2,362 Miles !

 

 

Well, after this morning's run on the treadmill, I have found that I will close our the year having accumulated a total of 2,362 miles of running in 2020 (this is ~3,802 km ran in 2020).  I am pretty amazed that I was able to do this.  

In the greater scheme of life, it is not much of anything truly important.  I know that.  But, for a grey, furry-faced, old curmudgeon who was never athletically inclined in any way..... it is pretty damn good.

Even though I do not know the precise pacing of my runs in total across the year, I estimate that my average pacing was that I ran these miles on average at an 8:45 minute/mile pace ( ~5:20 minute/km pace).  The couple of times I ran a single mile FULL FORCE as fast as I could muster, I was able to run a single mile in 7:50.  

I did reach my goals of running at least 1 Half Marathon (13.1 miles (or ~21.1 km) run each month (total of 12 Half Marathon runs this year).  And, I also "Ran the Year" by the middle of November.

+ + + + +

Freud's concepts of "Id", "Ego" and "Superego" have been on my mind a fair amount lately:

Id - the part of the mind in which innate instinctive impulses and primary processes are manifest.

Ego -  the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

 

Superego -  the part of a person's mind that acts as a self-critical conscience, reflecting social standards learned from environmental and cultural experience.

 

In trying to understand my drives, my motivations, and to attempt to be a better person, I think examination of who I am and what drives me is helpful.  I do try to make decisions based upon what is the "better" thing for me to do, but many of my choices are in a sort of "grey" zone, with some ambiguity.  

One example (of many) is my pipe smoking.  At some level, the hobby of the briar for me is/was driven by my id.  It is in many ways an innate, instinctive impulse and has for so many decades been a primary process for me.  But, also at another level my pipe smoking is also an aspect of my superego, for it is/was based upon my environmental and cultural experiences (learned the delightful art from my father, had many pipe smoking buddies over the years, including my father-in-law, etc).  Then there are also the other superego environmental aspects of the modern world's view of tobacco indulgence, the scientific view of the health effects of tobacco indulgence, etc that also shape my superego.  It is my ego that is the mediator between the two factions.  

My ego has had a helluva workout for a few years now, and has had an especially high intensity workout these last 34 months or so.  For a few years before I quit smoking my pipes and pipe tobaccos, I had been feeling considerable "superego" pressure to refrain because of the negative societal and scientific environments concerning my beloved pipe tobaccos. Unfortunately, the positive "superego" aspects relating to my pipe smoking have all fallen to the wayside, as I no longer have any pipe smoking comrades near me.  

So, as I still debate in my mind whether to rejoin the hobby, the avocation, or whether I will still refrain.... I think the above ideas help to put into words why my actions, my ideas, my behaviors may at times feel diametrically opposed to each other.  I mean, in my MIND, I see the incongruity of being a runner and yet also being a pipe smoker.  It sounds like the left and right hemispheres of my brain do not communicate and run independently.  I can fully understand how odd some of what I write may read to you..... no clear, consistent path, no clear, consistent answer.  

 

I apologize for this.  But, even though I wish a lot of my thoughts were more clear cut, and consistent.... what I write IS the reality of how my mind is.... on pipes and pipe smoking..... and on most of the things I do write about here.  

 

If I had my druthers, I would be smoking my pipes right now. I have come to realize in 2020 that I believe I will ALWAYS feel that desire to do so.  I had previously thought that the desires and memories would fade and eventually dissipate.... but that is not my reality.  My reality is that I suspect I am destined to always have this be a competitive interaction between my id and my superego.  I suspect it would be so if I continue to refrain and would also be so if I rejoined the beautiful, graceful hobby.  So, I am not really much if any closer to a decision on this matter today.

 

+ +  +  +  +

 

In my 35+ years of teaching college students, even though I have had a small number of impolite students (including three memorable "doozies"  that live on in my mind in infamy)...... I can still say that 99+% of my students are wonderful, and that I do love teaching, and love working with students.  Even during this mandated cyborg teaching due to Covid-19.... while currently the "fun" is more muted.... it is still something I enjoy, something I believe I am good at, and is something that I feel allows me to contribute to the "good" to help society and to help in a way that I can to try to make things better.  This joy of teaching, and the inherent joy of discovery I get in my research as well both help keep me in my job here at the U, even with the interpersonal relationship issues I have with a couple of folks in the Department that I greatly dislike because of their lack of empathy, lack of kindness and lack of respect.  

Here is a wish for 2021 to be a better and safer year for everyone!

PipeTobacco

 

 

 

Pinball Wizard

 Today has been very busy..... with a wide array of different tasks.... each rather disparate of each other.... so that I feel almost akin to being a veritable pinball bouncing to and fro all over the map.  Hopefully, my movements and actions prove fruitful and I will garner a lot of points as I crash into various bells and buzzers!

1.  Yesterday, because I knew a lot of snow was coming overnight, I decided to add some more outdoor miles to my run.  I ended up running a total of 13.2 miles yesterday just because I wanted to feel the pleasure of running outside..... and believe me, it is much more pleasurable even if it is below freezing temperatures and high winds.  Being outside running releases so much more stress hormones from my body than running on a treadmill.  

2.  This morning, I awoke and peered out the bedroom window.  In the hazily lit, moonlight "darkness" of  5:00am, I could see a fair amount of snow had fallen.  It was only about 5 inches (~12.5 cm).... which is a relatively normal amount to get in a sitting in my neck of the woods, but it was surprisingly the first "real" accumulating snowfall of this season, which is quite late for us.  The snow looked pretty from above, and helped to reflect more of the hazy moonlight so it was brighter outside than usual.  But.... the snow meant it was my destiny to run on the damn treadmill today.  

