my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  But, in the same vein, I cannot know or discern if it is really what I should or should not do........ or.....  if I can attempt to be both "elegant" and "ironic" at the same time.... Are pipe tobaccos and pipe smoking something I should engage in in 2023..... or is it best to only remain a "pipe dream"?  

I just do not know.

+ + +

• It was strangely beautiful outside at 5 am this morning.  It was 70 degrees!!!!!  (21 C).  So, I hoofed my ten miles (~16km) outside with my headlight strapped to my cap.  It was rather beautiful watching the dawn of a new day as light slowly crept up the horizon.  
• Swimming is in store again this afternoon!  
• A few potentially positive things are happening at work.  I do not want to jinx myself, so I am going to stay mum until there is greater certainty.  
• My wife and I may go out to dinner tonight too..... no dishes to wash!

PipeTobacco

Unbearably Hungry

 

Yesterday, I must have been writing my post while Pat was commenting on my Friday post.  I did not see Pat's comment until AFTER I had written yesterday's post.  While I greatly enjoyed all of Pat's comment, this one statement struck me especially:

"[I]t's a psychological, emotional, even a spiritual longing that can't be satisfied merely by the hit of nicotine your pipes provide." 

I think in some fashion, Pat's comment above DOES represent a lot of what I tend to feel about pipe smoking. Again, I cannot say with certainty that I am not addicted to nicotine, but the following may help explain some of my thoughts. 

In thinking more about Pat's statement, I began to imagine the following options:

1.  Beautiful pipe tobacco, robust with nicotine, and dangerous to one's health.

2.  Beautiful pipe tobacco, but somehow scientifically designed to not be dangerous to indulge in, but it also contains no pleasant nicotine.  

In thinking about the above options.... I have absolutely no hesitation that I would very willingly forgo the pleasantness of nicotine if it meant I could smoke pipe tobacco without worry about its health dangers.  Now, nicotine is not the dangerous aspect of smoking regarding health.  That is the idea behind the nicotine lozenges…. people who crave nicotine can have it yet avoid the danger of smoking.    And again,  I admit that nicotine IS pleasant, but like I mentioned yesterday in my clothing analogy, it is not a primary nor secondary concern to me, it seems.  

+ + + 

I also still think the analogy about pipe smoking being a fabric of my life has merit as well.  For a lot of decades it seemed an integral part of the fabric of my life, a part I always thought would be there.  Similar analogies could be had in thinking about paints always being an integral part of a painter's life, or a pencil being part of a writer's life, etc.  The pipe has always been an expression of myself as... a person, as a "professor" even before I became one.

+ + + 

Two novels I have been remembering about have been on my mind as well.  I have, like most, read countless numbers of novels across my many decades.  Yet, only a dozen or so hit my mind with such force as to be what I consider "revolutionary" to my thoughts.  Some are older, some are newer... but all  spoke to me in some sort of transcendent fashion. Here is a listing of what percoloates to the top of my mind in regards to novels.... a dozen novels ranked loosely in terms of significance to ME:

1.  Brave New World - Huxley

2.  Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Pirsig

3.  Fahrenheit 451 - Bradbury 

4.  Travels With Charley - Stenbeck (not truly a novel, but "novel-esque")

5.  Moby Dick - Melville

6.  Cat's Cradle - Vonnegut

7.  Walden Two - Skinner

8.  Green Hills of Africa - Hemingway

9.  20,000 Leagues Under the Sea - Verne

10.  1984 - Orwell

11.  The Giver - Lowry 

12.  The Time Machine - Wells

+ + +

• Ran my usual 10 miles (~16 km) today.  Nothing special.  But it loosened me up, so that is good.
• Going for an early swim with my beautiful wife this afternoon.  I am trying to leave work earlier to enjoy the last remnants of PRE-WINTER weather.  

I feel as hungry as a bear!  I could eat damn near anything at the moment.  Not sure what is for dinner.

PipeTobacco

   

Shepherds

 I have been thinking quite a bit about shepherds..... trying to BE a shepherd for others (such as my students, my kids, etc) and also being shepherded (being a sheep.... allowing myself to be guided).  Both are important.  It is in so many ways akin to being a teacher and also being able to learn.  I have so much to do in both regards.

