I Returned to Consistency!

 

 After a few weeks of struggling to get in my 55 miles (~89km) each week, I now for the first week in the last several, completed all 55 damn miles (~89 damn kilometers) in the way I wanted to!  I am finished for the week and it is Friday morning!  Yeah!

Now, for the last few weeks, since my treadmill went belly-up, I have been struggling and fussing to try to get in ~11miles on each weekday.  I rarely met the ~11 mile goal more than once or twice a week during the last several weeks.  This would mean I would have to devote time on Saturday and sometimes Sunday to play "catch-up" so that I could hit 55 miles before the week ended (my gizmo watch records the week as beginning on Monday, and that is how I have also been logging miles in my logbook as well).  

But, I feel good that I found a way to get to 11 miles or more each and every weekday this week!!!!!!  I feel like I have been able to wrangle myself back into the consistency I had been maintaining for such a long time, prior to the damn treadmill failing.  

Maybe, with this accomplishment, I will be able to find a bit of time this weekend to dismantle the errant beast and see if there some potential way that I can repair it and have it available again for rough days?  It would be good if I could figure out a way to fix it.  

PipeTobacco

Purpose?

 

Since my wife was away for a fairly hefty part of the evening last night, I "lived life large" (sarcasm) last evening by indulging in a single bottle of a robust IPA while I ate my "leftovers" meal of a big salad and a bowl of Tofu Thai Curry and Chickpeas we had made a few weeks ago (We had frozen the remainder in single serving sizes after that meal.).  I also had a side of onion-curry rice with it.  And a heaping bowl of steamed broccoli & cauliflower.    

I didn't feel much like watching any of the programs we had on our DVR, nor did not I want to read.  And, I most assuredly did not want to do any additional cyborging work related to the U.  So, I sat on the couch with the dog and gave her a few dog treats.  I even contemplated giving her one or two of my curry tofu cubes, since she gobbled up some we had in a bowl too close to the edge of our kitchen island when we originally made this dish.  But, I thought better of that idea, since she she experienced a slight bit of gastrointestinal malaise following her prior tofu-curry adventure, and I had just completed "poop-scoop" duty out in the yard for the week just the day before.  

So, I sat, and basically contemplated my navel, I guess.  In reality, I was thinking about my "purpose" in life.  Not that I really do or accomplish a whole helluva lot, but I do attempt to live a life with purpose.  I can see a "purpose" to my teaching and research, although my effectiveness in either is up for debate.  I can see a purpose to my being a husband and father, although I wish I could figure out a way to be better at both roles.  I can see a purpose for my running in that I know it helps me to dissipate stress so that I can better strive to live the purposes of my work at the U and my work for my family. I can see a purpose to my faith, and my following the tenets of my faith because doing so helps me better recognize how I should work to be, even though I often fail. 

But then, I also thought of Pat's words yesterday as well, " How hard it must be to keep up your separation! And how wonderful you will surely feel when you end that separation!" and it made me contemplate if there is a purpose behind my refraining from smoking my pipes and pipe tobaccos?  In theory my refraining has as a purpose, the possibility of improving or at least maintaining my current health.  But, in reality that may or may not be a determiner.  I do know that if I went back to them, I would truly enjoy the return.  In fact, I suspect the very tempting reality is that restarting the effort of smoking my pipes now after this length of time away would likely have the experience be as rich and as utterly vivid as it was when I first started as a kid.  It would be quite pleasurable. Hah, "quite pleasurable" is, I suspect, a bit understated.  But, is pleasure itself a "purpose" or is it meant to be a reflection of hard work and effort?  Nothing about pipe smoking is hard work, nor is it any sort of effort.  It is in many regards pure, hedonistic pleasure.  And, could it be that pleasure, without toil to attain it, is perhaps a short-circuit of how we are meant to live?  

What is the purpose of my refraining from my pipes and pipe tobaccos?  To me it is unclear.  But equally unclear is the question, "What is the purpose of my returning to my pipes and pipe tobaccos?"  I do not really know the answers to any of the above questions.  I just know that I thought about these questions last night as the IPA permeated a bit into my cortex to re-sort my thoughts in a bit more philosophical way.  

PipeTobacco

Pipe Mishaps

 

From my writings yesterday, Pat asked me if there were instances where I had some similar malady occur with any of my pipes.  I thought I would reminise a bit about that here today:

In my many beautiful decades of indulging in the art of pipe smoking, my innate "absent mindedness" has indeed come into play on occasion.  I do find it somewhat interesting in regards to my "absent mindedness" that it is NOT that I FORGET things.  In general, I tend to have a very astute memory.... so much so that my wife has often commented that "you never forget ANYTHING" when I sometimes surprise her with some bit of arcane knowledge I recall or when I sometimes aggravate her with my recollection of some specific details (often minutia) of a past event that has occurred.  

No, in general, my "absent mindedness" is more akin to having my mind wander into its own thoughts in such a way that I am not as "aware" of my surroundings. I have been told a number of times by different folks that they were waving at me, or trying to get my attention as I was walking somewhere in a hallway or somewhere across campus, and apparently I did not notice, as I was thinking about something or other in my own head.  And, it is not even just visual stimulation that I sometimes lose sight of (pun intended) when I am "in my head", but I have been told of at least a few times where folks were vocally trying to get my attention somewhere perhaps down the hall or somewhere a bit afield on campus, and I was so immersed in thought that I did not notice.  I think when this happens, it may be because I often, while walking about, will be remembering some form of music, or even a musical part that I "play" in my mind while I walk. 

This "absent mindedness" comes very naturally to me.  Now, do not get me wrong.  I can, and I regularly do "shut it down" when I am needing to focus on someone or something.  But, when I do not have a purposeful need to pay attention (like when I am walking by myself across campus), my mind easily wanders, and enjoys meandering elsewhere.... and is perhaps a tad "stubborn" in regards to being coaxed back into on the external world unless the stimuli are robust. :)

But, back to my pipes:

• Probably due to the rounded shape of most pipes, I have never had a similar "flyaway" experience with a pipe like I did with my phone yesterday.  
  

• However, I recall one time where I DID leave one of my pipes on the hood of my truck, and as I started to back out of the garage into the driveway, I saw it roll off the hood and clank onto the concrete driveway.  Fortunately, it was a "beater pipe" and was well worn and a few minor scuffs only added to its already rough patina. 

• I also do remember one time where I was out camping, and because it was a dry time of the year, I did not want to rest my pipe on the ground as the pipe was hot and had a very warm ember inside (it was a bowl I had ignited only a minute or two before).  I did not want to risk having the pipe roll over and the ember (or more likely a part of the ember) potentially fall out and ignite the grasses on the ground.  So, I "wisely" rested my pipe on the windshield of my truck and lifted the windshield wiper up and slid the pipe under it and held it in place with the wiper. I then went about the task I needed to do and forgot about the pipe.  When I next wanted to smoke my pipe, I had forgotten about placing it there on the windshield.  After rummaging around the tent and other various locations for about an hour or so, I remembered where the pipe was and retrieved it.