3.  Started running on the treadmill beast at about 5:15am.  The treadmill is so monotonous that I *KNOW* better than to look at the mileage guage or the time interval listing because it always is disheartening.  Instead, with the few times I have ran on a treadmill in the past, I have a routine that helps me....

a.  First, I cover the gauges with a piece of paper so I do not accidently glance down at the data they show, to prevent me from growing disheartened.  

b.  My routine is to begin my run and get limbered up by listening to 10 songs of my choosing (using my free Pandora account). 

c.  Because it usually takes me a while to get into a comfortable pattern on the treadmill (hence the songs) so that I will not meander off the belt and get injured, during the songs, I am usually concentrating heavily on making my pacing and strides very even.

d.  By the time the last song plays, I am typically feeling fairly well oiled up and consistent in my running so I do not have to concentrate on it as hard (outside running I barely have to concentrate at all, because a little bit of drifting and meandering is not a problem outside).  Now I can begin to pray the rosary.  

e.  With the normal pacing of my prayer through the 8 decades I typically pray each morning and a few other prayers as well that are part of my morning routine, I am usually finishing up my ninth mile of running on the treadmill at the same point I am concluding my prayers.  

With the above routine, I find it more comfortable to run on the treadmill and generate the miles I want to with less challenge.   Today, at the end of the music and the praying.... I then lifted the paper from atop of the gauges and found I had actually ran 9.3 miles.  So, that was good. 

A few of my Catholic friends my have scrunched their eyes quizzically when I said above that I prayed through 8 decades of the rosary.  More traditional rosary prayer involves an alternating set of 5 decades.  However, while I do follow this traditional 5 decade pattern ahead of Mass each week, my personal daily prayer of the rosary the other six days of the week has morphed and evolved over the years to be less traditional.  In my less traditional patterns, I pick and choose at least 5 decades that feel especially important to me on a given day, and have that be a set of five, and the final three that I also pray through vary even more widely.... sometimes these three are simply more of the 15 (actually, now 20 since Pope JohnPaul II added a new set) total traditional decades I have  choice of, but sometimes they are groups of other associated "add-on" theological concepts that I feel are especially valuable for me to focus on in a given day.  For example, for quite a while I had nearly every day a "decade" of prayer that was devoted to focus on the theology of forgiveness, and how I should be more forgiving of others who have hurt me, and how I should be more forgiving of myself and my failures.  There are probably another dozen or so of these "add-on" contemplative "decades of choice” that I will occasionally use as I work from decades 6-8 each morning.  

Running while praying the Rosary also means that (for me anyhow) a "traditional" string and bead style rosary (some people mistakenly suggest it is a necklace style) is not particularly successful for me to use while running as a tool to keep track of my prayer to help me.  I only use my traditional style rosary when praying ahead of Mass.  When I run outside, I will use a finger rosary instead, and is a very comfortable fit for me while running.  On the treadmill, however, I find even the finger rosary a bit daunting as well because sometimes I have to reach out to the side rails of the treadmill beast to steady or orient myself on the track.  So, when I run on the treadmill, I have found that I simply use my fingers to keep track of my position in the rosary.... one hand for decades, the other for prayers within the decade.  

4.  A lot of work on syllabi this morning.

5.  A lot of work on various other documents to get students up to snuff the first week of the semester.

6.  A few phone conversations with some folks in the Department.

7.  An online meeting with the set of lab instructors I coordinate for one class.

8.  Discussion with my wife about items for our grocery list and our impending menu for the week.

9.  Shoveling of the driveway and porch.

10.  In the small moments I had while I ate my foods for breakfast and lunch, I purposefully allowed myself some time to "daydream" or at least allow my "imagination" to drift away from tasks.  The two places my imagination meandered to during these brief respites were:

a.  I thought about and have now firmly committed to my "rejuvenation project" being my tearing down, re-padding, polishing, tuning, modulating and tweaking, and finally rebuilding a 1930's era full-metal, silver plated soprano clarinet I picked up a while ago.  It is indeed in ROUGH shape at the moment, but with some gentle coaxing, with meticulous care, and a whole helluva lot of elbow grease.... I think it is going to become a real beauty.  I also have plans to refurbish the case.  Because of the external material on the case being nearly destroyed and the interior being no better, I am thinking of thinking of first dismantling the guts of the interior of the case,  working on eliminating the "old book and musty basement smell" of the wooden guts of the interior, and then re-lining this interior skeleton with a durable, black "velveteen" style jet black fabric.  For the outside, I am feeling a bit more experimental.... I am going to try to find some sites on-line that discuss the potential to use a dense, smooth, black fabric and to "decoupage" the fabric onto the exterior of the shell of the case.  I seem to think this SHOULD be possible, and I suspect there are some very durable decoupage techniques and materials I could use.  I think this method will allow me to make the shoddy old shell look nice as I can fuss and form the fabric around all the various curved edges of the case. 

b.  I also though about *if* I am going to allow myself a pipe to try "for old times sake", that I have now picked the right pipe tobacco for this potential foray.  I am still debating in my mind if I can and/or should take this step/this potential risky foray or not.  But.... if I do decide to do so, I have determined that I will be indulging in a nice bowl of traditional, non-aromatic Sir Walter Raleigh, cube-cut pipe tobacco.  While I have a large array of different pipe tobaccos to choose from, I thought this very old-fashioned, delectable burley pipe tobacco would be the right one for me.... as it was the very first pipe tobacco I had ever sampled, so very long ago when I surreptitiously "borrowed" a little bit of Sir Walter Raleigh from my Dad's tub of it in the cupboard.  It was where the beauty of the briar was revealed to me.  

I think that shows I did a helluva lot of work already today.  I am going to go walk the dog now for a bit, so she can have some fun in the snow, and then I will get back on the infernal computer for a bit to try to tidy up a few more files for next semester.  

PipeTobacco

Lorenz, Pipe Cleaners, Running, "Stuff"

 

Above is Nobel Prize Awarded scientist, Konrad Lorenz, who along with Nikolas Tinbergen and Karl von Frisch co-shared the prize for their work in establishing the discipline of biological science known as ethology.... the study of the physiology of behavior.  

