Working to Turn 180

 

After a very rough weekend, I am striving to turn around my mindset to focus and reshape my thoughts to feel happier and more content.  I am not going to be "poly-anna-like" and try to dismiss or deny or ignore the things that hurt, but I am going to work damn hard to see beyond them.  So, bullets of good and bad:

• The vaccinations are DONE!  Both of them.... bivalent Covid and Flu.  With getting the shots on Friday, I was utterly wiped out and sore and achy all day Saturday.  But, I forced myself to (with my wife's help) clean out the garden and get it empty and set.  As we use a community garden space, we were required to have this accomplished before November 1st.  We did so with a few days to spare.  I felt as if I had been run over by a truck.
• Apparently, the vaccines (perhaps) caused a massive flare-up in  my TMJ.  The inflammation was so intense on my left side of my jaw that I could not close my mouth sufficiently to get my teeth to mesh.  I used the time to fast completely (other than fluids) on Saturday.  
• The person who I no longer write about here had a major blow-out in terms of attitude and emotions on Sunday.  I resolutely worked to remain calm and not get into an argument.  Unfortunately, this one was a "solo" event as my wife was gone all day with my SIL and they went to a concert together (a present for my SIL's birthday).  While my SIL struggled a fair amount getting into and out of the concert venue (even with using her handicap sticker on my wife's vehicle to get her as close as possible to the venue), she and my wife had a good time.  
• In order to try to feel some peace myself, after the person's blow-out, and after things had settled into a general "normalcy" with this person, I decided that in order for me to calm myself that I would go to the U.  Part of this was to allow the person to work on what the person needed to do on my home-office computer (I used my computer at work when I got to the U), and part was I needed to change my focus and feel I had accomplished something, and part was that it was better than feeling alone (without my wife).  I got home from the U at ~9:30pm last night.  
• Got up at my 5:00am alarm, and proceed to again dress and head to the track.  I was feeling still somewhat sore and tired and really not in the mindset to run, but it was my only time of today to be able to do so, so I forced through it.  I only was able to get in 10.7 miles (~17.2 km) before I had to stop so I could get to the U on time this morning.  
• PCS = 7.  I do not know what to say positive about this, other than I positively WANT to smoke my pipes.  But, I do not know how to do so safely in a way that isn't just more struggle and work to maintain.  So, I sit as I do, just living in the "7" I guess.  
• Four hours of lecturing coming up, and then a late afternoon of research.  I hope my jaw stays calm after all the loud yammering I need to do.  
• There is a small potential that my wife may be able to go with me and we can go swimming in the late afternoon today.  I would like that very, very much.  I hope that it is able to happen.

Happy Halloween,

PipeTobacco

NOT Good Times

There was a Norman Lear developed television show from the 1970s that some of you may recall, that was called "Good Times".  The show was a socio-political drama/comedy (as are all of Lear's television programs that I am aware of).  It focused on the lives of a working poor family who lived in a large, run-down public housing project. Initially, it was a very good program, but quickly the program devolved into a show that focused on one character (who unfortunately became a caricature with a catch phrase of "Dyn[o]mite."  At that point, the program became a simple "slap-stick" style comedy of little substance.  

In this brief post, I mentioned "Good Times" because I was attempting sarcasm.... because I am grouchy and damn tired.  A variety of things have helped shape my mood:

• As I have mentioned before, I am a member of the "Parish Council" of my church.  This is fine.  But, this week, there have been TWO scheduled EVENING meetings.  One was on Tuesday evening, lasted 2.5 hours and really could have and should have been handled by a 15 minute e-mail. The other is tonight, and it is a Diocesan-wide meeting about an hour away from here.  It too is likely to ON and ON, when it could likely be handled in a brief e-mail or on Zoom. Tonight, I likely will not be home until 10pm. (sigh)
  
• I am angry because of some new exploits about a person I no longer talk about here.  This relative I no longer talk about was just horrifically rude and mean to my wife and to me.
  
• I am frustrated because NOTHING has been decided about the Department issues from last week.  This drives up my anxiety.
• I am now eligible to get the bivalent Covid booster (had to wait two months from the last booster according to CDC recommendations),  and I also need to get the flu vaccine.  And the "plan" is I will get both of these on Friday.  But, I am not feeling excited about being pretty much guaranteed to be "wiped-out" and feeling sick/feverish/exhausted and sleeping all day on Saturday (this is what happened with each Covid shot I have had in the past, so I suspect it will happen again.... and who the hell knows what the addition of the flu vaccine with it will feel like). The only "upside" is that getting sick on Saturday, means I should feel "ok" by Monday.
• I feel lonely.  I hardly get to see my wife these days.  This week has been and is especially grueling time wise, but then there are also the now USUAL issues of my MIL and my SIL that use huge amounts of the time my wife and I had been able to rely upon to be together

Other items:

• 11 miles again this morning (I am in such a dour mood at the moment, that the first thing that popped into my head after writing 11 miles, was "Who the hell cares?" I am not sure why it even matters.
• PCS = 7.  Likewise... her I am not sure if it really matters anymore if I continue to refrain.  
• TMJ still not gone.  It is about the same as yesterday.... which IS tremendously improved over initially..... but the pain is STILL there, aggravating my feelings and mood. 
  

I want to have time to relax.  I want to have time to be with my wife.  I want to have time to be with my siblings.  I want to go to a Halloween Party.  I want to go to a music concert (there is a very nice Jazz Quartet playing this evening that I had wanted to go see with my wife....but the *&(^ Diocesan Meeting makes it impossible.).  I would like unstructured, casual time.  I would like to go see a movie (nothing on locally except crass Halloween Thrasher type films at the moment in my locale). 

PipeTobacco

Short

 Short post today….. LONG day of work… just returned home now at 8pm:

+ 11 miles per usual at 6:00am

+ big teaching all day…. 5 hours of lecturing robustly

+ TMJ pain about 85% gone.  I am glad. 

+ PCS - 6…. lower than in a number of days.  The sense of urgency to smoke my pipes and the frustration at NOT smoking my pipes was dissipated today.  I still felt a very strong DESIRE to smoke my pipes, but DESIRE is far easier to manage than are urgency and frustration.  

+ my wife should be home very soon and she will be able to update me n my SIL’s doctor’s visits today.  

Going to take a shower and rummage up some food, and probably look at pipes online until she gets home and we can relax.  

PipeTobacco 

Jaw Update

 

It seems if the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fit together, which is a relief.  My jaw pain is significantly lower this morning, and I can actually get my upper and lower molars to touch on the right slide, and the left side is pretty close as well.  This means a lot of the swelling has gone down.  

With the decreased pain since Saturday/Sunday.... this also suggests I did not have an ear infection, but that it was a TMJ Flare-up.... and because it DID occur far more significantly on the side where I had chomped down on the olive pit.... I do believe that is the actual causative action that lead to this flare-up.  

I am hopeful that perhaps later today or at least by tomorrow, the swelling will have dissipated and I can fully close my jaw on both sides.  

Eating all day yesterday was a task that was exhausting.  I ate a lot less than usual because of the pain and because I could not fully close molars against molars.   I in effect attempted to "sort of" chew my food.  It was painful, but I was very hungry.  I also splurged and bought a milkshake because I thought I could at least drink that for some calories and flavor.  