• The one more tragic pipe story related to a vehicle I had when I was quite a bit younger.  As was the norm when I was a young adult (seemingly not so today), most young adults had veritable "jalopies" for transportation.   I was no exception, and for a few years in graduate school I had a wonderful, but well worn (old) VW Beetle.  In one of my projects, I was doing two different tasks, 1) working on riveting into the rusted floorboard in the backseat, a replacement piece of sheet metal, and 2) trying to "gussy-up" the looks of the beast by newspapering and taping the tires, and sanding and priming and spray painting the rims the same color as the body (considered "cool" by many of us back in the day). When you put the Beetle's tiny hub cap back on afterwards, the color keyed rim accented the vehicle well.  Somewhere in that work, I laid down my pipe (stupidly) on the pavement by the tire/rim I had just painted and walked over to the next tire to tape it in preparation for painting as well.  Well, unfortunately a roommate  came out of the house and wanted to leave in his car and he did not have quite enough room to back out around my vehicle.  So, I got in and started my car and was going to back it up a few feet so he could easily get around me..... and you can guess.... I ran over the pipe, causing it to break into multiple pieces.  Fortunately, it also was a very well worn, "beater pipe" so it was not horribly tragic.  But, it was a very nice smoking pipe, and I do think of it occasionally still to this day.    

The above represents all the specifically foolish vehicle-pipe interactions I had.  But, of course, I can also EASILY suggest I have misplaced my pipes probably close to a hundred times somewhere inside my vehicle.  Most often, a cold pipe may roll of a seat and between the seat and the center counsel or find its way under the seat. And I may not figure out for days where it went.  I have misplaced pipes in the trunks of vehicles I had, and have on a number of occasions found an errant pipe in the spare tire wheel well.  Typically, I have a few pipes rolling around in different places in my vehicles anyhow, so if one is temporarily missing, it is usually not a huge problem as I know I will eventually find it again.  

And, there are the many numerous occasions where I lost track of a pipe somewhere in the house, the garage, or in my U offices or laboratory.  I think I wrote about two of them previously here.  One was a wonderfully good smoking pipe (again, well used) that I used in the garage and while doing yard work.  Somehow it rolled around on my workbench and wedged between the bench and the wall, and I did not find it for several months.  It was one of my favorite outdoor pipes and it was greatly missed during that time.  And, I had feared it may have fallen out of my pocket and potentially gotten destroyed by the lawn mower when I mowed the lawn.   

The other long lost pipe that was eventually found happened to be in my lab.  For some forgotten reason, I had somehow wedged my pipe in a really odd spot that I do not normally use in my lab for other than some analysis, poster development, and storage of supplies.  It too was a pipe I was extremely fond of, and I felt its loss during the several months where I could not find it.   

But, I run into pipes everywhere where I live, I have them in drawers throughout the house, in drawers in my office(s) and laboratory, in the rodent colony room, etc.  So, when one is temporarily misplaced, unless it is for some reason an especially prized pipe, I would simply grab a nearby alternate to indulge with, until the errant one returned. 

There are of course, in addition...  the "pretty, more 'special occasion' pipes" that I enjoy (enjoyed, sigh) when I would be more professorially attired.  I keep these on the pipe rack in my den at home, and the pipe rack I have in each of my two U offices.  So, when one is temporarily misplaced, unless it is for some reason an especially prized pipe, I would simply grab a nearby alternate to indulge with, until the errant one returned.  

PipeTobacco

A Helluva Morning

 

My nerves are "jangly" and stress hormones have been surging through my body for a few hours now. I am awfully damn stupid at times and if you were to look up the definition of the phrase, "absent-minded" there would be a photograph of me.  What my body is telling me I want to do, is to have a "boiler-maker" (a shot of whisky and a beer), have a pipe, and take a nap for the rest of the day.  Even though that is what I WANT to do, I will instead simply persevere with work.  

So, to start... there is nothing serious going on.  But you will understand better my reaction as you read further.  Bulleted lists of thoughts to follow, leading to my "absent-minded adventure":

• Yesterday I ran 12.4 miles (~20km). 
• Work at the U was extremely busy yesterday and I did not get home until ~8pm.
• Additionally, at the U, I went to a retirement luncheon for a buddy of mine.  While I am happy for him as he is excited about his retirement, I feel melancholy about  his not being around day-to-day.
• This morning I ran 11.2 miles (~18km). 
• I was able to clean up, get dressed in my U "Professorial Attire", get “all” my gear into the truck, and start heading to the U like I always do.  As is my usual, I was set to arrive at the U about an hour before my first class (which had an exam today).  

Here is where it goes to hell:

• I am completely at fault.  I am a damn stupid fool.  I know and understand this.  But, I also have a reason for my idiocy that I will explain at the end.
• I moronically, while moving around in the garage this morning, before leaving for the U, left my damn phone on the hood of my truck.
• I start driving to the U.  It is raining.  The first mile or so was relatively slow, leaving the neighborhood, moving towards the busier roads that are the easiest way to access the U most mornings.  I get to the busier road with the 45mph (~70kmp) speed limit.  
• Suddenly, there is a bang on my windshield, and reflexively I look and see my phone (which made the sound by flying up and hitting the windshield) careen off the windshield and away to who the hell knows where.
• Panic sets in.  I navigate across traffic as quickly as I can, which happens to be quite a distance down the road, and because of the road design, there is nowhere to pull off until I see a driveway on the LEFT side of the road where I can leave my truck. 
• I get out in the rain, scramble across four lanes of very busy traffic, and begin to walk up and down the berm of the road, looking into the road itself, fearing the phone would get run over by another vehicle, and also looking along the berm itself, because I was thinking it may have flown enough that it might have landed somewhere off the roadway.  
• Since I was not quite sure where I was at precisely when the damn phone flew off, I ended up walking back and forth a few times over about a 1/2 mile (~0.8km) stretch of the road.  
• Fortunately, it APPEARED my phone was NOT in the middle of road as far as I could tell.  But, I could not see it anywhere along the berm either.  I went back and forth along this 1/2 mile stretch several times before I HAD to leave in order to get to class on time.  Unfortunately, there were also deep ditches along a sizable segment of that 1/2 mile too.  
  
• I got to my office about 3 minutes before class was to start, grabbed the exams, and sprinted across the campus center to the building I was teaching in.  
• I gave the exam, feeling jittery as hell. Was the damn phone being crushed/run over?  Was someone finding it and doing who knows what with it?  Did it fall down a sewer drain along the road (I noticed this drain as I paced back and forth not finding the phone earlier)? 
  
• As soon as the last kid finished, I high-tailed it home and borrowed my wife's phone (after explaining my idiocy to her), and went back out to search again, trying to use her phone to call mine, so I might hear it.  I started pacing up and down again, calling my phone with my wife's phone, hoping to hear my ringer go off.  I peered into the ditches, peered into the sewer drain, and tried to keep my eyes peeled even though I was cold (it was 40 degrees F (~ 4 degrees C)) and wet, and the rain was still coming down steadily. 
  
• I cursed, I prayed, I kept calling the phone, over and over again.  I started to expand the search beyond the 1/2 mile or so I started with.

