Gritty Grit

 

The last several days have been testing my mettle.  It has been a challenge for me just to tread water.  For me, the difficulties involved:

1.  A  rough bout with my TMJ.  It is typical for me to have a flare-up in my TMJ symptoms in the transition to Spring and in the transition to Fall, but this one that has occurred this year as we have been moving into Spring-like conditions has been the most painful that I have experienced in at least 15 years.  All my old tricks to deal with the pain and discomfort (lavaging my ear canals with peroxide and warm water, putting alcohol in my ears, fastidiously cleaning with weak peroxide the gum-line around my back molars, the use of anti-histamines and aspirin, warm compresses along my neck by my jaw and ear, and techniques I have for my trying to forcibly open of my Eustachian tube).... have not worked as well as usual and it has been a slow, painful process trying to return back to normal.  I have of course been wearing my bite splint very nearly 24/7 during this time too. I am only now beginning to experience a decline in the pain and discomfort.  But, I am damn glad it is reducing at the moment. The other aspect of my difficulty at the moment, is that the discomfort of the TMJ is making me feel rather blue, and I do not feel much in the way of motivation.  Mostly I am wanting to sleep, for during sleep I am not as aware of this aching pain and discomfort. 

2.  My desire to sleep has also made my runs continue to be difficult for me to accomplish.  By sheer grit and damnable determination, I have still met my goal of hitting between 52 and 54 miles ( ~84 -87 km) a week….. but it was not easy, and I would not say much of my last running week was fun.  Running can be and usually is a great way for me to get rid of stress, and I do usually feel good (albeit tired) when it is finished for the day.  But, this last week… it has been a real chore.  And, because during this last week I would often refuse to get up at the early time (5am)  I needed to get my run in and then get ready for the U, I would often only be able to accomplish part of my run in the morning, and had the need to finish it up in the late afternoon….and the thought of needing to run again would loom over my thoughts all day long.

3.  U work at this time of the semester is typically a bit of a drudgery itself under the best of circumstances.  The most recent research meetings I attend and present at with students have passed and there are not typically any additional ones to plan for until late June.   But, in the preparation for these most recent meetings, there is always a helluva lot of mess and chaos in my lab as my students often have images they have forgotten to take, data they had to analyze at the last minute, and poster building materials strewn all about.  So, at this time of year, my lab looks like a damn pigsty, and I have absolutely no energy to make any headway into cleaning it.  And, even though I DO try to goad the research students into cleaning like they should, I also realize this part of the semester is a very busy exam time for them, so I do tend to be a bit lax.  It usually takes until mid-April before my lab is back up to snuff.  The Covid-19 situation has only further-complicated the "mess" aspect of this time of the year. 

4.  And, teaching itself…probably my MOST favorite aspect of the professorial life I lead….. is also at a point in the semester where it even, is just a grind….. deadlines for writing and reading exams, grading of lots of papers and other work, the plethora of U events that must be attended to, the huge increase in students who suddenly realize they are NOT earning the grade they want, and are worried they may actually fail.... all these things rise dramatically at this point in the semester.  So, much of my time is NOT spent finessing and preparing my lectures….but is instead spent counseling students on how to try to salvage their grades (if possible), how to get them to see the bigger picture of how they are either not studying enough, or helping them to see they are not studying the right way to acquire DEEP knowledge.

5.  With Covid... the cyborging of teaching is also taxing, and I miss the direct interaction I usually have with students.  And, even though I am far better at it than I was.... cyborging still requires much more fussing and finagling and is not anywhere near as "free-flowing" and delightful to prepare as is face-to-face teaching.  

So, in a nutshell, it is normally a rough part of the semester, but the roughness has been further exacerbated by a global pandemic and a hellaciously bad TMJ Spring Season for me. I feel like I am being ground into dust by heavy grit in a mortar and pestil.  

I have been so utterly exhausted from effort and TMJ pain, that I have not experienced ANY dreams that I can recall during the last several days.  I suspect I am still going into REM sleep, but perhaps the exhaustion and pain have quelled my memory retention of these dreams.  

However, over the last several evenings, when I would go to bed, I would try to think about and remember an event that was very enjoyable that occurred about this time of the year (actually around early March), four years ago:

A big name book publisher at the U level invited a bunch of selected professors from different parts of the US to attend (expenses all paid by the publisher) a four-day workshop about their new (at that time) electronic offerings to accompany their textbooks and other classroom materials.   I was one of those professors selected, and with the event being held in sunny and warm Southern California, I sure as hell wasn't going to miss the opportunity to get away from the snow and cold for a little bit. 

The book publisher was really pleasant about the whole experience, and for the ~100 of us who were invited, they treated us rather like royalty in many regards.  Wonderfully creative food, lots of activities interspersed between demonstrations of their electronic products.  And in the evening, a richly diverse array of beverages and snacks.  I was able to sample a plethora of different craft beers across the evenings there.  

On the first evening of the event, I remember feeling gently, yet pleasantly "sloshy" after 2 or three of the rich, malty, craft beers, and I moseyed out of the hotel to the smoker's patio.  I was surprised, the hotel had created a pretty lavish, pleasant area for smokers, with comfortable benches and lots of decorative, robust California vegetation about.  When I reached the patio, I saw a fellow professor sitting.  He appeared to be a few years older than myself, sported a very bushy, walrus mustache and apparently as he was sitting there, and had actually nodded off.  Resting on the arm of his bench was a pipe he had and his pouch and a box of matches. I was rather surprised, as there are so few of us pipe smokers these days.  I sat on the next bench over in the circle, and quietly and methodically smoked my pipe for a while.  The fellow started to snore a bit, and I guess the mechanics or the discomfort of the snoring ended up nudging him awake and he looked around, and found his pipe and pouch and matches.  We introduced ourselves to each other (not having spoken earlier as we were from different disciplines and were in different subgroups at this event).  He was a microbiologist by training.  Every evening during the entirety of the event, he and I would end up meeting at the patio and talking together in slightly sloshy, animated tones while we smoked our pipes.  I learned about his kids and he mine.  We both talked about our wives and our family, and about our lives at the U we worked at.  Nothing too extraordinary.  But, it WAS awfully damn pleasant.  Each evening there in California was beautifully relaxed, the friendship was pleasant, and the pipes were a perfect accompaniment to each evening.  It was the first time in a helluva long time (and sadly probably the last time) that I spontaneously met another pipe smoker at one of these events and we formed a friendship over our pipes.  

Addendum.... the book sellers electronica was quite impressive, but I was still rather resistant to changing from the publisher I had been using for my texts for more than two decades.  Yet, I eventually *DID* change to the textbook for this class to TRY OUT the one offered by this publisher.  It has worked well.  I still think there are some things I like better about my prior textbook, but I have to admit this book publisher's electronica has proven exceptionally useful and valuable.... ESPECIALLY when Covid hit. I am thankful that I had this publisher's materials when March 2020 happened. 