Surprisingly, band rehearsal proved to be absolutely no problem.  I was worried it would be difficult to grip my bass clarinet mouthpiece properly and play.... but because the bass clarinet mouthpiece is pretty hefty, I did not have to close my mouth much, and it was actually pain free.  That was quite nice.... it helped to make band practice probably the most happy part of my day yesterday.  

******************

• 11 miles (~16 km).  It seems like I am being a lazy lout just always running exactly the same every day.  But, it is really all I can fit it before I have to get to the U.  I really need to get to trying to repair my treadmill, as there will be holidays and other days where the track is closed soon, and it will jeopardize me trying to keep up with my weekly goal.  
• PCS = 8.  Still very hard.  If I COULD figure out a way to indulge occasionally (perhaps twice a week), I would do so instantly.  And, while I think I could FORCE myself into that pattern... I do worry it would take more energy and more determination than I have..... I guess I am saying I worry it would be so damn much work.  I need to figure out a way that is "occasional" and yet not so damn hard to do.  

******************

Tonight, I have to go to a church meeting at 7:00pm.  I really do not want to go.  I will be so exhausted by the time I get home.

 PipeTobacco

Considerable Pain

 

I am damn hungry.  But, there is a problem.  My jaw/ear hurts like hell if I try to chew.  It is annoying to say -the-least.

Currently I am suspicious that it is my TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder) that is acting up, although it could be an ear infection.  

• The start of feeling pain began ~Saturday afternoon.  But at that point it was mild.  
• By Saturday evening it was more painful (ear and jaw) and I was thinking it was possibly a build-up of earwax in my left ear.  So, I lavaged my ear with warm water into which I had added a bit of hydrogen peroxide.  Unfortunatley, no earwax was released, suggesting my external auditory canal was clear.
• As it progressed into Sunday, my pain started to grow more.... and included my ear and jaw of course, but also it felt like my sinuses were also inflamed, and I felt warm on my forehead and on the left side of my neck.  I took my temperature.... and although I was within the normal range, my forehead temperature WAS ~1 degree warmer than my normal.  And, when I tested the temperature on my neck, it registered a number indicating a mild inflammation temperature.  This had me begin to think I must have a middle ear infection.  
• I put a few drops of rubbing alcohol in my ear canal and laid on the bed on my side for about 20 minutes, and then turned over to let the alcohol drain out.  This technique accomplished three potential benefits:  a)  It can soften and loosen ear wax (but that was not likely because my other technique already suggested no ear wax accumulation).  b) it can reduce infection (external ear only), and c) it can reduce inflammation in the region.  
• If the alcohol did nothing, I had planned to go to the "Med-Express" about 15 minutes away from home.  
• The alcohol treatment did reduce the pain a bit, but not as much as I had hoped.  So, I was torn.  Should I travel to the Med-Express where most of the time they will not do a damn thing.... or should I go swimming with my wife?  
• I decided to try to hold out.... I was feeling less pain, so I was thinking it seemed more likely NOT a middle ear infection, and started to think it was my TMJ perhaps.  So, I went swimming.  
• The coolness on my forehead and neck (and whole body) felt REALLY GOOD. It reduced quite a bit the pain and discomfort I had.  It was not zero, but it was quite a bit less.  
• I was quite tired from the pain, and the lowering of that pain helped me to realize how tired I felt.  
• Yesterday evening went relatively smoothly.  My wife and I ate.  I was eating and chewing rather gingerly as my pain in the ear/jaw region was only REDUCED, not absent.  
• AS ALWAYS.... (I only have missed wearing one perhaps 4-5 days in the many decades I have had the things.)  ..... I wore my bite splint when I went to bed and went to sleep (I also took two tablets of the aspirin (an NSAID) along with my vitamins).  
• This morning when I awoke, my jaw/ear was PAIN FREE!!!!!!!!
• Until.... I tried to take a bite out of an apple.  Then, the pain was strong and pronounced again.  This type of movement pain now leads me to suspect I am having a TMJ Flare-Up.  I think this is far more likely than the ear infection I previously was concerned I had.  
• So, I have not eaten anything anything yet today.  So, I am damn hungry (as I previously stated).  
• Fortunately, talking doesn't hurt, so I was able to give lectures.  It appears to be the movement that is required to eat food (chewing) is the culprit, which is much more suggestive of TMJ.  And closing my mouth together, where upper jaw teeth articulate with lower jaw teeth..... agony.   

************************************

• Ran 11 miles this morning (~16 km).  Surprise!  (sarcasm).  However, I must admit the running felt good.... it took my mind off of my jaw/ear for a bit.  Listening to the Capuchin Mass was very helpful as well.
• PCS = still very strong..... probably about an 8.5.  When I was feeling the near constant pain Sunday, I would lay on the bed and daydream about smoking my pipes.  The daydreaming about pipes I did while carrying out the alcohol treatment on my ear was also very beautiful.  Maybe I am truthfully just deluding myself in thinking that there is any value or merit in refraining from them?  In many ways I am thinking the only thing keeping me from picking up a pipe at the moment is that I am nervous that if I do so, without a plan, I will just fall back into the old routine within a few days. 
  

 ************************************

Another, final thought just occurred to me as I was thinking about my jaw/ear pain.  I cannot say this with certainty, but I do NOW have an idea of where the swelling and the pain may have originated.  On this past Friday, my wife and I were eating dinner later in the evening.  Unfortunately in my bigger than my head salad, I had one green olive that still had the pit in it (we buy pitted olives of both green and black, but you still sometimes do get an errant pit).  I ended up "finding" this damn pit when I CHOMPED DOWN on it with my back teeth.  

It really hurt like hell!  I have chomped on a pit at least a couple of times each year.  But, it dissipated rather quickly like it has in the past.  HOWEVER, I am now wondering..... because I chomped on this pit farther back in my jawline than I have typically done.... I am wondering of that "CHOMP" may have aggravated my TMJ Joint.... and overnight, it had become inflamed?  It WAS the correct side of my jaw that was feeling the discomfort.  But... I had never had a response like that occur from chomping on a pit.  Previously the pain had always been transitory.  

 But, now thinking about it..... it does seem a little TOO coincidental that the day after chomping down on an olive pit, I start having these symptoms........ I now am thinking this (the pit) may have been the cause of the whole damn thing.  If so, it should continue to dissipate over the next couple of days.  

PipeTobacco 

Ambiguity

 

Ugh.

As I should have anticipated, as it has happened in the past..... not much transpired during the last two days regarding the issues.  They are still up in the air.  It is enormously taxing.

I *did* however, get the opportunity to make SOME of my points/worries known to these two.  Whether it has fallen on deaf ears, however..... remains to be seen.... due to the "up in the air" nature of crap in our Department. 

But, even as I was able to make SOME of my points... the duo is stirring up another hornet's nest of problems.  I very calmly (on the outside) attempted to explain how and where what they were suggesting was very wrong, because their suggestions would violate a multitude of U policies that would problems for students associated with our Department in terms of registering for classes, faculty with our Department having a very real possibility of losing classes due to their (the dynamic duo's) suggestion of how to address a problem they have basically manufactured, and get the Administration even more irate at our Department than they already are. 