Unfortunately, I probably should have put some sort of emoticon or emoji on my statement last Friday where I stated:

"If I decided to become vegetarian or vegan…. it would be logical in some fashion that I COULD choose to do so and smoke my pipes and pipe tobaccos." (I should have added a 😀)

The above was meant to be a silly, tongue-in-cheek sort of statement suggesting that my beloved pipe tobaccos.... being plant based..... fit right in with a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle.  So, I do apologize for the missing emoticon/emoji.  

Pam's comment helped me to realize how the above statement could be misconstrued.  She stated the following (excerpted) that I will comment briefly upon:

"Does this mean that by removing one harmful element from your diet (animal products) it could be "logical" to take the risk of adding another potentially harmful element (tobacco) to your lifestyle?" 

Unfortunately, my irony was not readily apparent in my words.  I was just putting up a silly, throw-away type comment about pipe tobacco being plant based and therefore.... healthy! 😁 

Pam also wrote:

"Another thought I have from time to time (and I hope this doesn't offend you -- it shouldn't) is that you have a classic case of addiction. Your fixation on, dreams about smoking your pipes is exactly what millions of people hear every day in AA meetings. If there are Smokers Anonymous meetings you might benefit. I know: you have no time to add another activity to your life but it could be good for your mental health."

Pam.... no.... the thought does NOT offend me in the slightest.  It is a very logical idea to consider.  And it is a question I do not really know how to answer accurately.  But, I can give you some of the thoughts I have had on the matter:

• I was initially PRESUMING when I first laid down my pipes that I WAS VERY POSSIBLY addicted to them.  I even bought nicotine gum, lozenges and an e-device in anticipation that I might be addicted to nicotine.  I ended up consuming perhaps a 2-3 pieces of gum, 2-3 lozenges and tried the e-device a couple of times during the first few days.  They were blah and uninspiring to me, so I ended up just tossing both into a drawer after about three days.  
• I can attest that ingesting of nicotine from my PIPES is enjoyable.  I like the gentle way the compound tickles my neurons.  And, even though I thought perhaps the nicotine from the gum, lozenge, or e-device would be fun and enjoyable for my neurons during that time of the early elimination of my beloved pipes.... it really felt unimportant, of no value, and not really something I cared all that much about. So I rather lost interest in it pretty much immediately.  The best I can figure is that while a) I am NOT OPPOSED to the gentle massaging of my neurons by nicotine, it b) does not seem to be the primary or even secondary foci of my love of pipe tobacco.  At most it may be a tertiary consideration it seems. 
• Yet, as is obvious.... I DO so very much like, enjoy, and desire to smoke my pipes and my pipe tobaccos.  To me, for so, SO many years, there was nary even a glimmer of a thought that I would not always be a pipe smoker.  In some fashion, I think (ludicrous as it may sound) that I have been a pipe smoker BEFORE I actually started smoking pipes as a kid.  I never experienced any sort of "stumbling blocks" or a "learning curve" array of "problems" that a lot of new pipe smokers experienced when they first were trying to learn the hobby.  For a lot of folks, they would have any number of negative issues or problems when they were starting out..... things like tongue bite, gurgling issues in the pipe that would make it taste awful, nausea when smoking, etc.  For me, it felt, right, it felt appropriate, it felt like ME...  from the very first bowlful as a kid.  
• In some mode, the pipe and pipe tobacco felt a part of me in the same way that shoes, a hat, a shirt, or a sweatshirt, or a sport coat, or any piece of clothing feels...... the clothing may not be absolutely NECESSARY, as I could theoretically run around naked and survive.... BUT wearing clothing is comfortable, is warming, is comforting, and is helpful.  In the same vein, my pipe has always been comfortable, warming, comforting and helpful.  Perhaps a stupid analogy, but it is the best I can think of at the moment. 

I will think about this some more, to see if I can try to answer better.  It is hard to describe, actually.  But, I am not sure if am AM addicted to pipe tobacco, or if it is just a facet of me.   

+ + + 

I had an errant blueberry pop out of my bowl of high fiber cereal I was eating this morning and roll down into the inner cuff and shirt sleeve of my long sleeved shirt.  I had a heck of a time getting it out.  I am just glad it did not roll between the sleeve  of my shirt and my sport coat, for I may not have felt it and it would have likely mashed and juiced between the two layers of fabric all day long.  

