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Staying the Course

After long contemplation, I have decided to stay the course and continue my blog. Thank you to all who sent comments and/or e-mails of encouragement. I appreciate it more than you realize. For those of you who did not send any comment or e-mail, well, that was informative as well.

During the last few weeks, I have had a general crankiness and malaise about life, mostly due to several stressors merging together that synergistically calumniated in feelings of frustration and despair about most things in life I had valued. The end of the academic year, the looming spending deadlines for this year's budget, the long, extended hospital stay for a family member, etc, etc all contributed to the negative feelings. While these emotional constructs are still present, they are dissipating significantly and I have decided to take the "bull by the horns" and work myself back into happiness through great expenditures of energy. Therefore, my posts will become more invigorating and will wax a bit more poetically about my impressions on this journey of life.

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1. No news about my baby brother's interesting predicament yet.

2. My evening course last night ran long. The students were excessively talkative and very much into our discussion. Instead of ending at 9:30pm as is typical, we kept going until roughly 9:50pm., and by the time I ran back to my office, and out to my truck, it was 10:00pm. I have taken to fasting from my briar until I leave on Tuesdays as I have back-to-back lecturing/laboratory duties all day right until I leave in the late evening. Because of the compressed nature of teaching in the Summer Session at my University, I feel uncomfortable giving students in any of my classes more than an occasional 10 minute break during the educational period. Ten minutes with my beloved pipe is akin to seeing only 10 minutes of a feature film.... not worth the effort. So I turned it around and fast during the day so that the wonderful return to her (my briar pipe) after the end of the class as I drive home in the late evening is even more rich and grand than typical.

My unfulfilled wishes for her charms that build through the day then become met in a bouquet of beauty as I sit in the driver's seat of my old truck, gently drawing the yellow flame deep into the small cluster of leaves within the bowl, melding both into a beautiful and magical atmosphere which I draw in deeply and with relish. I immediately feel the beloved nicotinic infused flavors course through my body and I grin without realizing it.

3. As is typical after a late evening of teaching for me, I have difficulty being ready for sleep at my usual 1am to 2am bedtime. Instead I putter about the house, have a beer or two, watch insipid programs on the television, eat, smoke my pipe some more, and finally around 3:15am, I went upstairs and quietly and gently began to stimulate my sleeping wife. I find this a rather enjoyable experience for both of us as I like to work with slow diligence and patience so as to get her as aroused as possible without actually causing her to wake up. On occasion if I am in my best form, I can stimulate her through a clitoral orgasm while sleeping. Last night however, I must have been a bit more impatient and my stimulation with my lips, tongue and fingers was a bit more aggressive this time so she awoke prior to experiencing the clitoral orgasm. However, the climax occurred and she smiled down at me and was happy and relaxed. Besides giving her pleasure, my stimulatory efforts had and added benefit for me as it also stimulated her to produce ample fluids, She reached down and pulled on my hair guiding me up to her face where we then began to kiss deeply and with agressive passion. My moustache and beard pressing up firm against her delicate skin as our lips locked against eachother and our tongues probed deeply into each other's oral cavity.

As I began to probe with the lower region of my body, I was delighted to feel her ample moisture as I began to push myself into her. With the wonderfully heavy fluid, my member was able to enter and spread her without her experiencing pain or discomfort. I began a slow, gentle rocking motion of thrusts within her and she responding in turn with similar rhythmic movements to my own. I could feel myself reach the bottom within her and push against and stretch her cervical region with each thrust. We sped up the rate of our thrusting motions, but intuitively did so only to a level that was maintainable for a longer period of time. To go any faster would be likely to result in the release of my seeds, and neither of us wanted the process to end. Losing track of time, we kept changing to various different positions and continued on and on and on in our rhythms, losing the sense of our surroundings, becoming more and more aware only of each other's bodies. Every several minutes I would feel a cascade of fluids from within her bathe over my member and the friction would diminish and the slippery texture would cause me to grin and wide-furry-faced grin at her. Her eyes had a far away look to them and the smile upon her face gave me a deeper pleasure than I can describe as we began to kiss again. Finally, after who knows how long, we both felt it was time, and I began to accelerate my thrusts faster and faster and faster until I felt as if I were a high revving engine with the aggressive motion of my piston. Eventually I could not contain myself any longer and with an even stronger thrust I began to shudder and could feel the release of my seeds into her. My whole body grew limp and my member grew flaccid while still inside her. We both were breathing very hard and we lay there hugging each other as we fell asleep.