Again, I remained calm (on the outside).... but I was experiencing a whole bastion of difficult emotions internally.... panic, rage, anger, resentment, frustration, fear..... and the respective stress hormones from said coursing through my veins.  It was and is, exhausting.

So.... proceed to today..... the initial delay that was created yesterday.... was supposed to be alleviated TODAY in the Department Meeting. "Supposed to" unfortunately is the operative phrase. The faculty got completely mired in a heated discussion/debate/argument about our contract (which is now entering a cycle where new contract negotiations are occurring).  That consumed ~90% of our meeting time,  so the "other" matters have been "delayed" until later with a scant few minute discussion of "there are these problems, and we 'gotta' fix them" (stated by the dynamic duo).  

So.... basically.... nothing is resolved.  It is still in "process" so my damn stressors still remain active.  It is times like these where my mind imagines having a few stiff belts of liquor and several pipes. Now.... apparently.... the decision may be "delayed" until early November..... and that means there will be a continual yammering about these "problems" by everyone with the dynamic duo likely doing their damnedest to do things the most egregious way possible.

* * * * * 

• (broken record, repetitive sounds).... 11 miles (~16km) ran this morning. Same as appears to be my current trend.  I would have liked to get more done, but didn't have enough time to do more and get to the U.
  
• PCS = 9.... what can I say?  It is just damn hard at the moment.  I want a pipe.  Hell, I would like perhaps 6-7 pipes spanned out for the rest of the day, and another 7-8 tomorrow, and so on.  I am concerned my resolve to stay away from my pipes is just about as thin and near failure as is the tread on the heels of my current pair of running shoes that have close to 1000 miles on them (~1,610km).  And, I do not know if I have the energy or gumption to "meter" myself.... to restrict/limit the number of pipes I would indulge in to a level that would feel "reasonably safe" and controlled. 
• The only bright spot the last two days was that I was able to participate in a simulation I have participated in for perhaps 10-15 years now where I portray a character in a simulation for students at the U to get a more intimate awareness of homelessness.  It is a really good simulation and I can see that it does impact these students far more than a simple recitation of the statistics of homelessness does.  I believe the simulation the students experience helps them to better see and understand the world and the need for them to keep in their minds the importance of recognizing our collective responsibilities and needs to help those who are less fortunate.  In my role, I am one of the characters in the community they (the students coping with homelessness) have to deal with.  I always enjoy the role playing, and I especially relish seeing students start to feel more empathy about what so many in our world face, day-to-day.

* * * * * 

Oh.... just received a call from my wife.  My SIL has been rushed back to the emergency room.  My wife is there with her as is my BIL.  (Sigh)  I had hoped she was able to be on the mend.  I will try pack up what I can work on from home, and go to the ER too.  I want my SIL to be ok.  AND, I want my wife to really embrace the health & wellness changes that she NEEDS TO MAKE.  She says she will, but then does not follow through.

PipeTobacco

Anxiety & Stress

 

During the next two days (today and tomorrow in two separate meetings), I will be having to face and discuss MY NEEDS with the folks who have hurt me so very much (as I have written about and alluded to over the last few years).  This is causing me considerable stress and anxiety, as I do not like being "confrontational" nor do I like people being confrontational with me.  I am working through in  my mind very carefully how to simply state what I need, without emotion, or without (hopefully) getting VISIBLY riled up.  I have worked very diligently over the last few years to work through my emotions concerning this matter/situation, and have gotten to a somewhat better emotional space regarding this.  However, there is a factor of this situation that is requiring some effort and change at the moment within the Department and therefore as much as it adds TREMENDOUS stress and anxiety to my life at the moment, I have to forge ahead and "bite the bullet" and proceed with explaining my own mental health needs, and my own emotions concerning this matter.  I hate having to go through this, but I believe the solution I am going to be putting forth is one they CAN easily adopt and it would cause no hardship on their end, yet it would TREMENDOUSLY reduce my own anxiety and anger.... and allow me to continue to work to be the professor and person I need to be.  Yet, I know, from past experience, that these two may balk at ANYTHING, and may be unwilling to even compromise a small bit.  I have to steel myself for that possibility as well, even though it will be EXTREMELY difficult.  

• Ran 11 miles (~16 km).  It is done for the day.  Today, I really needed it to try to cope and manage the stress as well as I can that I am currently experiencing.  
• PCS = 9.  Very, very, very difficult to resist picking up one of my pipes and simply cascading fully back into my old pipe smoking lifestyle from before.  I know that at this particular moment these feelings are heightened because of my anxiety, but that does not make it any easier to cope with them today.  And, I also know that a pipe or 5 or 6 will not make the situation (above) that I would rather avoid go away.... but equally I do know that their beauty and charms would help me ignore them for a bit, and right now I would really appreciate that.

PipeTobacco

Blah

 

 Short post today:

• 11 miles like usual (~16km). It is all I can get it during the time I have. (sigh)
• PCS = 8.  I feel like saying "to hell with it" regarding not smoking my pipes and also regarding trying to figure a way to become an occasional pipe smoker.  I am feeling it just doesn't matter.
• I am very tired of all the political ads and all the b*llsh*t that both sides are saying.  Both are just filled with con-artists who simply work for their own gain. 
  
• I did not get to go swimming yesterday.  With work requirements ramping up this week, and with having had orchestra rehearsal last night, and with my wife not being able to go swimming with me, it just did not happen.
• I try to do good things.  I try to be productive.  I try to help others.  I try to be positive and to be thankful for what my life is.  But so often, like today, it seems I am an insignificant cog in a machine of limited value and that while I "spin" and "spin" as is my role, it seems for nothing and it seems like no one gives a damn about me.... unless I fail to do my "spins".  If I fail in that way, then I am noticed but only negatively and considered useless.

Back to spinning, I guess.

PipeTobacco

Grape Nuts

 

In some ways, I have channeled Euell Gibbons today, in that I convinced my wife to add a few tablespoons of Grape Nuts to my normal morning cereal concoction that I have eaten every weekday for AT LEAST the last 15 years  if not longer:

The basic version of the cereal.....

~3/4 C of All Bran Buds

~3/4 C of Fiber One Cereal

~3/4 C of Blueberries

Milk poured over-top AT LEAST one full hour before consuming, so the cereal is pleasantly soggy.  

While most days the above is exactly how I eat the cereal, sometimes, depending on fruit sales, the blueberries may OCCASIONALLY change to raspberries or blackberries.  And, for a period of time during the height of COVID, there was a shortage of All-Bran Buds, and I had to substitute the less flavorful and less fiber-filled All-Bran Flakes.  And, for added flavor, I have had OCCASIONAL sprinklings of a few tablespoons of other-flavored cereals on top of the basic version (Grape Nuts, Corn Flakes, Cheerios, and Life have been the most common).  

For many, the idea that I wait AT LEAST an hour before consuming my cereal is perceived as odd.  But, I am not really a fan of CRUNCHY cereals.  I tend to feel ANY cereal is improved by being soggy.  This means that often I carry my cereal in a sealed bowl in my lunch pail to the U due to timing.  

To further enhance the sogginess, I eat a separate bowl of fruit and a banana FIRST, before I allow myself to eat my wonderful cereal.  

