Profound for Me

There is something that is inherent in my personality that causes me to naturally tend towards rumination and worry.  It is, I have come to realize, a "default" pattern of sorts for me.  And, I suspect in some fashion, rumination specifically has helped me focus on certain goals and tasks that require long-term effort. 

But, unfortunately, rumination does not always lead to a better understanding of  situation, sometimes ruminating can simply be like a record stuck in a groove and repeating the same thing over and over and over.

And, so, in many ways, I have begun to realize I am somewhat in a repeating record groove with this rumination about the anger and hurt I have about some of the b*llsh*t that is going on at work.  And, it really does me NO GOOD to stay focused on this crap.

The really challenging thing for me in regard to rumination is that intellectually I KNOW that the behavior is not good for me, and is not helpful for me in cases like what is going on at work.  But.... the difficult thing is that sometimes it takes me a helluva long time to REALIZE that is what I am doing.  The hurt feels so intense that I am not really AWARE that I have been in a rumination spiral of repetition and repetition of the same thoughts and feelings of hurt.  It is a strange feeling to realize I am doing this ruminating... and to realize I was not really recognizing it.  TO REALIZE THIS IN THE MOMENT IS PROFOUND FOR ME.  It is sometimes very hard for me to recognize it.

*  *  *  *  *

So, the recognition of my ruminating is an important key for me to be aware of.  It has been helping me to recognize and try to expend my energies more in other aspects of life.  I need to figure out a way to better and more easily recognize this sort of ruminating behavior and when it is not helpful (much of the time it is not), work against it. 

*  *   *   *   *

1.  I am thankful for my family, my wife and kids.... their love and support and friendship makes each day so important to me. 

2.  I am thankful for my students.  They are fun, funny, enjoyable and even when they grouse about my exams being hard, it is wonderful to see them grow and learn and better understand what I work hard to help them learn.

3.  I am thankful for the Summer, even though it is hotter than hell at times (today we may hit 100 degrees), it is a great time of the year.

4.  I am thankful I ran VERY early this morning as it was already 79 degrees at 5am with 50% humidity.  I was completely wet perspiration and looked like a drowned rat when I finished this morning.

5.  I am thankful for music.  I have been listening to Chicago a great deal this week.  I feel so invigorated by the horn parts in their songs. 

PipeTobacco

More Than the B*llsh*t

I have to say, that at least at the moment, I am feeling of a mind to tell a few people exactly what I think of them and their behavior.  We will see if I decide to do so or not.

I am pretty angry at a handful of folks and I am truthfully very tired of their uncaring b*llsh*t.  But, I am also pretty damn tired of the way their poor, rude, and obnoxious behavior affects me.  If I had my druthers, I would prefer to never interact with these folks again, but unfortunately that is only a pipe dream. 

However, I may let them know what I really think of their shameful behavior and then work to keep any interaction I need to have with them to the barest minimum possible.  Their shockingly self-serving, unfair, inequitable, unbecoming, and clueless behavior is something I *have* to deal with, but I do not *have* to let it defeat me in my pursuit of a happy life.  I am feeling determined today to find a way to feel happier in spite of their obnoxious behavior. 

Even though I have helped each of them in several *very* significant ways in the past, that apparently isn't worth a hill of beans to them.  It will truthfully be a cold day in hell before I put myself out there to help any of them willingly again.  Although I am *not* there yet, I am putting in more and more energy to figure out how to best regain my own sense of happiness in spite of these sh*tty individuals.

*   *   *   *   *  

What am I thankful for today:

1.  I am very thankful for my wife and my family.  They are such important people in my world.

2.  I am thankful that it is Summer.  Even though it was a rather chilly 45 degrees during my run this morning, it was still a helluva lot better than it is in the winter.

3.  I am thankful for the lunch my wife packed for me today.  Her being willing to do this for me helps me to feel loved and cared for.  And, it tastes wonderful as well (I have eaten about 1/2 of it already).

4.  I am thankful for having a good novel to read in the late evening.  It is relaxing and entertaining.

PipeTobacco

  

Trying Hard

It was a decent weekend and for the most part, I was able to put aside temporarily some of my hurt and anger about work.  However, it is still hard.  I am still working to come to terms with how uncaring, disappointing, and mean-spirited of a place it is.  If I can push through the acceptance of these facts, I will be able to move on with my life and create a new day-to-day life here.

In many ways it is exactly the five stages of grief:

1. denial,  2. anger,  3. bargaining,  4. depression and  5. acceptance

In my own journey in this wretched situation, I have been following the classes stages of grief to the letter.  I came upon that realization just during this weekend. 