•  The vaccines hit me HARD on Saturday, just as seems as predictable as snow in January.  My wife.... as usual.... had no effect from either of her vaccines.  On Saturday, my arms ached.  On Saturday, every joint in my body.... but especially my fingers, toes, wrists and ankles were achy and sore as hell.  I felt feverish, and I ended up drinking about 300 ounces of fluids across the day (~8.8 liters).  Of course, I went to the bathroom a lot too.  😄
• We did go swimming in the later afternoon.  It was wonderful for the feverish feeling and felt nice on my joints too.  
• We went to Mass Saturday evening and it was very soothing and spiritually uplifting.  Both my wife and I are very much gravitating towards this nearby parish community.  We are still wanting to see more if other more distant parishes where we know some of our old friends may still be a better choice.  But, this was very nice.  One of the songs from Mass, Shepherd Me, O God, has been running through my mind ever since.  Please give a listen to this accoustic guitar version of this wonderful song by Marty Haugen.  
• I ran my 10 miles (~16km) this morning.  Lots of circles at the indoor track as it was raining and cold.... a bit of frost.  

PipeTobacco

Random Thought

If I decided to become vegetarian or vegan…. it would be logical in some fashion that I COULD choose to do so and smoke my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  

****

• I did get my Covid vaccine and my Flu vaccine about 1/2 hour ago (Friday afternoon).  They were not keen on my wanting the RSV yet, so that will need to wait.  I have scheduled a full day of rest and ample fluids on Saturday (other than swimming and probably Mass).  It actually feels rather damn luxurious to have a quiet, unstructured day planned (keeping fingers crossed that no unforeseen calamities ensue).  It feels a little sad that it takes a dose of vaccines to get up enough gumption to rest.  
• I finished up my weekly mileage (50+ miles) this morning, so that is not a worry this weekend.
• To have dinner be easier to handle and to keep cleanup easier tonight, we are having sub sandwiches.  I chose my standard turkey with no cheese but extra spices and peppers and onions.  

PipeTobacco 

Impalas

 

 

 

1963 Chevrolet Impala SS
 

1971 Chevrolet Impala 2-door w/Vinyl Roof

1972 Chevrolet Impala 4-door w/Vinyl Roof
 

Since I cannot really write much about the less savory aspects of my day-to-day at the moment, I thought it MIGHT be interesting to write a bit about the various memories and various flights of fancy that I steer my mind towards to mitigate some of the stress.  

Even though the colors were a bit different, the above three images show three vehicles I remember well from my adolescence.  My family (both immediate and most relatives) tended to be quite General Motors focused in terms of vehicles purchased.  If I were to think back across my father's vehicles....all but ONE were a General Motors vehicle, from his earliest vehicle.... from his first which was a used 1930s Chevrolet all the way to the last vehicle which was a 1980s Buick.  The ONE exception was where in the mid 1950s he had (briefly, less than a year) a Ford.  

The three Chevrolet Impalas above show the variations in the three types of Impalas that I was quite familiar with in various ways from riding in each, to working on some basic mechanics of each, and of course in driving each.  

The 1963 Impala Super Sport (SS) was a huge favorite in the neighborhood.  It was considered almost a "muscle car" of its time, even though my Dad did not buy it specifically for that reason.  He actually really liked its Cordovan Brown color..... both exterior and interior.

The 1971 2-door Impala was my Dad's replacement for the 1963.  The 1963 ended up being the primary vehicle of one of my sisters for a lot of years after he bought the 1971.  The 1971 Impala was a very beautiful (for the time) Russet Sunfire color which was sort of a "burnt orange" color.   It sort of exhibited a "Halloween" theme for the era as it also had a black interior.... not a common exterior/interior color scheme back in the 1970s.  This vehicle also sported a very "trendy" brown vinyl roof!

I also remember fondly how the above two Impalas also kept the lingering aroma of my father's pipe tobacco, even after he no longer drove the vehicles in favor of their replacements.  

The 1972 4-door Impala was another favorite as it was owned by my favorite Aunt and Uncle.  Its color was an interesting color that was almost a perfect match for a slice of processed American Cheese.  It was a milky, creamy, light orange color.  And, this Impala sported a white interior and a beige vinyl roof!  

My aunt was quite meticulous in terms of cleaning generally (her home was always spotless).  This cleanliness also extended to her and my uncle's Impala My aunt and uncle's Impala was always scrubbed clean on the inside by my aunt using her favorite "Spic-and-Span" water.  Spic-and-Span used to be a powdered cleaner, and my aunt loved it for ALL manner of cleaning..... inside her home, in the car, as a laundry detergent, and pretty much anything.  Her Impala always had the aroma of Spic-and-Span.   