With the typically more leisurely pace of the weekend (at least Sunday),  have for the same time frame been able to have the ultimate (to me) breakfast food:

 Old Fashioned Oatmeal  (usually also including ~1/2 All-Bran Buds and then also some raisins).  I usually drizzle a small amount of maple syrup or butter pecan syrup on top or sprinkle a half a teaspoon of brown sugar on top.  

+ + + + 

• 11 miles this morning (~16 km).  It is seeming to be my daily fate since I am FIRST into the building after the facilities operator opens the doors just ahead of 6:00am... and I am also the FIRST onto the track, hoofing away.  But, I seem stuck being able to only accomplish 11 miles in the amount of time I have before I MUST leave to get ready to go to the U.    If the place would open a half an hour earlier, it would give me just enough leeway to get the additional miles I would prefer done so I can feel a bit ahead during the week.  
• My wife has annoying work meetings that will keep her away until 9pm tonight.  It is also frustrating that our planned swimming has been cancelled due to the meetings.  I will go and swim alone.... but it is just not the same.... nowhere near as pleasant and fun.  With my wife being gone until so late, I was imagining my choosing to get soused on a few beers when I get home.  I unfortunately also know I won't really do that.... because I would  not be able to have a pipe with it, and at least to me, drinking of its own accord is rather superfluous UNLESS it is able to be accompanied with a pipe or two or three.... or four. 
• PCS = 7 - quieted back down a bit to a seven.  Still pretty damn strong, but easier to grapple with than the 8 was.  These higher scores feel awfully persistent, almost like a catepillar consistently munching through a leaf from stem to stern.  I sometimes wonder if the PCS never subsides, how long can I keep this up?   
  

+ + + + 

My stretching of my hamstrings has been continuing to visibly get better. I am glad I figured out what sort of stretch I could do successfully, because several suggested options felt damn near impossible for me to do.  

I took a bit of a creative "spin" during the weekend.  One of my sisters gave me a fairly hefty box of pears that she and her husband had picked from the rather large pear tree they have on the property of their up north, vacation home.  I was feeling a strong hankering for cake, and decided to experiment a little:

I made a "Pear Upside-Down Cake".   Basically, I looked for a general "Pineapple" Upside-Down Cake" recipe for the basic ingredient "ratios" and then heavily modified the ingredients (but kept most of the ratios) to make my experimental cake.  My cake had NO oil or butter (fat free), and the topping that glazed the pears was a mix of brown sugar, some cinnamon, a hefty amount of ginger, a small amount of powdered rosemary and some salt.  The cake batter was based off of a relatively standard yellow/white cake recipe that was part of the pineapple upside-down cake recipie,  but...  I also modified it by adding cardamon, ginger, some all-spice, and more than double the usual amount of baking powder to help "lighten" the batter.

I have to say it was a damn good cake!  All of my culinary experiments are at least edible.  However, a majority any are at least quite pleasant.  This cake.... though.... IMO one of the most delicious cakes I have experimentally made up a recipe for.

PipeTobacco   

Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds

 

I am feeling a lot more "2022" today than I was yesterday.  It was very interesting HOW pervasive my "old school" actions and activities shaped yesterday.  I believe it must have either been a very powerful dream I was in when I had awoken or perhaps it was a result of the particular STAGE of the sleep cycle that I awoke in yesterday that had my mind in a bit of a "reset" pattern where much of my subconscious thoughts and perceptions were akin to a much earlier time in my life (late 20s-early 30s).  Just a few other manifestations of this yesterday:

• As alluded to yesterday, the seemingly COUNTLESS times I absentmindedly reached for a pipe, just as a matter of day-to-day activity.  It was QUITE frustrating to experience the "jarring" realization each time that my "patterns" were not current for 2022.  EVERY TIME it jarred me.  So very odd a feeling.
• I had several instances yesterday where my mind drifted into thoughts of the various things I "needed" to do to care for my Mom as well.   Unfortunately, my Mom has of course passed away many, many years ago.  Yet, my mind kept rolling through circuits of thought about things I needed to do to care for her needs like I did for the many years after the passing of my Dad.  Thoughts of "upcoming" medical appointments, thoughts of making time to "pick up" prescriptions, having thoughts of arranging my schedule to do all sorts of the things I would just routinely do to help her out.  
• I also interestingly had similar thoughts that were temporally discordant about my Dad too.  And, even though he had past far earlier than my Mom, and the time frame was a bit different, those sorts of "plans to do" things for or with him also kept organically coming into my mind. 
• In one of my jaunts across campus, I "instinctively" started to take a path towards a building destination that I used to regularly use to a building that I, in my younger days.... ALWAYS was teaching in.  Yet, this building had long ago been remodeled for other purposes and no longer had any classrooms that I have taught in for damn near 15 years.
  
• It was so, so strange a feeling to have all those thoughts and others as well again as if they were the PRESENT TIME.  And, every time I would become aware of my "mistake" in what is current in the above.... it was like a punch to the gut.  So, so tiring.  

But, this morning, after a reset apparently from sleep last night, everything is all "2022" again.  It is far easier.... but in some ways it was NICE to experience those thoughts in that earlier time in a "live" fashion again and not only as memories... other than the jolt of regret when reality again permeated the situation.  

• Ran my last 11 miles (~16 km) for the week.  I hit my 55 mile (~89 km) weekly goal, so I can rest my feet for the weekend.  
• I have been focusing especially on trying to better stretch the muscles of the upper back of my leg (what people commonly call the "hamstrings" but consist of the adductor magnus, biceps femoris, semitendinosus and semimembranous muscles).  I started adding these stretches to my list of stretches to do after running, because late in the summer, I experienced a little bit of discomfort in my kneecap region that did not make any sense to me, as I had not experienced any injury that I could discern.  To try to troubleshoot I worked on measuring my "range of motion" parameters and I figured out that my leg with the tender kneecap had a bit lower range of post-impact motion than the other (non-sore) leg.  I then went through the various stretches I had been doing, and realized I had overlooked a bit, the "hamstrings".  When I searched around for suggested stretching exercises for the "hamstrings" and began to attempt them, I realized that they had been rather neglected all this time.... because initially those stretches were DAMN hard, and I could tell that these muscles were far too tight than what I would like.  After the first few days of these new stretches, the tenderness in  my knee completely dissipated, which was goal #1.  But, in the weeks since then, I have been able to see and feel a considerable improvement in that aspect of my range of motion too..... which is good.  My stretching routine had been pretty comprehensive before, I had thought.... but I am glad I realized what was missing when the tenderness arose.  I am feeling good about the additional limberness I now feel from these stretches.  

I can only imagine that when folks read my blog, that in some fashion they may get awfully damn confused.  I express my thoughts here, and admittedly, they are varied.... but I can also admit that some of my thoughts are awfully damn incongruent as well.  What I mean by this is that my thoughts do not necessarily fit a neat, logical path at times.  I mean.... I have to admit for an old guy, I am now somewhat athletic.  But at the same time for much of my youth and much of my adulthood, I used to NOT be so.  I also am a person who has a normal BMI and has kept said for a fair number of years.... but I used to be considerably obese.  I like to run…. and find physical, emotional, and even spiritual benefit in doing so, yet at the same time I am a (currently) non-smoking, pipe smoker who WANTS to smoke my pipes and pipe tobaccos pretty much every day.  I am a person who holds democratic... actually by-and-large...  rather very liberal... political values, but at the same time I lead what would be a rather conservative existence myself.  I am a staunch adherent to my Roman Catholic faith, but I am also a biologist, and Roman Catholics (or any faith construct) are rather scant in my profession.  I try to live in the moment, but as most here readily know, I ruminate a whole helluva lot.  When I try to look at myself from the "outside".... I see I am just a damn huge mass of incongruency.