All through my life,  from when I was a young teen, I have appreciated and enjoyed learning biography of significant scientists, artists, and other such creative people.  I have learned a great deal from reading biographical information about these individuals.  

In the more "traditional arts" (painting, writing, music, etc), over the years I have read extensively about Hemingway, Steinbeck, Faulkner, VanGogh, Renior, Picasso, Pollock, Seurat, Davis, Coltrane, Dolphy, and others.

In the "scientific arts" I have also read biographies extensively, including Lorenz, Tinbergen, Cajal, Pavlov, Schneirla, Pasteur, Watson, Morgan, and others.

I find biographies valuable to me, as they give me a far deeper context to view the subjects I find of interest much more intimately and deeply.  Knowing of the artist/scientist and his/her thoughts generally, and especially within the time frame of their various important works is so enriching to me.  And, knowing and learning more of their environment that shaped them also helps me as well.  

I was able to run outside BOTH yesterday and today!!!!  Even though it was several degrees below freezing, the paths were DRY and ice free, so it felt safe.  And, it felt SO very nice to be running outside.  Even though I am thankful I will have the treadmill during rough times.... I can truthfully say that running on the treadmill DOES NOT provide anywhere near the same level of stress relief that running outside does for me.  I bumped up my mileage to 10 miles each day, and may even try to go out again today for a few more miles if it remains nice to get "ahead" of my weekly goal a bit, so if/when I do need to treadmill it for a few days, I can perhaps have shorter runs.  

I was looking through my desk drawer where I have a large supply of my pipe cleaners (I have several styles) and found hidden away a small, ornamental pipe cleaner flower my oldest daughter had made and colored with markers for me long, long ago.  I went and put it on the Christmas tree so it would eventually be put with all our various ornaments from over the years.  There are already four or five other pipe cleaner derived ornaments that have been upon the tree for years, as well as other countless ornaments of all shapes, sizes and derivations.  

I also went out into the garage yesterday and was rummaging through my "pipe tool box".  This is actually an old tool box I had picked up at a rummage sale probably at least 30 years ago now for, if I recall, around 50 cents.  This tool box has within it an array of pipes, pipe cleaners, tobacco, lighters, fluid, etc that I had always used to "grab and go" on camping trips, fishing trips, hunting excursions to "deer camp" and often just left in the back of my pickup truck.  I really liked this pipe tool box when I found it at the rummage sale, and it perfectly accomplished for me, a quick, portable means for me carry around when desired, the various pipe items for an array of outdoor activities.  Previous to finding my rummage sale tool box, I had been using a pair of old shoe boxes to cart around the items, which was not as stable, reliable, or  functional.  I also greatly appreciate that this tool box, while mostly metal, it has a band of real wood (oak, I believe) that extends around the circumference of the steel lid other than where the hasp for a lock resides. The pipes in my pipe tool box are all very serviceable, but have been so heavily used and enjoyed that their "rough" appearance made them more suitable for outdoor pursuits away from "civilization".  But, I knew I had at least a few of my more "robust" pipe cleaners in there, the type that had a small percentages of the fuzz be of tougher, "scrubbing" bristles to help clean out especially heavily used shanks and stems in well used pipes.  

I am planning on fussing around today with my syllabi for classes this next semester.  If I can get the dates all set in my five syllabi, with what now appears to be the FINAL, locked-in Covid-shaped U Calendar.... for next semester.... I will feel a sense of calmness about beginning the other work of shaping things electronically.   

PipeTobacco

Monday Summary

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were very nice overall in our household. Our turkey dinner on Christmas was quite fun and festive as a turkey dinner with stuffing and all the other fixings is always a pleasant and "homey" experience since we have this dinner perhaps four times a year.  

With the more unpredictable schedule for Christmas and heck, for all of this past week, I am very relieved and happy to report that with some finagling I was still able to accomplish a full 52 miles (~84 km) of running last week.  It was a bit dicey (as is predictable) on Christmas, where I literally forced myself onto the treadmill to try to run after dinner.... and managed to only accomplish 3.1 miles of my normal 9 miles before throwing in the towel.  Luckily, I had been adding an additional mile here and there all week long, thinking Christmas Day might be difficult to find time to run.  I also ran a total of 12 miles on Saturday to further compensate.  

It is tough running on the treadmill for me.  I have to be much more attentive and focused or I can easily go astray and run into trouble (pun intended) with moving off the belt.  The concentration, the attentiveness, and the lack of change of scenery makes it a bit of a challenge to relax my body during the run, makes it a much more challenging effort to pray the rosary, and the enclosed space of the room with the treadmill (our basement) makes me VERY tired by the time I hit the 9 mile mark.  And, I very truthfully need to always wipe down the machine afterwards as I am literally dripping sweat all over the damn thing by the time I am done.

I am still debating between my id, ego, and super-ego on whether or not it may be legitimate and fruitful to indulge in a pipe or two during this break period.  Just the *thoughts* of doing so feel so vibrant and enthralling.  I spent an hour or so yesterday opening up various tins, pouches, and bags of my varied stock of pipe tobaccos, absorbing the beautiful aromas of each mixture or blend or variety.  I contemplated which leaf I would choose if I were to take on this adventure.  

My wife is attempting to coax us (me, actually, as she is fully on board) to get or subscribe to Netflix.  I am not really sure if I want to deal with another "gizmo" sort of new electronic THING or not.  "Streaming" just seems too damn ephemeral to me for its costs and its *perceived* benefits.  I personally do not think the expense is worth it, and I feel for the modest amount of television we watch (arguably, she watches far more than I do), it seems unnecessary with what we already have via our cable television provider  and our option to utilize Amazon on the rare occasions we would like to see something not on our cable system.  

PipeTobacco

Christmas Day

 From the Christmas Mass this morning, we ate breakfast with my Mother-in-law and then proceeded home and had gift giving in the family.  

