Iwan Ries

 

My friend who posts as "Unknown" mentioned the wonderful tobacco shop Iwan Ries in the comments section.  I cannot believe that I did not remember Iwan Ries was in Chicago.  I have been to the shop during a few different Chicago trips (I have not been to Chicago in quite a while now, but back in the late 1970s, 1980s and early 1990s quite a few scientific meetings I attended were in Chicago).  

The best I can guess is that back in the 1980s, as there were pleasant pipe shops in damn near every city, even small towns often had fun shops that the "special-ness" of Iwan Ries did not really register with me as especially noteworthy because pipe shops still proliferated the landscape, and especially during those earlier meetings, I tended to be fairly "focused" on "all things science" at the time and I did not focus as heavily on the city adventures that I do now when I go to a science conference. I would typically spend the lion's share of my time in the Convention Center and its "sciency" goings-ons with only limited forays out-and-about.  And, because I was a helluva lot younger then, perhaps the age, and the gravitas of this pipe shop did not particularly register in my less mature mind and instead I simply viewed it as a great place to get some pipe tobacco during my stay in the city.  

I looked up the shop and it IS still in business AND it has a lounge that allows pipe smoking.  There is a $15 fee to be a "member" of the lounge for a day, but that is acceptable I suppose.  Interestingly, it has a BYOB policy, so a you can bring alcohol of your choice to consume in the lounge as well.  Visiting the lounge does sound very, very pleasant to me! 

Now... several factors to consider:

1.  Will I have actual TIME to visit the lounge during this rather unfortunately short trip?  I am hopeful.  I also would like to visit the Hemingway Home Museum in Oak Park.  Ultimately, I would like to visit both places.  Yet...  I also (to an extent, regrettably) have to do considerable WORK on this trip as it is not really a science conference that I can pick-and-choose where and when to be at things. Instead it is a science education task force/workshop where my time is far more prescribed for me.

2.  The idea of going to the lounge, perhaps having a generous three fingers of scotch, or perhaps instead having a few IPAs... and after a spell where the libations are allowed to work through my visage.....  then I could slowly and patiently..... deeply draw a golden flame into a bowlful of my most potent, deep, dark and robust, heavy-textured burley leaf.  This seems so utterly beautiful a way to spend an afternoon or evening.  It almost feels surreal and rather hedonistic to even imagine the experience.

3.   In the above scenario, almost every "box" affording me to give this a go is checked.  It is an isolated location... not allowing me to repeat the experience daily which might be my inclination after the experience. It will be regulated as I am only in Chicago a few days.  It is a special occasion (travel has always counted to me as a special occasion).  All of these things are ideal situations that I believe/hope can help me to find a comfortable way to have what I hope to have available to me.... an infrequent, occasional pipe smoking experience. 

4.  But then... my fear, my worry... is that if I do get that taste and flavors again of the lovely pipe tobacco leaf upon my tongue... if I do get the beautiful pleasing tingling sensation again in my nasal cavity from the thick, chalky, murky and textural smoke... if I do get the gentle quieting of my mind, if I do get the beautiful coloration of my thoughts, if I do experience the nearly impossible to describe jubilant contentedness again... WILL I be strong enough to go back to this fast?  And, if I muster up that strength, will I have simply given myself a ticket to have things again feel just as damn grueling and just as agonizing as when I first set my pipes down?  Or, will I not even be able to muster up the willpower to try to refrain and just fall completely back into my prior indulgence?  

To be frank, if I were to have to experience again the level of frustration and the sense of loss again like it was during the first several weeks when I first laid down my pipes.... I am not sure that smoking at the smoking lounge at Iwan Ries would be a good idea for me.  I know that I currently pine away for my pipes and pipe tobaccos to this day.  And, I suspect that will always be.  But... the sheer intensity of that loss, emotionally and physically during those first few weeks when I first laid my pipe down..... I never really want to experience that again.  But, perhaps I have successfully "rewired" myself like I hope, and that I CAN just taste and experience that joy of the pipe now, and then comfortably set it aside until some distant, future "special event" happens and I can experience its joy again.... and the "in-between" times are simply comfortable... or at least no worse than now.   

I wish I had more confidence in how I would react, in how I would feel after indulging again.  I just simply do not know. Not knowing scares me a bit.

• Ran my usual 11 miles (~18 km).  Loops on the track are rather boring.  I should attempt to fix my damn treadmill.  But, I believe I need a new motor.  
• PCS = 7... still a significant yearning.  Still very easy to lose track of what I should be focused on and instead drifting off into pipe smoking memories.
   

PipeTobacco

Where Have All the...

 

While Pete Seeger wrote and is famous for the song "Where Have All the Flowers Gone", and numerous folks have recorded this song.... for ME... the version of the song that speaks the most to me is the album version by Peter, Paul, & Mary:

"Where Have All the Flowers Gone" from the original recording in the 1960s of Peter, Paul, & Mary. 

The above song came into my head while I was thinking about white grapefruit.  I believe I have mentioned this before... but I absolutely find grapefruit to be my favorite fruit out of the huge array of fruit I eat (blueberries are a VERY close second). But, in my area, it has been AT LEAST five years since we have had any white grapefruit for sale at any of the markets.  We do receive plenty of red grapefruits (and I eat tons of them), but if push came to shove.... I would rather eat a white grapefruit (technically it appears yellow, but is called a white grapefruit) over red grapefruit any day.  