The conclusion:

• It was around 11:45am when I eventually, accidentally found it.  Unfortunately, my wife's phone ended up not helping much because apparently due the forces received in the fall, the "silent" button on the side of my phone must have been actuated, making my phone NOT ring.  But, what I did, was I must have with my foot, moved some of the taller, wilted grass (from last year) and out from under it, a small orange corner of my phone appeared.  
• Apparently, when it flew off my windshield, it was flung in such a way that it landed and slid under some of this wilted, brown grass and leaves that had accumulated from last winter.  
• Although my protective case had a few scuffs on it, the phone was fully intact, fully functional, and even the screen protector was undamaged.  I was awfully damn lucky.  

I am now back at the U, and I am thankful to my wife for helping me, and thankful I found the phone and do not have to go through all those hassles that folks do if their phone goes missing.  

And, yes, I am unfortunately absent-minded.  I know damn well that was a stupid place to leave my phone.  I even said that to myself when I placed it there this morning.  My absent-minded routine is to check EVERY morning for all the things I need before I leave for the day.  I have done this for decades.... because my absent-mindedness is not age related.... it is an unfortunate, innate part of my genome.  I have been this way all my life.  I was in a bit of a rush this morning when I first left to head to the U, and I did not follow my own routine in regards to my checklist. 

Now, my final caveat.... a big part (pun intended) of why I leave my damn phone all over the place (I lose it in the house and in my lab at the U at least a few times each day.).... is because the phone is TOO DAMN BIG.  When I first was required to get a smart phone (by my wife), that first one.... comfortably fit into my shirt pocket.  I could carry it in a shirt pocket, my pants pocket, or a pocket in my sport-coat or jackets.  It was EASY, and I only occasionally misplaced the damn thing.  But, this replacement phone (had it about 2 years now), while the smallest they currently offer..... is SO DAMN MUCH BIGGER than my predecessor, that it does not fit in most of my pockets.... or if it does (it will fit in a pants pocket) it feels so damn big in the pocket itself that it is rather aggravating.  

Again, this was totally my own fault and my own making.  But, truth-be-told, it would have been significantly less likely to have happened if the phones haven't gotten so damn big.

That is enough.  I am spent. I am cold and wet still.  I can smell the wet wool of my sport coat. 

PipeTobacco

Sour Cream

 

 

Salads make up a sizable portion of the food that I eat daily.  I often times eat a salad that is bigger than my head.  In fact, I usually eat a salad that overflows an 8 X 8 inch baking dish.  I do not think I have ever met a vegetable or fruit that I have not enjoyed in a salad.  But, of course, various forms of lettuce, chard, arugula, onions, bell peppers, tomatoes, carrots, and olives are standards that find their way into damn near every salad I eat.  But, I put all sorts of other great things in as well, and this usually helps in using up bits of other things we have been using in other food preparation.  Garbanzo beans (chickpeas), kidney beans, pinto beans, and black beans are frequent fliers in my flight of fancy with salads as well.  But again, nothing is really off limits.

Well.... EXCEPT.... fat.  As a lot of folks know, I try to shy away from eating fatty foods.  I save the small amount of fat I do eat for "splurges"..... like an occasional cookie, or an ice cream cone from the ice cream shoppe... but those tend to be rare, special occasions.  For me, eating very low fat as my day-to-day food plan is, I believe, very helpful for me physically.  

Yet, one thing I have missed is specifically "Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing" that is traditionally made using the seasoning packets shown above in which these seasonings are mixed into a 50-50 blend of whole milk and mayonnaise....  which makes the dressing VERY high fat.  

Ranch dressing is probably my favorite dressing to have on salad.  Even though I do not add much dressing to salad overall, I still refrained from having "Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing" because even the small amount I would use still contained a high level of fat grams.  So, for a number of years, I would try and use just about any bottled, fat-free ranch dressing I could find.  They were generally "ok" and I made due with them.  But, none of them tasted like "Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing" made from the spice packets.  

I am not sure why it took me so long to figure out a work-around for this, for I am always fussing and fiddling with recipies of all sorts when I cook and bake.  But, it was only perhaps four months ago or so, that I suddenly had a "EUREKA" moment.... and figured out a great way to have the true, "Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing" flavor for my salad..... and it is so damn easy, I cannot believe I didn't think of it long ago.  

What I do now, is I have my wife buy (she usually shops for groceries) me a pint of Fat Free Sour Cream.  In the stores in our region, we have four different brands of Fat Free Sour Cream, and we have eaten them all over the years.  One brand, in particular, however, tends to reliably come in a thinner, more "liquidy" consistency than the other three brands.  For most purposes, thicker sour cream is what we prefer...... BUT.... this thinner variety..... is PERFECT for making a fat free version of "Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing".  I simply empty the spice packet into a new pint container of this thinner fat free sour cream, and blend.  

It tastes WONDERFUL and hits all the right "Ranchy" notes I have been missing for a long time.  I think I have made four batches of it since January.  It is great to have that flavor back.  

* * * * *

When I ran my 11 miles this morning, I was amazed that my "gizmoey" watch I wear while running suddenly started to record my heart rate again!  If you may recall, this gizmoey watch was an old cast-off (reject) that my youngest son no longer wanted after he received a mega-fancy, much, much more expensive "gizmo" watch a year or two ago.  Although I never really needed the damn thing, I admit I had grown fond of its ability to record the number of miles I ran because it gave me much more flexibility on where to run as I did not need to stick only to known routes I had already measured the mileage of.  And, I also found it interesting in that it would record my heart rate.... both while at rest and while running.  But... unfortunately, for some unknown reason, in early February, the heart rate monitor quit functioning as did the distance recorder.  It became just a watch. It annoyed me a bit, but what the hell could I do?  So I just lived with it as a watch. Things became extraordinarily busy right around that time, so I never found any time to fuss with the damn thing to see if I could figure out how to fix it. 

But, a few days ago, I thought.... why the hell do I wear this watch, when it is just a boring digital watch that is only a watch, when I have the more interesting, more aesthetically pleasing analog watches I have amassed across my lifetime, that I could wear instead?  So I took it off, attached the gizmo watch to its "charger thing" it needs to keep it running, and have been wearing one of my analog watches all week.  I am actually wearing one of the two "wind up" watches I have that are still functional.  

So... when I awoke to run yesterday, I was going to put on the "gizmo" watch because it has a light button (the wind-up, of course, does not) to run outside, so I could see the time (because it was dark).  But, unfortunately, I had not pushed in the charger "doo-dad" all the way, and the gizmo watch did not charge, and had instead drained completely of power..... zilch.  So, I fiddled with it to assure that the "doo-dad" was inserted all the way into the watch so it would charge, and left for my run without a watch (I used the clock on my phone to figure out what time it was).  