Merry Christmas to all. 

Christmas Vigil Homily

At Christmas Vigil Mass, Father stated this that stick with me:

“Our environment affects us, but does not control us.”

This is helpful to me.  

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas!

PipeTobacco 

Hitting All the Hard Items

 I have been one helluva busy beaver these last two days.  I have been running 10 miles (~16 km) each day.  And, today there were 20 mph headwinds (~31 mph) for half of it which was really difficult with it being at the freezing mark for temperature.  

I spent all day yesterday with the wife and one kid of ours delivering cookies all over the place.  Today, my wife and I spent all day wrapping presents for folks.  

I had forgotten (or perhaps chose to ignore, or perhaps thought I had grown past) all the various Holiday triggers for me this time of year.  Having a huge array of rich cookies and pastries around me all day, every day makes it extremely difficult for me to NOT eat them constantly all day long.  In my prior patterns before losing 130+ pounds (~60 kg) several years ago, I would snack most of the day at this time of the year.  Being home with all these treats makes it seem harder than even just last year (pre Covid) because I could go to the U, I could go shopping, or other things which had often been coping mechanisms to not eat out of “just because” it was there.  

Three years ago, I would often have a drink or two in the evening this time of year, just with visiting with friends or relatives.  I do not have any real issues with drinking to any excess, so I could do that now without any worry.  But, I do not do so, because the one thing I do know is that with a drink or two in my belly, the willpower I can muster to refrain from eating excessive sweets is reduced.  And, the most problematic issue is that a drink or two makes my desire for a pipe go up exponentially.  

And, my pipes at this time of year until these past 34 months were always my constant companion, my go-to way to take a bit of a break in the day, a way to simply enjoy a moment of not working.  Hell, the pipes were also part and parcel of my WORKING on things this time of year too!  I am feeling rather “naked” and a bit lost this year without a pipe.  I keep ruminating much of the day if I COULD have a pipe just for “old times sake” during this time.  I keep nudging my mind more closely to thinking perhaps I could.  I do SO very much want to.  It seems like it would be a cornucopia of joy and pleasure to do so, even if just once.  But, I keep debating in my mind if I am being truthful to myself or if I am just selling myself a bill of farcical goods with this notion.  

It is a challenging time for me, to discern my true path.  It is a period where my thoughts simply swirl back and forth.  

PipeTobacco 

Been Thinking Some

 I still let the grades “marinate” so-to-speak until Sunday night, but then I decided that it was time and I uploaded them right before I went to bed at midnight.  So, they are done.  

I still was feeling quite a loss at not having my own marination ritual of a few drinks and a few pipes like I had done so consistently on Marination Friday, but what can I do?  It does not exist anymore.  

My wife was busy with a doctor’s appointment and work today.  We had spent both Saturday and Sunday making and baking a huge array of cookies.  Today, some of my kids and I spent the day decorating the cookies in as fancy a way as we could.  We actually had great success in making an icing that not only tasted good, but hardened sufficiently to allow stacking (not an easy task, because good tasting frosting tends to not harden, and icing that hardens often is blah.  But we managed to make a frosting that was damn good, was able to be piped decoratively in about 10 different colors we made, and the frosting became beautifully hard to boot!   We also tried for the first time to make “flood icing”.  Flood icing is rather boring in terms of flavor, but it is beautifully shinny and smooth.  We used that to make shirts on our gingerbread men, and mittens and hats on the snowmen.  Our plan is to box and/or tin up the 25-27 packages of cookies we want to drive around and deliver (socially distanced) to friends and relatives..... hope we will box/tin them tonight, and make deliveries tomorrow.  We even have made two different gluten free cookies for two families who have some family members with Celiac’s Disease.  

I have been contemplating if perhaps it might be ok for me to have a pipe or two during this time of the Holiday.  It sure would be a beautiful experience.  I am not sure if staying away is such a worthwhile goal at the moment or not.  But, I am also not sure if I would simply slide back (perhaps blissfully) fully into the hobby either.  While that sounds wonderful as well.... it really is probably not wise.  I do not know if I were to briefly rejoin the joy of pipe smoking if I would be able to muster enough gumption to refrain again, however.  So, it is more than a bit of a conundrum for my to decide upon.  

PipeTobacco 

So Much

 

I am feeling like both a cyborg this morning and also like an CPA (Certified Public Accountant).  It is that time of the semester where I am feverishly inputting scores as fast as I can after grading papers and exams, and doing all manners of number crunching.  I am aiming to submit my grades as soon as feasible now that my last final has concluded.  

This time of the semester USED to be especially fun and enjoyable because of a long standing ritual I had established for the Friday of Final Exam Week  for many, many years:

1.  Inevitably, by the end of the day, Friday, of this week, I would be tired from all the number crunching I would be doing and all the grading as well.  

2.  I would aim to have the basic grades determined for my students before I left for the day on Friday. 

3.  Right before I would lock up my office and head out, I would send my "marination" letter to students.  It would read something like the following:

Hello to My Many Students in XXXX class:

As you know, grades for our course are to be turned in by me in the early part of next week.  I have worked through a rough idea of the grades, but now it is time for them to "marinate" over the weekend.  This marination process is critically important for it helps me to determine if there may be some adjustments that need to be made and may even potentially guide me to give a slight curve to the course.  But, this marination process takes time, and I will not be checking e-mails during this period.  

Professor PipeTobacco  

4.  Then, I would have a standing offer that I would always eagerly accept to go and visit my elderly father-in-law, and we would chat, consume a libation or two or three (I would refer to it as gently marinating my mind.), and of course indulge with my father-in-law in various delightful pipe tobaccos in our pipes.  I would also get him laughing with a wide array of tales of the various exploits of my students across the semester as well and also specifically remind him of the marinating process for grades.  If we had a good time (which we always did), I would feel more inclined to be gentle and kind to the students come Monday when I would finalize the grades.... or if I felt especially ambitious, I might finalize things during the weekend and drop them off on Monday.  