I have not been able to figure out why we no longer have white grapefruit shipped to our region, but I do miss it.  White grapefruit has an extremely pleasant, slightly more aggressive "bite" to it than the typical red grapefruit.  And, I relish that bite! 

* * * * *

So.... in my mind, I was thinking about grapefruit and thinking to myself, "Where have all the....." and initially I was planning to think, "...white grapefruit gone?" but as is so, so, frequent for me, I instead thought of the Seeger song.  

I do not know if other folks do this sort of autonomic association.....and I would like to know if others do.  But.... I can say my mind so very frequently takes even the smallest snippet of spoken dialogue and associates it with lyrics in a song.  This occurs much to the CHAGRIN of my wife at times.  She and I can be talking and she will say something and it unintentionally in some fashion mimics a song I know.  

I tend to be fairly knowledgeable of most popular lyrical music from roughly ~1940s through perhaps the mid 1990s (after the mid-90s it is truly piecemeal for me in terms of knowledge of lyrics)..... although I can admit my working knowledge of the 80s and mid 90s may be a bit more limited.  I, of course, have the deepest knowledge of music from the 1960s and into the mid 1970s.  And, on top of that I know well most popular Catholic liturgical music as well..... so A LOT OF PHRASES do start songs rumbling in my mind.  This occurs probably at a MINIMUM of at least a dozen times a day.  So, I am often humming to myself (or singing to my wife in my gruff, yet sentimental voice (as my voice has been described to me by my wife)) the various songs that pop into my head.... all day long.

• Again, 11 miles this morning (~18 km).  A person who was walking at the indoor track asked me out of curiosity how much I run a week, because he has been seeing me every day.  When I told him I try to reach 55 miles a week, he shook his head.  I am not sure if he thought I was a damn fool for running that much, or if he was impressed.  He wore dark glasses so I could not read his facial expression well.  
• PCS = 7.... I am carrying a pouch of one of my aromatic blends of pipe tobacco in the pocket of my sport coat today.  The cravings have been so constant of late that I thought perhaps being able to sniff from the pouch across the day would perhaps help quell some of the intensity of my cravings.  I unzipped my tobacco pouch and took a deep inhale of the pouch's tobacco and its ephemeral beauty just before starting my early lecture this morning.  It seemed to reduce a little (a very tiny skosh... using a rather currently trendy word), the intensity of the cravings.    
• I am hoping my book (mentioned yesterday) arrives today.  I cannot wait.   
• I am needing to take a brief plane trip to Chicago later this week.  It will only be for a couple of days.  I have been thinking about seeing if I can visit the Hemingway Museum in the outskirts of Oak Park.  And, I have also been thinking about looking for a REAL tobacconist in Chicago.  I am not sure what is there anymore, and have not yet decided to explore the options.  But, I have been thinking about it.  There has to be at least one REAL tobacco shop that isn't filled with mostly vaping crap or filled with the stuff we used to see only for sale in clandestine back rooms of record stores......aka "head shops".   I am considering bringing a pipe with me to Chicago, at least for use as a "pacifier" of sorts.  But.... MAYBE there is an opportunity here.

 PipeTobacco

Novel Outline

 

I have had over the course of several decades, had a variety of "ideas" for novels I would imagine myself writing.  I actually have an old notebook where I have many of these different ideas written down.  Some of my ideas are for "science fiction" genera works, some are for "dystopian fiction/science fiction" works, a few "youth science fiction" ideas, a few "detective fiction" ideas and I even have a few ideas for "romance fiction" in this old notebook.  

Because novels are longer pieces of fiction writing, I have always felt rather stymied at the thought of the "organizational" aspects of trying to write a novel.  I do like writing, and I have written a fair number of (non-published) short stories when I was a much, much younger professor.... simply because it was fun and a pleasant way to write that was very different from my daily non-fiction writing I do as a scientist.  My writing of short stories way back then faded away as family needs became more pressing concerns for me (a great deal of it was related to helping various relatives as they aged, and then of course my father's health went into decline, then other relatives, and so on). 

Just a brief aside when I look back at the last sentence or two, I "realize" more fully just by thinking it through in a linear fashion, that I have been a "caregiver" for most of the entirety of my adult life.  While I knew this at some basic, visceral level.... stating it like I did in the above has made me more cognizant of  how MUCH of my time has been (and still is) related to me giving care and support to others, especially those in my family (both immediate of course, but also quite extended family as well).   I think perhaps I should think about this a bit more when I have some time.... because it SEEMS bigger than I even typically recall.  

But, back to writing.  I really WOULD like to take a REAL stab at writing at least ONE novel-length bit of writing.  And, I think I have found a tool (a book, more accurately) that I am (crossing my fingers) will help me.  As all of you know, I can yammer on about things quite easily.  So, writing is  not a problem.  I also enjoy words, so I have a reasonably sufficient vocabulary to write with.  I have also been TOLD that I can and do (at least verbally) tell "interesting" stories. 

All of this leads to the point of this essay... I have found a book that purports to guide an aspiring novelist through the process of outlining the structure of a novel in such a way that you would create a legitimate "framework" upon which then you (the writer) can then focus on the creative story-telling aspect of the writing.... by gently working through the framework created.  

To me, IF the book I shall receive does guide me successfully to construct a workable framework for one of my ideas.... it could be magical for me.  The few times I have tried to start a novel in the past have always petered out after a few days because, I would lose confidence on where I should "go" at any given time in my story.... usually seeing too many alternative pathways, and the over abundance of paths would cause me to stall like a truck that ran out of gas.  But, if this book guides me in what becomes a logical path for the novel to follow..... who knows?!?!  

