What Will Happen?

Today is the 45th day of my pipe fast.  Technically, my Lenten vow will be complete at NOON on Saturday (my 46th day of fasting).  So, technically, I can begin smoking my pipe at NOON tomorrow. 

I believe this will start the time where I will really know what will happen in regards to my smoking a pipe.  Will I remain away, or will I bring the pipe back into my routine?  In reality, I do not know what will actually happen. 

One part of me does believe that I should simply quit, and never return to smoking a pipe.  This part of me would like this outcome because it is better for my long-term health.  It is also perhaps a way for me to show myself that I have fortitude to NOT do something that I admit I like to do.   The "negatives" are that I may likely continue to WANT to smoke my pipe and will have to continue to put forth effort to not do so in this effort.

One part of me would simply enjoy going back to the way it was.... where I was smoking my pipe, and doing so as a "matter of course" as a part of my day-to-day life.  It is a behavior/habit/hobby I am long accustomed to, so choosing this route would be easy enough to do.  The "negatives" in this path would be the potential harm to health that may arise, and the antagonism from society at large.

A final part of me would like to become an "occasional" pipe smoker.  This is a harder concept to define, and is probably full of challenges not ascribable to either of the other two potential paths.  But, if I WOULD do it, I would think that smoking one or two bowls of pipe tobacco a week would be relatively low risk health wise, would receive minimal antagonism from society, would in some partial way keep me in the pipe smoking "club" so-to-speak, and would in some small fashion speak to a degree about "fortitude" a trait I admire and wish to foster.   But, in a realistic view.... I do not know if I could successfully adopt this path and keep my pipe consumption realistically to this level.

+ + + + +

So, the above three ideas are what I am contemplating.  I am thinking about them, but I am not sure how my feelings will end up being shaped by the conclusion of Lent.  Will my resolve stay the same as it has been during Lent (suggesting the first idea could be continued)?  Will my resolve evaporate immediately after the end of Lent (suggesting the second idea)?

I *think* I should be able to continue to refrain for at least some time following the conclusion of Lent, but I think the pressures of my desire for a pipe are likely to intensify when Lent is finished, and I am not sure if my resolve will be as strong without the obligation of Lent for me.

 + + + + +

I realize a lot of my writing is just so many words and folks likely grow tired of my pitiful efforts.   I do know in the greater scheme of things I am only a minor character in a minor journey and nothing of which I write or think about or do has much if any real impact.  But, it is where my mind is at currently, and it is what I *do* think about.

We shall see what happens.

PipeTobacco

The Dream

Last night was another one of those nights where I slept and had very vivid dreams.  I do not often have dreams that I readily recall, but occasionally I do.  Perhaps not surprisingly, my dream involved pipes.  Since I have been refraining (today is day 43), I have thought I would have many such dreams, but this is only the third dream that I actually recall having:

In my dream, I was the same person who I am currently.... age, appearance, general demeanor, etc.  But, while I was a "professor", I was not working in that capacity, but instead was working at a tobacco shop. 

What was perhaps rather unique about this dream was not so much the venue itself, but my "job" per say in this shop.  I was not involved in any appreciable sense with sales or stocking or any of the typical tasks part and parcel of a salesman type job.  Instead, I was there for what apparently amounted to being a greeter or a friend of the shop.  I literally spent my work day milling around the store, smoking my pipe, sampling a huge array of different pipe tobacco blends, and chatting with folks about virtually anything that came to mind.  And, while in real-world life, I tend to be a somewhat quiet sort of fellow, in my job in this dream, I was very talkative and told jokes and stories and basically was "hanging out" even though I was working. 

The whole experience of the dream was, as you can imagine, very relaxing and enjoyable.  And, of course, I found the ample pipe smoking I did in the dream to be wonderful as well.  The majority of the dream too place in the shop itself, but then the ending too, turned out a bit odd (for me).  As the end of my work day, I walked out of the shop, saying good evening to all the friends and customers, and walked over to a bike rack, and unlocked and rode "home" on a simple, pedestrian looking bicycle.  I was in the midst of some city that I remember was in New Mexico (I recall seeing the New Mexico license plates on the vehicles).  I rode through the city for a few blocks, and came to a small home in the city where I parked my bike and was going inside when.... my alarm went off and I awoke. 