It seemed as if no time had passed and suddenly my alarm clock went off and it was 6:00 am. As my wife continued her sleeping, I got up and put on my walking clothes, and headed out the door for my five mile walk, her loveliness still in my mind and heart and her essence upon me.

Not a bad day overall.

PipeTobacco

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Unresolved Feelings

I still have unresolved feelings about whether or not to continue this blog. I am still letting it marinate in my mind.

However, very interesting gossip I have been privy to came to me from my baby brother. He and I were working on a car restoration project of a VW Beetle. He seemed rather less anxious and worried than he has been of late. He even drank two of the beers I had just purchased and put into the refrigerator in the pole barn (Labatts Brown) for drinking while working on the beast. He also smoked his pipe along with me without the typical kvetching he usually does related to the activity. I am not sure if this "secret" is responsible for his change in behaviors or if it is something else. However, my brother is a bit concerned about he and his wife perhaps being pregnant again. They both love and wish to have more children. However, with their youngest being only barely 7 months old, they had hoped to wait at least a year before trying again. I could tell the possibility was both pleasing and worrisome for him. He had concerns about his wife being pregnant again so soon, about how close in age this offspring would be to the 7 month old, etc, etc. And he was truly excited about the prospect of another kid, proud to be a daddy again, etc. So, as his wife is only 3-4 days late (she is typically quite regular), it is really only a minor possibility at the moment. If she does not menstruate by June 6th or 7th, THEN I will think the likelihood is much greater. Until now it is only conjecture.

PipeTobacco

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Not Sure

The "who gives a damn" malaise has struck me awfully damn hard. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically wiped out from all the sh*t that has been happening. The hospitalization of my elderly mother, my own vile viral infection (laryngitis for 3 days so far...imagine trying to lecture for 4 hours, and literal cups of wretched, chunky green mucous that I cough up), assinine comittee work, a kid brother who mopes around more than me, a wife that hs been moody, and temperatures that have been fluctuating during the last week with highs anywhere between 45 and 82 and lows anywhere between 37 and 66, and you can sense that I do not feel much balance or comfort in life at this time. I am actually pretty damn angry at much of the world, all the good it does me, and I pretty much have found no solace in anything.

I do not know if any of this matters. I do not know if I care if any of this matters. I do not know if anyone cares whether or not I care if any of this matters, and I do not know if I want anyone to care whether or not I care if any of this matters.

I may be done.

PipeTobacco

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Sick

Unfortunately, it seems to happen every damn time. When I have the stressors of a relative in the hospital, when I spend a lot of time in the hospital visiting the sick relative, when I have utter chaos occur to my schedule and I spend extra hours not sleeping than I typically do... usually.... with nearly 100% regularity, I get sick myself a few days to a week later. I feel lousy as hell. I sneezed out a nearly flourescent yellow ball of mucous roughly the size of half a golf ball this morning, and I have been coughing and wheezing all day. As today is the long lecture day (10 - 10), I feel like sh*t and am angry at the world.

PipeTobacco

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Heavy Eyed

My elderly mother has been released from the hospital. Therefore there is grand news. However, my body has yet to recover from the trauma that is the taking care of a sick loved one. I ache from head to toe and my mind feels as if it is composed of soggy oatmeal. My mental and physical energies are exhuasted. It typically takes a few to several days to return to normalcy.

PipeTobacco

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Tired

When a loved one is in the hospital, it is emotionally and physically draining. That is how I am feeling at the moment. I have a good six hours of teaching ahead of me today, and I have about as much energy as cheap set of off-brand batteries that have been left in a transistor radio that was not turned off a few months earlier.

My elderly mother may or may not be discharged today. We do not know.

PipeTobacco

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A Little & A Lot

A little bit of work today and a whole lot of time at the hospital to support my elderly mother. If I can, I shall endeavor to write more this afternoon/evening.

PipeTobacco

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Stable

I am sitting here in my lab office preparing for class. My coffee and my pipe are comforts to me and I have eaten a banana (When stresses like I am currently experiencing occur, I lose my appetite and basically need to force myself to eat at times.). My mother is stable right now. Hopefully things will continue in that vein.

It is ironic, that my original plan for yesterday and today was to write a long and significant essay here to my baby brother explaining how he should LIVE life and not be so worried and timid. During the weekend I had even thought of several analogies I had hoped to include in the essays to him to try to wake him out of his lethargy and fear about all things in life.