By today's standards, each of the above vehicles is a huge behemoth of a machine. But, back in the day the were fairly standard, full sized vehicles.  They were each fun to drive in their own way.  But, I distinctly remember the first time I drove a friend's small car..... a VW Beetle.... and I immediately recognized how much MORE fun (and of course economical) a small car was to drive. 

* * * * *  

• Ran my typical 10 miles this morning (~16km).  Ran indoors due to lack of light and rainy weather.  
• I pulled out of my den at home this morning, a pouch of Arrowhead Pipe Club pipe tobacco.  It is difficult to describe, but it has such a pleasant pouch aroma.  Even though, of course, it has been a while (too much of a while, I think) since I smoked a bowlful of this delightful aromatic pipe tobacco.... just its pouch aroma brings back memories of its beautiful smoking properties and flavors.  I have been carrying it around in the pocket of my sport coat as I teach and research today.  Several times I have allowed myself to pull out the pouch, open it and breath in its earthy, aromatic splendor.  

Talking about happier things, even if they are memories only.... has put me in a better mood than anything else has when I was just focusing on the day-to-day b*llsh*t.  And, thinking about and imagining smoking a bowlful of Arrowhead Pipe Club makes me feel happier, even though "thinking about" is not as exciting as would actually doing so.  :)

 

PipeTobacco

Not Sure What to Post

 

I feel rather stymied about posting at the moment.  

Part of me feels quite desperate to communicate with you and to receive comments, because your comments are VERY meaningful to me.  But, another part of me finds it hard to write.... not because I don't have a helluva lot to talk about.... I do!  But, because some of it is rather harsh... related to the two things I allude to in my previous post......  I keep trying to "hold my tongue" so-to-speak, because a) my griping about the two at work does not feel fruitful, and b) the sadness about the family situation is not something I can speak "specifics" about.  

So.... with the above two weighty subjects (at least weighty for my emotional well-being), I need to talk about other things. Here is a bullet list of random thoughts:

• I find the situation in Gaza to be very worrisome.  I am fearful that the loss of life there may grow exponentially.  
• Late last week I "Ran the Year".  This means I had hit the point where I had ran 2,023 miles (~3,256km) in 2023. 
  
• I am thinking of trying to get the "triple threat" vaccination this weekend..... the vaccine for the new Covid variants, the vaccine for this years flu, and the vaccine for RSV.  If I get the injections on Friday, I do have the option, if needed, to stay in bed all day Saturday.  
• My SIL is now at risk to potentially lose her foot... and it is NOT the foot with the missing toes. She has some sort of massive bone decline and degeneration in her foot that is a result of neuropathy and poor circulation.  She has a cast on at the moment in an effort to try to fix the problem, but I am not really sure how well it may do so.  
• My wife and I are both finding a great deal of positive aspects of our faith at the nearby Catholic parish.  It feels very much like "home" in many ways.  But, we still feel a bit off, because we do miss folks from our closed parish.  The one church where we found a fair number of our old parish is rather far away, and does not feel as emotionally comfortable.  My wife and I both still feel dismay at how our parish was closed.  
• There seems to be a nationwide shortage of my Fiber One cereal.  It has been missing for at least 6-8 weeks in our region.  Even though it is actually only one of the three very high fiber cereals I blend together ( I blend Fiber One (45%) , All Bran Buds (45%), & Grape Nuts (10%)) to eat for breakfast, its absence is felt.  I hope it returns soon.  
• While I do not have any appreciable "yearning" for my pipes at the moment, I do desperately MISS my pipes.  I guess I have to clarify this a bit.  When I feel a sense of "yearning" for my pipes, I feel almost a compulsion to want to smoke them.  It sort of feels like that absence of them is like thirst you feel if you are near a point of dehydration.  That is not what I am feeling at the moment.  Instead, I just feel deeply a sense of MISSING my pipes emotionally.  I want them back.  But, all I can reason through are the memories of the way it was and used to be.  I have lately had running through my mind various snippets of lyrics from the song "The Way We Were"... such as "It all used to be so simple then." I want my pipes.  But, I also want them to transport me back to that simpler time.  