So, for me the dream was very interesting on several levels.  I have never been in New Mexico ( and have never traveled all that much in the southern US).  The job and the mode of trasport I had were quite different from my own.   Smoking my pipes in the dream seems the most understandable part of the dream for me.  But, even that was "different".  I am not sure how to describe the "difference" of that part.  But, it was carefree and perhaps even inconsequential (not sure if that is the best word I could use, but for now it seems the best I can come up with).  What I mean, is that smoking my pipe was thoroughly wonderful and enjoyable, and I did so with relish in my dream.  But it was also without judgement or without qualifiers... it was just something I was "doing". And that was very nice.  It felt in a way like it did all those decades ago when I was young, but I was myself in the present day. 

Perhaps it is nothing much to ponder, this dream I had.  But the events that unfolded and the feelings of tranquility it produced in me have been on my mind much of the day.  The dream felt wholly tangible.... until the damn alarm clock broke the spell.

PipeTobacco

Day 41

It has been 41 days now since I have last smoked my pipe.  Yesterday (Sunday) I technically could still follow my Lenten vow and still smoke my pipe.  I considered it.  And, I actually even filled a bowl with some vanilla tinctured burley leaf.  But, in the end, I did not smoke yesterday as it did not feel like I should, even though technically it would not count against my Lenten vow.   There is only one week now until Easter.  Without my vow, will I continue to abstain from my pipe?  I wish I knew, but I do not.

My wife and I and a bunch of the family decided to go see the film, "Paul, The Last Apostle" yesterday.  It was a wonderfully done film, and it gave me a lot of food-for-thought about life.  It was not "schmaltzy" in any way..... like some religious films can be.... for which I was very relieved.  Instead this film was a much more deeply philosophical film about how to live life.  For me, it helped me to realize again some of what I know, deep in my heart, but that I lose sight of so very often....

I believe it is best for me to try to the very best of my ability to live a life of service.  By service, I mean I must try to live in such a way that I will help others.  I must do this with as much energy as I can muster.

I also believe it is important for me to focus very deeply on my own failures.  I need to be aware of how I can be selfish and short-sighted.  I need to keep aware of how easy it is for me to be unkind and angry.  I need to keep aware of how easy it is for me to focus only on my needs and not those of others around me.  I need to keep this focus, for without understanding how often I DO fail, I cannot begin to try to be the better person I do wish I was and the better person I want to become.  

I need to work harder.  I need to work much harder... to do exactly this... to live a life of service and to be the kinder person I should be.

PipeTobacco 

Day 36

Today is the 36th day since I last smoked a pipe.  The last few days have been difficult emotionally and I have really wanted to give up my Lenten vow.   I have not done so, but it makes me very nervous about the end of Lent.  It is only a week and a half away.  Will I be able to drum up the fortitude to contine being away from my pipes or will I give in and quickly be back where I was originally?  I sincerely do not know what I will do.

Running was fine today, but it was inside due to the icy conditions.  Next week should allow me to run outside which will be nice.

I try to be a good, kind, gentle and helpful person, but I feel as if no one at work sees or gives a damn.  It really hurts.

PipeTobacco

34 and Grumpy as Hell

Today is Day 34 of my journey. 

For some reason, today has been rough.  I *did* do my run, all five miles.  I have thus far refrained from the briar, which seems pointless to me at the moment, but I still persevere.  I have gone to work, did my work, etc. Blah, blah, blah.

I feel ornery and out of sorts.  I cannot seem to shake it.  I did not have the most restful of sleep last night, so perhaps that is part of the damn problem.  But, I can usually shake that sort of thing off by trying hard. 

Truth be told, if I had my druthers at the moment... and if I did not have the degree of impulse control I have... I would quit my job, drive down to Florida, Arizona, Tijuana, or some such local, start smoking my pipe again, and my wife and I could start anew with a condo or apartment and just start doing as we damn well please.  Oh, and I would need to win the lottery first too.

Copious whisky, wine, food galore, song, pipes, plenty of amorous activities with my wife.  A Life of Riley, going to movies, to theater, etc.  Going fishing anytime I damn well wanted to as well.

But, this fantasy is just a pipe dream.... and a pipe is something I cannot have.

Damn.

PipeTobacco 

Another of My Favorite Shapes

Several days ago I linked to a photograph of the most abundant and prized pipe shape in my large collection.  It was the half bent billiard shape.  Today, I show an image of my next favorite shape of pipe I like to smoke.  This is sometimes called a "Dublin" or a "Woodstock" pipe.

These two pipe shapes are by far the favorites that I have and of each type I have many examples of each, all cherished in various ways. 

The image is, to me very artistic and pleasant to look at.  Even though today is Day 31 of NOT smoking a pipe, given my druthers, I would like to be smoking one of my pipes right now. 