PipeTobacco  

 

Windsor Memories

 

PCS Scale Today = 6

I ran my 9.2 miles (~15km) OUTSIDE this morning and it was very helpful.  It was a pleasant 50 degrees F (10 degrees C), so I ran in shorts, but had a long sleeve shirt and sweatshirt on top as well as a stocking had and gloves.  I even deviated off the trail I normally run on and ran some on sidewalks today.... perhaps against my better judgement.  I have occasionally tripped on cracks and uneven pieces of sidewalk in the past and banged up my knee pretty good on a few occasions, so sidewalks always worry me a bit.  But, I took the plunge with a promise to myself to be extremely observant of the sidewalk ahead of me.  I really wanted to see some new scenery while running.  The same trail over and over can get repetitive at times, so I tried it.  And, I survived in one piece!  I am not sure I want to do a lot of sidewalk running because of my klutzy nature.... but it was helpful for me this morning.  I was able to pray through the entirety of the rosary plus a bit of extra prayer as well.  

I had a pleasantly vivid dream last night.... more of a reliving of a memory sort of dream.  In my dream, my wife and I were together on a small vacation we were able to take a couple of years ago where we spent a few days in Windsor, Ontario.  That vacation was in the Summer, and we had a few wonderful days together just walking around through the city, and visiting places. In the dream, three places were especially highlighted, and all revolved around food this time!  

One of the destinations we found and loved was a VEGAN Chinese restaurant.  Normally Chinese food is not a top favorite of mine because, at least here in the U.S. most Chinese food tends to be very heavy in oil, tends to be fairly greasy, and a lot of our restaurants of this sort have consistently have a hot, scorched oil smell to them that I just do not like to be around.  The idea of a VEGAN Chinese restaurant was actually quite intriguing, so we both wanted to try it.  And, it was simply wonderful!  Either the restaurant did not use nearly as much oil as the U.S. restaurants, or they had a much better ventilation system... but the lack of that greasy smell was so nice.  Many of the items we tried were of course regular vegetable based, but there were a few that had "meat mimics" too.... using seitan or a soy protein, or tofu to mimic a “meat” flavor or texture.    And, they even offered a baked version of Dim sum!  And, for desert, they gave us a really delightful coffee gelatin which I absolutely loved (my wife does not like coffee, so I ended up with two!).  

The next memory that came in my dream was of another restaurant we tried, and this one was also quite different than our usual U.S. experience.  It was a Japanese Buffet!  Yet, it was not like the typical U.S. buffet where patrons go and stand in lines to pick over tables of offerings.  At this wonderful restaurant, they gave you a menu with hundreds of "samplings" to select.  Our waitress would ask us what we would like, and she would then proceed to prepare us a plate of our selections, and then she would come back a 10-15 minutes later to see if we had additional requests.... for as long as desired.  The food was delightful, and I recall an especially delicious miso soup I had as well as a wide array of sushi.  I remember especially enjoying the Ahi tuna sushi, the yellow-fin tuna sushi, and the salmon sushi.  My wife found the shrimp sushi very pleasing (I abhor shrimp, so I did not try them).  

The final memory was of a place we visited every day during our time in Windsor, for it was nearby our hotel.  It was a really quaint, "mom-and-pop" owned Bubble Tea and Ice Cream shop.  I so rarely get Bubble Teas because they are infrequent in my neck of the woods, but I do really enjoy them and the wonderfully interesting texture of the tapioca bobbas.  Over the course of the few days, my wife alternated between having a Bubble Tea or having ice cream.  But, I had Bubble Tea each and every time we stopped.  I especially remember how wonderful my Matcha Green Tea and Ginger Bobba Bubble Teas were.  

I also remember on that trip how I had brought ONLY one type of pipe tobacco with me to Canada.  It was a very beautiful burley blend that I would sometimes get at my tobacconist that would have some sorts of "room note" hints of sandalwood and almond in it.  I no longer have any of this leaf, unfortunately, and the blend's name escapes me.  During my time in Windsor, at least three people complemented me on my pipe tobacco.  After dinner, as my wife rested a bit back in our room, I would leave the hotel proper and go sit in a small nearby park and smoke my pipe while I read a chapter or two of the novel I had with me.  When I returned back to the room, we would then go swim in the hotel pool each evening.  

Such a nice vacation memory.  I am hoping to be able to return to taking trips of that sort again soon, if we can get the Covid situation controlled sufficiently.  

PipeTobacco

Chew

 

PCS Scale Today - 6

My TMJ is acting up fiercely this morning.  Even though I wore my bite splint faithfully like always, my temporomandibular joint aches and is inflamed.  I must have been brusking and clenching and grinding like crazy last night.  It is very uncomfortable and difficult to chew this morning.  I have already taken two aspirin to hopefully reduce some of the inflammation. 

I forced myself to get back into my normal running routine this morning.  I did not want to get out of bed, but I forced my feet onto the floor at 5:00am and because it was raining (and pitch black outside) I ran on the treadmill.  9.3 miles (15km).  I am glad it is done for the day.  I am hoping that forcing myself back into routine times for running will help me.  It has been less than exciting having to run after a day at the U.  

I am going to try to be focused and accomplish a lot here at the U today.  Although I still feel like I am just treading water.... just barely keeping up with things.... perhaps if I push especially hard today and on Thursday, I can inch a bit ahead so I can feel more relaxed.  

I needed to bring a few brads, nails, and other fasteners with me to the U today, because I am going to work on some of the mazes I have to fix some loosening parts.  So, I brought my "odds-and-ends" can from my garage workbench at home, which is filled all the various loose nails, screws, etc that are collected from various projects over the years.  My can happens to be an old can I had (of many) that originally housed a one-pound batch of Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco.  I have many of these empty cans and many empty cans of Prince Albert as well that I use for various things.  The nuts-and-bolts Sir Walter Raleigh can is sitting here on my desk as I work.  It brings back very, very fond memories.  Not only was it my father's favorite, it was the first pipe tobacco I ever had, and reminded me of when I was a kid.  Both Sir Walter Raleigh and Prince Albert have been favorites of mine of the simpler, pharmacy pipe tobaccos my whole life.  

Wish me luck for today.  I hope it will be a good day.

PipeTobacco

Chaos & More

The last several days have felt very chaotic for me, but in many ways it has been *internal* chaos, nothing external has been going off the rails.  I am not really understanding why I am feeling this way inside at the moment.  

PCS Scale for today (Tuesday) - 5.  

Yet, during the last few days, it has fluctuated widely.  Both on Friday and on Monday, my PCS Scale was at a 9.  It was so very strong on both of those days that I was contemplating if perhaps I should have one of the nicotine imbued lozenges I had from way back when. 