• Running - the usual number..... 11 miles (~18km) this morning.  I was not really "into" running this morning.  It felt like a chore today.  I would rather have stayed in bed, and slept until noon.  Part of the challenge was likely having stayed up rather late (for me anyhow) last night.... I read in bed until close to 1:30am... and then my wife came to bed as well.  And, perhaps due to the relaxing and pleasant Thanksgiving weekend, we both were feeling rather awake and also rather amorous.  So, technically, neither she nor I likely fell asleep before ~2:30 - 3:00am.  That also likely contributed to my lack of enthusiasm to clomp out of bed at 5:15am to get to the track to hoof around for 11 miles.  
• PCS = 8...   Maybe it is the Winter?  Though technically Fall, in my neck of the woods Fall is rather brief and we have already had a fair amount of snow (a brief warming trend melted it, thankfully.... but very temporarily). I have gotten lost in thought about my pipes and pipe tobaccos with tremendous frequency the last several days.  I was watching a movie with my wife, and part way through the damn thing, I realized I had drifted off into my own "world" where I was remembering and imagining me very heartily smoking my pipes and could not recall much of any of the plot of the movie.  While at my wife's brother's house (my BIL) on Thanksgiving, while the great masses were hooting and hollering about the (American) football game that splayed across the gigantic, wall  mounted television he and his wife have..... and all eyes of the masses were transfixed and upon the "exciting action" I was pretending to watch the television, but my mind was back in my memories, reliving old times, and the memorable tastes, textures, aromas and flavors of pipes gone past.  And, with chagrin I even admit to drifting into a beautiful pipe dream during the Homily at Sunday Mass.  I am ashamed to realize I do not remember anything about what our priest spoke about in his Homily.  Although not an appropriate substitute, I will strive to listen especially intently to the Capuchin Monestary Mass for this past Sunday when finally available during my run tomorrow. 

PipeTobacco   

Church Mouse

 

 

I am looking forward to the Thanksgiving Holiday in many ways, but especially in terms of not having to be the "big voiced" professor.  I could happily spend the days of this holiday nearly as quiet as a church mouse.  I am also thinking that at least on Thursday, that I may give myself the luxury of sleeping in until 7:30.  

Sleeping in until 7:30 means I can turn off the alarm light!  My wife only grudgingly admits my idea of an "alarm light" is helpful.... but it truly is.  Like a lot of folks who have to roust out of bed in the dark of the night (where I live, it is pitch black at 4:45am this time of year), it is awfully damn difficult to force yourself out of bed when it is dark and cold.  And, even if you do force yourself to get up, you often feel sleepy and lethargic for a considerable time. 

So... a couple of years ago, I tried to systematically figure out a way to make it easier to get out of bed in the morning.  This is where my "alarm light" idea came into effect.  Since I tend to get up between 4:45 and perhaps at the latest 5:30 these days, so I can get my run in at the indoor track.... I have a large floor lamp in our bedroom with a 100 W (well, technically it is a 13 W LED that is equivalent to an old incandescent 100W) light that is on a timer to turn on at 4:00am.  The light intensity it gives when it goes on at 4:00am is not too different from the light of the early morning sunrise (although not as pretty).  Enough of that light will penetrate through my eyelids (in my sleeping state) to stimulate my pineal gland to regulate my sleep/wake cycle into thinking it is daybreak.  It is far, far easier to get up when my auditory alarm starts clanging at 4:45am because the alarm light has acclimated me to thinking it is sunrise.  

• Ran 11 miles (~18km) as per usual.  
• PCS - back down to a "7".  Still VERY strong.  I really have to think hard.... there MUST be some way where I could a) have an occasional pipe indulgence (say, once a week), b) STICK with that plan and not "fall off the wagon" back into untethered indulgence, and c) do so in a way that does not require enormous willpower, energy, and stamina to maintain this limited (low) pattern.    There MUST be some way to do this.... but I am still at a loss on how to succeed with regards to b & c together..... I can use a damn lot of energy to maintain the willpower or I can have lower stamina and a higher probability of "falling off the wagon".  But, if I CAN master b and c simultaneously, I should be able to blissfully indulge in the sheer, unfettered joy obtained with pipe smoking. 
  
• I am going to do every bit of pleading I can muster this afternoon.... hoping I can convince my wife that we should go swimming.  I hope she responds affirmatively.
• Today and tomorrow it is supposed to be above freezing during the afternoon and may even potentially be rather "balmy" by hitting 41 degrees (~5C).  I had foolishly forgotten to put in the orange driveway markers before we had our first significant snowfall ~10 days ago.  These markers are very helpful when snow is heavy for it marks the outline of the driveway and sidewalks for me when I am shoveling and plowing snow.  AND, it is also very helpful in "guiding" some folks (cough.... my wife.... cough... and two of my kids) to actually stay within the driveway boundaries when they are backing out instead of getting their vehicle stuck in the snow (as has happened QUITE often over the years prior my using driveway markers).   With the relative "warmth" the snow may actually melt giving me an opportunity to fix this mistake.... and also fix my other mistake of not getting the patio furniture covered for winter protection.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that the snow will begin to melt (some will probably slide) off of the furniture due to the warmth we may have this afternoon.  Depending on the status, I may start to organize it for coverage by their canvas covers and get the big blue plastic tarp to wrap the bundle of furniture like a "present" for Winter. 