In looking back over the last 3 years of this, I can recall that during the first month or two I was clearly in the denial stage.  But, that was short lived.  

I have been in various aspects of the anger, bargaining, and depression stages for  the past 2 - 2.5 years. It is a helluva place to be and I despise it.  I vacillate back and forth between each of the three of them.

I really have no damn idea on how to proceed to the acceptance phase.  But, I believe that is what I need to do.  I am going to try to do some reading about it for insight.  

*   *   *   *   *

In terms of things I am greatful for:

1.  I am thankful for my wife.  She supports me emotionally as best as she can.  She may not always fully understand the complexities of my emotions, but her sincere love, and her desire to help me are so appreciated.

2.  I am glad that I have learned how to run, and I am glad that I can count on it to at least dampen some of my stress.  

PipeTobacco

Blue

I am feeling really blue today.  It is so hard to shake this feeling at times.  I will continue to try to persevere though. 

I ran this morning.  It was very cool.... 52 degrees (11 C), but once I started, I warmed up well. 

The hardest part about the blue feelings is that I tend to try to avoid work I need to do because it bothers me.  And, yet it is a self feeding cycle.  If I had my druthers, I would go to sleep for the day.  In the deep recesses of my mind, I know that also is foolish.  So, I have to keep on keeping to do the better things and eventuallly it will be better.

*  *  *  *  * 

1.  I am thankful for my kids.  I miss the intensive and deeper interactions we shared when they were younger.  But, that is how it is when they become young adults.  They get very busy with their own things. 

2.  I am thankful for breakfast.  I really do look forward to it more than any other meal of the day, most days. 

3.  I am thankful for books to read.  They help transport me to places outside of my head. 

PipeTobacco

128 / 3560 / 104

A bit of number crunching for me today:

1.  I counted it out today, and today is the 128th day I have refrained from smoking a pipe.

2.  I have now reached 3560 days in a row without missing a single day in terms of walking or running at least 5 miles (8 km) a day.  That will very soon be 10 complete years, if I make it.

3.  I have also reached 104 weeks in a row (2 complete years) of running a minimum of 28 miles (45 km)a week.   

*  *  *  *  *

While I feel contented and happy about the 3560 days in a row and I feel the same about the 104 weeks in a row, I am finding that the increasing number of days away from the pipe is not really having the same motivating effect.  In terms of the exercise, it is somewhat exciting to see that number grow.  Having the number grow in terms of refraining from my pipe... meh.  It seems only a number.  I had *hoped* that the increasing number would help motivate me in that regard.

That said, I am still persevering in that pursuit.  There are some days that are relatively easy, and there are some days that are definitely more challenging in regards to my pipe.  I do think about my pipes everyday, however.  I wonder if that will change or not? 

*   *   *   *   * 

1.  I am thankful for the rain.  Today, it was 57 degrees and raining at 5am when I went running.  Even though it may not seem particularly enjoyable, for me, I often find a light or moderate rain rather enjoyable if the temperature is ok.   I wear a baseball cap while running and this dissipates much of the rain.  Even so, my glasses do get wet and spotted rather quickly, but typically I can still see well enough. 

2.  I am thankful for my family.  Even though there are challenges that we face, and it seems as if we do not get to spend much time together lately, they are the most important parts of my life. 

3.  I am thankful for oatmeal... hell, I am thankful for all breakfast cereals.  I would rather eat cereal for breakfast than any "fancy" sort of breakfast you could name. A lot of folks in my region will imagine a "big breakfast" of eggs, bacon, sausage and hashbrowns.... or more fancy, something akin to Eggs Benedict or quiche.  But not me.  When I have my druthers.... a luxurious breakfast would be a big bowl of oatmeal with raisins,  a piece of cinnamon toast, some baked apple chunks, and perhaps a bit of yogurt or cottage cheese. 

PipeTobacco

Difficult Weekend, But Persevering

The weekend was quite rough.  I had gone to the local greenhouse and purchased a flowering plant to place on my father's and my father-in-law's grave.  I did this early Saturday.

My wife returned from her trip late Saturday evening.  I thought things were generally ok.  However, we ended up having a bit of a quarrel yesterday.  We have worked through it, but it was not a stellar weekend. 

But, I will persevere.  In trying to look at the positive, I can be thankful for:

1.  Running outside this morning at 5am.  It was already HOT (85 degrees) so I ran without a shirt.  I probably scared off the wildlife because they probably thought a Sasquatch was loose. 

2.  Our air conditioning is working well.  It is needed as we are anticipating another high 90s day today (with heat index above 100). 