If you remember, when I first stopped my pipes over 3 years ago, I had as part of my arsenal one disposable electronic gizmo (an e-cig) and also one package of nicotine lozenges (made up of about a roll of "Life_Saver" candy sized lozenges that had some nicotine in them).  When I laid down my pipes a little over three years ago, I thought I might utilize one or both of these assists to help me when I first laid down my pipes.  I really did not like the electronic gizmo and only tried it once or twice during the first few days, and do not even know where it is (might have thrown it away).  I think I may have consumed two of the lozenges during those first couple of days, again, with no seeming benefit to me at the time.  But, I had those remaining lozenges tucked away in a drawer.  

But, I did strongly contemplate seeing if a lozenge would be helpful during these two "9" days.  But, since I had not found them useful initially three years ago.... I thought that perhaps it would not be a wise idea.  I was actually thinking the lozenge might actually cause a further rise in the intensity I would want to smoke my pipes.... and it was already hard enough to refrain on those two days.  

During the weekend itself, things quieted down somewhat.  Saturday was probably a "7" or so, and Sunday was more-or-less a "3" in terms of the PCS scale.  

I would like to avoid these peaks and valleys in regards to my pipe cravings.  Even though I mean this mostly tongue-in-cheek, I know the PCS scale would smooth out and occur along a reliable and even continuum if I simply allowed myself to fall back into the delightful hobby ad. lib. (my use of ad. lib. is in the medical sense of.... a use pattern than indicates "freely" or as much as one desires should be used).  But, I also know that even though perhaps not right away, but relatively soon.... the "worry and fear" would also likely return.... and the diminishment of that fear has been helpful, and I do not want it to return.  I keep thinking perhaps there is some sort of "middle ground" that I could adopt.  The middle ground would:

1.  Provide me some sort of avenue to indulge in my pipes.

2.  Be at a level such that I would keep the "worry and fear" at bay.

and in the best case scenerio....

3.  Would not require of me a lot of extra work, not require a lot of damn-dogged determination to follow, would not need a tiring level of stubbornness to maintain.      

 But, dammit, I cannot really discern where I can find that mix of the three above.  My original thought on this a few weeks ago was perhaps having one pipe a week would be acceptable.  I was pretty confident that #2 in the above would be kept away, but I believe #3 above would be my Achilles heel.... I believe it would take a helluva lot of energy to maintain.    

My most recent idea (from this weekend) is that perhaps I could indulge in ONE pipe a day.  But, while that would be very pleasant to look forward to.... I do think #3 in the above would still likely be at least somewhat difficult, and I do think that over time #2 would also be a become problematic.  

So, I do not know any better today what to do.

*  *  *  *

My RUNNING has also been a struggle-and-a-half these last several days.  I would awaken and just NOT want to run.  This would mean I would dawdle.  On Friday and Monday it meant I ended up having to run AFTER I returned home from the U... which was aggravating.... and the run loomed over my head all day long on each of those days.  And, on my Saturday run, I hemmed and hawed, and did not run until almost noon... which was not helpful either for other activities in the day.  With a lot of grit and stubbornness I did meet my normal goal of 53 miles (~85km) total for the week... but it was damn hard.  

*  *   *   *  

The same b*llsh*t sorts of chaos also affected my eating as well.  I wanted to EAT everything in sight, and I had had to focus intently every step of the last several days to work to eat normal portions, to not eat every piece of candy I could find and to avoid junk food.  I did it... but the effort to do so felt as gargantuan as it did when I was first trying to reform my eating to a healthier way.  

*   *   *   *

Work at the U was also a pain in the *ss too.  But, I again pushed through.... enough said about that.

*   *   *   *

Today feels a bit more "normal".  My PCS Scale rating for today is a moderate 5, which is at least comfortably doable.  I did run.  Food choices have been typical again, and work has felt average as well.  I hope it stays this way, but I worry I am just in the eye of the hurricane at the moment.  

PipeTobacco 

Inadvertent Association

 

PCS Scale today - 3

I am feeling rather tired and sad today.  I could not run in the morning because I had another extremely early U meeting.  I feel out-of-sorts and *do not* like having the nine miles due looming over my head all day until I get home.  

I am also feeling tired and a bit gloomy about one of my courses.  This is a class that I am teaching for the first time in the Covid-19 pandemic.  So, it is involving a lot more work and thought that my many other classes which have all been taught or at least partially taught within the framework of the year-long pandemic.  The courses I have taught in the pandemic framework before are proceeding very smoothly as I have an established game-plan on how to proceed.  But, this new class.... a class that I DO love teaching.... is feeling like a 200 pound yoke upon my neck at times.  I *am* on track with everything.  But, there three two factors that make it tiring:

1.  Because this is the first time I am teaching it in "pandemic style" it requires more work than all of my other classes combined.  I would estimate I am spending upwards of 80% of my time on this one class.  

2.  Because it is an upper division (Senior Level) class, it is very detailed.  It is my senior ethology class.  And, the amount of typing, and fussing with each and every slide and each and every detail is exhausting.  In the "non-pandemic" face-to-face style.... this class is a dream.... a veritable "piece-of-cake" because I can espouse (and ramble and rattle on) about all these topics for hours upon hours if I wanted to.... in a live lecture.  But, because the format I use in "pandemic mode" has both a video lecture and a series of structured notes that accompany the lecture take SO MUCH LONGER to type out than to just talk about.  

I keep striving to "be ahead" a bit in this class.  But, I am just "treading water" by getting up materials just the day before I have told students I would have them.  It feels at times like an enormous pressure as I sit and type, and type away..... again, all in a very detailed, precise fashion.  If I could only get one or two chapters AHEAD, I would feel so much more at ease.  

* * * * * 

In regards to my St. Patrick's Day post, I thought I would write a bit about the comments received:

Pat.... I am *thinking* you may have read into some of my writings an idea that I may have stopped smoking my pipes because of the "disapproval" of that "furrow-browed woman" I spoke of yesterday.  I can understand how you may assume that association.  However, I want to assure you that she had absolutely no impact on that pipe refraining decision.  In fact, with the way I have felt about her during the three years of refraining.... if her actions and behaviors would have done anything... they would have encouraged me to restart the pipes.... just to be an annoyance to her!  :) 

In regards to the rosary question.... it has actually come up.  She happens to be a person who proclaims herself to be a "fallen-away Catholic".  As she talks, and talks,  and talks..... incessantly.... even though I really did not want to hear her "backstory" I have heard her talk about it at least four or five times.  She was one of those "kids" in the family when she was young who wanted to rebel against everything in the family in which she grew up.  She was also hell bent on getting FAR away from her family when she went off to college.  She immediately quit any association with Catholicism.  She now denigrates it anytime she can wedge it into a conversation.  But, she has seen at least on two occasions I can recall, my finger rosary (one when I was pulling change out of my pocket to see if I could give her some quarters she needed) and one time when I had it on my finger while praying the rosary while getting some coffee.  She knows that I am Catholic (and there are three others in my Department that are as well).  