PipeTobacco 

Upcoming Birthday

 

 

This Thanksgiving (Thursday the 24th) will be my Dad's Birthday.  If he were alive on that day, it would be his 99th birthday.  I have been thinking about him a lot, especially this past weekend.  I wish I would have had more time with him here on Earth.  I learned so much from him.  And, I had such great times with him.  Later in life, I always especially enjoyed eating Coney Dogs with him, drinking root beer, and enjoying pipes.  While the love and the bond are still there with him as he is with my Mom in heaven.... I still feel the loss of not having him here on Earth.  

• My usual 11 miles of running this morning (~18km).  I have to try to figure a way to fit more miles in somehow this week.  The track is closed on Thursday and Friday for Thanksgiving, and so... I am going to be struggling to get in my whole 55 miles (~89km) this week.  I will need to do some doubling up somehow.... or fail at maintaining my goal.  I really do not want to do that, though.  I have to find and order a replacement motor for my damnable treadmill.  That would give me options (if I can replace the damn motor).  
• PCS - 8 today.  I had a vivid dream last evening and it was of me smoking my pipe and ice fishing.  I had not gone ice fishing in probably a decade now, but in the dream, I was sitting out on an old, orange "Home Depot" bucket, hunkering down over a hole in the lake, with my equipment hoping to snag a fish.  I was smoking one of my "big bowled" pipes filled 3/4 with beautiful, cube-cut Sir Walter Raleigh, topped on the upper 1/4 with a pipe store aromatic house blend.  It was extremely tasty and I liked holding the bowl of the pipe in my hands as a sort of "hand-warmer".  In the dream, oddly, I could see myself as well, and I could see icy crystals form on my mustache as I would exhale warm, moist air from my nostrils.  The alarm woke me up before I caught a fish, though, as it's clanging started at my usual 4:50am.  

The image above is not me, but it is similar to how I used to dress when ice fishing.

 

PipeTobacco

Analysis

 

I am trying to force myself into a better mood.  It is not an easy feat at times.  I still feel an onslaught of chaos much of the time because it seems like I am FAR, FAR too busy and do not get much, if ANY "down" time in a given day anymore.  I get up and it is dark.  I get home after dark.  It feels like there are a never ending stream of things I must do and are being asked of me.  I am emotionally drained and physically tired.  I just.... feel as if I am living a robotic life.... just (barely) accomplishing the needed tasks on a given day before I collapse in a heap for a scant few minutes prior to bed before I do the same damn thing the next day.

Yet... at the same time, when I look back on how things were 20-25 years ago.... I am doing the same basic things day-to-day (other than running daily and not pipe smoking (sigh)).  But, it is as if DOING the normal day-to-day work THINGS seems to take a helluva lot longer than it used to.  

But, I really, very truthfully DO NOT think it is because I am slower, nor am I more feeble-minded in my old age.  That may be a logical thought, and I worried about this quite a bit when I started to feel this way (overburdened with limited free time).  But I sincerely do not think I have lost abilities in these ways.  

What I am thinking may be the culprit though, after comparing now to long ago is that the things I DO at work each individually usurp MORE TIME than they used to:

1.  Teaching.... I used to just be able to run to the classroom with chalk in hand, and yammer on at will about the topics I wanted the students to learn.  When inspired, I would have a few transparencies I could project onto a projector screen in the room.  And, when done, I could walk back to my office.  Today.... especially SINCE Covid forced an adoption of all sorts of electronica.... I now have to a) prepare an electronic classroom and fuss around with that, changing dates, adapting electronic assignments, etc., b) I have to have (and adapt and adjust) elaborate PowerPoint slide shows for all my lectures, and since Covid, I have included guided notes for these PowerPoint slide shows which need finessing regularly, and c) I still need to go to the classroom with chalk dry erase markers in hand, and yammer on at will about the topics I want students to learn.

2.  Research.... I used to just be able to run my experiments and teach students how to conduct research, and write grants back in the old days.  Now, there is enormous bureaucracy of university regulatory committees, state committees, and national committees that LAYER on MULTIPLE LAYERS of b*llsh*t paperwork related to having researchers justify every damn thing they do or plan to do in research.  The political hands want to control and regulate and "approve" every step of the process so as to cover their *ss*s because of the litigious nature of our society, so they just pile more and more NON-SCIENTIFIC useless paperwork requirements on us scientists and it impinges drastically on how much science can get done and doubles and triples our workload without any real scientific value. 

3.  Committee Work.... back in the old days, committee meetings seemed to be a helluva lot more focused and most folks, even when disagreements and arguments would inevitably arise.... wanted to work quickly and efficiently to get things done.  These days, most committee meetings consist of useless yammering, schmoozing (if beneficial to someone trying to move up the ladder), and political grand-standing.... with damn little if any work being accomplished.  And, these meetings take far longer than they did in the past.  During Covid.... there was blessed relief by using "Zoom" for meetings.... which gave me the option to turn off my camera and do other things while incessant, unnecessary yammering occurred.  But, at present, "Zoom" meetings are becoming rare again, and now most meetings are held face-to-face again.

4.  ADA students.... there has been a shift in ADA policies at our U which has correlated to an EXPLOSION of new ADA students in our classrooms.  I firmly believe in ADA Policies, so do not think I am not sympathetic to the needs of ADA recognized students.  I have had many very brilliant and successful students with ADA accommodations that I could provide them to help them with their disabilit(ies).  I have done this in many ways for students over the years with visual impairments, hearing impairments, mobility challenges, seizure disorders, and a variety of psychiatric disorders. 