But... now the good news..... this is my THEORY.... so I am not sure if it is true or not.... but I am thinking that perhaps when my "gizmo" watch completely drained itself of energy, perhaps it reset in some fashion to "default" settings.... because lo-and-behold..... both the mileage counter and heart monitor functioned this morning! Perhaps in early February I may have pushed some errant button without realizing it that must have turned stuff off?  I do not really know.  Things have been to hectic work-wise the last several weeks, so I never investigated the "gizmo" watch further.  But, now it appears I no longer need to find time to fuss with the damn thing.  I can just wear it again.    

* * * * *

While running today, I took some time to gingerly venture off the smooth path, back onto some sidewalks instead, to give me a different view.  It was nice, although I did have to be very careful and conscious of watching for cracks and upheavals in the sidewalk so I would not tumble and crash. But, during the miles I was on the smooth pavement, after I completed my daily rosary, I allowed myself to remember and daydream about that beautiful honey-maple burley leaf I found yesterday.  I had not thought of that blend in quite a long time.  But, when I found it, it brought back many memories of wonderful times when I was smoking that blend.  I remember a camping trip when our kids were pretty small, and I remember the flavors of that blend being so pleasant as we sat around the firepit, laughing and talking.  And the camping trip also reminded me of the fun we had playing Uno and "Crazy 8s" with the kids late into the evening at the campgrounds as well.  The scent of the honey-maple pipe tobacco elicited a memory circuit I had not thought of in a long time.  It was part of a conditioned,  olfactory memory, I guess.  

PipeTobacco

Hah! Planaria Must Be Boring

 

Apparently my post about Planaria must have been boring (laugh).  Well, at least MORE boring than what I usually write (wry grin).  Oh well.  

I had to run my 11 miles this morning on the U indoor track because it was pouring rain AND heavy wind (~18-20mph (~30-32kph)).  I would have ran outside if it was just the rain, but the wind just drains my energy.  

As is typical, though, during this time of the year, I am pretty much all consumed with making sure I get ENOUGH lecture topics in form my students as we near the end of the semester.  Even though I was initially nervous, I "hit my mark" successfully in BOTH classes that I lecture to on Thursdays.

In one class, I was focusing on a relatively simple examination of the hormonal signals produced and released by the two subdivisions of the adrenal gland.  As this is a lower level course, I did not focus on much of the beautifully interesting minutia  of the different catecholamines, different mineralcorticoids, and different glucocorticoids... but instead focused only on basic targets and functionality of the key hormones in each group, namely epinephrine, norepinephrine, aldosterone, cortisol, and minute quantities of androgens, estrogens, and progestins. Learning the simplified story I provided them will be enough of a challenge for them.  

In my other class, I was... as is my norm in a higher level course nearing the end of the semester, focusing on some more, rather "esoteric" topics about aspects of the subject that are more at the "outer edges" of our current understanding.  In my neuroscience course I worked to describe and explain "Hebb's Cell Assembly and Memory Storage Theory" which suggests a possible route neurologically by which we are able to create malleable neural circuits that can persist and in effect may be how memories are housed and retained in our mind.  Memory and memory storage is still very much a "black box" concept, however, so a great deal of my descriptions and explanations were couched with phrases like, "... to the best of our understanding...", "...in theory, this MAY allow....",  ".... may potentially develop..." and other such phrases.  

Overall, both classes today were enjoyable and a hoot to teach!  Now I am in my back, back office, and am working on finessing some exam questions for both classes for the upcoming final exams.  

I have the stem of my Dublin pipe gripped gently between my chompers as I type.  It is interesting, but I had not occurred to me before, but gently clenching the stem of my pipe between my teeth feels in many ways similarly to the effect that I get from wearing my bite splint.... in terms of my TMJ (tempormandibular jaw syndrome/disorder).  My bite splint helps me to not grind my teeth together, and it helps me to clamp my teeth together like I am very prone to do.  The beautiful, comfortable stem of my pipe serves a similar purpose.  

Now, if a pipe were to have goals and aspirations, I sincerely doubt its goal would be to become a substitute for a bite splint.  But, I am happy for that value of the pipe stem. Even if the pipe itself is not attaining its true calling to be a conduit to deliver the ebullience inducing, nectar-like, flavorful combustion products of the gentle, pipe tobacco leaf, being a bite splint is also important.  

I found in one of my desk drawers here in my back, back office, a mostly full pouch of a blend I greatly loved from the old Tinderbox store from way back when there used to be one of these stores near.  It is a honey & maple tinctured burley leaf.  I believe Tinderbox Pipe Shops are now extinct nation-wide.  But, when our nearby store closed quite a number of years ago, I remember buying this large pouch to save and ration out slowly.  I opened the pouch earlier today to recall its aroma.  The aroma of the leaf was exquisitely fragrant and utterly enticing.  Even though I sealed up the pouch before I put it away when I headed to classes this morning,  I could still catch a sense of the aromatic leaf when I returned to my office this afternoon.  Simple beauty.  

PipeTobacco

Regeneration

 

In two of my lab classes this morning, besides giving a laboratory practical exam to the students, I am going to have students return to me any of the above beasts they have remaining in their work area to the holding aquarium.  The above images shows two examples of a small flatworm that is called, Planaria.  I will not bore you with the Latin full species name.  

These beasts are very interesting specimens in regards to  work I have students perform in the study of development related to the examination of regeneration.  Planaria exhibit tremendous abilities to regenerate whole body morphology following surgical division.  In the lab, I have students take a small population of Planaria and first chill the planaria and then surgically sever the beasts in a variety of different ways so that the students may then watch and observe the regeneration of the worms over time.  It is typically a very popular laboratory experience and tends to be successful for most all students, even those who otherwise exhibit rather minimal technique and skill in the laboratory.  

In a "bigger picture" sort of way, the concept of regeneration always brings to my mind the idea of being able to renew or repair.  This can be in regards to self, or in regards to relationships, and is something I contemplate quite often.   Having the students work through these experiences as they happened to fall during much of Lent further drew parallels for me in terms of my own goals for regeneration and renewal.  

I am not sure if it may just be me getting older, or if there is/has been a shift in the work environment at the U.... but when I examine my decades here at the U, it sure seems like it takes MORE time to do many tasks than it used to take.  In some ways, I think teaching and research has been affected tremendously by the preponderance of computer use, ESPECIALLY in teaching.  I spend considerable hours a day at a keyboard, which when I first started out the professorial life, I never imagined.  In some fashion, computers have (of course) been helpful.  But, I tend to think they have ALSO proliferated a whole new set of expectations, tasks, and roles in our lives that have supplanted several things in terms of how life used to be.... and sometimes the supplanting has been in the negative direction.  

I swapped out the Peterson pipe I had been carrying about the last several days with one of my Dublin shaped, "basket" pipes.  A "basket" pipe is a budget priced pipe, that very often is as good as a typical "big name" pipe, but the manufacturer chose to not stamp it with his signature brand.  My beautiful Dublin that I have in my pocket today has a bowl that is a more golden/beige hue.  It is a beautiful beast, just like the Planaria are beautiful in their own way.  When I sniff the bowl of my Dublin, I can recognize that the last time I had indulged in the beauty of smoking her, I had been sampling a favorite bourbon infused burley leaf.  The leaf was (is, I still have a sizable pouch of it at home) a potent, pleasurable favorite of mine.  