PipeTobacco

 

Homeostasis

Throughout my courses, a universal concept of physiology I stress abundantly is a rather deeply nuanced understanding of the concept of homeostasis.  Broadly, homeostasis is sometimes is truncated into a simplified idea of "balance" much like the image I have posted above.  A common, although extremely overly simple and artificial example often used for  this balance is suggesting that homeostatic blood pressure is 120/80.  

In true physiology, however, homeostasis is FAR more complex and simultaneously subtle.  Even though multiple volumes of text would be necessary to do this concept adequate justice,  the following definition I give students in some of my lower division courses will suffice for purposes of what I want to describe:

Homeostasis comprises the physiological modifications an organism will adopt to attempt to maintain functionality, based upon the range of and intensity of environmental pressures the organism is experiencing. 

In the earlier example of blood pressure.... the deeper definition helps to show how blood pressure actually occurs in a range of "normalcy" depending upon environmental factors.  In my own case for example, on a "good" day, if I were to measure my blood pressure while resting, it would likely be somewhere in the neighborhood of 110/75.... give or take a few points in either direction.... not too damn shabby for an old codger.  But, at other times, I know my blood pressure would be more akin to 170/120.  170/120 would... sitting in your physician's office...  be considered very worrisome, and often times would result in you being prescribed Coreg (a common beta blocker drug for hypertension).  But, my 170/120 occurs in a more homeostatic fashion..... in the middle of my run.  The needs my muscles have for oxygen during running make my heart contract more vigorously and more frequently to meet those oxygen needs.  So.... environmental conditions are critical components of any meaningful discussion of homeostasis.  

* * *
I bring the above to you, as a segue of sorts to talk about the last few weeks where I have been mostly absent from here.  Unfortunately, because some of the things are too sensitive to mention, I have to mostly allude to things:

• As you recall, "that which I don't talk about here anymore" caused quite a fracas.  That situation has "calmed down" somewhat, but the underlying issues remain completely unresolved.  I am striving to develop more of a laissez-faire attitude about this.... but fully admit it is awfully damn hard when it involves someone you love.  But, that is my current effort.
  
• You also likely recall that the "horrendous duo" at work were reverting to their most obnoxious selves again.  Basically they put the kibosh on the curricular design proposal I had received universal Departmental approval (including the "horrendous duo") to develop and work through the U's governance.  This approval came back in April.  I had worked since April, including through the Summer with countless U folks.... other Departments, various administrators, many others on campus with a "finger in the pie" of this proposal.  Then, the damnable "horrendous duo", when the official Departmental vote was needed a couple of weeks ago to allow further progression of these proposals.... THEY VOTED NO and ABSTAIN.  When an originating Department has non-universal "YES" votes..... it throws up red flags each and every step along the rest of the process.  
• If I did nothing following the "horrendous duo's" vote.... the probability that the proposal would fail was very high.  And I am still both FURIOUS and LIVID at these two backstabbing curs.  
• But, I am trying to devote as much extra time as I can muster now to figure out a way to meet with each and every additional voting block in the U process, and explaining the values of this curricular proposal and asking for their affirmative, official vote.  I also try to explain the reasons for the "no" and "abstain" votes.... in certain company at the U I use a rather "diplomatic" explanation of one sort or another, and in other U company, I lay it out very brutally about the "horrendous duo".  
• The above takes a helluva lot of time and work.  I have hardly enough time as it is to do the real work I need to do, let alone take on this.  But, I can be damn stubborn when I need to be... and I feel COMPELLED to try to the very best of my ability to pull off a surprise win here.  It may be a long shot still.... but if I can convince enough folks to overlook the votes from the "horrendous duo" and get this proposal through....... a) it will be a very good thing for students, b) it will allow a subset of students who had been blocked from certain courses for the last few years.... a viable pathway to obtain these classes that would benefit them as they proceed to graduate and professional schools, c) I would feel I did what was right, just, and kind for students, and... even though this is not nice to say, but I would also d) RELISH being able to metaphorically rub a win if it occurs in the "horrendous duo's" faces.   Please keep in mind I did say metaphorically.  I would not and will NOT do anything outward to goad them if I am victorious..... but if I DO get it through the system successfully.... they will KNOW that I succeeded in spite of them.

So.... the above are the "bigger" items that have transpired during my absence.  Basically.... I have had to adjust my body, mind, and spirit to the current environmental pressures I am facing.... to try to maintain homeostasis.  