 But, how our U is interpreting some ADA policies of late has me very frustrated.  In particular, our U is now designating some students as being ADA "anxious" and requiring ALL examinations to be in a "quiet", "distraction free", and "individual" space.  This means, according to the U that these students need a unique, separate room with NO objects in them other than a desk (and POSSIBLY a computer).  A WINDOW.... even with a closed blind is considered by the U to be a distraction.  And, because of this U approved accommodation, the student needs to be fully isolated from anyone else.  So, imagine that in a class of ~150 students I have, that perhaps 6 of them acquire the above U approved ADA accommodations.... and so, I have to figure out/find time & space to administer 6 extra exams for every damn exam I give in this class (I give 5 exams across the semester).  That means instead of 5 exams.... I give 30 damn exams in terms of time.  And, with the new "U interpretations" of ADA guidelines, now some students also get approved to have CHEAT SHEETS with them during an exam.  The U-official term for what they say these students can have is "prompt card" and is supposedly the U's interpretation of how to accommodate students with "anxiety induced memory retention" difficulties.  The students who get this accommodation can put damn near anything they want on up to 3 index cards to have with them at an exam according to U policy.  To me, that is a CHEAT SHEET (sigh).  

So, I think from my analysis of the above, that what I can do to try to help me with my own feelings of being very down and overburdened is to spend some time the night before each workday and make a list of the items I need to accomplish that I know about.  I believe it will help me put my day into perspective in a way that may help me either a) resign myself to a long, exhausting day, or b) help me have a "countdown" of sorts to know when I can break free, and/or c) perhaps help me see ways to better combine activities to perhaps eek out some more free time.  

• Ran 11 miles (as usual) this morning.  I know it sounds repetitive and boring to say the same damn distance every day.  But, it is the maximum I can seem to get done when they do  not open until 6:00am.   
• PCS - 7.  I do not know what to do about this either.  This high score has persisted for so long without any vacillations that.... I just do not know.  All I can say is that I MISS MY PIPES.  I wish I had not stopped, even though I know from a wellness perspective it was a wise choice. 
  
• TMJ - best news (of little good news) for today is that YESTERDAY was ALSO completely TMJ Pain Free!  I am still hedging my bets, and not saying it is over.  But, this is the best my jaw has felt in weeks.  It feels NORMAL.  Today, thus far, is also pain free.  
• Last aside.  I am being extremely careful and damn near obsessive when I am eating olives anymore.  Before I put any on my salads, I now chop them up to make sure no damnable pit was accidentally left behind.  I prefer whole olives.  But, I can deal with chopped olives on my salad until there is a time where I can more "leisurely" look through whole olives to ensure no damn pit.  I am also trying to filter out any unpopped kernels when I eat popcorn now.  I have chomped on a few unpopped kernels over the years, and while not as hard as an olive pit, I do not want to risk some sort of torsional movement of my jaws by chomping on a kernel either. 
  

I Do Not Know

 

I have been away for a spell.  Not from the U, nor from home.  Just from my blog.  I would have very much liked talking and interacting with all of you, but it has been difficult for me to put any thoughts onto the (electronic) page.  I have been feeling quite blue.  And, in feeling blue, I felt much like a sloth in terms of my energy to do a lot of things, including writing here.  

What defines my current "blue" state?

• a feeling like I am a meek, useless mouse running non-stop on a wheel that represents my life.  This feeling stems mostly from the schedule I have had to adopt for the last 4-5 weeks where I am moving non-stop from 5am when I get up until I can finally sit down and eat dinner, which in these last 4-5 weeks is typically around 8:30pm or 9:00pm.  I do not understand how days are now like this.  This is not sustainable.  
• the damn olive pit.... the one that riled up my TMJ.  My temporomandibular joint WAS severely traumatized by the damnable olive pit.  While FINALLY as of yesterday, I was able to eat across the entire day.... PAIN FREE.... it has been a TERRIBLY HARD bout of pain during this LONG, LONG healing process.  I would say this has been the WORST flare-up of TMJ pain I have experienced because of the intensity of its pain, the LENGTH of the pain remaining, and significant effect it has been having on my eating of foods I like (things that need to be CHEWED). I would get SO DAMN HUNGRY that I would simply chew and eat while in SIGNIFICANT PAIN.  This, while allowing  me to get some calories, did nothing to help my disposition.  And, even though I gave in and ate high fat, soft junk foods on a couple of days.... that did not help much either because each time I did not experience as much TMJ pain, but it also ended making me feel nauseous when I did so, because of the heaviness of this junk food.  And, truth-be-told.... the junk food was NOT satisfying either.   I am just keeping my fingers crossed that the TMJ pain from the damnable olive pit is truly gone.  I am still being very careful though in my chewing to not do any side-to-side motion while chewing.  And, I have found that during this episode it is VERY IMPORTANT for me to be actively and gently chewing food on both sides of my mouth simultaneously.  If I chew a mouthful of food on only on the one side that was not irritated, it causes the irritated side to actually become uncomfortable.  Even pressure on both sides has been the best bet during this recovery.  I am also wearing my bite splint nearly 24-7 EXCEPT when I am lecturing or eating.  I want this pain to stay gone.
• It is the unfortunate anniversary this week of the suicide of my colleague.  This has brought back a lot of memories of death, dying, etc.  And, this has not only been my thoughts about this particular friend.... but also of the other three close U friends of mine who died during the last two years as well.  1 suicide, 2 heart attacks (one following stent surgery), and one where initial incapacitation was due to a stroke but ultimate he died from a medication induced heart attack in the assisted living place he had been moved to.  
• The ice and snow has me worried, even though there is not a helluva lot I can do about it, concerning my kids and their driving.  As a college professor I have had far too many unpleasant experiences over the years where a young adult (student) of mine would drive in an unsafe way for the winter conditions in the decades of my BEING a professor, I would estimate hearing/learning about at least ~250 vehicle accidents involving my young adult students, and of those, there were seven of the accidents where there was catastrophic injury (such as brain damage, paralysis, loss of limbs etc) and five deaths.  My own (biological) kids often act just as flighty and invincible as most of my college students concerning driving, so this time of the year, especially the early part of winter where folks get re-acclimated to driving on snow/ice.... has me feeling a bundle of nerves ready to explode.