PipeTobacco

Ok, Enough

 

Bulleted List Time:

• I ran 11 miles (~18 km) this morning, outside starting at 4:45am, because I am going to be damn dogged determined to NOT fall behind the goals this week, so Saturday can be easier.

 

• I have been inside all day, busy at work and lecture and lab.  Today I am in rooms with no windows.  Much to my chagrin, I come out of the rooms I have been working in and glance out a nearby window, and what do I see........ a flurry of HUGE snowflakes.  (I am so very much tired of Winter.)

 

• I am going to take home a huge stack of papers to try to continue to grade.  It does not sound fun in any way, shape, or form.  But, I think if I try to work through at least some of them tonight, I will feel a lot less stress.  

 

• I feel extremely hungry right now.  

 

• I feel BEYOND extremely desiring of a pipe right now.  After I returned to my office after my last lecture, I sat quietly at my desk, held my Peterson pipe (which I mentioned I have been carrying around in my jacket pocket a few days), and gave myself permission to daydream for 10 minutes (I put on a timer.).

 

• For my daydream, I closed my eyes, and quietly both remembered and imagined I was smoking a bowlful of simple, yet potent, vanilla-tinctured burley leaf.  It was utterly beautiful to be in my memory and imagination in that way.  When I can do it well, I can almost TASTE the flavors and FEEL the power the beautiful leaf provides me.  I was salivating like I was one of Pavlov's dogs by the end of the 10 minutes.  Do not worry, I did not drool.... I kept my mouth shut. 

 

• I wish I could get my memories of my dreams to return.  It has been so damn many months since I recall a dream.  In some of my dreams, it truly did feel like I was smoking my pipes.  
  

 

PipeTobacco

Quick Saturday Post

 

Just a quick post, as I have been away a few days:

• Because I was a bit behind in my miles for the week, I ended up running 15 miles (~24 km) this morning to catch up for the week.  Fortunately, there was little wind this morning, so that was helpful.  Feeling BEHIND in my 55 mile goal (88.5 km goal) ALL DAMN WEEK LONG, leaves me feeling stressed.  I do NOT want to fall behind next week. 

 

• Three factors played a role in my falling behind in my miles.  A) Most of the days this week were VERY blustery with winds in the 20-25 mph range.  This TENDS to be a very windy period in my region, but it has been especially strong and consistent all week long. This made it difficult to run outside much.  B) The U has been hosting a week-long State engineering competition for  high school students.  This has made parking a challenge, and most of these events for the competition are occurring in the U building with the indoor track.  It is so crowded in the ENTIRETY of the building because of these folks, that it feels akin to being a character in the science fiction film, Soylent Green.  I have ran VERY EARLY many mornings before the massive hoards of people arrived but, they would arrive pretty darn early most days, cutting my time a bit short.  I even ran once while they were about (where I was fully masked, which is not fun to do when running).  And, C) the larger than typical number of parish events that are occurring because of it being Holy Week.

 

•  I am working my fingers to the bone with all sorts of grading at the moment.  I have two classes with major essays (literature critiques) that I have to finish, plus two versions of a test I administered this week that were produced incorrectly by my secretary.  For both of the errant versions of the exam, I have had to make new keys for each and regrade each.  It was a simple mistake on her part, so I understand and am not upset.  But, it has added A LOT more work on my plate that I didn't need. 

 

• All my time when I wasn't at our parish yesterday was spent on finessing and fine-tuning a grant I had written that needed to be submitted by 5:00pm yesterday (Friday).  I was (lucky) to get it formally submitted electronically at 4:52pm.  

 

• I am already feeling behind in the two chapter reviews I agreed to conduct for a publisher I work with regularly.  One textbook is by a new author in endocrinology, and the other is from a new author in embryology.   I still have time to complete both, but I had hoped to be further along in each by this time. 

 

• I keep thinking about my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  It seems so, so very long ago now that I had the beautiful ritual on Good Friday, that after the service, my wife and I would go travel out to my in-laws and my wife and mother-in-law would go shopping for various items for the upcoming Easter festivities, and my father-in-law and I would typically have an especially grand time with a few drinks and pipes.  My father-in-law had a habit of wanting his drinks to be a bit stronger on Good Friday, and I followed his lead in that regard.  We often played cards and listened to news while we chatted and smoked our pipes, often sampling several different blends across the afternoon. I miss the camaraderie.  I miss the relaxation.  I miss the joyful feeling of the pipe tobaccos. 
  

PipeTobacco

Seeing Reality

 

Ran outside both yesterday and this morning.  It is nice to be running outside again, and there is just enough light in the very early morning that I do feel I am behaving safely so I can (hopefully) see enough to avoid tripping and crashing/falling.  

Anvilcloud mentioned in a recent comment the idea (that he had mentioned before) of me getting a headlight that I could run with.  They do make these devices, and when Anvilcloud had mentioned it previously, I actually explored around and purchased one.  It is a "headband" sort of device that had a battery operated light on it and can be worn alone or over the top of a hat.  I did try it out a handful of times, but unfortunately for me, although it would light my path, because the light would move up and down with each stride while running, after a few minutes, it would start to induce in me a feeling of motion sickness.  Motion sickness does tend to run on my side of the family, and although I have figured out ways to minimize it when I am a passenger in a vehicle, it does occur in a few situations for me that I have not yet figured out how to navigate successfully.  One of them is unfortunately the headlight for running.  The other is in the use of eye glasses with "progressive" (but not called "transition"lenses, which change in color)” lenses.  When I first started needing two lenses in my glasses a number of years ago, I decided to try the progressive lenses since they were popular and many folks liked them.  Unfortunately, the progressive lenses have never worked well for me because varying focal point gradations inherent in them perpetually make me queasy (motion sickness symptom) even after trying to diligently wear them for quite some time.  I actually tried two different forms of  progressive lenses, and I could not get comfortable with either style.  I much prefer to use the more "old-school" lined bifocals with two distinctly different lenses, or two separate pairs of single vision glasses...  one for distance and one for reading.  

I am going to be lecturing on the developmental process by which an embryo begins to form its limbs in utero today.  As part of the lecture, I will also be discussing how perturbations in the uterine environment can shape limb development.  I will use the tragic, yet classic example of this alteration of the uterine environment through thalidomide exposure.  This compound was a medication that was administered to a variety of pregnant women during the late 1950s and early 1960s in the ill-conceived notion that it would help in maintenance of pregnancy.  Unfortunately, if administered at certain critical periods of early embryological development, it could induce catastrophic aberrations in growth of the limbs.  

I am carrying around with me in my jacket pocket today, my beautiful, full-bent Peterson pipe.  It has a deep, walnut colored bowl, and a traditional, "fish-tail" stem.  I feel akin to a toddler with a pacifier as I do this.  But, it does give me a sense of comfort.  I can recall many, many beautiful bowlfuls of pipe tobacco that I enjoyed through this lovely beast over the decades.  