PipeTobacco

Food for Thought

Pat McDowell wrote in my comments section asking several very valuable ideas I have been contemplating.  Below, I attempt to answer:

Statement 1:  Did your father or father-in-law ever come to the point at which they regretted their pipe-smoking? If so, then perhaps you could frame your choice to quit as your way of letting them live vicariously through you. They didn't quit, but they will be with you in spirit as your well-wishers as you abstain.

Neither my father nor my father-in-law regretted their pipe smoking in any sense that I was aware.  Both individuals passed away from issues not related to their pipe smoking.  In a spiritual sense, I believe both would be well-wishers for me to do what I feel is my path.  Both my father and father-in-law have been and continue to be individuals whom I look up to as wise, gentle men from whom I have learned a great deal in terms of how to "be" in life.

The "be" part is perhaps interesting to consider from my perspective.  I cannot say really what is "normal" in terms of feelings and emotions, but for me it seems that much of my life has been guided by the ideas of a) trying to find my "place" in life, b) trying to be a person who does what is right or good (aka the Don Quixote mindset), and c) trying to be capable and focused on doing something noteworthy or valuable or significant in life.

The reality of what I feel inside is that I rarely feel "comfortable" if that is the right word.  I always have in the back of my mind this gnawing sense that I am not working, or living, or loving, or doing enough in life and that I am on a constant trajectory toward "failure" if I do not watch myself carefully and consistently.  Since I really cannot fully know what is going on in anyone else's mind other than my own, I do not know if those feelings are just par for the course and everyone feels that way.  But, from the surface, I have always felt that my father and my father-in-law  were quite "comfortable" in their own skin. And their pipes and pipe smoking were always a part of them from the entirety of time I knew them.  In some ways, when I would visit them, it was always associated with a sense of quiet and camaraderie. 

In a significant way, I view my relationships with both of them as great friendships that felt easy, comfortable, and good.  I have a few collegue type friends of this sort as well, but they (as is frequent in academia) are flung to far distant areas of the nation and our friendships were developed in graduate school.  On the occasions where we go to the same research meeting, it is a great experience in much the same way only without the family connection as well.

* * * 

Statement 2:  On the other hand, if your father and father-in-law remained content to the end as pipe-smokers, I suspect you would need to make an impossible emotional break with them in order to persist without your pipes. You sometimes judge yourself rather harshly for smoking your pipes, but are you prepared to judge your father and father-in-law with equal harshness? If you can judge them so harshly, you have some hope of quitting; if not, you truly are a pipe-smoker and should just relax into the habit/hobby. 

I think it is interesting to think about the statement you made about an "emotional break".  In some ways, I feel that this "break" of sorts is something that has been foisted upon me simply by their respective deaths.  I have the loss of their companionship.  Perhaps I am working through realizing this break HAS occurred and their is not a damn thing I can do about it, except perhaps try to keep the tenuous spiritual links present in my thoughts.

You are correct that a part of my continuing to smoke my pipe for all these many decades is due to memories of my father (who passed away over 25 years ago).  But, the pipe also has symbolized more for me as well.  It has been something that I have always enjoyed.  It has, over the many decades been somewhat of  a definition of who I am, at least externally,  to many folks.

* * *  






Statement 3:  Perhaps, once you give up the idea of quitting, you can then give yourself permission to moderate and adjust this treasured hobby that connects you with your loved ones. With your father and father-in-law gone, surely some of your old "rituals" are also gone. Maybe you can establish new rituals that will connect you with the departed, satisfy your physical cravings, and also fit in with the practicalities of your current life.

Giving up the idea of quitting is a very pleasant idea.  Yet, at the same time, I do also know that in this day-and-age, and probably to an extent because of my own personality... I doubt I would ever be able to simply accept in a comfortable way just living life as a pipe smoker.  I would very likely retain the doubts about my decision (even as I enjoy that decision), would still have fears and worries about smoking a pipe (even as I enjoy smoking a pipe), and would likely berate myself for the choice (even as I would enjoy the choice).

But, in the same way, I believe just as realistically that if I did jump into quitting "for life" that I would have doubts about the decision (as I regret not smoking a pipe), would worry that I was missing what I consider a simple pleasure (as I refrain), and would regularly regret the loss of a part of "me" (as I work to become the different, non-pipe smoking me). 

* * *

So.... damn... I have been awfully wordy here.... without accomplishing much.  But, the above does represent how my mind has been thinking through a lot of this.  Pat, I do thank you for your help and advice.  It does help me to more carefully examine my thoughts.