So, to answer your question more broadly..... she hurt me very deeply about some WORK related issues.  Her behaviors have NOT impacted nor influenced in any way either my pipe smoking nor my Catholicism.  I do not really care what her opinions are on either of those topics.  I am however, still *trying* to perform my Lenten vow of forgiveness with her.  I am doing that because it is the right thing FOR me to do.  Yesterday, my "chuckling" under my breath about her negative reaction to seeing my empty pipe was really inconsequential.... but I do admit it was something I DID choose to do in some small way... to illicit that silly overreaction in her.  So, I am a bit guilty of purposefully trying to goad her into being annoying yesterday.... which was not me doing what I should.  

AnvilCloud.... yes, you are 100% correct that I am not responsible for her actions.   But.... I do also have to admit.... I was able to predict her reaction.... and I (probably with less kindness than I should have had) chose to stimulate that reaction in her.  And, I still chuckle about it, even though I feel guilty doing so.  :)

Cynthia... Yes... she will be who she is.  It is not my place to try to "change" her.  If I want "change" I can only try to change myself.  That is what I am working on being able to be better at.  I feel this Lenten Vow effort of working towards forgiving her is good for me.  I admit it is awfully damn hard at times.  But, I think I am moving in the right direction.  I would love to feel full forgiveness towards her by Easter.  But, that may be only a pipe dream.  But.... my vow does not end at Lent.  I will continue to work at this.  

* * * * *

As far as my pipes go.  Today is a relatively easy day it feels.  While I have thought about pipes quite a bit, and even had a beautiful dream about working a side-gig in a tobacco shop after retirement (This time, my dream was me and my wife on some sort of isolated, touristy,  resort island.  I worked perhaps two hours a day... and I was able to wear flamboyant, tropical-themed shirts on the job to my heart's content.  I had such a colorful array of shirts I was putting the island's male peacocks to shame.)... overall the desire to smoke my pipes is just a pleasant, but not yearning desire.  :)

PipeTobacco

St. Patrick's Pipe

 

 

PCS Scale Today = 5.  

 

As it is St. Patrick's Day, I have dressed as is typical for me on this day, in my "tweediest" green clothes... I have a snap-brim hat in dark green herringbone tweed, I am sporting a dark green tweed vest, pine green shirt with a golden-green tie, and dark green corduroy pants.  I am even carrying around in my vest pocket, my green-bowled Dr. Grabow pipe, which is exactly the same style and shape as is pictured above. 

 

Even though my pipe (like the one above) was always a very pleasant smoking pipe, I had never used it all that often... because it is green.  It had always been held in reserve just for St. Patrick's Day.   When I purchased it, which if I recall correctly, was sometime in the early 1980s,  painted, and/or leather bound briar bowls were enjoying a brief resurgence in popularity at the pipe shops I frequented. I do have one leather wrapped and stitched pipe from that era as well.  The medium brown leather is a perfect match for the leather collar and leather elbow patches on a dark brown corduroy sport coat I still wear regularly to this day.  

 

When I was finally able to run yesterday in the very late afternoon, because it was still rough on the trail, I treadmilled my miles.... and after listening to my dozen or so songs on Pandora (some personal favorites popped up in including "Carry On & Questions" by CSN&Y, "Photographs & Memories" by Jim Croce, and "Hand Me Down World" by The Guess Who amongst others) and watching the wonderful Capuchin Mass (Fr. Dan was the celebrant, so it was especially strong) from the previous day..... I found I had ran a total of 10.1 miles.... which made me feel pretty damn happy... as I did not really feel particularly tired.  

This morning, I had to get up at 4:45am to fit in my 9 miles (the one especially good Pandora song in this morning's dozen was "What is Life" by George Harrison) and Capuchin Mass was celebrated by a visiting Capuchin Priest, but was nice.   so I could get to the U extra early as it was an especially fun, but busy lab day that I had in store for my embryology students.  We were examining organogenesis in living eggs (bird eggs).  I had to get in especially early to get materials warmed and prepped for our work.  I had already been prepping a few evenings this past weekend and early this week to have an array of different early stages in incubation at just the right time.  To get the timing of development just right, I had to drive out to the U a few times at 11:30 pm to put eggs in the incubator.

I am not sure if I should count my effort this morning as a true effort in my Lenten Vow or not.  But, I had a bit of a "naughty & nice" moment with regards to the person I am working to forgive and be friendly with.  I ended up talking with her for a few moments when I arrived at the U this morning.  While I was having this brief talk with her at the Department's "Coffee Station" another colleague came up and commented on my green attire and said all he had on were green socks.  I then reached into my vest pocket and pulled out my (EMPTY) green pipe and chomped down on the stem (with my mask still on) to show my "full look".  He laughed.... and I did this, even though I KNEW EXACTLY that my doing this would "tweak and aggravate" the person I am trying be forgiving towards.  When I glanced back towards her, she had wrinkled her nose and her brows were furrowed and she turned to walk back to her office.  So, I think today's effort is more of a "sum-zero" draw of sorts..... I did try to be talkative and forgiving of her.... but I also did an action that I already KNEW would aggravate her.  And perhaps my suggesting my effort was a "draw" is perhaps being too generous.... because I have to admit I "chuckled" inside about my silly actions and about her silly response.... that I knew 100% she would have.  

 

PipeTobacco  

Rituals

 

PCS Scale Today = 8.

Today is very windy, cloudy, and cold.  It is a day of that very damp sort of cold that seems to push deep inside a body.  The temperatures are below freezing, and overnight we had a glazing of ice on the roads and about an inch of snow.  I did not yet run, because I had to get to the U very early to take care of some important survey work I had forgotten to bring with me to the U yesterday, and needed some of the U equipment to finish up the work.  So, I arrived on campus at about a quarter of an hour before 7am.  I will have to force myself to run my needed nine miles when I am done working late this afternoon.  

My mood is a bit "on-edge" at the moment.  Nothing is inherently wrong.  It is just that I am feeling out of routines and out of my patterns and rituals of a normal work day.  This semester, I normally do not go to the U on this day because I am involved in teaching my LARGE classes that were required to go online due to no space for adequate social distancing.  So, after coming to the U, and working for a few hours, I had to rush home to my set-up for my on-line classes (I could do it technically from my office, but all my various supplies are organized for these classes at home, and my U office equipment has also been a bit "sketchy" the last few days as the U works on some infrastructural "improvements".  So, I went home.  

On the way home, I stopped for a rare treat, one that I have not had since the pandemic.  I purchased through the drive-through window of a Starbucks on my route home, a small Matcha Green Tea Frappachino  (with skim milk and no whipped cream to try to keep it reasonably close to being healthy). It is sort of a "pseudo-healthy" variation on a milkshake, but is the flavor of matcha green tea, which has a very pleasant, earthy flavor to it.   It actually felt quite decadent, and with only ~190 calories, not *horribly* bad for me.  