So, while there were never times I did not enjoy smoking my pipes, the "Marinating Friday" pipe smoking with my father-in-law was definitely in the top tier of especially enjoyable and looked forward to pipe smoking "events".  

So, today being what would have been a "Marinating Friday", I am feeling especially strongly the passing of my father-in-law.  He was such a great guy... a father-in-law, a true second father for me as my father had passed away long ago, a true friend, a "drinking buddy", and a "pipe buddy" as well.    And, I am also deeply missing the ritual of "Marinating Friday" and I am especially missing the joy, tranquility, and cheer of having several pipes as a "celebration" of a semester that has been successfully completed, a "celebration" of the true START of feeling the Holiday Spirit, a "celebration" that all is as it should be with the day-to-day life I and my family have.  

The flavor, the texture, the gentle pleasure of the pipe tobacco upon my mind, the warmth of the bowl in my hand, the ritual of slowly filling the bowl to the brim with gentle brown crumbles of leaf, the process of drawing flame into the bowl.  The contentedness that arises from these actions, which are still so innate in my abilities.  I so very much miss the whole package of this hobby, this avocation, this part of myself.  

PipeTobacco

Tough Weather, So A Change

 

I have to admit I have been very damn lucky so far this Winter (Technically we are still in Fall, but Winter snow and ice can easily arrive anytime from about October 15th and later.).  I have been able to run OUTSIDE every day up to this point.  

However, because of both my age and general klutziness, I feel the risk of getting injured is far too high if the roadways, sidewalks, and pathways I run on are slippery with snow or ice.  I have fallen painfully a few times while WALKING on these routes when icy over the years, and sadly being a damn klutz means I have even tripped and fallen a small number of  times while running on DRY days.   If I were to run on these routes when it is icy.... I am regrettably all too confident it would not end well. 

So, we had a light coating of snow yesterday afternoon.  When I got up at 5:30am, I gamely got dressed in all my layers and proceeded outside to see if it might still be safe enough to run outside.  I got on the path and started to slowly and gingerly jog a bit to see what it was like.  Unfortunately, the light dusting of snow made it impossible to discern icy patches on the path, and within about two minutes I had felt my feet slip at least three times.  So, I gave up and walked home.  

Normally when this happened in other years, I would go to a community indoor track and run loops instead to meet my mileage.  But, with the damnable Covid-19 pandemic, I feel it is too unsafe to exercise (and breath heavily) indoors EVEN IF the indoor track was open.  It has been closed for a few weeks now due to the upsurge in cases anyway.  

I KNEW this would be a very problematic situation for me, so several weeks ago I forced my penny- pinching self to pry open my wallet and bought a USED treadmill that was being gotten rid of by a family about 1/2 a mile away from us.  

So, when I returned home this morning, I went into the basement where we moved this beast of a treadmill, and I began to double check and triple check how I had put it back together after having dismantled it to get it in my vehicle and back to our house after purchasing.  I also reread the owners manual (again) to make sure I had made the recommended adjustments on the rollers and reassessed  everything on the beast as much as possible and also made sure one more time that the electronic gizmos on it were set up properly and were functional.  

Then I ran my 9 miles.  Treadmills are really not fun to run on.  But, it IS a helluva lot better than not being able to run.  I was happy that the machinery seemed to survive the pounding I gave it.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will work reliably at least to mid-April of next year.  By that time, I should have a very good chance of ice free paths.  

I still will check the weather and paths each day, however.  If I can find days where it is dry enough on the trail, I will still gladly try to brave the cold to be able to be outside running. I am hopeful there will at least be an occasional day where this is possible.  

PipeTobacco

My TMJ is Acting Up

My TMJ has been acting up a bit the last couple of days.  It means that I am clenching hard on my teeth.  I wear a bite splint faithfully every night and have done so for well over four decades, but sometimes that does not completely help.  

Strange as it may sound, as soon as I can today, I am going to use what I call a "bite sock".  In order to do this, I need to have no one around because it looks so damn foolish. 

Very simply, what I do is literally stuff part of a sock in my mouth so that my upper and lower incisors can bite on the soft, thick padding of the sock.  After about an hour or so, biting the sock has allowed for there to be far, far less pressure on the teeth in my molar regions both on the left side and right side (and of course top and bottom rows).  And, the pressure on my actual temporomandibular joint has also decreased.   I likely will still feel a bit sore from the clenching overnight, but it will be much less than it has been.  

Why a sock?  Well.. several reasons.... 1) when I fold and then eventually roll the sock, it becomes a soft, yet springy roll of fabric about the same diameter as a sandwich snack cake (like a Twinke, or a Little Debbie Roll, or something similar).  The sponginess, and the lack of being able to clench my molars, but only my incisors is also key to it helping me.  2)  Socks are very abundant in my house.  I have a set of 5 pair that used to be running socks, but now have heel holes, and so (after laundering) have rotated into being "bite socks".  

Some evenings, when I go to bed, if I am feeling pain in my jaws already, I may sleep using both the bite splint and the "bite sock".  

I think I often used holding the stem of one of my pipes in my mouth as a sort of "spacer" that would also prevent me from clenching my teeth together.  And, in fact, I suspect that may be an important factor for me to recognize.  Now looking back on it, I believe I may have only started using the "bite sock" AFTER I laid down my beautiful pipes 34 months ago.  Perhaps I was using the stem of my pipe, without realizing it, as this spacer purposefully as a treatment to help my TMJ?    

PipeTobacco

A Favorite Aspiration

The Rockwell image above has always been a personal favorite and a bit aspirational too.  I now do wear my beard and mustache similarly robust and fluffy as this fellow.  And, although I am as grey as grey can be.... I am still more of the “steel wool” coloration rather than white.  I do not know if my genes are such that I will forever appear as if a “Brillo Steel Wool Pad” or if I will eventually get to be white.... but it would be nice in some fashion to become fully white, for I could then attend “Santa School” and have the fun of such an endeavor to imagine in retirement.  I think I would greatly relish being a "Santa". 