3.  I think the mint is growing well enough in the garden that I may already be able to harvest some and may make a watermelon salad with feta cheese and mint.

*  *  *  *  *

Silly "academic" humor for today:

Who was Socrates' worst student?

Mediocrities.

And... who was his busiest student?

The one who had too much on his Plato.

*  *  *  *  *

The above image is one that I inadvertently stumbled across during the weekend.  I think it is very pleasing as an image. 

PipeTobacco

Hot Day & Weekend

We are anticipating weather all weekend long in the mid 90s.  The heat is tolerable and not that big of a deal to me, but the sun can be rough.  I unfortunately burn easily so I have to be careful when the sun is intense. 

I had a really difficult time last evening regarding my pipes.  I came very close to filling a bowl and indulging.  I am not sure why yesterday was so hard.  Perhaps it is a mix of factors:

1.  It was an especially long and intensive day at work, and I have always associated those days with the joy and pleasure of having a pipe when I return home late in the day from work.  The pipe was a reward of sorts for persevering.

2.  My wife being away on a trip perhaps was a part of the reason.  Having her away makes the pattern of the day-to-day become more disheveled and chaotic.... and I believe that chaos is another common time when I have sought comfort in a pipe.

3.  Perhaps Father's Day has something to do with it too.  It is of course coming up this Sunday.  Both my father and my father-in-law were pipe smokers.  Thoughts of them perhaps have been more prominent.  My father passed away 25 years ago, and now with my father-in-law having passed only a few months ago, it is a confusing time. 

4.  Interestingly, the above had me realize as well that (presuming I make it), this coming Father's Day will be the first Father's Day for me where I am not smoking a pipe.  Seems a bit odd to put it in that way.

*  *  *  *  *

What am I happy for today?

1.  I am looking forward to swimming later today at the community pool.

2.  I am looking forward to my wife's return in a few days.

Kind of pathetic, I guess.  At the moment, I cannot think of other items.

PipeTobacco  

Rorschach Test

While I have interest but only tiny bit of background in psychology (I am actually a biologist), I have always been curious but not particularly understanding of how to interpret a Rorschach Test.  In the classic image above, I tend to see what to me appears to be a "bird" perhaps with broken wings.  But, how to draw meaning or significance of my perception of that image is illusive. 

Today has felt like a somewhat illusive day emotionally.  That may be a good thing or it may be a bad thing.  Here is what I have felt:

1.  In looking for positives to focus on, my primary focus has been on my kids and how much I love them.  In my best moments, I do believe that I do work very hard FOR them and try to be what they needed, need, and wanted or want in a Dad.  In my worst moments, I see and feel each and every failure of my effort to be their Dad.  Sometimes the realization of how so damn often I utterly ail in being a father or really in being anything just crushes and asphyxiates me.

2.  I am also appreciative for the rusty, but trusty old companion truck I drive around in day-to-day.  It is not fancy, but it is comfortable.

3.  I am so thankful for eyeglasses.  With my myopia (from age of 7) and its severity..... I cannot fathom how different my life would have developed without glasses.  Without glasses, the world is nothing but a very hazy, non-descript whorl of colors once I move beyond a foot or two.  I sometimes relax by taking off my glasses and viewing the world as if it were my own private Monet painting..... only made by Monet when he was in a particular rush and paid less attention to details. :)

* * * * *

Today has been one of those days where the yearning for a bowl of delightfully tinctured burley leaf has been EXTREMELY strong.  As I tried to do various paperwork between lectures, my mind would inevitably drift to thinking about and imaging my pipes and indulging in their charms.  It is so interesting how the degree of yearning fluctuates.  Sometimes the yearning is mild, sometimes strong, and this day... I would classify it as being elephant level in strength.  Every fiber of my mind seems to desire my indulging.

An interesting day to say the least.... spinning wheels.... or perhaps a bird with a broken wing.

PipeTobacco 

Ideas from Comments

In my effort to get to a "happier" mental place, I thought that today I would respond to several of the very kind comments I received yesterday:

 (From Schrodinger's Dog):  "... changing part of your focus from an internal one to an external one?"

I agree with you fully about the notion of external focus.  It *is* helpful in most circumstances.  I do involve myself in a fair amount of volunteer activities, and I am quite active in many aspects of my parish as well.  I could do more in this regard, however, and one avenue I have been contemplating is working at one of our soup kitchens for the poor and homeless.  The one challenge I sometimes face with the more external focus is that often the timing needs will occasionally clash and then I tend to feel stress about not being able to do all the things I try to commit to do.  But that is a minor point.   Your bigger message is a very sound one.... one that I often can lose sight of when I am in the deep depths of the melancholy.  