Today, in regards to my pipes, I have still been feeling a longing for the more hedonistic aspects of what I enjoy from my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  The deep, slow, methodical smoking of a pipe and the gently calming way the pipe smoke quiets and relaxes my mind is what I was desiring in a very strong fashion this morning.  It was what my mind was desiring, and yet I was also missing the ritualistic "fussing" that is inherent in preparing and indulging in a deep, slow, methodically smoked pipe as well.  The filling and tamping of the bowl's chamber with the crumbles of tobacco, the the ignition of my Zippo pipe lighter by the roll of the flint wheel with my thumb.  The drawing of the flame into the bowl of tobacco, and the flavors, textures, and feel of the thick, palpable, almost chalky smoke... and of course the feelings brought by the tobacco smoke's beautiful elixirs upon my thoughts, my emotions, and my psyche.  The "ritual" of the whole event, the whole package has been what I have had as a desire since awakening. I have felt the lack of, and the desire for this ritual of pleasure since awakening.

I have a project I *should* be working harder on.  It is the revision of a course book I wrote and I am supposed to be writing, editing, and expanding upon it for this fourth edition.  But, I have had very little "muse" in terms of my writing focus.  Earlier in the semester, I forged strongly ahead in this work through about the first 1/3 of the text.  But, since that time I have been a proverbial sloth in my efforts. I need to get the gumption up to jump back into this, so that I can meet the internal deadline I have set to be well ahead of the publisher's deadline.  

Then again, I *should* be working hard on a grant proposal application as well.  Yet, I seem to have an even more challenging writers "block" towards this writing effort than I have even for the revision above.  

I think I am allowing much of my available time to be frittered away by more eagerly working on massaging my research student's writing efforts (like for their talks/posters at the regional meeting last week), on editing and massaging the two Honor's Theses that two of my students have that will be due at the end of the semester, and on a whole helluva lot of fussing with electronic minutia in the virtual classroom to try to make it more meaningful and more equivalent to "face-to-face" teaching.  All of those things *are* important.  But, I think I am perhaps using them as a way to "permit" a feeling of accomplishment in my actions by working MORE on these easier efforts and in effect allowing my slovenly, slothy habits to continue unchecked in the other, also important work.  

I will be listening to yesterday's Capuchin Mass when I run later.  I hope the Mass provides me with  helpful guidance for me to work towards being a better version of myself... the way I believe I can BE with more thought, more careful and purposeful effort, and  a stronger resolve to be better than I am.

I am still also trying to coax my wife into making a more firm decision on what she would like in her next vehicle.  She, is, however, rather undecided still.  

PipeTobacco     

Dentist Before Going to U

PCS Scale Today = 5

I had a 7:30am dental appointment today, so I had to get up especially early at 4:30am to run my nine miles (~14.5 km) on the infernal treadmill.  But I got it done!  I pushed myself as well, running faster on this damnable machine than I have every done for nine miles before.  It is still a bit slower than my typical pace when I am outdoors (I worry if I were to push to that speed, I will not be as successful running perfectly in a straight line on the narrow track.).  But, with the added effort and the lack of a breeze because I was inside.... when I was finished, I was so wet with perspiration that I felt akin to drowned rat.  Heart rate was at 140 when I finished, which was a nice level to reach for cardiovascular health and improvement. 

It has been a long time since I have not worn a mask in front of anyone who was not in my household, but... of course I needed to be "demasked" to have my teeth examined and cleaned.  Very fortunately, my teeth and gums were in good shape (I guess my 4-5 brushing a day and 2 uses of dental floss daily were effective enough.).  The hygienist complemented me on having to do virtually nothing other than the usual polishing to my teeth.  

The nicest part about being "demasked" was that the hygienist was was rather effusive in terms of complementing me on my beard and mustache.  Three different times she commented positively about it..... initially she said it was "beautiful and luxurious", then she said it was "handsome and colorful" (it  is mostly a steel wool, gun-metal gray for the vast majority most of it, but it has a small smattering of occasional brown, black, and red hairs that remain from before I turned gray). and then she commented that she liked how it was curly as well.  And, to top it off.... the dentist also commented when he eventually came in to give a final inspection of my chompers.... he told me my beard and mustache were "impressive".  

After I began to let my facial fur grow out longer than the ~ 1/2 to 1 inch length I had worn it for my whole adult life.... I started to let it grow out longer about perhaps 2.5 years ago.... I started to get a lot of complements from students before Covid-19 happened.   I still keep it neat and tidy and do trim it a bit every once in a while to keep the edges of my mustache neat and the edges of my beard uniform. But, it is perhaps 3-4 times longer overall than I had worn both the mustache and beard previously.  

But, with being masked during this last year (with a big HEAVY & THICK mask that covers all of my face below my eyes) the only part of my beard that would show in the last year was the portion that would show below the mask. The mask, in effect, quelled comments about my longer beard/mustache because most of it was hidden.  Truthfully, I did not realize I was actually missing getting these occasional, positive comments, for today I felt very sincerely flattered to receive these positive accolades like this.  The dental appointment put a smile (furry-faced grin?) on my face.  

My pipe cravings are down to a more moderate level today it seems.  I would relish smoking my pipes, and I still think about them.  But, the yearning today is not as severe as it was in the latter part of last week.  Now the desire for the pipe is more rather an "hedonistic" sort of  desire.... just for the sheer pleasure and charm they can bring to my spirit and mind. 

PipeTobacco

Pity Party Dump

 

PCS ranking today - 9

Just a caveat before I begin.... I am in a extremely sad, self-pitying mood at the moment.  I realize this.  I am just experiencing inconsequential first-world, meaningless problems.  I am able to put on a happy face through my day.  But, I need a place to "dump" my inner thoughts.  That place is here.

Every year at somewhere around this time, there is a regional research conference that I have attended every year for 37 years now.  I have presented, I have had many research students present, and I have been and continue to active in the leadership, governance, and committee activities of this research conference.  This year, of course, due to Covid-19, it is virtual.  That is ok.  It is going well enough.  No problems in that regard.  

But, I am feeling a huge degree of sadness, and a huge sense of loss.  It has been 27 years since I lost my father, 14 years since I lost my mother, 3 years since I lost my friend,  my father-in-law.  I am feeling those three losses especially acutely today.  

My wife is, as her usual pattern at this time of this event, is spending the day with her mother and her sister, and they are going on their annual "pilgrimage" to eat a Lenten fish-and-chips meal that is put on by a gun club near the home where my wife grew up.  It has been a ritual those three have engaged in for decades. This year, due to COVID, they are getting take-out and eating at my mother I -laws home.  I am happy for my wife to have this activity.  I do not want to participate in it myself and cannot because of the meeting.  But, I never did for a) it is a special thing for those three to be together in that way, b) honestly, I do not like "fish-n-chips" generally, and not really at all from that place, and c) it is not and has not been "my thing".  While they were out eating fish and shopping, my ritual after the meeting was finished was to stop by my father-in-laws while they were out and spend time with him. 