I do think the “pure white” look may elude me, however, as neither my Mom or Dad ever lost the blueish, steel wool grey coloration.  And, while I used to be as pleasantly stocky as the fellow above, I now would need to supplement my belly with considerable padding to acquire appropriate girth.  

Santa’s beautifully ornate pipe in this particular image is one I have always admired too.  The ash cap / wind guard is just pure art.  The pipe Santa has in the above is also one of my favorite shapes.... the full-bent bowl and shank.... but especially the quite broad, robust and stout stem.  It is a stem design that is especially comfortable for clenching between the teeth.  I do have 3-4 pipes with that beautifully wide and stout stem, and they have always among my most comfortable and favorite pipes to indulge with.   I have regularly imagined that if I were to play as Santa, I would indulge in a delightfully  “gingerbread and molasses” flavored aromatic burley while conducting my work as a facsimile helper of the jolly old elf.  I did at one time have a half pound of the pipe tobacco blend that I think would be perfect for this task.  I may need to check my stockpile of pipe tobaccos to see if I have any left.  I am not sure, but I think I may have smoked through all of this delightful leaf unfortunately, as it used to be my blend of choice at parties and such during the Holidays. It has likely been at least four years since I can remember purposefully having a bowlful of this aromatic, and, I believe it was at a gathering of the families at my in-laws home.   

The slight amber hue of the more distal hairs of Santa’s mustache are a perfect part of his “look” too.  I miss that my mustache has lost its amber tinted edges since I began the task of refraining.  

But, I *did* have a heavily icicle encrusted mustache and also a fair amount of ice in my beard by my mouth when I had completed running my 9 miles this morning.   It was briskly cold (15 degrees F, -9.5 degrees C) and I had on three layers on my legs, four on my torso and two on my head to withstand the temperature.  Fortunately the wind was minimal this morning.  

I am going to continue to cyborg into the afternoon, but then I may "sneak" onto the U's campus in the later aspect of the afternoon to check on my various critters. My wife and I and some of the kids are planning a cookie bake-off for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Our goal is to produce around 25 dozen cookies that we will package and distribute to a variety of relatives and friends on Sunday and/or Monday. It is the one time of year where I actually will work on making cookie recipies "as is".... meaning following the given recipe.... I usually like to experiment and alter ingredients in recipes of all sorts.... including cookies. Typically, I  end up making cookies without butter during the regular part of the year.... and they usually are quite good, just a bit more "cakey" than traditional cookies.  But, for Christmas, we will use real butter, and what the original recipe says in terms of ingredients will be the "LAW".  My wife and I reached this "agreement" of sorts several years ago after some cookies from one of my "experiments" ended up accidentally getting into part of  the cookies we gave as a gifts.  If I remember correctly, it was a very experimental mollasses & sugar cookie fusion I made with added curry, tahini, & raisins that I created on a whim. :)  They actually WERE quite tasty... but one somewhat "stogy" sister-in-law who abhors virtually any kind of spice, and DOES NOT like "experiments" was not amused.   :)

PipeTobacco 

A Better Cyborg

 I want to state first that vomiting my emotions on the page last Friday was actually pretty helpful for me.  It allowed me to categorically state my feelings and emotions so that they did not have to keep ruminating in my mind.  As a result I had a much more pleasant weekend and day today.  

My weekend and today was spent, primarily, as usual..... with cyborging.  But, as this is the final exam week at my U., it has been cyborging with a sense of accomplishment.   I finished getting my last final exam UP into the cyborg universe this morning, and so each of the five are all set to be available HOPEFULLY at their correct times for the students.  

I spent the rest of my cyborging time today fussing with grades.... mostly seeing about my 250 students.... and looking at things they may have missed and giving some an additional FINAL option to turn the things in or they would have to earn a zero.  

In the background, I had playing on my computer, a “radio” program where there happened to be a pipe smoking group that was from several years ago.   My desires for a pipe have been very strong, but manageable.  Listening to the fellows talking about the flavors and enjoyment made me both happy and regretful.... I have to admit I love everything about smoking a pipe, and I have to accept that may never subside, but will undulate between manageable times and difficult times...... with maybe a rare moment or two where I *might* be distracted enough to not think of them.   

Running was EXTREMELY cold today.... 15 degrees and about 20 mph winds..... but I still did it outside!!!! All nine miles!!!!  But I really need to devote some time to adjusting the used treadmill to get it up to snuff.  I need it since I have no other option once there is ice.  

One pleasant thing I did was clean up the basement so that my workbench is now functional for a few instruments I want to start to tear down and refurbish.  My first one is a beautiful (it will be at least) metal clarinet I was able to find dirt cheap.  I have a clear mouthpiece that I think will make it stunning too after I repaid and polish it up.  I am thinking I will keep it in my office at the U.  

PipeTobacco 

Not Really Sure

I am not really sure if it is a good idea to post today or not.  Things are not in a particularly good spot at the moment.  But, I thought if I perhaps made a list quickly of my thoughts that roll around in my head at the moment, it might let me ignore them for a while and become more productive and less exhausted:

1.  The suicide of my friend has stirred up a lot of emotions in me.  The obvious ones are the sense of loss of this person and the sadness especially for his wife and children.

2.  But, experiencing a suicide (at least for me, everyone is different) also reawakened a helluva lot of hurt, anger, and frustration in me.  I figured it might do this as it had done so in the past.  But, it has been emotionally very challenging especially since Monday for me.