However, given my own state of mind, I am feeling more akin to throwing in the towel and saying his way is the more obvious and correct way to feel about things. It is on many levels very true that there is heartache and saddness lurking around every corner. I despise these notions but they seem quite vivid and true today.

PipeTobacco

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Rough Day

My elderly mother had to be taken to the hospital this morning. We arrived at 6:50am. We left the emergency room at 3:50pm to go to a room, and I left at 8:30pm. I am too bushed and sad to write more at the moment.

PipeTobacco

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Harrumph!

I am so damn frustrated that I am foaming at the mouth. Look Here.

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Utter b*llsh*t and nonsense! I do not undestand such idiotic thoughts and notions. My brother makes himself out to be an ogre, which is utterly foolish. He is a decent young man. I wish I could cuff him along side the head and knock some sense into his neurons. What the hell difference does it make if a person smokes or drinks or exercises or doesn't exercise or any of that sh*t? Its what is inside that counts.

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I had planned to talk here more about the research effort I am working on is progressing, but I am aggrivated as hell at my brother's post. Instead, I shall simply give a nutshell statement:

I am having a very good time exploring several new grant opportunities and have been feverishly scribbling out various outlines and scenerios for the grant. It is pretty exciting to have several options for grants. Perhaps I will write more this weekend as one of my good Internet friends has asked me to do. Hopefully, by then my baby brother will have some sense knocked into his thick skull.

PipeTobacco

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A Juxtaposition of Thought

Strangely, the post from yesterday about the feelings of "lack of thought" actually started the whirling of my mind back into full force ever since. Here are some of my musings:

1. Is it typical for anyone (or perhaps at least for an acedemic) to have a constant, whirling, swirling plethora of ideas, thoughts, emotions, and plans running through his mind? For me, it is the way my mind operates (or perhaps the way I have trained it?), but I never much thought about whether it is typical or atypical.

2. It is seems likely that this constant whril of ideas etc. in my mind is probably a big part of the reason why I typically do not sleep until 1am or 2am or later, and perhaps also explains why I typically arise at 5:30am or 6am each day.

3. Thinking and ideas are really "my job" as a professor. Does this mean then that I am really taking "my work" home with me and in effect living it nearly 24 hours a day? Even though I am applying the thinking and ideas to other tasks, in effect I could be considered perhaps a "work-a-holic"?

4. Having that time of very limited thought, that slowing of the "whirl" of ideas was surprising. In some ways it was freeing... my mind seemed so quiet. However, in other ways it was a bit unnerving.... it felt as if part of me had gone dormant.

5. My pipe tobacco typically gives me a mental boost, and in effect adds fuel to my thoughts and often the pipe will help keep the thought process stoked. Yesterday during the yard work, the feelings attributable to my pipe were more physical, the nicotine flowed into my sinews and muscles and helped to dissipate tensions there. Do not get me wrong, I am used to having both the mental and physical effects, but typically the mental are the more prominant.

6. Perhaps a part of the pleasure and enjoyment I get out of drinking on occasion is due to its ability to induce this sort of mental "quiet" in me? Even though I did not have any feelings of intoxication (obviously because I had no alcohol), I do see some similarities between the mental activity level during intoxication and the mental activity level felt yesterday.

7. As an analogy, I thought last night about how this effect seems somewhat akin to what happens when a computer "powers down". It is still present, but its activity has declined.

Any thoughts?

PipeTobacco

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The Whirr has Stopped Temporarily

Nothing new to report unfortunately, my mind has not been actively musing about life. I have simply been doing manual labor (aka yard work). Having your mind be "blank" and not whirling with thoughts, emotions, and ideas is rather interesting. Perhaps because I am in academia, I do not normally spend many, if any days relatively thought-free. It is a definite change of pace... and is rather quite relaxing.

PipeTobacco

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Coffee, Pipes, and Jazz

The highlight of my day today has been in the morning. I decided to not show up to the University until roughly 1pm today (class started later in the afternoon). I instead got up at 5:30 am, brewed a pot of double strength coffee (hazlenut flavored, by-the-way... my wife wanted me to have a treat), poured it in a thermos, brewed a second double strength pot of coffee, filled my tobacco pouch to the brim (I even had to coax and massage the pouch so I could close it with the zipper, it was that full), put on my work clothes (a tired looking, but very comfortable bib-overalls, an old, frayed, but comfortable button-down collared long sleeve shirt, and an old baseball cap), grabbed a mug and a small radio, and went out to the patio area. Turning the radio on softly, I listened to NPR news and heard Jazz (Ella Fitzgerald.... damn, when she sings "Blue Skies" it makes my loins quiver), drank coffee, smoked a helluva lot of pipe tobacco, and laid brick and cut sod from 6am until noon.