But, I had a "thing" (or more accurately, several "things") over the years as well.  But, they are all gone.  For a lot of years I would come back from this annual event and visit with my Dad and Mom, and we would have something special together, often a cake, or some such thing, and I would sit and talk with both of them, and my Dad and I would smoke our pipes together and go traipse around the yard examining what would need "doing" for the start of Spring.  

Then my father passed.  But, that led me to taking over all the responsibilities for keeping up the home and the yard of my parent's home.  It was a good thing, and it allowed me regular, consistent ways for me to help and be with my mother.  We had our own "ritual" of sorts on this day during that time after the passing of my father.  We would order "breakfast" take-out to eat together from a small restaurant in a town near where I grew up.  This was not AT breakfast, but we would eat this for dinner together and it would be a predictable, reliable ritual that both of us looked forward to every year after this meeting.  

And, also interspersed with the above,  would be my visits to my father-in-law (actually when it began, it was still when I was just dating my wife). As I have spoken, it was very common for me to visit him on Fridays, have a drink or two together, smoke our pipes together and just chat about anything.  It was always a guaranteed destination for me at the end of the day of this meeting.  He would find it fascinating to hear about some of the work talked about, would be interested to hear how my and my students presentations went, but mostly it was just a time for us to enjoy some casual, friendly time together.  

And, for a lot of years, I was able to intermix having time with all three of them on this day.  Then... it went down to two.  Then... down to only one of them.  And, now it is completely gone.  And, today, the day of this meeting, it especially hurts, I guess.  

I feel even a bit jealous that my wife and her Mom (and sister) are still able to have their ritual.  I do not want it to end for them either.  I just *wish* I had MY versions of it still as well.  

Please know.... that I *do* know I need to make some new version of this ritual for myself.  I understand that.  I understand that and realize that is obviously a solution of some sort.  But, it is not what I want at the moment.  I know what I want cannot happen any longer, but that does not change the reality of my feelings.

But, what I am trying to express here, today, right now.... is not really about trying to find a "fix".... but it is to express the grief I have and still experience about these losses.  And, I damn well know I am not the only person to lose family.  I am not that imbecilic.  But, at the same time, this hurt is significant (for me) and hurts a lot (for me).  I feel a need to acknowledge these feelings here.

And, I so very much want to smoke my pipes right now.  I could so easily do so, as they are before me as I type during this luncheon break from the virtual version of this meeting.  I have thought about it much of the morning today.  And, I have even thought of  doing so at the end of this day's last talk.  But, then if I were to do so, wouldn't I just be indulging in a way that only reinforces my sense of loss?  Because a pipe alone, today, would...  just BE me having a pipe.... alone.  

I feel idiotic for my emotions.  I feel a failure.  I feel alone.  I feel like all I do is work.

I am sorry.  This was just a bunch of sh*tty, non-nonsensical rambling. I hoped it would be cathartic.  Instead, I just feel more of a fool. Back to the meeting.

PipeTobacco

Uneventful

 

Hoping for today to be an uneventful day.  We shall see how it goes.

My PCS (Pipe Challenge Scale) today feels at about a level 8.  I am not sure why I am feeling again a cascade of pretty deep yearnings for my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  I do wish I could find a pathway back to them that does feel legitimate, manageable, and appropriate for the 2021-times we are in.  Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out how.  Even thought it is not always my opinion on the matter, today it feels like I am mostly struggling with how to find a path that is manageable for me to maintain without adding extra work or stress to my day-to-day life.  

Because of work related obligations, I needed to get up especially early to run.  Because of the deep darkness of the early morning, and because it was currently quite windy (~23mph (~37kph)), I started on the treadmill and listened to the Capuchin Mass (from Tuesday) while I ran 4 miles.  The Gospel had in part this statement from Matthew:

"Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

This impacted me deeply.  With my sour, "wrong-side-of-the-bed" feelings through most of the day yesterday, I knew that at least some my emotions were about the person I spoke of who yammered incessantly. My Lenten vow of forgiveness to this person (and the other one as well) NEEDS to be my focus.  I guess it was a bit of a pipe dream to think that my efforts to interact with her more and to talk with her more would end up going hand-in-hand with a washing away of my anger and distrust of her.  But, with listening to the Gospel and Homily in the Mass, it helped me to see that in addition to the external acts of forgiveness (interacting with her more, etc) I have to really work internally within myself to feel that forgiveness towards her more completely in my mind and my body and soul.  The externals alone are not enough to instill that act of forgiveness in my actions.  I seem to have a helluva lot more work to do in this regard, if yesterday was any indication.  I wish I could be better at this.  It *is* hard.

When Mass concluded, there was just enough hint of light being able to be seen through the basement windows, that I decided.... to hell with the wind.... I want to run outside.  So,  I ended up running 5.5 miles outside as  the sun rose.  It *was* awfully damn windy for much of the run, so I feel a bit more tuckered out than usual.  Running into a really strong headwind is no joke.  So, in total I ran 9.4 miles (~15 km) this morning.

When I finally arrived at the U, I ended up gobbling my cereal and blueberries in rapid time.  Not only was I feeling utterly famished, but I only had a few minutes before a meeting started.

PipeTobacco 

Sandpaper

Perhaps after some time, it will have an effect of "smoothing" my various rough edges.  But, sincerely, today has felt like a "sandpaper" day.  I feel as if I am being rubbed raw from very gritty sandpaper.  Basically, in other words, it has been a tough day.  I feel irritable, I feel tired.  Here is a synopsis:

• I did not sleep well.  My TMJ is acting up quite a bit.
• I woke up at around 3:30, but was already feeling ornery.  I was feeling grumpy and was having all sorts of thoughts, and ruminations over problems going through my mind.  
• I wanted to go back to sleep.  
• My "Pipe Challenge" scale today was definitely a 9.  And I felt the loss at 3:30am.  Usually I sleep deeply and fall asleep easily.  But, on those rare situations where I am awake and just cannot seem to get into the mood to sleep, I have often found that a if I would go and have a bowl of dark and very robust pipe tobacco in one of my bigger-bowled pipes, and I would slowly and methodically indulge myself through that bowlful that I would be able to easily and gently drift back into slumber once I went back to bed. 
• Of course, that was not to be this morning, so I struggled.  I went and took the dog outside in the cool air,, thinking that might help.  But, I mostly wanted a pipe then too, as it was very common at that time of morning.  
• I finally went back to bed, and after tossing and turning for a bit, and after trying to stop thinking about the various worries and concerns as hard as I could figure out... I eventually drifted into a light slumber.  