PipeTobacco

Patterns and Actions

 

 I just arrived at the U after having an early morning appointment with the dentist to examine my chompers.  My teeth and gums were considered very strong and healthy and the hygenist complemented me on how well I brush and floss, suggesting there was very little that she had to do.  However, I did have a filling that had worn through just a bit, and the dentist proceeded to numb and fix the worn filling as well.  Both he and the hygenist also complemented me on how well I maintain my teeth and gums, especially with the notoriously strong Temporomandibular Joint Disorder  (TMJ) I express.  They both said that for how significant my TMJ is, I do not show any of the common maladies of the condition.  I told them I attributed that to my very faithful and consistent wearing of my bite splint.  I mentioned how over the course of the many decades I had this condition that I have chewed through several of these bite splints.  

An interesting (to me anyhow) story related to my dental visit:

Some of you may recall that perhaps about 15 or so years ago, when I had to switch dentists because my prior dentist retired, I began a "ritual" of NOT SMOKING MY PIPE at the point I went to bed the evening before an appointment UNTIL after completing the dental appointment the next day.  I started doing this because the newbie dentist would always start talking to me about the dangers of pipe smoking, etc and it would also try to convince me that I also needed teeth whitening, etc.  He was annoying on a number of levels and when my wife and any of my kids developed a cavity or two or three or more, he would want to schedule an individual appointment for EACH cavity. I have not had a new cavity develop since I was ~15 year old. 

But, that was a bit off track..... again, I had this "ritual" of NOT SMOKING MY PIPE at the point I went to bed the evening before an appointment UNTIL after completing the dental appointment the next day to avoid his yammering negatively at me about it.  But over the years, it became almost "fun" to look forward to having that first pipe AFTER I would get back in my truck and head towards the U.  It always felt "EXTRA" enjoyable after getting through the dental appointment.  

My current dentist is a different fellow than the annoying one mentioned above (the one mentioned above retired too).  This fellow is a lot nicer.  Now, though, it was interesting to me and a bit poignant that as I walked out of the dentist this morning, I absent-mindedly was reaching into the pocket of my sport coat and was rummaging around for my pipe and my pouch (which of course were not there).  But, my MINDSET was still actively engaged in the IDEA of that "ritual" of having a pipe immediately upon completion of the dental visit.  It made me feel a little melancholy as I remembered how enjoyable that "after-dental bowlful" of pipe tobacco would be.  

Tummy

 

Yesterday, because it was both Palm Sunday and also a relative's birthday, I ended up eating a few high fat "party food" type items (a piece of pizza, a slice of cake, a cinnamon roll, a scoop of ice cream).  I did not over-indulge by any stretch of the imagination.  However, by early afternoon, seemingly the food had given me quite a strong stomach ache.  I felt quite nauseous until early evening.  By early evening, the feeling had dissipated a fair amount, so I ate a big salad and some mixed vegetables for a late dinner.  That actually also seemed to help my stomach as well. It was quite an unpleasant feeling during most of the afternoon.  

I am trying to stay positive in my outlook, which is not always easy to do.... but I can say that when I am successful in focusing on the "positive" when things are difficult... the end result is a whole helluva lot better than when I dwell on hardships.  This is of course, an obvious relationship, but it is damn hard to follow at times.  

I only ran 8.2 miles (13.2 km) this morning.  I was initially planning to run outside because it is getting closer and closer to being at least hazy in terms of light levels where I could venture out.  I still would be running for some of the time in the dark, but I think I could navigate safer footpaths in the dark and by the time I would reach the areas that NEED light, there would at least be a tiny sliver of light on the horizon to help guide my way.  I tend to think my rods and their opsin proteins are pretty sensitive for me, so even just the littlest glimmer of light is sufficient for me to see better.  But, the reason I did not run outside was that an unexpected (at least by me, as I did not see it on the Weather Channel App when I looked last night) and very intensive thunderstorm rolled in just as I was getting up this morning.  It was quite a downpour and the lightning and wind was rather violent.  So, I ended up going to the U and I got there later than I usually do to complete my normal miles..... hence the lower mileage today.  

Do you know what I have concluded about pipes and pipe tobaccos?  I can comfortably say I like/love every aspect of pipes and pipe tobaccos... except their potential risk of causing harm to health.  I was looking through my small box of lighters on Saturday.  During all my years of pipe smoking, I have used many different tools for ignition:

• Lots of matches have been used over the years.

• Zippo lighters (I have perhaps 5 Zippos.  Three are "regular" and two have a "pipe chamber" style wick arrangement.  My favorite is the one that was my Dad's and it is from the early 1950s and has etched into the case a scene of a man wearing a hat, smoking his pipe and fly-fishing.  The paint in the etching has fallen out over the years, but even with only the etching itself, it is beautiful.)  

• The ubiquitous (and boring and disposable) Bic lighter has been used occasionally over the years as well.

• But, the most entertaining of the lighters I have are the two lighters that are made by the (regrettable name) Nimrod Lighter Company.  I have one of these lighters that was my Dad's and I have one that I bought myself long, long ago.  What is especially interesting about these lighters (to me anyhow) is that they LOOK sort of like a bolt and nut that you might buy at a hardware store.  But when you slide it apart, it is basically an odd shaped "Zippo" type lighter that uses conventional lighter fluid.  I have put a picture of one of these lighters at the start of this entry.  While looking for this picture, I now have read that apparently Nimrod lighters are now considered "rare".  For me, they have always been simply an aesthetically pleasing and reliable tool.  

On Saturday, I decided to fill one of my Nimrod lighters with lighter fluid and a fresh flint, and have been carrying it around in my pants pocket ever since.  It has been a while since I have had a lighter in my pocket.  Perhaps next week I will do the same with one of my Zippos.

Hedonist

 

The technical definition of the word "hedonist" is a person who believes that the pursuit of pleasure is the most important thing in life; a pleasure-seeker.

To me, the idea of being a "hedonist" seems very chaotic and rather challenging.  Do not get me wrong, though.... I greatly enjoy pleasurable things.  I believe the enjoyment of pleasurable things is an innate facet of our physiology.  I believe this enjoyment is hard-wired into the neural network of any animal... well, at least any animal with a neural network.

But, to have your life's actions, your life's "work" be pursuing that which is pleasurable seems so chaotic, because there are so many different ways to experience pleasure that it would take considerable energy to be continually seeking pleasure.  

In how I have seemed to live my life, I think I have experienced many pleasures, but they have not so much have been sought out..... but have occurred in an ancillary fashion, perhaps a "happenstance" fashion.   I am not sure if the previous sentence makes sense, but what I think is that my life has been about trying to DO good things, and that through this effort to TRY to do good in life, I stumble upon and experience many beautiful pleasures.  