(From Simone): "Take the opportunity to do things you want to do rather than those things you feel you have to do."

This is also a great point.  One of the harder aspects of this, for me, however, is that sometimes what I "want" to do feels selfish, or perhaps more accurately, I mean it will cause me to potentially neglect some of my "have to do" things (which I feel guilt about often already for not doing well enough).  But the idea is an important one.  I really do need to find some way to more regularly have time for things I find fun and enjoyable. 


 (From Forsythia): "...It's just so exasperating at times."

I can fully understand this idea.  I sometimes worry that I am spreading negativity.  And, that is truly NOT something I wish to do.  It is hard sometimes to know if my melancholia is having others perceive me as being negative or not.  Much of the time, I tend to "hide" myself away from others when I feel this melancholia because I do not want it to impact others in my family.  But, hidinig it away also causes its own challenges.   

(From MRMacrum): "Finding a better frame of mind is the goal. How you get there almost does not matter."

Very well stated, Mike.  Finding a better frame of mind IS my goal.  How to do so in a meaningful and consistent fashion is the key I am searching for.  I do feel that my trying to list and trying to focus on good things yesterday DID help yesterday be less melancholia infused than the preceding several days have been.  

*   *   *   *   *

Today I am trying to focus on these positives:

1.  My run was pleasant and enjoyable.  It was around 65 degrees at 5am this morning while running at 5am.  

2.  I am thankful for my cereal and blueberries this morning.  I have a mix of two high fiber cereals and blueberries that I let sit for probably an hour so it is quite soggy.... the taste and texture is so wonderful.  Some days, I think I could eat 5 or six bowls of the stuff easily. 

3.  At night, before bed, I am reading a new (for me) Michael Connelly novel "The Wrong Side of Goodbye" and I finding it to be one of my favorites of his many good novels.

PipeTobacco

Pretend....

I am so tired of feeling down and sad and upset.  It is a waste of precious time. 

In an effort to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" I am going to adopt a strategy that has worked for other things in the past, namely... I am going to "pretend and imagine" that I am enthused and excited and feeling in great spirits.  Some folks call this the "Fake it 'till you make it." approach.  It is worth a shot, I guess. 

So....

1.  I am glad for the nice day today weather wise.  It is cloudy and overcast with a high anticipated of 83 degrees.  It is a nice temperature. 

2.  I am glad I was able to run my five miles this morning at 5am.  I did not accidentally oversleep, and was able to get my run in comfortably so that I could get to work on time and start class.

3.  I am "ok" with my wife being gone after today because I will use the evenings to try to catch up on things I have been neglecting.  Perhaps I will work on cleaning the garage.  Perhaps I will work on preparing a room for painting.  Perhaps I will work to get a few things my wife has wanted me to hang on the walls up and showing.

4.  Perhaps I will work to enjoy myself during the next several evenings by watching shows that are on the queue that my wife normally does not like to watch (Railroad Alaska is one in particular that I enjoy, but I also have Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Cannon, Rockford Files, and several Independent Lens (PBS show) episodes that have been hanging around for me to watch.  My wife is not particularly engrossed with those shows so they tend to accumulate.   

5.  Perhaps I will splurge and have a beer or two one of the evenings.  The one worry is that if I do, I may more deeply crave a pipe and have less resolve to refrain.... but it may be worth the risk or maybe not.  But, I can think about this more.  

6.  I am happy I have the garden in, and I can spend some of my time keeping the weeds at bay.  When I looked yesterday, the plants were all doing well.  The Brussels Sprouts are already getting quite robust in size.  The corn looks healthy, the squash is growing fast.  All 9 different herbs seem healthy.  The tomatoes and the tomatillos are all growing well. 

So, this is my first attempt to focus on the positive things I can find, regardless of how damn low I feel.  I am going to give this a try and see if it helps me.

PipeTobacco

Still... still

Emotionally, I am still in a rough place.  I am trying to figure out how to get out of it, but it is hard.  I feel angry and resentful about many things, much of them work related, but other things as well.  I also have a lot of fears and sorrows I am trying to resolve.  Many of my coping mechanisms are gone, and I am having to figure out new ways to try to find resolution.  My pipe is gone, I do not have the pipe and a drink or two ritual on Fridays with my father-in-law anymore.  I do not feel satisfaction at work like I used to.  And, to top it all off, this week my wife is going on a trip that I unfortunately cannot accompany her on because of my damn work schedule, so I will be alone several days.  I have even given up for the most part on listening to NPR.  It has been my primary news source for several years (especially with the downturn in newspapers), but the news is always so depressing and horribly mean (Trumpian) now that it only aggravates my mood.