So, what was I thinking about?  Well, sadly, I had two primary frustrations go back and forth in my mind.  

1) a sense of sheer annoyance at one of the two people I am trying to be forgiving toward in my Lenten vow.  If you remember, I was cordial and nice to this person and even asked her a few questions yesterday.  But, even though it was not directed at me in any way.... I became rather frustrated with her (as usual) monopoly on the conversation, her beligerance in terms of her opinions on damn near anything she talks about.... it is always "her-way, or the highway" in terms of her mindset.  And, I had been away from her long enough before this to have not been thinking about how incessantly, and constantly she talks, and talks and talks.  Seriously, I worked diligently when I drove home from the event to taking this all in stride, and into keep working on the idea of MY goal of being forgiving and tolerant and kind, and kept coaching myself in the idea that I cannot change HER, I can only change ME.  And, I thought I did a decent job of this yesterday and went to bed thinking things were ok.  But, apparently my inner psyche had different opinions as I had annoying dream/nightmares about this person and you know the rest about my waking pretty much grumpy as hell.  

 2) another part of my thinking when I could not sleep this morning revolved around the family member who I gingerly spoke about when I returned from my recent absence.  The problems/issues/challenges of this person came flooding back to me while I was sleeping and I had been ruminating about that situation during parts of my sleep as well. 

So.... in other words... I damn well woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  If I had had a pipe when I awoke, I think I may have been able to turn around my thoughts and would have perhaps had a better day.  

But, then when I eventually did drift back off to sleep.... I ended up oversleeping and could only get in 6 miles before I had to get ready to head to the U for a damn meeting.  I ran an additional 3.2 miles (to get over my 9 miles for the day) when I arrived home.  

All day long I was finding myself wanting a pipe.  When I was running, when I was praying, when I was watching/listening to the Capuchin mass, while I was in the U meetings, and while I worked at my desk.  

 It was just a rough, sandpaper day for me.

 PipeTobacco     

Ephemeral

 

I think I did my due diligence today:

1.  First morning in a helluva long time where I could run my entire run outside!  The trail was clear, there was hardly any wind, it was beautiful seeing sunrise.  9.2 miles (~15km).

2.  We had such a warm spell yesterday that a good 90% of the snow melted.  This revealed the needed, yearly, arduous task that I always have this time of the year on garbage collection day.... "Poopville".  In the dead of the winter, when my dog does her "business" the "output" typically freezes to the snow very rapidly and then is also often covered in snow... so it is not able to be collected for disposal.  So, in the area of her string (an area about 30 feet across (~9 m)) each time when we have the big snow melt, there is revealed a truly shocking number of examples of her "output".  As is my typical pattern on this day, I work feverishly with disposable gloves on my hands and a few large grocery bags, and in the earliest part of the morning, I go out and collect these "outputs" for disposal.  I do this very early in the morning, because the morning is still a bit below freezing and the "output" is solid and a bit easier to pick up for disposal.  I had two nearly filled grocery sacs when I finished the task and moved them to the garbage can.  Fortunately, during the rest of the year (non-winter), I can simply collect the smaller number of "outputs" every few days from the area of her string.  

3.  Because of the lack of classes today at the U, it was deemed a "perfect" opportunity by someone to have a socialization event in the Department at a park near the U at the lunch period... the park being a site where adult libations could be consumed without the need to have someone go through the very extensive paperwork and rigamarole to have approved alcohol on campus.  I am not extremely fond of bigger gatherings of this sort which mostly are just idle chit-chat.  I much prefer socialization to be perhaps with one, two or three others at a time... small groups of just a few people are much more in my comfort zone than is a larger group of 1-2 dozen people like this "gala" affair.  But, of course, it felt like it was my duty to attend.  I went, and worked hard to try to make progress on my Lenten vow of being forgiving to the two who have been so very unkind.  I did idly talk with each person a bit, and engaged them to each talk a bit about their family.  I nursed one beer through the early afternoon and ate only vegetation (carrots, celery, and the various other trayed vegetation someone brought) so as to not spoil my appetite for eating dinner in the evening.  The afternoon was (as usual for me in these larger gatherings of chit-chat) quite exhausting, but I did it, and used it as an opportunity to try to make progress on my Lenten vow.  Truth-be-told, however, the 2.5 hours of this socialization event made me feel more tired than if I had worked diligently for a full eight-hours on regular work activities of teaching, research, or service.  Again, I can ENJOY and have fun in small groups of folks and can feel relaxed and sometimes even invigorated in a smaller group setting.  But, these 1-2 dozen people events are just not a natural part of my wheel house.  They always exhaust me.  I *can* and *do* do these sorts of events (and do so "successfully" in that I can "fit in" fine) as a part of my job.... but they are not enriching for my soul, for my psyche.... nor a good fit for my personality.     

4.  My wife has been thinking about her future vehicle.  She is not yet fully clarified in terms of what she would like, but it did prove a very helpful venture yesterday as she is now much closer to figuring it out.  Pat happened to mention in the comments about buying used.  And, in reality, that is exactly what my plans are.  Over the course of my life, I have had to get a variety of vehicles.  In graduate school, my vehicles were often what folks would consider "clunkers" being very inexpensive vehicles with a helluva lot of miles on them, typically 10-12 years old when I bought them... at least.  But, I did pretty well... ended up with some nice vehicles (with a bit of work) that even tended to look clean, nice, and tidy.  When I earned my Ph.D. and had had my first full-time job, I purchased my one-and-only new vehicle in my life.  I spent many days arguing and fussing with the dealer about what I was willing to pay, and eventually I did win out.  I thought that perhaps a new vehicle would seem "amazing" in some fashion.  But, I quickly realized that new cars (for me anyhow) are a foolish venture.  After the first month, it just was another vehicle.  And in fact, many times, I found the fresh-feeling of the purchased vehicle lasted LONGER in most of the used cars I bought because I would spend time cleaning and fussing with the vehicle to get it to shine and be its very best that it could be both inside and out for the first few weeks of ownership.  After that single new car, I reverted back to only buying used vehicles... although they no longer are "clunkers" but are only a few years old. 

5.  Today was one of the more challenging pipe days for me in the last two weeks.  I wanted to smoke my pipes right upon awakening when I got out of bed a 5:00am.  And, I felt pretty deeply its non-presence throughout the entirety of the day.  If I were to create a relative scale of "Pipe Challenge" where it was a 10 point scale with "1" being a day where I would think about smoking my pipes, but it was relatively easy to just think about them occasionally throughout the day without significant yearnings, and "10" being a day where I feel I am at my wits end, and feel very, very significant yearnings that just do not dissipate in any fashion.... today would be a "7".  And, I especially acutely felt this during the time I was nursing my single beer while in the park.  