Perhaps, however, the one thing I have done that could potentially be considered "hedonistic" in some fashion is my pipe smoking.  Before this current fast from pipe smoking, I would participate in smoking my pipes just out of the sheer pleasure it would provide me.  I would smoke with other pipe smokers, I would smoke my pipes alone, and I would smoke my pipes (politely) anywhere it would add joy to my day.  I smoked my pipes not because it was good or bad to DO SO.  I smoked my pipes because anytime I did, the world seemed "better":

• If I was happy, I would feel happier.  
• If I was sad, I would feel less sad.  
• If I was angry, I would feel less angry.  
• If I was relaxing, I would feel more relaxed.  
• If I would be trying to focus, my focus would be stronger.  
• If I was feeling love, my love would feel deeper.  
• If I was feeling anxiety, my anxiety would decrease. 
• If I was feeling restless, I would feel calmer.  
• If I was feeling motivated, my motivation would persist longer. 
• If I was feeling ebullient,  my good cheer and energy would increase.
  

I am not sure if this was a valuable exploration, but it has given me food for thought.  Maybe these thoughts mean nothing.  Maybe it suggests why I should refrain from my pipes.  Or, maybe it suggests why I should return to them?  

The image above is one of a statue of Epicurus, a philosopher who is considered a "hedonist" but not in the modern-day, excessive sense.  Epicurus thought pleasure and pain were at the center of human morality. His view was that pleasure and pain are so important to human existence that all our actions are governed by seeking pleasure and trying to avoid pain. Epicurus also saw the absence of pain as a pleasure in itself. Epicurus emphasized the idea of being ‘untroubled’ over the positive experiences of pleasure. He thought the good life could be achieved through satisfaction that both body and mind are at peace. Is that perhaps what my pipe smoking provided me, a trajectory TOWARDS an untroubled state, or a state of peace? 

PipeTobacco

Thoughts & Responses to Anvilcloud

 

My friend, Anvilcloud, posed a few questions in my comments yesterday that I thought would be valuable for me to try to answer and flesh out today:

Question:  "I have heard about Catholic guilt. Do you suffer from it?"

The term "Catholic Guilt" is one that is used by a lot of folks, both by Catholics and others, and it is used in both serious and humorous contexts.  I think it can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different folks.  So, I decided to try to find some more "formal" descriptors of it:

Catholic guilt is the reported "excess guilt" felt by Catholics Guilt is a by-product of an informed conscience.  Guilt, even "Catholic guilt" is not considered a positive thing in itself in any Catholic teaching; rather, contrition is considered constructive.

Guilt is remorse for having committed some offense or wrong, real or imagined. It is related to, although distinguishable from, "shame", in that the former involves an awareness of causing injury to another, while the latter arises from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous, done by oneself. One might feel guilty for having hurt someone, and also ashamed of oneself for having done so. Philip Yancey compares guilt to the sensation of physical pain as an indication that something should not be ignored but attended to. Rabbi David Wolpe says, "Facing up to the hurt we cause others with cruel speech or callous acts, and to our myriad failures to meet the marks God sets for living a true and good life, "makes forgiveness meaningful, not merely a catchphrase".

The Penitential Act at the beginning of the Mass is a liturgical rudiment of sacramental confession. This private confession became the normal way in which this sacrament was and is still practiced, with a strict seal of secrecy on the part of the priest. Sometimes the practice of the sacrament emphasizes doing acts of penance, sometimes it emphasizes making one's sorrow or contrition authentic. In a Catholic or religious context, contrition is "sorrow of soul, and a hatred of sin committed, with a firm purpose of not sinning in the future". 

So, in thinking about myself.... do I feel guilt when I do something that is wrong or hurtful to others?  Yes.  But, I think that is a normal aspect of all people who live in a society.  Is the guilt I feel EXCESS GUILT or what is aka "Catholic Guilt"?  I do not think so.... but in reality I may not be able to know compared to all of society.  I have been Catholic my whole life, and cannot really say what others may be experiencing compared to my own experience.  

I can say that I do feel it is IMPORTANT for a person to recognize and experience guilt for their wrongdoings, and I feel the experience of guilt is critical for being able to understand and enact contrition. From my Catholic perspective, the feeling of guilt is a recognition and awareness of what one does that hurts others, and pursuit of contrition is a) the work one does to try to apologize for the hurt done, b) the work one does to attempt to fix or repair the hurt done, and c) the continued work to try to not repeat that hurt.  

In my mind, while I often couch my ideas of my wrong doings and my attempts to repair my wrongs and become a better person in terms of my Catholic faith.... in reality, I believe that if I were to try to live my life without my faith..... that PHILOSOPHICALLY.... I would still believe the same exact thing with perhaps a more "secular" vernacular:

I unfortunately do wrong things that hurt others.

I should and do feel guilt and shame about the hurt I cause others.  I need to "own" what I do, even if it is something I feel ashamed about. 

I should and need to work hard to apologize for those hurts.  I should and need to work to repair as best as I can those hurts.  And, I need to work hard to not do those hurtful things again.

So, for me, I do not think I have "Catholic Guilt" in the context most folks use the phrase.  I feel I have a mindset, however, where I find it important for me to evaluate my actions in life in the context of being helpful and kind towards others...... or at the VERY LEAST my actions should be "neutral" in effect towards others.  When I find that my actions in life have hurt or harmed others, I do feel a strong need to assess my actions and work to repair what I have damaged, and also work to not repeat the harmful actions. 

Question: Do you really enjoy listening to masses, or do you do it because?

There are several aspects in how I can answer your question:

1.  I greatly enjoy the music at MOST Catholic Masses.  It can range from rather traditional forms of Catholic music (think Gregorian Chants, Latin Hymns, etc) or it can be more modern styles (Haugen, Talbot, and others).  As an example of one song I am ESPECIALLY enchanted with at the moment, and am working to learn the piano/guitar/ and solo line for clarinet (in the video, the solo line is by a flute) is:

"In Every Age" by Janet Sullivan Whittaker

I also very much enjoy music performance by strong, but non-professional musicians.

2.  I participate in other aspects of Mass itself in three contexts, a) a mode of prayer, and b) a form of education, and c) a way to participate in communion.  In regards to each:

a) Mass itself is all about prayer.  Music is a form of prayer, spoken prayer is another facet, and there is also the "prayer" aspect of participating in a community in Mass.  And, even if there are some times when I am not necessarily in the right frame of mind for spiritual prayer, the time and effort in the attempt also helps me feel more emotionally centered and can usually at least become a time where I examine my philosophies on life more carefully.

b) As long as I try my hardest to really LISTEN to what is being said.... be it in the lyrics of the songs, or in the readings, or in the prayers that are spoken, or in the homilies........ there is ALWAYS something of value that I can LEARN (or sometimes RELEARN and bring back into focus in my mind) to help me as I work to try to be a better, kinder, giving person.   This education is, to me, an extremely valuable component of Mass, for in so very much of day-to-day life, I (we?) do not get a whole helluva lot of time for doing much OTHER than to "get the job done" from day to day.  The time I spend in my education in Mass gives me the ability to focus more on the "WHYs" about what I DO day after day.  It helps me also to focus on the "HOWs" of my hoped for purpose in life of being a servant to others, of being a help to this world.  In a more general way, the education I receive from Mass helps me to build a framework in terms of how I may proceed with the work that is what my life is for.  

c) Being at Mass is being with family.  It is, to me a global family.  I used to think about this a great deal when I was in graduate school and I had the likely prospect that my job/work could very easily force me to have to be far, far distant from my nuclear/immediate family (this is of course before I was married).  I used to worry considerably about this potential to be flung far away from my nuclear/immediate family... until I began to better understand within myself that in some fashion, I have a GLOBAL family anywhere I go and can attend Mass.  Now, do not get me wrong.... I ALSO wanted to be close to my nuclear/immediate family.... and I did a helluva lot of work to eventually be able to be hired by a U that was relatively near where I grew up so I could maintain as close of ties with my nuclear/immediate family as possible.  I left behind some opportunities that may have been considered "better" or "more prestigious" in may ways, specifically so that I could have the ability to maintain as close of ties as I could with nuclear/immediate family as well.  