• PCS - 8.... still VERY strong yearnings today.  I would easily, if left to my own whims, be indulging in a pipe at this very moment.  I have been trying to help myself by spending time recalling and mentally "remembering/revisiting" the delightful flavors, textures, and impacts of some of my favorite pipe tobaccos.  If I think hard enough about them, I can ALMOST get an ephemeral sense of those beautiful tastes and feelings again.  When I can rangle my mind to do so, it is helpful.  
• Today will be a day where I very diligently work and strive to get all manner of research and teaching efforts done, up, reviewed, and ready for next week.  I want to leave campus today with EVERYTHING done and set so I do not have to give a thought to the U all weekend long.  Hopefully this goal WILL NOT be only a "pipe dream"..... I would rather my "pipe dreams" be of the more beautiful leafy brown burley variety!

After I completed the rosary this morning while running, I began to think about the wonderful movie I have seen so many times called "The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Mood Marigolds".  It was an important film for me as it very long ago (it came out in the very early 1970s)  helped firm up (and shape) some of my own philosophies regarding the importance of psychology, social justice, and helped me better realize the unfortunate economic stratification of our society.  Even though I watched the film in the early 70s and several times since then, I have not seen the film in perhaps 20-25 years now.  I will have to see if perhaps I can locate it to view again.  The title always reminds me of a teaching lab I provide students where I have them examine and compare the effects of radiation exposure on seed development.  It is a good lab and helps students see the environmental impact and risks/dangers of nuclear power, and of course nuclear weapons.  The seeds I use are typically a variety of squash seeds. 

PipeTobacco 

A Complaining Mood

 

I guess I am in a bit of a complaining mood at the moment.  But, while in my MIND, I know that complaining will do  no damn good, I think perhaps by using my blog today as a site to allow myself to fuss and complain a bit, I may be able to more easily navigate the rest of my U day and it will help me in some fashion:

PCS = 8.... yeah, yeah, I know that is just a bit higher than yesterday.  But, for me it does feel more intense.  Perhaps I should envision my scale as logarithmic?  Hah.  Whatever..... it is a tough day for me regarding my pipes and pipe tobaccos.

• I do not remember much in regards to details of the dream I had.... but I do KNOW I had a dream last night.  I awoke jarringly from the dream, however, because I had an extremely full bladder, and awoke with the urgent need to relieve that condition.  
• During the process of relieving that condition, I, still mostly asleep, began to have thoughts, and the thoughts were nothing extraordinary, just common, everyday things..... but in my half-asleep state I didn't really realize my thoughts were thoughts and patterns common in my much younger self, perhaps late 20s or early 30s when I was a still wet-behind-the-ears, "eager-pup", young professor.
• I am (now later in the day) now assuming I must have been having some sort of early memories type dream when I was younger.  And I am assuming when the "bladder call" had awoken me, my mind awoke with that brain pattern for the day (since I did not go back to sleep).  

So, what the hell is wrong with that?  In some ways I find the "youthful perspective" to be a bit invigorating.  But, what has been rough is that on so, so many occasions today, even though it is still pretty early.... I have absentmindedly been reaching in my coat, my pocket, and now in my office.... to my pipe racks, to with nary a thought, to pick up a pipe.  Every time I do that, I then get a jolt of reality that reminds me of the "now" of 2022.... and my refraining.  And I feel a flush of disappointment:

• I am concentrating on some U task, and I reach into my sport coat pocket for a pipe, and it is not there...... then UGH.... I remember and feel a bit of "loss".  
• I again am focusing on some U task, and then I reach into my shirt pocket for a pipe, and it is not there..... then UGH... I remember and feel a bit of "loss".
• I get immersed in grading a paper, and grab a pipe off the rack on my desk.... then look for my tobacco pouch..... then UGH.... I remember, they are all put away in a drawer, and not really "there" for use.... and.... you guessed right.... I feel a bit of "loss".
• When I started to traipse back across campus after my morning lecture..... you get the pattern.... I was lost in thought, and reached for a pipe in my coat to smoke on the way back to my office.... then UGH.  (sigh)
  

Each "UGH" is akin to a metaphorical punch to the gut with the remembering of the present circumstance. And, I can only imagine more are likely to come today.  

• I guess I am just feeling pissy and disappointed that NOW is not like it was back then when things seemed so much brighter, so much more lively, so much more beautiful, and so much more "pipey" without any sort of worry, nor consternation, nor guardedness, nor internal debate.  It was just.... a fun-filled, exciting, thought-provoking, pipe-filled life where EVERYTHING felt WONDERFUL and INVIGORATING.
• My pipes were always a companion with me those days, with never even a thought.... it just WAS the pattern of life.  I miss that.

Damn.  What a whiny bunch of drivel I suppose the above is.  But, it is what I am feeling.  In my mind, I can see this is TRULY a stupid, 1st World problem of absolutely no consequence.  I am not so dense as to not realize that.  But, again, it IS how I am feeling.

Maybe this writing it out will get the feelings to dissipate.

++++++

I ran my now typical 11 miles (~16 km) this morning.  Yeah! (sarcasm)

PipeTobacco

Errata

 

Latin, for "error" is the title of this post.  The selection of this name shall become evident below:

• My SIL was released from the hospital last evening, and returned home.  She was very happy.  We all were.  EXCEPT, other than a few minor medication adjustments (mostly for her diabetes), not a whole helluva lot else was said or prescribed or done (according to my SIL & BIL).  
• This is frustrating as what my SIL NEEDS is a holisitic overview and PLAN for how to treat and how to commit to lifestyle adjustments that can have the potential to better regulate her myriad of conditions (diabetes, vision decline, kidney decline, congestive heart failure.... plus longer term challenges she has had with neuropathies, replacement knee joints that are wearing out, and mild depression/anxiety).  
• Health care in the US is atrocious in so many regards..... of course the damnable costs of said care is at the top (when nearly every other industrialized nation has NATIONAL HEALTH CARE FOR ALL), but the care that is provided is so damn piecemeal as well and there NEVER seems to be any sort of overview and overall plans for a whole helluva lot of folks on how to treat, manage, and potentially improve their health outcomes.  
• Some of the issue MAY be that because neither my SIL nor my BIL are science-focused people.... that they may not "hear" or "get" what the clinicians may be saying/suggesting.  But, hell, most folks in the world ARE NOT science-focused folks.  Clinicians need to do a helluva lot better job of instructing and guiding ALL patients and need to be able to bring knowledge to their patients at their LEVEL of understanding and with an emphasis on TEACHING patients how to help themselves.  
• With my science background, I know and understand the POSSIBILITIES of how each of my SIL's could be addressed and handled.  And, I COULD offer advice.  But.... I am not her clinician(s) and therefore am not privy to the precise details/tests/results that are specific to her conditions.... and therefore, I can only really talk about the broad range of POSSIBLE outcomes and POSSIBLE options on how to deal/cope/potentially improve her condition.  I do not have the needed information to legitimately construct a treatment plan.  
• I am trying to encourage my wife to see if my SIL will allow her to go with her to her "follow-up" visit with her primary care physician.... so my wife (who is science-focused) CAN ask the right questions, and CAN coax the clinician towards offering a holistic plan of action for my SIL.  We shall see if that happens.  