3.  Dredged up feelings of significant anger about my own mistreatment by the person I have written about before have welled up inside me.  I cannot stand to be around this person, and yet I have to be as this person is a member of my Department.  Yesterday, there was an online Department Meeting, and this horrendous person was of course there, and this person ACTS all "nice" and "kind" and "supportive" but it is such a damnable lie, for inside this person ONLY looks out for him/herself.  Every damn thing he/she does is to make everything better for him/herself without ANY regard for the thoughts of others.  

4.  I went to another U sponsored Grief Counseling session today, and the one good to realize, but truly pathetic thing I learned (realized) about myself, is that when someone hurts me or damages me in some fashion, my natural reaction is to retreat.  I see that far more clearly in myself now that I was helped to recognize it.  And, I hate and am ashamed of myself for being this way.  I retreat into a damn hole, and try to ignore it or hope the pain and the hurt go away.  

5.  This week, I have felt so angry and so utterly tired.  Part of the "retreat" b*llsh*t I also do is sleep.  I have felt so utterly worn down from these feelings of hurt and anger that I have gone to bed almost as quickly as I get done eating.  Sleep, at least thus far, has been my primary comfort.  

6.  When I applied for and got a job offer about three years ago, it was something I applied for ONLY because of this damn person.  The job was not as nice as I have here (at least pre-this wretch of a person), but I *DID* want to take it to be as far away from this *ssh*le as I could be.  And, since this cretin is here, that other job would have truthfully been a lot better in that regard.  I ultimately did not take the job because I did not want to cause such disruption for my family.  It was at a small U several states away from where I am.

7.  I did switch offices however.  My office (not lab office, regular office for student interaction in teaching), the one I had since I started with at the U many decades ago was only a very few doors away from the office this horrid person received when he/she very unfortunately joined our campus 5 years ago.  When an office opened up last year about as far away from this person as I could hope to get, I jumped at the chance.  

So, 5, 6, & 7 all exemplify how the sh*tty ways I respond to the feelings of anger and distrust I have about this horrendous person are simply to retreat, like a damn coward.  I so hate that I see that in myself now.  

Oh, yes... I *know* the "easy" answer is to "talk it out" with this horrible mass of cytoplasm.  I inherently know this in my mind.  But, equally as much in my mind, I also *know* that this person is incapable of any real understanding of the word "compromise" and that whatever this *ssh*l* wants, he/she will badger, and crab, and TALK INCESSANTLY about it... all day, every day, until he/she wears people out and folks agree with him/her to get him/her to just shut up.  He/she is so thoroughly manipulative and exhausting. 

Other very annoying, hard crap has been going on in other aspects of my life this week too.  Too damn much of it than I want to try to even try get down on this blog.  Just suffice it to say, it has not been a stellar week by any stretch of the imagination.

So, to conclude on a "happier" note:

1.  I have ran outside every day this week.  Nine miles each day like usual.  It is the only way I have had to try to keep my stress somehow manageable.  

2.  My nightly pipe dreams.  Almost every day this week I have had pipe dreams.  And they are so vivid and joyous.

One final thing:

Believe me, when I do say that I have wanted to smoke my pipe all week.  But, the one thing I know (of the very limited crap I know), is that *if* I am ever to pick up a pipe again, I do not want it to be because I am angry, frustrated, or distraught.  When I was heavier, I began to realize that I used to eat (and smoke my pipe) more when I was feeling angry.  One of the most difficult things I had to teach/train myself while I was losing weight was to NOT eat when experiencing negative emotions.  The actual "not reaching" for junk to eat when I was stressed or angry.... in itself initially made me more angry or frustrated.  But, gradually.... over a period of about 2-3 years, I was able to put a clamp on that emotional response.... I do not ever allow myself to eat out of anger anymore.  And, I have used that same tactic with smoking my pipes too.  So, even though I had a lot of cravings to restart smoking my pipes.... I also had the feelings of anger which I had vowed WOULD NOT be my reason to restart something so beautiful.

I wish I had something more valuable to post.  But, this is it.  I have basically just vomited the words onto this page.  No editing.  So, I apologize for incoherence as well. Now, after this 15 minute break, back to more cyborg grading and exam writing ("joy").

PipeTobacco

Friday Thoughts

 

 A bit of background before I begin talking (at least in metaphors) about the suicide probably on Monday....

Unfortunately, this is not the only suicide or suicide attempt of a person I know to have occurred in my life.  Very unfortunately, these are the background statistics of friends or relatives I have known who have committed or attempted suicide:

1.  Relative - committed suicide with medication overdose.

2.  Relative - committed suicide with gun.

3.  Relative - attempted suicide with medication overdose.

4.  Friend - committed suicide with gun.

5.  Relative - attempted suicide with medication overdose.

6.  Friend - committed suicide with gun.

Dammit.  Until I actually wrote it all out, I was not even cognizant of how many of these horrors that have affected me and my family.  Just the sheer number alone is very taxing to look at.  

It is no wonder to me, when I look at the above, that I now better understand how I have promoted and supported suicide prevention organizations over the course of my life, and how I am also so much in favor of very, very tight gun control policies overall, but especially for handguns.  

Enough of this topic for today.

+++++

Hit the trail for my run at 5:03am.  Not as much wind today which was really nice.  Ran the 9 miles quickly and was able to get cyborging by 7:15am. 

I have a goal of trying to finish writing two exams (final exams) today for two of my courses.  I also want to try to videotape the last two lectures I have yet to provide for the students.  If I can get all these things done, and it goes smoothly, I may be able to NOT cyborg on Saturday and can participate more in decorating the house for Christmas, and maybe only do a little touch-up cyborging on Sunday.  

Better yet, if I can get all the above done at least sometime during the weekend.... then on MONDAY, I should theoretically be able to spend the whole damn day cyborging ONLY about grading papers, assignments, and exams!!!!!!  That would constitute a wonderful cyborg day for me.  