 I miss freedom of time.  I miss going to deer camp (deer hunting season started yesterday) and though I really have no interest in bagging a deer because I hardly eat meat, and really do not find venison much to my liking..... I miss the ritual and fun that I experienced for a whole lot of years in going to deer camp and general carousing...... drinking, playing poker, smoking my pipes, laughing, joking around, etc.  Deer camp no longer happens, and stopped a bit before my father-in-law passed away.  Most of the folks who went are gone, or they are incapable to going any longer due to age and decline.  But, damn, I miss it.  

I also miss feeling exuberant about life, about my job, about my hobbies, about anything.  I do not ALWAYS feel blue like I do at the moment.  But.... it has been a LONG time since I have felt that wonderful flush of exuberance about ANYTHING, even things I actually quite like.  

• I have been keeping up with my running during my absence, so no worries in that regard.  I did hit my planned effort of 55 miles (~89 km) for last week and am on track to do so this week... as is my usual.    
• My PCS still hovers at "7".  No one seems to have suggestions on how to fix this situation either.  It seems my new PERMANENT position.  I want to smoke, but I still have to real clue on how to do so without it ending up being more effort, more WORK to maintain "occasional" indulgence.  I think I could rejoin the beautiful hobby/passion to smoke my pipes if I did so at a low enough level that it would feel "safe" to do so.

I don't know.  I just feel like I am blathering on.  I am not sure if I should even publish this or hit "delete" instead.

PipeTobacco   

Hum-Drum

 

• Not a whole helluva lot to say.  Just a hum-drum day... as are most of my days.
• 11 miles (as usual....~18km). Even my running is hum-drum.  It is lately always 11.
• PCS = (surprise)... 7.  I am stuck in a damn rut.
• The most exciting thing that has happened in the last 24 hours is that my wife vomited twice, all over the family room floor.  She was taking preparatory medicine for a routine, scheduled colonoscopy and it definitely did not agree with her.  The vomiting wiped her out completely so we had little time together last night.  After she had the second vomit, I helped my wife change out of her clothes, and  I tucked my wife in bed (with a large, stainless steel bowl in case she got sick again), I cleaned up both vomits (they occurred within a minute of each other, and were in very different locations in the family room).  And, I washed the floor three times (I was worried the stomach acids (pH = 2) would damage the finish on the floors if I missed a spot.  I also washed her clothes, and my clothes as well.
• Fortunately, today my wife feels fine.  And, she has rescheduled the test for next week.  So, hopefully the new/different prep medicine they give her this time will be better tolerated.  
• I have to say, I am feeling a bit "grumpy" at the moment about missing smoking my pipes.  For most of my life, the idea of stopping something so pleasing and so wonderful to me never entered my mind.  It was a hobby, an avocation, a part of my personality, a part of my essence, a friend, a companion.  And when I was younger, and hell, even to some extent when I became an old fellow..... it helped me when I wanted to feel "traditional and upright" when I wanted to be such, but ALSO simultaneously I could have it help me feel like I was being a "rebel" or "non-conformist" when I wanted to feel so.  Smoking a pipe could help me display an air of seriousness.... but at the same time, when wanted, smoking a pipe could help me seem more silly and playful and eccentric.  Smoking a pipe.... in addition to the beautiful flavors and textures..... in addition to the gentle massaging of my mind..... also is a tool of expression that helped me be....  MORE me. 
• I feel sometimes like a pale, washed-out beige version of my formerly very colorful self.  I realize it is stupid to think the above.  But, it is an accurate rendering of what I DO feel sometimes.
  

PipeTobacco
 

Vote

 

It is going to be a hectic day, I believe.  I got up and hoofed my 11 miles (~18 km).  I then proceeded to vote, as the track (on the second floor) is in the building where my precinct's voting also takes place.  So, I was able to get that out of the way as well.  A lot of the poll workers saw me running, and when I came in all sweaty and disheveled looking, I found several friends and neighbors who were volunteering and they each asked me along the route in line "How far did you go today?".  When I would reply, most, who do not know me as closely were in "shock" saying that it was an awful lot.  I simply grinned and told them that it was important stress relief for me.

Voting, I do... because it is important.  Even though, I freely admit that I am in a frame of mind currently where I greatly dislike politics and feel that political "pundits" have destroyed any potential for civil discourse in our society.  I also believe the fracturing of media sources and the demise of real newspapers, a lack of news REPORTING (not pundit yammering, which most "news" is these days), and the cacophony of noise from social media is also to blame for the state of politics at the moment. 