+ + + + + 

• Another 11 miles (~16 km) this morning.  Glad it is done for the day, although I wish I had had a bit  more time to get a few more miles in to be a bit ahead for the week.  But, I ran out of time and had to get to the U.
  
• In response to AC.... I believe the hospital may have had actual BEDS available.... I suspect the real issue was that they have closed a wing or two of the hospital due to the severe nurse shortages being faced by hospital across the nation.  So, I probably should have stated that she could not get a bed due to the staff shortages.  
• In response to Margaret.... I am not sure if the change in my "consistency focus and planning" with regards to the pipe is an indication of as you suggest a "realizing it is in the past" or more of a "just tired of TRYING to figure out a way" to "safely" engage with my pipes again in a more limited way I could "control".  To be honest, I am thinking my mindset is such right now that if I were to "fall off the wagon" so-to-speak, in my current mood.... I believe I would simply end up going back to unfettered indulgence. That is a bit why I am feeling some trepidation in my current mindset.  I do not seem to want to spend thee time to  "figure out" a way to potentially and occasionally indulge anymore.... but the desire to smoke my pipes DOES remain.. 
• PCS = 7.... a bit stronger than yesterday.  A gnawing desire is in the back of my mind.

PipeTobacco

Update

 

Happily, there has been a tremendous off-loading of fluids for my SIL due to the intravenous Lasix.  She is feeling much better, is breathing far better, and her heart is getting to rest some by not having to push so much fluid.  

Currently, however, there is no prognosis, nor a plan of action.  So, while the crisis has been averted.... the future remains quite nebulous, which keeps everyone's anxieties high.  

Not much else to report at the moment other than a few bullets:

• I meant to mention it yesterday, but as you can tell.... "bullets" have returned to blogger.  I am happy about that.... but am not really sure if they did disappear, or if somehow I had potentially triggered some setting accidentally that kept me from knowing where they were.  But, regardless, they seem to be back.
• As you can imagine, my wife is a bundle of nerves at the moment because of my SIL's illness.  
• As you likely can also imagine, my own nerves are pretty shot.  I am worried about my SIL.  But, I am ALSO very worried about how to convince my wife to take her own health more seriously.
• Apparently my MIL's memory is growing significantly worse.  Yesterday, she called another of my wife's siblings and was complaining very loudly and vocally about wanting to have my wife "take her home" and out of "this place" (the assisted living apartment).  The sibling called my wife right away, and my wife called my MIL within ~5 minutes of the complaining conversation to explain to my MIL that she needed to be there right now for her health and safety....... but when my MIL answered the phone, she had absolutely no recollection of having had a conversation with my wife's sibling.  
• Ran 11 miles (~16km) this morning.  I feel a bit in a rut in terms of distance.... but it is the most I can get in from when the indoor running track opens to when I have to leave for the U.  I have just felt rather uncomfortable running in the pitch black of night that we have now at this time of the year.... even with the headlamp I bought.... it unnerves me.  Not because of "ghosts" or "attackers" or any of that stuff..... it unnerves me because I am so very worried I may trip and fall because while the headlamp is helpful.... it still feels treacherous.  And, it has been awfully damn cold at 5:00am too..... ~35 F ( ~2 C) a lot of mornings.  
• PCS = 6.  The thoughts I am having of smoking my pipes are a very WELCOME respite from a lot of the harsh things happening.  
• I am not really sure where I am currently regarding my pipe smoking.  Even though it is a bit intangible, it seems as if "something" has changed in ME.  It is hard to describe.  For the last 4.5+ years, I have been consistent about refraining.... even though I had numerous plans.... in a controlled/managed way.... where I might at least sample the beautiful nectar of pipe tobacco again in some fashion.  Thus far, none of the plans successfully panned out.  But, the last several days.... it seems like my interest/willingness to "plan" or "figure out" a careful way to potentially sample my pipes again has dwindled to zero.  Do  not get me wrong... I still WANT to smoke my pipes and pipe tobaccos.  But, I am rather fed up with trying to figure out a way to do so.   I am not sure what that means for the long term.  But, I can say I am fed up with trying.  I do not know if this means I am a step closer to just fully giving up on the beauty of the briar.... or if I am a step closer to just plunging fully back in, and not giving a damn.

PipeTobacco

Hospitalization Woes

This weekend has unfortunately been difficult.  I have a lot of anger and a lot of fear as well from this past weekend.  Probably the best way to get through what I am hoping to write would be to use bullets:

• Even though Friday seemed a great deal better in terms of my gastrointestinal issues, I found that on Saturday morning, when I awoke, I had a return of some discomfort in my abdomen.  Fortunately, it was SIGNIFICANTLY more mild than it was on Thursday.
• When I mentioned the slight discomfort to my wife after she woke up Saturday morning (I was up a good hour or so earlier than she was.), she told me that SHE too had feelings of discomfort.  Even though I DO NOT want my wife to have feelings of discomfort in her abdomen..... when she told me she did.... I was OVERJOYED!!!!  That I experienced some mild discomfort after the very difficult time I had Thursday, I was worried my discomfort was potentially something far more serious than just constipation from cake.  But, with my WIFE having the same exact symptoms, it reassured me that at worst, perhaps I had gotten a GI "bug".  
• Sunday started up ok, with my wife and I working on making all sorts of food for the week in the kitchen.  Usually, we have a great time with the general cooking we often do on Sunday.  This time we started early at 7:00am.  A few highlights.... we made a dish of "Pecan Chicken" which was delicious.  It is baked, skinless chicken that is then covered with a soy sauce/brown sugar glaze and topped with crushed, roasted pecans. We also made some stuffed acorn squash, I made a batch of my Chickpea/Chard cold salad that I can have throughout the week.  We also prepared a lot of broccoli and cauliflower as well to make it easier in the week.  
• Unfortunately, though, then the really difficult stuff started to occur.  My wife's older sister (of course, she is also my SIL) called.  I had mentioned before that she was having some health issues.  But, I do not have enough time to try to sort back to see what I had written before, so I will just kind of summarize:

1. Unfortunately, she has diabetes (like my wife), and has had it for several years longer than my wife.  She has not really been very compliant with her taking care of this condition.  
2. She has been diagnosed (sometime in early Spring of this year) with some level of kidney disease.  I am not sure if an exact stage has been established, or if she is just uncomfortably trying to "sidestep" the issue (in other words, ignore it).  
3. Several days ago, but I think less than two weeks ago.... my SIL went to the doctor because she had displayed fairly chronic ankle and leg swelling for at least a month.  Unfortunately, at that point, the doctor diagnosed her as having CHF (congestive heart failure).  NOW.... even though CHF SOUNDS horrific.... and it IS quite bad.... it simply means a decline/weakening of the strength of the muscle of the heart.  It does NOT mean that the heart would STOP BEATING in the near future.  It means the heart will struggle to pump blood sufficiently, resulting in edema.... pooling of fluids. BUT, CHF can be treated, and CAN sometimes repair if the underlying cause is something other than heart damage.  
4. She was given Lasix (a diuretic) and told to monitor herself during the next several days.  
5. On Thursday of last week my wife was visiting her and there was really no change in her edema, so my wife encouraged her to call the clinician, who had my SIL increase the dosage of Lasix she was taking.  
6. Even though we did not hear from my SIL until mid afternoon on Sunday, apparently starting in the middle of the night Saturday and continuing until she called us, she began to become MORE edemic (even noticeable in her neck), and was becoming VERY short of breath.  When she called us, she was nearly gasping for air.  
7. We told her she needed to go to the emergency room.  But, she did not want to go.  So we convinced her to at least call her doctor's 24 hour service line so that the doctor could call her back to advice her.  
8. Fortunately, the service relayed the call to her doctor, and the doctor called my SIL back within ~15 minutes, telling her she needed to get to the hospital (like my wife and I said).  
9. So, my wife rushed to the hospital to meet her sister (and her husband).  I went for a while too, but due to bed shortages, they did not have a room for my SIL, and she was stuck in the emergency room where the spaces are truly too tiny for more than one (maybe two) visitors.  I ended up going back home because I was thinking it was too crowded and that my wife and my SIL's husband (BIL) were the most important people to stay for support.  
10. My wife came home at ~10 pm, my SIL was still stuck in the ER.
11. My SIL eventually received intravenous Lasix and is much less edemic at the moment.... which is wonderful news.  She also finally was moved into a room ~1pm today, so that too, is good.  My wife has been there twice so far, in-between work commitments she has.   We still have no idea of future treatment plans or goals or prognoses.  I really do not know what to expect the ultimate diagnoses will be.  From a theoretical perspective of the physiological manifestation of diabetes/kidney disease/CHF there are a few potentially POSITIVE outcomes, couple of marginally average outcomes, and and also a whole array of many potentially very NEGATIVE outcomes. I am praying for us to be provided a positive prognosis and outcome.   

• I, am also more worried and stressed and upset than ever about my wife's own non-compliance.  I fear that she is headed down the exact same path and is simply lagging by a few years because she IS younger.  But, when I compare where my SIL was at when she was my wife's age..... conditions are damn near identical.  It has me scared, and worried about the future.  Add my MIL’s dementia into that mix, and I cannot express how much worry I feel.  
• I actually get very angry inside, because my wife does not seem to even want to try, even though she knows what she needs to do.  It hurts.  I really do not know what else to say.  It adds a huge amount of stress to me.  And, it sometimes leads to us having a disagreement too.  
  
• Ran 11 miles (~16 km) this morning.  Needed to tire myself out from the stress and worry.
• PCS = 6.  Feeling generally hungry for the flavor and pleasant potency of my pipes.  I have a trip where I have to fly to Chicago in December. It has me thinking. 

PipeTobacco

More Unseemly Discussion

 

Again, for those who are a bit skittish/squeamish about such things, you may prefer to ignore today's entry as it does involve a discussion of topics relating to the digestive system's release of indigestible materials:

Yesterday, after I took the laxative,  I found that perhaps an hour later, the pain had TEMPORARILY subsided. I was SO VERY, VERY HUNGRY that I decided to gingerly eat a single banana before heading to lecture.... hoping it would help me.  

Walking across campus to my class, the pain RETURNED and was quite significant.  I cursed myself under my breath for having eaten the damn banana.  In the three hours of lecture I was scheduled to give, the waves of pain were significant and drove me to distraction.  I probably sat for about an hour total of the three hours of lecture. I damn well NEVER sit while lecturing in normal circumstances, as I am always moving around, writing on the board, moving histological slides around, advancing PowerPoint slides and just roaming around the students as I weave my academic tales.  But.... yesterday, when an especially pointed pain would erupt, I gingerly sat at the lectern in a chair and did my best to regale about gametogenesis with as much enthusiasm as I could muster (not a whole helluva lot, truth be told even though normally the topic is very exciting), while trying to "grit my teeth" through the damn wave of intense pain.  When the sharp pain subsided a bit, I again got up and tried to do my normal moseying about until the next sharp wave hit.  

After class, I walked back to my office and sat.  I was utterly exhausted.  I was utterly drained of any energy.  But, I was ALSO still DAMN HUNGRY.  Part of me wanted to just say to hell with it and try to get to my vehicle and drive home for the day.... but I also knew I had a scheduled late afternoon meeting that I should stick around for.  

I decided to try to keep going so I could probably wait it out for the couple of hours till that damn meeting.  But, I turned off the lights in my office (so the transom window above the door would appear dark), pulled down the blinds on the window to the outdoors, and put a lab coat at the base of the door, so it would appear my office was dark (empty).  I was not in the mood to have any visitors because I did feel like hell.  I wanted people to believe I had left for the day.  The lab coat along the floor was to keep stray light from showing under the door from my computer.  I had decided that I would at least try to do some damn work on the computer while waiting. 

Since I was so damn hungry, I told myself "to hell with it" and while working on the computer began to eat my normal food I had brought with me.  I devoured it in probably ~ 25 minutes. 

All afternoon.... alternating patterns of a) general, diffuse gastrointestinal discomfort, followed by b) sharper, more pronounced waves of pain, and c) brief periods of no pain.  And it rotated from a - c several different times across the afternoon.  

Even though it is perhaps even more unseemly to discuss gastrointestinal "gas" (aka flatulence), I have briefly mention that during the whole morning and into the late afternoon, I had nary even a molecule of gastrointestinal gas that I released.... and this was beginning to worry me.   

To shorten this a bit..... I eventually walked across campus again to the late afternoon meeting..... did the damn meeting dance that is always required.... then traipsed back across campus to my trusty steed.... and headed home.  I was so, so, so very exhausted.  My lower legs (below the knee) ached, like as if I had ran WAY beyond my usual mileage, whereas the upper portion of my legs felt fine.  That was very weird and worried me too.  

I got home, and strangely, I really wanted to drink a beer or two.... but we had none around, as I hardly ever buy any except when we are having guests over (no fun to drink alone, and my wife is a tee-totaler).  So, I went and collapsed on the bed and almost instantly fell asleep for an hour or so. My wife knew about my situation and I had told her on the phone I was going to sleep for a while. 

While I was sleeping, my wife came home and took ~15 minutes to put the finishing touches on dinner.  She then called up to me that things were ready.  Resting felt awfully damn good.... no waves of pain.... I felt more relaxed than I had all day.  But, when I got up.... the pain started to return, AND I actually felt mildly dizzy as I walked to the bathroom. 

We ate dinner together.  I told my wife I "felt hot" and she took my temperature.  Fortunately, it was in the normal range (higher than my usual normal, but still normal).  I had a few, minuscule bits of intestinal gas release while we watched television for the next hour or so.  

+ + + 

Note:  Especially graphic segment.... avoid if squeamish:

The pain would alternate much of the evening.  Finally, I had enough and told my wife I was going back to bed.  I wobbled up onto my feet and took the dog out to do her business.  When I came back in, I actually felt a little bit of an "urge" to relieve my gastrointestinal tract as well.  