There were several times where I thought I would not be able to adjust myself enough to cope.  But, I kept persevering.  I do not LIKE my current environment, but I am feeling that I can now maintain some semblance of homeostatic balance in this current state.   

I do look forward to a future where the environment in which I am embroiled is NOT as it is currently.  But, for the foreseeable future, that is likely only a pipe dream.

* * * 

Fortunately, during all this b*llsh*t, I have maintained my running.  There were many, MANY mornings in the last few weeks when I would wake up and the last damn thing I wanted to do was strap on my damnable clod-hoppers and go run in the dark with my headlamp.  But, I am very glad I could by sheer will, FORCE MYSELF to do so, for I would inevitably feel a bit less upset, a bit less angry, and also feel a small bit of calmness, and a bit more focus every time I pounded the damnable 10 miles out of my old body.  There were three days where I literally said "to hell with it" in the morning and slept in until the last possible moment to be able to drive to the U on time.... but fortunately each of those days I felt so damn guilty at myself.... and recognized also that I felt a heightened sense of anger, anxiety, and frustration from the b*llsh*t because I did not run.... that each of those days I forced myself to run in the late afternoon after I was finished at the U.  I do not like end-of-workday runs.... but these helped me to better see again.... how important a stress modulator the running has become for me.  

As far as my beloved, friendly pipes and pipe tobaccos.... the anger and frustration I have been experiencing are rather a double-edged sword.  On one level, the frustration and anger has me deeply craving the gentle flavors and gentle massage offered by indulging in the deep, dark, heavy pipe tobaccos that are so very pleasant.  But at another level, I have grown somewhat accustomed to digging in my heels regarding doing ANYTHING I like out of a reflex when angry or frustrated.  I first figured out this "digging in of heels" idea when I had to learn and figure out how to avoid eating high fat foods at family gatherings and parties....after I lost weight.  I used to get frustrated and upset because most parties DO NOT have a lot of healthy food options, and I would be stuck either eating things (I admittedly liked) that would have my BMI revert back to my earlier obesity or learning to be firm with myself about what I can do.   I think that same sort of "digging in of heels" has been occurring with my pipes.  I guess even though I desperately wanted to indulge, I also have been adamant with myself that I would NOT have such a beautiful thing as indulging in a pipe be brought about by anger and frustration.

Sorry for the data dump.  I actually have a helluva lot more to talk about, but this is too damn long already.  But, I had to get various thoughts out.  I *think* I am at a point where I can be back to regular posting.  Keeping my fingers crossed.  

PipeTobacco

Pins & Needles

Not really sure what to say.  Things have been rough.  I feel anxious, and on edge, and always waiting for the "other shoe" to drop, whether it is from work folks who are rude and hurtful, or from that which I do not talk about, or some relative's health issue... it seems my like has again migrated back to me perpetually feeling on edge.... 24 hours a day.  It is an abomination.  

Unfortunately, there isn't a helluva lot I can really do about any of it:

• I would like to quit.  But, that lets the bastards win, as the saying goes.  And, I actually truly enjoy teaching and researching. But, those two are are poison.
  
• I would like to ignore "that which I cannot talk about", but that is not the right thing to do.
• I would like to run away from all the impending death and extreme decline that is happening to relatives, but I cannot abandon them, no matter how much this hurts to go through.

The difficulty at the moment (at the last nearly two weeks) the pain of the above, the anxiety of the above is that it is UNRELENTING.  It is from morning till night.... other than when I sleep. Sleep is the most peaceful time I have in life at the moment.

What else?

• I have kept up with my damn miles.  At the moment, they are the LAST thing I want to do in the morning, as it pulls me out of the peace of sleep. And, I feel very resentful about not sleeping.  But, I know it is essential to run....  to breakdown my damnably sky high stress hormone levels to try to keep even-keeled and the hormones manageable.  
• I fall asleep dreaming of smoking my pipes.  Just routing my brain into those memories helps me drop off to sleep faster than making "Minute Rice". 
• I am not really sure if I gave in at the moment and just went back to my pipes, if even THEY would be enough to manage my stress.... but I would not mind trying and seeing if it would help.  
• And, yet, even though I do suspect it would help me to SOME degree, I think going back to them currently would further complicate my life as well.  I do not think I could withstand any more complexities at the moment.  

PipeTobacco