PipeTobacco

27 Days....

I am not sure why exactly, but the #27 has always been a number that I have viewed positively.  So, I am hoping that is how today will go for me.... positively and joyfully.   Today represents the 27th day I have gone without smoking a pipe. 

I did resist the urge to smoke my pipe on Sunday, even though technically it would be allowed within the Lenten rules.  I truly thought about it several times and had one really "close call" where I was seriously contemplating filling up the bowl of the cleaned pipe I have been carrying around as a sort of "pacifier" during this effort. 

I truly am unsure how to create the same damn, dogged, stubborn determination to refrain that I have now (because of the Lenten vow) to after Easter morning.  And, that lack of seeing a path in how to have myself have the same sort of gumption.... it makes me believe I will go back to the pipe.... because part of me would like that very much.... but another part of me would like to quit forever. 

I ran very comfortably this morning.  I almost decided to go outside and run, but with the temperature being a bit "iffy" in regards to whether there would be ice or rain on the sidewalks, and the light snowfall we had over the last few days, I was thinking it would be too risky to run in the dark... being a klutz, the risk was high that I would slip and break a leg or crack my head open.  So, I ran my 5 miles inside again. 

PipeTobacco

Day 26

Today is Day 26 of my journey without pipes.  It seems to be a bigger struggle for me the last two or three days.  I have had intensely beautiful dreams of me smoking my pipe while I sleep.  I wake up in the morning with those dreams in my memory and I admit I feel sad.

Technically, this being Sunday, the Lenten vow is not required to be held to count on the vow, so I could smoke my pipe if I wanted to do so. I have not done so on any prior Lenten Sunday thus far.  But, I feel tempted to do so today.  Of course, to try to get completely away from the pipe, I should not smoke today.  I will see if I can hold off, but it is difficult.

I can also really sense how this may continue to be a big struggle, especially come Easter morning when the vow is complete.  I really need to be better prepared if I plan to continue to refrain beyond that point. With all sincerity, I do not want to continue to refrain at the moment..... even though I damn well know I should.  How do I change my mind to want to contine refraining after Lent?!?

PipeTobacco

Day 23 Musings

It has now been 23 days since I have last indulged in my pipes.  Even though it may not seem like much of an accomplishment.... it has been a very long time for me. 

I am thinking that I really need to get thinking in my mind more specifically what my game plan will be once Easter arrives in a little over three weeks.  Even though I would rather be smoking my pipes now, I do know that I have a reasonably good handle on the situation right now and can probably succeed in maintaining my "sans pipe" status through Lent. 

But, what will happen AFTER Lent?  As I stated before, there is a part of me who hopes to use this effort as starting off point to completely give up my pipes even after Lent.  But, there is also a part of me that wants to pick up a pipe on Easter Morning. 

I am at a loss at the moment on how to proceed.  I see too many different avenues.  I need to think this through some more, group ideas a bit, and narrow and figure out the actual options down to a managable few so that I can then decide how best to proceed. 

PipeTobacco

Beautiful

The above image is that of the most common style and shape of pipe I have in my collection.  I must have perhaps a dozen pipes of this same basic shape from a variety of different pipe manufacturers.  It is a style I have always found very pleasant.  It holds easily in my mouth.  The curve allows it to be gripped comfortably for long periods of time.  And, its smooth texture is pleasing to my eye. 

I miss smoking these pipes the most. 

Day 20 Thoughts

With today being day 20  in my journey without my friendly pipes, I thought I would mention several thoughts that have been percolating through my mind the last few days:

1.  I *do* miss my pipes.  I really do.  But, I also feel stronger as a person in refraining.  My wife might suggest it is only an expression of stubbornness. 

2.  In this day and age, smoking is definitely a hobby/habit that is in strong disfavor.  I understand and I "get" that message.  But I still have so many memories of when this was not the case.  It used to be considered a normal hobby/habit for a lot of folks.  It used to be looked upon in a friendly way.  It used to be part of the social framework between friends and within families.  Those thoughts, those memories, those associations are still an active part of my neural circuitry.  Yes, I know and understand the anger and disfavor in folks indulging in the hobby/habit in 2018.  But, that is only the current picture, not the whole picture. 

3.  I am not sure what may happen following Easter.  In many ways taking on this vow to refrain from my pipes as a Lenten Journey has made my task of committing to refraining easier for me.  The importance for me in doing what I vow to do, is significant.  But, after Easter, this formalized commitment is finished. 

4.  At some level I am refraining from my pipes because of the fear of the unknown.... the fear that smoking my pipes will result in my developing one of the many potential smoking related diseases.  Even though quitting does not mean I will be free from risk, it does represent the path for lowering that risk.  So, this is a part of why I am on this journey.