Even though it is not something I regularly discuss.... my wife can unfortunately attest to the truth of this statement.  NORMALLY.... my "releases" are ENORMOUSLY LARGE.  Normally, I will have "releases" that plug home toilets almost every time.  I even regularly will often plug "professional level, high flow-through, rapid velocity" toilets like are used at the U and in many commercial facilities. I have been this way since I was in my late teen-aged years, and presume it is something of a genetic predisposition as my father was similar.  Even though you may not think you needed this information, it is pertinent to the next part of the story:

So, I come back in from taking the dog out with a bit of an "urge".  So I sit on the toilet.  Normally, my time on the toilet is very short.  It usually takes very little effort to expel.  But, not last night.  I tried and struggled for perhaps at least 5, perhaps 10 minutes.... and fortunately had a TINY bit of relief..... I released 5 "tater-tot" sized items..... that FELT like they were made of the roughest, most jagged concrete known to mankind.  

While I was glad about this, I also realized the volume was truly miniscule compared to my normal and did not signify the situation was over.  

I was so exhausted, that after I walked upstairs, I was asleep within a minute or less.

+  +  +

This morning, I got up and felt much less tired.... still somewhat tired, but a helluva lot better than the day before.  I forced myself to run 11 miles (~16 km) I did not want to run at all, but I did so with the idea I could finish out my weekly goal.  I did feel a few bits of nausea during running.  

Then I went to the U to get back to work.  As I drank my coffee ~10am.... I suddenly had the "urge".

I had a normal sized (huge) and normally textured movement.  It was a tremendous relief.

Around noon..... I again had the "urge"

I had ANOTHER normal sized (huge) and normally textured movement.  I felt pounds lighter.

And, around 2:30pm.... I again had the "urge"

I had a THIRD normal (huge) sized and normally textured movement.  I could NOT believe it.  I could not believe that much literal "crap" could be held in my bowels at one time.  

As of this writing, I cannot say if another urge will hit.... I cannot imagine there is anything left to expel.  But, I do know I feel much more "normal" albeit a bit tired.  

So, all seems well.  I sure as hell hope it continues on this trajectory. 

+ + + + + + + + + + 

PCS - 5.... the thoughts and the beauty of my pipes helped me enormously while I was in pain yesterday.  Even though I really had no desire to smoke my pipes.  The thoughts of the wonderful memories helped to distract me many times during the sharper bouts of pain.  Today it feels WONDERFUL to have an average level interest again in actually smoking one of my pipes.  I have been sniffing the wonderful aroma of the leaf in the pouch of one of the aromatic blends I have a stock of in my U office that I used to regularly indulge in because I liked the leaf's potency and others around liked the very pleasant aromatic aroma.  

PipeTobacco  

 

Gut

Not necessarily the most pleasant post I will ever write, so you may choose to come back next time if you are a squeamish sort:

My "gut" aches.  More specifically, my abdominal region in and around my umbilicus (belly button).  I feel bloated and distended.  I know it is because I need to have a bowel movement.  But.... one is not forthcoming.  In other words, I am considerably constipated.  

I ran 11 miles this morning (~16 km) thinking that would likely "jostle" things into moving again.  Unfortunately, the run proved ineffective.... and it was unpleasant to boot because of the discomfort.  

I have now taken a laxative, hoping that this medication will help to "move things along".  We shall see.  I am not sure about the ultimate cause of my malaise.  However, I am suspicious that a potential culprit *MAY* be the rather large piece of birthday cake I consumed two days ago with regard to my wife's birthday.  I am not sure if this is the reason, but it is the only atypical food I have eaten in the last several days.  

My theory is that perhaps because my routine diet is of foods that are very high fiber and very low fat content.... that perhaps this (delicious) piece of cake "shocked" my intestines because of the high fat content and low fiber content.   It may be a bit of a far-fetched idea, as physiologically I believe a significant dietary change of the above sort would MORE LIKELY cause an INCREASE in fecal motility and a significant "loosening" of the fecal matter when the body is not used to it.  But, who the hell knows?  I am theorizing that the "shock" to my gut has perhaps encouraged my intestines to "hold onto" the high fat cake bolus quite strenuously to that it can work to absorb as much of the fat as possible before letting it continue on its journey.... since my gut does not often experience such a high fat "treat".  

The pain is more than moderate.  It is disconcerting.  I had similar pain and discomfort one other time, so many decades ago when I was an undergraduate in college, where one time I felt so famished that I (foolishly) went to a nearby fast food restaurant (that has "golden arches) and stupidly bought and consumed THREE "Big Macs" and THREE "Large Fries" in about the span of 40 minutes. I was in similar pain to what I have now.... the NEXT DAY after consuming the plethora of hamburgers and fries.  I was not a runner then, so my attempt to help move things along was to roll around on the floor to try to "loosen" things.  Again, it did not work, and I took a laxative.  But.... before the laxative had a chance to take effect, I ended up spontaneously disgorging (vomiting) up the entire contents of this unfortunate meal.  I abhor vomiting, but in that situation, it ended up being a blessing for that to have spontaneously occurred.... as I felt immediately better.  

As I am the U now and trying to maintain a normal day of lecture and lab, I sincerely hope I do not spontaneously disgorge today.   It would be extremely embarrassing.  

PCS = 0 - the discomfort is pretty much all I can focus on. Though, I have been TRYING to distract myself (to limited success) by trying to daydream about pipes.   

PipeTobacco  

Helter Skelter

 

The term "Helter Skelter" has three known meanings for me:

1.  Mostly I associate the term with Charles Manson and his followers who committed murder in the late 1960s where they referenced the Beatles song by that name as some sort of "inspiration" for their horrible deeds. In this case the term is used as a noun.

2.  But, the truer, original meaning I also learned from the Beatles, where in an interview with Paul McCartney, he talked about how "Helter Skelter" as HE meant it in the song, was some sort of British euphemism for a ride that was some sort of tall winding slide associated with a pole or a tower at an amusement park or fair.   Also, in this case, the term is used as a noun.

3.  The third meaning is how I most often USE the word when I speak, although when I HEAR the word spoken by someone else, I actually immediately think of definitions 1 & 2 above.  This third meaning is using the term like an adjective or an adverb where things are disordered and chaotic.  

My life is unfortunately in "helter-skelter" at the moment.  Things have been all out of sorts for the last few days.  My wife has been grumpy.  I have been grumpy.  Kids have been grumpy from afar and from "a-near" as well.  Work has given me several things to also be grumpy about.  

My wife is not taking some of her health goals seriously, and this alarms me and gives me quite a bit of anxiety.  I worry because I see a trajectory that may easily occur by looking at the health profiles of her older sister and my MIL. 

 

* * * * * 

I do not know what the hell is going on with "Blogger Bullets" but they do not currently work like they did.  So, I am using a "+" instead:

 

+ I ran 11 miles this morning (~16 km.)

 

+ Lots of rodents to measure this week (lots of new pups).

 

+ PCS - 8.   It exhausts me to be at an "8" because it is at a point where it takes significant amounts of physical energy to keep diligent in refraining from my pipes.  "8" - "10" (of course) are the most difficult PCS numbers, so that makes sense.  

 

PipeTobacco