I used to feel excitement and joy, at least sporadically.  It has been a long time since I have felt that sporadic sense of happiness.  Each day now seems only filled with tasks I must do and usually resent doing, feelings of sadness and loneliness, and worries and fears about so many things.

It is really not enjoyable.  I have to figure a way to fix things.  There has to be something I can do to get out from this and to make like feel normal again.

I ran my five miles this morning.  I got a haircut over the weekend and now with my normal, short hair in the sides and top, my fuller beard and mustache do look even more gigantic.  I am liking the look.  I feel more akin to a late 1800's era gentleman with this look.

I saw an art film "Loving Vincent" with my wife this weekend.  It was an animation about Vincent Van Gogh using the characters of his paintings to tell the story of the last year of his life.  It was quite remarkable and moving.

PipeTobacco

No Goals, No Ambition

I have no goals anymore.  I have no ambition anymore.  I feel like I am just going through the motions day-by-day.  This saddens me greatly.

PipeTobacco

Untitled Post

I ran my 5 miles this morning.  Even my running is not something that I look forward to.  But I get it done.  It does reduce stress. 

I went to the store to buy a pair of shorts yesterday evening.  I now bought shorts with a waist size of 32 inches (81 cm).  That is a first for me.  I suspect the last time I had a 32 inch waist was when I was in junior high school.... or perhaps elementary school. 

When I was at my heaviest, I had a few pairs of pants that in order to fit required me to purchase a waist size of 48 inches (121 cm), although I mostly squeezed into 46 inch waist pants.  

PipeTobacco

Pipe Smoking

It has been 112 days since I last smoked a pipe.  In the grand scheme of things.... that is nothing special or amazing.  But it is where I am at.

Some days not smoking a pipe seems "ok".  Some days I would like to smoke my pipe.  And once in a while I still very deeply would like to smoke my pipe.  I am never sure which day it will be.

I *think* about pipes and pipe smoking every day, however.  Every day.

Part of me wants to just say "the hell with it" and go back to them.

Another part of me feels I should keep persevering.  

The one nice thing is that I do not have to be conscious of potentially offending others around me by smelling "pipey".  Years ago this of course was never a cause for worry or concern because smoking was common, and pipe smoking was always the "nicer" variant and so no one looked at you askance.

During the last few years, however, the negative looks and comments have grown even with pipe tobacco and it became a difficult mix of emotions more and more frequently.  With so few people who smoke these days (latest estimate I read is that 14% of adults currently smoke), I felt like a leper.

But, I think back to how it was forty or fifty years ago and how different it was.

PipeTobacco

Hard to Describe

What has been ailing me?  It is hard to put into words, because it is not extremely tangible.  I guess I will try to get the various ideas "out" there in a numbered list.  It may clear my head a bit:

1.  I find myself feeling quite sad much of the time.
2.  I find myself feeling quite angry much of the time.
3.  I find that most days I have a short "fuse" where relatively small things make me feel very irritated.
4.  I feel that I am living as if a robot.  All I do is work.  I never have free time.
5.  When I get home I feel that all I do is work as well.  This is work for the family....  but that does not make it feel any less like work.
6.  I get so frustrated sometimes that I just stop doing work, and that only prepetuates the stress and results in me feeling more upset, more sad, more anxiety filled.
7.  The work that I do feels meaningless and feels like b*llsh*t.
8.  Sleep feels wonderful, but after I fall asleep, I have nightmares (which I do not usually remember).
9.  I feel I spend a large part of my life waiting around for other people.
10.  I feel that most of the time no one gives a damn about my thoughts or feelings or my emotional state.
11.  I have always been noise sensitive, but lately I have been especially noise sensitive.... too much noise makes me very aggravated and aggitated.
12.  I am extremely angry at people at work.  I feel ignored.  But, I try to hold my tongue and push through.

The hardest thing is that my thoughts are all over the map.  I am constantly having thoughts scatter all over the place in my mind.  The thoughts never seem to stop or seem to quiet down.  And, it is so frustrating.... I try to focus on something, focus my thoughts.... but even in the middle of trying to focus, my mind wanders and other thoughts come in.  It is disorienting at times.  It is exhausting most of the time.  As I sit here writing this, and trying to focus putting my emotional thoughts on this electronic page..... I have had at least two dozen scattered, wandering thoughts intrude into my focus.  Things from the mundane like getting class books ordered for Fall to thinking about music, to thinking about cleaning my basement, to waxing my and my wife's car.  There is no rhyme or reason to what thoughts come into my head.  They are just everything entering my head all times of the day and night.  It is truly exhausting.  

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