I then quickly hopped in the shower, and came to the U.

PipeTobacco

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Hookey

I played hookey today from my lab and office. Instead, I have been working on laying brick for a new patio in my yard.

PipeTobacco

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Feeling the "Blahs"

With so little going on overall in any of the blogs I read, I do not feel particularly stimulated to write today either. However, here is a brief set of things I am currently thinking about and pondering over many pipes:

1. Dementia could be affecting an elderly member of my family and I am worried for her. I am going to just continue on right now and observe further.

2. I have many plans of things I could/should/would like to accomplish, yet I am not particularly energetic to pursue any of them at the moment. I have yard tasks I would like to work on, grant applications I could be writing, another class I could be preparing for, several books (both fiction and biography) I would like to read and several research articles and books I should be reading. Also, I should simply be more supportive and kind to all those in my immediate and extended family.

3. Physically, I feel "blah". I want to sleep, but that does not accomplish a helluva lot. I walked today but it did not provide me any vitality, and it was a tiresome chore only. My TMJ has been acting up a bit and I have misplaced the best bite splint I have for these times... the others I have are not as effective. My pipes are not as exciting as they usually are and I am not sure why. I have the opportunity to visit my elderly father-in-law for some fun today, but I do not know if I am motivated enough to go there.

So, that is about it for me in a nutshell. I was able to make a post (albeit boring) after all. At least that is a minor accomplishment.

PipeTobacco

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Dementia

Dementia, a progressive brain dysfunction, leads to a gradually increasing restriction of daily activities. The most well-known type of dementia is Alzheimer's disease. Dementia not only affects patients, but also those surrounding them, as most patients require care in the long-term.

Dementia.com provides information for caregivers and healthcare professionals. Subscribers can customise the site, receive newsletters and benefit from the Medline mail service, providing access to over 3 million online articles.

This is my focus for today.

PipeTobacco

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What To Do?

I am feeling a bit myopic in my mind today and cannot think of anything constructive to do or accomplish. To me, I think some strong physical exhertion would fit the bill, but what should that be? I have been very physically active the last several days and have felt antsy and not wanting to be a couch potato. I bedded my wife extensively after I returned home from my late evening class, I then walked 5 miles this morning at 5:30am. Now I feel antsy again. Perhaps I will go home and clean the garage. Dirty work, but also hopefully strenuous enough to get the antsy feeling to dissipate.

P.S. People... readers and writers.... PLEASE write in your blog today.... and/or comment on my blog today. My old favorites aren't writing a helluva lot, and my audience seems to have gone mute.

PipeTobacco

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No One Is There

It feels as if it is a ghost town in blog land. None of my favorite blogs to read have updated today.

I am also not sure what has happened here , but there is also a severe decline in readers to this site today. I miss you all and I hope that you will come back and comment. Additionally, consider reading my baby brother's blog as well. He really needs the encouragement to write.

PipeTobacco

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He Returneth!

I just received notification through my e-mail that my baby brother has chosen to write again on his blog, Lectures on Life. I had been after him on the phone and on e-mail to start his writing again, but it appears that my in-person cajoling at a birthday party yesterday finally did the trick.

Now, all I have to do is keep him writing.... and get him off his fixation on all things negative.... and get him to write about all the good things life has to offer... I guess that is a pretty tall order [grin]. But, hell, what are brothers for?

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I spoke last week a bit about the grant writing I was fired up about. Well, thus far, I am now wading through grant opportunities for 10 very different but good agencies that are pretty well aligned with my background and experiences in rodent research. I am working on narrowing the focus down to the top two or three I wish to focus my writing attention upon for this grant cycle. It would be lovely to win a windfall for my lab students and myself.

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As you can likely imagine, my elderly father-in-law and I had a helluva good time on Friday! The new leaf I found at the tobacconist was a variation on the raspberry theme, in a blend of virginian leaf. There was a hint of a cinomon-like spice also mixed with the leaf. Both my elderly father-in-law and I found the leaf pleasant but underpowered (as is true for all virginians). As we worked out way through a fifth of Canadian Club, we switched over to more hearty standards of leaf for our pipes. A grand time was had by all, and it was the perfect way to celebrate the end of the semester.

PipeTobacco