5.  But, I do not know if I am as stubborn or as "capable" of continuing to refrain after Easter.  I know that if I do want to continue to be sans the pipe following Easter, I need to figure out significant and meaningful ways I can instill the same desire for persisting that a Lenten vow has for me.  But I am not sure what that may be.

6.  The "increasing number" approach has worked very well for me in keeping me consistent with exercise.  Seeing the number of days grow larger every single day HAS helped me make exercise an every day thing.... and I even look forward to exercise now, whereas when I started more than 10 years ago.... the idea of ever exercising, let alone exercising everyday annoyed the hell out of me.

7.  I am hoping the increasing number of days refraining from my pipe that are building during Lent may prove a similar help.  But, in some ways, I am not sure I will have that same positive outlook by having an increasing number of days of NOT smoking my pipe.  In some fashion, the increasing numbers may be felt by me to be more akin to days of loss... not days to celebrate.  I am not sure yet, but I think that may be a risk.  But, what else could I substitute for the "increasing number" that would help me?  I am not sure.

Well, that is about all of the ideas that came to me over the last few days concerning this matter.  If I recall more, I will add them to a future post.

PipeTobacco

Tricky Success on Day 17

Yesterday was Day 17 of my Lenten journey without my pipes.  As I have stated things have been reasonably successful.  However, yesterday did test my mettle.  When the situation arose, I knew that I would have risk, but I did succeed in maintaining my Lenten vow.

Yesterday, I went to my mother-in-laws home for the first time since the funeral.  My MIL wanted my help in some tasks around the house (fixing a chair for example, and various other "handy-man" sorts of things).  I was very happy to do this.  And, with Friday being the most open day for me to go there, I did so.... in about the same time frame that I usually would go there to visit with my FIL. 

So, I was talking with my MIL and beginning some of the various tasks, when she asked me if I would like a drink.  I had not really thought of that option, as I have long associated this with visiting my FIL and my MIL does not really drink. 

I however, did graciously accept and made myself a drink that I slowly worked through as I finished up a variety of the tasks.  It was a very pleasant late afternoon.  But what was interesting (and not wholly unexpected) was the very strong desire I had for a pipe (or truth be told, several) after the libation did enter my system.  The desire was definitely very real. 

I have to say that I am pleased with my resolve (although some of it was situational and not fully in my control).  While I had a pipe with me (the one I cleaned throughly at the start of this vow, to use as a sort of pacifier), I had none of my pipe tobacco with me.  I did, however, know very well where my FIL's various pipe tobaccos were, and if I had simply asked, I do know my MIL would have been more than willing to allow me to have some of his (we had always regularly shared pipe tobaccos with each other).  But, I did not do this, because I would have then broken my Lenten vow.  I *did* however, use a lozenge, and I also went into the garage and did utilize for a brief period the wretched e-device (I dislike the e device, and when I do so, I do so privately as it feels oddly enough, embarrassing.)   The two items did help to reduce the intensity of wanting to smoke my pipe, but in no way eliminated the desire.  But, I did keep up the resolve to refrain. 

The desire remained (in its muted form) all evening even after returning home, but I was successful in keeping the vow.  I am glad that I did.  It was a bit tricky or dicey, but I have persevered. 

PipeTobacco

Friday

Not too much to write about this morning.  But, I am very glad today is Friday (day 17 of being sans pipe).  It is nice to have a rather relaxing weekend to look forward to. 

If I listen to music while I work today, it feels like it may be a good day for either James Taylor, or if I need non-vocal music to help my concentration.... perhaps smooth jazz. 

PipeTobacco

Day 16

Overall, things are pretty even keeled at the moment. I ran outside again, but I think this will unfortunately be the last day for a while as an icy storm is likely to hit overnight.  And yes, still no pipe.

From the little bit I have read (I started yesterday.) I am thinking that the mandolin typically has four strings (or four pairs of strings in some) much like a ukulele.  I am wondering how its chord structure is compared to the ukulele?  I did not have enough time to investigate yet, but if the chord patterns are similar, it might be a good choice.  I appreciate its richer tone compared to the ukulele.  The four strings of the uke are what primarily drew me to the instrument a year or so ago (fingering is easier than the guitar, which seems beyond my capability).  I am becoming reasonable in terms of my ability to play the ukulele, so if it turns out that the mandolin has similar string and chord patterns, I might look into it further and perhaps even look around for a used one.

PipeTobacco