PCS = 7.... I actually had a remembered dream last night where I was moseying around in a big city (seemed like Chicago, but I am not 100% sure what city was in my dream).  It was cold, perhaps in the mid-40s ( ~ 7C), but sunny.  I was basically window shopping, while smoking my pipe.  I was dressed in one of my typical "teaching tweeds 'uniform ' " of brown khakis,  brown herringbone tweed sport coat, shirt/tie, and snap-brimmed cap (tweed as well in this case).  Nothing much really happened in the dream other than I was enjoying smoking my pipe and meandering about.  

Margaret mentioned in a comment to me yesterday, that:

"...the fact that you've kept all your pipes and have favorite ones is telling. I think you want some pipe smoking in your future. Otherwise, you would have thrown or given them away." 

I am not sure if my keeping my pipes and pipe tobaccos and other related items really means I am bound to return to my pipes, although perhaps that may be a delusion on my part.  I remember a variety of folks who suggested (in-person and online) that I should "toss the damn things" or words to that effect, when I first began to refrain.  For me, though, that was NEVER a real thought, plan, or idea.  Even if I never were to smoke them again, they all have sentimental value to me.  They help to trigger so many memories for me.  They are "FRIENDS" of a sort,  themselves, although only inanimate objects.  And, I have a few pipes of my father's and one of my grandfather's as well that I have enjoyed, but also cherish because of the ties to them as well.  

PipeTobacco

General Thoughts

Overall a pleasant weekend.  My wife and I took a trip ~2.5 hours away to watch our youngest kid in an athletic event.  On Sunday, we went swimming. 

• Was able to shuffle my feet through 12 miles (~19.5 km) of running this morning.  I pushed it a bit in terms of pace and went as long as I was able to before needing to get ready to go to the U.   
• Trying to focus on lab and research things today as I have only exams to give in my lectures, so I do not have to talk loud, big and animated in my "Professor Voice".  I gave one exam already, and the kids were nervous as hell, as usual.  But, the unnerved ones really need to be aware that I give them exams over what I teach.  If they do poorly, it is a result of their not putting in the needed study time.  I have a lot of things I need to do in my lab, though.  I hope I can get them all done. 
  
• With band practice tonight (and after calling in "sick" for rehearsal last week due to my TMJ flare up (it hurts to play the bass clarinet during a flare up)), I will be eating reheated (from frozen) left overs tonight.  My wife is teaching a Catechism class so she will be late as well.  I am going to have Tofu Curry with rice.  
• PCS = 6.  Still ever-present, but a tiny bit less taxing to deal with.  It was vacillating between a 6-7 all weekend long.  I kept contemplating my thoughts about the matter, but to no avail.  
  
• I still have a bit of discomfort with my TMJ, but it is in more normal, Fall-typical, parameters.  The big changes of seasons (Fall to Winter.... Winter to Spring) almost inevitably cause a bit of a discomfort in my TMJ.  It is manageable now, but it still is an aggravating, gnawing (hah, pun unintended this time) experience. 
• Listening to the Capuchin Mass this morning was pleasant, tranquil, and thought provoking.
  

 In my comments on Friday, Pam stated:

" You're so disciplined about other things, maybe you could try to give yourself a firm limit: smoke 2 bowls once every 3 days as needed. But only 2 bowls (or 1?) at a sitting and never more often than every 3 (or 2?) days. Whatever you choose."

I thank, you Pam, for that strong vote of confidence in my abilities.  In reality, I do not feel like a disciplined person.  While in theory I do some things in a relatively scheduled fashion, it is not really an inherent part of my being, my personality.  I could and SHOULD be far more disciplined in my life in so many ways. 

In regards to pipe smoking (which was what Pam's comment was about).... I would love and relish being able to wrangle myself into allowing me to smoke two bowls every three days or so.  It would be beautiful, almost transcendental in some ways for me to rejoin in that fashion.  I contemplate it, and I desire that.  

Yet, while I *think* that I *might* be able to muster up the required damned, dogged determination to follow that pattern... what I am nervous about is how MUCH energy, how much forced determination it may take to maintain that limited, procured ability to return to my pipes.  I do not know if I have that level of strength to do so.  And, even with the potential strength to do so, would having to exercise that immense level of strength eventually tax me beyond my body and mind's ability?  I do not really know the answer to these questions.  I do know that I would RELISH that sort of option.  But in a similar vein, I wonder if it would just cascade (perhaps even quite quickly) into me falling back into the wonderfully comfortable indulgence pattern of having a pipe whenever I damn well felt like it..... which had always been my "norm" across decades?  

I do not know how strong I may be in this regard.  In many ways, this leaves me to be indecisive and sitting in a patch of indecision.  The image I show above is of my most favored shape and style of pipe, even though I have many, many beautiful pipes of all shapes.  But, I do know that the above is such a comfortable style and beautiful fit for my maw.  It is of a style called a "1/4 bent Dublin" variety by most folks, even though there are other names people use as well. Well, really, the stem is just a little bit too straight to be called a “1/4 bend”.  Just “Dublin” is more accurate.  I DO prefer a slight bend in the stem…. but that image is of a damn beautiful pipe that I would be very happy to own.  

PipeTobacco

Contemplations

 

Just a busy day of playing catch-up on a lot of work, both teaching and especially in research.  A lot of the effort though is mindless "busy-work" so it allowed my neurocrocircuitry to spin around quite a bit in a contemplative fashion. So, beyond the daily tally of things below, I pose questions I have been contemplating:

• 11.4 miles ran this morning. Done for the week.
• PCS = 7.  I am apparently "stuck in a rut" so-to-speak.
• I listened to a very nice Capuchin Mass this morning while I ran and before I prayed the rosary.  It helped me to try to focus more on appreciating life and not to focus on what has hurt.  