PipeTobacco

Vehicles

 With my not having any formal classes today, my wife and I went out looking at vehicles for an eventual replacement for her vehicle.  We test drove a variety of vehicles so I could get a better handle on what she was currently liking and not liking in regards to her vision of her next vehicle.  While I am of the opinion we will be purchasing a used vehicle at some point, test driving what was out there today had us trying a variety of new and lightly used vehicles at dealerships.  After about 10 different vehicles that she tried, I am figuring out more accurately what she is wanting in her next vehicle.  After some more discussion, I can begin the arduous task of finding the target vehicle in a form that is viable and cost effective.  When I got my latest vehicle (used) about 12 years ago, it took me about six months of searching to find the specific one I was wanting for the price I was willing to pay.  I suspect this will be similar (as you have gathered from other posts, I am rather penny-pinching and do not want to be “taken for a ride” in terms of price).  The vehicles we get for my wife tend to be rather lightly used, but still used.  My own vehicles tend to be older, and (of course) more used.  

It was a pleasant day of her exploring, and we had a very nice time.  We of course, paid considerable heed to proper social distancing and other COVID related mask wearing and other protocols.  

I was thinking about how this was the first time I had not had a pipe with me while vehicle shopping in my life.  I have to admit I felt a bit “naked”.  And, it is interesting (to me anyhow) how I missed my pipe during all the moving about and talking with the various sales folk.  It is easier to deal with their yammerings that I tend to mostly ignore, when I had my pipe.  

PipeTobacco 

Haddock

 

For many decades I have greatly enjoyed the European comic " The Adventures of Tintin".  The image above is of my two favorite characters from this comic, Captain Haddock, and the dog, Snowy.  

Captain Haddock is a very good rendition of the classic character of a fellow who is both faulty and yet attempts to be heroic.  He has various foibles and yet tries to do the right thing.  He also is known to vehemently "cuss" when angry in variety of creative and comic-friendly ways (i.e.  "That hurt more than billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles!!").    The Captain Haddock character also reminds me of two other characters that are also much to my liking.... "Watson" especially as played by Nigel Bruce, and .... the musical theater version of "Don Quixote".  I feel a bit of a kinship to these characters because, even though I am quite well aware of my many, many shortcomings and foibles, I also do know that I do also strive to try to be and become a better person.  

While I was running at 5:30am this morning (I ran 9.8 miles (~16 km)), I was able to watch yesterday's (Thursday's) Morning Mass from the Capuchin's Province I have been so fortunate to find having on-line recordings of their services.  I have four priests of the several there that I especially enjoy  for me to see conducting Mass (even though all are good).  And today, one of those four, Fr. Dan, was the Celebrant, so I was quite pleased.  The Gospel was the story comparing and contrasting the Rich Man who did nothing with his wealth except enjoy life with the Poor Man, Lazarus.  Fr. Dan, very eloquently discussed in his Homily (far more astutely than I can put down here) about how we are called to be better people, and not be like the Rich Man.... simply decide that other's problems and difficulties "Are not my fault!" or "I didn't cause this!".... but instead that we are called to use the fortunate things we do have to work hard and to try to use these gifts in ways to help others and to help to do good for our community. 

I can and sometimes *do* this sort of good work in my classroom.  I try to be a robust, engaging, and guiding teacher.  I do try to do this in trying to discover new knowledge in my research.  I do try to do this in my community service.  But there is so very much more I *could* do, that I am either too lazy, or too self-centered, or just too stubborn and do not do.  I think this idea of working to do good.... to do more... to do BETTER actually meshes well with the one (very difficult) Lenten vow I have set for myself this Lent.  As you may recall, I have been striving to forgive the two folks who hurt me, so, so very deeply.  I am nowhere near where I should be yet, but I have had two opportunities thus far where I have been  cordial to the person who hurt me the most, and one opportunity where I was even a bit on the friendly side to the other person who hurt me.  Minor inroads at progress, but at least my trajectory is in the right direction.    But, in truth, there is so much more beyond this Lenten vow that I could and should do to become a better person in so many areas of my life.  Fr. Dan has given me a lot to think about.  

I have still been replaying that damn silly video I made of myself.  I find it both humorous and also odd how watching that little snippet of video makes me smile.  Watching it gives me a bit of contentment of sorts, for I guess it "feels" like I am seeing ME again in some way.  I, of course, still very much *want* to smoke my pipes.  But, until I can figure out IF that is legitimately possible for me, and if it is possible, how to do so in an appropriate way.... it does provide a modicum of happiness. 

PipeTobacco

Gag Order

 

I apologize for my being away.  

It has been a rather difficult time.  I had gotten some rather problematic, rather worrisome, and both embarrassing AND sad news from a close relative.  It has been occupying a significant amount of my time.  I would like to talk about it here, but out of a respect for this person's privacy I feel I must remain mute about this situation. I have been working at putting this person's news into perspective, for I cannot truthfully control or help any of it. It has brought back a lot of feelings of helplessness in me.... feeling I have been trying to overcome.  But, they have been back and I have been struggling with them.  

So, other than feeling the added stresses of the above news, my life has been pretty much its yawn inducing routine:

1.  Cyborging away with my 1/2 electronic teaching, every day.

2.  Teaching face-to-face for 1/2 of my classes.

3.   Running to run.  Running to reduce stress.  Running to try to feel like I am doing something "good".

4.   On days when I do not attend Mass (like on Saturday or Sunday), I now will watch nearly every day, the daily Mass from the Capuchins that I have so grown to appreciate for their wisdom and their service. 

5.  Eating healthy.

6.  Getting to hopefully spend an hour or so in the evening with my wife and other family.

The above is my life. It is such a static feeling.  At this time, I really have no time to have goals, no time for hobbies, no time for any anything other than what I can do before I drop nearly instantly to sleep each night.

My ONE, very brief foray outside of my robot-like existence in the last many days was for such a silly, useless, but mildly entertaining to me action that I will have to mention. One very early morning, after I was finished running on the damn treadmill, it was just a bit after sunrise... and I was taking the dog out to do her "business".  It was a very dry, brittle, and cold morning, and when I exhaled out-of-doors my breath (perhaps from the heat of just finishing running) came out in visible plumes.  On the spur of the moment, I quickly ran into the garage and grabbed one of my pipes, clamped my teeth comfortably onto the stem, and then using the infernal camera on my phone, I took a 15-20 second video of myself where it LOOKED like I was smoking my pipe, due to the visible exhalations on that very cold morning.  

I mean, come on... that is an old trick I used to find interesting or fun as play back when I was 6 or 7 years old, not in my grizzled, grey-bearded old-self condition.    

But, and this is the even worse part.... I'll be damned, but I have probably watched that 15 seconds of video at least 30-35 times since I recorded it.  Stupidly it makes me feel "happier" to at least be pretending to smoke my pipes.  

I am an idiot.

PipeTobacco