+++++

Last night, while sleeping, I had quite a vivid dream, that was a bit different than the way a lot of my dreams are organized.  Usually, when I remember a dream, it is laid out or set out in the pattern of a linear sort of novel or film.  It is very typically really only about one particular event.  But, last night, my dream was more like watching an old-school Kodachrome slide show.  The dream itself was a series of what felt like brief snippets of video film, perhaps 3 seconds or so each, of a huge array of different points in my life.  And, it was indeed a pipe smoking dream too.  The odd thing was that each of these little "videos" were of ME.... so I was seeing myself in the video, and was frequently interacting with any number of folks. Each video capture me briefly smoking my pipe, and then it was onto another brief video.  There was no pattern temporally or any sort of identifiable pattern I could discern.  Time periods would shift backwards and forwards, and it just basically occurred for what seemed like a good hour or so.  It felt like I saw 1,000 images.  And, the other oddity was that there was no sound either.  

+++++

Well, I guess this is it for now, I took a quick break, but I need to stay focused if I am potentially to attain a "No-Cyborg Saturday".  Last night I started a crock-pot dish of dried beans that I added a lot of great spice to.  They should be nice and tender by this evening, and we are going to have an evening meal of NACHOS today!  I am looking forward to it!

PipeTobacco  

So, So, Cyborg

 Today was a giant “DO” day..... meaning I did a helluva lot on my computer.  But, even though it was non-stop cyborging... it was comfortable cyborging..... of things that were at least mildly NORMAL.... like grading, like writing lectures, like attending a modestly productive meeting.  It was not the 55,000 mouse click to get one thing cyborged type work that is really IT work.  If I had a permanent job as an IT person, I truly believe I would give up and live as a homeless bum on the street instead.  I am amazed at the stamina people who like IT minutia have for that sort of thing.  To me it is draining.  

I had incredibly deep yearnings for a pipe and pipe tobacco today all day too... but they were not distracting nor even having me feel glum..... they were very intense, but they were mostly giving me feelings of joy because I KNOW how utterly delightful pipe tobacco in a warm briar pipe can be.  I *think* I was finding the memories of indulging wonderful because they were so, so very true and real.  But, even though I wanted to smoke a pipe very much...  I was, I guess, in a place of mind with my busy PRODUCTIVE work, that I felt I was in a NORMAL place to experience the yearnings.... like I would sometimes feel.... even when regularly indulging to my hearts content, but that it was inconvenient to do so.... so the yearning just felt normal and regular.  I am not sure if that makes sense or not.  

I ran my 9 miles starting at 6:00am in bright moonlight to guide my way..... and finished just after a beautiful, sunny daybreak.  

Still working on how to write about my feelings about the suicide..... I am getting a plan that I think will work and be safe too.  

Turning OFF the computer to shower and eat and spend time with my wife.  But 

PipeTobacco  

Hmmm...

 I do feel a need to express feelings about the suicide, but legal issues make that impossible at the moment.  But to work through some of the emotions I am going to try to use metaphors about my current thoughts and also talk about the other unfortunate suicides and suicide attempts I have been unfortunately touched by in my life.  I have to think more how to proceed, but nothing today.  

******

Today was a full bore day of cyborging.  Generally productive, but taxing.  But, there was one annoying “uppity” student to whom I had to spend a fair amount of time in an effort to write a carefully worded, but quite pointed e-mail to in order to attempt to get her to understand the error of her behaviors.  I shall await her response.  

*****

Hit the trail at 4:53 am..... ran a blisteringly hard (for me) pace through all nine miles.  Only 8mph wind, so that was a great improvement over yesterday.  

Pipes and various dessert foods in my imagination have been my primary form of relaxation today.  I am finally going to get to eat dinner now, after a shower.

PipeTobacco 

Temporary Avoidance, I Guess

 

I have to start off by saying that there are so very many things I *do* wish to write about concerning the terrible and heartbreaking suicide of my friend and colleague.   My emotions are all over the map about this situation.  But, I cannot yet at this time discuss the horror of it.  His office is only three doors from my own.  His death there was so cruel and unjust.  I know I have to work through my thoughts, but I cannot do so yet.  

+ + + + +

So, I will write about what I can.

+ + + + +

Thoughts in a numerical list for today:

1.  I hit the trail very early this morning (5:30am) and ran a half-marathon (13.1 miles, 21.1 km).  It was very cold (26 degrees F (-3.3 degrees C)) and the headwind was a ferocious and biting 16mph (25.7kph).  It was grueling and hard.  It was not my fastest run by any means, but I did complete the damn thing in just a little bit under two hours.  It was my 12th half-marathon run of the year.  I did one each month.  It was a goal I set for myself back in December 2019.

2.  I did reach another "milestone" of sorts for me, but this occurred back around the 16th of November, and I was not writing then.  My other milestone that I was able to accomplish was that I "Ran the Year".  What this means is that on November 16th, I had completed 2,020 miles of running in 2020.  2,020 miles is 3,250 kilometers.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be able to accomplish that.  When I half-in-jest set that goal for myself in December 2019, I presumed it would just be a far-fetched pipe dream.  But... I actually did it.  Looking in my log today, I see I have now ran 2,131 miles (3,430 km) so far this year.  That is not too shabby an accomplishment for an old, grey-bearded duffer.  

3.  Cyborging my work has been very intense, and has grown even more so with the sharp rise in Covid-19 and the upheaval of class format to ALL online for the remainder of the semester.  Added to this is my friend's horrible death was traumatic for students as well, and... and I have found I needed to be gentle with the students and provide many extensions and adjustments of class assignment and exam dates.... which is the right thing to do.... but it just adds another whole layer of complexity and stress to my already stressful cyborging of education.  

4.  This upcoming Friday would have been the normal date for the community band I belong to, to have its annual "big" Christmas concert at what is normally a part of the city's Holiday Festival.  Unfortunately Covid-19 has killed that tradition this year.  Our group has not played since March.  I do miss it.  

I guess that sums up the few things I can think about at the moment.

 PipeTobacco