 

Contemplative thoughts/questions:

1. Is it possible to be a comfortable, "at-ease" pipe smoker in 2022, or do the myriad of societal pressures make that not really feasible?
2. Is there a way where I can OCCASIONALLY smoke my pipe WITHOUT it being too much work and struggle to NOT SMOKE MY PIPE at other times?  Here I am contemplating if it is easier to simply stay away.... or if it is possible to occasionally have a pipe but have it be a similar work effort to abstaining and not (as I fear) HARDER and MORE EFFORT.  
3. Is the beauty and charm of pipe smoking (that I felt back in the past)..... simply a confluence of "right place and right time" events that just is no longer possible?  
4. A big part of what I miss in pipe smoking is also the congenial socialization of it.  It no longer seems possible to have that sort of "pipe smoking buddy" sort of friendship at least in my locale.

I guess that is about it.

PipeTobacco

Cannon Canon

Even though I was TIRED late last night, I WASN'T sleepy, so when my wife decided to head to bed, I knew that mentally I was likely needing to stay up or I would toss-and-turn for quite a spell.  So, I watched a recording of one of my very favorite of several very favorite "old-time" (Bah, to me they seem as fresh and fun now, as they were during their initial run... which TO ME, wasn't all that long ago.) television programs..... Cannon! 

The episode was one I do nor remember seeing.  It was called "Press Pass to the Slammer!" and it was utterly fun and wonderful.  It involved a newspaper reporter (played by Marlyn Mason) who was going to be thrown in jail because she refused to reveal her source for information she new about a murder.  And the episode even had a minor role for one of my favorite character actors, Stuart Margolin (he was "the source")!  Of course, as the lead.... William Conrad was (as always) great in the episode as well! 

Seeing all the beautiful and sometimes odd vehicles of the early 1970s.... especially in pristine condition.... was also wonderful!  Even though I think it would feel incredibly odd to drive a big behemoth car like Cannon's Lincoln today.... it is fun to remember when those giants were the norm in terms of size.  

* * * * * 

• Ran..... can you guess??.... I ran 11 miles today (~18 km).
• PCS = can you guess??..... A "7" again today.  Strangely enough, the yearnings I feel today..... just as strong as they have been the last several days..... but the yearning feels almost "pleasant" if that is the right word.  Odd.  But, I am wondering if watching Cannon and seeing the bygone era footage of him smoking and talking about pipe smoking in just an everyday, casual sense has helped pipe smoking as it used to be.... feel again more present.... TODAY.  The way the "yearning" I am experiencing feels today, is akin to how it would feel when it would be a Friday and I was planning on visiting with my Father-In-Law late in the day..... on some of those Fridays, I would PURPOSEFULLY refrain from smoking my pipes during the day on Friday, so that when I would then do so while visiting my Father-In-Law later in the day, they would feel more beautiful and more impactful (along with a pleasantly stiff drink in my paw as well).  Today's feeling is akin to that.
• I am organizing myself for a helluva lot of work I hope to get done tomorrow.  If I can be productive, it may be a pleasantly quiet weekend.  
• Pat's comment yesterday suggesting I toss my pipes and pipe tobaccos caused me to shudder at the thought.  I do not think that really could ever be an option.  They are my history, and some are a part of my family heritage (pipes I have from my Dad and Grandfather).  I am also unsure (unconvinced perhaps) that my PCS would decline in any appreciable sense simply by tossing my pipes.
  
• My friend who goes by "Unknown" suggests I have accomplished "introspection and growth" during my period of refraining.  I am not sure if that is correlated though to my not smoking my pipes.  I (for better or worse) tend to be a rather damnably introspective guy.   I tend to think I am similarly introspective now as to how I have been through my entire life.  If there is one thing I can recognize that is different since I began to refrain...... it is that in some sense..... colors do not seem..... do not FEEL as vivid and vibrant as they did.  I know that really is illogical, but it does feel like I am in an environment with less vivid colors.
  

Sincerely,

 PipeTobacco

Brief (Not Underwear)

Feeling quite down.  But, I am trying to force myself through it by trying to focus on the positive.  So, a smaller post today:

• 11 miles as usual.
• PCS = 7 (This seems to be a new "norm" for me which is not what I would have expected over 4.5 years from my beginning to refrain.  I would have thought the gradual slope line of "decline" would have me likely at at PCS of 1 or 2 by this time.)
• Wednesday is the busiest teaching/research day of the week for me, so I am going to just keep my nose to the grindstone as best as I can.

PipeTobacco

All Saints Day & All Souls' Day

 

 

All Saints' Day, also known as the Solemnity of All Saints occurs today and is celebrated in honor of all the saints of the church, whether they are known or unknown. Technically, tomorrow is All Souls' Day, also known as the Commemoration of All the Faithfully Departed is a day of prayer and remembrance observed by Roman Catholics. In many ways, both days end up being celebrated in a unified fashion either on one day or the other.  

My wife and I will be going to Mass this evening.

In a special way I hope to remember the following:

Saint/Brother André Bessette of Quebec.
Blessed/Brother Solanus Casey of Wisconsin

My Dad
My Mom
My Aunt Agatha
My Uncle Chester
My Uncle Kasper
Fr. Robert D.
Fr. William T.
Fr. Keith C.

• Ran 11 miles (~18 km)
• PCS = 7.... still difficult
• TMJ is again regressing, and pain is lower.

PipeTobacco