So.... to broadly answer your question..... I do listen to Masses because I enjoy them for the above reasons (ESPECIALLY the wonderful teachings and philosophies of the Capuchins).  

But, in the full spectrum of your question.... there have been (of course) times in my life, where Mass may not have seemed as "important" as it is for me.  And, so in those periods of my life where I may have experienced those feelings of Mass being "less important", I still WOULD go to Mass at least every Sunday..... "just because".  But those "less important" notions were not something I had particularly often.  

I think that is about all I can write for today. Apologies for any glaring typos or poorly written aspects.  I have not edited this at all.

PipeTobacco

Trying to Do the Right Things

Even though my emotions are still roiling all over the place from moment to moment, and even with the range of stresses I am still being buffeted by, I am trying to force myself out of the things I am experiencing and feeling.... and force myself to do what I SHOULD be doing, what I SHOULD strive to do to work to be a kinder, gentler, more thoughtful person and a servant to others.  If I can work to capture those emotions of feeling like I am doing a good job, then that can ameliorate some aspects of the other hardships.  I do not feel up to writing about the harsh emotions I felt during the last few weeks today.  I am, for the moment, just trying to live in the "now" of feeling rather "average."

I have also FINALLY, forced myself to write and submit an abstract for a research presentation at one of the national meetings I often attend.  It is being held in Atlanta in July of this year.  It will be the first travel meeting I attend since the start of Covid (It is also the first of the research societies I attend that is HAVING a face-to-face meeting instead of virtual.... although many others are planning their meetings to be in person this year as well.).  I do have a fair amount of trepidation about what a) Covid may be like this Summer, and b) what air travel will be like.

I was at the indoor track this morning the moment I could get inside.  I was fortunate to have NO ONE ELSE on the track the whole time I ran my 10 miles, so I did not have to wear a mask.  On this track, 10 miles = 90 laps, and the running of circles can be rather tiresome.  But, for the first half, I listened to the Capuchin Daily Mass from yesterday, and for the second half I listened to my Catholic Music Radio on Pandora while I prayed the rosary.  I am thinking that by April 20th or so, it *should* be light enough outside..... early enough in the morning.... that I can begin running outside while still having enough time to get ready for heading to the U for work.  

I have been feeling a fair amount of rather disjointed thoughts about my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  Occasionally I am finding it to be "just a day" where I end up not thinking too often about my pipes and pipe tobaccos (only a few times during the day.... other than while falling asleep).  Other days, they are a continual thought in my mind during most of the day.  Although my memory of dreams I have at night STILL have not returned (to my chagrin), every night after I turn off the light from reading a bit, I allow my mind to conjure up a memory of smoking a particular pipe or pipe tobacco.  These thoughts and recollections help me to feel a sense of tranquility and I fall asleep with ease.  

PipeTobacco

Still Not a Lot

Due to the demands upon me (that I am trying to reduce), I am still finding it difficult to fit in the many things I would like to do in a day.  Thus, my post today will be shorter than I would wish.  

Bullet lists help:

• I have been feeling very, very sad and overwhelmed.  As I have been stating for several weeks,  I feel too damn busy for my own good.  Too many demands on me.  

 

• I was also feeling an acute resurgence in both anger and sadness about my work relationships.  As you know I have been working this Lent to be forgiving of the two that hurt me so.  As you may recall, one person of this duo is just a person who I dislike and need to learn to forgive. I am having a bit of success with this individual.    But, the other person of these two is a FORMER very close friend.  I still feel hurt, confused, and angry about my relationship with this individual.  And, I actually do not KNOW or UNDERSTAND what happened either. I have *tried* at least 3-4 times a year for at least four years to talk with this person to discuss what happened and to try to repair the friendship.  I last tried this in late Fall of 2019.  After my asking this person if we could talk "about our relationship" this person nearly bit my head off, so I stopped trying to talk with the individual after that point.

 

• Running has not been helpful.  With my damn treadmill broken, running and getting my milage in has been a huge struggle.  It is difficult for me currently to get running in (without mask wearing) because of how dark it is still in the mornings.  It will not be until AT EARLIEST near the beginning of May where there is enough light EARLY ENOUGH in the day, that I can run outside BEFORE heading to work.   

 

• My wife has been having significant challenges with her Type 2.  This has added to my feelings of being on edge.

 

•  My wife came down with some sort of bronchial infection (not Covid, she tested for it).  She has had this now for three weeks, and it has been nerve wracking.  She has not felt good, has been feeling lethargic, has a very strong persistent cough.  Her feeling sick makes her feel "distant" from me, so that adds to my loneliness.  Her feeling sick also makes her feel a bit grumpy at me, which is hard.  My fear of catching what she has also added to my stress.  AND, unfortunately I *DID* catch the damn bug she had (has).  

 

• As is common for us when we get sick, the illness seems to last and linger in my wife, but for me it length of stay in my body tends to be shorter.  In my case with this illness, I have had all the exact same symptoms and issues my wife has been (and continues to) experiencing but my illness time frame began last Thursday, and I felt back to normal on Sunday (other than my voice being a bit weaker from having coughed most of the day Saturday).  

 

• Plus there have been dozens of "immediate need" requests from the kids, which then has occupied many of our evenings during the last couple of weeks as well.  

 

•  And there are a sh*tl**d of deadlines I need to meet for submitting abstracts and for grading student assignments that I am missing right and left.   

There are more things, but I am running out of time.  That is all I can list for today.  

PipeTobacco

Crawling Back

It has been a very two weeks in my household and in my own mind.  I am feeling emotionally better, however, and will be trying to describe the various events that have transpired.  

However, NOTHING that has happened in the last two weeks has been catastrophic.  The last two weeks, however, have been filled with a lot of hard stresses..... similar ones to my usual.... but some additional ones as well...... but..... having ALL of these HARD stresses ALL occur simultaneously was almost too much to bare.  A variety of things "had to give" in my life during the last two weeks.  I will attempt to flesh out the details on Tuesday or Wednesday.  

The feeling was akin to being placed in a trash compactor (Do they even sell those things anymore for home use?  They used to be so "trendy" and popular for "luxurious" home kitchens in the 1970s.) and having me be the trash and being squeezed into a disproportionately small size.  

I have found my way THROUGH the hardships, I believe, and may have even learned a thing or two about myself and how I need to grow and develop.  I also see some things I need to change in myself.

PipeTobacco